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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 21, Issue 4 9/12/12 - 9/19/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc
Left Behind at the Republican and Democratic National Conventions Rebecca Jacobs wrote this
Janitor Report #324,521 – 2012 Republican National Convention and 2012 Democratic National Convention Name: Mr. Offal Muck Notes From the Janitor: Let’s just say it wasn’t the usual crud. Normally I just sweep up copious amounts of cocaine left in the bathroom and red, white, and blue confetti off the auditorium floor, but this year I found some rather unusual items. I know this violates janitor-trash confidentiality, but I must inform the nation of what I found at these past conventions, for one man’s trash is another man’s deciding factor in the voting booth come November. Inventory: 1 Ronald Reagan hologram: Unofficial reports have been circulating of a seemingly translucent image of deceased president Ronald Reagan wandering the malls and strip clubs in Tampa. With Tupac making his hologram reappearance months ago thanks to the hard work of Mr. Snoop Dogg, it’s only fitting that the Republican party would do the same for their hero. While the hologram was surely a big hit at the RNC, the image of Ronald Reagan was never turned off and now wanders around like a ghost, spooking the elderly residents of Tampa into believing that their grandchildren are on drugs and that the Russians are spying on them. 1 decrepit birth certificate stapled to 1 expired lottery ticket: The genuine copy of President Barack Obama’s birth certificate was found lying in a dark corner of the Democratic Convention. It must’ve been recovered after falling out of the president’s fanny pack as he was continually distracted by the first lady’s “right to bare arms.” We found a Powerball ticket stapled to the birth certificate. Jump all over this, FOX News! It appears the president has fallen into such a deep pit of desperation he’s resorted to gambling his hardearned money away rather than putting his confidence in his reelection campaign. 69 inappropriate notecards: All sixty-nine notecards are initialed “JB” and are covered with inky fingerprints. After run-
confessions of a campus house pet so this is why they shit on your carpet.
page 6
ning a thorough search of possible “JB” names, including Justin Bieber, Justice Beaver, and James Bond, I came to the conclusion that, due to the gross and tasteless doodles on the cards, they must have belonged to vice president Joe Biden. Unsurprisingly, each card is scribbled with endless gaffes, destined for future speeches into the year 2016. 1 stained blue dress: This dress is like homing jizzum. Wherever Bill Clinton appears, so does this dress. That's one stain that will never come out no matter how great a speech the former president gives, if the Republicans have anything to say about it. You just keep talking at the podium, former President Clinton, and we’ll pretend like we didn’t notice.
what’s inside
2 bedazzled iPods: Steve Jobs must be giggling in his grave as Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan make lame jokes about how tasteless each other’s iPod playlists are. Oh, that is just too funny, almost as funny as the growing list of musical artists demanding the Republican campaign to not use their music anymore. On these iPods we found some odd playlists, including “Poor People Music” and “Poor White People Music.” The top played song on one of the iPods was “Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and the other one included an album of Mitt Romney singing over songs by The Presidents of the United States of America. Let’s just say these two won’t be hired as collaborators of an edition of the NOW CD franchise anytime soon.
continued on page 19
frat log: an evening at muprhy's pub
the benefits of being a jersey chaser
page 8
page 10
a stranger, on a bender, in a strange land.
even if our football team sucks, they'll still blow 'em.