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Issue 15
Clever Professor Jokes that “Winter is Coming” Claims to Connect Better With Students KT wrote this After the first taste of the bitterly cold and agonizingly long winter that is to come, students at U of I have been running on fumes, and are already showing up at class with the glazed look in their eyes as if they had smoked for 40 hours straight – a practice usually saved for finals week. One clever and semi-culturally relevant physics professor, Michael Dixon, sought to break the zombie-like trance his students had been in by using one of his limited pop culture references stored in his arsenal. “Don’t forget your exam next week and be sure to bundle up,” Professor Dixon snickered at the end of his Monday, 8 a.m. Physics 101 class. “...Winter is coming.” A few students chuckled at the Game of Thrones reference as they packed up their bags. Dixon, however, took this as a sign that he was “in” with the younger generation now. “I’ve never even seen Game of Thrones, but I’ve just heard the reference and knew it was from some popular show about dragons and incest,” stated Professor Dixon as he scrolled through the /r/ AdviceAnimals subreddit. “I’m just glad I could make a few of my students chuckle. I feel like that line is a hit!” The next day in class, Dixon reportedly said,
“winter is coming” 17 times during lecture, even in situations where it made no sense. “Alright so the formula for velocity is total distance traveled over total time taken, does anyone know why?” Professor Dixon questioned during class. “No one? Alright, well it’s because WINTER IS COMING.” After no students laughed or made so much as an awkward sigh, Dixon was visibly distraught. While the class was working on an assignment, Dixon reportedly pulled up ratemyprofessor. com and saw students had already started posting about his overuse of the joke. After reading one that stated, “Professor Dixon sucks Khaleesi’s dragon’s ballz. Get better jokez old man,” the out-of-touch professor researched other pop culture references having to do with winter. The next time class met, Dixon shook with excitement over the next winter-themed pop culture joke he was going to make. As he started lecture, Professor Dixon told his students that there would be no homework assigned for Thanksgiving break, to the tune of the popular Mariah Carey song “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” “I don’t know much about physics, but there is just one thing I need, I don’t care
about my grades for PHYS 101 at UIUC,” Dixon serenaded the class, standing on desks. “All I want for Christmas is a break from YOUUUUU, baby!” As he finished the last part of the song, disco balls and strobe lights reportedly started to going off in the classroom, and
Dixon ripped off his suit to reveal a skimpy Santa Claus outfit much like the one Mariah wears in the music video. Students started fleeing out of the classroom in utter shock, disgust, and confusion by the aged reference as he continued to gyrate himself on a metal candy cane.
“I hope you all enjoyed my little Thanksgiving treat, and remember how hip good old Professor Dixon is!” he called out to students amidst the frenzy of everyone trying to leave at the same time. “Remember one last thing, winter is coming!”
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UGLINESS KNOWS NO BOUND, NO MATTER WHAT HOLIDAY YOU CELEBRATE.
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