FLORIDA STATE FALL ISSUE 1

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

FALL 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

ISSUE 1

TOP 10: PLACES TO SATIFSY YOUR DRUNCHIES A SEMINOLE’S STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE SURVIVING FALL ALL THE BAR SPECIALS YOU CAN HANDLE

INSIDE

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E !

W N O I T A N E L O N I M SE

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Tori Hartstein ADVERTISING MANAGER Adam Corson WRITERS Katie Reid Carrie Pinkard Lauren Olster

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.”

Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game.

I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER FOR ALL THE ANSWERS!

how to obtain money now that you’ve been fired from your summer job...

JULIE wrote this

START HERE!

WHY DID YOU GET FIRED?

I’m just a bad employee

“Creative differences”

START HERE! how quickly do you need money?

ARE YOU TECH SAVVY?

so you have trouble with authority?

I’m a pure cinnamon roll

I could wait a few days Like, yesterday

Screw the “Man”

Enough I still own a flip phone

I wasn’t bullied for nothing

are you a hoarder?

do your parents love you?

We cool

thoughts on medical procedures?

Define “love”...

Maybe

Naw man

I’m open to options Hard pass

is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

are you cool with possibly being arrested?

No I don’t think so I would do sex stuff

what is your ideal vacation

I’m down

but are you smart?

Vegas, baby!

Backpacking through Europe

are you feeling lucky?

Yeah, street smart

are you cute?

E = extremely so Lucky to be alive

My mom says so!

Like a punk Hella cute

My stuff is

donate plasma

start gambling

marry rich

sell your crap online

beg your parents

become a hacker

Skills Needed: Ability to sit still for an hour, reliable transportation, and no fear of needles

Skills Needed: Luck of the Irish, respect for Native Americans, and a tolerance for a lot of cigarette smoke.

Skills Needed: Pretty head, good in bed, and ability to smell wealthy, gullible people like a bloodhound.

Skills Needed: An eBay account from 2008, packing peanuts, and complete lack of nostalgia for anything you used to own.

Skills Needed: Middle-to-upper class background, a good puppy-dog face, and no sense of self-respect.

Skills Needed: Ability to code, a friendship with the group Anonymous, and a “V for Vendetta” mask.

a ladies’ guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you. - Molly wrote this

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship! - Amanda wrote this

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you.

Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now.

Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits.

Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home.

Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you.

Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates.

So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice.

4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both.

3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday.

2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary!

1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that.

By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later.

ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week.

TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it.

Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 28th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once.

GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you.

You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd.

Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 30th.

CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 29th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 4th.

VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 1st.

LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft.

They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside.

Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 29th, they’ll want to ketchup with you.

SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 29th.

CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero.

They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked.

Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 2nd this week.

AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once.

Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you.

Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 3rd.

PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good.

Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 4th.

JULIE wrote this

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0?

THEO

“I made 25 entries in my “things I would do for a 4.0 GPA list.” I thought this was a good start until I realized I had made 100 in the “things I wouldn’t do for a 4.0 GPA.”

A SEMINOLE’S STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO SURVIVING FALL Carrie Pinkard wrote this

Fall is upon us, Seminoles, and with it comes good TV (finally), oversized sweaters, and the sudden invasion of pumpkin flavored e’rythang. More specifically for FSU, fall semester brings everything that was dead in the summer back into full swing: football fans who’ve been hibernating beneath trees on Landis for eight months awaken, the parking lots turn into battlegrounds, and navigating the Tallahassee food scene turns into an all out clusterf*ck. But don’t worry, The Black Sheep is here to help you survive the semester and handle the three crucial elements of Seminole life: Football, parking, and food.

FOOTBALL: If you are a die-hard Seminole football fan, then great, you’ve chosen the right university. However, if you don’t care about FSU football, pretend you do. Do NOT, and we repeat, do NOT say one of the following sentences around other students; “I’ve never even been to a FSU football game,” “I honestly don’t care about who wins on Saturday,” or “Who is (insert football player’s name here) anyway?”

Other FSU students can smell your indifference to football and the next thing you know you’ll be airlifted out of your bed on Saturday afternoon and forcibly delivered to Doak to watch the game. Football is not a joke in Tallahassee. You either eat, sleep, and breathe the Seminoles or keep quiet.

PARKING: Unless you’re handicapped, or belong to some secret organization that allots you a parking spot, you will experience problems parking. This isn’t a time for applying makeup while you drive, nor is it a time for lip syncing Taylor Swift while you casually roll up to a parking garage. This is a time of war.

07

That guy in the camo pick up truck, who may or may not have just shot seven live animals, is not looking out for your best interest, nor should you look out for his. Lock eyes with that truck driver and show him you will NOT let him have that spot. YOU saw it first. Save your politeness for your professors. When it comes to FSU parking, get there EARLY, be SMART about location, and BE AGGRESSIVE. B-E AGGRESSIVE.

ZOE

“I would not eat Chipotle for a year... Or sleep with my teacher, whatever would get me a 4.0.”

FOOD: If you are in a dorm with a meal plan, you’ll inevitably end up spending all of your FlexBucks at Chick-fil-A before midSeptember or trading them to nostalgic seniors for booze.

Try to pace yourselves with those. Figure out some food items that Suwannee and Fresh Foods serve that don’t make you gag, and eat there as often as you can.

Those of you with refined taste can always go for the dining hall pizza. Eating in the dining halls is a necessary right of passage into college life, much like pulling an all nighter at Strozier or having emergency beer shits at Oglesby. If you’re in an apartment, learn to cook in that one room where you keep all your beer. That room is called a kitchen, which contains a stove and an oven, and if you put the right ingredients in for the right amount of time, delicious food might come out.

And that, dear readers, is how to navigate the three biggest obstacles of fall semester. Sure, we suppose there’s “class” and you could just eat Guthrie’s everyday until you blow up, but that’s no way to live. Yelling at people in parking lots, shaming people who don’t know the name Everett Golson, and blowing all your FlexBucks on an epic Chick-fil-A binge is the Seminole way.

SARA

“I would give up using Post-It notes for an entire semester if I was guaranteed a 4.0 GPA. It would be difficult since I’m a strong advocate of lists on colored cubes of paper with adhesive strips.”

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SPECIAL NIGHT

DAILY HAPPY HOUR: Happy Hour 11 AM - 7 PM: $5 Loaded Coronas 101 Margaritas & 3-4-1 wells

EVERYDAY: Happy Hour (4 PM-8 PM): 1/2 Price Wells, Calls, All Drafts, All Bottled Beer, House & Premium Wines!

LIVE DJ EVERY NIGHT OPEN EVERY NIGHT TIL 2AM - STRICTLY 21+

Open 6 days a week!

Come See Us To Get The Daily Drink Specials!

THURS.

$5 Chicken Quesadillas 4pm - Close Happy Hour from 11AM - 7PM $5 Loaded Coronas 101 Margaritas & 3-4-1 wells

Happy Hour (4 PM-8 PM): 1/2 Price Wells, Calls, All Drafts, All Bottled Beer, House & Premium Wines!

College Night $7 cover w/ College ID ($10 without) Bottomless Wells/Calls & Drafts 8pm-1am

Open 6 days a week!

Come See Us To Get The Daily Drink Specials!

$9.99 Chicken Fajitas 11AM - 10PM

Happy Hour (4 PM-8 PM): 1/2 Price Wells, Calls, All Drafts, All Bottled Beer, House & Premium Wines!

Top Shelf Party $10 cover w/ College ID ($15 without Bottomless Top Shelf Liquor 8pm-1am

Downtown Get Down, Happy Hour Starts at 3:30!

FRI. SAT.

Happy Hour from 11AM - 7PM $5 Loaded Coronas 101 Margaritas & 3-4-1 wells

Old Skool Saturday Best of 80’s, 90’s, 00’s $5 Rice Bowls, Happy Hour from 1-7PM: $5 Loaded Coronas, 101 Margaritas & 3-4-1 wells

Happy Hour (4 PM-8 PM): Top Shelf Round 2 1/2 Price Wells, Calls, All $10 cover for all Drafts, All Bottled Beer, House Bottomless Top Shelf Liquor & Premium Wines!

9pm-1am

Open 4:30 pm - 2 am!

Happy Hour (4 PM-8 PM): Sunday Funday, 1/2 Price Wells, Calls, All Free Tequila Shots Every Hour Drafts, All Bottled Beer, House On the Hour! & Premium Wines!

Our Fall Thirsty Moose Cards are on sale now!

Closed

MON.

Margarita Monday - Free 101 Margarita with Purchase of an Entree, Free Margarita Pitcher for Parties of 4+ Dining, Open - 9 pm

Happy Hour (4 PM-8 PM): 1/2 Price Wells, Calls, All Drafts, All Bottled Beer, House & Premium Wines!

Our Fall Thirsty Moose Cards are on sale now!

Mandatory Makeout Monday

TUES.

$1 Chicken or Beef Tacos from 3 PM - 10 PM! Happy Hour 11 AM - 7 PM $5 Loaded Coronas, 101 Margaritas & 3-4-1 wells

Happy Hour (4 PM-8 PM): 1/2 Price Wells, Calls, All Drafts, All Bottled Beer, House & Premium Wines!

