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The Black Sheep

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Volume 22, Issue 12 • 4/10/13 - 4/17/13

A Moms Weekend Carol

Charles McHoneyDickens wrote this

Judy studied the black sequin dress laid out on the bed in front of her. She pressed her hand against the bottom, making a rough estimation of just how much ass she would expose at any given point during the night. She would need it to be long enough to leave something to the imagination at the beginning of the night, but short enough that when she eventually stumbled on the walk home, everyone could have an up-skirt peek. She knew from experience and observation that this is the typical mating ritual of the slutty girl to demonstrate she is ready for sex. This would be her third Moms Weekend, and she was determined to make this one even better than the last. She had felt like the belle of the ball at her son’s fraternity house when she walked in, and her son’s friends rushed to take her coat and cop a little squeeze. She had already packed her flask, several stain-resistant dresses, her diaphragm, and a Plan B just in case. “There’s no way I’m letting all those stupid young sluts get all the good guys,” Judy said aloud as she shoved perm shampoo into her bag. Just then she heard a loud knocking upon her bedroom door. Judy shot upright in bed. Before she could acknowledge the knocking she heard the crying of infants on the other side. “Hush now! Ya’ll are ruinnin’ momma’s special visit.” Judy knew she recognized that voice, but before she could place a finger on it the door burst open and standing on the other side was Britney Spears with two crying children in her arms. “Hey there, hun! Hold on a second, I gotta shut the kids up right quick.” Britney put the two children down for a moment and began rummaging around in her pockets. Her eyes lit up, and she withdrew a fully cooked Hot Pocket from her pants. She split it in two and gave the halves to the two children who stopped weeping and began eating the gooey mess. “I got another if you’re hungry, darling,” Britney offered to Judy as she extracted another one. “Um, no thanks,” Judy replied. “Suit yourself,” Britney said as she took a bite. “Mmm, this one’s got gravy in it. Now look sweetie, I’m here to tell you that you’re s’posed to be visited by three ghosts tonight or something like that. They think you’re too old to be acting like a cock-hungry skank, but personally I think you’re fine.

Kid on Longboard is "Way Too Cool for Class"

I mean, I’m still a sex idol even though I’m on the downside of my career and have to pay Kevin Federline alimony checks every month. Now that I think about it, I’m not even sure how NASCAR tickets can count as alimony.” “Isn’t this a lot like that story A Christmas Carol?” “Look honey, I don’t read Shakespeare. Oh my, look at the time! I’ve got to record a new album with The Black Eyed Peas!” With that, Britney scooped up the two crying infants and left the room, slamming the door behind her. Before Britney’s

what'’s inside

How to Hide Your Lifestyle From Your Visiting Mother

According to his future unemployment officer.

She can't know the truth about her little baby boy.

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horrible southern twang was out of earshot, Judy had already gotten out of bed and locked the bedroom door. She shook her head in disbelief and sat back down. “I’ve got to stop taking vodka shots with my Xanax before bed,” Judy muttered. Just as her eyes were starting to get heavy again, she heard a loud screeching sound, and without warning a pink Lamborghini slammed through her bedroom door. The door to the Lambo opened up, and out stumbled Lindsay Lohan.

continued on page 19

Being a Grandma's Girl Grams tags along for Moms Weekend.

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Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults?

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page 5: Dear Mom, Please Don't Hate Me Nancy, this one's for you.

page 7: A Drug Dealer's Tax Woes Freshman stoner is forced to become an adult.

page 8: The Lulu App: Hashtags and Flashbacks The new app allowing girls to control the future of men.

page 9: Demystifying Porn Fantasies: The Hot Stepmom She's just not that into you, dude.

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page 16: Bartenders of the Week Two studly men from Joe's and Firehaus.

page 16: the Drinking Game and Recipe for Disaster

Table of

Mom's Bar Crawl Challenge and Chocolate Lasagna

page 17: Booze of the Week: Gosling's Black Seal Bermuda Black Rum Justin Long gives it half a thumb up.

page 18: The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part IX

Jerry joins the Jennings family for lunch, sexy things ensue.

page 18: from the streets

What are your Moms Weekend plans?

pages 20 - 21: The Summer Internship Office Now you can work with Michael Scott, too!

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mitch Heiar Contributing Writers David Rubin, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Sean Neumann, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Sam Caravette, Kimberly Gleeson

page 18 Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Micek Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Questions? Advertising? 217-390-1747

Blind Pig 2 | Boltini | Brothers | Burnham 310 | Canopy Club | Clybourne | Cowboy Monkey | Discount Den | Electric Tan | Espresso Royal | Fat Sandwich | Firehaus | Follets | Fubar | Geovanti’s | Green St. Café | GSC 2 | Guidos | Guiliani’s | High Dive | Hooters | Howbowda Bagel | Indigo Place | Insomnia Cookies | Joe’s | Jupiters | Kams | Legends | Memphis on Maine | Murphy’s | Niro’s | One North| One South | One World | Piccadilly on First | Pita Pit | Potbelly | Qdoba | Roland Office | Silvermine | Solar Tan | Starbucks | Subway| Tanning next to Canopy | The Village | Tower at Third | Underground Printing | University Village | The Beef Stand | Zorba’s BINS ALL OVER CAMPUS, SOME DORMS, ALL GREEK HOUSES, AND MORE!!

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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of the


Dear Mike, All of my friends want me to watch the new season of Game of Thrones but I haven’t seen any of the first two seasons. Can you fill me in real quick? Sincerely, Lost Dear Lost, I also have not seen the first two seasons of Game of Thrones. However, I feel like after seeing countless advertisements and overhearing enough conversations about the show I have a pretty strong grasp on what is going on. So the main character of the show is this little person played by Peter Dinklage. This guy doesn’t fuck around. However, because of his size he has to resort to some dirty fighting tactics, like biting and punching people in the dick. He gets upset when people call him names like “Peanut” and “Short-Round,” and often deals with depression because of his size and hideous appearance. However, one day Dinklage is hobbling along when he comes across Boromir. Now, Dinklage had been a huge Lord of the Rings fan, so this was a pretty big deal for him. Together, the two set out to find and destroy the ring. Dinklage often attempts to tell Boromir that the ring is destroyed at the end of LOTR, but Boromir refuses to listen. Along the way Boromir teaches Dinklage life lessons about accepting himself and how to stand up to bullies. Some dragons are thrown in there somewhere, and there is also this kid who’s a king or something. I don’t know, I think the kid’s gay or something. - Mike

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Sparkle as a glamour last week’s answers

Jenna Dewan & Tyler, the Creator

word of the week Diarrmea:

A narcissist’s inability to stop talking about him or herself. “Carol’s diarrmea finally caught up to her when she accidentally told Lex about the time she pooped her pants in church. There was no second date.”

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Dear Mom, Please Don’t Hate Me kitty kat wrote this There is a weekend coming up, A time unlike any other. A time when two worlds collide, And I share this campus with my mother. It’s Moms Weekend in Champaign. Cast your restraints aside. Welcome back to college life; Let your daughter be your guide. Dear Mom, please don’t hate me For what you’re about to see. You’re always so protective, But for now, just let it be. Dad’s at home and doesn’t know What you’ll be going through. We’ll see things that can’t be unseen And do things we shouldn’t do. But this just isn’t Moms Weekend; I’m turning twenty-one as well. So instead of just laying low, It’s time to raise some Hell. I bet you did some crazy things During your time at NIU, And now that I’ll be twenty-one I want to party with you too. Before the clock strikes midnight, And I take my first legal drink,

I’ll make you bong a beer or two, Just to see what you would think. Our first stop will be Brother’s, We won’t have to wait in line. I know some of the guys working From somewhere, some night, some time. If you can try and stand the smell, I’ll bring you in to Kam’s. A round of Blue Guys at the bar, One by one we’ll slam. Things will start to get real weird On the dance floor inside Joe’s. You might want to look away While I dance up on the poles. Or better yet, come join me! You’re tiny; you’ve got rhythm. The guys will really dig it, Mom. Other moms won’t know what hit ‘em. When we’re danced out and good to go To Firehaus we’ll crawl. Fish Bowl races, Lime-A-Ritas, Draft beers nice and tall. There’s a bar at Third and Green I’m scared to take you to, But it’s a rule on Moms Weekend So it’s something we must do.


