The Black Sheep
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Vol. 24, Issue 5
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/19/14 - 2/26/14
LG-BLT FIGHTS FOR
EQUAL SANDWICH RIGHTS TEX MEX WROTE THIS Controversy spread a smear of special sauce at a local Subway last weekend when a customer-- asked if he wanted mayo on his BLT-- replied he preferred “light guac” instead. The head sandwich artist at the establishment politely explained to the customer that the guacamole spread is only a seasonal promotion and not part of the normal Subway condiment lineup. Outraged, the customer allegedly grabbed the sandwich artist by the collar, demanding to know what he was implying by saying that guacamole wasn’t “normal.” Before the county-renowned shift lead could respond, the enraged customer flung himself over the counter, nabbed a handful of “daily fresh” meatballs, and crammed them down the employee’s throat. Upon swallowing, the shift leader died instantly. Unfortunately, this is just one of several cases of abusive avocado rights activists in the past month. Each week, at least three accounts of Subway employees being attacked for not having the restaurant’s seasonal guacamole spread available as a selectable condiment occur, with the assaults usually leading to deaths caused by the ingestion of Subway’s least popular toppings. However, members of the LG-BLT community have responded to the violence, claiming that these forms of militant activism are hurting the cause rather than helping. “Every time I read about another Subway employee victimized by these ridiculously small-minded crusaders who think they’re making a difference, my lettuce browns,” commented a leading LG-BLT sandwich. “What the LG-BLT community is fighting for is complete and total sandwich equality across all condiments. When someone who is ‘supporting the cause,’ or whatever, resorts to abuse over diplomacy, it’s not just a loss for BLTs with a refreshing avocado-based twist; it’s a loss for all deli-style sandwiches.” The topic of the LG-BLT struggle has been as piping hot as toasting ovens in recent years. With more and more uncommonly-seasoned and sauced sandwiches “coming out of the container” so to speak, members across the entire sandwich community have become increasingly vocal about what condiments really make a sandwich “normal.” Just over the weekend, a leading figurehead of seemingly traditional, cold-cut lunchmeat sandwiches revealed that it always had, in fact, always had a small amount of hot sauce wedged in between its turkey
slices. Being that cold-cuts are normally thought of as sandwiches meant for their refreshingly cool crispness, the reaction was intensely divided. “I just couldn’t look at my bread in the mirror anymore and continue living a lie and hiding such a huge part of myself,” admitted the turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato and just a tidbit of Louisiana Hot Sauce. “But sandwiches need to start understanding that orders and sack lunches
are getting more and more diverse every single day. We don’t live in a world anymore where things are simply mayo or mustard—we have to look in between the vegetables. The redness soaked into my bread isn’t a stain. It’s a mark that I wear proudly because it’s who I really am inside.” Other sandwiches, like a foot-long Italian BMT, had a bit of a different reaction. CONTINUED ON PAGE 19
PAGE 6 FEMINIST LEARNS TO TAKE A JOKE LAUGHS OUT LOUD DURING GWS CLASS, RECEIVES FAILING GRADE.
PAGE 10 DISCUSSION SECTION "BLOWS" HIS COVER
PAGE 18 WHEN CANNING GOES HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG
SOURCE OF EXTREME FLATULENCE FINALLY DISCOVERED.
CHARITABLE STUDENT MISUNDERSTANDS, SUPPORTS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.
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