Brought to you by
The Booze News
Volume 25
The Black Sheep
FR COU EE! LI SIN KE Y ’S B O U R UDD RO Y ’S O M M NEW AT A L B E’S UM .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 3
Chancellor Wise Melts After Taking Ice Bucket Challenge The Gonz Wrote This On the first week of the semester, Chancellor Phyllis Wise was challenged by President Robert Easter to complete the ice bucket challenge for ALS awareness. President Easter posted the video of himself being doused in ice water on August 27, giving Wise 24 hours to post her own video. Wise was up for the challenge, pledging to donate one of the six figures from her salary. The majority of students gathered on the Quad to witness the event were shocked to see Wise in person for the first time, noting that she looked “even bitchier than in the photos.” Chancellor Wise was seated on a stage in the center of the Quad while President Easter prepared a bucket of ice water to dump on her. On the count of 10, chanted by the students in attendance, Easter poured the entire bucket on Wise’s head. To the utter shock of the audience, the chancellor began to give off a type of white steam. The high-pitched shrieking of the chancellor could be heard by the entire audience and throughout the Quad, shouts of “I’m melting! I’m melting! Meeelting!” filled the air. Students were in awe of the chancellor, who appeared to dissolve onstage. President Easter looked the most terrified of all as he dove off the stage in a fit of panic.“I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE JUST DONATED THE $100,” screamed a hysterical President Eas-
ter as he fled from the Quad with his foot caught in the ice bucket. “I JUST WANTED TO BE ‘IN IT’ WITH THE STUDENTS ON THEIR SOCIAL TWITTERBOOKS. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THE REST OF THE COUNCIL AND NOMINATED BECKMAN. OH, WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD.” Most students stood in fear and awe, not knowing what to do while the chancellor pooled into a puddle of Phyllis juice. One brave student hopped up on the stage to intervene. Sarah Eckhart, the brave individual, told The Black Sheep: “My first thought was to collect all the Phyllis juice into my water bottle, thinking maybe a chemistry professor could put her back together or something.” The amount of Phyllis juice was too much for Sarah’s small water bottle and other students quickly joined it to mop up the mess. Part of what made cleaning up the liquefied chancellor such a difficult task was the sheer rate at which she transformed into her soupy self. Several students claimed that she melted faster than the snow that caused last year’s snow day, immediately followed with a collective, “Oh, wait…” “Mopping up liquid from a flat surface is pretty difficult without, you know, a mop,” said Sam Frankel, a university student. “Most of Phyllis just got left on the stage.”
A few students grabbed handfuls of the Phyllis juice and started the most nauseating food fight in the history of food fights. The University Police showed up to quell the crowd as employees from the UGL Espresso Royale arrived with an oversized carafe because, as stated by the Chief of
Police, “No one had a better idea for cleaning it up.” After the ghastly incident, the student body is now convinced that Chancellor Wise was a witch, or at least some sort of evil. Some arguments broke out over the
PAGE 5
PAGE 9
MCKINLEY ANNOUNCES OUTBREAK OF EBOLA, DECREASE IN PREGNANCY
OPINION: OUR CURRENTLY UNDEFEATED FOOTBALL TEAM SHOULD QUIT
IT’S THE SMALL VICTORIES, PEOPLE.
LIKE, RIGHT NOW… 1-0 BABY, LET’S GO!
Wizard of Oz canon, but one way or another, everyone agreed there would most likely be more snow days in the future. In other news, University of Illinois now seeking applicants for the position of Chancellor.
PAGES 20-21 WE INTERVIEW: MIKE BIRBIGLIA OUR CHAT WITH THE COMEDIAN AND STAR OF SLEEPWALK WITH ME.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC SEPTEMBER 3rd, 2014 - SEPTEMBER 10th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM