The Black Sheep
FR TO M EE... L ELT IKE T INT HAT O D DIR RIN T Y KIN SNO GW W ATE R.
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Vol. 24, Issue 6
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/26/14 - 3/5/14
SNOW FED UP WITH STUDENT POPULATION, MELTS ITSELF JUPITER STEVENS WROTE THIS The snow has melted itself after months of struggling to cope with the University of Illinois' student population. According to those close to the snow, they said it felt as if the university's students had been walking all over it for months now, resulting in the snow to finally cave in and melt itself this past week. Bob Rauber, the head professor of atmospheric science at Illinois, said the suspected cause of evaporation is believed to be from extreme exposure to rays of sunshine that heated the snow's body temperature past the rate of survival. The snow, just three months old, is survived by thousands of puddles which have been placed under the guardianship of university maintenance committees. Earlier this week, University of Illinois officials said the snow did leave a note behind before turning to the sun and melting itself in front of an absolutely horrified campus. On a shriveled piece of loose leaf paper found in the middle of the Quad, the snow laid the blame for its melting on the university's student population, calling their attitudes toward day-to-day life “miserable and just downright pathetic.” “I just can't do this anymore,” the snow wrote. “Have you seen the way students treat each other? How they act in public? I've been stepped on for months now, and I can't even tell you how many times I hear students cursing me out each day.” The snow went on to make a long list of belittling actions the university's students have taken upon it over the course of its time on campus. “At first I was celebrated and loved,” the snow remembered before melting itself to the delight of everyone around it. “Then it turned nasty. They tried to make me one of their own and build me into something that barely resembled a human being. A snowman? Seriously? I would never take you and flatten you out into little flakes like me. How can you guys be so rejecting and hurtful to those who are different than you? Students even used me as a weapon on multiple occasions, squeezing me together and throwing me at their friends. They laughed, too! They always laughed! We'll see who'll be laughing when this is all over.”
in day-to-day life and social interaction. “Students have been acting in a completely different manner since the loss of the snow,” President Robert Easter told reporters Tuesday. “It's definitely been apparent that we've lost something this week that was truly a large part of our campus.”
University officials said the loss of the snow has had a profound effect on the student population, leading to immediate and drastic changes
The snow continued to lay the blame on students in what's being called its “melting note.” “I can't stand being forced to overhear your shitty
attitudes any longer,” the snow's note read, addressing the university's students. “Oh man, you've got a nine a.m. class on a Friday right after Thirsty Thursday? That ruins everything! Must be tough! Try sitting in one place and getting kicked around, avoided all the time by your peers, and then have salt thrown in your face. Then let's see how much you complain, you little shits.” CONTINUED ON PAGE 19
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PAGE 18 NEW RULES IN THE ARC ENFORCED BY CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
DON’T LIE, YOU’VE POSTED ALL OF THESE TOO.
WHAT A WEIRD MONDAY.
FOR STARTERS, NO CURLS IN THE SQUAT RACK, IDIOTS.
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