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The Black Sheep
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Issue 12
SUPER SENIOR SCREWED ONCE AGAIN
BY PRIORITY REGISTRATION Tex Mex wrote this
CHAMPAIGN – Just one semester away from completing his sixth year as an undergraduate, super senior Max Alberts has once again failed to reserve a spot in the last mandatory class required for him to graduate. Since declaring a minor in business the beginning of his first senior year, Alberts has missed out on registering for his final BADM elective for the past six semesters. “I always check when my time ticket is at the very beginning of the semester, and it’s been really easy to remember for the past few years since I pretty much have first dibs over anybody else due to credit hours,” explained Alberts as he incessantly refreshed his self-service page. “But it always slips my mind the week of because November’s just like, so far away. Ah well, there’s always next semester!”
to call his parents about getting “just one more teeny tuition extension.” “They just fill up so fast, and there’s nothing I can do but just say, ‘Oh, darnit!’ you know? I was so close to getting into BADM 390 this time!” One of Alberts’ academic advisors within the Department Political Science is always more worried and confused than the student whenever he tries to register for the single class that he needs in order to graduate. Especially since Alberts has completed his degree requirements for his major, his advisor finds it “completely baffling” that he’s been hung up on a minor course for so long.
Alberts’ closest friends, all of whom have graduated on time, claim that he has been saying “there’s always next semester” for several semesters now. Many of them expressed passive frustration when noting that Alberts’ usual course of action is refreshing the registration page, shrugging it off, and audibly declaring, “Darn. Oh well!” with a smile on his face.
“Max could literally just drop the stupid business minor whenever he wants and instantly be re-eligible for graduation again,” complained academic advisor Wendy Karuthers as she opened Alberts’ semesterly email regarding his registration conflicts with a groan. “He doesn’t even bother asking the Department of Business advisors to open up space for him. He just schedules meetings with me to explain his situation, but before I can suggest any solution, he just snaps his fingers and says, ‘Well, darn, what a shame, right?’ and leaves my office.”
“It’s those gosh darn business minor electives, I tell ya!” continued a surprisingly calm and collected Alberts as he prepared
However, this isn’t to say that Alberts has necessarily wasted away the past six semesters with no classes at all. With next
semester being no exception, Alberts has once again been able to register for the same 12-hour course load that has been keeping him academically afloat since his final semester as a fourth year senior. He notes that he still likes to keep his schedule “pretty darn rigorous” as a form of self-inflicting punishment for delaying his graduation yet again.
“People think I’ve wasted the last few years I’ve been here, but they really couldn’t be any farther from the truth,” argued Alberts as he cautiously looked over his “week at a glance” schedule for next semester while refraining to answer his infuriated mother’s calls. “I mean, another semester of ANTH 101 and MACS 104? Sheesh, talk about a gosh darn nightmare, am I right? Ask me
anything about anthropology. See? I don’t remember a darn thing about that class!” Alberts has reportedly set an alarm on his Google Calendar letting him know when registration starts for the Fall 2015 semester, but only time will tell how effective this will prove since April is so far away.
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STUDENT LIVES IN FAT SANDWICH FOR A WEEK AFTER BREAK-UP
TOP 10: REASONS YOU’RE GLAD YOU DIDN’T VOTE
GROUP PROJECT MEMBER FINALLY SNAPS, KILLS SLACKER
BECAUSE A WEEK IN KFC JUST WASN’T ENOUGH.
YOU TERRIBLE AMERICAN, YOU.
IT’S IMPORTANT TO NOT BOTTLE UP YOUR FEELINGS, FRIENDS.
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