Here, Mom, are the freshman boys; They call Red Lion home. We’ll dance on tables, order shots, But no way will I leave you alone. You see, the point of this weekend Is not to stay with your own mother. If you’re a guy, you’re on the hunt To take home another. So Mom, stick by my side tonight And please don’t be alarmed. You might get a few ass grabs, But I won’t let you be harmed. The night would not be complete Without a drunk food trip. With so many spots to choose from I’ll give you a little tip. If you want something quick and cheap Jimmy John’s will fill the void,

But a true Illini drinker Will want to feel a bit more destroyed. Fat Sandwich—I’ve told you about it— The one where everything is fried. Even if you puke it up At least you can say you tried. At 3 a.m. we’ll call it quits And head back to go to bed. Chug some water, take some pills, Unless you want to feel it in your head. I swear there’s nothing else I want, No gifts or clothes or money. To see you drunk and stumbling around Would be so very funny. But Mom, please don’t hate me If you feel like you want to hurl. You know you still had lots of fun, And I’m still your little baby girl.

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Kid on Longboard is “Way Too Fucking Cool for Class” sean neumann wrote this Riding down Gregory Drive, hair blowing in the wind, shades secured tightly on his little pubescent face, Benny Craig was skipping class yet again. He pumps his foot against the paved road, propelling him further, perfectly in time with The Lumineers' rhythmic guitar twang pulsing through his oversized headphones. “He’s just way too fucking cool for class,” John Fabrezio, Craig’s future unemployment officer, pointed out while staring down the youngster longingly. “Man, if I was like him when I was in school… oh, man…” A slight tear formed at the corner of Fabrezio’s eye. Craig is a business major at the University of Illinois but says the only business he has is “shredding like a fucking boss” and “slaying the pussy.” “My grades are sort of killer, but like, it’s not a big deal,” Craig says. His outstanding turnaround in Statistics 100 midway through the fall 2012 semester is evidence of this, turning an F into a surprising D-. No one is exactly sure how he did this, but his professor—who prefers to remain unnamed—became starry-eyed when she was asked about Craig, claiming that he was the “dreamiest piece of blonde peach fuzz” that she had ever seen. Fabrezio said the student has a bright future, as long as he is injured in an accident that gives him a large sum of money in a lawsuit. “I mean, I’ll totally take a crash if it gives the cash, you know what I mean?” Craig said. Fabrezio added that as long as Craig remains as cool as he is with his iPod headphones in his ears at all times, there is a good chance the pair can make a financially rewarding accident happen soon. “If I don’t have to think about going to some pointless-ass class anymore, that would be tight,” Craig said, staring off toward the South Quad in wonder. “The longboard is like a relic of the ancient gods that got handed down in the…” Craig tailed off, confusing himself with too many big words. Craig says all he needs in life is what he calls his “two B’s,” later explained as his “bitch and board.” His girlfriend, Jenny Collins, is also a student at the university. Collins says she also enjoys longboarding in addition to Googling inspirational quotes by Audrey Hepburn, listening to the hottest new band on, and dying her hair the color of her mood—a habit she “happened to pick up” after seeing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Collins said she began to dig Craig when she first saw him cruising down the street in his Urban Outfitters tank top and sunglasses. “When he told me he thought Mumford and Sons was a cool band, I just knew he was the one,” Collins said, adorably pushing her thick-rimmed glasses up her nose. Craig added that he believes all of life’s lessons are found on the board, not in an academically distinguished institution featuring some of the world’s brightest and most creative minds. “After college, I’ll just go wherever life takes me,” Craig said, smiling like a little shit. “Maybe somewhere like California. I’ve always wanted to live there. I know everyone says that, but I mean it, man.” Fabrezio is confident that he can find a source of income for the uninspired and academically empty student. “I mean, once he gets over the high school phase of his life, I’m sure he’ll find some sort of part-time job. I heard Cold Stone is hiring,” Fabrezio said. “But then again, his parents are rich, so who knows if he’ll ever have to work for anything.” Craig agreed. “My parents are chill and have a lot of dough, so I’ll probably just go out and buy a new board before I worry about a job or anything unimportant like that dumb shit.”

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A Drug Dealer’s Tax Woes mad max wrote this

It’s been a long and prosperous year for the drug dealer in Hopkins Hall, self-titled “D Cubed.” However, with his newfound adulthood comes having to fill out his own tax return. Unbeknownst to his parents, he’d been fired from his waiter position for eating food from his customers’ tables when he thought they weren’t looking. To pick up the financial slack he’s been slinging bud and smoking his own supply for free. Like a Green Santa Claus who makes a profit, everyone was happy except the government, but then again, they’re never happy.

but I can’t believe that asshole thought to look in my sock drawer.”

What follows are a collection of his notes as he battled his way through the 1040EZ form:

“Ran out of j-papes, so I tore off part of that tax sheet. It was just a shitload of instructions and mumbo jumbo anyways. Might have been useful to read … but fuck it. If I screw this up, how will they even know? The government is asking me to fill the forms out for them, right? If they knew how much I owed, they’d just send me a bill. Fuckin’ idiots. I’m doing these suits a favor by taking time out of my pretty open schedule to fill out these stupid lines. Speaking of lines, I’m going to call Frosty Allen and get this night started right.”

“EZ? Easy my ass.” “So does a scale count as a tax deduction? I mean, I physically need it for my job. It’s like I’m a salesman. That’s exactly what I am except there is no paperwork, which is making this really fucking difficult. Let’s see … those two roommates down the hall come here around once a week all year and have been pretty consistently buying half-eighths, plus those girls are always stopping by. Wait, fuck, they don’t pay for shit. Is that what the charitable donations section I passed up earlier was talking about? It’s got to be charity if I’m not getting laid right? Whatever, I’m just going to put it down anyways.” “Employer? I’m self-employed, biatch. Well, I mean, there is my guy Smokey Brian who works at The Beef Stand. Then there's that guy he picks up from who I’ve met a few times. I think his name is Josh? The feds don’t need me to go any deeper into all the shady shit that happens when someone gets too high up the food chain. Those kingpins and mid-level drug management guys got to be making bank, though. Speaking of which, I need a bank account. I can’t be having all this cash around in a safe, I’m totally going to get robbed again. I know my door was unlocked and all,

“Where is the part of this form where I get the money? My phone bill is coming up, and I need the government to send me a fat check. They used to give me cash with my old jobs, and this one is much more strenuous. Getting paid in cash is nice and all. Actually, it’s really nice. I can report whatever amount I want. Do I even need to fill this form out? Smokey Brian will know. I’ll ask him.”

“Alright, this should be pretty much done. There was an option to do state or federal at the beginning, but I went big and chose fed. Those pigs ain’t gonna’ catch me! I’m two steps ahead of them at their own paperwork. It’s just like my boy Leo in Catch Me if You Can. Holy shit, he should play me in a movie. Fuck. I wonder if DiCaprio smokes. I’d totally smoke him up if he stopped by. I’ll tweet at him to stop by sometime so we can hash out the creative details.” As it turns out, chronicling his drug expenditures was a horrible idea. Even without claiming all of his gains, the government only cared that he was slingin’ dope. At his trial, the feds simply thought he was just another poor drug dealer, as opposed to an incompetent taxpayer. Turns out the scale counted as a deductible though, so he should get about twenty bucks after he serves his time.

How to Hide Your College Lifestyle

from Your Visiting Mother

david rubin wrote this Moms Weekend is coming up, and it’s about time you take a good, hard look at yourself and see how your lifestyle can and will show your mother that her sweet, innocent child is in fact a substance-abusing sexmonger. If you don’t want your mother to realize what her tuition money is actually going towards, it’s time for some spring cleaning to clear out all the evidence.

so for all you know your mom could be insanely cool about catching you on this one and ask you to roll up a spliff. It’s best not to take that chance, though, trust us.

Let’s first look at your alcoholism and how obviously you’re portraying it in your apartment. For starters, your mom isn’t stupid; she knows you’re in college and get drunk from time to time. What you don’t need her knowing is that the occasional “one or two nights a week” you go out is actually closer to five or six. She doesn’t need to come in and see the ten empty Captain Morgan handles that you killed with your roommates in last two weeks. The graveyard in your kitchen may be a trophy room to you, but in this case, it’s a good idea to toss them out and start fresh before your mom puts a bag over your head and takes you to rehab.

Judging by the last two pieces of advice, you might be anxiously washing your sheets in hot water and throwing away any left-behind bras and panties by this point. No, stop. You should keep that stuff in sight. Better yet, pick up a couple condoms, rip them open and leave one or two scattered around. Not too obviously, but visible enough so your mom will definitely see them and ask you about it. This helps you out in a couple ways. First, it’ll show your mom that you’re having safe sex, when you’re so totally not. Second, it’ll simply show that you’re not some anti-social recluse that isn’t getting laid. Your mother will be satisfied that you’re having a very fulfilling, rich, and responsible time in college. She’ll never have to know how many Plan Bs you’ve already bought this semester. This works even better on Dads Weekend.