Our Fall Thirsty Moose Cards are on sale now!

Open 6 days a week!

Come See Us To Get The Daily Drink Specials!

WED.

Free Queso with Purchase of 2+ Entrees 4pm - Close Happy Hour 11 AM - 7 PM: $5 Loaded Coronas, 101 Margaritas & 3-4-1 wells

Happy Hour (4 PM-8 PM): 1/2 Price Wells, Calls, All Drafts, All Bottled Beer, House & Premium Wines!

SUN.

$7 Cover Includes Bottomless Drinks 10pm-1am Live DJ every night

Open 6 days a week! Come See Us To Get The Daily Drink Specials!

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The Strip

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THE BAR GRID

SATURDAY: $10 AYCD (Wells & Drafts) 9PM - 1AM

Sunday Funday!

All Day/Night: $9.99 Mimosa Pitchers, $5 Beer Pitchers, $3 Wells and Bloody Marys

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1 Drinks, Drafts, Beers, Shots AND $10 Bottomless Beer Pitchers Until Midnight!

15-Hour Happy Hour! Happy Hour 3-7PM: 1/2 Off Starts (dine-in only), $2 Domestic Cans, Glasses of Wine and Sangria, $1 Off Well Drinks

THURS.

$1 Drinks, Drafts, Beers, Shots Until 11PM!

Foggy Fridays Happy Hour 3-7PM: 1/2 Off Starts (dinein only), $2 Domestic Cans, Glasses of Wine and Sangria, $1 Off Well Drinks

FRI.

$10 AYCD (Wells & Drafts) 9PM - 1AM

Student ID Night Happy Hour 3-7PM: 1/2 Off Starts (dinein only), $2 Domestic Cans, Glasses of Wine and Sangria, $1 Off Well Drinks

SAT.

$1 Drinks, Drafts, Shots, $5 Beer Pitchers, $5 Bombs (4 to choose from) ALL NIGHT!

Sunday Funday!

All Day/Night: $9.99 Mimosa Pitchers, $5 Beer Pitchers, $3 Wells and Bloody Marys

SUN.

Get ready for White Trash Wednesday!

Bar Bingo Night, Milkshake Mondays, Unlimited Toppings!

Happy Hour 3-7PM: 1/2 Off Starts (dine-in only), $2 Domestic Cans, Glasses of Wine and Sangria, $1 Off Well Drinks

MON.

$1 Drinks, Drafts, Beers, Shots Until Midnight!

Pint Night Starts at 7PM and Karaoke at 9PM! Happy Hour 3-7PM: 1/2 Off Starts (dinein only), $2 Domestic Cans, Glasses of Wine and Sangria, $1 Off Well Drinks

TUES.

Wednesday is White Trash Wednesday All Summer Long! $1 Drinks, Drafts, Beers, Shots Until 11PM

Trivia Night! Three Dolla Holla: Most Drinks are $3 Happy Hour 3-7PM: 1/2 Off Starts (dinein only), $2 Domestic Cans, Glasses of Wine and Sangria, $1 Off Well Drinks

BARTENDER OF THE MONTH

WED.

TREY DAVID AT OYSTER SHACK Relationship Status: Taken but it’s complicated Major: Business Favorite Drink: Whiskey soda with lemon Favorite Shot: American Honey, straight up Disgusting Drink: A Red Bull with Jagermeister What’s going to be all the drinking rage this school year?: Hmm… I think it’s gonna be gin.

Where’s the best place for a sneaky make out sesh in Birds?: Probably the bathroom.

What’s the best thing that happened to you this summer?: That’s a toughie… my motorcycle got fixed, that was pretty awesome. Now I can enjoy it ‘til it breaks again!

What’s something you wish someone told you when you were a freshman?: I hate to say this to a college student, but don’t waste your money. Start working immediately.

Which two swear words are best put together?: I guess I’d have to say fuckin’ shit… yeah, fuckin’ shit.

What is the laziest way to avoid the “freshman 15”?: Don’t drink?

Though that negates all the fun stuff in college.

What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?: Let’s go with lion.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: ‘Cause there’s an article about me in it.

PAGE 10

THE TOP TEN TALLAHASSEE ESTABLISHMENTS THAT’LL SATISFY YOUR DRUNCHIES

PRESIDENT JOHN THRASHER JOINS TAYLOR SWIFT’S “SQUAD” Lauren Olster wrote this

In order to stay hip, fresh, and relevant to all the kids on campus, FSU’s own John E. Thrasher has decided to join Taylor’s Swift world-renowned “squad.”The president merely tweeted the star asking if he could join her on tour for the sake of his student body, and Taylor, who must have had a blank space on her tour bus, happily obliged.

Standing alongside the “Bad Blood” singer and her supermodel friends, Thrasher enjoys concerts, parties, award shows, and gender equality. When questioned on his motives Thrasher said, “All year long I’ve heard the students of this campus speak their minds regarding both gender inequality and Taylor Swift in separate conversations, and I realized that hanging with T-Swizzle’s gang, er, squad was really the only plausible route to take to help our university move forward in today’s fast-paced society... I’m also a huge fan of her music.”

Taylor Swift is known for her feminist ideals, and Thrasher believes that it will help not only Taylor, but also the world if he, a man, joined the exclusively female group. He is aiming to prove that friendship squads can incorporate people of opposite sexes and still succeed in getting triple-digit Instagram likes on a group picture.

“Oh yeah we’ve taken lots of pictures together,” said Thrasher. “We usually wear all black and stand in a cluster with our arms around each other, or squat and point to the camera. It’s pretty badass. One time we even posed in a human pyramid for a picture! Now that got a lot of likes.”

Thrasher is also determined to show Taylor “just how much fun a man can be” as a friend. “So far in this process I’ve learned that I always end up feeling inexplicably guilty after listening to Taylor’s songs.

As her new friend, I want her to understand that we can have a blast when she treats guys like me as nicely as she treats her girlfriends, and I think my plan is working!” continued Thrasher. “It’s unreal how eye-opening this whole squad thing has been. There’s so much love and glitter in the air. I just hope she doesn’t turn on me when I go back to work.”

As of now, Florida State’s 71-year-old president can be seen giftwrapping and baking cakes with Karlie Kloss, Gigi Hadid, Lorde, Zoe Kravitz, and Lena Dunham, to name a few. It’s only a matter of time before Taylor lets Thrasher join her on stage and surprise the crowd at one of her star-studded concerts. “From backstage I’ve seen Lorde, the Haim sisters, all of the Victoria Secret models, AND Nick Jonas perform with Taylor on tour! This was not an expectation I had going into this journey, but now I really hope I get to sing ‘Bad Blood’ with her one of these days.”

“It’s all for the students of course,” Thrasher added, thumbing through who liked his most recent Instagram post. “The students will love that.”

The students of FSU are eagerly watching and waiting to see what this publicity will bring them. At the very least it will spread awareness about feminism and, more importantly, elevate the coolness factor of Florida State University. Thrasher is set to stay on the “1989” tour bus throughout the fall semester and will reportedly take care of school-related business from his personal iPhone. Taylor Swift has declined to comment.

The start of the new semester is upon us, but fear not! Syllabus Week offers a perfect transition from summer to fall and we have the Top Ten Tallahassee eateries that will satisfy your inevitable drunchies.

10.) Publix (aka Club Pub): After a noon kegger at the apartment, visit Publix and indulge in the infamous Pub Subs (chicken tenders, anybody?) while taking a gander at the god-like hunks that stroll the isles in their perfectly fitted Publix uniforms.

If you’re really feeling that last Natty Light you could even try Publix’s Chinese buffet; guaranteed explosive diarrhea 4-6 hours after consumption. Hurts so good.

9.) Jimmy John’s: Everybody likes the freaky fast delivery from the fellow working college student, and what makes those cold sandwiches even better? The inebriation from the vodka Red Bull and the high from knowing that it’s Syllabus Week and you’re drunk as a skunk instead of sober at Strozier. Extra points because it’s great hangover food.

8.) Voodoo Dog: You’re drunk at Madison Social and you’ve given up on the summer bod, where to eat, where to eat? VOODOO DOG. Right down the road (seriously it’s not that far, just walk). Get a bacon wrapped hot dog so good it turns your self-proclaimed “vegetarian” friend into a meat-eating machine.

7.) Momo’s Pizza: Drunchies + pizza the size of your head = PIZZA THE SIZE OF YOUR HEAD. Momo’s offers the perfect food for your intoxication needs and beer if, Syllabus Week forbid, you start to sober up after eating your weight in pizza.

They also have salads… but let’s be real, it’s the last week before you begin binge drinking coffee and have to change your permanent address to Strozier Library — get the damn pizza.

6.) Gordo’s: “Ah hells yeah dude I could go for some Gordo’s, I’m in the mood for a chicken wrap. I’m just feeling kind of sick let me just thro----” This is a direct quote after a shit ton of beers and aimlessly walking around Pensacola Street looking for a place to eat. Gordo’s is the place to go after a day of drinking and subsequent cravings for greasy Cuban cuisine.

5.) Potbelly’s “Mexican Bar” (or Pots, for anyone who isn’t a freshman): After every happy hour you can expect to see a table full of Mexican food at the door. The seductive smell of stale taco shells and mystery meat draws you in as you exit the jungle that is Pots. You enter the line, you’ll bump into a fellow drunkard then both order the same thing after bonding for a full 30 seconds over the delicious tequila sunrise you both finished. After inhaling your taco, your drunchies have been satisfied and it’s been another successful Happy Hour at Pots.

4.) The Sweet Shop: If you live on University Way, The Sweet Shop is a great place to grab a bagel with cream cheese or a Chicken Pesto Panini, especially after a round of illegal beer pong in the dorms. And don’t forget to ask for a marker to write drunken obscenities on the walls.

3.) Chipotle: “Oh my God I love Chipotle, Chipotle is mah life.” The overweight child in that Vine clip captured the #whitegirl perfectly. If you identify as a Caucasian female or really any other race/ gender, you too probably have strong feelings towards Chipotle, and those same feelings intensify when intoxicated. Chipotle is there for you and your drunchies. If you can make it through the line, that is.

2.) McDonald’s: The McDonald’s on Tennessee Street is notorious for its ratchetry seen both inside and outside the establishment. But when you’re drunk and craving a Big Mac, nothing will stop you from getting what you want. And it’s not all that bad, while you eat your food you get a killer view of the free show that stumbles in every night from The Strip. Sometimes you may even find yourself as the star of the show!

1.) Gumby’s Pizza: This is the only time in your life you can no-holds-back dip 20” of greasy cheese and bread into ranch dressing then shove it down your gullet at 3a.m. And it’s amazing. We’ll take a massive Gumby’s Pokey Stix over sex any day.

Katie wrote this

BOOZE REVIEW Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka Grade: B+

Staff wrote this

After many a horrid experience back when it was the go-to drink simply for being “cheap as shit,” we’ve done a pretty decent job of blocking the hideous fragrances and collective aftertastes of devil’s brews like Burnett’s and Pinnacle. But sometimes, there comes a moment in a man’s life where he just needs, well, a girl’s night. Aptly labeled and named, Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka looks exactly like the sort of juice a red winetoting trophy wife would pour herself several glasses of. Except it’s, you know, vodka.

Smells Like: Berries, but more specifically, the non-specifically vague ones that have to exist in the world of triple distillation.

Tastes Like: Exactly what berry-flavored vodkas should have been tasting like since your first misguided puke caused by them. Ménage à Trois lives up to its French namesake in that it actually earns its French namesake. Not sure about the prospective threesome, though.

Typical Drinkers: - Hardcore grandmas wanting to enjoy Golden Girls with something other than prune juice and insulin.

- The girl in the group who reluctantly accepts an invitation to a “cheap wine girl’s night.”

- A horny desperado who thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will be the night where a liquor’s name doesn’t fail him.

- The “Ha! Enjoy your less than $20 vodka, peasant” vodka connoisseur.

User Comments: - “It… it doesn’t burn… SWEET BABY JESUS, IT DOESN’T BURN!” - “Y’all wanna watch Sex and the City followed

by Predator 2 later on?”

- “Wow, this is so good that I can probably take it strai- UGH, no, never mind.”

- “I can’t believe those two girls slapped me in the face simultaneously. Thanks, Ménage à Trois…”

You’ll Like This if You Like: Coming back to your old, alcohol-based squeeze’s loving embrace, even if it did leave you alone and crying on several nights.

Best Described as the Last Ballsy Line of Defense You’ll Use on a Crush: “Ménage à Trois? Pourquoi, oui, mon chéri.”

What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart.

Thank God you came through. This family party fucking blows.”

Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Strawberry lollipops, bonbons, assorted dark chocolate truffles, perfume.

We Mixed With: Coke, Diet Coke, the Tears of Sexually Frustrated Men

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance.

Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang.

- For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot.

- Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that.

- When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose.

- If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place.

- If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

- Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface.

- Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine.

- Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.”

- Wait a certain amount of time, you decide.

- Carefully remove from oven.

- Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester.

- Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts.

Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner.

Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart.

You’ve got a real mess on your hands.

Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day.

In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole.

Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy.

Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole.

Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe.

Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair.

Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain.

Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system.

STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested.

STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next.

STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs.

It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot.

STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time.

STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

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CAN YOU FIND ALL 8 DIFFERENCES? IF SO, EMAIL US AT SPOT@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM AND WIN A PRIZE!

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SNAP US! (not your junk)

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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name.

But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not.

Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

WORD BANK 1) Container/ volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.)

2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year

8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show

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