Illinois - Issue 10 - 10/22/2014

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Issue 10

Overly-Enthusiastic Alumni Relives Glory Days on Homecoming Weekend Katie Got Bandz wrote this October 24 marked the beginning of Homecoming Weekend at the University of Illinois. Regarded as the perfect chance for alumni to make the trek back to good ole’ Chambana for a weekend of reminiscing and catching up with old college friends, it can also be a great weekend for those who peaked in college to relive their glory days. Class of 1972 College of Engineering alum Terry McVickerson did just that when he made his annual pilgrimage back to the homeland for a chance to commemorate the days before his life went completely downhill.

“When I come back for Homecoming, I get into some crazy shit,” stated McVickerson in an exclusive interview with The Black Sheep.

“Each year, my old frat buddies and I pull some hilarious stunts.

“Let’s just say that we were a major reason why Alma Mater had to be restored… if you catch my drift,” he stated, winking his eye suggestively with a thumbs up. Surprisingly, no one at The Black Sheep caught his drift.

But McVickerson’s antics didn’t stop with Alma and many key eyewitnesses reported him touring campus, stopping at every location that had a significant impact on his college experience at UIUC. “I saw that guy at Grainger on the Friday of Homecoming weekend. I was just leaving the library and I saw that old freak literally whip his dick out and start rubbing his ballsack all over Grainger Bob’s face,” an

anonymous source confirmed, who went blind after the incident by gauging his eyes out with a mechanical pencil. “They even sent out an Illini Alert about it, which did absolutely nothing because I heard he did the same thing to a homeless guy asleep on Green Street.”

According to McVickerson, “the ol’ Teabaggin’ Illini” has been one of his staple Homecoming pranks.

Later Friday night, McVickerson was spotted on Daniel Street, outside of the notorious C.O. Daniel’s; apparently outraged it still hadn’t re-opened.

“YOU’VE GOTTA’ BE KIDDING ME,” McVickerson cried in a drunken rage. “FIRST THE CHIEF, NOW THE ONLY COLLEGE BAR I EVER BROUGHT A GIRL HOME FROM. ALL YOU DAMN LIBERALS ARE MESSING UP EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOOD IN THIS WORLD.” It was reported after his meltdown, McVickerson made his way to Kam’s where his drunken endeavors continued.

Many students reported McVicerkson approached them, whispering in hushed tones about where he could find someone to buy drugs from, so he could “take the pot and be transported back to his youth.”

After an eventful Friday night, McVickerson reportedly continued to attempt to relive his prime on Saturday morning at Homecoming Block at Red Lion.

“This old dude rolled up at Block wearing cargo shorts, calf-high socks, and mandals.

He also came wearing a full Native American headdress, and started chanting random words. It was actually pretty racist,” stated a student who was at Red Lion. “At one point, he got so drunk that he actually started

crying hysterically about how much he fucked his life up, and that being a mediocre college student was his peak.”

“I hate my job, my wife left me, my kids don’t talk to me, and I’m $200,000 in debt,” sobbed McVickerson into a Keystone Light in the corner of Lion. Other students reported that

after a significant amount of self-pity that one could only describe as “utterly pathetic,” McVickerson finally got up to head over to Memorial Stadium for the game where he became even more upset at the score.

“Christ, even the Illinois football team makes my life a fucking joke.”

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PAGES 20-21

PROFESSOR RESORTS TO TEACHING LECTURE VIA YIK YAK

10 BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WATCH THE ILLINI LOSE ON HOMECOMING

MOVIES MONSTERS: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

TRYING TO CONNECT WITH THE KIDS HAS NEVER BEEN WEIRDER.

THIS WOULD BE THE WEEKEND TO TRY CRACK JUST ONCE.

WE OFFER SOME CLOSURE TO THOSE THAT’VE SUFFERED FROM THESE SCARY MONSTERS.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC OCTOBER 22nd, 2014 - OCTOBER 29th 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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JUST A FEW MORE WAYS

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BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX PHRASE OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

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WORD

of the

WEEK

TRANSPOORTATION Any method of getting from point A to point B that requires the participant to do more than walk to his or her car.

Recoiling in horror when his car didn’t start, Monty realized he’d have to take some sort of transpoortation to get to class.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER

to the

EDITOR

Dear Tex Mex, I’m beyond stoked to celebrate the homecoming experience!

I know we don’t have the best football team in the… well, almost all of the Big Ten, but I’m still excited to have a semi-legitimate excuse to drink all weekend long before the socially accepted nighttime hours. Any tips from the vets over at The Black Sheep?

caring about what you’re tailgating for. If this is a difficult concept to take on, try rationalizing your excessive day drinking by dedicating the occasion to something other than our abysmal team. Something like… oh, I don’t know… breathing?

From, A Down-to-Earth Student

Because why the hell not? Breathing has done you a load of good over the past all of your life, so why not commemorate the concept of taking in oxygen by drowning your esophagus with beer at 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning? It might be a little hard on your lungs when you’re panting out-of-breath on your way to the next happy hour at Red Lion, but at least you’ll know that America’s favorite element next to nitrogen won’t let you down and leave you feeling empty at Memorial Stadium on a Saturday afternoon.

Dear Breath of Fresh Air, Hey, man. Thanks for being the first person to send us some advice mail without being a complete and total chump. Although this will be my fourth year not attending our own school’s own Homecoming game, this is, on the contrary, my fourth year drinking while our own Homecoming game is going on. The key to making the most out of your Homecoming weekend without the absolute bummer of attending the game is to engage in all of the staple tailgating festivities… without actually

YEAH, BREATHING!

I-L-L and all that good stuff, Tex Mex

PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

SIGN OF THE TIMES

The Gonz wrote this The growing popularity of the social media app Yik Yak is creating a stir on campus.

Students will do anything to increase their Yakarma, the points earned through upvotes. But just like a senile grandpa at the dinner table, the squirrel jokes and overtly racist Yaks are causing a problem in lectures as professors are now fighting for the attention of their students . Much to their dismay, not even an increase in iClicker questions is helping.

“With iClicker questions, someone will post a Yak asking for the answer,” said sophomore Janice Olson. “The reply with highest Yakarma is usually the right answer.” The students are so wellpracticed using the system that a 30-second iClicker question can be posted on Yik Yak and the correct answer upvoted within 20 seconds – or even as quickly as 15 if users are able to sift through the “my dick lol” spam posts.

How are professors aiming to combat the new phenomenon?

“I try to keep class interesting by talking about things students are interested in, like weed and alcohol, but Yik Yak is too powerful,” said Professor Vasquez, who teaches ECON 102. During large lectures, students are constantly Yaking about what’s happening in class, quotes from the professor talking about pot brownies, that one girl wearing see-through leggings, a guy answering every question like he has a Ph.D, and those who aren’t able to ‘even.’ You don’t even have to go to class to learn what’s going on, you just have to check the top Yaks. “I haven’t felt this obsolete in my life since I was a grad student,” lamented Prof. Vasquez.

The popularity of Yik Yak gave one professor the idea to change the format of her lectures.

Mary Friedrich, who teaches HORT 199, told her class that

Tuesday’s lecture would be instructed entirely over Yik Yak. “I downloaded the app a couple days ago to see what the big deal is,” said Professor Friedrich. “Now I have 4,000 Yakarma and have subsequently lost all control over my life at the expense of seeing that beautiful upward arrow highlighted.”

Friedrich says she got the idea from seeing so many Yaks about her own lecture. “I figured, if this is what students are going to look at, I might as well hop on the bandwagon.”

Tuesday, October 21, was the first trial of giving a lecture through the app. “I’m limited to 140 characters, so each one is to the point. Horticulture is pretty simple... just plants and stuff,” said Friedrich. A slew of Yaks were posted all in a row by Friedrich, explaining the principles of plantiness. However, this sparked a war between morally conflicted

upvoters and downvoters. Some students in her class tried to upvote because lectures on Yik Yak meant not having to go to class. Other students, who didn’t know what was going on, thought one guy was spamming the app with irritating plant facts. Dozens of reposts appeared all itching to

hop on the Yakarma train. One user even went so far as to post false plant facts to confuse the students of HORT 199. “That’s when I decided this couldn’t be done,” said Friedrich. “Sorting through the incorrect plant facts and ‘BOREophyll’ posts would take too much effort.”

In the end, the Yik Yak lecture was an interesting experiment but failed painfully. “Some of the replies were somehow racist against plants,” said Friedrich.

“Definitely a new low for the university. I don’t even want to mention what was said about the Clitoria Ternatea flower.”

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Professor Resorts to Teaching Lectures via Yik Yak

PAGE 6 • T HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

REPORT:

CRITERIA FOR MR. AND MS. U OF I PAGEANT IS BEYOND INTENSE Winnie Bago wrote this Miss America has nothing on the Mr. and Ms. U of I Pageant. The criteria for the U of I Homecoming event is far more rigorous, all the more prestigious, and has a far better color scheme of orange and blue.

In light of this year’s competition, The Black Sheep examined the criteria for the pageant and what it takes to be crowned with the edible tiara, made entirely of a Papa Del’s pizza.

Background information: Before you can even enter the competition, you must have met the qualifications laid out in a 72-page manual for the pageant. Some of it’s obvious: You must be an Illinois student, take a full-time student credit load, and have at least three orange Illini spirit wear pieces in your closet. Other parts are a bit less commonplace.

You also must be pretty involved in campus traditions: You must have chugged a beer faster than a bartender at the Illini Inn. You must have had at least one resentful thought about the skyscrapers and/or fast food chains on Green Street. You must have fallen on the Quad at least once during a changing period.

Future information: In addition to showing loyalty to the university while being a student, you must also pledge to being loyal to the university for the rest of your life.

You must have talked with the university’s Wedding Planner Division to book your future wedding to be held on the steps of Foellinger Auditorium. Don’t forget about your future kids either. You must

have a receipt to prove that you bought a child’s Illini cheerleader costume for your firstborn’s first Halloween.

No matter your year at the university, you must pledge to never study abroad because no foreign land could ever compare to living in the middle of cornfields trapped by highways that make people want to drive off the roads and into the ditch, just for a change of scenery.

The competition: If you make it past all the preliminary criteria, you can compete in the actual competition at the Illini Union. There are the typical pageant performances: a question and answer section, a talent portion and a swimsuit competition.

Like Miss America, the question and answer section covers global issues, as

well as local campus issues. The trick is not whether you can bullshit your way through an answer as much as if you actually know what the hell is going on.

An example question would be:

Ms. U of I Pageant winners of yesteryear involves ingesting Fat Sandwich’s Big Fat Ugly without your heart stopping, but this one is best reserved for those who really want to win this thing.

“Salaita created quite a stir on campus this semester and everyone seems to have a side. But do you even know what freedom of speech is or are you just going to refer to your Second Amendment when you don’t know what you’re talking about?”

The third and final section is the swimsuit competition. There are only two criteria for this part: First, you must have a sixpack like the chicks in the Joe’s Swimsuit Competition. Second, you must have lost some self-esteem in the ARC at least once.

The talent portion allows for a lot of creativity. You could demonstrate that you can effectively promote your RSO with chalk on campus sidewalks. You could perform the best ways to sneak a smoke on campus property. A feat that has only been accomplished by a few Mr. and

The Mr. and Ms. U of I Pageant is only for the elite Illini. And if you somehow met all of these criteria, then get your acceptance speech ready with an open tab at Brothers after you win. Word is that’s how all of those sexy looking benefactors got their portraits plastered on the walls in the Union.

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Self-Conscious Professor Worried His Students Jupiter Stevens wrote this are Looking at Him URBANA – Students are reporting that Professor Jeffrey Jenkins is absolutely freaking out about his students looking at him during lectures.

Pacing back and forth, and muttering the lessons to himself, students said Professor Jenkins kept peeking up at them every minute or so to check if they were still watching him.

“Alright, seriously, what is going on?” Professor Jenkins finally snapped. “You guys are never here and when you are, you never look up from your stupid little phones, so someone tell

Clearly Most Sane Person in Bike Lane CHAMPAIGN – Running in and out of the bike lane on Wright St. this Tuesday afternoon, freshman Johnathan Smyth was heard yelling “HIT ME. JUST HIT ME ALREADY,” as bikers sped by angrily.