It doesn’t matter if your parents have caught you smoking weed before; it’s best not to leave any trail of your drug dependencies when mom visits for the weekend. Pack up your bowls, bongs, joint papers, one-hitters, grinders, or any other paraphernalia you may have lying around and shove them in the bottom of your hamper. This way, your rancid, dirty laundry can cover up any scent of the white widow you just picked up. Parents’ reactions can differ a lot here,

The biggest, most important task is to hide how terrible of a student you are. You haven’t been to class in weeks, and you definitely haven’t started thinking about that paper due Friday. These don’t really matter, because if your mom asks how classes are going, lying can make all of those issues disappear temporarily. If you want to go the extra mile, scatter an assortment of nonsensical notes and bullshitted, graded assignments around your desk and living room

table. Throw some textbooks on there for added effect, and while your mom may complain about how messy your apartment is, she’s not going to care when you tell her that you have a big exam coming up and you’ve been studying non-stop. If this all goes well, you could even feel good, despite having no idea what your professor’s face looks like. It’s best to stay out of your apartment as much as possible during Moms Weekend. Take her around the Quad, to downtown Champaign, out to eat, or anything that will keep you guys away from your illicit substance-infested sex lair.

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The Lulu App: Hashtags and Flashbacks scotty g. wrote this If you’re a cool kid, you’ve probably heard of Lulu by now. If not, listen up, loser. Lulu is a new app where girls anonymously rank guys… like there’s not enough of these types of things floating around. You might be wondering why any guy would sign up to be ranked by anonymous girls on a public forum. Well, they don’t have to sign up, because every guy you know is already on Lulu. The app is linked through Facebook, which not only prevents men from accessing it, it also creates a profile for them, and basically denies any sense of privacy. This is how it works: Let’s say Betty hooked up with Tim last month, and she wants to let all the women on Lulu know what his deal is. All Betty has to do is search for Tim, open up his profile, and answer a few simple questions. First, she can categorize her relationship with Tim by saying whether he is an ex-boyfriend, a crush, a hookup, etc. Then she gives him a rating from 0 to 5 stars on attributes like appearance, humor, and sex abilities. Now Betty gets the chance to give some more specific remarks about Tim. She can choose to assign a number of hashtags to her review, a lengthy list of hashtags that is both good and bad, ranging from adoring compliments to embarrassing insults. If she likes Tim, she could pick things like #SixPack, #NerdyButILikeIt and #BigFeet. Or she could mark him down by picking #GoneByMorning, #VideoGamer and #CantBuildIkeaFurniture—all of which are real hashtags in the app. Betty’s answers then get compiled into all the rankings that Tim received from other girls to give him an aggregate score from 0 to 10.

We’re betting a number of girls will find this quite useful, because they like to creep and bitch about guys in equal parts. Imagine a random guy comes up to you at a bar and introduces himself. You don’t know anything about him except his name and that he apparently has bad breath. Now you can do what any other bitch girl at the bar does and pull out your phone. Fire up the Lulu app and check out the guy’s complete profile. Sorry Tim, looks like Betty only gave you a 4 out of 10 in the First Kiss category (probably ‘cause of that breath), and she said you were #CheaperThanABigMac. Looks like you won’t be accompanying Tim to the Joe’s dance floor after all. As soon as Lulu reaches a tipping point in popularity, expect to see a massive panic amongst the male population. Tim will quickly realize that he can’t get with any girl when his rating is a measly 6.3, so he’ll do what any reasonable man would do and start wooing the women of his past. Lulu is a game changer in the world of exes and one-night stands because suddenly they hold the power to make or break a man’s future. Remember that girl from Weston that you spent the night with and never called back? It’s time to shower, shave, dress sharp, and go cook her a gourmet meal while reciting French poetry... unless you want her to forever scar your reputation by adding #FuckedMeAndChuckedMe to your profile. Or worse, she might tell the whole world that you own #Crocs. Some of the less creative and more desperate fellows out there might just resort to tracking down past hookups and stealing their phones.

This potential hysteria has given rise to rumors that the sole purpose of Lulu’s creation was to get men to treat women better. But who knows? The threat of ruining a guy’s chances with all girls might just make the world a better place. Imagine a magical land where every male is so terrified of a bad ranking that they start making spontaneous romantic gestures and bathing regularly. Surely we would all be better off if each man earned the title of #FlowersJustBecause and #SmellsAmazeballs. If an identical app existed for guys to rank girls it would surely grab headlines. Every social commentator would claim that an anonymously compiled, universally accessible, in-depth profile of a girl’s most personal and sexual experiences which uses no method of fact-checking was nothing more than a disgusting tool of public humiliation and the most egregious example of our culture’s misogyny. But don’t worry, Lulu is girls only. And will probably fade out quicker than MySpace.



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Demystifying Porn Fantasies:

The Hot Stepmom

tex mex wrote this The Black Sheep recently received a submission for an editorial from an anonymous source only identifying himself as a graduating senior and very, very sexually pissed-off. While we normally don’t solicit outside editorials in the spirit of maintaining the sanctity and credibility of our publication, the source urged us that the following accounts in his journals contain information that will “permanently reimagine the ways in which we view MILF-inspired adult entertainment” as well as “save students from the fallacy of the hot stepmom.” We feel that this invaluable information will be as pertinent as ever for this coming Moms Weekend.

2:35 p.m. – April 20, 2012 So apparently my stepmom didn’t find a rose petal trail leading to my room with me lying promiscuously on my side with a tulip stemming from my urethra attractive. Like, to an extent that it caused her to frantically dash back to her car and call my dad immediately. Now my stepmom’s horrifically creeped out, my dad’s screaming on the phone, “NOT AGAIN, NOT AGAIN…” while asking where he went wrong as a father, and I’m pretty sure I have to pass a kidney stone-sized bit of the flower stem. How in the hell did this not work? I suppose, in a sense, pink roses don’t really complement my carpet well, so that could've been it. 9:26 a.m. – April 21, 2012 I apologized to my stepmom, and explained yesterday’s incident by saying that I was practicing a performance for my ancient Greek theater class. Luckily, she bought it, and we’re sitting in IHOP right now having a pleasant breakfast. She’s asking me how school is and how things are with friends and such, but I can’t help but to pause and take notice of her divinely chiseled physique. I find myself staring at her tight, skimpy dress which is almost straight out

Top 10

Worst things to Say to the Mom in Your Bed

Every frat star wants to snag a sexy middle-aged woman on Moms Weekend. After you let your dick do the talking for most of the night, make sure you end on a positive note by avoiding saying one of the following: 10.) “Can you sign this permission slip?”: There’s nothing a mom wants less when she’s bangin’ a hot young fraternity dude than to be reminded of her motherly duties. Signing report cards, enforcing curfews, parent-teacher conferences, anything which reminds a mom of the terrific gap in age between her and her young stud is a total ladyboner killer. 9.) “Your son’s making us breakfast.”: The only thing worse than hooking up with someone’s lovely mother is hooking up with your roommate’s lovely mother. Sure, it may be fun to call him “son” now and again, but think about the relationship you have with your dad. It’s usually “Dad,” followed by, “can I have some money?” You…you don’t have any money. 8.) “Don’t worry, I think your crow’s feet are sexy.”: Nothing pisses off a woman more than acknowledging her natural, visible signs of aging. Avoid any talk of wrinkles or varicose veins. Basically, avoid discussing anything that is sagging further than it used to. 7.) “And that makes it 101! YES!”: Someone who has a child in college will not be bothered by the fact they are hooking up with a person young enough to be their kid. But finding out his one-eyed monster has been in 100 bearded oysters before he slipped past her beef curtain might start to dampen her spirits, not her vagina.

Excerpts given by the source are from his notebook entitled ATMS 120 Porn Has Lied to Me, or How I Stopped Fantasizing and Learned to Resent My Stepmother: 11:47 a.m. - April 20, 2012 I should be baking up a batch of good feelings and incessant giggling right now with my frat brothers, but I’ve been busy preparing for the biggest Moms Weekend of my life. Freshly out of my parents’ divorce, my new, completely bangably smokin’ stepmom is coming down for the whole weekend. I suppose I’ve had a natural affinity with mothers—save for my biological one who never took my advances seriously growing up—but who got the last laugh there, you dead bitch? Let me tell you, my dad’s new squeeze takes the cake. As I’ve been self-training myself with collections of “My Friend’s Hot Mom” and “MILFhunter” videos ever since the discovery of dial-up internet, I think porn has given me a pretty good handle on what to expect from my obviously equallyhorny stepmom.


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6.) “Money’s on the dresser.”: All the poor woman wanted to do was see her child for the weekend before Jäger decided to ruin her life. Your crumpled dollar bills by the door don’t make up for a regrettable weekend.

of Stepmom Sexcapades III, and my mouth is watering just looking at her ultra-seductive smirk like the actresses from 2 Stepmoms, 1 Son. And those mammoth breasts… I can hardly contain my cheerful spirit sparking right below the table. When my stepmom throws herself from the table and storms out of the restaurant in disgust, I realize that I have unconsciously said aloud everything that I just wrote. 10:26 p.m. – April 21, 2012 I offered to court my noticeably irritated stepmother to Red Lion for a casual drink. While I’m pretty sure she wants nothing to do with me at this point, porn has taught me that playing hard to get lasts approximately no longer than five to seven seconds, so she must be some sort of anomaly within the vast networking of sexy second-mothers. But at this point, I am becoming a bit discouraged since she’s grinding on a few of the guys from the frat on the table I’m sitting at. I’m trying to make my next move, but having my buddy’s ass thrust into my face while he’s befriending my stepmom is a huge obstacle. So I decided to peruse the other lucky candidates within the collection of single mothers visiting campus in an effort to make my stepmom jealous. As it turns out, being drunk and disorderly at the Union craft fair will get you arrested, and fashioning a gloryhole in one of the pottery displays is only “so clever” before it becomes “so indecent exposure.” 11:56 a.m. – April 22, 2013 I bade farewell to my stepmom from the gracious confines of Champaign County Jail, but I think both of us were glad that we wouldn’t be seeing each other for a long, long time. Even after explaining to her that my actions were encouraged by 11 years of being lied to by adult entertainment, she was still disgusted for some inane reason. But my dad can put up with her, so I don’t care anymore. I do care, however, that Cinderella and the Devilishly Double-D Stepmother has been buffering for 10 minutes now on the public computer here.

5.) “Oooh! I hope you’re a mommy again.”: What better way to tell that beautiful, busty older woman that the crackling she heard was a candy wrapper and not a condom. You were gracious enough to fill her up with the juices to give her the greatest joy in life, so she shouldn’t be too upset. 4.) “You taste like your daughter.”: Chances are, any woman slutty enough to sleep with a college student while visiting her child has produced a daughter equally as slutty. We can’t really be sure what part of the mother and daughter tastes the most similar, but after your exploration, something seems a little fishy.

3.) “I can’t wait to post this video to Milfhunter.”: Unknowingly taping someone is bad enough, but posting it to the internet is awful. Here’s to hoping her son never stumbles upon it while he has his lotion and tissues out, because that’s one porn fantasy that no one wants to come true. 2.) “So do you want to watch some Futurama now?”: Despite wanting to get with some younger guys, many cougars forget just how immature many college students actually are. What they really want is a mature, distinguished, and elegant man to fill their needs. Laughing at boner jokes isn’t elegant outside of Cambodia. (Note: Go to Cambodia.) 1.) “Hit me up on Facebook.”: As if she needed to be reminded again of the generation gap you bridged with your penis last night. If she’s on Facebook it’s to look at funny cat memes her post-menopausal friends send her, not to stalk barely-legal boys.

Reindeer Games wrote this

page 10

being a Grandma's Girl Sammie Sea wrote this Every year I look forward to Moms Weekend because my mom generally keeps her shit together. No wild parties, no drunken antics—just a nice weekend of shopping, casual drinking, and semi-fine dining. However, this year was very different. Not only did my mom come down, but my grandma tagged along too. Who could blame her? After my grandpa was arrested for embezzlement Arrested Development-style, she had been pretty lonely, and I just couldn't say no. The weekend started like any typical family visit. My grandma arrived at my apartment around three on Friday with groceries, small gifts, clothes I will probably never wear—you know, typical grandma things. I decided to take my grandma off campus to avoid the shenanigans of Moms Weekend. It took some convincing though, because she kept saying something about wanting to “hang out with the meatheads.” Maybe it’s dementia kicking in. As we walked through the Market Place Mall, her meager frame pushed along her walker, and she preciously struggled to keep up with my steps. Suddenly, my grandma stopped and pointed out a very risqué outfit in one of the store windows. "Now that would look hot," my grandma said as she slowly pointed toward the window, before grabbing my arm to drag me inside. "Grandma, you know that's not really my style," I replied as I stared at the skin-tight, metallic short-enough-to-be-a-shirt dress with fishnet tights. "Your style? Who said this was for you? I need something to wear out tonight," she laughed, clicked her dentures and searched for her size on the rack. I watched, a little disgusted, as her wrinkly fingers examined the tags and caressed the leather material. "Grandma, why don't we go over to JCPenney? I think it's more appropriate. We don't want people getting the wrong impression if we go

out,” I explained while following her toward the dressing room. "What do I look like? Some old hag? Stop being a prude bitch and zip me up. I've been to enough college parties to know you gotta whore it up if you want to get laid. Maybe that's why you're still single." My grandma's elderly body protruded out of the edges of the dress and bulged in the most unsightly places. She looked at herself in the mirror, licking her lips and practicing sexual poses. “It’s perfect,” she croaked. The next thing I knew we were at the counter, and my grandma had just spent $75 on a skimpy cocktail dress. We finally got back to my apartment, I knew that this was my only chance to convince my mom to keep my grandma inside for the night. When my grandma hobbled out of the room, I quickly spoke up. "Mom, grandma can't go out tonight. What if she slips on the floor and breaks her hip?” "Oh sweetie c’mon, I think it would be good for you to take her out. You know how lonely she gets!” My mom obviously had no idea what her own mother was capable of. And she definitely had no idea what was just purchased at the mall. Suddenly, my grandma busted through the door in her new outfit with a handle of Patron and a half-finished can of PBR. She tripped over the doorframe and barely caught herself, resting a hand on her hip as she slowly regained balance. “Everyone’s starting at Joe’s! Grab a flask, and we’ll pregame on the way!” She grabbed her purse off the counter and quickly shoved what I believed to be her diaphragm inside before hurrying out the door. I finally caught up to her outside of Joe’s. I questioned her sudden burst of speed until I realized my grandma had installed glow-in-the-dark wheels to the bottom of her walker, pushing her down the street like she was back in her prime. The atmosphere inside Joe’s felt like an STD;

the fog seemed denser with the hot steam of MILFs and beer-goggled frat guys. I watched in fear as my grandma quickly stole a few drinks off a table and made her way over to the stripper poles. Due to her arthritis, the task was more difficult than she anticipated, but she used her walker as a small stepladder to get up to the raised level. Suddenly, I was plagued with the image of my grandmother dry humping guys my age and provocatively sucking on her dentures to a group of onlookers. She danced like we were at the Silver Bullet’s amateur night. As soon as I looked away, I heard a loud crash and turned to see my grandmother lying on top of a meek freshman boy who was frozen in horror. Everyone in the room stopped to watch as my grandma slowly stood up like nothing had happened. “What are you bitches looking at?” she shouted. “Keep dancing!” The room erupted in cheers, and she continued her raunchy dancing until the bar closed. I caught a glimpse of her leaving with a tall, muscular man in a sleeveless t-shirt, and we haven’t heard from her since. Sure, I miss my grandma, but now we don’t have to worry about that awkward moment where we tell her we’re putting her in a home.

102 East Gregory

AT $300/MONTH! Locations on John, Gregory, West Oregon & Iowa Furnished Units Available • Pet Friendly • Laundry On-Site • Parking Passes Available Close to Campus and Nightlife • Located near MTD Bus Lines Office: 202 East Green Street | Champaign, IL | (217) 355-8300

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

King of the Wings! Contest all April - Finals 4/24 Trophy, t-shirts, prizes and more Must register at the bar at 9pm on Wed - First Come First Served!

Friday Night's Shows IN SHAMBLES COMEDY TOUR (Early Show!) ZEDS DEAD with MISS A and THE INTERNS (Late Show!)

Saturday! WELCOME MOMS! Happy Hour Food Specials... $3 PIZZAS - $3 NACHOS We will be giving away Mom's Bucket List Shirts All Afternoon!

SATURDAY! The Dirty Feathers, 9pm, $7 w/ Baby Strange, The Fights, and Kingston Springs


$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

Relay for Life Benefit Concert Early Show! OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

FRATTLE of the DJ's! DJ's compete weekly to WIN $1000 at the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas


$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands, $4 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!


$1 WELLS $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Everything Else in the House!

Closed for a Private Party: Book Yours by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing $2 Domestics, $2 Wells


$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!


WELCOME MOMS! Happy Hour Food Specials.. $3 PIZZAS - $3 NACHOS $5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboys

truthNZ, $10, 10pm


$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers $7 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!


WELCOME MOMS! Happy Hour Food Specials... $3 PIZZAS - $3 NACHOS We will be giving away Mom's Bucket List Shirts All Afternoon!

The Dirty Feathers, 9pm, $7 w/ Baby Strange, The Fights, and Kingston Springs


Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

$2 Wells

The patio opens when weather permits! Food from our kitchen coming soon! Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing



MASON JAR MONDAY! Pub Quiz Starting at 9PM!

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm, Battle for the Summer Camp Music Festival!


$3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!


CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas No Cover!

Wine Night $8 Bottles of WIne $2 Goose island 312 Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots


$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

FRATTLE of the DJ's! DJ's compete weekly to WIN $1000 at the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$1 Slices from Manolos - No Cover!


if you need it, we’ve got it!

We’re Pet Friendly!

from the location to the impeccable amenities, and everything in between, who said you couldn’t have it all?

Amenities? We’ve Got ‘Em! Amazing Location Theater Room Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge Fitness Center

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC


The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

Celebrate Moms Weekend With Us!

FRIDAY! WWHP Presents: Fred Eaglesmith, Doors at 6pm DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells

Get your Moms Day shirt at

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

New Spring Seasonal food specials! $2 Fireball $2 Woodchuck

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or

$5 24 oz. Yards of Gatorade Free Cover Any Thursday when you bring your yard back! Book your next event at Joe's 217-384-1790 Come enjoy the beer garden!

FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Open Mic Wednesdays, Special Night Come Play! $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!!


Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Bud Light Mug Night Get the Brand New GLASS! A Huge 23oz Tallboy! Liquid Courage KARAOKE every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka

35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

$3 Strong Islands


Half Price Whiskey $2.50 Jack or Jameson $2.50 Three Olives Half Price Burgers 7:30-10pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light


WELCOME MOM'S! Blackhawks vs Red Wings at 7pm Play Minute to Win It! Win Cubs Tickets!

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

WWHP Presents: Fred Eaglesmith, Doors at 6pm DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID


Mom's Day! Open at 11am! We will be giving away Mom's Bucket List T-Shirts All Day Long!

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the NCAA, MLB and NBA Action at Guido's!

DJs and Dancing Spend your Saturday night at Highdive!

Live music throughout the day! Mom vs. Mom Dance off on the poles at midnight


Open at 11am $2 ANYTHING! Blackhawks vs Blues 11:30am BULLS vs HEAT - Noon Cubs vs Giants 1:20pm

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Spend your last hours with Mom outside! $6.95 Spazzle's and sides Buckets o' Beer on Special


$2 Bud Light Drafts $3 Any Import/Craft Beer $2 Long Islands HALF PRICE APPS 4-10pm

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or

Hawks @ 7! MNJ: $2 Blue Kamikazes $2 Bud Platinums


$2 Fireball $2 Malibu

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or

Tequila Tuesday! $2 Blue Moons Artist of the Week: A-Teens


Bud Light Mug Night Get the Brand New GLASS! A Huge 23oz Tallboy! Liquid Courage KARAOKE every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book your next party at Joe's! 217-384-1790

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken


2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 |

Mom's Weekend - NO COVER! $5 Pinnacle Vodka Drinks All Weekend

Celebrate Moms Weekend With Us!

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $2.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

$7.00 Killians, Shocktop, Lienenkugel's, Third Shift $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.00 Magic Dragons No Cover!

Shacker Night $2 UV Vodka, $5 24oz SHACKERS, $2.50 Fireball Shots, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

THURS. 4/11

Welcome Moms No Cover Charge!

Mom's Weekend - NO COVER! $5 Pinnacle Vodka Drinks All Weekend

Welcome Mom's! Open at 5pm! We will be giving away Mom's Bucket List Shirts All Night Long!

FRI. 4/12

Mom's Day! Open Early! Beer Garden is Open! We will be giving away Mom's Bucket List Shirts All Afternoon!

SAT. 4/13

Jukebox Night! All Request DJ! $1.50 Bud and Bud Lt. Bottles $2 Black Crown and Platinum $3 Bombs, $6 Pitchers $2 Light 16oz Bottles

TH: Meme Glass Night!

WED. 4/10

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Spend Mom's Weekend at Kam's! Come Get Our Famous Pints Glasses and Shirts! $5 Absolut Blue Guys $4 Malibu Spiced Rum $4 Wine & Champagne


$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles Meme Glass Night!

$2 U Call Its Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Spend Mom's Weekend at Kam's! Come Get Our Famous Pints Glasses and Shirts! $5 Absolut Blue Guys $4 Malibu Spiced Rum $4 Wine & Champagne

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Spend Mom's Weekend at Kam's! Come Get Our Famous Pints Glasses and Shirts! $5 Absolut Blue Guys $4 Malibu Spiced Rum $4 Wine & Champagne

Welcome Moms No Cover Charge!

Mom's Weekend - NO COVER! $5 Pinnacle Vodka Drinks All Weekend


Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

$4.00 Double Long Islands $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers $2.00 Orachata Shots $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles

Book your next Event or Party at the Red Lion! Contact our event planner at

SUN. 4/14

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$2 U Call Its Hawks @ 7!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports

$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger $2.00 Blue Moon $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles Karaoke @ 10

Monday Night Lion $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

MON. 4/15

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Night! Mason Jar Drinks: $1.50 Jim Beam & Red Stag, $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

Country Night! $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers, $2 Jim Beam Mixers, Pinnacle Vodka Shots, $2 16oz PBR/ Schlitz/ Old Style - Tall Boys


TUES. 4/16

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Jukebox Night! All Request DJ! $1.50 Bud and Bud Lt. Bottles $2 Black Crown and Platinum $3 Bombs, $6 Pitchers $2 Light 16oz Bottles

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $2.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 4/17

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders



ALL DAY - APRIL 13-14th at our Leasing Office Come to the office and take a free photo with your mom !


send your party pics to

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 16

bartenders of the week Bartender nickname: Reggie

Bartender nickname: Taco… because I’m a colossal drunken mess

Favorite drink: Vodka, water, lime

Favorite drink: Balls in your mouth… let’s be real, it’s fun

Relationship status: Going steady

Relationship status: Depends on the night

Favorite movie: The Sandlot

Dream super power: To not black out… or time travel

Where you see yourself in 10 years: Joe’s DJ booth turning it up with Revo

Celebrity you want to film a porno with: Bob Saget, Charlie Sheen, and Danny DeVito.

Sexual fantasy: In the White House

Biggest turn-on: Heavily calloused hands

Superhero name: The Hammer

Biggest turn-off: Straight teeth

Biggest turn-on: Pantyhose


Joe's Brewery

Biggest turn-off: Socks… ya feel me? Best place you’ve ever gotten a BJ: Navy Pier

the drinking game:



Favorite movie quote: Step Brothers: “C’mon, I’m not a raper.” Where you see yourself in 20 years: In a 4-way porno with Bob Saget, Charlie Sheen and Danny DeVito

recipe for disaster:

Mom's Bar Crawl Challenge Beeramid

chocolate lasagna

Skip the craft show, musicals andhistory whatever lame-ass activities campustoo. promotes The Egyptians had a long ofother drinking beer, the Aztecs Yes, this Moms Weekend. Instead, show yourcracking mom theopen finest a establishments Champaign these great civilizations just loved cold one after a hard has toerecting offer: theawe-inspiring bars. There, youfeats two can make beautiful,Now wasted day of engineering. it’smemories time to together. include the college student when breathlessly mentioning great pyramid-building, What You’ll Need: A mom/stepmom/dad/older sister, a 21-year-old ID and a hardy beer-loving societies. Greatness, thy name is Keystone Light! liver.

Screw all the health crap being shoved down everyone’s throats. Live a little, have the extra piece of cake, drink more beer, and have dessert for dinner—especially if it’s chocolate lasagna.

Number of Players: As many mom-kid pairs as you can find!

What You’ll Need: Some empties, fullies,mom a fair amount of coordinaLevel of Intoxication: Don’t do anythingsome with Sarah’s that you’ll regret. tion. Number of Players: 3-6 How to Play: - Makeof your mom a big ass breakfast, complete with mimosas. Level Intoxication: Denial (of your drinking problem) ain’t just a river in - If your mom insists on going to the craft show, bring a flask for the both of you and Egypt. drink whenever you see an overpriced scarf.

- Headto to Play: Joe’s and see whom can finish the El Presidente burger and three Bud Lights How the fastest. -- Go Start the game by placing one full beer in the middle of the table. to Murphy’s and order two Irish car bombs. Whoever drinks it the slowest buys -the Moving clockwise, next round of beer. each player takes turns placing an empty beer can to the right ortoleft of theand full treat beeryour to an extra-strong fish bowl. See how - Walk over Firehaus -many The straws bottom cans only be six cans wide. yourow can of fit in yourcan mouths. - Move Onceon attoleast cans aresome placed onwine thefor bottom may Cly’ stwo and beer buy your mom white a short row, breakplayers in the action. - Stumble over toup, Kam’s for some guys. Drink double every time she makes a begin building creating theblue classic two-dimensional pyramid shape. the smell. -comment Players about continue building the pyramid until the pyramid collapses. by White Ho, orderone some sausages Cokes, and play everythe Creed -- Stop No player may place can directlyand on whiskey top of another can, unless all song on the jukebox. six vertical rows of the pyramid are completed. In this case, begin stacking - Make your way to the final bar: The Red Lion. Buy your mom whatever she wants single beers on top of one another. on the condition that she dances seductively on the table to some annoying Pitbull -mash-up. The player who causes the pyramid to collapse must chug the full beer on the bottom row of the pyramid.

What You’ll Need: 1 package Oreo cookies, 6 tablespoon melted butter, 8-ounce package cream cheese (softened), 1/4 cup granulated sugar, 2 tablespoons milk, 12-ounce tub of Cool Whip, two 3.9-ounce packages of chocolate instant pudding, 3 1/4 cups cold milk, and 1 1/2 cups mini chocolate chips. Cook Time: Just over an hour. Fatty Factor: The perfect cure for a chubby kid’s sweet tooth. Let’s Get Baked: - Put the Oreos in a Ziploc bag and smash them with a hard object until they’re crumbs. We recommend thinking about something that pisses you off, like your lying, cheating whore ex. - Add the melted butter into the Oreo bag and mix. - Pour the Oreo and butter mix evenly across the bottom of your baking pan and place the pan in the refrigerator while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Mix the cream cheese in a separate bowl until it’s light and fluffy. - Add in 2 tablespoons of milk, sugar and 1 1/2 cups of the Cool Whip and mix until combined. - Remove the pan from the fridge and spread the cream cheese mixture over the Oreo crust. - Combine the chocolate instant pudding with the rest of the milk. Stir until the pudding starts to thicken. - Spread the pudding over the other layers with a spatula. - Let your lasagna chill for another five minutes in the refrigerator. - Remove the pan from the fridge, spread the remaining Cool Whip over your lasagna and sprinkle chocolate chips over the top. - Put your chocolate lasagna in the freezer for an hour before chowin’ down.

The Game Ends When: Your mom tells you you’re her favorite kid and pukes all over

Let it thaw a bit before diggin’ your teeth into it. The Black Sheep is not responsible for dental work. We’ll pull the teeth out, though, if you ask nicely.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Hungry for More?

The Game Ends When: Someone gets mad and calls their mummy. the dance floor.

page 17

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

booze of the week Booze Review: Gosling’s Black Seal Bermuda Black Rum | grade: C Overview: Don’t let the name fool you; this rum is nowhere near as delicious as that tall drink of water Ryan Gosling. And really, it doesn’t taste any different from any other rum on the shelf. History: How does one compete with Ryan Gosling? That’s a question that Justin Long mulled over for years on end. Even in middle school, Justin was always just … average, and he was growing sick of that label. “I’m young, I’m cute. I can act just as well. What makes this Gosling shit any better than me?” Justin asked. “I need a way to bring him down a level. Make him seem just so-so. Then I can step out into the scene, amaze the world and play Noah in The Notebook 2!” Saying this was a lot easier than actually doing it, Justin discovered. His recent success with the Mac vs. PC commercials made it nearly impossible to walk around in public. People were constantly coming up to him saying, “Yo Justin, I’m having

some serious problems with the new iTunes update. The layout is just all wrong. I can’t find where anything is. Can you help?” It was even worse when people approached him about his blockbuster films like Dodgeball and Accepted. How was he supposed to get anything done with people constantly asking him what it was like to work with Rip Torn? So Justin did what any normal scheming wannabe does and locked himself in his room. After a few lines of cocaine and an hour-long Pearl Jam playlist, Justin knew what he had to do. Using only materials found around his home, Justin concocted the world’s most mediocre rum and branded it under Ryan Gosling’s name. His hopes were that people would buy the bottle, associate it with the actor, then be immediately turned off and disappointed by its middle-of-the road flavor. After Justin’s bottles were on the shelves for a few months, he got a promising phone call. “Hi Jus-

tin, this is Tim Hill. I’m a director in Hollywood. I was just drinking this rum my wife picked up for us at Sam’s Club, and it made me think of you. How would you like to be the voice of the lead animated character in Alvin and the Chipmunks?” “My big break,” Justin smiled. “I accept.” Typical Drinkers: Matt Dillon, Herbie the Love Bug, White Goodman and friends, Steve the Pirate, and that guy that wears the hot dog suit. User Comments: “You know what I feel like watching? Crossroads. You know, the Britney Spears flick.” “This rum makes me sad.” “I think my boner just went back inside my body.” “I thought you said we were going to have fun tonight?” Conclusion: Meh.

Best Mixer: coke, we guess • Worst Mixer: who cares?

s s e r p m i s Let u s i h t m o m your weekend! NO COVER

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The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part IX Forrest Fire wrote this

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

Last time on The Blackout and the Beautiful: Allie and Mrs. Jennings pick up Jerry from jail. Allie believed this to be Jerry and her mother’s first encounter. Later that night, Jerry tries to end things with Mrs. Jennings but can’t deny the urge and decides to finish her instead.

What are your Moms Weekend plans?

Jerry and Mrs. Jennings are breathing hard as he thrusts one last time into her pulsing body. The two gaze into each others’ eyes, not feeling any emotion other than complete, unavoidable sexual lust. Jerry pulls himself off of Mrs. Jennings, staring at her lean, tan figure lying beautifully in between his bed sheets.

“I hope my mom doesn’t hook up with my frat slam.” - Angie W., Senior

“Yes,” Mrs. Jennings whispers before falling fast asleep. Jerry smiles and closes his eyes. Jerry awoke the next morning around 11 a.m., wiping drool from his face and looking around in confusion. When he remembered the night before, he looked to his side, expecting to see Mrs. Jennings. She was gone. A small note was on the pillow instead. “Jerry, where did you learn to do that? I know my daughter didn’t teach you.” Jerry felt a sharp pain in his stomach when Allie came to mind. “Oh shit. Allie,” Jerry moaned. He remembered that he had agreed to meet her and her family for lunch that day. He had an hour to get ready and wash away the smell of sex and semen. At 11:45, Jerry left T3 and rushed over to Firehaus. Jerry could not get over how hot his hook up with Mrs. Jennings was the night before. He and Allie had never experienced passion like that. The harder he tried to push the memory out of his mind, the more he wanted to do it again. Jerry greeted Mr. Jennings with a firm handshake and Allie with a soft kiss on the cheek. Jerry felt the sexual tension throughout his body when he and Mrs. Jennings shared a very awkward, very touchy hug. The family decided to sit in a booth, Mr. and Mrs. Jennings on one side and Allie and Jerry on the other. Mrs. Jennings broke the silence with a small laugh, “So, did you enjoy the testosterone in prison?” as she lightly stroked the stem of her wine glass over and over while starring deeply into Jerry’s eyes. “Mom! Sorry, Jerry, sometimes she can be really inappropriate.” Allie said as she put her hand on Jerry’s inner thigh.

Allie’s intimate touch made her mother jealous. In return, she sneakily began to play footsie with Jerry under the table. Jerry was extremely uncomfortable but he liked the attention. He could feel himself slightly aroused, but wasn’t sure which woman it was for. Did it even matter? Tension broke when the waiter finally came to take their order. Everyone ordered a sandwich except Mrs. Jennings. “I’ll have a girthy burger. See Jerry, you can still be married and eat meat,” Mrs. Jennings said as she winked and licked her lips before taking another long pull of wine. Allie noticed Jerry gawking at her attentionseeking mother and began to fight for the spotlight. She started to put her hand further and further up Jerry’s thigh. Soon she was jerking him off. Jerry shot up in surprise out of his seat causing water to spill all over Veronica’s white top, exposing her supple breasts. “Uh, oh my God … sorry … excuse me,” Jerry sputtered as he ran to the bathroom to hide his erection. He began to splash water on his face to calm down when he heard the bathroom stall squeak suspiciously. “Hello?” No answer. “Someone there?”

The next thing Jerry knew, the Firehaus waiter was pinning him down. “Be quiet and this will be easy,” his attacker threatened. “Who are you?” Jerry whimpered. “It’s me Jack, Kevin’s twin brother. Kevin and I have been following you for quite some time, and I know what you have been doing with Mrs. Jennings. Allie doesn’t deserve you; she belongs with Kevin. He would know how to treat her right. So either you end things with Allie, or we will tell her what you’ve been doing. Your choice.” Jack finished by shoving Jerry hard against the bathroom wall. After a few minutes, Jerry calmed down. He awkwardly walked out of the bathroom and went back toward the Jennings’ table. “I’m sorry about this, but I have to leave,” Jerry said. “Jerry, why? We haven’t gotten our food yet,” Allie probed. “I don’t feel good. I just got sick in the bathroom. I’m sorry.” Jerry left before they could say anything else. Before he made it to the door, he made eye contact with Jack across the room. He knew that the twin brothers were going to make him pay for what he did. To be continued!

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Chicken & Pizza

“Keep my mom off the tables and turned on to the blue guys.” - Jamie D., Senior



“Turning roast beef into prime rib.” - James C., Senior

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continued from the cover

“Shhhhh!” Lindsay said as she pressed one coke-covered finger to her lips. “Hey, I’m … the first one! Yeah, I’m supposed to show you some shit so come with me.” Before Judy could ask for Lindsay’s insurance information, her room began spinning until all the furniture and decorations resembled Kam’s. It was packed with young people and several older women, all standing in a circle watching something unfold in the middle. “Oh my god, this place looks fucking awesome. I’m buying us a round of Jägerbombs!” Lindsay screamed. Judy left the cokedup ghost behind and pushed past the crowd of people to see what they were all looking at. In the middle of the circle was Judy, dressed from head to toe in full hoodrat attire, on her knees pantomiming giving Jereme Richmond a hummer. The frightened boy tried to pull away but Judy wrapped her legs around his ankles. “Please ma’am, I just want to be a responsible student athlete who will work hard and make wise choices with my future!” Jereme pleaded as Judy fought with his zipper. “How’s about you show me something on the highlight reel?” Judy screamed before Jereme was finally able to pull away. “Yeah, the not top ten!” DJ Richardson yelled from the crowd of onlookers. With that, Judy was transported back to her half-destroyed room, but Lindsay was nowhere to be seen. Judy heard a faucet running in the bathroom and peaked to see if someone was inside. A naked Paris Hilton walked out and wrapped a towel around herself. “Sorry, I only look good in night vision. Well, I’m supposed to show you what’s going on in the present,” Paris explained. “Wait a moment. Who the hell is going to pay for my bedroom?” “There’s no time for that. We have to leave.” Once again Judy’s

destroyed room began spinning, and she and the walking venereal disease were transported to the chapter room of her son’s frat house. Several brothers were sitting around watching television and drinking Keystone. “Dude, did you hear that Tim’s mom is coming to visit this weekend again?” one of the bros said. “The ol’ frat mattress? Bro, let’s get one of the pledges to plow her. Last time I did my dick itched for a week. That cooch is rank. Plus, you can count the rings on it.” The brothers high-fived and continued proverbially blowing each other, but Judy’s heart sank. She thought the fine young men of Phi Alpha Gamma really liked her. Apparently not. “I’ve seen enough here,” Judy said to Paris who already had an armful of pledge paddles. The room started spinning again, and she was sent back to her room where Taylor Swift was waiting for her. “Wait, you aren’t a washed up slut. What are you doing here?” Judy inquired. “Eh, I mouthbanged a bunch of minorities after my first album, but that’s a story for another day. There’s no time to waste, we’re quickly approaching our word limit here.” Taylor grabbed Judy’s hand, and the room took on the shape of a hospital delivery room. A slightly older Judy was in labor on the delivery bed with a doctor in between her legs instructing her what to do. “How do I get pregnant? I packed plenty of Plan B,” Judy reasoned, watching her future self sweating and pushing in pain. “Yeah, but even Plan B can’t fight back the jizzum of the entire Illini football offense,” Taylor said. The future Judy let out a huge yell as she gave her final push. The doctor emerged from between Judy’s legs with a small crying child in his arms. After checking the child over he handed her to Judy and cut the umbilical cord.

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“I’m sure the father would like to see this. Come on in, Mr. Scheelhasse!” the doctor said, and the young, downtrodden Illini quarterback slunk into the room to see his newborn baby. “Holy shit, I bag the quarterback? I’m fucking set for life!” Judy exclaimed. “Wait, I don’t think you’re getting the point here. If you continue on your path this Moms Weekend, you’re going to have another child,” Taylor cried. “I got Scheelhasse for eighteen years. Thank God for entrapment!”

Season 3

Season 1

A Few Major Plot Points: The first season in the office gives a six-episode glimpse into Michael Scott’s uncomfortable weirdness, Jim’s crush on Pam (though she’s engaged to Roy), and the potential shutdown of the Dunder Mifflin branch. Which Makes the Audience Think: “What a weird, insular world these people live in.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: It’s the first day, and the too-cool-for-school 40-year-old giving you a tour of the office uses words like “brews” and “babes” to feel out your life outside of work. After he gets alltoo-excited showing you the IKEA-grade twirly chair you’ll call home this summer, he sheepishly asks you to help him remove some malware from his computer, but asks you be discreet about it; he can’t get caught browsing porn in the workplace, again. Over an Arby’s lunch in the break room you learn Tim has a crush on Sarah, but Sarah likes Peter. Though you thought such grade school antics would be left on the urine-soaked spiral slide on which you lost your virginity, you soon realize that most workplaces are little more than nine-to-five corrals for people with serious issues under very thin skin.

A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar is outed as a homosexual, Dwight takes Ryan out to Schrute Farms for an initiation with Mose, the Dunder Mifflin staff goes to Kelly’s Diwali celebration, and many attend Phyllis’ wedding. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Wait, so these people do have lives outside of the office.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Sure, in the office the employees may seem like pathetic drones just checking off boxes until they end up six feet under, but outside of the office... they’re even more pathetic. Becky – who certainly has a crush on you – invited you to a family cookout that featured hockey puck hamburgers and a screaming match with her dad, highlighted with, “Well, if you don’t want to pay for another abortion, it looks like I’ll have to get [you] to kick your ass!” After hightailing it out of there you decide to meet up with Sarah, the other intern they hired this summer, just to see if her outlook is as jaded as your own. It isn’t. As she tells you her twenty-year plan that involved crawling up the corporate ladder one hard-fought rung at a time, only to quit at the peak of her middle management powers to have two kids, you begin wondering why gun laws aren’t more lax in the United States.

Season 4 Season 2

A Few Major Plot Points: Michael hosts the Dundies, an award ceremony for the employees. Relationships rise and fall as Michael and his boss Jan secretly date, and Roy sets a wedding date on a company-funded booze cruise. Which Makes the Audience Think: “At the end of the day we’re all bags of meat trying to survive another day.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: After sitting through a grueling four-hour motivational speaker who tries to inspire staff with empty pablum like, “It doesn’t matter where you’re coming from; it only matters where you’re going,” and “If you’re not moving towards your goals, you’re moving away from your goals,” everyone breaks for the nearest strip mall restaurant that sells liquor. Six drinks and a lot of group venting later, it’s just you and Tim alternately shooting the shit and shooting whisky. He tells you about his big plans to move to the city to escape his love for Sarah, but the lack of conviction in his voice betrays how trapped he realizes he is. When he’s in the bathroom you whisper into your phone, “Siri, note that I shouldn’t ever be as pathetic as Tim.” She responds with, “Then why did you take this internship you unambitious piece of shit?”

A Few Major Plot Points: After Karen leaves and breaks up with him, Jim becomes the regional manager of the Scranton branch, and begins dating Pam. Toby moves to Costa Rica after confessing his love for Pam, and is replaced by Holly Flax, who shows affection for Michael. Despite being in a loving relationship with Jim, Pam moves to New York for a three-month stint at art school. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s important to look up from your daily grind, stop, and shake things up.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: All your friends are either working internships that fall in line with their future careers, or living off daddy’s money doing a summer-long, music fest bender. You come into the office to sit under sterile lighting and get mixed up in meaningless peoples’ lives for what, $10 and hour? Another bullet point on your resume? You’ll spend all that money within three weeks of fall semester, and the only “skill” you’re gaining here is “coordinated with management” and “became fluent in Microsoft Office.” Your other co-workers seem to be escaping this sinking ship, and you should too.

Season 5

A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam become engaged, and Pam moves back to Scranton where the two buy Jim’s parents’ house. Michael attempts a romance with Holly, but she’s transferred to another branch. Michael hates the new vice president of Dunder Mifflin and decides to start the Michael Scott Paper Company, but it is immediately bought out by Dunder Mifflin. Which Makes the Audience Think: “Sometimes it’s best to ignore what ails you, buckle down, and get back in line.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Things are finally starting to get a little interesting, the two people you kind of like are around on a regular basis, and your boss isn’t so awkwardly focused on making you feel at home. Instead he’s got his eye on the new HR lady, who’s actually kind of hot. Once you get to really know these people, you start to care for them. And when you start to care for them, you become interested in the tiniest aspects of their day-to-day interactions. Plus you’ve got a lot of responsibility, and your beloved co-workers actually rely on you! You’re a special, and important part of this organization, to leave now would be a downright mean thing to do.

