The Black Sheep
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Vol. 2, Issue 1
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
e... l cur ike t ren hos tly e 4.0 spo ’s y rti ou’r ng. e
1/9/14 - 1/22/14
grand valley’s Kirkhof Center
Robbed by Laker
BY: Julie Nichols Reporting officer: Julie Nichols Case Number: 041193263 Date: January 2, 2014 Suspects: Louie Laker and Larry Laker Incident: Robbery Accident of Occurrence: Kirkhof Center Lot S Campus Dr. Allendale Charter Township, MI 49401 Evidence: Miscellaneous textbooks (over 200) Boxes of sweatshirts (8) Shot glasses (32) Weapons: Boat oars (2) At approximately 21:17, Grand Valley State University mascot Louie Laker and his cousin Larry Laker broke into Grand Valley’s on-campus bookstore. The suspects left a trail of beer and lake water and were caught on the bookstore’s security cameras. The doors of the bookstore had been pried open, presumably with boat oars. Left-behind scraps of broken wood match that of the Laker’s own personal oar set. Both Louie and Larry confessed the crime. They were taken into custody. Louie refused to speak when interviewed, presumably because he physically cannot. Larry provided plenty of words for the both of them. We recorded this speech during the interrogation. Larry Laker’s speech from interrogation transcribed: “Yo, get this. We was thinking, ‘Hey, students are always complaining about how much cash it cost to buy books and whatnot.’ Louie had this bomb idea to hit up the bookstore and resell some shit on eBay.” “So we party up with these sophomores in 48 West for a couple of hours and then paddle our way back to campus. Which was really hard considering we ain’t even got a lake to paddle in. Like, it made us question why the hell we’re Lakers, man. I mean, do you see a lake?” “Lou and me are casing this joint when it occurs to us to look at some price tags. That’s when we realized how fucked we were. None of this was worth shit. Not these textbooks or the sweatshirts. Especially not
page 4
Temps dipping show little effect on school spirit Nothing says “Go Lakers!” by adding a little frostbite into the mix.
these eight dollar shotglasses. You know how much these would sell in real life? Hell, maybe a nickel. Maybe a nickel if you offered to pay for shipping.” “And these sweatshirts!? You know there is no way in heaven it cost them 44 dollars and 95 cent to manufacture that shit. Riddle me this, how can it cost that much? Seriously, they prolly only pay them Chinese kids like 3 cent an hour. If that, man.” “At this point, Louie reminded me that we had to finish this job. We promised those sophomore bitches we’d pay for their textbooks. I can’t wrap my brain around how this store gets away with selling paper wrapped in wood for so much as 200 dollars. Sure, they gotta pay the nerd that wrote the book, but shouldn’t they like doing that shit anyway. Ain’t that why they educators?”
“I mean, if you’re going to charge me 8 dollars for a shot glass, 45 for damn sweatshirt, and over 400 bucks for textbooks, that’s nuts. It’s crazy! AND ON TOP OF TUITION, FOOD, AND HOUSING! This school has balls. It must have the biggest, fattest balls in the world to pull this kinda shit. How do they even walk with such big balls? It’s a mystery.” After raising some interesting points, GVSU PD decided to let Louie and Larry Laker go free of charge. The department thought of arresting the management in charge of running the bookstore, but then we remembered that our capitalist system without government regulation allows for monopolies like this to occur. A sweep of depression came over us. We have no power, no control of this situation or situations like these. Grand Valley students can enjoy their 8 dollar shot glasses. They probably need a drink anyway.
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