“Oddly enough, I think that’s the most calm thing I’ve ever seen anyone do in the bike lane during school hours,” one student told reporters. “This one time last year, I saw a guy tackle a girl off a bike and bite her ear off for not yielding to pedestrians.”

Professor Jenkins, who teaches Sociology 100, reportedly leaned in to a student in the front row and asked, “Is there something on my face?”

“Are you sure?” Professor Jenkins asked to confirm, expressing concerns that everyone in the class was “staring at him for some reason.”

Kid Screaming “HIT ME”

Students observing the situation said Smyth had tried to cross the bike lane three-to-four times, being nearly ran over by bicyclists each time.

“He kept getting more and more red every time and he was beginning to grunt and cuss to himself every time someone on a bike flew by him,” another student witness said. “Finally he snapped and jumped into the busiest side of the bike lane and just held his arms out yelling, ‘COME ON, JUST F#%ING TRY ME. I DARE YOU.’”

me what’s going on.”

thing was in his hair.

Students in the classroom at the time said Professor Jenkins continued to get more and more paranoid as the lecture went on. “What in the hell are you looking at?” Professor Jenkins barked at a student sitting idly in the back before throwing his pen at him, hitting him in the face. “That’s what I thought.”

“He kept tapping me on the shoulder, leaning in and whispering, ‘Did someone stick something on my back?’” one student told The Black Sheep.

“He’s a fucking lunatic.”

Professor Jenkins continuously left the classroom to go to the bathroom to check if some-

Jenkins has since quit his job, according to university officials, who said the professor is now “residing in a suburban house in Urbana, where no one will ever bother him again.”

University research statistics show that 96% of campus bikers are clinically insane, while studies show 98% of pedestrians are also medically out of their mind.

“When human beings get placed in such a high-pressure situation where nobody knows who’s right and who’s wrong, they go nuts,” university professor Michael Jacobson said, calmly ducking out of the way of garbage being thrown at him from a biker passing by.

“GET OUT OF THE F#%KING BIKE LANE, YOU F#%KING IDIOT,” the student on the bike turned and yelled before crashing into a now barechested Smyth.

“HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?” Smyth yelled, standing over the injured bicyclist. “I HOPE YOU F#%KING NEVER GET UP.”

Jupiter Stevens wrote this

Student spotlight

UIUC Senior STILL Hasn’t Seen Pulp Fiction Squirrel Man wrote this

Jim Harghis is a seemingly normal college student. He’s a senior at U of I, and at first glance, there’s nothing immediately odd about him. He appears to have been properly socialized, with a close group of ordinary friends. But those friends recently learned something extremely unsettling about Jim. This revelation came about late last Friday when he and his friends went to McDonald’s for dinner.

One of Harghis’s buddies ordered a Quarter Pounder with Cheese at which time, another friend quipped that it’s called a “Royale with Cheese” in Paris, because people in Paris don’t know what the fuck a quarter pounder is due to the metric system. The group chuckled together, except for Jim, who asked why that was funny. It was at that moment when Jim’s friends learned that he’s in his last year of college and he still hasn’t seen Pulp Fiction.

“I could tell there was something a little ‘off’ about Jim,” stated Paul Chipperson, who has been Jim’s friend since they were roommates freshman year. “I had no idea he was a Pulp Fiction virgin. I just assumed that everybody who didn’t lose their Pulp Fiction virginity in high school would lose

it sometime in college, unless they were a total pleb.”

What’s especially surprising to know is that Jim intends to get a degree in Media and Cinema Studies in order to become a director. One would expect a MACS student like Jim to have watched Pulp Fiction at least a halfdozen times by now. After all, the movie is one of the most criticallyacclaimed films in cinematic history, and most consider it to be essential to the college bingewatching experience. But it’s somehow eluded this aspiring filmmaker. “It’s weird, I’d never even heard of Quentin Tarantino before,” Jim admitted.

Word of Jim’s not-having-seen-Pulp Fiction-ness spread fast: It’s already been brought to the attention of those within the Department of Media and Cinema Studies. MACS professors and students alike are most disappointed with Jim, to say the least. In fact, just yesterday, the MACS department voted to drop Jim from the program.

“They said I wouldn’t be able to graduate next spring unless I watch Pulp Fiction as soon as possible,” explained Jim. “I was outraged and confused. I asked, ‘What? What? What?’ They told

me, ‘Say what again. Say what again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more goddamn time!’”

Jim has since been shunned not just by the MACS department, but also by the general UIUC populace.

He knows now that he simply has to watch Pulp Fiction sometime before next spring: to Jim, Pulp Fiction truly is a must-see movie.

Unfortunately, he hasn’t had the time in his schedule to see it, since it’s “kind of a long movie.”

Plus, now that he’s an outcast, Jim hasn’t been able to find anybody to watch it with, and Pulp Fiction is one of those movies you have to watch with other people your first time.

“I really shouldn’t have let other people find out I’ve never seen Pulp Fiction,” said Jim. “My classmates don’t respect me anymore, and I’ve been getting looks from people on the street.

My one friend even told me that he’s more disgusted at me than ‘the gimp’ scene… I have no idea what that even means! I guess nobody wants to be associated with a pathetic Pulp Fiction virgin.”

He added, “At least they don’t know I haven’t seen Animal House either.”

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THE TOP TEN BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WATCH THE ILLINI LOSE ON HOMECOMING For most Big Ten schools, Homecoming is a time to revel in school spirit. Unfortunately, we go to U of I so that’s not quite going to happen. We don’t even have a mascot, yet we’re expected to have school spirit? Mull that one over, Chancellor Wise. But to cut to the chase, we’re going to lose on Saturday. It’s that simple. So to avoid the useless pain you’ll experience, here’s our top ten things that will be more enjoyable than watching the Orange and Blue take another pounding.

10.) Drag Race a Football Player’s Moped: While paying for our football players’ educations and clothes with our tuition may be a questionable expense, there’s nothing questionable about tearing up the road in a scooter that your tuition funded in a roundabout way.

ALLEN HALL STUDENT

HAD EBOLA WEEKS AGO Cindy Owens wrote this Ebola is spreading like wildfire through Allen Hall with over 200 cases being reported last week. One-in-three residents have been infected with the deadly virus and the Center for Disease Control (CDC) expects the number to continue rising.

The first reported case was a sophomore, Derrick Hill, who recently came back to Allen from his “oh-so-totally life-changing trip” to Nigeria during a mission expedition a few weeks ago. “I didn’t bother bringing back any materialistic souvenirs,” Derrick said, fixing the longer part of his hair in between the horrifically explosive diarrhea sessions the virus is known to cause. “I wanted to bring back something that would last a life time.” Derrick spent most of his hours in Nigeria around Ebola patients and wouldn’t leave until he was infected so he could bring the “next quirkiest thing” to Allen Hall.

When Derrick was in his early stages of the disease, Allen Hall residents became obsessed with trying to get this next hot thing. “I initially just wanted a fever,” freshman Sam Peters said.

“But Ebola? That’s even cooler!”

When the CDC came to quarantine the residence hall, they were appalled by the lack of prevention of the disease. A representative from the CDC said residents were running around the building trying to get their hands on any of Derrick’s bodily fluids. The CDC had to call in backups when they discovered a small business Derrick was running wherein, for a small fee, he would go to a resident’s room and shit on his or her bed so he or she could be infected with the virus.

“These kids are insane,” the representative said.

“It’s as if they’d do anything just for the sake of being different. It’s like they don’t understand that this is a real, deadly disease.”

Peters was caught on multiple occasions screaming, “Derrick! Come pee on my face! I’m begging you! I NEED Ebola!” Other students have even gone so far as to dig through Derrick’s garbage in hopes of finding used straws, BandAids, or anything else the patient could’ve seriously contaminated upon use.

“I’ve been chewing on a piece of gum that Derrick threw out for a couple of days now,” commented a viciously masticating floormate. “I don’t feel any different, but the stale gum makes me gag a little bit from time to time. I guess that’s kind of close.”

After getting his business shut down, Derrick doesn’t seem as enthusiastic about Ebola as he once was. “Having Ebola just isn’t what it used to be,” Derrick coughed. “I had Ebola WEEKS ago and now all these other people around the world are getting it, and some are even being hospitalized for it. Like, whoa guys, you’re taking this whole thing too far.” Derrick continued on to say how he’s annoyed with all the “posers” around the world and is searching desperately for a cure to Ebola so he’s no longer in the same category as them.

Even though Derrick is infected with a deadly, incurable disease, he still has high hopes and big plans for the future. “I think I’m gonna try to bring cholera to Allen Hall next,” Derrick said. “Or maybe I’ll bring another incurable disease like polio. We need something big to really put Allen Hall on the map. I don’t want Allen to be known for weed smoking anymore. It’s so much more than that now.”

9.) Become a Vegan: Why not complicate your life some more and make everyone have to cook you special food when you come for dinner? If that sounds right up your alley, become a vegan. It’ll be less frustrating to tell everyone than saying you were at the game on Saturday.

8.) Ask for Advice from a Schizophrenic: You’d have to be insane to try and enjoy yourself watching an Illinois football game, so why not take advice from someone with a mental disorder? Hearing their advice from the little voice in their head can only end well, which is more than we can say about our season.

7.) Buy One-Ply Toilet Paper: Wasting your time watching Illinois lose is idiotic; however, after doing research on HomeDepot.com, we’ve found something less idiotic, which is buying one-ply toilet paper. It costs $3.50 less than two-ply, yet two-ply’s still for sale and people buy it. Just think about how dumb that is.

6.) Go to a School-Sponsored Homecoming Event: With exciting events such as the Mathematics Homecoming Party and the Illini Union’s “Bowling Through the Decades” (always a hit), the university knows exactly what its students are craving. Only bring pocket change since the costs are always “low student rates for all,” and buckle yourself in for a wild ride.

5.) Try Crack (Just Once): They say that everything’s good in moderation, and according to our sources, crack falls under that umbrella. So hit up the resident homeless people on Green Street (Uncle Ruckus has the hookup) and prepare to get a glimpse of what it feels like to actually win, if only for a couple hours.

4.) Watch A Rerun of The View: Similar to the certainty Beckman’s defeat is the certainty that whatever comes out of The View will be completely asinine. While it may be painful to listen to Rosie O’Donnell talk about how Bush planned 9/11 and that aliens will surely build another pyramid soon, it’ll be better than watching 50 missed tackles on every play.

3.) Eat Raw Fish at a Questionable Asian Restaurant: There’s no mystery as to the result of Saturday’s game, but the mystery after eating sushi at a questionable Asian restaurant is unparalleled. Will you get food poisoning? Will you not? It’s the Russian Roulette of eateries, and with campus’ plethora of Asian restaurants, you’re in the Mecca of gastrointestinal issues.

2.) Play Golf with Richard Sherman: Unlike the empty student section this weekend, you won’t be able to get this asshole to stop making noise. But putting up with endless trash talking during the game of gentlemen will be better than hearing the silence of Memorial Stadium. “I AM THE BEST PUTTER IN THE GAME, BITCH.” 1.) Go to the University of Minnesota: We may be in the middle of a cornfield in a state that is flatter than a pancake, but at least we don’t attend school at the University of Minnesota. But this Saturday, when they’re cheering on their maroon and gold heroes in their Eskimo huts with icicles coming out their noses, they’ll still have it better than us.

Banana Boy wrote this

09

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THE BAR GRID Friday, 10/24 SATISFACTION : Tribute to the Rolling Stones (Early Show!)

HOMECOMING 2014 DJ DANCE PARTY (Late show!)

Throwback Thursday Theme: Powder Puff Girls $1 FIREBALL $2 UV VODKA

Saturday: PRINCE NIGHT! The Ultimate Prince Tribute

STONEY LARUE with THE SAMPSON JONES GANG and HI HO BUFFALO

No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey

Salsa & Tango!

Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Thursday 10/23

$1 Wells, $2 PBR Tall Boys $2 Fireball, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers

Liberty In North Korea presents LiNK Out Loud Benefit (Early show!)

HOMECOMING BAR CRAWL (Late Night!)

Throwback Thursday Theme: Powder Puff Girls $1 FIREBALL $2 UV VODKA

Closed for Private Party

Friday 10/24

$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Calls, $3 Three Olives, $3 Long Islands, $4 Vegas Bombs, $7 Domestic Pitchers

SATISFACTION : Tribute to the Rolling Stones (Early Show!)

HOMECOMING 2014 DJ DANCE PARTY (Late show!)

Homecoming Friday - Open at 5pm Free Grilled Cheese starting at 6pm with the purchase of any drink!

Delta Kings, Live! $5, 9pm Late Night: Ideal DJ Kow

HOMECOMING HAPPY HOUR with SIXTH STREET BRASS BAND, CHEEF and more! (Early Show!)

HOMECOMING 2014 DJ DANCE PARTY (Late show!)

HOMECOMING - Open at Noon

Saturday 10/25

$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands, $4 Patron Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

SPECIAL NIGHT Wednesday 10/22

EVERYDAY SPECIALS $1 Mini Cherry Bombs $1 Mini O-Bombs $2 Mini Jager Bombs Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life

$2 Flavored LITs - NEW FLAVORS Peach, Banana, Raspberry, Apple, Melon, Blue Grape, Strawberry, THE CHIEF

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho

Halloween Week Starts Tonight!

Book Your Next Party at Cowboy Money!

MINNESOTA “Mind Machine Tour” with special guests G JONES, JACKAL and FILIBUSTA

Walking Dead Wine Night!

All Zombie Barstaff! $8 Bottles of Wine, $2 Wells $2 Beam Fire

Open Mic Night - Free!

Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm

Closed

No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey

Salsa & Tango!

Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Closed

Closed

Monday 10/27

$2 Double Well Drinks $2 Bud Light/Budweiser Drafts, $5 Bud Light/ Budweiser Pitchers

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! feat. FINER FEELINGS! $2 Slices of Manolos and $1 Drinks

Tuesday 10/28

$2 Wells $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* $2 Shot of the Week

Wednesday 10/29

$2 Flavored LITs - NEW FLAVORS Peach, Banana, Raspberry, Apple, Melon, Blue Grape, Strawberry, THE CHIEF

PRINCE NIGHT! The Ultimate Prince Tribute

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne Call 217-722-9000 or email CochraneParty@gmail.com

Sunday 10/26

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life

Free Grilled Cheese starting at 2pm with the purchase of any beverage!

Specials on Bud & Captain!

NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM THE BAR GRID SATURDAY! HOMECOMING! Open at 8am FREE SHUTTLE BUS Blackhawks vs Blues 7pm Watch it ONLY HERE!

NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s

SUNDAY: Carnage the Executioner w/ Illogic!

Doors: 8:30PM

10/31: Joe’s Halloween Bash!

Costume Contest Sign Ups at 9:30

Contest on Stage with Live DJ & Judges

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night: You Keep the 25oz Mug! Karaoke at 10pm!

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Freshmen Night No Cover Under 25

Wednesday 10/22

HAWKS vs PREDATORS 7pm Broncos vs Chargers 7pm $1 Taco’s 4-10pm, $1 WELLS NO COVER! $2 Bud Drafts

$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians

Book a Party or Special Event!

Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Redd, White and Boom! $2 Redd’s, $2 Jaeger Bombs and $2 Blue Moons

Thursday 10/23

HOMECOMING FRIDAY $6 Bud Light 40’s $3 Jim Beam Whiskey $3 Bacardi Drinks & Bombs

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5

Plan Your Next Birthday Party or Fundraiser at Joe’s

Friday 10/24

HOMECOMING! Open at 8am FREE SHUTTLE BUS Blackhawks vs Blues 7pm Watch it ONLY HERE!

Catch the All the Action at Guido’s!

Power-N-Soul Presents: De Noche, Salsa Dancing, Drink Specials! 9pm

Contact us at joesbrewery@gmail.com

Saturday 10/25

OPEN AT 11AM! Bears vs Patriots Noon - WIN A JERSEY! Blackhawks vs Sabres 6pm BLACKED OUT GAME! Watch it Only Here!

NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s

Carnage the Executioner w/ Illogic!

Doors: 8:30PM

Bears, Beers and $4 Spazzles

Sunday 10/26

Monday Night Football Cowboys vs Washington 7pm $1 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE APPS 4-10pm

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

Book a Party or Special Event!

Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

MNJ

Monday 10/27

TIME WARP TUESDAY! Halloween Week Starts Tonight!

All Retro Barstaff!

Blackhawks vs Ducks 7:30pm Half Price Sharkbowls!

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event!

Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance

Tuesday 10/28

BULLS OPENING NIGHT! Bulls vs Knicks 7pm WIN BULLS TICKETS! Scary Karaoke at 10pm! $1 SHOTS!

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Sophomore Night: No Cover Under 24

Wednesday 10/29

$500 Cash for Best Individual $500 Cash for Best Group

The only shirt you need for football season

Only

$12 with a FREE Koozie!

THE BAR GRID DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Wednesday 10/22

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

Thursday 10/23

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

order by monday blacksheepswag.com

KAM'S TUES: Zach Hacker Band, Live!

$1.50 Whiskey Drinks and Coors Btls, $7.50 5 Bottle Buckets, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks/Shots, $2 Beam Fire Shots, $2 Beam Fire & Ginger, Drink In Your Mason Jars!

Karaoke Frattle! $500 to Guy/Girl Winner Party w/ Bud Girls & DJ Delicato

$2 Platinum, $2 Bud/Bud Lt. 16oz Cans $3 Blue Guys, $3 Cuervo/3 Olives Drinks $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers, $2 Paddy’s

Senior Night! No Cover 21+

$10 Bud Buckets (Pick 5), $6 pitchers $3 Appleseed Cider & UV Drinks $2 Fireball, $1.50 Rolling Rock Bottles $6 Bacardi Fishbowl KamsIslands

Homecoming w/ DJ Delicato!

Win a Coors Lt. Refresherator

Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

No Cover!

ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Thirsty Thursday!

No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers

$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot

BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Friday 10/24

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Saturday 10/25

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Homecoming! IL vs. Minn 11AM, Open 7AM Pre-Game w/ Coors Lt. Girls 7-11AM Meet the REAL CAPTAIN at 4PM $4 Cannon Balls, Bloody Mary Bar Free Shuttle to the Game Homecoming Pints, Shirts and 1/4 Zips!

Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Sunday 10/26

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Closed

Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS

$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers

Monday 10/27

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Night Football!

Open at 7:30PM $2 U Call Its

Beer Lover’s Night!

Every single beer is on sale

Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30

Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR

Tuesday 10/28

1/2 Price Tuesdays!

1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

No Cover!

ALL Drafts on sale

Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers

No Cover!

ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Wednesday 10/29

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

$4 Blue Guys, $2 16oz Coors Lt. Cans $2.50 Coors Lt./Lite Drafts Homecoming Pints, Shirts and 1/4 Zips!

Zach Hacker Band, Live!

$1.50 Whiskey Drinks and Coors Btls, $7.50 5 Bottle Buckets, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks/Shots, $2 Beam Fire Shots, $2 Beam Fire & Ginger, Drink In Your Mason Jars!

Karaoke Frattle Finale!! $500 to Guy/Girl Winner Party w/ Bud Girls & DJ Delicato

$2 Platinum, $2 Bud/Bud Lt. 16oz Cans $3 Blue Guys, $3 Cuervo/3 Olives Drinks $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers, $2 Paddy’s

THE BAR GRID

Win Hawks Tickets Every Tuesday in October!

SATURDAY! $3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup

WEDNESDAYS! WPGU & Jim Beam presents... Frattle of the Bands Starts at 11pm $2 Jim Beam Fire $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets

Late Night Meal Everyday After 12!

3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

MONDAY $1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM

SPECIAL NIGHT

Logo Glass Day! Party with the Fireball Girls!

$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)

WPGU & Jim Beam presents...

Frattle of the Bands Starts at 11pm $2 Jim Beam Fire $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

Wednesday 10/22

$8 Pitchers of Killians, Leinenkugels and Shocktop

10 for $10 Coors Light 7oz Bottles $4.25 Martinis

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka, $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey, $5 Huge Shackers You Keep the Cup!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM

Thursday 10/23

Welcome Back Alumni!

$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 16oz Cans

Homecoming - Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles DJ GOOD SEX from Spring Awakening!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

Welcome Alumni!

Friday 10/24

HOMECOMING 2014 Welcome Back!

Open to the public at Noon

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

Welcome Alumni!

Open for Brunch at 9AM

Saturday 10/25

Welcome Back Alumni!

$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup

Get Ready for Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles

5 for $12 Domestic Buckets $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6.95 All You Can Eat Spaghetti & Garlic Bread (5-10pm, dine-in only)

Book your next Party or Event at RED LION! Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

Open for Brunch at 9AM! $1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp

Sunday 10/26

BINGO NIGHT! $3 Drafts of Blue Moon, Angry Orchard and Sam Adams Family

$2 Domestic Bottles $6 Personal 10in Pizza w/ 1 Topping (5-10pm, dine-in only)

MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 HOT STUFF $3 MONSTER VODKA’S

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM

Monday 10/27

$2 Tall Boys of Old Style, PBR, Schlitz and Miller Lite

$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)

SENIOR NIGHT $2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 WELLS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES Bags Tourney at 9pm

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY

Tuesday 10/28

Logo Glass Day!

$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)

FRATTLE FINALS! Frattle of the Bands!

Someone will Win Tonight!

4 Bands Compete! $2 Beam Fire

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

Wednesday 10/29

Free Shuttle Bus to the Game Here!

DJ Christina Hong 9pm

SIGN FOR

$0 DOWN AND GET A $100 GIFT CARD!

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING. • WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. AND SO MUCH MORE! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS Where’s the most inappropriate place you’ve ever been naked?

CRAIG “A church.”

JON “On a child’s slide in a park.”

HEATHER “A golf course.”

BARTENDERS of the WEEK

MEGAN of FIREHAUS

Relationship Status: Friends with benefits Major: Interpretive dance Favorite Drink: Milk Favorite Shot: Body shot Disgusting Drink: Spoiled milk What should be infused with alcohol that currently isn’t?: Nose candy What animal would you most like to see drunk?: Kyle Miller If you had a song playing in your aura as you walk around, what would it be?: “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” because I’m hot.

What’s your favorite euphemism for a naughty bit?: “Put it in the butt,” because that’s how babies aren’t made.

What’s a feature a social media platform should offer, but currently doesn’t?: Dislike button on Facebook, because people are stupid.

How does one best get dough daily?: Panhandle like the bums.

What are your thoughts on me noticing you noticing me, and me putting you on notice that I’m noticing you, too?: What…

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: What’s The Black Sheep?

THE DRINKING GAME

LOST AND FOUND Here at The Black Sheep know how rough weekend nights can get. You might end up lost on campus, running home in your underwear or – God help you – lying face down in a pile of your own shit outside of a bar. Most concerning is when you wake up the next morning without half the stuff you left with. Well, tonight we’re going to retrace our steps and find your stuff the only way we know how: get just as drunk and do it all over again.

What You’ll Need: Half the items you had last night, more beer, and the ability to regain your memory.

Number of Players: You and your internal compass.

Level of Intoxication: Exactly the same as your previous night, one step too far and you’ll end up losing everything you have left with you.

How to play: - Wake up and realize you’ve lost everything you need to survive: wallet, phone, that tiny picture of a muskrat you keep in your pocket because you think it’s too funny.

- Try calling your phone from your friend’s phone like an idiot.

- Actually believe you’re going to find it for a second and then lose all hope.

- Get as drunk as you did last night out of self-pity.

- Realize that if you’re just as drunk as you were before, then logically you must be able to retrace your steps with no problem.

- End up at a bar, shaking the bouncer and yelling, “WHERE IS IT?” The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning just to realize that everything was in your pants pocket from the night before. Whoops.

KIMBO of MURPHY’S

Relationship Status: Negotiable Major: Kinesiology Favorite Drink: All of them Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Ass juice a.k.a all the ends of a bottle What should be infused with alcohol that currently isn’t?: Mac n’ cheese What animal would you most like to see drunk?: A unicorn, so I can actually see one and know they exist.

If you had a song playing in your aura as you walk around, what would it be?: “I Just Had Sex” Why? It’s self explanatory.

What’s your favorite euphemism for a naughty bit?: “When the Red Tide comes, take the dirt road home.”

What’s a feature a social media platform should offer, but currently doesn’t? SMH button… people disgust me.

What are your thoughts on me noticing you noticing me, and me putting you on notice that I’m noticing you, too?: Excuse me?

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: They shouldn’t, those people are dicks!

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

DRUNK NACHOS It’s that point at the night where you’ll eat anything. You’ve perused the cabinets and you’ll settle for a block of uncooked ramen if you have to, but then you see it: a bag of chips. And then you remember it: There’s a bag of cheese in the fridge. That only means one thing, bud.

Drunk nachos.

What You’ll Need: The will to stand next to a microwave for 45 seconds, the creativity to place cheese on a few chips.

Fatty Factor: Enough cheese to choke a few times while trying to swallow the chips.

Let’s Get Baked: - Grab a handful of chips and put them on the plate ( it’s much easier to pour from the bag).

- Refrain from eating handfuls of cheese and leave them where they are on the chips.

- Shove that shit in the microwave and wait 45 seconds.

- DON’T try to eat one right after taking them out, you’ll burn your tongue and kill any hope at tasting all future chips.

- Get some salsa while you wait (it will also help cool off those chips).

- Screw it, don’t wait any longer. Burn your mouth if you have to, they’re too good to not eat.

- Lay in your pile of crumbs and total satisfaction. You did it. You made nachos.

Wasn’t that better than a shitty block of ramen or a can of SpaghettiOs? If you keep using your head like that, things will be looking up for you!

BOOZE REVIEW Brooklyn Lager

Ey there, boyo! Greetin’s from Brooklyn, ya Midwestern chumps! While we admittedly have no idea how to write in a Brooklyn accent, this native lager only makes us want to try until we get it right.

With a crisp taste that hits you harder than a bat to the abdomen by former Dodgers legend Jackie Robinson, this brew will have you swearin’ up a storm at a local deli in no time. Also, the Brooklyn Dodgers really aren’t from Brooklyn anymore?

When the hell did that happen?

User Comments: - “Hey, hey… ‘My boy’s wicked smaht…’ guess what movie that’s from. Wait, that was in Boston?

Shit, sorry. Never mind.”

- “How do you even draw a ‘B’ like that? Like, do you start at the top or the bottom?”

- “They really missed the alliteration mark on this one… ‘Brooklyn Beer’ just rolls off the tongue.”

- “’Ey, quit lookin’ at me like some kinda chooch, ya jabroni.’ Was that any better? No?”

Smells like: The best damn Italian deli sandwich you’ve ever sniffed as it comes out of the toasting oven. That is, if Italian deli meats smelled of yeast, malt, hops, etc.

You’ll Like This if You Like: Asking for the most generically named beer in Brooklyn but still being pleasantly surprised by its taste.

Tastes Like: The official Brooklyn Lager website states that this beer tastes smooth due to its “cold maturation,” meaning the taste should be very comparable to our entire ascent into puberty.

Grade: B Tex Mex Wrote This

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WITH ZERO DEPOSIT + RATES AS LOW AS $664

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Typical Drinkers: - The REAL Brooklyn Dodgers who don’t mess around with that L.A. bullshit.

- Anxious tourists who often blurt out the place they’re visiting immediately followed by the word “lager” when ordering a drink.

- People who enjoy the occasional stylized “B” on a logo every once in a while.

- Rugged city boys who’ve roughed it all their lives in hopes of catching that big break to become somebody in show biz.

Best Described Alongside a Beastie Boys Song Quote: “NO *BWAH* SLEEP *BWAH* ‘TIL BROOKLYN *BWAH BWAH BWAH*” What Your Buddy Watching the Game Next to You Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “So, Stacie slept at her parents’ house last night… I don’t know, man. I don’t think things are gonna work out…”

Common Food Pairing Suggestions: The brewery website has its own food pairings list, and “everything from salads to steaks” is featured.

So, for the sake of space, we’ll say Brooklyn Lager goes best with any kind of chopped salad.

Best Bottled, Canned, or Draft?: We had this one bottled, baby. That forest green logo is just too darn perfect.

THE CARTOON BY: EDWIN

Don’t break up by phone.

Do it in person.

www.SuburbanExpress.com

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MOPED DUDES CREATE RSO Mo’ Freeman wrote this

UIUC students can’t walk to class without at least one moped flying by as glorious as a shooting star and more annoying than that kid who won’t stop coughing in class. These vehicular vagabonds have since formed a motorized bike gang and decided to take their dedication to being college crap sacks to the next level. Yes, the crotch bottle rocket brigade created their own Moped RSO, with one simple goal: to become a force to reckon with frat stars, and of course, the ever-threatening Unicycle Club.

The push to appeal for RSO registration began when a group of now-members finished watching the latest episode of Sons of Anarchy, the show that is most quoted within the group. Inspired by the show’s signature brand of edginess, the founding members developed the brilliant idea of not having one moped-riding asshat on the Quad at all times, but rather several moped-riding asshats.

skill that we have found very important in the art of mopeding. While we’re a crew based on our combined passion for the moped, we do always remind our members of our motto: ‘Bros before Mos.’” While the new RSO seems to take on a similar slogan of the He-for-She campaign, the new club does have a strict rule against women joining what will be the “greatest bike gang on campus.”

“Women belong less on a moped than they belong in an engineering class,” explained senior member Jack Donnelly. When asked about the average GPA of the club, we received no verbal comment on the matter, although the members physically answered the question with a mouthful of drool.

There aren’t many rules or standards to join the Moped Club. Typically one just has to wear a backwards flat brim hat, mid-calf socks paired with some sweet Nikes, and a choice of Clubmaster Ray-Bans or Ray-Ban Wayfarers. So basically, if you’re riding in the Moped crew, you have to at least give off the impression that you’re a prick.

Of course, the inevitable consequence of creating an RSO based purely on overwhelming testosterone and an alarming effort at being a tool is that the club’s population is primarily made up of the Illini football team. It’s no surprise another part of the Moped Club uniform is an Illinois blue and orange athletic backpack. It further explains the big talk the club has started by “vrooming” around 30 miles per hour but actually making no effort to do anything.

The Moped Club reminds club members the most important thing is to be comfortable in your very own skin. “We require pledges to ride around with older club members behind them,” said Moped Club president, Sam O’Toole. “Not only do we like to test their moped techniques but also if they can handle another dude dry humping them and holding onto their groins from behind, another

“I mean, we see each other whenever we have practice, like, once a week,” explained sophomore member, Joey Hipskin. “As long as we ride together to the field and back, that’s enough to make something a club, right?” The Black Sheep did not have the heart to remind the football team that they are already technically part of a club together, although it’s pretty easy to forget.

We’ve all been there: it’s time for bed, the nightlight in the hall has mysteriously gone out, you don’t dare let your feet dangle off the bed for something might grab them, and your parents have told you for the tenth time to, “Go the hell to sleep, you’re 22-years-old.” The Black Sheep remembers, and we’ve decided to offer some closure to those that’ve suffered scary monsters.

LOGAN BAILEY WROTE THIS

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Let's Play

THE BACK PAGE

Squares!

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

U of I Homecoming Dance Even More Awkward than High School’s Tex Mex wrote this CHAMPAIGN – The University of Illinois celebrated its first ever Homecoming dance last night in hopes to raise deflated spirits regarding this weekend’s imminent football disaster. Taking place in the Illini Union’s second floor ballroom, students were invited to a night of non-alcoholic punch, the musical styling of a middle-aged DJ, and a photo area designated for couples who wanted yet another homecoming picture to toss in the trash.

Unfortunately, U of I’s “A Night Under the Rest of the Big Ten Conference” only succeeded in bringing students’ already dampened outlooks on this year’s Homecoming to an all-time low.

Of the 59 students who attended the dance, several reported that the guys and girls “stayed on the opposing sides of the room,” leaving the dance floor “completely bare save for the occasional ‘Cha Cha Slide.’”

“I guess we were just all under the impression that, with being in college now, dances would be a little… cooler?” retrospectively questioned freshman Tammy Lovitz. “It was exactly like how I remembered high school dances, except the number of cool kids who skipped the dance to drink multiplied from 10 to 10,000.”

with students being really into nostalgia these days, we’d try to recreate some of the best memories that everyone has in high school,” implored Chancellor Wise while tagging students in her “HoMeCoMiNg 2014!!! ” photo album on Facebook. “I mean, what student didn’t love homecoming dances?”

While most of the atendees felt the creeping notion to “getting the hell out of Dodge” as soon as they entered the disco balllit room, many felt compelled to stay for the full four hours out of pity for the dance organizers/ chaperones, Chancellor Phyllis Wise and President Robert Easter.

Both the chancellor and president casually walked about the room with their hands folded behind their backs, nervously asking the students if they were having a good time or not.

Despite the unsurprisingly low turnout for the dance, most of the attendees noted that the dance was certainly as authentic as any other high school dance. Both guys and girls alike were hassled by a grumpily stern President Easter who shouted phrases such as, “I shouldn’t have to see those boxers, punk,” and, “Excuse me, young lady, but does that skirt look finger-tip length to you?”

“We just figured that, what

As with any high school dance, however, a select few students were determined to “get the party started” by raiding daddy’s “locked”

liquor cabinet.

“As soon as the DJ told me I couldn’t request ‘Anaconda’ because the lyrics were too inappropriate, I knew I needed to bust out the Jim Beam,” explained freshman Daniel Ryans as he typed up his drinking ticket apology letter. “When the other guys and I spiked the punch bowl when Ol’ Man Easter was busy moving guys’ hands off their dance partners’ asses, we got more of the homecoming experience that I, well… failed to remember from high school.”

Henceforth, the Homecoming dance became an unadulterated college shit show, complete with guys mustering up the courage to actually ask their crushes to dance, girls crying in the bathroom about how Jason is such an asshole, and several real-talks amongst friends promising that things won’t change after graduation.

Once Ryans stumbled to the middle of the dance floor and vomited on Chancellor Wise’s pantsuit, the dance was brought to an abrupt halt. Students were then sent home so long as they let either of the chaperones know that their ride had arrived outside of the Union.

“It was really all-in-all just one of the weirdest nights of my life for so many reasons outside of the fact that I drunkenly grinded on a girl right in front of Chancellor Wise,” commented freshman Kyle Weathers. “Though, I totally scored her number when we were waiting for our rides, so hopefully she’ll ask me to Sadie Hawkins when that comes around.”

CLASSIC COSTUME CROSSWORD ACROSS: 1) Broom not required.

4) Karin from Mean Girls; “I’m a ___, duh!”

5) Put a pacifier in your mouth and call yourself this.

6) Grab an orange sweater from American Apparel, boom, done.

7) Just borrow some stuff from your mom’s mom and be this.

8) A lady who gets athletes stoked.

9) The teacher of The Magic School Bus, Miss who?

11) The main character from The Nightmare Before Christmas, Jack who?

13) Arrrggghhh!

14) Throw a sheet over your head and call yourself this.

15) Her last name is Morgendorffer, and she’s apathetic towards most everything.

ANSWERS

DOWN: 1) Wait, where is he?

2) Aladdin’s love interest.

3) This is, like, so 60s, man.

5) She can be the nature and he can be this guy who make pretty little mistakes (two words).

7) The girls can go as these Girls; Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia.

10) “Is there a naughty lady in this room that I need to punish?”

But not a stripper.

12) She’s sexy, and she’ll stick a needle in ya.

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