GVSU SPRING ISSUE 6

Volume 4

The Black Sheep

FRE bro E! Like ken te bra ars o cke ver ts.. .

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 6

Michigan West vs. East: Hoedown or Motown?

Rachel McLaughlin wrote this

Don’t you wish someone would freakin’ put together some sort of…two-column table organizing the differences between East and West Michigan? Well, The Black Sheep took the liberty of doing that for you so now when you’re arguing with your roommate about whose hometown is better, you at least have examples to defend (or complain about).

• Harvest Health • Family Fare • You like cows? We got cows.

• Grand Coney • 1,200 animals at the John Ball Zoo • Rivertown / Woodland / Centerpointe • Lake Michigan beaches • Beer City • Grand Rapids: Intoxicated • Del Shannon Car Show • Tulip Time • ArtPrize • Alpine / Lake Michigan Drive • Lighthouses • Praise baby Jesus churches • Spectrum • Van Andel Arena • Chemical Bank • Cowgirl boots= class • GRCC / Grand Valley / MSU / Ferris • Ford Museum • Celebration Cinema • Frederik Meijer Gardens • Civic Theatre • Devil’s Soup Bowl

• Whole “paycheck” Foods • Hollywood Market / Plum Market • We still have 7-Eleven Slurpees!

• Leo’s / National Coney Island • 3,000+ animals at the Detroit Zoo • Somerset / Oakland / Twelve Oaks • Rush hour on I-75 • Motor City • Detroit: Impoverished • The Dream Cruise • Fire & Ice Festival • Arts, Beats, and Eats • Woodward / Telegraph • Nightclubs • Whitecastle • Beaumont • Joe Louis Arena • Comerica Park • Chucks= cool • OCC / Wayne / U of M / Oakland • Cranbrook • Emagine • D.I.A. • Fox Theater • Fisher Theatre

• Train to Chicago • Griffins • Fire Keepers Casino • Gentex • Dutch Village • Michigan’s Adventure • Craig’s Cruisers • Rothbury Music Fest • Country / Jesus-talk radio • Car unlocked at the mall? Safe.

• The B.O.B. / The Orbit Room • The Crooked Goose / Peppino’s • Mulligan’s / Main St. Pub • Russ’ / Ucello’s • Founders Brewing Co. • Different city? Drive 20 minutes • No one properly 4-way stops • Tindr pics with Jeeps or fish • The Amish • Outhouse 500 & chili cook-off • Kendall • Charter Internet and cable • Division • Fun? Shootin’ shit and makin’ fires • Button-ups

• Ambassador Bridge to Windsor • Red Wings • Greektown Casino • The Big Three • Greenfield Village • Frankenmuth • Dave & Buster’s • Detroit/Movement Electronic Music Fest • Eminem • Car locked in a garage? Bye stereo!

• The Crofoot / Royal Oak Music Theatre • Granite City / California Pizza Kitchen • The Blarney Stone / Duggan’s Pub • The Lodge / Champp’s • Black Lotus Brewing Co. • Different city? Across the street.

• The hell’s a 4-way stop?

• Tindr pics imitating other ethnicities • “Hot dogs not actual size” sign at IKEA • The Palace / Meadowbrook • CCS / The Art Institute • Wow! Internet and cable • 8 Mile • Fun? Malls, unless you’re in Detroit…

• Wifebeaters

Did we miss something? Tweet us @TheBlackSheepGV PAGE 5

PAGE 7

PAGES 12-13

THE 9 GROUP PROJECT PARTNERS YOU’LL MEET

THE ABCS OF COLLEGE: Q-U EDITION

THE 9 GREATEST COMEBACKS IN THE HISTORY OF EARTH

FROM “THE BRAIN” TO “THE WHINER,” WE COVER THEM ALL.

IN THIS INSTALLMENT WE COVER EVERYTHING FROM GETTING IT ON TO SUCCEEDING UNDER PRESSURE

WITH MARCH MADNESS IN FULL SWING AND EASTER AROUND THE CORNER, LET’S TALK ABOUT COMEBACKS!

FOLLOW US @THEBLACKSHEEPGV

MARCH 26TH, 2015 - APRIL 8TH, 2015

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Meghan Dooley

EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

STREET TEAM MANAGER Jes Hamlin

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Logan Bailey | Abigail Dewstow Dylan Hancook |Julie Nichols Brody Cragg | Shardae Rudel Alison Tazelaar | Teresa Williams

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Gorius, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER John Tibbitts

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

FOLLOW US! @THEBLACKSHEEPGV • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

INSEXTURED SERVANT A person who, after screwing up a relationship, is kept around for sex to make up for it.

JAMES KICKSTAND

After cheating on me with that slut Kara, I made him my insextured servant. He owes me so many orgasms he’ll never get out of it.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz?

Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@THEBLACKSHEEPGV

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

HELP ME!

How to Make Your Own Easter Egg Hunt on Campus Logan Bailey wrote this

Lakers, the fifth best holiday of the year is upon us! As Easter approaches, it’s time to consider the plethora of amazing things you get to do now that the lord and savior hath cometh again! You can decorate hardboiled eggs, eat candy, and dress up like a bunny with all of your friend(s?)… well, that’s about it. But the best way to celebrate Easter? An Easter egg hunt: Grand Valley style.

an open competition.

Preparation: Get Some Eggs: It’s pretty obvious, but not necessary. If you’re eggless, grab some rocks from outside your dorm, your roommate’s car keys, maybe a nice wad of ten $1 bills, or even just some food. These are all easily disguisable as eggs. (Note: You could just buy those little plastic eggs, but where’s the fun in that?)

Hiding the Eggs: Toilets: Everybody loves a little buried treasure, right? Plop a couple of them bad boys in those obscure bathrooms in that strange corner of Mackinac Hall and watch your friends try to sniff them out.

Paint Those “Eggs”: Get a little nostalgic. There’s that messy-as-hell dye stuff your mom has, but we’re thinking there’s probably a better way to make your “eggs” beautiful. Kool-Aid, paint, nail polish…The list goes on.

Recruit Contenders: You’ll need some seriously dedicated contestants to make this the hunt we know you can make. Scour a Greek house party or two and maybe raid a freshman dorm (they’ll participate out of fear). You can grab a bullhorn and walk around 48 West declaring your games

Get A Host: T. Haas. In a bunny suit. Need we say more?

Grand Prize: We’re thinking beer. Yeah, just beer would be enough of an incentive to search the entire campus for. Or candy. Or money.

Offices: We know you’ve got at least one professor who’s never in their office for office hours, so they’re not going to stop you. Shit, fill the entire room up with eggs and leave for them to find the next time they’re in there. Make sure the eggs are real for this one though, you gotta give ‘em something to smell.

New Science Building: There is nothing more invigorating than searching for eggs in a dangerous building without lights, walls, or stability. How exciting!

That One Guy’s Car: You know… that dude in your 6-to-9? The guy in the back who has never missed a class and also has never said a damn thing? Find his car and shove some eggs in the tailpipe, he won’t complain.

Vending Machine: Pry the door open and shove those colorful bitties behind the grossest edible the machine has to offer. It’ll be months before all of those dry-ass packs of crackers fall to reveal the sneakiest of all hiding spots.

People’s Coffee: Make a friend at Einstein Bros.

Bagels and have them slip an eggy treat in that there latte. Watch students cough, choke and then be elated when they collect their beer prize.

Fresh’s Food: Nothing more surprising than stumbling upon a painted treat in your noodlestuff. Bonus is the egg is actually full of more noodle-stuff! Imagine scoring a painted wad of ten $1 bills in your broccoli cheese soup!

Happy Hunting!

A Man Among Mice: An Ode To That Guy Wearing Shorts Julie Nichols wrote this

The Black Sheep would like to take the time to commend and personally thank one male who rises above the rest. Tristian Barker shows complete disregard towards the weather. Every day, with reckless abandonment, this hero boldly makes the hard decision to wear shorts, regardless of the season.

Does Barker care that it’s zero degrees out and snowing? Hell no. Barker is way too busy displaying his manliness for all of Grand Valley to see. He’s a true inspiration for the boys who need a real macho muchacho to look up to. The way Barker always pairs one-size-too-big basketball shorts with zip-up sweatshirts from high school… who knew that combo could have so much aesthetic appeal?

And this fashion icon doesn’t stop there! His dirty man bun held back with a giant rubber band is a fan favorite among the Laker ladies. On days Barker chooses to wear a coat, it’s unbuttoned and displays some sort of phallic imagery from either a video game or sports team. Of course the shirt is always a V-neck, exposing just the tiniest tuft of chest hair. How else would the world know he has an incredibly large penis?

By now you must think the rumors have overstated Barker, but they’re all true. Not only did Barker climb to the top of Mount Everest, he did so whilst wearing his formal jean shorts. But did he get frostbite? Nay, for he is practically inhuman. Or even superiorly human… that son of a bitch.

Of course negative gossip is being spread throughout campus in regards to Barker’s manhood. The Black Sheep would like to settle once and for all that Barker has never once cried while watching a movie. Even when he saw Marley & Me, not a single tear left his ducts. Everyone knows emotions mean weakness, and Barker is anything but a pansy.

What ode would this be if there was no mention of his taste in quality music? The whole world knows of Barker’s manly playlist that blasts out of his Beats by Dre on the bus for all to hear. So considerate! Of course everyone wants to listen to Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop” or Saving Abel’s “Addicted” because 2008 was the most masculine of years.

As Grand Valley’s campus slowly turns to spring, there’s a fear that most students are concerned about: how will Barker maintain his masculinity when wearing shorts during a hailstorm is no longer plausible?

It’s a fear that’s almost justified. But do not dwell, Lakers, for rumors are being shouted (not whispered, because that’s for sissies) that Barker plans to continue wearing shorts (while alternating his look between a stringer and a bro-tank), with longboard always in hand. Barker’s unchanging outfit reminds his peers that he will continue to secure his gender no matter the circumstance.

Someday, Barker hopes to teach his fellow man the way of the most virile of species through his book entitled I Have a Penis, Why Don’t You?, set to print sometime late 2016. Barker is still free-balling, wearing his Nike flip-flops with his black Adidas socks pulled up halfway to his knees, and giving subtle “Sup?” chin-up nods to other bros around campus.

GUESS WHO?

THE TOP TEN

THINGS GV STUDENTS GAVE UP FOR LENT Many things are given up while participating in Lent, and with GV being a campus surrounded by religious influence, it’s no surprise students went all-out this year to prove that they could finish their goal.

The 9 Group Project Partners You’ll Meet in Group Project Hell Dylan Hancook wrote this Group projects: An educational device intended to stimulate “real-world” experience, mainly resulting in convoluted emails threads and “real-world” freeloading. We’ve listed 9 idiosyncratic characters of college group projects, nearly all of them terrible.

The Brain: Without the brain, your group is as hopeless as a dyslexic kid solving a crossword puzzle. Listen to this kid. He may smell like formaldehyde and low self-esteem, but he’s still smarter than you and will earn you at least a B. (Majors: Pre-med, electrical engineering) The War General: This person assumed the role of the group leader the moment he walked out of Staples with that expensive leather binder. Whether he actually knows anything about the class is debatable. (Majors: Business, supply chain management) The Overachiever: You think you’re all on a level of understanding until this girl does way more work than she was supposed to, making everyone else look impotent.

“Goddammit Kelly! We said one synopsis not four!

Is that your planner?! I’m taking it.” (Major: English) The Mouth: Seeing how they’ve been talking non-stop the last 10 minutes and none of the words they’ve said have been “Latin America” or “sociological development,” they need to shut their mouth. This person still thinks he’s in high school and treats every group project as an opportunity to waste everybody’s time. This person typically suggests you start a group text and then spends the whole time sending outdated memes that everyone is sick of.

(Major: Theatre, film) The Ghostrider (Sadly not Nicolas Cage): The whole time you either thought this person was in another group or was a spy from the national government sent to observe college students. Ei-

ther way, he doesn’t say a damn thing and it pisses you off because you’re doing all the work for HIS grade. (Majors: Undecided) The Pick-Up Artist: This isn’t a fraternity social. Stop trying to swoon the pants off all the girls in the group by scheduling “one-on-one study sessions.” They can tell you have a small penis. Give it up, bro. (Major: Criminal justice, herpes) The Anus: It wasn’t until you met her that you seriously questioned the validity of the college admissions process. This person typically proposes the worst ideas such as making a video, doing a skit, or just winging it the day of. She rarely comes to class but when she does, it’s to turn in papers written in pencil. It astounds you that anyone could be this daft in college. (Majors: Illiteracy, mis-communications) Mr. Unreliable: Meeting up with this person is like trying find Bigfoot in the bottom of the ocean; it’s just not going to happen. He claims something always comes up, but five minutes later you see him tweet “Ran out of pickles.” This guy is less reliable than a blind paramedic so you’d best just do everything yourself.

Common phrases include: “I’m so sorry, my cat just died,” or “I’m so sorry I’m on my way to get another cat.” (Major: Art) The Whiner: Undoubtedly, the worst of all potential group members. This person spends more time complaining than putting in any tangible effort whatsoever.

Common phrases include: “This is such bullshit,”“He gives us the stupidest assignments,” and “Why do we even need to know this?” This whiner will make you whine too. (Majors: Political science, nursing) Which group member person are you? Tweet us @TheBlackSheepGV

10.) Catholicism: God knows (literally) that Lent is the absolute worst time to be Catholic. No meat on Friday, having to give up one of your favorite things, and still having to attend confession weekly. Living in such a Catholic-dominant area, giving up religion was the best way to avoid the horrific holiday.

9.) Significant Other: Who would have thought Lent could be so useful? With a quick line of “It’s not you, it’s Jesus,” you can easily drop that tumor of a human being and get laid elsewhere. That naggy, mother-like significant other is someone else’s problem now.

8.) Sex: Everyone has heard of No-Fap November, but who ever thought of abstaining from actual sex? Nobody, because it was a stupid idea and all time was spent in front of a computer watching videos of Sasha Grey getting plowed, while crying into a pile of used tissues, wishing that was your penis/vagina/butt.

7.) Binge Drinking: It’s ‘bout time you sobered up. Lent is the perfect time to stop attending those horrible, cramped parties at 48 West and enjoy the perks of sobriety. Then again, only binge drinking was given up….so drinking a lot over the course of a few hours is okay, right?

6.) Class: Praise the Lord, Lent has given GV students a serious opportunity to skip class consistently. A quick email sent to your teacher explaining that going to class for the next month is “against your religion” is all you have to do. Why did no one think of this before?

5.) The Gym: Almost every student made a commitment once the ball dropped on New Year’s Day to work out more, and Lent gave these giver-uppers an excuse to skip the Rec Center.

You’ve been looking for an excuse to get out of your personal training, and one was handed to you on a silver platter, along with a Whopper and exta-large fries.

4.) Clothes: No one will question your choices as long as you mumble “It’s what the Lord would have wanted.” Giving up clothes for Lent is the most liberating experience one could ever wish for. Even when the GV cops plaster people with tickets for public nudity, it’s easy to crumple ‘em up, throw ‘em back, and yell about how they’re “oppressing your right to freedom of religion!” Win. 3.) Pumpkin Spice Lattes: This was easy enough to give up, and a perfect way for the preacher’s daughter to exercise a little freedom. Seeing that it’s out of season, you can say it’s been given up without actually having to give it up, as everyone knows that pumpkin spice is a fall flavor. Gotta love those loopholes.

2.) Netflix: This would seemingly be the hardest, but it was actually the easiest given the various other video streaming sites on the Internet. There’s always HuluPlus. Duh. 1.) Nothing: Screw the social stigma of the Bible Belt. Lent means nothing to faithless students. These students can parade themselves about campus, feeling free and happy knowing that their liberties are not being taken due to some religious purge of Earthly sins.

Abby Dewstow wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

ON THE STREETS

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

WHAT IS THE MOST GLUTTONOUS DRUNK MEAL YOU’VE HAD? KEVIN HACKER

“I had a ridiculously huge, heavenly burrito and two family-sized bags of chips. I don’t remember eating the chips, but I know that I did.”

SHANNON BLOURNE

“I put a lot M&Ms on a paper plate and microwaved them. They were like a soft chocolate shell.”

ALEXANDRA MERRIL

“Half of a red velvet cake and a whole pint of vanilla ice cream.”

06

PRO TIPS

Alison Tazelaar wrote this

We’re getting closer and closer to the end of the alphabet (and the school year!), and The Black Sheep is back to help you through these last few weeks with a few more nuggets of wisdom with Q, R, S, T, and U. How to be Queen of Everything: Act like a cat: don’t let anyone touch you if you don’t want to be touched. Sleep a lot and when someone questions you, give them the old “I’m better than you, peasant” look. The world is yours. Put on your bad bitch shoes, swipe on your favorite lipstick and walk with your shoulders back. Aesthetic is everything.

How to Rock Her World: We know you need to keep your woman happy because, you know, “happy wife (girlfriend, FWB, whatever) happy life.” Your #1 priority is that you feed the lady her favorite food. Is she hungry? Buy her a pizza. Nothing says “I appreciate you” like satisfying her hunger. There’s a flower section at Meijer for a reason (it’s on the 50 bus route, you have no excuse) so go there and pick up some flowers and surprise that lady. Unless she doesn’t like flowers, then get her a blanket, a candle, or decent wine. Keeping a lady happy isn’t the great mystery it seems.

Just listen and wash the dishes.

How to Have the Best Shower: The best showers involve someone else. If you don’t have a shower buddy, your shower isn’t totally lost. Buy some fancy bath products (we recommend Lush) and TREAT YO’ SELF. Make a cool shower playlist to sing along with (or set the mood). Light some candles and be sensible. Nothing worse than evacuating your building in a towel because someone set the candle too close to the drapes. Showers are a great way to cleanse your mind, body, and soul. And if you didn’t already know, shower beers are bomb.

How to Talk Like a Grown Up: Making adult-type phone calls is one of the scariest things you do as a human. You might have to study up before calling the insurance company. Before making the real call, recite a practice phone call in the mirror. It would suck to muddle your way through the automatic prompts, wait on hold for 15 minutes only to stutter when they ask “How can I help you today?” Write a list of things to say for when you start to panic, and then say them all in a line as fast

as you can. Hopefully your random asides will suit the situation.

How to Succeed Under Pressure: Write out a list of your responsibilities. Group them by due date, or difficulty. If household chores are on the list (like laundry or masturbating), put those at the top; you can have laundry (or whatever) going while you complete other tasks. After all, multi-tasking is a great resume addition. However, if lists aren’t your thing, go into power mode and stay in the library all night knocking out task after task. If all else fails, just become a blanket burrito and scream until you fall asleep. Avoiding your responsibilities is the next best thing to accomplishing something.

Enjoy applying these to your daily life, and maybe you’ll find some happiness in your future! See you next time.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The ABCs of College: Q-U Edition

52” FLATSCREEN TELEVISIONS 4 BEDROOM, 4 1/2 BATHROOM 10 OR 12 MONTH LEASE KITCHEN W/ GRANITE TOP FULLY FURNISHED

LIVE HERE. LIVE BETTER.

MY COTTAGE

COTTAGES • TOWNHOMES • APARTMENTS

TOUR TODAY! 616.895.6678 • CAMPUSVIEWHOUSING.COM

THE BAR GRID 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

Industry Special Everyday!

12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Industry Special All Day Sunday - Thursday 33% off Drinks for Restaurant/Bar Employees

FRIDAY! $3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger & a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. $3 Beer Geek craft beer specials

College Night DJ Dickair & Jenny Disko 50% Off Drinks Open-12 Because Thursday ends at Midnight...

$4 Microbrews Boneless Chicken Dinger Platter

Friday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

Live Entertainment

$3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Saturday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Live Entertainment

$2 Domestic Pints Noon-6 $5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands

Sunday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday!

12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Sunday Funday $3 Flavored Vodka, $2 Wells $2 Domestics Various Live Entertainment

$3.99 Bloody Marys 9-Midnight

Monday

Mug Club Night! Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

Closed, but don’t miss...

Industry Specials All Day Sunday, Tuesday - Thursday 33% off Drinks for Restaurant/Bar Employees

$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips

Tuesday

Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

Line Dancing $2.00 Wells All Night

$3 You-Call-Its 1/2lb. Hamburger & Fries

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine 8 p.m. Geeks Who Drink Trivia

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2 lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

Comedy Open Mic Night $1.50 Retro Cans, $2 Drink Specials

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

SPECIAL NIGHT

Thursday

MONDAY: Mug Club Night!

Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber

THE BAR GRID 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

SUNDAY: $3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day! Live Celtic Music: 7-9 p.m Thirsty Thursday Happy Hour 4-7! $2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

FRIDAY: $4 Maragritas $6.50 Labatt Pitcher

Taco Tuesday!

Two great tacos for $3.00! $4.00 Margaritas and $2.00 Wells!

Employee Handbook

$4 Long Islands $4.50 Long Beach $3 Heineken Bottles

2014 PBR Progression: $0.50 Drafts at 7pm Price Rises Every 30 Minutes ...and many other great drink and food specials!

MONDAY: Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m.

Drink specials during the show.

Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5 off all Burgers (the creature excluded) w/ purchase of a beverage from 6 to 11pm (Dine-In Only) Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Thursday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Friday

Happy Hour 2-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Saturday

Rehab Brunch and Gong Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar from Noon to 5pm 1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and Founders Draft

Sunday

1

Happy Hour 4-7!

Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu (8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Maragritas $6.50 Labatt Pitcher

$4 Long Islands Beer and Shot Specials Dance party select Fridays!

Great DJ with a club atmosphere!

Revolving Event Night at Mullys!

Rotating Drink Specials!

Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$3 Guinness Bottles $3 Well Shot and Pop

Open Mic -- Kyler and Company in the house -PA system provided. Come to listen or bring your own instrument and play!

Ladies Night--DJ in house spinning the best music every other Saturday!

Talk to your bartenders for coming events!

$3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day! Live Celtic Music: 7-9 p.m

Closed Like Us on Facebook!

1/2 off Apps Starting at 8pm $4 Bloody Mary Specials ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Closed

$4 Jack and Coke $4 Tall Craft Brews

Karaoke at 9pm $1.75 Bartender’s Choice Shots ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m.

Drink specials during the show.

Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

Monday

$2 Well Shot and Pop $3 Tall Bud Light

Taco Tuesday!

Two great tacos for $3.00! $4.00 Margaritas and $2.00 Wells!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Tuesday

$3 Jager Barrel $3 Tall Labatt

Wings! $0.50 Traditional Wings 6 wings with Domestic Pint for $4.99 ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM

Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

GV SENIORS SELL CLASS SPOTS DURING REGISTRATION Shardae Rudel wrote this

The day of worrying about class scheduling is over thanks to senior Frank Lafata. The soon-tobe graduate, along with a slew of other seniors, decided to take pity on those still stuck with the heinous process. He sold his unneeded class spots a few weeks after classes were announced to make registration easier on the underclassmen, and also make money on the side. The result: A new underground scheduling marketplace run by students for students.

“I once created the perfect mock-schedule,” Lafata recalled. “No Monday or Friday classes. Twelve credits. It was magical, but I was the last freaking group to register so by the time I could log into myBanner, all those classes were taken and I was stuck with not only one, but two Friday classes. It was a nightmare.”

The horrific experience was a wakeup call for Lafata.

Graduating this April, he doesn’t have to worry about registration for next fall and was finally free of the stress of planning and ultimately getting let down by the man. Unfortunately, some of his friends were not.

“Some of my younger friends were having a really tough time with scheduling,” Lafata told The Black Sheep. “I felt bad for them because I’d been in their shoes, you know? I was thinking of just giving them my spots, but I also didn’t want it to be that easy.

I’m a dick like that.” Lafata came up with the idea to sell his unneeded spots in selective upper-level lectures. Graduating with a liberal arts degree, he ended up making a hundred bucks for a couple of sociology credits.

“Underclassmen are just so easy,” said Lafata,

“They’re stressed, vulnerable, and desperate to have someone hand them their classes instead of working for it themselves. It’s the perfect system for everyone.”

Word has since spread around campus of Lafata’s successes, and his fellow seniors took after his lead. Soon, hordes of amateur entrepreneurs were advertising around campus, pushing their class spots like the newest shipment of “goods” to the Ravines’ Shantytowns. Senior Reggy Harlow began offering prime spots in upper-level biology labs for punched-out Java City cards.

“I’m not even a science major,” Harlow revealed. “I just really wanted some free coffee.”

On top of coffee rewards cards, prices for class spots range from textbooks, Debit Dollars, life advice, and even titty pics. Freshman Gigi Phillips recently purchased some three-credit classes in exchange for a Klondike Bar from a senior she met in WRT 256.

When asked about the new system, Gigi enthusiastically responded: “It’s great! Registering for classes during orientation was stressful enough.

I thought I was going to have a full-on meltdown when I heard I had to do it again. This whole class cartel the seniors have going on made it so much easier to not worry about it. Money really can buy anything.”

There continues to be competition for class spots and participating dealers are still adjusting prices as they recover from the first hell week of registration.

Word is not yet out if the auctions and other types of deals will be continuing after registration ends, but rest assured: there will be blood.

The Black Sheep is Hiring Ad Reps do you like to make a few extra bucks?

trying to get some real experience?

quickly and easily apply today: theblacksheeponline.com/jobs

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 4 ou

1. Health: Jonas Salk developed the first vaccine to combat this disease.

5. Money: What variety of currency does the Vatican use?

2. Geography: Cairo Illinois is a city where the Mississippi River and what other river converge?

6. Education: What kind of degree is a Th.D?

3. Magazines: Who graced the cover of the 2015 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue?

4. Fast Food: What fast food chain and friendly The Daily Show rival offered Jon Stewart a job when he announced his leaving of the show?

PROF. JENNIFER HOWER STATISTICS DEPARTMENT

7. Movies: Which movie franchise sees Age of Ultron hit theaters May 1, 2015?

8. Booze: What makes a martini dirty?

9. Cars: What supercar company just sold the last car in its Veyron auto line?

10. Fashion: What type of heel is defined by a raised area under the arch and heel, entirely filled?

Prof. Hower’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Polio 2. Arkansas River 3. No Idea 4. In-N-Out Burger 5. Lira? 6. Doctorate of Theology 7. Transformers 8. Green olive juice 9. Maserati 10. Wedge

1. Polio 2. Ohio River 3. Hannah Davis 4. Arby’s 5. Euro 6. Doctorate of Theology 7. Avengers 8. Olive juice 9. Bugatti 10. Wedge

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

BEER BOWLING

EASTER COOKIES, EASTER-STYLE

After barely surviving winter, it looks like sun—and the accompanying fun—are here to stay.

Get outside and inhale deeply the fresh air. Inhale a 12-pack of the beer of your choice while you’re at it, too.

Jesus didn’t die for your sins (even you, Jews!) for you to celebrate Easter in your apartment sad and alone. So, eliminate the “alone” party by hopping to the store for some ingredients for Easter cookies.

What You’ll Need: Many empty beer cans of the same brand, some full beers of the same brand as the empties. A smallish, heavy ball, like a croquet ball or a bocce ball.

Number of Players: Any even number under 10, split into 2 teams.

Level of Intoxication: You and Homer Simpson would be pin pals.

What You’ll Need: Half a stick of butter, melted, ½ cup white sugar 1 ¼ cup flour, ¼ cup corn starch, 2 eggs, pinch of salt, 3 tbsp milk, dash of vanilla.

Cook Time: 25 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Your stomach egg will be full of sugary goodness.

How to Play: -Mark a lane. A lane should be at least 20 feet long and 2-3 feet wide.

-On one end of the lane, have a member of the non-bowling team set up 10 cans in standard bowling fashion. 9 of these cans should be empties. One can should be unopened and full.

-The player setting up the pins may place the unopened can anywhere among the 10 pins he likes.

-Once set up, one player on the other team rolls. As in standard bowling, he gets 2 rolls.

-If, in either attempt, that player knocks over the full beer, a member of the other team must drink that beer before he or she can roll.

-If a player rolls a strike, the other team must drink a beer, and this player immediately gets another turn.

-After two rolls, unless a strike is rolled, the teams switch roles.

Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 375 degrees.

-Line a baking sheet with parchment paper…if you want.

-Combine the flour, sugar, butter and salt in a big ol’ bowl until uniform.

-Beat in corn starch, vanilla and milk.

-Beat in 2 eggs.

-Now you should have a semi-crumbly dough to work with. Press into balls 1 inch across. This recipe should make about a dozen cookies.

-Flatten balls with hands and place on baking sheet.

Laugh and laugh about all the “balls” talk.

-Place in oven for 12-14 minutes.

-Remove and let cook.

The Game Ends When: Drunken people start throwing the ball, then Dave gets hit and has to go to the hospital. Laugh at Dave’s misfortune, everyone.

Yeah, take that Satan. Where are your stupid cookies? Probably in Hell or something.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The 9 Greatest Comebacks

in the History of Earth wrote this Dan Collins

With the NCAA Tournament in full swing and Easter right around the corner, it is truly the time of year for comebacks. Whether they’re stories of late-game heroics in basketball, or a man literally coming back from the dead, the spirit of the underdog is in the air. With that in mind, here are the nine greatest comebacks in the history of Earth:

9.) Will Ferrell: Whether he’s been fired for telling his home city to go fuck themselves or he’s been horrifically fake paralyzed, Will Ferrell is constantly finding himself a massive underdog. Fortunately, due to his persistence, willingness to do anything (such as fight a pack of bears), and predictable structure of his movies, Will Ferrell always comes out on top, or at least fourth place if that’s the goal he set for himself. In the world of acting, there is no better comeback artist than Ferrell, an old, overweight, unattractive man who has, against all odds, become one of the most recognizable leading men in Hollywood.

8.) Rasputin: Rasputin was an ugly, dirty, Russian peasant who worked as a “healer.” However implausibly, he became extremely influential to the Russian Royal Family and was allegedly sleeping with the Tsar’s wife.

Partially because of that, and partially because his bad advice helped escalate Russia towards civil war, many important Russians wanted him dead. Unfortunately, Rasputin simply refused to die.

After an attempt to assassinate him via stabbing failed despite the doctor taking ten hours to reach Rasputin and operate on him, steps were taken to ensure Rasputin would die. After inviting Rasputin to a dinner party, he was given a lethal dose of cyanide and “fatally” shot in the chest. However, several minutes later, the guests at the party heard a noise that turned out to be Rasputin walking out of the house. He was then “fatally” shot in the stomach and brought back inside.

Ten minutes later, Rasputin suddenly jerked, and was then “fatally” shot again, this time in the face. They disposed of his body by throwing him off of a bridge and into a river. According to his autopsy a few days later, Rasputin suffered a fatal blow to the head and had no oxygen in his lungs, meaning he may not have died until he drowned in the river.

7.) Big Cellphones: In the 80s and early 90s, when cellphones were just coming into existence, big phones were all the rage, mostly because that’s the only kind that existed. But, as technology evolved, phones got smaller and big cellphones became extremely uncool.

Seriously, watch any movie where the characters have those huge 80s phones. They look absolutely ridiculous. By the mid-2000s, tiny phones like the Razr and the Edge were the coolest phones you could have. But, fast forward 10 years later and the big cellphone is back. Have you seen the iPhone 6 Plus? It’s big enough to look reasonable in Andre the Giant’s hands. Plus, let’s stop pretending that tablets are anything besides enormous cell phones, because that’s exactly what they are.

6.) Marijuana: In colonial times, America was as high on marijuana as any place in the world. In fact, the Declaration of Independence is printed on hemp paper, which is about as American as it gets. Unfortunately, over time, it fell out of favor for a multitude of dumb reasons that potheads incessantly bring up.

By the 20th century, only people looked at as degenerates by society could be seen smoking jazz cigarettes.

There were even those hilarious reefer madness videos being shown in earnest. Then, the 60s happened and all of a sudden pot was back in America in full force.

With legalization of marijuana happening all over the country, it’s safe to say that marijuana is here to stay.

5.) Napoleon: Known better in present times for being short and the complex associated with him, Napoleon Bonaparte was once the most powerful man in Europe.

By 1812, Napoleon’s France controlled nearly all of Europe. However, after a couple big defeats, Napoleon found himself exiled from France to the tiny island of Elba in 1814 with the Bourbons back in his throne. Not fazed by what seemed like insurmountable defeat, Napoleon escaped from exile and took control of the French government within a year in what had to be the laziest exile in the history of war. Unfortunately, his ensuing campaign to regain Europe failed and he was again exiled, this time permanently.

4.) America in the Space Race: After the USSR successfully launched Sputnik into orbit in 1957, confidence in American exceptionalism was at an all-time low. If we couldn’t get a satellite into space faster than a group of glorified Eskimo alcoholics, how great could we be? It turns out, very, as America responded by landing a man on the moon by 1969. To add insult to injury, we even beat them in hockey in 1980, going on to win Olympic Gold, thereby proving America is better than the USSR at everything, even things they love, but we hardly care about.

3.) Space Jam: The Monstars were very possibly the most talented basketball team ever assembled. After stealing the talent from some of the NBA’s best players, and Shawn Bradley, in addition to never abiding by any of the actual rules of basketball, they looked to be just about unbeatable at halftime, when they led 66-18.

Somehow, the rag-tag crew of Loony Tunes and a minor league baseball player went on an unheard of 48-2 run early in the second half thanks to some creative schemes, plenty of Michael Jordan brilliance, and, more importantly, Mike’s Secret Stuff, leaving them down only 2 late in the fourth quarter. It took an implausible appearance by Bill Murray and some physics shattering elasti-arms by Michael Jordan for a win in what has to be the greatest comeback in the history of sports.

2.) Jesus: Somehow not topping the list, even this close to Easter, Jesus suffered several falls from grace, only to go out and redeem himself each time. Less than a week after being paraded in the streets by hordes of adoring fans with palms, Jesus was put on trial for ambiguous charges and sentenced to death by crucifixion despite doing nothing in that week to justify this massive dip in popularity.

Despite only needing to be better liked than a murderer, somehow Jesus was found guilty and crucified. Jesus, not to be outdone, spent part of three days dead in a tomb, only to inexplicably resurrect on Easter Sunday, in what has to be the greatest magic trick ever. That or a miracle, whichever you prefer.

1.) Dinosaurs: Roughly 65 million years ago, or a few thousand if you are a creationist, dinosaurs roamed the world we now inhabit. However, due to a meteor or whatever actually killed all the dinosaurs, dinosaurs were never to return to this earth. That is, until they were discovered once again only 22 years ago by the scientists at Jurassic Park. While Jesus’ resurrection after three days is extremely impressive, the dinosaurs have him beat by approximately 64.999999 million years in terms of length before resurrecting, and that’s why they’re the obvious choice for #1 on this list.

blacked out cartoons!

Can you identify them? If so, email us at cartoons@theblacksheeponline and win a prize!

MOONS OF JUPITER CLUE BANK

WORDSEARCH

Metis • Adrastea • Amalthea • Thebe Io • Europa • Ganymede • Callisto Themisto • Leda • Himalia • Lysithea Elara • Carpo • Euporie • Thelxinoe Euanthe • Helike • Orthosie • Iocaste

48west is hosting its 2nd Annual Skivvies Sprint to donate clothing to Goodwill.

Sprinters will enjoy a party prior to the sprint & lots of freebies along the way!

ANSWER KEY

THIS YEAR’S THEME IS: PRIZE AWARDED FOR BEST COSTUME! Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

Wear a ton of clothing that you wish to donate to Goodwill!

Come to the registration party between 7pm & 7:30pm .

When the Sprint is going to begin, strip your layers down to your skivvies & RUN!

MeadowsCrossing apartments

the place to be