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Volume 25
The Black Sheep
Chr Free! L istm ike as p dum res pst ent er d s. T hin iving k ab for out it...
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Issue 16
HOW PHYLLIS WISE STOLE ILLINI FOOTBALL’S CHRISTMAS Nicco wrote this Every Illini in Champaign liked Christmas a lot, But the Chancellor, Phyllis Wise most certainly did not! The Chancellor hated Christmas and here was the reason, The football team did better than horrible this season.
“I must make my own reindeer,” the Chancellor said. So she found her cat Leslie and tied antlers to her head. Once the Altgeld Bells rang out at midnight, She had to skedaddle, to make fast flight.
The Chancellor stole bunches of things and even some snacks, Ramen, chips, and candy, then covered her tracks. But it wasn’t soon enough, as she was about to make her break, Little freshman player Mikey Dudek sat up awake.
With her long Chancellor fingers nervously strumming, She knew she must find a way to stop the team’s Christmas from coming. She hated the noise and the feasting and singing, And knew she must find a way to stop this whole holiday from being!
Then the Chancellor smirked and loaded up the sleigh, With some empty sacks and went up, up, and away. The sleigh started to move towards the dorms and apartments where, The Illini footballers lay asleep without a single care.
He was very confused and alone and he started to cry, All he wanted to know was, “Why, Santa, why?” The Chancellor knew she had to think quick on her feet, “I’m bringing these back to my office to fix them up and make them look neat.”
She thought and she thought, but she was stuffed at the line, Until she came up with a brilliant idea in rhyme! The Chancellor gasped, “I know just what to do! I’ll impersonate Santa Claus and Beckman won’t have a clue!”
When the Chancellor arrived at the Six Pack before the morning dew, It was just stop number one and she knew what to do. She swiped her card and snuck through the front door, And tip-toed to a dorm room on the second floor.
Little Mikey bought the story without questioning her, And went back to sleep without a single stir. The Chancellor dropped a queef quietly then headed out. She had a long night ahead of football ransacking about.
Making a hat and coat, wearing a grand ol’ grin in the mirror. “The last thing I need is a little reindeer…” Under the bed, in the closet, the Chancellor looked around, But there was none, no reindeer to be found.
She quietly crept inside and scanned the room, For she knew a freshman football player gets lots of poon. Then suddenly it would be two versus one, And that would ruin the Chancellor’s evil Christmas fun.
She had to hit all the dorms and apartments of the team, Without waking a fly or making a scene. She made all her stops and packed the sleigh full, And headed home at dawn when Champaign started to mull.
She waited and waited to hear the Illini’s despair, But all she heard was silence, filling the air. For she was pining for the Illini to cry and say, “Oh no, there’s no Christmas! What do we do on this day?”
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DRUNK REVIEWZ: A CHRISTMAS STORY
TOP 10: ITEMS IN YOUR UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS NATIVITY SCENE
WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU DO FOR 24-HOURS BESIDES DRINK?
MAKE YOUR RACIST GRANDMA PROUD.
She waited for a noise, and she heard something faint, But it wasn’t sad, it was merry and quaint. But the volume grew and grew, and was still so happy, She realized, maybe she didn’t end the day she found so crappy.
The whole team was still celebrating Christmas to her dismay, For they went 6-6, and for this they were gay! So the Chancellor lightened up and some kindness she’d lend, And returned all the Illini their presents before #FuckPhyllis could trend.
PAGE 20 HOME ALONE: STUCK AT UIUC JUST TAKE A FEW DEEP BREATHS… AND THEN SCREAM AS LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC DECEMBER 10th, 2014 - DECEMBER 17th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM