Grand Valley - Issue 3 - 9/25/2014

Volume 3

The Black Sheep

BUD FREE DY ! LIK FIN E W ALL HEN YB A I L YO U R S YO UO UT.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 3

The Official Guide to Laker Pooping Jeff Perry wrote this

We all know from our childhood that everyone poops, but where everyone poops is one of the biggest discussions nobody has. We all want something comfortable and spacious, a place that feels like home. So when doodie calls while you’re out and about Laker Country, here are some spots that you may want to keep in mind.

Lower Mackinac C-Wing: Many people forget that Mackinac is more than just “Freshmanland” for LIB courses and every gen-ed in the university. Nearly every bathroom in this building has a vacant stall or two at all times. However, if you want seclusion, the C-wing is the way to go. This is not for those in need to squeeze one out immediately, as this will require some exploring and perhaps a map. But once you make it, it’ll be like finding the Holy Grail. There are also secret bathrooms located behind corners (try section A) and behind the elevator (by the C-Store) with spacious stalls and decent upkeep. You may even manage to get Wi-Fi on your phone so you can scroll through Reddit or look at cat videos so as to literally shit and giggle.

Loutit-Padnos Conjunction: In the lower level of Loutit Lecture Halls and Henry Hall there is a little bathroom in a crevasse near the stairs from the main floor to the lower floor of Padnos. Just walk by the computer labs in Henry and near the exit doors facing the new science building are some stairs; immediately to your right is this hidden oasis. This is one of the best places for you to toot freely without bother. These restrooms are very similar to coach seating on an airplane: many stalls, but you may bump into those next to you while trying to get comfortable. Also, wireless is available with no problem; get your Kanye West playlist at the ready so you can listen to shit while taking a shit.

Student Services: If you’re in a pinch to pinch one off, the best place to be is the Student Services Building. There is a bathroom, you just need to follow the signs to the hallway it’s in, that seems to always be vacant. If you get pressure building up inside, you can head there. What better way for GVSU to serve you than with a porcelain throne? It only seems appropriate.

2nd Floor of the Connection: First of all, yes, there is a second floor to the Connection; the stairs are just outside of Papa John’s. While researching for this article, there was an eerie vibe from that ghost town of a place. If you prefer a place where no one passes, there is a bathroom near the back stairwell—empty about 90% of the time—that offers comfort as well as solitude for the less-than-subtle number twos you may have on campus. It is a great place to have a cup of joe and read the morning paper.

Atrium in the Mary Idema Pew Library: The cream of the crop of all campus bathrooms is the library’s atrium. It offers wireless Internet, brand new stalls, and automatic sinks that actually work the way you’ve always dreamed. Tucked behind the grand staircase, it’s easy to miss. However, once you embrace it in all of its glory, you will understand what it’s like to be able to publicly defecate while still feeling at home.

So if you have an hour to kill and need a place to sit, the new library is the place to be.

If you’re in the need to go boom-boom, keep in mind these places, and if you think of any places we may have missed, tweet @TheBlackSheepGV with #LakerPoops!

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PAGES 12-13

STUDENTS START CAMPAIGN TO BRING ULTIMATE GAME DAY EXPERIENCE

GVSU LINES RAVINE TRAILS WITH COCAINE

ISIS LEADER TO BE SECRET CHARACTER IN NEW SUPER SMASH BROS. GAME

LET’S ALL TRY TO STAY AT THE GAME PAST HALFTIME, SHALL WE?

THE UNIVERSITY IS NOW ENJOYING RECORDBREAKING ENROLLMENT RATES!

WARIO HAS NOTHING ON ABU BAKR AL-BAGHDADI.

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SEPTEMBER 25th, 2014 - OCTOBER 1st, 2014

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MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

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Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE MISSISSIPPI MEATHOOK “Man, 18-year-olds are starting to look younger and younger.”

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

CABBIN’IT A man or woman who refuses to walk anywhere.

Peter, a total cabbin’it, handed the driver a $5 for the 1/8th mile ride to 7-Eleven.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is.

Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Nicknamed “The Polar Bear.”

2

Drives “The Crow’s Nest.”

3

Based in Kelowna, British Columbia.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @THEBLACKSHEEPGV

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STUDENT STARTS CAMPAIGN TO BRING

ULTIMATE GAME DAY EXPERIENCE Claire Fisher wrote this With football season upon us, students clad themselves in GVSU apparel, crowd themselves into Lubbers Stadium, and prepare to stand for hours in belowfreezing temperatures they’re too drunk to feel. Despite this apparent enthusiasm for Grand Valley football, students continue the tradition of a mass exodus during halftime to a party where they are inevitably followed by the wrath of GVPD. The Black Sheep interviewed junior Evan Styles on the topic.

Evan attended his first GV football game last fall: “At first it was super-exciting,” Evan said, “The stands were filled but all of the sudden half-time came and people started leaving. I thought maybe everyone just had to pee, but nobody came back.”

Exhilarated by Grand Valley’s football excellence, Evan concluded that something terrible must have happened

to his fellow students to make them miss the ending to such a good game. Seeing a police officer driving off on his Segway, Evan decided to follow. Jogging just behind the Segway, Evan finally caught up with the police officer as they arrived at the party of the year. Relieved to find his fellow students unharmed, Evan stared in wonder at the scene: “I was so glad to see them all having a good time, but then I noticed a bunch of people getting pulled aside by GVPD, getting MIPs, and crying about not getting into medical school. It totally ruined their day.”

Approaching an officer, Evan politely requested that the police force stop ruining the fun. While sympathizing with Evan’s plea, the GVPD officer had this to say: “If students didn’t make it so easy to track ‘em all out of the stadium to the party after half-time, I probably wouldn’t try to follow them, these Segways don’t really

go very far.”

Inspired by the officer’s apathetic words Evan decided to start the “Party Right” campaign to save his classmates from the cruel fate of dealing with the GVPD and the subsequent MIPs. “I was thinking if the police couldn’t find students partying, they couldn’t give ‘em MIPs.” The basis of Evan’s game day campaign is an elaborate party sequence which involves moving the party every hour to a new location. Evan and his fellow campaigners spend the entire week leading up to game day plotting the party locations. Taking advantage of Grand Valley’s excellent relations with the Ride the Rapid bus system, Evan has even arranged for buses to pick up students and take them to the next party location.

Another component of the campaign

involves partying during the football game instead of attending, using the game as a decoy for unsuspecting GVPD officers.

In order to keep GVPD out of the party, members of the campaign call in every 10 minutes reporting underage drinking at the game. In order to steer students away from the football game and into the party, Evan and his crew stand outside Lubbers Stadium holding signs that read “Just Don’t,”“Why bother?” and “It’s too cold for this.”

Recently, Evan received numerous complaints from the GVPD. The department received a $7,000 grant this year so they could increase the police

force and hand out more MIPs. They have been significantly impeded by the “Party Right” campaign as they find themselves driving chaotically around campus on their Segways trying to figure out where all the partying students are and not handing out any MIPs. Students, on the other hand, seem to be in full support of Evan’s campaign. Many students report having received fewer MIPs than ever before and some have even stated that they felt like they were attending a real party. “With the help of the ‘Just Right’ campaign,” Evan said, “There might even be students who stay at GV for Halloween instead of driving to MSU.”

BLACK SHEEP INVESTIGATES

THE TOP TEN Places to Hide When Skipping Class Perhaps you have a crippling need to strive for perfection and become anxious when such desires cannot be met. Or… maybe you just don’t like chemistry. Whatever the reason, here are some places to avoid professors, friends, fellow students, or anyone else who might make you feel guilty about skipping class.

10.) The Tunnel Connecting Mackinac and Manitou: If you enjoy the aesthetic of a 1950s insane asylum complete with beige concrete walls and the smell of mold, book a stay for an hour or two while you skip class. Getting Wi-Fi here is sketchy so you might actually have to, ugh, read.

9.) Crowded Lecture Halls: In a class of roughly 100, no one is going to notice a rogue wanderer.

Just make sure not to sit in some else’s “self-assigned” seat. Another class is the last place anyone would think to look for someone skipping class.

Writing Center Plans

World Takeover Teresa Williams wrote this

Most students who visit the Fred Meijer Center for Writing and Michigan Authors, also known as the Writing Center, have one: a teal pen with swirly, calligraphy white that reads “I <3 Writing.” Practically the trademarked logo of the Writing Center, these pens can be found all around campus. What possible plans do those working at the Writing Center—those who work to spread these pens—have for us? Are they simply kind people who only want to share and promote a deep and unconditional love for writing? Or is it part of a large-scale takeover? The Black Sheep investigated.

A first-year Writing Center employee, Mary Ann Schultz, shared her opinion on the neverending supply of pens: “It’s not normal,” she informed us. Before continuing, she glanced around and lowered her voice to a whisper.

“At first, I thought the pens were cute. Fun, you know? Great exposure. But lately I’ve been noticing that they’re everywhere I go.

Whether it’s filling out paperwork at the counseling center or asking to borrow a pen from other students, they’re there. Even in my apartment! I always knew I had just one laying around, but I recently discovered 60 more. I don’t know how. I don’t remember taking that many. And everyone at the Writing Center I asked seemed to think it was fine.”

The Black Sheep was able to find an expert, Marvin Bic, who has devoted his life to uncovering this mostly unexplored topic.

Mr. Bic founded the National Society for the Restraint and Imprisonment of Hostile Pens organization (NSRIHP), dedicated to searching for answers on how people may use pens for criminal activity.

“The Grand Valley Writing Center particularly interested me because of the quantity of pens being distributed. There are so many! Where are they getting them? Why is the university providing so many? I’m from downtown Grand Rapids, and even I recently discovered some at places there, like in restaurants and businesses. Luckily when I asked someone was able to point out GV, and I’ve been conducting a thorough investigation ever since,” Mr. Bic told us. “My expert opinion is that it’s only a matter of time before the Grand Valley Writing Center begins a fullscale invasion—and it all starts with these innocuous pens.”

The pieces all fit together. Experts in this particular field of interest are investigating the student workers at the Writing Center, suspecting them of terrorist activity through distribution and use of the pens. Though Mr. Bic may not have a PhD-- and sure his entire apartment smelled like weed and there were maybe a few dozen My Little Pony collector items—he’s an expert in the field, having worked on his theory for at least six months in his basement. He even has seven business cards with the NSRIHP logo he designed using MS Publisher to inform people of his Writing Center suspicions.

Clearly there is much more going on at the Writing Center than most of us are aware.

The Black Sheep wants to caution its readers against taking any more of those pens from the room or workers. Yes the pens are free, but is a possible global takeover worth your acceptance of a pen that cost five cents to make? We as a community may still have the chance to stop the Writing Center before they begin phase two: highlighters.

8.) The Bushes Outside the Alumni House: For you earthy types, the landscaping around the Alumni House is a great place to start that essay due before midnight. No one even walks past the Department of Public Safety, so you’ll be safe here for sure.

7.) Inside the Clock Tower: Referred to as the Cook-Carillon Tower by obnoxious smartasses, the clock tower offers a great view when you want to skip class. Sure, you’ll go deaf, but you’ll never be late again. You will also be well hidden as everyone is too busy Instagramming the tower at sunset to notice you.

6.) Band Practice: Even if you can’t play an instrument, you can pretend the electric triangle is a thing. The good news is they’re always practicing, so hiding here is always an option. Of course, the bad news is they are always practicing.

5.) The Ravines: Put the “valley” back in Grand Valley! Show some school spirit by hiding in the ravines. Make sure you have a means of climbing back up to Little Mac otherwise you’ll have to be air-lifted out. Sweet.

4.) Fresh Food Co.: It is a guarantee that you will not run into your professor at Fresh. In fact, you will not run into anyone at Fresh Food Co., simply because it’s an oxymoron—no one willingly goes there. Fresh is far from fresh and not even fuzzy dice hanging in a review mirror would help their image at this point.

3.) A 50 Bus: Just hop on a bus heading downtown and say “hasta la vista” to Spanish 102. Ride it around until class is over and then ride it twice more because you fell asleep and missed your stop. Again.

2.) Your Professor’s Office: During class hours, your prof’s office is the Promised Land, a mirage in the middle of a desert. Get intimate with his/her office, make yourself some pumpkin spice chai tea and cuddle up with the new young adult quadrilogy. Settle in because you’re never going to see your professor again.

1.) Your apartment/dorm: Instead of doing all of the above, you could just stay home. Ya know, like a normal person. People may look for you there but that’s what locked doors are for.

Julie Nichols wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT WAS THE LAST REGRETTABLE PURCHASE YOU MADE? Adam, Senior

“I bought a MacBook Pro but I had to sell it.

I miss it every day...”

Dustin, Junior

“I bought a DVD drive for my computer, but it only writes. So watching Back Door Sluts 9 wasn’t possible.”

Charles, Senior

“I bought a Menorah last holiday season, but once I remembered I wasn’t Jewish I immediately regretted it.”

06

War Imminent Between

Grand Valley Fraternities and Sororities Shardae Rudel Wrote This

This semester, GV grew one step closer to becoming one of the “big kids” universities by adding its very own Greek Row just off of campus. The Greek Row is home to one fraternity and five sororities, costing a reported $20 million to construct.

Since the move-in, reports have been pouring in of rising tensions between the Greek houses.

“It’s almost as if something in the air has changed,” Phi Sigma Sigma member Fiona Simmons said. “It’s darker… more ominous.”

Greek houses not moving into the Row feel ignored, like a goldfish you forgot to feed. Reports have surfaced that the debate has grown violent. One passerby noticed two members of dif-

ferent sororities in a verbal tussle outside the Cook Carillon Tower between classes.

Shipments of squirt guns, stink bombs, and copies

For GVSU students, attending major sporting events is free (club events are still a workin-progress). As if that’s not enough initiative to embrace the Laker Spirit, there’s an added bonus: free t-shirts. Only those with impeccable patience and the ability to stand for hours in line without snack breaks are the ones who get freebies. For students who are looking for way to obtain free Laker garb, here are some tips: 5.) Get there early: Like, really early. In fact, get there the day before. At dawn. Consider investing in a Laker-themed tent to really show your dedication and desire for free t-shirts.

4.) Rent a tall person for the day: For the two or three times that the GV pep squad catapults the shirts into the student section, pay some tall guy or gal to catch one for you. Be warned: One size does not fit all.

“One was shouting about how she thought the other was letting the new house get to her head, then the other girl shoved her,” sophomore Tom Rice said. “It was pretty rad.”

The actions didn’t escalate beyond that, but Alpha Sigma Tau member Harriet Burns warned that if the problem persists, war could be upon them: “I don’t want to have to resort to drastic measures, but we have to defend ourselves. If war is our only option, then war we shall have.”

HOW TO GET A FREE T-SHIRT AT GV HOME GAMES

3.) Bribe a friend. Or a stranger: For those of you who think showing up early or paying someone to get one is too much effort, try bribing a friend, colleague, or hobo to get one for you. They could wait in line for you, sneak into the stadium, or even catch a grenade for you if the price is right. of Sun-Tzu’s The Art of War have been seen arriving at Greek Row. While an official declaration has not yet been made, the prospects of all-out battle are increasing each passing hour as presidents of the involved sororities and frats send out group iMessages telling their brothers and sisters to prepare for war.

“Defend our new home-

land,” read one message sent by Alpha Sigma Phi vice president Dean Howell.

“Load the cannons, raise the sails, and stock up on Polo shirts. We might not get a chance to wear them again.”

Word is not yet available on whether or not the rest of campus should give a damn but one GDI interviewed noted, “This is stupid and I don’t care.”

2.) Cut everyone in line: Walk right past them and saunter in. Go on. Just to see what happens. Will they call you out on it? Won’t they? There’s only one way to find out!

1.) Throw a tantrum: Revert back to the good ol’ days where crying and shouting got you everything you wanted. Remember when you didn’t have to move to take a dump?

Just like that! The people scanning the tickets will likely panic and throw a t-shirt your way to make you shut up, just like mommy used to do.

Shardae Rudel Wrote This

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MENNASJOINT.COM The Bar Grid

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

10897 48th AVE, SUITE B100 ALLENDALE, MI • (616) 895-3827

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

SPECIAL NIGHT

Monday - Friday! Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

Industry Special Everyday!

12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Industry Specials All Day Sun- Thurs: 33% Off Drinks for Restaurant/Bar Employees

FRIDAY! $3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Thursday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. $3 Beer Geek craft beer specials

College Night DJ Kane & Jenny Disko 50% Off Drinks Open-12 Because Thursday ends at Midnight

$4 Microbrews Boneless Chicken Dinger Platter

Friday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

9/26: DJ Grooves & DJ D-Wrek 10/3: Drill Team, Richard Oxygenn, and Zach Bletz

$3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Saturday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

9/27: Skin Jacket, Small Town Harlot & Broken Like Me 10/4: 61Syx Presents Sefon & Goblin

$2 Domestic Pints Noon-6 $5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands

Sunday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday!

12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Sunday Funday - NFL Ticket $3 Flavored Vodka, $2 Wells $2 Domestics DJ Laud-E after 9pm

$3.99 Bloody Marys 9-Midnight

Monday

Mug Club Night! Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

Open Mic/ Hippy Jam Band Night $2 Wells, $2 Domestics $1 Off Michigan Beers $2 Fireball

$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips

Tuesday

Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

Beat the Clock Specials Starting at 8 til Midnight $2 Wells All Night DJ Turk Lo

$3 You-Call-Its 1/2lb. Hamburger & Fries

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2 lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

Wayback Wednesdays With DJ Richard Oxygenn He plays songs from the 90’s And we have prices from the 90’s $1.50 Retro Cans, $2 Drink Specials

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

Wednesday

L IVE BE T T ER. L IVE HERE. NEW FOR 2014-2015: COTTAGES! PREMIUM KITCHENS, WOOD FLOORS, FULL FURNISHINGS, LAUNDRY AND BONUS ROOM, 12 MONTH LEASES, 52” LCD TVs, AND MORE! COTTAGES • TOWNHOMES • APARTMENTS

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The Bar Grid 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

Happy Hour! 4-6pm Monday - Friday, 2-6pm Saturday & Sunday: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5 off all Burgers (the creature excluded) w/ purchase of a beverage from 6 to 11pm (Dine-In Only) Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Thursday

$4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers

$4 Long Islands Beer and Shot Specials Dance party every Friday!

Great DJ with a club atmosphere!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Friday

Rotating Drink Specials!

Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts

$5 Mully’s Blue Drinks 16oz., 7 liquors ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Happy Hour 2-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Saturday

$3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day!

Closed Like Us on Facebook!

1/2 off Apps Starting at 8pm $2 Wells, Greek Night ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Rehab Brunch and Shit Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar from Noon to 5pm 1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and Founders Draft, Barfly ½ off night

Sunday

Happy Hour 4-7! Team Trivia 7-9! $3 Drafts 7-9PM, $3 Calls 9-12AM

$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers

Karaoke at 9pm $1.75 Bartender’s Choice Shots ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Drunken Retort 9-11pm: $3 Liquor Special $2 Rolling Rock, $3 Sangria by the Glass Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft, $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Monday

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM

$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light

Laker Night! $2 Wells Pitcher and Shot Specials Featuring over a dozen beer, shot and cocktail specials!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Tuesday

Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

Wings! $0.50 Traditional Wings 6 wings with Domestic Pint for $4.99 ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-7, Mon-Fri $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks $2 Off Apps

WEDNESDAY: TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

Tuesday!

Laker Night! $2 Wells Pitcher and Shot Specials Too many to list!

$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles

PBR Progression: $0.50 Drafts at 7pm Price Rises Every 30 Minutes ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Employee Handbook 2014

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

1

Happy Hour 4-7!

Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu (8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

CURRENT EVENTS

GVSU Lines Ravine Trails with Cocaine Enjoys Record-Breaking Enrollment Rates Logan Bailey wrote this The Ravine Trails at Grand Valley have been a source of moderate annoyance for the university administration for years. The Little Mac Bridge has been under construction several times in its brief history. Rather than just add more gravel or ruin the natural landscape with more concrete, the administrators have opted for a more sufficient option: cocaine.

Spanning across the entire Ravines, the cocaine adds a natural, meandering illusion to the barren area. Administrators believe the drug has strong fertilizing properties as well as an aesthetically pleasing look.

Just north of the beautiful coke stream, one can see the rapidly expanding “town” that has grown off the banks.

The shanty town, calling itself Haasville, has become the fastest growing form of student housing this year. Several students have

actually moved out of their assigned, already-paid-for dorms and apartments mid-semester to move to the much smaller quarters.

The homes are four-feet-by-fourfeet and are made from different materials such as taped cardboard, plywood of various thicknesses, and umbrellas and coats stapled together. The residents don’t mind though, all they want is to be close to their new favorite crutch.

“It’s a really lovely community,” said student resident Samantha Pristine. “We are a super, great, fun, fantastic, on fire, never-sleeping commune of loving students! We don’t care that there’s no pool, electricity, heat, or roofs. We have each other. And our cocaine.”

Grand Valley has reported a record number of new student enrollments, as well as a significant decrease in the graduation rate because of Haasville. Even seniors who’ve met all requirements to

graduate are choosing to stay in the newly renovated Ravines.

“I just kind of figured I’d wait it out,” said third-year senior Ralph Fonch.

“We got it pretty good down here, you know, with the free housing and blow and stuff.” GPA averages increased slightly at the beginning of the semester but has since seen a downturn as students moved to Haasville, a trend that is probably going to stick as more discover the drug and subsequently lose their minds.

The Grand Valley administration has refused to comment or act, which suggests they are enjoying the rise in enrollment.

Since its initial conception, Haasville has seen several improvements. The residents have erected a sign made of meter sticks and blood, a watering hole dug beneath Little Mac, and three stolen porta-potties.

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STATE-LOW MINIMUM! CAMPUS PARTY STORE

4814 LAKE MICHIGAN DR, SUITE 200, ALLENDALE IN THE PLAZA BETWEEN JIMMY JOHNS AND BIGGBY COFFEE • FB.COM/CAMPUSPARTYSTORE • @ CAMPUSPARTYSTOR

“It’s like we’ve really become a singular unit,” said self-appointed RA Paul Lopez. “Now that we have toilets, we aren’t gonna take any shit from no one.”

But it isn’t all sweet, sweet cocaine and potties, violence has been on the rise at Grand Valley since the shanty town’s conception. Several complaints of students being chased and screamed at by other students have been reported.

“They just snap at you. You just look at them and they attack,” said North A resident John Fibbitts.

“Whatever you do, don’t make eye contact on the bus.”

The most frequent complaint, however, is of a band of “powdertrolls” harassing students that try to cross the bridge. Reports state that as students reach the center, two groups of Haasville residents appear on either side. Once they surround the students, the shanty

town residents kick and scream until the victims give up their money and swear to “Stay away from their booger-sugar.”

Grand Valley has still yet to publically condemn Haasville, but has just released a series of billboards that read: “Cocaine –how go-getters get there,” depicting a Grand Valley graduate holding several diplomas.

Administration still denies

involvement, but students know better.

“I mean they put the drugs there, so they obviously want us to use it,” said student Sarah Creamish, “Thanks Grand Valley!”

You can apply to be a resident of Haasville by simply proving your addiction to cocaine to a current resident, and/or claiming a section in the Ravines before another crackhead does.

, hought t d n a p *!t.” then ck Shee s a l s i B h e t h an dT etter th ver rea b e g e n i ’v h u et If yo rite som w d l u co “Man, I

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p e e h s k theblac Print • Mobile • Online

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 10 RE ut of O SC 6 o

1) Word Meanings: What word, meaning “unable to speak,” colloquially means an unintelligent person?

2) Movies: What famous sci-fi flick is based off the Philip K. Dick book Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep??

3) Fun Facts: Who is currently the richest person in the world?

4) History: What event of galactic importance occurred on July 20th, 1969?

5) Populations: After India and China, what’s the third most populated country in the world?

SOCIOLOGY PROFESSOR JOEL STILLERMAN

THE DRINKING GAME

6) Literature: The Caldecott Medal is awarded each year to the best of this kind of book.

7) Reality TV: What TV channel hosts reality TV show Dance Moms?

8) Money: Who is on the $50 bill?

9) Meats: What animal does brisket come from?

10) Space: 67P/Churyumov–Gerasimenko, set to be landed on in November 2014, is what?

Stillerman’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Dumb 2) Blade Runner 3) Carlos Slim 4) Some meteor hit Earth? 5) United States 6) Children’s books 7) My guess is FX 8) Grant, my guess 9) Cow 10) International Space Station

1) Dumb 2) Blade Runner 3) Bill Gates 4) Moon Landing 5) United States 6) Children’s Picture Book 7) Lifetime 8) Ulysses S. Grant 9) Cow 10) Comet

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

PACK THE PLACE

COLD SPAGHETTIOS

Alright, we’re about a month into the school year, and your life is starting to fall into a dangerous routine. All you want is to just go back to Syllabus Week and relive your glory days of partying, but now all you find yourself doing is rewatching lectures in your underwear with only Papa John at your side. This is when you realize what you need to break out of the slump: it’s time to pack the place.

Remember all those times as a child when you burnt your G$D D@#N LIP on a bowl of hot SpaghettiOs? Why make the same mistake twice? This week’s Recipe for Disaster will teach you all about fixing your mistakes and making them taste good while you’re at it.

What You’ll Need: An apartment, a cell phone, music, a Tinder account, a lot of booze.

Number of Players: Just you and the whole world, baby!

Level of Intoxication: Too drunk to realize you’re alone.

What You’ll Need: A can of SpaghettiOs, a microwave (just to look at, longingly), a spoon, bag of ice, a lot of air in your lungs.

Fatty Factor: Who cares? It doesn’t hurt anymore!

How to Play: - Realize that you’ve been bored for three weeks, decide to throw a banger.

- Start drinking. IMMEDIATELY. - Text everyone you know and tell them to come over.

- Lie to everyone who responds and tell them there’s a ton of people already over.

- When one person actually shows up, try to make them feel like a party is going on by increasing the volume of your music.

- When that person leaves, use Tinder to drunkenly invite strangers over.

- When you realize no one is coming – not even your roommates – drink everything you bought for the big party that never happened.

- Make a mess so when you wake up you think a bunch of people were there.

Let’s Get Baked: - Open your can of SpaghettiOs and pour the contents in a bowl.

- Place cling wrap over the top of the bowl and place it in your microwave.

- Unplug your microwave and wait two and a half minutes.

- Remove the cling wrap from the SpaghettiOs. -Let the SpaghettiOs cool down for 5-7 minutes.

- Place desired number of ice cubes on top of exposed SpaghettiOs. - Drink or chew your bowl of SpaghettiOs.

The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning thinking your dream about having people over last night was a reality and you go about your day with a smile on your face.

Did you burn your mouth? Didn’t think so.

Look at how you’ve grown!

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NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

BLACK SHEEP ORIGINAL REPORTING

ISIS Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to be Secret Character in New Super Smash Bros. Game PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS hrough an anonymous source at Nintendo, The Black Sheep was able to confirm that Abu Bakr alBaghdadi, the Caliph of the terrorist organization known as the Islamic State, will appear as a secret character in Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 3DS and Wii U. The Islamic State, known colloquially as ISIS or ISIL, is a rebel organization with roots in Iraq as a splinter group from al-Qaeda.

Super Smash Brothers, referred to often as SSB, is a video game for children. Known for their brutal techniques and mass executions, ISIS, lead by al-Baghdadi, has taken over much of Iraq and has started to usurp Syria as well, murdering thousands in every town they capture under the guise of Jihad. Known for its use of cartoon characters, Super Smash Bros. is popular with children and young teenagers.

Our source has also informed us of the nature of al-Baghdadi’s character. “He’s a horrible man, psychotic. He’s amassed an astounding amount of power in such a short time and his crimes are definitely worthy of international intervention. Oh, like his character in the game? Oh, he’s adorable. He’s like an angry Dr. Mario.”

Allegedly his game character will be similar to the character Pokémon Trainer, which doesn’t personally attack other characters, but rather has three Pokémon that do attacks for him. “But instead of Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charizard, there’s three militants,” our source told us. “One of them is a Fallujah native who was forced to fight for a rebel cause after his city was captured, one is an al-Qaeda defector, and one of them is just fourteen.”

For this Easter egg, the developers have reportedly spared no details in making the character as complete and accurate as possible. “Every character has their special attack; the one where you smash the special rainbow-glowing thing and then your character does this crazy thing that kills everyone except for you. So, for him, there’s just a wave of thirty-thousand militants that rush in and capture all the other characters until the end of the game. And that’s just the end of the game. It’s actually not that fun. But then again, neither is Syria.”

This story comes in a trend within the gaming community of combining current events into video games. Electronic Arts issued a press release Wednesday regarding an expanded special edition of their August release, Madden 15. The special edition was reported to include a mini-game in the style of Street Fighter, a break from their style of sport-based mode of play, in which players fight as NFL players against their wives.

“The Madden franchise has always sought to recreate the true football experience,” the press release read, “and we feel that we could not truly deliver this without allowing players to connect with this crime that runs so rampant throughout the National Football League.”

he gameplay is simple: players relentlessly beat their spouses and partners who have nowhere near the strength to defend themselves against professional athletes while NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, stands there and pretends not to see anything. Popular characters included Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and Ray McDonald. Rumors that OJ Simpson will appear for this addendum are also circulating, but probably won’t be confirmed until release.

Players can also play as any of the other NFL players who were arrested for domestic violence since 2009, including Quincy Enunwa, AJ Jefferson, Daryl Washington, Amari Spievey, Leroy Hill, Chris Rainey, Ryan Sands, Bryan Thomas, Chad Johnson, Dez Bryant, Erik Walden, Chris Cook, Brandon Underwood, Kevin Alexander, Philip Merling, Will Smith, Leroy Hill again, Toby McDaniel, Jermaine Phillips, Will Billingsley, Richard Quinn, Shawn Merriman, Quinn Ojinnaka, Cornell Green, and Brandon Marshall.

Rockstar Games, which is best known for publishing the Grand Theft Auto franchise, has also been taking similar steps with its upcoming rerelease of GTA V for the PS4 and Xbox One. Rumors circulating gaming magazines and blogs have speculated about drastic changes to the setup of the difficulty of the latest edition.

ate September 18th, Congress approved President Obama’s plan to equip Syrian rebels, possibly leading to another ground insurgency by the U.S. Military in the Middle East. Following the trend, a response from the video game community was quickly offered, but, surprisingly, it was not from any of the multitude of war-based games on the market. Rovio, the company behind the popular phone game Angry Birds, announced at a press conference that it would start the rushed production of Angry Birds: Syria.

The premise of the game follows the details of preexisting game with slight changes to fit the insurgency: birds, in a slingshot, attack green cartoon pigs, in structures. One minor alteration will be that as opposed to piles of wood and stone, the cartoon pigs would be hiding within the already-decrepit buildings that constitute Syria’s failing infrastructure.

Though the announcement was very recent, a large amount of criticism has befallen the game, citing many flaws in its conception. Less than one hour after the press conference, blogger Michael Douglas released his response, writing “Rovio has not released any details as to the length of the Syria episode, nor has it announced a clear objective. Also, a storyline built on current events like this does not lend itself to a conclusion, which is very necessary for the developers. This is all beside the fact that depicting Muslims as pigs is

“The GTA games always aim to be as realistic as possible, despite the fact that you can punch people until they die in broad daylight and it’s just an average Tuesday,” commented IGN writer, Jason Wright. “So the rumors going around, which possibly could have been leaked by Rockstar itself, is that the difficulty settings will actually have concrete differences on the appearance of both the character and the surroundings.”

Essentially, should a player select “hard mode,” the character will have a dark complexion and be born into a much lower socioeconomic class in which crime, discrimination, government negligence, and police brutality run rampant. “It’s an amazing concept,” Wright added. “It’s like the developers were able to come up with a social hierarchy in which youths are systematically put at a disadvantage and judged for these preexisting conditions, thus attracting police attention and unwarranted brutality. I have no idea how they came up with it.”

The expanded game is also expected to include an expert-only “Ferguson, Missouri” level, in which the player starts the level with no weapons and four stars (on a scale of one to five, stars are an indication of how “wanted” a player is). “The details on the Ferguson level are honestly pretty fuzzy,” Wright said. “It’s all based on rumor. Allegedly the only weapon you get is a pack of Skittles. Beats me,” he said, shrugging.

offensive not only to their culture but also to the ground insurgents who risk their lives in this mission. The game doesn’t even sound fun.”

Despite coming under heavy fire, Rovio has been strong in its position. “Hey, maybe it won’t be fun. But neither is Syria,” said a representative. “The frustration towards us is misplaced. Most of the criticism can be brought down to this: we don’t know how long the project will take, we have no exit strategy, and no one else approves of what we’re doing. When has anyone ever considered these things when entering the Middle East?”

It is unclear how long this trend will last, or if it is permanent. Jason Wright said, “The evolving nature of our world means that these real-life events and these fantasy escapes are going to intersect. Who knows what sort of releases we will see in the coming years. Fantasy Congress? A real-life Fallout? The polluted, radiated sky is the limit.”

Among this trend, though, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s appearance is by far the largest. The leaked news has been met with overwhelmingly positive praise from casual gamers and writers alike. A representative from ISIS declined to comment.

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