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The Black Sheep
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Issue 14
SAUCED-UP STUFFING: A THANKSGIVING DRINKING GAME The Gonz wrote this Time for a break from those exhausting classes you don’t attend and the cheap food you steal from soup kitchens, right? Thanksgiving is a chance to unwind and bring home a month’s worth of dirty laundry to your loving mother and put her to work. Nevertheless, you may be thinking to yourself, “As a functioning alcoholic, how will I get my daily fix while Grandma is constantly fitting me for knit sweaters?” Lucky for you, The Black Sheep is a resource for people like yourself. Want to liven up Thanksgiving? Well, there’s a drinking game for that…
with anything by those standards.
What You’ll Need: The contents of your parents’ liquor cabinet. Number of Players: Just you, unless creepy Uncle Harold wants to play… Level of Intoxication: You know the sleepy feeling you get from eating turkey? Quadruple that.
Drink Once: - For every significant other you don’t have (BONUS DRINK: Your “loving” aunt recommends you a sweet girl/strapping young lad who would LOVE to court you.) - For every job prospect you don’t have (BONUS DRINK: Your “wise” uncle offers you a job as the office bitch at the firm.) - For every GPA point you lie about. - When you get yelled at to stop eating the mini marshmallows off the sweet potato casserole. - Every time Grandpa forgets your name. - If you feel bad about making fun of Alzheimer’s disease. - When a family member says something racist/homophobic/anti-Obamacare. - For every tipsy relative drinking Costco wine.
How to Play: As functioning alcoholics know, heavily drinking in front of family members sometimes brings on criticism or worse, prayer. Consider some of the following methods for hiding your unfortunate habit: - Vodka cranberry sauce - Gravy boat-shaped flask - Mashed potato Irish whiskey - Jim Green Beam Casserole We can’t say for sure whether or not these combinations will taste all that flattering, but you’re the one who’s trying to get slammed in front of your family during a holiday. You really shouldn’t have a problem
Drink Twice: - When your marginally younger cousin starts bragging about his/her first semester of college. - If said cousin is getting way more action than your socially-inept self. - If you get the feeling that relatives are spreading rumors that you’re gay. - For every newly “gluten-free” family member at the table. - For every relative who’s started CrossFit. - To mourn the last bit of green bean casserole, as a gluten-loving, exercise-free couch potato. - When the only pie options are pumpkin
or caramel pecan, even though you specifically requested Dutch apple from Grandma. What a bitch. - When you realize you told Grandpa that you wanted Dutch apple and you forgot about the dementia. Finish Your Drink: - If your parents let you drink the cheap wine
normally reserved for Grandpa and his few remaining taste buds (then promptly finish that drink). - If you’re seated at the kid’s table. - If you were originally seated at the “adult” table until your mom yelled at you for being overly intoxicated. - If the turkey is drier than Grandpa’s 86-year-old sagging skin (drink twice for the
mental image of that comparison alone). - When someone leaves to go Black Friday shopping on Thursday night. - At the sound of Christmas music. The Game Ends When: Thanksgiving is over or you’ve single-handedly ruined it for your entire family. Blame it on the turtur-tur-tur-tur-turkey.
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STUDENT RETURNS HOME TO FIND HE’S BEEN REPLACED
TOP 10: PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE AROUND YOUR THANKSGIVING TABLE
HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING
AND FRANKLY, HE WAS PRETTY INSULTED.
THE FIRST OF MANY HOLIDAY PARTIES THAT YOU TOO WILL SURVIVE.
JUST MEMORIZE THESE ANSWERS AND KEEP TOPPING OFF YOUR WINE.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC NOVEMBER 19th, 2014 - DECEMBER 3rd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM