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Volume 26
The Black Sheep
FR EE ! roo Like mm pac ate kin 's c g u lot p y he ou s... r
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 15
IN MEMORIAM 2014-15 Diego Manischewitz wrote this
with the mustache! Your Virginity: They say only the good die young, but your virginity’s death beat the odds and fought for its life to the very end. The doctors tried to save you by teaching you how to juggle and supplying you with cargo shorts, but too many tequila shots and some bad decisions led you to the dorm room that sent you down a path of uncomfortable and uncoordinated sex. Now please, a 21 gun salute for the fallen virgin.
finish, your socks have gone missing. Most of them are probably still stuck in the back of the dryer, but the laundry room is more crowded than Hong Kong, so you get out of there as quick as you can. You’re now that weird barefoot guy walking on the Quad. People are going to think you’re a hippie, man.
We’ve tragically lost a lot of things this school year. They made us laugh, cry, and soil our pants. Sometimes all at once. But, throughout the year the following things have become candles in the wind and moved on to the other side. Only Yeezus knows whether these things made it up to heaven or hell. Now, we look back at the things we have lost during the 2014-15 school year. Immune System: Growing up, who didn’t have a cartoon bacteria character fighting infections inside your body that was voiced by Chris Rock from Osmosis Jones? In high school you thought, common cold? Go to school. The sniffles? You’re a pussy, go to school. Little did you know that college is the most germ-infested place on Earth. You ended up getting mono and Ebola. Even the “miracle” workers at McKinley couldn’t help you this time. High School Boyfriend or Girlfriend: Those lonely nights Skyping your significant other came to an end in the middle of first semester. You really believed you two were going to make it last for four years making love to each other through a screen? Did you not learn anything from the movie Her? You’re the guy
Best Friends You Made During Orientation: You met these guys during the lame activities the RAs made you do and you all partied together during Welcome Week. That first week of school, you told them they were going to be the godparents of your children. But by the third week of school, they mysteriously disappeared and now when you see them you question if you should even wave at those jerks. All Your Socks: When you’re on your last pair of underwear, you decide it’s a good time to do your laundry. Every time after you
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THE QUIZ: CAN YOU READ ON READING DAY
TOP 10: KANYE QUOTES TO INSPIRE YOU FOR FINALS
NO, SERIOUSLY...ARE YOU ABLE TO READ? WE'LL FIND OUT...
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NEED SOME MOTIVATION? THIS SHOULD HELP!
MAY 5TH 2015 - MAY 12TH 2015
Phone Screen: The new smart phones are almost as big as iPads now, so it barely fits in your pocket. After one night of dancing on the tables at Red Lion, the phone tragically jumped out of the pocket to its death, killing its screen. You decided to jump for your phone and give it live CPR on the floor of the bar. “Don’t you dare die on me!” you screamed to your phone. Thankfully, your phone isn’t dead, but your screen took its last breath that night. Your social interaction with anyone also passed away with it. Like Psalm 23:4 and 1990s rapper Coolio says, “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at myself and realize there’s nothing left, except for my dignity.” Oh wait, you lost that too on Halloween. May their memory be a blessing. Amen.
PAGE 9 MISSED CONNECTIONS OF CHAMBANA IF YOU THOUGHT YOU MISSED OUT ON THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, DON'T WORRY, WE SCOURED CRAIGSLIST JUST FOR YOU.
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