Grand Valley - Issue 4 - 2/20/2014

The Black Sheep

FR BOT EE... L TOM IKE OF Y THE OUR FRIE FRI S AT END THE ’S B AG.

Vol. 2, Issue 4

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

2/20/14 - 3/5/14

CRAZY PREACHER FOLLOWS

STUDENTS ON SPRING BREAK JULIE NICHOLS WROTE THIS

This spring break The Black Sheep followed Grand Valley students to a common party destination: Panama City, Florida. However, this year, a special visitor traveled with students by way of missionary bus and inflated ego. Everyone was delighted to see their favorite preacher Jed Smock, angry as ever, in sunny Florida.

Holiday Inn right at seven o’clock, his holiness’ most sacred hour,” Jed said as he proceeded to pull out his Bible. “Do you see this? This is a Bible, the word of your dear God and savior. But, I did not find one in my hotel room! The reception desk told me that the Bible had been stolen.

STOLEN, I tell you, from my room. This blasphemy is the work of the Devil!”

Known for his hellfire and brimstone protests, Jed usually occupies GVSU Transitional Links on Friday afternoons.

This spring break, instead of separating the pole from the lining of his anus like he usually does, Smock decided to take his picket signs and travel for the week.

Jed then pulled a megaphone from his bag and began to address the partiers about their swimsuits.

“Oh, dude, I just love when people tell me I’m going to Hell, especially when I’m on vacation,” Adam Westwood, a GVSU senior, told The Black Sheep. “You really enjoy yourself more when a white, middle-aged man is bitching at you, saying that Satan’s going to rape you in the afterlife. Preacher Smock takes our beerchugging and really kicks it up a notch on the fun scale.”

Beer-chugging isn’t the only thing Uncle Jed can scream up a completely rational storm about. In addition to ranting about alcohol, anything related to drugs, sex, homosexuality, or women are fair game for this saint. The Black Sheep caught up with Jed during one his moving rallies on the beach. This is what he had to say about his accommodations: “Praise the Lord that I checked into the

“Women, thou shall cover up yourselves, not parade around in bikinis. It has ‘bi’ in the work and everyone knows that Genesis is about Adam and Eve, not…”

Smock began to trail off realizing that, based on his own argument, the Bi-ble may condone bisexuality. It wasn’t long before he was continuing right along.

“However, no dancing! It leads to sex standing up, abortions, and Catholicism.”

Regardless of his preaching, everyone seemed to be enjoying their spring break with Jed Smock.

“Smocky’s the best! Nothing gets a party started like his hate-filled shit storms,” Hannah O’Reily, an accounting major, said. “I especially love that one time when actual decent human beings showed up to protest against him. You should have seen how he was able to logically debate his point by using anger and scare-tactics instead of, like, facts and science and

PAGE 4 FEMINIST LEARNS TO TAKE A JOKE LAUGHS OUT LOUD DURING WGS CLASS, RECEIVES FAILING GRADE

other unnecessary stuff.”

Hannah is absolutely right. Surely everyone knows that people don’t start to form their own opinions and beliefs until after they have a bachelor’s degree. Up to that point, the mind of a college student is so malleable that even the most dogmatic, close-minded beliefs are able

to take hold.

However, The Black Sheep did hear a rumor that one night during spring break, Pastor Jed was caught illegally downloading music. It’s possible that he isn’t the perfect, godly person he has portrayed to be.

“Yeah, I heard he likes Miley Cyrus’ music, but didn’t want anyone to know he stole it online,” Westwood said of Jed’s controversy. “All those hating on him should back off. Seriously, when did it become immoral to judge someone just because they sin differently than you do? It’s not like it says that in the Bible or anything.”

PAGE 5 GUY ON INTRAMURAL TEAM CAN DUNK, BUT WON’T

PAGES 12-13 THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: BIG GIGANTIC

MORE OF A CURSE THAN A BLESSING, A HARROWING TALE OF HUMILITY AND TRIUMPH.

WE CHAT WITH JEREMY SALKEN OF THE FUNKY HIPHOP AND JAZZ DUO.

Keep Up With Us! @TheBlackSheepGV • theblacksheeponline.com

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To be perceived oneself as sick as a means of justifiably avoiding class.

“Don’t be illusional Bethany,” Maria said, “ you only had a coughing fit because it was your turn to hit the bowl.”

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Roommates Still Won’t Tell Friend How He

Pooped His Pants Three Years Ago “A daytime keg race seemed like a good idea,” graduating senior Tyler Warshaw whispered through a thousand-yard stare, “it was a warm spring day, birds woke me up that morning. Isn’t it funny how you remember the small things?”

“It was super-gross,” Bryce notes, “[roommate] Dan and I made him sleep in the shower. We set our alarm clocks so we could get up in the middle of the night to turn the shower on just to mess with him. Drunk idiot.”

“What you left in those drawers of yours was no small thing,” friend, former roommate, and tormentor Bryce Montaw heckles, elbowing Warshaw in his ribs.

“Listen, I’m just looking for answers,”Tyler pleads with Bryce, “like, did I poop my pants at the party and then leave, or was it on my way home or what? It’s killing me, man.”

It’s been almost three years since Warshaw arrived home at his apartment reeking of raw sewage fermented in beer farts. To this day, neither of his roommates accompanying Tyler to the party will tell him about the incident.

“I dunno,” Montaw wryly responds.

“I KNOW YOU KNOW!” Tyler cries out through tears.

“You guys are such assholes,” Tyler moans, “I had to stop hanging out with that whole group because I don’t know if they know I pooped my pants.

I was pretty close with those guys! I went on spring break with them that year!”

Montaw cracks a smile,“Speaking of assholes, remember that time your asshole had a bunch of poopcome out of it and then it went into your pants like you’re a fuckin’ 4-year-old or something?”

Brendan wrote this

FEMINIST LEARNS TO TAKE A JOKE After several painstaking weeks of passive-aggressive and backhanded comments between the men and women of the Intro to Women and Gender Studies lecture, the tension finally broke when a feminist laughed at a sexist joke.

At approximately 2:34 p.m., avid women’s activist and feminazi Jackie Goldman was sent into a giggle fit after pledge bitch Rob Ignolia muttered a simple chauvinistic comment.

“She was going on about how fraternities are ‘incubators of the perpetuating gender roles’ and that our university promoted misogyny through a strong, male-centric Greek life,” commented Ignolia, “She was pissing me off so all I said was, ‘Who let her out of the kitchen?’”

Sources report that Goldman stared at Ignolia for a few moments before she burst into tears from laugher. In a mixture of shock from the men and disgust from the women, the entire class could only watch as her laughs shook the very foundation of feminism.

According to the Feminist Manifesto, acknowledgement of a kitchen joke by a woman r e g r e s s e s t h e w o m e n’s movement by at least fifty years.

Dire consequences such as these provide a comprehensive explanation as to why many feminists have a perpetual stick up their ass.

When asked to comment on her episode, Goldman stated, “After years of ignoring bigoted comments and enduring antifeminism jokes, I couldn’t take it anymore. All I’ve ever wanted

was to be treated as an equal.

I guess that means learning to laugh with the boys.”

After the incident, WGS professor Dr. Sarah Alback immediately dismissed the class and promptly failed Goldman for breaking the WGS Code of Conduct. Unfazed by the ordeal, Goldman reportedly returned to her dorm room to replace her shrine of Hillary Clinton with Twilight books and a vinyl copy of the single “Blurred Lines.”

Black Sheep staff wrote this

CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

REASONS TO DROP A CLASS CLAIRE FISHER WROTE THIS

We’ve reached the point in the semester where it’s time to decide if that class is worth your valuable time. If you’re having trouble making a decision, The Black Sheep has assembled a list of ten acceptable reasons for dropping a class.

10.) The class is more than 100 feet from your dorm: At this point in the school year, with snow everywhere and spring break approaching, traveling to class simply isn’t worth it. So if you live in the freshman dorms and you have a class anywhere but Mackinac, drop it. If you’re an upperclassman living in Meadows or Campus West, feel free to drop all of your classes.

9.) You’ve been asked to read something longer than 3 pages: If your professor thinks they can get you to read an entire chapter out of that book you didn’t even buy, the class is not worth the effort. Drop it. Your time would be better spent playing pool in Kirkhof; an activity which requires no reading.

Guy on Intramural Team Can Dunk, But Won’t MATHEW KENNEDY WROTE THIS The spring intramural basketball season is well underway here at GVSU, and the competition is better than ever. Part of that has to do with 6’9 Grant Hall. Hall, a sophomore, is a special athlete, with one skill in particular that sets him apart.

“Dude, he can, like, dunk,” said Hall’s teammate Kurt Jorgensen.

There’s no need to re-read the last sentence.

It’s true. Hall, who played high school basketball in Fargo, North Dakota, has been blessed with a special gift: he’s able to slam dunk a basketball. This ability promised to change co-ed intramural basketball forever, if not for the catch: Hall promised to never dunk during regulation.

It is easy to see why it’s tempting for Hall to dunk. But, he continues to say that the reason he won’t is based off of many different things, such as the rules.

“I went to the captain’s meeting at the Fieldhouse and they had a slide on their slideshow that said “No dunking,” Hall said.

“So, at that point, I think I kind of knew that it wasn’t the reason God put me on Earth.

I guess that was when I decided it was something I didn’t want to do.”

“It was a tough decision,” Hall said, “I sat down with my friends and family and we spent some time talking about it. We talked about every possible outcome, and at the end of the day, we decided it was best that I stick to laying it up instead.”

The decision comes as a blessing to the other intramural teams across Grand Valley, but not for his own squad, the LakerLakers.

Hall’s teammate Jorgensen confesses that he thinks it would benefit the team if he

dunked.

“It would be so sick,” Jorgensen noted with a hint of longing. “We could, like, throw some sick [alley] oops to him, or he could, like, do a three-sixty dunk and posterize some people Blake Griffin-style. The amount of bitches that we could get to watch our games would be off the charts.”

Hall admitted that he felt that the decision to stay on the ground was a bit selfish, but in the end, was better for everyone.

“I want to pull hoes just as much as the next guy, I really do,” Hall admitted. “But, there are other ways to do that, like by making my free throws or stretching properly before the game. I’m confident my decision won’t affect the team too much.”

The type of generosity and patriotism that Hall has shown throughout the process is what makes him a model Laker. The decision has garnered a lot of attention. As his team now sits 2-0 in co-ed intramurals, the future seems bright for Hall. Nonetheless, he has yet to comment on his future.

8.) You’ve been asked to write something longer than a paragraph: What is wrong with professors? Do they think you’re made of time? You have other more important things to do, like watching Breaking Bad on Netflix or re-watching every single episode of How I Met Your Mother. You don’t have time to write.

7.) The professor has given a lecture about “putting forth effort”: This is a red flag, people. A giant one. Like, they took out the Cook Carillion Clock Tower and replaced it with a massive red flag begging you to drop the class. If your professor openly admits that you have to put in effort to pass their class, get out now.

6.) The class is before 11 a.m.: If for some crazy reason you were feeling optimistic while registering for classes and thought you’d get your days started early, fix that error now. Signing up for a morning class is dooming yourself to be locked in a room of crazed, awake, enthusiastic people. Don’t kid yourself, no amount of coffee or Adderall will turn you into a morning person.

5.) The class is about the history of statistics: Or any other subject that sounds like people suffocate in boredom just knowing it exists. Seriously though, run. Run until you get to the downtown campus, break down T. Haas’ door and collapse, shouting at the top of your lungs that you’re dropping the class.

4.) You failed the first test: The second that little notification comes up on Blackboard telling you the grade, drop it. If the first test wasn’t easy enough to ace with your eyes closed, it’s only getting worse. Drop the class.

3.) You forgot to do a homework assignment: You spent the night downloading Frozen, which was totally worth it, but when you get to class the next day, your elderly professor who likes to talk about the days before the Little Mac Bridge asks you for your essay. Don’t hesitate, tell them right there you’ve decided to drop the class, pack up your things and walk out.

2.) The kid you sit next to tries: If you’ve ended up next to that girl who has color coded tabs in her binder, wears cardigan sweaters, talks about spending all her free time at the Idema Pew Library, and is always asking pertinent questions, you’re screwed. You will always be the slacker compared to that girl, drop it.

1.) When in doubt: If you aren’t sure about whether you should drop a class or not, The Black Sheep says drop it. Need that credit to graduate? It’s okay, you can take it next semester. Who really needs to graduate anyway?

“I’m majoring in nursing,” Hall said, “But I’m open to offers. If some professional teams come calling, then yeah, I might answer.”

Fans have been expressing interest in having Hall stay in Michigan and play for the Pistons, but they have yet to show interest. However, the Detroit Shock have expressed interest in someone who can dunk, admitting a boy with a nursing major who could dunk would change the game forever.

Reportedly, Hall will decline the Shock’s offer, noting, “I can actually make some money being a nurse.”

05

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER BEEN WOKEN UP BY? David

“I was taking a nap and I looked outside and the tree in the front yard was falling towards the house, right where I was.”

Delaney

“Someone setting off the fire alarm when I was sick.”

Mitchell

“I’ve never been woken up by something weird but I’ve woken up in weird places...”

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER @THEBLACKSHEEP99

The Ravines:

Housing Demonic Forces Since 1973 BETSY MARTIN WROTE THIS Far on the north side of campus, where stoners light up and freshmen get lost in a square mile, there is a place where no human should ever tread: The Ravines.

The Ravines are a college student’s worst nightmare -cramped bedrooms, moldy ceiling tiles, refrigerators too small to hold any booze or pizza. Naturally, when the spirits are low and morale bottoms out, depressed Lakers gather around a hookah pipe to tell the legend of the Ravines Ghost.

Way back in 2010 there was a psychology major living in Laker Village with love on her mind. Tracey* had been on the dating circuit for months and in finding little success up in Nerdmeyer she decided she would take a little trip down to the Ravines to see if she could score with some athletes.

Her plan was innocent, but

Tracey never hooked up with a basketball stud, she didn’t even get puked on by a track star. Tracey’s date that night was something paranormal.

In years past, residents in the Ravines have noted odd occurrences that have never been fully investigated.

Brave boyfriends have checked out closets and behind shower curtains to discover the source of these disturbing moans and cackles, but to no avail.

The mystery deepened in ‘95 when a math major was found drowned in a bathtub. His roommates gave multiple statements alluding to a “sinister moaning”, and “creepy-asfuck laughing” that came from the bathroom an hour before they went to search for the deceased.

The university issued a brief statement, dismissing the tragedy as an accident.

The night Tracey visited the Ravines was particularly dark and ghoulish, which authorities attribute to the horrible implementation of Meatless Mondays. Tracey brought along a friend who she knew would be perfectly happy if Tracey needed to ditch her for a hot wrestler, and the two entered the house party with alcohol on their minds and breaths.

Throughout the night Tracey intermittently felt a disturbing presence around her, but she chalked it up to the mouth-breather who was orbiting her like a moon.

While washing her hands in the bathroom, she heard a gentle whispering coming from behind the moldy-ass shower curtain.

“Tracey.”

Whatever it was had spoken her name with a voice like velvet, but drunk Tracey

ignored the call and went back to take some shots.

Having broken the seal, Tracey went back to the bathroom several more times, with the whispering increasing in decibels and intensity. Only after her name was written in shaving cream on the mirror did Tracey suspect something was awry. She accepted the fact that she wasn’t getting any action and decided to head home, knowing her sloppy friend had left the party with the Domino’s delivery guy, yelling “I want extra cheese” out the window.

Tracey suddenly noticed the bathroom door was locked, and pulled on it several times in her drunken stupor.

In her panic, Tracey hadn’t noticed the ceiling tiles had been removed from over the shower. Tracey slammed the cabinets, looking for anything to pry open the

door when the shower curtain twitched behind her.

Something was moving in the bathtub, and it wasn’t some late night hookup, covered in Bacardi vomit and soap bubbles. The shower curtain pressed itself forward out of the tub, reaching toward Stacey, who began swatting at the sickeningly green plastic sheet. She kicked and fought the hand that was coming out of the shower curtain

and wrenched the ceramic top of the toilet off to defend herself.

Tracey kept screaming “Stranger danger!” The dark mass kept moving toward her, undeterred by Tracey’s efforts. Finally when it had a hand around her wrist it pulled her back toward the bathtub, sucking her through the shower curtain and up into the hole made in the ceiling. Tracey’s screams were drowned out by the

beat of “Rude Boy.” When asked about that fateful night, Tracey’s friend admitted she remembered hardly anything. She did however make a rather callous comment about the tragedy.

“Domino’s before hoes.” *Names have been changed out of respect for the family of the victim.

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50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour

WEDNESDAY Flip Night: 3pm-10pm We will flip a coin for your tab!

Beer and food both included!

Heads you pay, tails we pay. (see in store for details)

$5 Burritos or 50 Cent Wings

$5 Pitchers (3pm-10pm)

$10 Carafes

Karaoke 9:30-close

Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)

Saturday

$3.99 Spiked Bull

All Week Long!

50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour

Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)

Sunday

$3.50 Bloody Mary

Pool Tournaments

$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)

Monday

$5.99 Burger & Draft Combo

$6 Burger & Brew

$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)

35 Cent Wings, College Night

$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)

All Pizzas $10

Flip Night: 3pm-10pm We will flip a coin for your tab!

Beer and food both included!

Heads you pay, tails we pay. (see in store for details)

SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday Friday

Tuesday Wednesday

Come Check Out Our $5 Lunch Menu!

55 Cent Wings Thursdays! $1 Off Martinis 4pm-close

55 Cent Wings Tuesdays! $1 Off Craft Drafts 4pm-close

$2.25 Glass House Wine & $10 Bottle House Wine

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T N E M E G A N A M

DAILY HAPPY HOUR! 4pm TO 6:30pm WITH 20% OFF HOOKAHS

The Bar Grid WEDNESDAYS! 1/2 off all drinks

TUESDAYS! $2 U-Call-Its 9 to Midnight with DJ MattB

Happy Hour: Monday-Friday $2.75 20oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Well Drinks

WEDNESDAY: TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

$1.50 Rolling Rock and Brooklyn Lager Cans, $2 PBR and Miller Highlife Cans, $3 Boddington and Strongbow Cans $5 Vodka Redbulls, $3 Wells, and Sex on the Beach

$4 Long Islands, $3 Domestics, $5 Vodka RedBulls, $6 Sandwich+Beer Special

9pm-Midnight: $2-$3-$2 U-Call-Its $3.99 Boneless Chicken Dinger Platters

$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles

Thursday

3 Floor Friday! Upstairs: $5 Corona and Tequila Shot | Main: $5 Highlight and Whiskey Shot Basement: $5 PBR and Jager Shot

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm, DJ Danimal @ 10pm

9pm-Midnight: $3 Captain Morgan cocktails $3 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Cocktails

$4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers

Friday

Any 2 menu items and a bottle of wine or pitcher of beer for $30

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm, Nightly Shot Special

Noon-6pm: $2 Domestic Pints 9pm-Midnight: $3 Long Islands and $5 Bulldozers

$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts

Saturday

Come Check us Out on Wednesday’s for 1/2 off drinks!

Half-off Happy Hour ‘til 8pm, DJ Laudie @ 7pm, $6 Sandwich+Beer Special

Brunch Buffet: 8am-2pm $2.00 Well Drinks All Day

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Sunday

$1.50 Rolling Rock, PBR, Miller Highlife After 9pm: $2 Select Shots $5 Vodka Redbulls

$1.50 PBR Drafts, $3 Fireball, Jameson & Hager

$2.99 Margaritas All Day! $3.99 Peach/Raspberry/Mango and Banana Margaritas All Day $3.99 Taco Basket

$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers

Monday

$5 Patron Shots $2.50 Corona/Corona lt. bottles After 9pm: $3 Wells, $2 Domestic Bottles, $1.50 Select Shots

$2 U-Call-Its 9 to Midnight with DJ MattB

9pm-Midnight: $3 U-Call-Its & $3.99 1/2 Burgers Karaoke with Deb from 9pm-1am

$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light

Tuesday

$1.50 High Life, $3 Fireball, $5 Jager Bombs

9pm-Midnight: $4 Martinis $4.99 Pitchers of PBR $3.99 Select Appetizers

TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

Wednesday

1/2 off all drinks

SPECIAL NIGHT

the crossword ACROSS: 3) The drummer of The Roots.

5) Legendary drag queen famous for saying, “You better work.”

6) Eccentric, blinged-out pianist.

7) Most famous Icelandic performer.

8) Producer and rapper, also the name of a shoe brand.

9) This massive basketball player often goes by just his first name.

11) This singer went by just a symbol at one point.

13) High-end Italian fashion company.

15) His first and middle name was Wolfgang Amadeus.

16) “Yo dog, I heard you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while you drive.”

19) Italian model with gorgeous hair.

famous one-word people 4) “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”

5) Her instagram name is badgalriri.

10) Blue Ivy’s mother.

11) Famous Native American associated with the colonial settlement of Jamestown, Virginia.

12) The best-selling female recording artist of all time.

14) This “L.E.S. Artistes” real name is Santi White.

17) He’s got two turntables and a microphone.

18) The breakout star of D12.

DOWN: 1) This rapper biggest hit was 2006’s “Ridin’.”

2) Lead singer of The Smiths.

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Relationship Status: Single Major: Secondary education group social studies, English minor

BARTENDER

Favorite Drink: RumChata Favorite Shot: Buttery Nipple- Baileys and butterscotch

ROCKSTAR OF THE WEEK Luke of Mugshots

DRINKING GAME Bar Hop Hide-n-Seek

Some words to describe the current state of your checking account: Never where I want it to be.

If you had to compete in one thing to save the earth, what would that thing be?: A physique competition.

Disgusting Drink: The Kraken Black Spiced Rum

What euphemism for sex is your favorite and why?: “You’re definitely in my top three...”

Who was the best bar patron you’ve ever had?: A regular named John, because he is the most interesting man I’ve ever met, that’s a nice way of putting it. Everyone who knows him would agree.

What’s something you believe in that other people think you’re crazy for believing?: I literally believe anybody can be anything they want to be, which is why I’m going to be a teacher.

What drink best encapsulates your dancing style?: Let’s just say... Tequila.

Say, do you know where I can score some Percocet?: Just got my prescription, for enough money I could hook you up.

Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: Probably under this counter by the ice.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s the closest thing to The Onion around here.

RECIPE for DISASTER Stupid Salad

Yeah, drinking in a bar can be fun, but doesn’t it get a little boring after a while? That’s why you need to bar hop across campus. And not only that, but bar hop in style as well. Here’s a game that will keep you interested… and drunk!

You need some brain power before your big exam? You don’t know what kind of food will give you more of that power? Neither do we! We’re not scientists. Going green is probably your safest bet, so get off the couch and light up the grill! You’ve got a stupid salad to make, stupid.

What You’ll Need: A group of friends, $10-15 per person and enough energy to bar hop for a few hours.

Number of Players: Preferably at least seven people – one person to hide and six others to split into groups of two or three.

Level of Intoxication: Depends on how good of a guesser you are!

What You’ll Need: One package of lettuce (it will look just like a bag of green leaves), one handful of croutons, ¼ pound of grilled chicken (don’t grab a real chicken, they will bite) and a bottle of thousand island dressing. Make sure you only buy one, not a thousand. Stupid.

Cook Time: You’ve got nothing but time.

Fatty Factor: Lettuce has negative calories.

How to Play: - Meet your friends at your favorite bar on campus. Find a place to sit and order a drink.

- Have everyone take out $10-15 and throw it in the middle of the table.

- Chug your drinks. First one to finish grabs the money in the pot and heads out to a different bar.

- The losers must stay behind and order at least one more drink.

- The person with the money hides at another bar on campus, drinking with the money given to him or her. Don’t be a dick, though. Don’t buy rounds for the whole bar.

- After waiting 20 minutes and finishing their drinks, the losers must split up into two teams to go out to find the hidden friend.

- Every time a team enters a bar to find the person with the pot money, they must order at least one drink while searching there.

-The teams continue to search for the missing friend, going from bar to bar on campus.

- The person with the pot money is not allowed to leave their bar once they have gone inside.

Let’s Get Baked: - Put the lettuce in the bowl. What are you, stupid?

- Warm up a skillet to, like, 7 or 8 or medium-high on your stove or whatever.

- Put the slab of chicken on the grill and cook until there’s no more pink on the meat or else you’ll get salmonella (salmonella = puke-ma-nella).

- OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THE KNIFE! - Safely use your knife to cut up your grilled chicken and mix it in the bowl with your lettuce and croutons - Pour some thousand island dressing on it, and you’ve got yourself a stew! (You’ll actually have a salad. Stupid.)

The Game Ends When: A team finds the hidden friend and continues to drink away the remaining money in the pot with him or her.

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The Black Sheep: Early on when you guys were still trying to get your name out there, were promoters apprehensive to book a hip-hop/jazz live electronic act?

Jeremy Salken: It was definitely a challenge in the beginning. Both of us had been in groups before so we had a lot of experience looking for promoters, digging through JamBase, looking for venues, and trying to find contacts. We were super lucky that early on we kind of both said to each other that we want to do this right. We didn’t want to pick just any show, we wanted to make sure we’re making the most of any gig we do and that we’re getting in front of the audience that we needed.

Kind of along with that, we were lucky to team up with Sound Tribe in the beginning of our career and that got us in front of a crowd that had similar music taste, so we weren’t just in front of random people staring at us like, “What the hell are you doing?”

TBS: How has the demographic of your crowds changed since Big Gigantic started touring?

JS: Oh man, it’s interesting; it actually got a lot younger. In the beginning the focus was on a lot of over-21 shows. All our shows went from twelve to two or one to three in the morning, we’d play these super late shows. That was the thing, especially opening for Sound Tribe and then doing late nights for them, we’d be playing to these older kids. Then we noticed as EDM got a lot more popular that the age dropped and all the sudden there were freshmen and sophomores in college coming out, then there were high schoolers. As it got younger we started playing earlier to accommodate doing 18+ shows.

So, there were things like that, that were sort of techniques we were using to get everyone we could involved, because ultimately we just want to play for everybody that we possibly can. There’s no reason to cut anybody out. It’s been cool to see the younger fanbase come into the genre, ‘cause they’re all really positive. Our shows are some of the first concerts they’ve ever been to, and I think you get a different bond with the band because of that. It’s nothing but love and you guys just wanna have a good time.

TBS: Totally. How have you guys evolved your writing process and kept your sound fresh over the years?

JS: Dom handles the writing, and while it’s evolved a little bit, it’s always pretty much been the same. He’s really into checking out as many different styles of music as possible, and that’s what we both did on our instruments growing up. We would want to learn a style, or if you were in a group you’d try to play that and mimic it. He’s taken that concept into producing and he’ll hear a tone that Skrillex or Bassnectar or Dylan does, you know anybody really. He’ll be like, “Okay cool. I want to see if I can take that and put my own spin on it and make it my own.”

The way he writes, because he’s so knowledgeable with music since he went to school for that is probably a little different than most producers. He has a really heavy knowledge of chords, structure, modes and all those things that evoke different emotions which really helps him write more intricate, emotional songs. Not that one approach is better than the other; we’re just trying to do something new with it.

TBS: That’s really the whole point of it, right? Creating something unique to you.

JS: Yeah, exactly. The songs evolve and that’s got us psyched about the new album. It’s another evolution of Big G.

TBS: Talking about the next evolution, for your new album The Night is Young did you guys go in with a theme or concept behind it?

JS: Not really. It started pretty organically with Dom trying to make these tracks about what he’s feeling at that time, trying to stay true to the Big G sound but also push it forward at the same time. I mean, we’ve been working on it for the last year and a half. He’s really been working on these tracks, we’ve been playing them live for a little bit and tweaking them based on crowd reactions. We’re constantly in the process of evolving the tune and finally we reached a spot where we’re like, “this is good, let’s put it out.”

TBS: Big Gigantic’s been around for a while now, it’s essentially a staple in the live electronic scene. How did it feel when you realized that this was something you were going to be able to do as a career?

JS: It’s still crazy to me that we’re able to do what we do. When we first went into it, we had both been in bands before and had done pretty much every kind of gig you could do from weddings to jazz clubs, I’ve even played a gig at Target before. When I was doing that I’d make $50 here and there, if I made $100 I was psyched. My reality then was that if I wanted to play music I was going to have to find a job to supplement my income.

We were really fortunate that with Big G after about a two year span we realized that this is not only a full time job but a realistic way to support ourselves. Obviously, you have to keep touring to do that.

TBS: That’s something I’ve noticed. You guys do some serious touring. On your current tour you’ve got maybe four days off throughout the whole thing.

JS: Yeah, it’s kind of crazy. We’re literally doing like 20-something shows in 25 days, but it’s gonna be really fun. We’re hitting some really good markets, everybody’s psyched and the dates are selling really well. We’re only going for about three and a half weeks so we wanted to make it as action packed as we could and little digs just kept popping up, we have a run of like nine shows back to back. It’s gonna be a good one for sure.

TBS: How planned out are your sets since you have the live instruments, sax and drums, to work with?

JS: There’s sort of a general outline of that Dom has in his Ableton set, but the way he has Ableton set up he can bounce around between pretty much all of our tracks. So, there isn’t really setlist that a band might have, but there’s an outline that he can adjust depending on what the crowd is into.

TBS: On the album’s title track, you guys collaborated with Cherub. How’d that come about?

JS: Well those guys have been homies for a while and Dom has worked on tracks of theirs before and we’ve always talked about doing a track with them. This new album just seemed like a perfect time to do something, so we hit those guys up and were really lucky to get them on. I think that track is something people are gonna love.

It’s something a little different, we never really do stuff with vocals.

TBS: Any news acts coming up that you’re really excited about?

JS: Man, there’s so much stuff out there. Cashmere Cat is super dope.

Really into Flume, he’s great and definitely pushing boundaries.

The guys opening up for us on the tour, Manic Focus and Gladiator, they’re doing some really cool shit. There’s just a lot of good music out there right now.

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