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The Black Sheep

Fr e Gr e....l an ik dm e Li a a ke t T ou ha t-ra nk ci sg sti ivi ng ng !

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 3, Issue 14 11/15/12 - 11/29/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_UGA

The Tech rivalry: Clean, old fashioned Indifference Katie Weimer wrote this If you look back on history every grand feud had two distinct sides, and often each side had justifiable reasons for fighting. Rosie O’Donnell hates Donald Trump because he’s a conservative pig and Donald Trump hates O’Donnell because she’s a socialist lesbian. Mariah Carey hates Nicki Minaj because Nicki’s a loudmouth diva who is only concerned about herself. Nicki Minaj hates Mariah Carey because Mariah’s a loudmouth diva who is only concerned about herself. Even though this seems like a pretty simple formula to understand, the two major universities in Georgia can’t seem to get it right. Unlike the Bulldogs’ rivalries with schools such as Florida and Auburn, we can’t legitimize our “feud” with our in-state little brothers. Simply put, we can’t give the amount of fucks required for a feud with Georgia Tech to exist. Sadly, Tech seems to think that if they care—if they needle us Dawgs enough - that eventually some semblance of a rivalry will exist. For a school that mostly teaches how to balance an equation, the students aren’t too good at applying that concept in real-life terms. As confusing as this lopsidedness of the “rivalry” with Tech is, UGA could fix the problem by equaling things out and hating Tech as much as we’re hated there. Sadly, this can’t happen. If pointing out their shamefully stereotypical nerdom—from the glasses to the nasal problems, social issues and lack of female accompaniment - constitutes anything, it’s bullying, and we’re not into that. Those things are true; ergo it’s just sad, not funny. The key here is to get creative as to how we hate Tech. Bulldogs don’t get particularly offended by Tech spats because hey, really? Having those twerps talk shit is upsetting? Georgia Tech kids are like a little brother who just pinches you over and over again—just plain annoying. You could do him in, but it’s barely even worth the trouble at this point. So how can we manufacture some actual reasons to hate that black and gold school? May we humbly suggest smuggling Uga onto their campus so we can accuse them of mascot thievery? Sure, the plant would be a dirty trick, and they wouldn’t be able to prove we were actually the culprits, but it really could mean that

PMS: Post-Masturbation Syndrome Do you feel fatigued and guilty

on a daily basis? You may have PMS.

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a few students here on campus could justifiably hate those Yellow Jackets. Other suggestions involve a variety of in-Athens activities: Setting fire to the SLC, engraving GT’s logo onto the chapel bell, defecating in Uga’s dog house, spraying a Yellow Jacket onto Sanford Field with herbicide. For Tech to give us a reason to actually hate them, they have to commit a crime on our turf. Perhaps one of these could even out the hatred between Tech and us; leaving GT students more fulfilled, giving them

what’s inside

The Top Ten Thanksgiving Disasters If your Thanksgiving Dinner lacks in

purpose at their sad, loser-laden university, and ending the one-sidedness of the rivalry. Finally we could give those delusional Yellow Jackets what they want—a rivalry that both schools care about. Or we could just completely ignore them and face the fact that we have to be the bigger men. In the same way that Canada just takes gentle ribbings from Americans, because Canadians do America right. We might need to remain in stoic silence, let Tech fumble over their footballs and insults while we do Georgia schooling the right way.

No No Shave November Ever

You guys, your health is at risk. BEARDS START ON FIRE, ARE YOU DUMB?

food, booze, and football, you can see your self out of this country.

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contents page 4: from the streets

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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What was your favorite blunder of this this past election?

page 6: Thanksgiving in 3000

Table of

Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday

page 10: Bartender of the week Warning, after reading Brooke P from Genco’s interview, you may feel like marrying her.

page 12: Turkey Time What did your childhood hand-turkey say about you?

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page three

! k e e W e h t f o c Pi

Black Friday

“The One Day a Year When Your Mom Isn’t Your Mom Anymore”

Sexy Anagrams

How come no one believes this is my uniform and I’m back from duty... (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.)

Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Rearward Job Sent

Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Fecal Seems Jest last week’s answers

Kristen Bell & Jared Leto

word of the week Lamerick:

A popular quote or turn of phrase that transcends annoying, to become repugnant. “There once was a woman named Coco/Who always would shout out, “YOLO!”/Then one day/All her friends went away/Because holy shit, that lamerick is crazy annoying.”


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PMS: Post-Masturbation Syndrome Wes Allen wrote this Premenstrual syndrome is a set of emotional and physical symptoms that wreak havoc upon the female gender. We all know that Premenstrual syndrome is a terrible disease, but The Black Sheep is here to enlighten the universe to a different breed of PMS. This undocumented strain of PMS is a burden held exclusively by the male gender (I think... that’ll be addressed momentarily). And despite its prevalence in today’s society, the general public remains ignorant to this growing epidemic.

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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What was your favorite blunder of this past election? “When John McCain at a Romney rally in Virginia accidentally endorsed Obama.” - Leighton R., Freshman

After weeks of research and a painful amount of self-testing, The Black Sheep is prepared to exhibit our findings on Post-Masturbation syndrome. Who is at risk? Our studies show that this debilitating disease affects only the male gender. Admittedly, our female staffers refused to divulge their masturbatory habits, and forced us to make them the controlled variables…? If that doesn’t make any sense it’s because we’re writers, not rocket scientists and what the hell is a variable? As men, we’re horny every second of every day, while it appears that ladies have more on their minds than sexual intercourse. Not thinking about your next orgasm for 23 hours a day is a strange phenomenon to be sure, but it plays an integral role in assessing who is at risk of PMS. Further evidence indicates that because men are so eager to bust their next nut, we are willing to sleep with anyone not named “Gonorrhea.” Consequently, females have the ability to have sex WHENEVER they want. It’s true. All it takes is a text reading,”?”, at 2:30 a.m., and BOOM, a willing male partner will arrive on horseback at 2:37 a.m. (2:35 if there’s no traffic). Comparatively, guys can drop $140 on flowers, movie tickets, drinks, and a limo, and not even be compensated with a painful handjob. Obviously, The Black Sheep’s intensive research has determined who is most likely to fall prey to Post-Masturbation syndrome. However, our investigation does not end there. No way, José. We took it upon ourselves to infiltrate PMS to its very core. This means we masturbated not because it’s our second favorite hobby behind Dungeons & Dragons, but because it is our duty to open the eyes of mankind. And the findings of our chronic experimentation are not pretty… Symptoms: Decontamination: The act of cleaning up semen (or not) isn’t so much a symptom of PMS as it is a hassle. After working to accomplish a task, there is nothing more desired than a few minutes of relaxation while sipping an ice-cold beer. Buuuut no—masturbation doesn’t allow for that. Instead, it forces you into sanitizing the fruits of all your labor. After conducting so much goddamn “research,” our staff ran through our allotted budget of tissues. So now the sheets on my bed, once soft and solid dark blue, are crunchy and spattered with white polka dots. I love myself, but not nearly enough to relish sleeping in a cum graveyard every night. Screw the sheets, I haven’t even mentioned the abuse my laptop takes! That piece of equipment is worth more than my own life (my parents words, not mine) and it’s withstood more money shots than the sluttiest sorority in town. Any day now Steve Jobs will pull a Lazarus just so he can beat my ass for sexually abusing his finest creation.

Fatigue: The feeling men get after banging it out with a sexually attractive partner cannot be equaled. Accomplishment, confidence, and badassness course wildly through the veins, and induce heightened feelings of being the greatest human to ever have a dick. Yes, the aftermath of sex is exhilarating. But you know what’s the opposite of that beautiful post-sex euphoria? Yeah, you guessed it— post-masturbation fatigue. If you have something really important to accomplish on a certain day, hide your lube, bro. During The Black Sheep’s rigorous weeks of testing we didn’t have a single male writer produce an article. Not only do you become a lethargic waste of life, but you aren’t even aware of it! Post-masturbation fatigue is not to be taken likely. It is real and it is serious. It is real serious. Failure to Meet Expectations: Cleaning semen and being a lazy piece of shit are grueling symptoms of PMS, but they are two rays of sunshine compared to this last symptom. When those candles are lit and Barry White’s smooth vocals hit the ears, a date with yourself and a porno seems better than bathing in the chocolate waterfall at Golden Corral. Ha! No way in hell is masturbation better than a chocolate waterfall, but it always seems like it will be that great, doesn’t it? Time and time again masturbation fools the male gender into thinking it’s the greatest shit since sliced bread. Instead, it transforms the video you jerked off to from masterpiece of pornographic cinema, into a disgusting waste of film. You know the “How did I think that was sexy..?” feeling well. After the deed is done, a wave of pathetic emotions engulfs the body and leaves the masturbator remorseful of the time and energy wasted, not to mention the image of someone’s daughter being doused in baby batter burned into your unconscious. The Black Sheep has recently established Post-Masturbation Syndrome Anonymous. We know what you’re going through, and cannot allow this epidemic to be ignored any longer. Let’s beat this thing together.

“My favorite was Obama’s Slogan ‘Save Big Bird, Vote Democratic.’” - Laura T., Sophomore

“Romney’s 47% comment, hands down.” - Eli M., Freshman


The Top 10

TOPPERS

We all know that Thanksgiving is kind of a bullshit holiday. A holiday without presents? That’s just un-American. On the other hand, it is nice to have a whole week off of school just for eating. Who doesn’t want to move up a pant size? But Thanksgiving dinner is like a fragile ecosystem, and there are a few things that can easily take it from hero to zero.

INTERNATIONAL SHOWBAR

Thanksgiving Disasters 10.) You run out of food: For people who think the American pastime is baseball: You’re wrong. The American pastime is eating. Obesity is literally destroying our population. Case in point: we have a national holiday dedicated to overeating. Thanksgiving is basically the Olympics of eating, so if we ran out of food, the whole occasion would be ruined.

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9.) You sit next to your racist aunt/uncle/grandparent: Why does everyone have one of these? There is always someone at Thanksgiving that’s determined to offend as many people as possible, and for some reason, they are attracted to you like a moth to a flame. Also, they shout every single thing they say. It’s like hearing loss is related to racism.

CELEBRATING OUR 20th ANNIVERSARY!

8.) Some asshole brings Brussels sprouts: Look, we get it. No one likes that they have to bring a dish to Thanksgiving dinner. It’s a stupid requirement. But bringing something gross just to spite everyone is unacceptable. Brussels sprouts shouldn’t even be classified as food, and no one should ever eat them ever.

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7.) Native American ghosts crash the party: Thanksgiving is a pretty historical holiday. Many years ago, our brave forefathers wiped out/imprisoned an entire race of people, and now we eat turkey to celebrate that momentous occasion. One of these days, the ghosts of all of those people we slaughtered are going to figure out what’s going on and want to get in on that turkey action. It will be like a Halloween/Thanksgiving combo-pack.

Y L I A D R OU S L A I C E SP

6.) Everyone has to go around in a circle and say what they’re thankful for: Why don’t we all just hold hands and sing “Kumbaya” afterwards? We’re here for the FOOD, let’s not distract from it with a cheesy positive attitude. 5.) They cancel Black Friday: The only thing more important than the actual dinner part of Thanksgiving is the shopping part. Black Friday is one of the most important days of the year. Consumerism, y’all! How else can you get an iPad for $40? That’s like a million dollar discount for the Apple store. If they cancelled Black Friday, we would know that the world really is ending in 2012. 4.) The cable goes out: Watching television on Thanksgiving is basically a requirement. You start off with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, the only non-creepy parade of the entire year. Then, you watch football for an hour or nine, because this is America. Finally, you wrap up the day with one of the many Friends marathons. How are there 349,587 Thanksgiving episodes of a show that only lasted for 10 seasons? 3.) You are Chandler Bing: Speaking of Friends, Chandler’s life was seriously depressing. In each of those 349,588 (I forgot one) Thanksgiving episodes, something horrific happens to Chandler. Imagine getting your toe cut off on a holiday. The worst. 2.) Someone is a vegetarian or (worse) vegan: Tofurkey and turkey are not the same thing, and I will physically fight anyone who says otherwise. The whole point of the holiday is to eat an entire turkey in one sitting and then pass out from all the tryptophan. Don’t mess with perfection. 1.) No booze: This is a code-red disaster. Getting together with your entire family sober is actually a crime against nature. Unless you’re Amish or descended from Oliver Cromwell, you better have a glass of wine in your hand from dawn until dusk. Let’s be honest: At the end of the day, all we’re really thankful for is alcohol.

Sarra Sedghi wrote this

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no No Shave November ever Sarra Sedghi wrote this Attention all males participating in No Shave November: Guys, give us three good reasons to stop putting a razor to your face this month. If one of those arguments is “The girls will love it” or “I want to look manlier,” you either need to reconsider your decision or change said arguments to “I really enjoy disgusting people” or “I want to annoy the shit out of everyone.” Please notice that the first word in No Shave November is “No.” Please, no! This is not an acceptable fad, it’s an atrocity. We aren’t saying that beards are unattractive—hell, the right amount of facial hair will leave a guy’s classmates daydreaming about having sex with him all night long. But to grow the thing out and not tend to it for an entire month? You won’t look manly, you’ll just look like an unkempt vagina, or even worse, a terrorist. Please just groom the thing a little. Look dude, if you participate in this god-awful “holiday,” the only pussy you’re going to get is the one that’s growing on your face. There is only one beard that is more terrifying than a No Shave Novembeard, and that is the one that belongs to Seneca Crane—and that thing is a damn maze. No Shave November doesn’t just have aesthetic consequences. Think of the damages that refusing to shave

could inflict on you. Suppose your new—or longer— beard gets stuck in something and leaves you trapped? Objects as ordinary and seemingly harmless as a zipper or door could become deadly traps for your facial hair. What could you do if you were the only person in the building, or not carrying an object sharp or strong enough to cut those thick hairs and set you free? You could die or be forced to take a leak. Or what if you got some troublesome food stuck in there, like gum or melted cheese? Do beards protect chins from burns? Oh god, what if it catches on fire? Hair is flammable too, guys. Boys, your safety is at stake. Are you prepared for the danger you could experience? Do you have proper beard insurance? And don’t you dare say your refusal to follow standard hygiene is some kind of effort to call attention to prostate cancer—ridiculous, we know, but the argument did come up on Facebook. Don’t you even start that shit. If posting what color your bra is on Facebook didn’t stop cancerous cells from multiplying in peoples’ tits, then we don’t see how growing out a nasty beard will do anything greater. Get back to your ultimate Frisbee game, bro.

This isn’t a bitchy feminist rant, by the way. Condemning both sides of the shaving spectrum is just as much fun. No Shave November isn’t so easy for the girls who choose to participate, either. Just because girls are all wearing pants and tights now doesn’t mean their leg hair has stopped growing—out of sight, out of mind definitely does not apply here. It only takes a week for unshaven legs to become unbearably itchy and overpopulated with unsettling bumps. Gross, right? As you can see, the complications that come from No Shave November are far worse than whatever benefits you believe are out there (there are none). Refusing to shave isn’t just unattractive, but downright dangerous, and, also, did we say unattractive? What about disgusting? We did? Okay, good. And what did we want to say about your face? Oh yeah. Keep it clean. The world is begging you.

Thanksgiving in 3000:

Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday TBS STAFF wrote this Thanksgiving has come quite a long way since that first awkward, interracial feast. Apparently, the Pilgrims were smart enough to sail all the way across the Atlantic, but were starving because they couldn’t grasp the complexities of corn, maize, or corn mazes. The Indians felt sorry for these sad sacks full of smallpox, in their fancy boy buckles and pantaloons, and helped them survive the winter. This act turned out to be the biggest backfire in history right next to George Lucas trying to resurrect the Star Wars franchise, and Kevin Federline’s parents’ decision to drink too much wine and play a few rounds of “tickling and dickling” in 1977. In the years since the first Thanksgiving, the holiday has gone from a tradition of corn and blunderbusses, to football, awkward family tension, and the customary racist comments from grandparents. If this trend continues, the future of Turkey Day is going to be very different from the holiday that we now know and enjoy. Check that, the holiday we tolerate… through the awesome power of alcohol. One thousand years in the future, our robot overlords have done away with most holidays, for they have no practical uses. However, our most logically programmed animatronic leader, PresidentKing-and-Tyrant Barack Robotma, still permits the celebration of Thanksgiving for the time being. In the year 3000, the turkey has gone the way of dinosaur and Pogs, and the preparation of all of the traditional Thanksgiving food has been thought of as inefficient. So, in the future, the entire Thanksgiving spread has been condensed into a single convenient suppository. With the application of a little lubricant and a few seconds of severe discomfort, you can enjoy turkey, potatoes, gravy, beans, corn, cranberries, and three kinds of dip - effectively putting a whole new spin on the word “stuffing.” Football used to serve as the centerpiece of the day, for it distracted the conversation away from your loud, compulsively gambling uncle, as well as diverting attention away from Grandma saying she’s worried that your half-Pakistani boyfriend of three years is only going to marry you so he can steal you back to his country (she says this in front of him, too, thinking he is her old butler). Yes, football has turned the room’s attention into light banter about what the Falcons should’ve done, examined from every possible perspective.

