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Vol. 24, Issue 14
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
4/30/14 - 5/7/14
THE ULTIMATE CINCO DE MAYO CELEBRATION
RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS
In honor of Cinco de Mayo, the Delta Gamma house is paying homage to the Mexican holiday the right way: by celebrating with lots of mayonnaise. Coincidentally, the house is situated in the same neighborhood as all of the cultural houses, which adds to the celebration’s authenticity. By utilizing 1,449 pounds of mayo, the girls have created an extraordinary scene including a mayo pool, mayo barbeque, a mayo dunk tank, a create-your-own mayo jewelry booth and even a mayo fashion show. All of the festivities are open to the public. “We want to celebrate diversity and inclusion here at Illinois, and what better way to do that than partake in this super-fun holiday?” said Bridget, an esteemed DG. “And for the record, it’s not Mexican Independence Day. Let’s all get that straight, yeah? It’s time to stop the ignorance.” This week-long event primarily functions to educate the public about the story of Cinco de Mayo. According to their mayo-dipped pamphlets, it was the day that Americans brought mayo to the Mexican peasants, which finally civilized them. In an epic battle to declare the superiority of mayonnaise, they fought against the Mayans and their support of the primitive horseradish. After murdering all of the natives in a Trail of Tears-esque fashion, the American army took the remaining Mexican peasants to Chipotle and called it a day. It was cited to be “the best day ever in history.” “The only way to properly uphold the Mexican tradition is by dousing everything in a shitload of Hellmann’s,” another girl named Bridget in the house affirmed. “Ugh, stop looking so grossed out,” said a different girl named Bridget. “It’s not like we have just mayo — we have RumChata too. We’re not completely disgracing the Mexican people.” When questioned whether there was anyone of Mexican heritage in the sorority, one member — named Bridget — faltered. “I mean, one of our sisters, Bridget, once went to Pilsen by herself without getting attacked by a pitbull, so I think she’s part Mexican!” she said, recovering her disposition.
legedly, Lucinda was perfectly fine with these arrangements.
They are taking inclusion to the next level by allowing Lucinda, their immigrant Latina housekeeper, to participate in the week’s events. Her role in the celebration involves the girls repeatedly throwing her into the mayo pool as a re-enactment of the struggle, and the ultimate Mexican rebirth through the realization of the superiority of American mayo. Al-
Representatives from the La Casa Latino Cultural House were dumbstruck by the scene.
“I don’t really mind being objectified and degraded as a minority. At least it’s less shitty than being in Ciudad Juarez, you know? Also, I just really like mayo,” she smiled sweetly, dusting off the Slip-and-Slide with her face.
“I can’t believe they had the audacity to overshadow our Cinco de Mayo activity,” said La Casa member Maria Aguila, motioning towards a forlorn
red, white and green piñata hanging sadly from a tree. “No! No! No! They should’ve talked to us about this. We could’ve prevented this shitshow.” Other members of the organization were heard to be fuming things like “what the actual fuck” and “reasons why affirmative action needs to be a thing” under their breath while shooting glares at every Bridget in sight. “All of Nevada Street’s gotten a little messy, so yeah, we’re a bit upset,” said Heidi Davis, a member of the token cultural house that’s next door to the sorority. “But hey, at least it’s better than their Day of the Dead fiasco.”
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A LESSON ON CINCO DE MAYO TRADITIONS
Q&A WITH FAT SANDWICH'S HEAD CHEF
10 WAYS TO PROCRASTINATE FOR FINALS STUDYING
AN IN-DEPTH LOOK AT THE HISTORY OF THE HOLIDAY FROM A LATINO STUDIES MAJOR.
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