The Black Sheep
FR RAN EE... DOS LIKE DUR SNU ING GGLI A P NG W OL A R V ITH OT E X.
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Vol. 24, Issue 2
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
1/29/14 - 2/5/14
UNIVERSITY IMPLEMENTS DRESS CODE: TACTICAL GEAR BY: UIUC STAFF Public universities nationwide will begin enforcing a new dress code requiring students and faculty to wear tactical gear at all times on campus. The policy, which will go into effect next fall, will require each student and teacher to wear bullet-proof vests and S.W.A.T.-like military style helmets when on university grounds. “We really feel like this will make things work a lot more smoothly when the inevitable ends up happening,” University of Illinois Chief of Police Jeff Christensen said. “Now it's fairer for all parties involved in what's now become an American pastime.” Students at universities across the country said they support the new policy, with most pointing out it will eventually prove to be effective once “that quiet kid in SOC 100 fucking snaps.” “He's definitely my top pick for being the first one in here to go crazy,” sophomore Carey Hennigan told reporters as she picked out her favorite style of tactical boots. “It's like, just take a look at him. He's clearly a fucking psycho. He doesn't talk to anyone and he's always reading books and shit. Typical psycho.” Most students aren't worried about their safety now that the new dress code has been introduced, but instead, they must face the troubles of going through class with their new uniforms. “A bullet will be no match for these twelve-pound helmets,” senior Emily Wilmont said, behind the shield of her facemask. “I mean, I can barely read or see any of the lecture slides, but at least we'll be safe!” Wilmont, who hasn't physically attended a class at the university since her freshman year, said it's an emotional relief now that she can sit in a lecture hall without having an escape plan. Professor Paul Braun is excited to see his classes' attendance sky-rocket, with students being able to show up without concealed pocket knives for self-protection. “I knew my lectures were killer, but I mean, sometimes it got a little crazy,” Braun laughed. “It's a little challenging to clip my microphone on my collar with this vest on, though.” Braun said he realized it was a logical step to take for the future of American students and the education system. “My wife and I just had our first baby a couple months ago,” Braun said. “His first word was 'gun.' Things need to change around here.”
Sociologist Karen Tesk said that she believes the American population would be wiped out by 2033 if the new policy wasn’t put into place, with school shootings becoming routine on campuses nation-wide. Tesk has been forced to teach her classes from a podium boxed in by bullet-proof glass for the past four semesters. “I was excited to be able finally teach while getting some fresh air for once,” Tesk said, strapping on her new bullet-proof vest. “I guess it's sort of hard
to breathe in this thing too, though.” Officer Christensen explained to reporters that the university's board of executives shuffled back-and-forth between countless plans before coming to a conclusion with the new dress code policy. Christensen said the board of executives went through the obvious options of armed guards in class and metal detectors at the front doors of university buildings, but also considered a few wild-card options as well. CONTINUED ON PAGE 19
PAGE 5 NEXT BIG ROCKSTAR DISCOVERED AT FRAT PARTY
PAGE 8 BUZZFEED NOSTALGIA THREATENS STUDENT'S COLLEGE LIFE
PAGE 18 "FATASS" STUDENT STANDING BY RESOLUTION TO NOT EXERCISE
CAREER TAKES OFF IN A MATTER OF DAYS.
LISA FRANK TAKES OVER A YOUNG GIRL'S DORM ROOM.
CREATES RSO AROUND THE DANGERS OF STAYING IN SHAPE.
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