Season 9

Season 7

A Few Major Plot Points: Michael Scott asks for Holly’s hand in marriage and the two move to Colorado. More relationships change. Michael’s first replacement is seriously injured, leading Jo, the CEO of Sabre, to create a search committee to interview candidates to manage the office. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This whole thing’s but a walking shadow, full of sound and fury, yet signifying nothing.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’ve tuned out. Your kind-of-endearing but increasingly-annoying manager has moved on after dedicating 20 years of his heart and soul to the company. Everyone is caught up in the same drivel that blinds them from the truth: they’re living horrifyingly bland lives. He likes her, she likes someone else, and the no one likes the new manager. Whatever, you’re almost out. Two more weeks and you’ll continue your education, trying ever harder to ensure you never get caught staring into the cold, unforgiving glow of a computer screen for hours on end. All these things happen around you, but like a dead cat carcass in the bottom of a river, you let it all pass over you. The only thing that keeps you coming back is some unknown universal force of attachment to the place, and another brick in the ol’ resume.

A Few Major Plot Points: Oscar considers adopting Angela’s cat, Kevin gets a turtle, Dwight teaches Erin Dothraki, an acapella group shows up, Pam gives people lice, and there’s a paper airplane contest. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Love, loss, heartbreak, sadness, despair, the summer of 2013 has been a death march started on the happy shores of Memorial Day, and only precious few will make it to the deep-jungle internment camp just past Labor Day. The oppressive early-August humidity coupled with emotional burnout caused by high staff turnover, little time off, and policy changes leaves staffers with thousand-yard stares. Yancy is killing time counting watercooler bubbles, and Fran just keeps Xeroxing the same blank sheet of paper over and over again. Everyone just wants the summer to be over with, most of all, you. As you thumb through party pics from the previous spring on your iPhone, you find yourself compelled to walk out the door. As you exit the building you rip off your tie and slacks, as the cool, moist air rushes over your naked body. Freeeeeeeedom! You’ll never work a white-collar job again.

Season 6

A Few Major Plot Points: Jim and Pam have a baby, while other relationships bud or falter, keeping the dying show on life support. At Christmas it’s announced that Dunder Mifflin will be bought out by Sabre Corporation, a printer company. Many executives are let go and other branches closed, but the Scranton office prevails yet again. Which Makes the Audience Think: “This monotony is inescapable. It goes on and on and on, the same thing over and over again until we die.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: Turns out a larger company is buying the shitty company you work for, so hey, maybe you’ll have more connections coming out of this thing than a letter of recommendation from Randy, the guy who feeds and waters his jar of pennies in the back. Yes, it could also mean the branch you work for might close, but that’s fine because you’ve been wanting to get out of here and away from all the weird inter-office fucking that goes on. But just when you start to see the light, a sickening change in upper management sets you right back in line. Coming in every day, watching the same dead-eyed people have meaningless bouts of awkward conversation, and incessantly churning out whatever product you produce for the insatiable capitalist machine.

Season 8

A Few Major Plot Points: Robert California helms Dunder Mifflin/Sabre, Andy takes over as Regional Manager, mad people be pregnant, and Andy quits. Which Makes the Audience Think: “The new sheriff in town will force these people back in line, unless he’s as insane as the rest of them.” It’s Like, Real Life, Man: You’re hoping this new manager will come in, lay down the law, and make these last few weeks turn to the normalcy you expected when you signed up for this gig. No dice. Instead, he’s even zanier than the last guy. He puts Mark “I threw a mini fridge down the elevator shaft when I wasn’t granted the vacation days I wanted” Miller in charge of your department; sure it’s quieter, but you could cut the tension with a knife. Every day a very pregnant Katelyn quietly cries a few cubicles over. You wish you could join her in sobbing, but that would mean the stale fluorescent bulbs hadn’t sapped you of every last emotion you’ve ever had. A lecture hall never sounded more promising.

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find the differences

there are 10 differences in this sweet job fair seminar. can you find them all?

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

ATTENTION: My Father is in Town for Mom’s Weekend; Your Mothers are Not Safe Benny Boy wrote this Since he came to visit on Dads Weekend my freshman year three years ago, my father has been terrorizing my college experience. My father, who now goes by “The Beast,” will never leave me alone until I learn to be a man like him, which he has made clear entails slinging yayo, a practice he now calls “The family business.” On Dads Weekend this past year, The Beast asked me to gather 1 kilo of cocaine, 50 bottles of Gem Clear, 50 rags, 50 lighters, 5 gallons of kerosene, 300 cans of green paint, 70 liters of human blood, and 700 bowling balls, and I still don’t know why. Scared, I ran away and haven’t contacted him since.

Last year on Moms Weekend The Beast told me, to my face, that his foremost objective was to give me as many stepbrothers as time would allow. “Yes,” The Beast then said to me, “they will all be sons.” At first I did not take his words seriously, but that was because I had yet to learn of the lovemaking prowess that is granted upon a man who has been locked in a marriage for 25 years and has only recently realized the full power of parachuting pure MDMA. Needless to say, Jimmy, Bill, Steve, Brett, Kyle, Scott, Tanner, Robert, Anthony, Ryan, Brian, Pete, Chris, Tim, Matt, Freddy, and Dan were all born nine months later.

A week after Dads Weekend, The Beast rigged up a speaker system to his Harley and announced to the city that he “only needed 5 more liters of blood.” Of course, nobody knew what he was talking about, and thought that a middle-aged shirtless man shouting, “I only need 5 more liters of blood,” on a Harley Davidson was some sort of live theater art piece. However, I got the message loud and clear: that 5 liters was supposed to come from me. I was being hunted by The Beast.

I realize that Moms Weekend is often seen as a time in which moms from all over the suburbs come down to our rural Champaign paradise to get loose with some frat boys, but you all need to understand that not everybody dry humping at The Red Lion is to be trusted. The problem is that most of these undesirables, such is the case with The Beast, are silver-tongued devils. For instance, The Beast once convinced a police officer to let him go after being caught with 2 pounds of psilocybin mushrooms. They even let him keep the mushrooms. Don’t ask me how he did it; he just did. Because of this, it is important that you pay close attention to the ways that people are presenting themselves physically.

While I’m currently writing this while safe underground, stealing electricity from the city of Champaign in a sewer main under Green Street, I am concerned about the influx of moms who will be coming in for Moms Weekend this year. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say this again: Your moms are not safe. The Beast is pure evil, and Moms Weekend is one of his favorite times to go out on the prowl.

For instance, the first thing you will notice about The Beast is his generally unkempt appearance. Since he moved to Champaign, The Beast has gone through a “renaissance” as he calls it, and now refuses to shower or cut his hair. He is often seen

wearing blue jeans and a wife-beater, with his tattoo “The Beats” featured prominently on his arm (“The Beats” is the name of his newly formed Electronic Dance Music group). He is overweight, and often carries around a 12-gauge shotgun with him, for which he has no permit. If none of these descriptions apply, just be sure that anybody you’re talking to doesn’t smell like opium. That is usually a dead giveaway. I apologize that this updated has to be so brief, as The Beast and his coked-out biker friends are currently searching for me throughout the Champaign sewer system, and I worry that they can hear my pencil movements. I will have more updates about The Beast as they develop. Until then, stay strong Champaign, and watch out for men toting shotguns this Moms Weekend. Nothing good will come of it.

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Got Engaged At: - WNBA Game - DIxie Chicks concert - ASPCA convention - Google Meetup

Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Ke$ha - Miley Cyrus - Lindsay Lohan - Paris Hilton

Honeymoon Adventure: - Jet skiing in glitter unitards - Cleaning your aunt’s house - Visiting a Westboro protest - Trick-or-treating in June

Best Man: - Tom Haverford - Tommy Lee Jones - Tom Petty - Thom Yorke

First Dance: - “Pony” by Ginuwine - “Get Ur Freak On” by Missy Elliot - “Waterfalls” by TLC - “Gimme Some More” by Busta Rhymes

Matching Body Modification: - Horns in forehead - Ears gauged in a heart shape - Corset up the neck - Bill Clinton tattoo on the chest

Maid of Honor: - Lisa Simpson - Lisa Loeb - Lisa Kudrow - Lisa Lampanelli

Wedding souvenir: - Defective condoms - $10 McDonald’s gift card - Homemade Peep-infused vodka - Soluja Boy “Crank That” CD Single

Highlight of Married Life: - Properly breeding poodles - Threesome with Katie Couric - Flying first class to Houston - Growing lettuce successfully

How to play

Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.


A P P LY T O D AY @ T O W E R 3 R D.C O M • 2 1 7. 3 6 7. 0 7 2 0 • 3 0 2 E . J O H N S T R E E T, S U I T E 1 0 0

Illinois - Issue 12 - 4/11/2013  

Illinois - Issue 12 - 4/11/2013