Brought to you by
The Booze News
Volume 25
The Black Sheep
F bla ree! Li ckm ke aili the c ng you ar you r da ’ll g d th et a is w fter eek end !
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 13
STEPDAD TO PROVE HE’S
JUST AS COOL AS REAL DAD KT wrote this Dads Weekend at the University of Illinois is the time of year for fathers to make the trek to good ole’ Urbana-Champaign, drunkenly bond with their kids over how much of a fuck-up Little Billy’s become and pretend they have any interest in their child’s education. For most dads, this weekend is a chance to chill and see how much (or how little) their kids have grown up, but for others, it’s the perfect opportunity to prove how “hip” they are. Sophomore Alex Winston celebrated this year’s Dads Weekend in a different way than most. Upon finding out that his father was unable to attend, Winston’s stepfather Rick stepped up to the plate to perform the paternal duties he has always been afraid to cross boundaries for. “When I found out Alex’s dad couldn’t make it, I figured he needed some sort of father figure in his life. A boy his age needs parental guidance, and since I only see him every other major holiday, I figured I could finally impart some of my fatherly wisdom onto him,” stated Rick, who has no actual children of his own. “I also want Alex to think of me as the ‘cool stepdad,’ unlike the stick-in–the-mud of a father he has… with his stupid, flawless smile, his godforsaken six-figure job and his incredibly gorgeous new trophy wife... HE’S NOT EVEN THAT COOL. I DON’T CARE.”
The weekend started with Winston and Rick getting dinner at Outback Steakhouse, for a “real man’s dinner at a value price.” Rick reportedly kept offering his stepson sips of his appletini when their server wasn’t watching, Alex denied it each time. After one particularly close encounter of Rick sliding the drink over to Winston in an attempt to avoid the waitress’ glance at their table, Rick spilled the drink all over himself then proceeded to lick it off his shirt. “Now son, here is a life lesson I’m sure your hag of a father hasn’t taught you,” said Rick as he attempted to sop up the extra liquid of the spilled appletini with his tongue. “Never waste anything that you’ve paid for. This appletini cost me $8, and you can sure bet I won’t let a single drop go to waste.” After patrons had complained about a man giving himself head at the table, Winston and Rick were kicked out of Outback Steakhouse, where they decided to head back to campus for a night out at KAM’S. Already intoxicated from his appletini, Rick wanted to impress his stepson even more with how cool he was. “Hey Alex… do you want a beer, or one of those blue men?” slurred Rick, with an overemphasized wink at his suggestion of underage drinking. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell your mother. This will be our little
secret.” After two Blue Guys, Rick passed out at KAM’S on the dance floor. He was reportedly doing an extremely violent version of the sprinkler, and began to
vomit profusely until he finally passed out. His stepson drove him back to the hotel after the incident, where Rick stayed asleep for seventeen straight hours. “You see son, this is how you drink. I’ll bet
your no-good father hasn’t showed you how to party like the old lean mean RickMachine,” Rick stated when he woke up the next evening. “Just call me ‘Dad’ and get ready for round two next year, I’m bringing my Margaritaville Maker!”
PAGE 5
PAGE 10
PAGES 20-21
STUDENT’S BRAIN BREAKS AFTER BEING ASKED “CAN I BORROW A PENCIL?”
TOP 10: THINGS YOUR DAD WILL SAY DURING DADS WEEKEND
TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND NEGOTIATES THREE-WAY
BECAUSE A WEEK IN KFC JUST WASN’T ENOUGH.
YOUR YEARLY ROUTINE, IN 10 EASY PHRASES.
DESPITE TIGHT FIRM MOBILITY AND FALLING STOCK PRICES.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC NOVEMBER 12th, 2014 - NOVEMBER 19th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM