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Volume 25
The Black Sheep
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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 1
CHAOS AT QUAD DAY:
RSOs Go to Dangerous Lengths for Students’ Attention Jupiter Stevens Wrote This CHAMPAIGN - Panic erupted at Quad Day this Sunday morning when competition for new students’ attention escalated to life-threatening levels between clubs at the University of Illinois. Known for its desperately outrageous advertising stunts by Registered Sudent Organizations (RSO), Quad Day has brought out some of the most cringe-worthy moments in university students’ lives – from 120 lbs. men in Speedos dancing around inflatable pools to a Northbrook-born Bob Marley impersonator doing ballet on a tight rope – but never before has the event turned dangerous. Reports said the bar began to be raised before the organizations were even finished setting up their event tables along the Quad sidewalks. “Tensions began to flair between the 10,500 ft. Falling Illini club and the Climbing Club when two opposing members began talking trash about the highest altitude they’ve reached, with one Falling Illini member eventually threatening: ‘I’ll put my foot so far in your ass you’d better hope that rope is tied to something or else you’ll be climbing mountains on Mars.”
The conflict gradually spread throughout the remainder of the set-up with everyone from Brothers and Sisters in Christ to the Xtension Chords beginning to exchange heated words about which club students should join. It wasn’t until a member of the Illini Hot Tub Club kicked over a table and ran out into the sea of students screaming, “HUMANS CAN WITHSTAND 125 DEGREE WATER TEMPERATURES AND I AIN’T NO BITCH,” before dumping a bucket of boiling hot water on himself, clutching at passing students’ pant legs. “That’s when I knew we had to step up our game,” said John Roberts, president of the Fencing Illini, who turned and stabbed a volunteer at the club’s table and yelled, “HEY, LOOK AT THE COOL THINGS WE CAN DO.” Before the impaled volunteer hit the ground, in-character members of the Humans vs. Zombies club surrounded her, blocking out the public’s view of the horror that had begun. As the College Republicans and College Democrats began to argue whether students’ tax dollars should pay to clean up the growing damage to the Quad, ROTC members began marching
through students, hurdling over the Gamma Phi Omegas still chalking the bloody sidewalk, unaware of the chaos around them. Students near the Knitting Illini table on the southeast end of the Quad found themselves trapped in a beautifully crocheted holding pen. “I thought we were done for until the Rodeo Club swooped in and roped them up,” one Knitting hostage said. “Now that’s how you use your string! Maybe I’ll join that club.” Rockets launched from the Foellinger steps by the Air Force ROTC club were being batted away by Wifflin’ Illini as members of the Society for Competitive Fighting Video Games scattered from their booth, hysterically crying, “IT’S ALL TOO REAL!” Star Course members ran to recruit local musicians from Music for the Masses for a benefit relief show but were cornered by projects from the VEX Robotics club, who were then programmed to self-destruct by HackIllinois members hiding in the Union computer lab. The sky filled with smoke and echoed with screams for salvation. “Help me!” a member of the Society of Professional Journalists
recalled hearing one freshman yell out as she scaled the walls of the English Building to escape a member of the Climbing Club wielding an ice axe. “Someone just help me choose the right club!” It was then that a small dot could be seen growing in the sky, weaving in-and-out from the smoke billowing up from the Quad. What could have been mistaken for falling debris began to look bigger as it began to fall faster by the second. The freshman, now clinging
on to the crumbling brick at the top of the English Building, was losing grip as each finger slid off and her weight pulled down on her arms. The Climbing Club member grabbed onto her right ankle, barking out, “JUST GIVE ME YOUR EMAIL,” as he raised his arm back to swing the ice axe at the freshman. But out of nowhere, an object collided into the side of the building where the two students were struggling. Dust poured out from the rubble, blocking any clear view
as to what had just crashed into the English Building. The students stood silent on the Quad, looking at the result of what had become a deadly day in Illini history, when a single survivor crawled out from the wreckage holding up a ripped piece of paper. “I...I got it...,” whispered the voice of who could now be identified as the Falling Illini member whose words sparked the entire incident. “...Kelly...Walsh... email: Krwalsh@Illinois.edu....”
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LETTER TO THE EDITOR
EASYGOING QUESTIONS TO BREAK THE ICE WITH YOUR ROOMMATE
INTERVIEW WITH CHAMPAIGN MAYOR DON GERARD
SOME GENERAL CONVERSATION STARTERS TO MAKE A GREAT FIRST IMPRESSION.
WE CHAT WITH THE UIUC ALUM ABOUT TODAY’S PRESSING TOPICS.
LET US EXPLAIN IN OUR OWN SPECIAL WORDS WHAT EXACTLY WE ARE.
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