The Black Sheep
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The Booze News
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 21, Issue 13 11/14/12 - 11/28/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc
Bringing Back Black on Black Friday John McHoneyCombs wrote this
Black Friday. Black Friday! Readers, I’ve been commissioned to tell you a little bit about this makeshift holiday that has been stolen from my people and been turned into a commercial mockery by the mainstream market. Now from what you understand, Black Friday is just the day after Thanksgiving where you wait in line at Best Buy for five hours with people you hate. You then rush in and curb stomp some old lady over a toaster oven that’s marked down 30%. That’s all good clean fun, but that’s not what Black Friday is supposed to be all about. I will tell you this tale as it was told to me by a homeless black man named Lester. As the needle fell to the floor and the heroin began its journey through Lester’s veins the story started coming to him: “After the Civil Rights Movement of the 60s, Lyndon B. Johnson decreed that the Friday after Thanksgiving would be a day of white guilt. This would go hand in hand with the shame that a normal human being would feel after having eaten enough food to feel like Gluttony from Se7en just the day before. Instead of labeling this holiday “White Guilt” day, it was decided to be called Black Friday. On Black Friday, African Americans would go visit their white friends who would have to apologize for that one time they started a sentence with, “I’m not racist but…” or implying that they can’t be racist because they have a black friend. They would then hug it out and sit down to watch reruns of Sanford and Son and The Jeffersons. Obviously, this agreement did not sit well with many folks on both sides. White people exclaimed that they owed nothing to black people and black people wanted to watch even blacker shows like Shaft or Tyler Perry’s Dad Presents: Madea Goes Through Puberty. However, the most distraught over this holiday were the white folks who had no black friends. Without a black friend sitting next to them they didn’t know when it was appropriate to laugh during Sanford and Son and therefore felt excluded. Corporate powerhouses saw this as an opportunity to move in and began offering exclusive “Black Friday deals” to those people who were left without a brother from a darker mother with which to watch television. These ridiculous sales soon caught on
Blazin' Thanksgiving
Don't let your family keep your from gettin' your toke on.
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and more and more people, even those with black friends, began to come out when they found out that, “Holy shit, I can get four televisions for the price of a toaster?”
which people came together to settle differences but a holiday in which people came together in a dogpile to try and wrestle the last iPad out someone’s cold fingers."
Black people found themselves missing their apologetic white counterparts. We tried watching black television without them, but without having someone to explain to what a weave or a hooptie was, the experience was lacking. We soon found the appeal of standing out in the blistering cold all for the chance to punch some punk-ass kid in the face over a video game console too enticing. Black Friday was soon forgotten as a holiday in
As the last bit of consciousness slipped from wise old Lester it dawned on me that we need to go back to our roots and bring back the Black Friday we used to know…but I also really want to buy a new laptop for a quarter and a curtsy. This is where we must compromise and start making Black Friday as much about feeling somewhat responsible for slavery as it is about trampling over store employees.
what’s inside
From the Turkey's Mouth
How our feathered friend really feels about the big day
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continued on page 19
Leaked Star Wars: Ep. XII Screenplay
george lucas gives in to the dark side.
page 18