The Black Sheep
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Volume 22, Issue 12 • 4/10/13 - 4/17/13
A Moms Weekend Carol
Charles McHoneyDickens wrote this
Judy studied the black sequin dress laid out on the bed in front of her. She pressed her hand against the bottom, making a rough estimation of just how much ass she would expose at any given point during the night. She would need it to be long enough to leave something to the imagination at the beginning of the night, but short enough that when she eventually stumbled on the walk home, everyone could have an up-skirt peek. She knew from experience and observation that this is the typical mating ritual of the slutty girl to demonstrate she is ready for sex. This would be her third Moms Weekend, and she was determined to make this one even better than the last. She had felt like the belle of the ball at her son’s fraternity house when she walked in, and her son’s friends rushed to take her coat and cop a little squeeze. She had already packed her flask, several stain-resistant dresses, her diaphragm, and a Plan B just in case. “There’s no way I’m letting all those stupid young sluts get all the good guys,” Judy said aloud as she shoved perm shampoo into her bag. Just then she heard a loud knocking upon her bedroom door. Judy shot upright in bed. Before she could acknowledge the knocking she heard the crying of infants on the other side. “Hush now! Ya’ll are ruinnin’ momma’s special visit.” Judy knew she recognized that voice, but before she could place a finger on it the door burst open and standing on the other side was Britney Spears with two crying children in her arms. “Hey there, hun! Hold on a second, I gotta shut the kids up right quick.” Britney put the two children down for a moment and began rummaging around in her pockets. Her eyes lit up, and she withdrew a fully cooked Hot Pocket from her pants. She split it in two and gave the halves to the two children who stopped weeping and began eating the gooey mess. “I got another if you’re hungry, darling,” Britney offered to Judy as she extracted another one. “Um, no thanks,” Judy replied. “Suit yourself,” Britney said as she took a bite. “Mmm, this one’s got gravy in it. Now look sweetie, I’m here to tell you that you’re s’posed to be visited by three ghosts tonight or something like that. They think you’re too old to be acting like a cock-hungry skank, but personally I think you’re fine.
Kid on Longboard is "Way Too Cool for Class"
I mean, I’m still a sex idol even though I’m on the downside of my career and have to pay Kevin Federline alimony checks every month. Now that I think about it, I’m not even sure how NASCAR tickets can count as alimony.” “Isn’t this a lot like that story A Christmas Carol?” “Look honey, I don’t read Shakespeare. Oh my, look at the time! I’ve got to record a new album with The Black Eyed Peas!” With that, Britney scooped up the two crying infants and left the room, slamming the door behind her. Before Britney’s
what'’s inside
How to Hide Your Lifestyle From Your Visiting Mother
According to his future unemployment officer.
She can't know the truth about her little baby boy.
page 6
page 7
horrible southern twang was out of earshot, Judy had already gotten out of bed and locked the bedroom door. She shook her head in disbelief and sat back down. “I’ve got to stop taking vodka shots with my Xanax before bed,” Judy muttered. Just as her eyes were starting to get heavy again, she heard a loud screeching sound, and without warning a pink Lamborghini slammed through her bedroom door. The door to the Lambo opened up, and out stumbled Lindsay Lohan.
continued on page 19
Being a Grandma's Girl Grams tags along for Moms Weekend.
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