Grand Valley - Issue 1 - 8/28/2014

The Black Sheep

FRO FREE! M T LIKE HE ICE CATCH BUC ING KET A C CHA OLD LLE NGE .

Volume 3

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

Upperclassmen Actually Excited

For Campus Life Night, GVPD Expect Riot Jeff Perry wrote this While many GVSU students are just now moving into their respective quarters, buzz about Campus Life Night has been everywhere. According to our polls, 45% of those posting about their anticipation online—a dramatic increase from last year’s 25%—are upperclassmen. The cause of this increase is still to be determined.

It is also yet to be determined how many students will actually show up, but reports claim a significant increase from last year. Clubs are both excited and terrified of this possible outcome: “I’m just glad to see seniors and juniors enthusiastic to come to CLN for more than a free bag, some condoms, and other miscellaneous junk,” explained GVSU’s Director of Student Life Michelle Burke.” Seeing the buzz online about their interest in groups is just awesome. I will say, though, that I really don’t want a riot on our hands.”

“No one I know in my class has ever wanted to throw a Molotov cocktail at something, but nearly every freshman I know has talked about doing it lately.”

It seems GVSU is in agreement with Burke as the GVPD have been brought in due to concern for student safety. “Right now we are working as best we can to keep everyone safe,” said GV police Chief Renee Freeman. “Which is why we will have police in riot gear and other means on standby should this get out of hand.” According to Freeman, there will be a dozen officers in gear ready to go, but she would like more: “I think for as many people we have at this event we need about 40-50 officers on hand should the students get disorderly.” Police Chief Renee Freeman explained that we can never be too safe, “Even if nothing happens we must always prepare for the worst. Even if there is no riot, wouldn’t you feel safer wearing your Kevlar vest and wielding a nightstick anyway? It is all about safety here at GVSU.” GV sophomore Mark Brown agreed: “I think we certainly need more officers. Last year was too out of hand with just my class. I saw a bunch of people trying to start something but everyone was afraid of getting in trouble. With the upperclassmen here, I know there will be trouble. I’ve only been here a year and I already want to start looting the bookstore and flipping GV police cars.”

Another student, Clarissa Sanders, said she worries the upperclassmen will instigate more shenanigans: “Upperclassmen are more ‘anti-school’

than freshmen are, so a riot seems pretty possible. I know I have wanted to cause one a time or two, so upperclassmen who have been here longer just have to be boiling with rage, right?”

The university has issued a statement stating, “Safety has always been of concern to the university, and now with social media we can anticipate how many people will be a part of our events on a much more accurate basis. From the activity we have seen online we expect to see nearly 30,000 students at this event. With numbers this large it only takes one person to cause an uprising and we must prepare for the worst regardless of the likelihood.”

Students reading the statement displayed disgust and anger: “The only students I see raising hell around here are sophomores and freshmen,” exclaimed junior Jared Brown. “No one I know in my class has ever wanted to throw a Molotov cocktail at something, but nearly every freshman I know has talked about doing it lately.”

GVPD have planned for riot control with mace, tear gas, and even beanbag rounds. While GVPD has explained this is for safety measures, it is recommended that those going to come prepared with protective eyewear and maybe a bulletproof vest or two. Just in case.

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DELUXE LIBRARY SERVICES: HELPFUL OR HARMFUL?

BROKEN SPRINKLERS TO WATER SIDEWALK “BETTER THAN EVER”

WHAT SIX COLLEGE MOVIES GET RIGHT (AND OH-SO WRONG)

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, LAKERS.

NO SIDEWALK WILL BE LEFT BEHIND AND NO SOAKPRONE BACKPACKS SPARED.

VAN WILDER, EAT YOUR HEART OUT.

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GOURMEH A recipe prepared using only non-perishable products.

Karen’s ramen-and-Kraft Single mac n’ cheese gourmeh meal sated her drunk munchies, but made her regret her decisions the next morning.

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Deluxe Library Services: HELPFUL OR HARMFUL? Teresa Williams wrote this

The Mary Idema Pew Library has just announced it’s ready to unveil brand new “deluxe library services” to the entire student body at GVSU. In beta for the past year, the new services offered by the library are finally ready for full student use, according to the librarians. These services include access to larger, more comprehensive databases of questionable legality, connections to satellites and sealed archives, higher-quality tutors to review papers, speeches, and projects, therapy sessions during exam weeks, and freshly-baked protein bars along with morning yoga. However, after talking with some of the librarians, The Black Sheep thought it’d be best to outline the issues we felt readers ought to be aware of right away.

To access the deluxe library services, students must wear a tracking device. The trackers are bracelets students can buy for $60 at the entrance. These devices not only track the wearer’s physical location within the library (or on campus, or anywhere in the world for that matter), but they also monitor heart rate, count steps taken, measure blood alcohol levels, and even have timers to remind students when to return to studying.

In addition to tracker bracelets, each student must consent to a full and thorough background check.

This includes a look through for criminal records, but also looks through your medical history, family tree, and even through all of your social media sites. Librarians claim this is for everyone’s protection to ensure no one sends information regarding the library’s design to people who might use it for nefarious plots—something that could threaten the safety of everyone by turning these technologies against us.

There have been reports of the disappearing of seven students and two assistant professors who’ve spoken out against the library’s deluxe package. No one has seen any trace of ”The Grand Valley Nine” in Grand Rapids or in any of their hometowns. The only thing these nine have in common is documented distrust of the library’s power.

One of those missing was a sophomore, Corey Maxson. According to Maxson’s friend (who wishes to remain anonymous), Maxson “questioned, openly and loudly in the library, the necessity of the trackers and whether they infringed upon some fundamental personal and student rights.” This took place not 24 hours before his disappearance.

Another incident involved Professor Wister, who wrote an article on her blog expressing her concern over an authoritarian, sentient building being the center of campus. Links to the article have been removed, and the account associated with it deactivated not very long after it was published.

With these odd happenings surrounding the library’s new services, we caution The Black Sheep readers to stay aware. The library’s deluxe services may, in fact, be just a way for students to get more out of the college experience. However there seems to be no effort to change the problems that have come up with the new services, and we cannot afford to be blinded by how new and helpful they are, given the immense danger and risk involved. We cannot forget how pervasive and controlling such technology can become if we allow it to go beyond its intended purpose.

We must all try to monitor ourselves and others to ensure our safety.

WELCOME BACK

THE TOP TEN Ways to Recognize “That Annoying GVSU Kid” Whether you’re a freshman living in the dorms or an upperclassman at 48 West, there’s always that one obnoxious resident living just a little too close to you. Without a doubt you’ll find a fellow student that makes alcohol poisoning look fun in comparison. Here are some tips to avoid the nuisance of “That Annoying GVSU Kid.” 10.) They have one favorite topic: If you’re talking to someone and he keeps bringing up the same subject ad nauseam, his chances of being annoying double. Some topics include (but are in no way limited to) horses, longboards, Disney’s Frozen, their significant other, The Artic Monkeys, and lifting weights.

9.) They want(ed) to be an RA: It takes a certain person to be an RA, and typically the obnoxious don’t make the cut. Oh, but that doesn’t stop an annoying person from trying to be an RA, especially through the use of Facebook. Watch out for people who make an effort trying to get your floor “together for a movie XD.”

GVSU Cuts to the Chase,

Freshmen Now “Future Debtors” Mike Lamberti wrote this

In the time before move-in week, GVSU has given The Black Sheep an exclusive look at what’s in store for incoming freshmen. As we arrived on campus, we were greeted

by Brian Gordon, organizer of the Welcome Week plans.

He guided us to Kistler, the main freshman living center, and explained: “We’re taking things in a new direction. Think of this batch of freshmen as guinea pigs for an attitude change. We think you’ll like our new approach to handling incomers.” He held the door open for us, and we entered into a gray, empty room with a white banner dangling from the ceiling with the words “Welcome Future Debtors” in plain black text.

Gordon grinned at us, “Well, what do you think?” He handed us gray noisemakers and party hats. One member of our party blew into her noisemaker, letting out a monotone “weh” that bent down in pitch towards the end.

Our guide elaborated, “One of the biggest complaints against this generation is that they’re spoiled and self-centered. We believe that it’s best to be as blunt as possible with them, and to remind them of the grayscale, subsistence-driven lifestyles they will lead.”

We ventured down the hallway toward the dormitories, each door bore a unique pattern of lines. One of our writers scanned it with his phone, and Gordon commented, “Those are QR codes that grant savings promotions to freshmen who scan them. That one produces a pop-up that combines an ad for some bank’s new student checking offer with an ad for alcoholic energy drinks.”

Gordon reached one particular room and opened the door, beckoning us inside. He told us, “Nobody was living in this room at the

time,” and that, “It was the best representation of what was waiting for incomers.” It was not much different than a normal empty dorm, except that placed on the mattress was a rusty metal cog. Gordon revealed its purpose, “People at this age like to think of themselves as special snowflakes, but they’re really more like parts in a watch, or a diesel engine.”

Gordon chuckled at the looks on our faces, “You’re wondering if this is all necessary, because colleges don’t leave things on incomers’ mattresses like it’s a hotel in the first place, right? We know it’s a little heavyhanded, but so is the rhetoric that inflated the egos of this generation in the first place.

Think of this gesture as an art installment or a performance piece meant to make the viewer think. Naturally, the beds of debt-free students will each hold a gourmet chocolate mint. ” One of my fellow journalists side-eyed me with a look that said, “Does this guy think he’s, like, Reverse Banksy?”

We reached the floor’s restroom, and Gordon turned to face all of us at once, proclaiming, “This here was an idea from yours truly: I call it ‘Black-Only Bathrooms.’” A collective gasp fell upon our crowd, but Gordon laughed, “Oh no, it’s not what you think. What you do is you scan your credit card, and if you’re a debtfree student, aka ‘in the black’, you can use the bathroom.” As our heart rates returned to normal, Gordon led us out of the building.

That’s phase one, according to Gordon. He told us the next phase might involve, “Mandatory Jumpsuits,” and “Corporate Overlords,” but we couldn’t pay full attention to him over the sound of our own forced politeness and internal eye-rolling. To conclude, he added, “Come back for graduation, you’ll get to see my ‘Black-Only Diplomas’.”

8.) They always take the elevator: Now sure, some people take the elevator because they’re lazy, and The Black Sheep condones that, but “That Annoying GVSU Kid” has other motives. The elevator has long been a place where strangers partake in awkward silences and for the most part society accepts it. However, a classic “TAGK” can make any elevator ride worse by opening his mouth. Taking the stairs can help you avoid this kind of torture.

7.) They have no sense of privacy: A truly annoying kid doesn’t understand your privacy or her own. Look for things like: close talking, arm-touching, menstruation-talking. And for the love of all that is holy, if one openly discusses his genitalia in any way, shape, or form get out of that conversation before it’s too late. Otherwise, an hour later you’ll know how he ended up with three nutsacks (none of them real).

6.) They give away baked goods: It’s one thing if you like to bake and it’s okay to share what you’ve made, but there’s something strange about making a batch of cupcakes and never eating any yourself. It’s important to know that “That Annoying GVSU Kid” will go around with his baked goods insisting everyone “take two.” Be careful though, once you take that cupcake you’re bound to a year of annoying. The least “TAGK” could do is poison you with something other than her friendship.

5.) They have their own lame catchphrase: There’s no quick and easy way to tell if someone has a catchphrase, although anything from “oh my goodness” to “bro” to “awesome sauce” will qualify.

4.) They still like Glee: Normally, making fun of Glee would seem like a cheap and easy shot, but there truly are people who live on our planet of Earth that still like the show. This is your warning to stay away from those people. See a Glee poster from 2009? Run. You’ll thanks us later.

3.) They purposefully do laundry in the morning: No one chooses to do laundry at 7:30 a.m., it just sort of happens. That is, unless you’re “That Annoying GVSU Kid.” Just like riding the elevator, “TAGK” looks for victims to make mediocre, awkward conversation with. Kind of like talking to your Great Aunt Patty, minus the criticism of your life choices and a little more “DID YOU WATCH THE BIG BANG THEORY LAST NIGHT?” 2.) Their roommate(s) are never home: If you’ve met someone on your floor or apartment complex multiple times, but have never even seen who he lives with, leave.

Like the Bat Signal for annoying people, absent roomies is a major warning. It means people are paying money and giving up their firstborn to live in a place they can’t even stand to be at.

1.) Look at yourself: Perhaps you’ve been thinking, “I haven’t met anyone who’s annoying.” Well, we’ve got some bad news: YOU are “That Annoying Kid.” The sooner you accept your annoyingness, the better you can grow from it. Soon, you won’t be “That Annoying GVSU Kid,” but a regular asshole like everyone else.

Julie Nichols wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What’s the most regrettable thing you’ve done since you’ve been back at school?

Miranda, Junior

“I tried to go to Fresh but went to the opposite side of Mac instead.”

Ariel, Freshman

“Locked my key in my room.”

Carly, Junior

“I downloaded Tinder for the third time in a year.”

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Broken Sprinklers to Water Sidewalk “More Efficiently Than Ever” Shardae Rudel wrote this

Each summer, GV’s sidewalks become drier and drier with the humid temperatures and neverending staring contests with the sun. Condensation is but a distant memory as the sidewalks’ once faithful friend, the GV sprinkler system, turns their backs on them. It’s a sad sight indeed.

But fret not Lakers, because this sad tale may finally be coming to an end!

The Black Sheep has learned that GV will be improving the sprinkler system to allow more water to flow onto the sidewalk. Executives at Grand Valley have confirmed the adjustment of the sprinklers will add a new dynamic to both the Pew and Allendale campus aesthetic.

In a poll conducted by The Black Sheep, 95% of the interviewed GV attendees had something negative to say about how the sidewalks were being treated in recent years. The other 5% refused to comment due to various unsympathetic reasons,

but the numbers against their negativity speak for itself.

Tim Banks, a GV senior, recalls how things used to be: “I see it every year. It’s a bit depressing seeing the sidewalk all dry and sandy while the grass is right there all green and happy-looking. I remember freshman year, there was practically a lake on the sidewalk intersection by Fresh. What happened to that?”

“From Freshmanland to the South Apartments – no sidewalk will be left behind and no soak-prone backpacks spared!”

Tim is not the only one feeling compassion for the main route system.

Dina Lawrence, a sophomore, remembers seeing a member of GV’s grounds staff adjusting the sprinklers just before she

left for summer break: “It was horrible, the way he just turned the sprinkler away from the pavement,” she said. “The grass is already green, you know? It doesn’t need any more water. But the pavement… it’s so dry and barren.”

In recent years the executives at GV have switched the sprinklers’ aim to the grass in an effort to push forth their “Go Green” initiative. This left the sidewalks with diminishing amounts of water left on their surfaces, gaining the attention and sympathy of students and staff alike.

Calls for reform were recently answered

by GV exec Paul Muller: “We’re hoping that by adjusting the sprinklers so they face the sidewalk, we can add several new lakes to campus,” Muller said. “What better way of showing our Laker pride than accentuating our best feature?”

Rain boots, and maybe those hellasweet rain clogs, will be a must for this

semester. No word yet on if swimsuits will be socially acceptable forms of class attire, but no judgment should be given for this daring move. However, the only exception is Speedos (thou shalt always judge thy comrade for donning a Speedo).

The early buzz of this development even has some students discussing the possibility of leaving the sprinklers on

during the winter months to decrease the suck-fest that is lake-effect snow and up the fun that is ice skating to class. No skates required. Just slap on your best pair of loafers and watch as they are torn apart piece by piece on the sharp, slippery ice. Because who really needs fancy loafers anyway? From Freshmanland to the South Apartments – no sidewalk will be left behind and no soak-prone backpacks spared!

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Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

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Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

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Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Tuesday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Wednesday

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PLAGIARIZING STUDENTS PLAGIARIZE A FEW GOOD MEN, WIN Logan Bailey wrote this

Two students accused of plagiarizing each other’s work on an online test for their discrete mathematics class have won their court case against GVSU’s claims of academic dishonesty. Sherin Adams and Prashley Pruitt, accused in summer 2013, walked into the courtroom casually, confident and left victorious by repeating a single line.

statement.

“It was pretty weird,” current GVSU student Sarah Beamish said, “The two just walked in calm and collected. They just kept screaming the same words over and over again.”

Sherin and Prashley spoke the line in perfect unison, no matter who was being questioned or questioning.

When they asked Erin if she could prove the two didn’t take the test together, they both stood up and screamed, “You can’t handle the truth!” causing the audience to roar in approval.

Taking a cue from the 1992 film A Few Good Men, Sherin and Prashley continually screamed the iconic Jack Nicholson line: “You can’t handle the truth!” to anyone that spoke to them, trying to convince the court they really couldn’t handle it.

“After every question they’d just keep screaming the quote,” Beamish continued, “Everybody just stared at them blankly after that…it was pretty rad.”

The two students chose to represent themselves in the case, turning down legal guidance. This forced the duo, being the plaintiffs in the case, to have to question Grand Valley reps themselves. However, the only question they had came in the form of a

“It was definitely a little strange when they were questioning,” an attending professor of law stated, “They just continually berated and interrupted the Grand Valley representatives with that same stupid line –it wasn’t even a damn question!”

“They’re truly an inspiration,” student John Tibbitts swooned. “It was just like watching a movie or something. The way they shouted and pointed –it was amazing.”

Halfway through the trial it was obvious that the students had won over the judge. Despite constantly interrupting him, and being warned of contempt of court at least 15 times, Sherin and Prashley successfully convinced the judge that they were wrongly accused, solely based on their courtroom and movie-quoting skills.

“It was a very, very easy decision for me to make,” the attending honorable Judge Whipstain stated to the press after the hearing.

“The verdict was an easy one; a no-brainer.

We just weren’t ready for the truth. I mean honestly, how dare the university accuse such upstanding citizens of plagiarizing? It’s obviously not in their nature. Grand Valley is lucky to have such savvy students.”

After the trial, Sherin and Prashley said that they are thinking of dropping out of Grand Valley together: “This trial showed us where our true talents are,” the two said in unison, “I think we’re going to acting school. We already have an idea for a play based on our story.”

Grand Valley had no official statement on the verdict, but did wish the two luck in their future endeavors: “We wish Sherin and Prashley the best of luck in their academic career, as long as it’s far, far away from here,”

a secretary to the Dean noted. The school has stated it plans to fund their former students travel expenses, tuition, and any outstanding debt -pending they agree to move at least 500 miles from Allendale.

UPDATE: A civil suit brought on by Jack Nicholson and screenwriter Aaron Sorkin has been filed against Sherin and Prashley, since the debut of their play, A Few Good Students, on June 17. In the official public statement, the two accusers stated that “Regardless of whether or not they won their previous case, they surely cannot be serious in thinking they can get away with completely ripping off our movie.”

In response, the girls together said to Mr. Nicholson and Mr. Sorkin that “They were serious,” and “not to call them surely.”

m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B G GAMES The IN K IN R D | R SPECIALS | BA ARTICLES

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single

Mix two animals to make your own spirit animal: A flamingo and a tiger.

Major: Pre-Legal studies Favorite Drink: Espresso martini Favorite shot: Johnny Vegas

Given the opportunity to abolish the existence of one clothing item, what would you choose?: Men’s short-shorts.

Disgusting Drink: Snakebite What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: Apple martini (My apple martini, to be specific).

How do you make it?: Shake one shot of Apple Smirnoff, Apple DeKuyper, and a shot of sweet vermouth.

LIZZ of MULLY’S BAR AND GRILL

THE DRINKING GAME SLURRED SYLLABUS It may be time to start school again...but in the same breath, it’s always time to tackle a handle of whiskey on your own. Everyone and their mother knows you’re never going to read your syllabus until you need to prove your professor wrong, so we thought you could use some motivation.

Saddle up for what’s left of Syllabus Week with us and take a whack at our syllabus challenge: What You’ll Need: A copy of your syllabus (c’mon, you can find it!), and a handle of whiskey.

Number of Players: Just yourself, brother.

Level of Intoxication: Enough to turn Syllabus Week into Syllabus Month.

How to Play: This game is

short, but it requires you to go all-in. You’ll need to read through your syllabus and take a stiff drink every time one of the following things happens.

Drink When: - One of your required texts cost more money than you make in a semester.

- You finally muster up the courage to buy a book for class and find out it’s the wrong edition.

- Your professor’s name has no vowels.

- You have to look up the building where your class is, fully knowing you’ll never see the inside anyway.

- You read about the university’s cheating policy and briefly consider morals before concluding: “Fuck it.”

- The professor requires you

to attend every lecture and discussion section, despite how many Irish car-bombs you did with that fat homeless dude outside of the bar.

- You try to count how many assignments you have throughout the semester for each class when your eyes roll back into your head, and somehow you end up on YouTube watching replays from the VMAs and you’re back to square one. *Drink in Celebration and You Win the Game If: You get lucky as SHIT and all of your midterms are “takehome tests.” THERE IS A GOD. The Game Ends When: You finally blossom into the true alcoholic you are and must drop out of the university to get some help.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Where have those hands been?: All over the bottles of alcohol I’m serving!

If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor would you choose and why?: 1800 Coconut because it’s my favorite.

What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: Snootful! It means how much alcohol it takes to get drunk.

What sex position most saliently described the current geopolitical landscape?: Missionary?

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m in it!

RECIPE FOR DISASTER THE “OH S***, I FORGOT HOW TO COOK” STIR-FRY Welcome back to school! You’ve spent the past three months receiving home-cooked meals from mommy and daddy, but now it’s time to get a nice, fresh slap in the face from reality: It’s time to start cooking for yourself again. This is always a difficult transition for any college student, but we’re here to help with some homemade stir fry.

What You’ll Need: WHATEVER IS EDIBLE AND WITHIN 20 FEET. What We Used: 2 packages of ramen noodles, ½ lbs. of ground beef, 2 cups of rice, all the broccoli from a HungryMan TV Dinner.

Fatty Factor: Write your will now, who knows if you’ll make it out of this one alive.

Let’s Get Baked: - Start by heating up your stove-top pan.

- Once you realized you forgot to defrost the meat, put a large cup of water in the microwave for two minutes and place the meat inside the cup to defrost within minutes. Problem solved.

- Take your half-cooked meat and flop it on your lukewarm pan. Let it simmer for about six minutes.

- MULTI-TASK: Cook your rice in the microwave (you can even use the same cup of water to save time) while your meat cooks on the stove.

- You’ll want to begin cooking your ramen noodles in a pot next to your pan. Let the noodles boil for about three minutes and then drain the water from the noodles.

- Using the same pot, put your broccoli from your Hungry-Man box in and boil until cooked to a desirable texture.

- By this point your meat should be done on the stove-top, place everything in a bowl and stir wildly with a large spoon.

- You’ll want to dump as much salt on this as possible. It will both protect you from any errors in cooking by masking the taste, as well as soaking up any extra water that may have not been fully drained.

- Before you eat, make sure there’s someone to supervise you while you consume your dinner. You may need someone there to call 9-1-1.

Without mom and dad around, things can get pretty tough.

But with cooking tips like these, you’ll find it easy to fend for yourself without your parents guiding hand. Just remember: Cooking’s not difficult, it’s all about your perspective on the final product.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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College movies all follow the same vague thread: An underdog student or group of students face odds impossible to overcome until the third act hits and everything gets figured out and tied up in one nice, happy bow. Still, all these college movies get certain things right and certain things wrong about the college experience. This week, The Black Sheep looks at six of these college flicks to see where they shine, and where they’re shit.

By: Brendan

RONG)

COLLEGE MOVIE RIGHT & WRONGS

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VAN WILDER The Basic Premise: Lothario party boy’s dad stops paying for college, so he has to sell his party skills to pay the party bills.

GOOD WILL HUNTING The Basic Premise: A brilliant janitor at MIT faces a series of difficult life decisions after his brilliance is unearthed.

What it Gets Right: Staying in college forever is both awesome and terrible. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of something you love, like that case of trashy beer you clutch oh-so-tightly on a Friday night. And why not? A relatively carefree lifestyle intermingled with bouts of binge drinking is something that’s easy for most early 20-somethings to process. By year six, though, when that love of of party life has transformed into unwavering ennui and a sense that alcoholism is right around the corner, you gotta get out.

What it Gets Right: You’ll question your previous, postcollege friendships. Sure, you had some great times— you’ll never forget the time Brett threw a pizza on the roof—but edging into your mind is the inevitable, “Am I still similar enough to these people to consider them friends?” Inevitably, some of the people you hung out with when you were a senior in high school will not be the same people you’re texting every day when you’re a senior in college.

What it Gets Wrong: Oh, just every college party trope. A good college party is lucky to have more than a couple of kegs. A college costume party is lucky to have a guy who spent 15 minutes drawing stigmata on his hands, sombrero on hands as Hey-zoos, the Mexican Jesus. A college party with a tiki theme hosted in a gorgeous Malibu mansion has only happened in the wet dreams of hundreds of 15-year-old boys.

What it Gets Wrong: Professors won’t find you interesting, at all. We get it, you got a 29 on your ACT— that’s pretty good! What you don’t get, though, is…so did everyone else you’re sitting next to. Your take on Hemingway’s “Cat in the Rain” is the same take as four other students’. It’s the same as six students’ last year. And the year before. Hey, it was a nice try at being profound, but Professor Jefferson is going to have a TA grade it, she doesn’t have time for this shit.

LEGALLY BLONDE

OLD SCHOOL

The Basic Premise: UCLA grad Elle Woods chases her ex-boyfriend into Harvard Law, hoping to win back his heart.

The Basic Premise: Old guys tired of old-guy life start a new fraternity at a local university.

What it Gets Right: College is one of the last opportunities you’ll have to really follow your dream—fuck the haters. They thought Elle Woods couldn’t succeed in law school, but she got into Harvard and proved them wrong. They didn’t think pink would work, then it did. You—you’re not yet besieged by a crippling mortgage or two snot-nosed twerps, so take these four years to do you. Whether it’s weird facial piercings or the even weirder decision to double major in English and philosophy, make your own decisions, regardless of what others think.

What it Gets Right: Age does beget wisdom, even when it comes to partying. We hope even the most naïve freshman knows that inhaling a fifth of Smirnoff is some bad juju, but a college senior has more than that trick up his sleeve. Whether it’s knowing the last place in town that’ll sell whiskey on Saturday to the best way to clean a beer bong in under 2 minutes, hey, you’ll pick up thing or two long the way.

What it Gets Wrong: Still, no one trusts you with any actual responsibility. Would you, Mr. “I-Got-UpAt-2p.m.-Hey-At Least-It’s-Not-4p.m.”? For some reason Elle, a first-year law student, was allowed to participate in a real-life murder trial. Hah, so not college. Any job you’ll have in college will be menial at best and embarrassing at worst—you’ll have an ill-fitting uniform, just learn to deal with it.

What it Gets Wrong: If you’re partying with 30-somethings, they’re probably undercover cops. You know how when you party with someone notably older than yourself, it feels weird and creepy? Well, when you party with someone notably younger than yourself, it also feels weird and creepy. 30-yearolds are as afraid of you as you are of them—don’t hang out with one another.

REVENGE OF THE NERDS The Basic Premise: There’s a frat full of nerds and a frat full of jocks. Then, they clash.

What it Gets Right: Nerds rule the world.

So, turns out if you’re moderately bright and really passionate about something to the point you’re willing to commit your life to it, then you can assume a lot of power and make a lot of money doing that very thing. If that thing is outsmarting jocks, you can even make a cult comedy about it.

What it Gets Wrong: Just because you’re handsome and athletic doesn’t mean you’re an idiot. Even Mark Zuckerberg, King Nerd, isn’t a totally heinous dweeb. Barack Obama is smarter than most of us and is a serious law nerd, and most women in his age bracket would admit that he’s better-looking than their out-of-shape schlubby-looking husbands. Brains and brawn aren’t mutually exclusive, regardless of what the media would like you to believe.

ACCEPTED The Basic Premise: A mischievous high schooler who fails to get into any of the colleges he’s applied to creates his own university where everyone is…wait for it…Accepted.

What it Gets Right: You’ll inevitably make friends in college. Among the tens of thousands of other students on this campus are a select few with whom you share very specific interests. Enjoy butt-chugging vodka on a Tuesday night? You’ll find someone who enjoys the same. Introverted neo-futurist LARP-er?

Hey, there’s a group that meets specifically for that twice a month! In college you have to actively try not to make friends; if you put yourself out there someone will turn up just as bizarre as you are.

What it Gets Wrong: Just because you’re making friends doesn’t mean you’ll get the hot girl. Sadly, cliques still exist in college, and it’s not as different from high school as you might want to pretend.

Look at your peer group—these are the people you’ll date. If it’s full of uggos, get ready to be sleeping with lots of uggos.

THE BACK PAGE

Find the Sheep: Tailgating Edition!

THE MADLIB BACK TO SCHOOL The alarm on your phone sounds the same, but the sun is in the wrong side of the sky—you’re used to waking up at __1__p.m., just in time to begin sipping __2__ with the __3__ back home.

No more, though, you roll out of bed, throw on whatever doesn’t smell like __4__and head out for the first class of the new semester. It’s __5__, right? No, wait, is it __6__? And where the hell is __7__? You’ve been here __8__ years and you’ve never heard of the place.

And then, yeah, of course the line for coffee at __9__ is as long as a __10__. Waiting for your __11__, you see __12__, who you used to bang, but totally didn’t call before you unceremoniously left town last spring. You stealthily duck behind a guy wearing a __13__and you go unseen, you glorious bastard.

Finally at __14__, you search frantically for Room 225, which, of course is not on the second floor. Stumbling in, smelly, late and hate-filled, you realize that this isn’t __15__ at all, it’s __16__.

You stand stunned. Did, you…uh…sign up for this class? The professor stares at you, __17__.

Whether this is your class or not, you __18__take a seat in the front row. Sipping your beverage, you silently admit to yourself it’s going to be a long semester.

CLUE BANK 1) Time 2) Delicious summer beverage 3) Slang for “friends” 4) Gross-smelling thing 5) Class you’re taking 6) Another class you’re taking 7) Academic building 8) Number 9) Favorite campus coffee place

10) Long thing 11) Coffee order 12) Person 13) Silly kind of hat 14) Same as 7 15) Same as 6 16) Bad class to take 17) Emotion 18) Embarrassed adverb

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