In the future, we gather around and watch actual Megatrons seismically spike footballs into literal, genetically manipulated New York Giants on Thanksgiving. Fortunately, the players can entertain for hours without needing rest, so gone are the days of enduring atrocious halftime performances, which, at present day, seem to alternate between geriatric douches like John Cougar Mellencamp and Madonna butchering “God Bless America,” or boy bands that wiggle their tiny dongs around for five minutes. Of course, last year all bets were off when we had to endure ten minutes of Nickelback during halftime of the Lions’ game, as if the city of Detroit hadn’t suffered enough. Dearest readers, enjoy Thanksgiving while you can; for there may be a time in the future when we our cyborg overlords work us to death in the krypton mines and we have nothing to be thankful for or even get the day off. So this Thanksgiving, relax, grab a beer, and overeat until you hate yourself. Cherish this feeling, because the future is scary. Just ask Grandma - you can bet she didn’t plan on living to see a filthy moke president re-elected.


The Grid Friday & Saturday Happy Hour 9pm -11pm! $2 Bud Light and Miller Lite

Friday & Saturday Happy Hour until 11pm!

Monday Night Football! $6 Yuengling & Solarita Pitchers $7 Bud Light Pitchers $8 All other pitchers $2 domestic bottles $5 Moonshine Margarita

Monday - friday Happy Hour 4pm - 7pm: $1.50 Champagne and Domestic Bottles, $3.25 House Wines, Wells and Drafts, $1 Off (Almost) Everything Else

THURSDAY 11/15

$3 Pitchers $2 Wells

$2 Wells & Domestics $3 Wine, $3 Bacardi $4 Jack 3 Bombs for $10

Bomb Night $2 Cruzan Bombs $3 Jager Bombs $3 Bacardi Bombs $5 Moonshine Margaritas

$2 Speciality Martinis for Ladies $2.50 Yuengling for All Happy Hour 4pm - 7pm Adult Swim 10pm -11pm!

FRIday 11/16

Happy Hour 9pm -11pm! $2 Bud Light and Miller Lite

Happy Hour until 11!

$3 Domestics $3 Dawg Shots $ 4 Jack Drinks $5 Moonshine Margaritas

Happy Hour 4pm - 7pm: $1.50 Champagne and Domestic Bottles, $3.25 House Wines, Wells and Drafts, $1 Off (Almost) Everything Else Adult Swim from 10-11!

SATurday 11/17

Happy Hour 9pm -11pm! $2 Bud Light and Miller Lite

Happy Hour until 11!

$3 Domestics $3 Dawg Shots $ 4 Jack Drinks $5 Moonshine Margaritas

Adult Swim! 10pm - 11pm $2 Wells, Wines, and Domestic Bottles $2.50 Grand Marnier $2.50 Cazadores Tequila

SPECIAL NIGHT

SUNday 11/18

Sunday Funday!

Gruet Champagne Mimosas 15 Draft Beers all for $3.25 $2.50 Grand Marnier All Day!

Closed

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$1 Wells & Shots $2 Domestics 3 Bombs for $10

Monday Night Football! $6 Yuengling & Solarita Pitchers $7 Bud Light Pitchers $8 All other pitchers $2 domestic bottles $5 Moonshine Margarita

Bottomless Spinach Dip! $2 Wells Martinis $3.25 Specialty Cocktails Happy Hour 4pm - 7pm

tuesday 11/20

$2 All Bottled Beer

$2 Wells & Domestics $3 Wine, $3 Bacardi 3 Bombs for $10

Dollar Night $1 Shots/Shooters $1 Wells $5 Moonshine Margarita

Taco Tuesday! $1 Pulled Pork Tacos 7pm - 10pm 10pm - 2am: $2.75 Drafts Happy Hour 4pm - 7pm

WED. 11/21

$2 Wells $2 Domestics

$2 Wells and Domestics $3 Wine, $3 Bacardi 3 Bombs for $10

Ladies Night: $3 Martinis $6 Bottles of House Wine (White or Red) $5 Moonshine Margarita

10 Wings + A Pitcher of Yuengling or Heineken for only $10! 10pm - 2am: $2 Wells Happy Hour 4pm - 7pm

monday 11/19


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Happy Hour 9-11: $2 Wells & Domestics $2 Tall Boys ALL NIGHT!

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Happy Hour 9-11: $2 Wells & Domestics $2 Tall Boys ALL NIGHT!

Happy Hour 12-10: $2 Wells, $2 Domestics, $1 Off Everything Else Breakfast, Bloodies, and Brews (Only on Gamedays)! Complementary Breakfast Beer Specials & Bloody Mary Specials

SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyday! Happy Hour 4pm - 11pm: $2 Drinks and Shots, $1.50 Bud Light

THURSDAY 11/15

Happy Hour 4pm - 11pm

Ladies Night! 11pm - 2am $2 Speciality Martinis $6 Wine Bottles

FRIday 11/16

Happy Hour 4pm - 11pm! $2 Tall Boys After 11PM!

SATurday 11/17

Happy Hour 4pm - 11pm! $2 Tall Boys After 11PM!

$2 Shot Specials

Happy Hour 9-11: $2 Wells & Domestics $2 Tall Boys ALL NIGHT!

SUNday 11/18

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monday 11/19

Happy Hour 4pm - 11pm! 11pm - 2am: $1 Wells, Drinks, Shots & Shooters

$1 Domestic Drafts $3 Wells

$2 Wells & Domestics $2 Tall Boys

Happy Hour 4-10: $2 Wells, $2 Domestics, $1 Off Everything Else Live Music!

tuesday 11/20

Happy Hour 4pm - 11pm! Koozie Night 11pm - 2am! $1 Tallboys $2 Drinks & Shots

$2 Wells & Domestics All Night!

$2 Wells & Domestics $2 Tall Boys

Happy Hour ALL DAY! $2 Wells, $2 Domestics $1 Off Everything Else

WED. 11/21

Happy Hour 4pm - 11pm! After 11: Karaoke with Kenny! $1 Shots, $3 Drinks

$2 Wells & Domestics $2 Tall Boys

Soup of the Day: Whiskey $2 Bourbon Happy Hour 4-10: $2 Wells, $2 Domestics, $1 Off Everything Else

$10 Bottomless Wine, $3 Wells


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The Grid Saturday! $1.50 PBR Come Party on the Patio!

All Day, every day! $2 Natty Light Tallboys, $3 Crystal Lt. & Vodka Drinks $3 Margaritas, $3 Cuervo Tequila & Smirnoff Flavor Slammers

Everyday! Power Hour 9pm -11pm: $1 Wells, $4 Firefly Drinks All Night

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power hour daily! $1 Drinks & Shots until 11pm

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$2.50 Stella $3 Absolute Drinks

$2 Natty Tall Boys $3 Crystal Light Drinks Power Hour from 9-11! $1 Wells & High Life Drafts $2 Shooters

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$3 Cover $2 PBR, $3 Wells $4 18oz Coors Light 2 for 1 VIP and Floor Dances until 8PM

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THURS. 11/15

$1.50 PBR Happy Hour Specials 4PM-9PM

$2 Natty Tall Boys $3 Crystal Light Drinks Power Hour from 9-11! $1 Wells & High Life Drafts $2 Shooters

Power Hour 9pm - 11pm: $1 Well Drinks $4 Firefly Drinks All Night

2 for 1 VIP and Floor Dances until 8PM

Power Hour! $1 Drinks & Shots until 11pm

FRI. 11/16

$1.50 PBR Come Party on the Patio!

$2 Natty Tall Boys $3 Crystal Light Drinks Power Hour from 9-11! $1 Wells & High Life Drafts $2 Shooters

Power Hour 9pm - 11pm: $1 Well Drinks $4 Firefly Drinks All Night

2 for 1 VIP and Floor Dances until 8PM

Power Hour! $1 Drinks & Shots until 11pm

SAT. 11/17

Closed

Closed

Closed

Closed

Closed

SUN. 11/18

$1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Fireball

$1 Wine Power Hour from 9-11! $1 Wells & High Life Drafts $2 Shooters

50% Off Everything!

No Cover! $4 18oz Coors Light 2 for 1 VIP and Floor Dances until 8PM

$1 Drinks & Shots

MON. 11/19

$1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Tullamore Dew

$2 Pitchers, $2 Wine $2 Moonshine Drinks and Shots Power Hour from 9-11! $1 Wells & High Life Drafts $2 Shooters

$2 Vodka Well Drinks $2 High Life Pitchers $4 Skinny Girl Cucumber Vodka Drinks $5 Wine Bottles $5 Bottles of Wine

$1 Tuesdays $1 Cover $1 House Shots $4 18oz Coors Light 2 for 1 Vip and Floor Dances ALL Night!

$2 Drinks & Shots

TUES. 11/20

$1.50 Off All Pitchers! $2.50 Lone Star Tall Boys $3.50 Bells Beers

$1 Wine $1 Crystal Light Drinks Power Hour from 9-11! $1 Wells & High Life Drafts $2 Shooters

$2 Well Drinks

$2 Cover, $3 Shots $4 18oz Coors Light 2 for 1 VIP and Floor Dances until 8PM

Ladies Night! $1 Wells

WED. 11/21

Power Hour 9pm - 11pm: $1 Well Drinks $4 Firefly Drinks All Night

Power Hour 9pm - 11pm: $1 Well Drinks $4 Firefly Drinks All Night


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bartender of the week Brooke P. Genco Major: Communications

Would you rather have elastic limbs like Mr. Fantastic or the ability to stop time: Stop time, so I could mess with my friends.

Year Student: Senior Relationship Status: Depends on who’s asking. What’s your favorite drink: 3 a.m. and Red Bull, or really any liquor. Favorite shot: Straight-up tequila, Milagro in particular. But only if I get to lick the salt off of a girl’s boobs, take the shot out of her bellybutton, and take the lime out of her mouth, with my mouth of course. Worst drink ever: Bar mat Shot. You take all of the liquor that spilled onto the bar mats, pour them into a shot glass, and then throw it back. What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: Four guys were dancing on the bar and our gay regulars put dollar bills in their pants and felt them up. Needless to say the guys on the bar were straight. Which Disney character would you most like to hook up with: I’d say Aladdin because I think he’s DTF.

the drinking game

blackout friday

What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you: That I “took a nap” in Genco’s liquor closet one day. If you could fight one celebrity who would it be: Natalie Portman, but only if we get to Jell-O wrestle. What’s the worst pick up line you’ve ever heard in the bar: “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.” Have you ever spoken in a foreign accent for kicks: When I get drunk I speak in an Australian/Irish/English accent. And yes, all three at once. If you were some type of alcohol, what would you be and why: Tequila. Because I make people’s clothes fall off. Have you ever had to break up a cat fight: Or did you just sit back and enjoy the show: I haven’t, but I’d definitely sit back and enjoy the show and/or mock them.

Recipe for Disaster

meaty fumble

Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.

What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.

What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…

What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.

How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. - Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!

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it’s turkey time!

Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn

The Future Serial Killer

The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid

What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.

What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”

Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig — Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.

Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.


’ ’ The Protege

The Early Puberty Little Asshole

The Refugee from a War-Torn Country

What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.

What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.

What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.

The fatty fat fat fat

The poor poor kid

What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several x-rays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.

What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.

The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times) What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.


the search & find

Think you found everything in the Pleasantville Thanksgiving? Send an email to thanksgiving@theblacksheeponline.com, and let us know where it all is. If you're right, you'll win a prize!


the classtime “Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’” “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiving dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!”

madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130

“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__—who was convicted of trafficking __15__ to the world’s most powerful country, __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!”

“Enough with the introductions “Now here comes a classic—the tur__4__, let’s take a look at what this key balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avparade has to offer!” enue it—Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has burst into flames! It’s “First up today is the wonderful beyond belief! Beyond imagination! __5__ balloon! Can you believe the I can see celebrity balloon handler company chose to brand themselves __20__ running for her life. She— with a __6__? The company really she’s not going to make it! People took a turn for the worse __7__ years are taking shelter in the brand-new ago, when founder __8__ revealed __21__ Building! This is a day that that he’s actually a __9__.” will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!”

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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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the classtime

At the first thanksgiving.. Small Pox Incest Knives Pilgrims Eels Swans Three Sisters Spaniards Cucurbitaceae Hatchets

Pabst Blue Ribbon Always $1.50

Seal Squanto Paranoia Weed Excitement Beaded Jewelry Bonnets Wool Sobriety

$1.25 HIGH LIFE DRAFTS, $3 FIREBALL $1.25 HIGH LIFE DRAFTS, $3 TULLAMORE DEW $1.50 OFF ALL PITCHERS, $2.50 LONE STAR TALL BOYS, $3.50 BELLS BEER $2.50 STELLA ARTOIS, $3 ABSOLUT $1.50 PBR, PATIO DANCE PARTY!

Check out our weekend dance parties on the patio!


Georgia Fall Issue 14 - 11/15/12