Volume 3
The Black Sheep
rea Free! lly m Lik ake e we you wou pay ld for this .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 6
Battle of the Valleys Charity Money Funds GV Staff Trip to Disneyland Shardae Rudel wrote this Contrary to popular belief, the annual Battle of the Valleys (BotV) competition between GVSU and SVSU is more than just a football game. For more than ten years, both schools have sought to out-fundraise each other for a charity. SV has outraised GV by astounding margins for six years running, winning the Victoria Trophy and earning the closest thing to bragging rights the squalid degree mill has ever had. Sick of watching their rival embarrass itself, GV upped its game this year by changing the charity to a more worthy cause: themselves. Up until last year, GV had been donating the BotV funds to various causes including multiple children’s foundations and Big Brothers Big Sisters of West Michigan. Such causes have failed to elicit a battleworthy donation pool from the GV student body, who were surprised when asked if they’re going to donate. “It’s a fundraiser?” asked junior Seth Clearwater. “I thought it was Grand Valley trying to mimic the Michigan/Michigan State rivalry. I didn’t know it actually meant anything.” Clearwater’s reaction is common among the GV student body. Their ignorance towards BotV’s fundraising goal has lead to record-breaking losses for the Laker Nation. In 2012 the fundraising spread was an embarrassing $1,100 to SV’s $30,224. Last year’s final round of donations on the GVSU side of things totaled to a gum wrapper, a Motorola Razr, and a copy of The Five People You Meet in Heaven. We spoke with GV board member Harrison Ulric, who revealed to us that the idea to make themselves the beneficiaries of the fundraiser came from an all-staff meeting. “We pulled the entire board together and asked about any worthy causes they wouldn’t mind supporting,” Ulric told us. “It didn’t take us long to realize the answer was right in front of us all along: the faculty and staff. Who’s more in need and worthy of our students’ money than the people enriching their young lives?” The motion to give the money to GV’s faculty and staff was unanimous. They plan to use the money for a week-long trip to Disneyland during spring break. The money will go towards park admission, airfare, and booking rooms at a four-star hotel, but the souvenirs will come out of the staff’s own pockets.
PAGE 5 WHAT YOUR COFFEE SHOP PREFERENCE SAYS ABOUT YOU JUDGE YOUR PEERS BY WHERE THE GET THEIR CAFFEINE FIX.
“We need the vacation,” Ulric said, “How would you feel dealing with bratty college students on the daily who think they know everything? Let me tell you. Not good… Not good at all.” “We would have gone to Disney World,” board member Richard Hillman added sadly, “but the students are so damn cheap. We had to compromise a few things.”
Hillman has high hopes for the change. He predicts students will rally to the worthy cause, prompted by their professors and faculty advisors at every turn. “They’re helping their professors out and giving them a break. That’s as good of a cause as any.” Students are encouraged to donate to the cause November 9th-15th. The faculty will also accept donations of Mickey Mouse ears, fanny packs, and disposable cameras.
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HOW TO WIN THE ATTENDANCE GAME
HOW TO FIX 2014’S WORST NEW SHOWS (WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR NAMES)
A FEW FOOL-PROOF WAYS TO BEAT THE TOTALLY UNFAIR POLICY.
THIS FALL’S TELEVISION LINEUP IS ATROCIOUS. HERE’S WHAT WE THINK WOULD HELP.
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