Florida - Issue 1 - 4/18/2013

The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheepUF

Volume 1, Issue 1, Release: 4/18/13

You wonl. $100! loing.

Just kidd

inate! procrast 13

on page

Just... p u Just give

adlib do the mge 7 on pa

pound a coffee

ord do the won search 5 page 1

e guess th n labels o4 page 1

ll prank ca your e roommat

page 2

theblacksheeponline.com

the Quiz 1. When your final exam is over and summer has officially begun, what do you plan on doing for those long three months away from UF? a. Partying, obviously. b. Working on my tan—because everything looks better with a bronzy glow. c. Hunkering down with some books. d. I have an internship to further my career.

2. On a typical summer night, you can likely be found… a. At the beach or pool or some equivalent. b. At a baseball game. c. Working. d. Reading on the porch.

3. What is your favorite summer treat? a. Watermelon-flavored vodka. b. Strawberry shortcake. c. Vanilla ice cream. d. Popsicles.

By: Alyssa Hockensmith 4. If you had the choice of any kind of drink this summer, which would you choose? a. Whiskey sour. b. Vodka lemonade. c. Tequila sunrise. d. Scotch, neat.

5. Is UF a party school? a. Yes, but there’s more to it than that. b. I don’t know. I’m not social. c. Hell yes! Why else do you think I chose it?!? d. I would say that people do like to have a good time.

6. What is your favorite summer activity? a. Eat, sleep, swim, party, swim, repeat. b. Popping open a bottle of beer and watching the game with the guys. c. Reading on the beach. d. Hanging out with my family.

7. What do you expect to gain from your

experience at the University of Florida? a. Connections. b. Family. c. Knowledge of many different things and places. d. A good career.

8. Describe yourself in one word. a. Awesome. b. Driven. c. Creative. d. Ambitious.

9. If someone were to take a look in your closet, they’d say you have too many… a. T-shirts. b. Mr. Rogers sweaters. c. Shoes. d. Blazers.

10. What’s your major? a. Creative writing. b. Pre-law. c. Communications. d. I don’t understand the question.

1: A-4, B-3, C-2, D-1; 2: A-4, B-3, C-1, D-2; 3: A-4, B-2, C-1, D-3; 4: A-2, B-4, C-3, 4-1; 5: A-3, B-2, C-4, D-1; 6: A-4, B-3, C-2, D-1; 7: A-1; B-4; C-2; D-3; 8: A-4, B-3, C-2, D-1; 9: A-4, B-2, C-3, D-1; 10: A-2, B-1, C-3, D-4

answers:

Which Gator Alum Are You?

10-17: Adam Putnam - Politician Your ambitious and goal-oriented ways have left you to be a stick in the mud this summer.

Having the desire to succeed and get ahead in life is great, but don’t forget to have fun!

You’re in college, a 9-to-5 should be a nap, not a “productive” “job.”

18-26: Carl Hiaasen - Author You love to be alone…a little bit too much.

While being “the creative type” is great and can lead to success, it isn’t healthy to shut yourself inside the house all summer. Go out!

Be friendly! Grab a beer! Do something, preferably with people! You can’t be a good writer without having experiences, and you can’t have experiences if you don’t go beyond the scope of your computer screen.

27-34: Erin Andrews - Sportscaster You are beautiful, driven, and know everything about sports. You love hanging with the guys and being chill. While you do have goals for your future, you understand what summer is about: Boys and broads, brews, brats, and baseball. Your future can wait until the fall semester.

35-40: Ryan Lochte - Olympic Swimmer You love to have a good time! When you hear about a party happening, you’re there. But beware, you’re starting to be like that random older guy at parties who doesn’t realize he’s too old to be skeeving on little twenty-somethings. You have talent, don’t waste all of it on being wasted.

now hiring!

Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional” policy?

Marketing, Sales, Promotions, Writing, Groupies, & More!

apply online at theblacksheeponline.com

page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T ile App

! k e e W e h t f o c Pi

Mob

KING GAMES IN R D | PARTY PICS | LS IA EC BAR SP SCAN TO DOWNLOAD

THE iPHONE APP

SCAN TO DOWNLOAD

THE ANDROID APP

Sexy Anagrams

Yeah, he tapped that.

(Want to become famous next week?)

Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Sandbar Jeer Trow

Clean fair fiddle

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

word of the week Kartography:

The memorization of all maps in the entire Mario Kart franchise.

“Tilda’s kartography was so sound she knew the secret jumps at Wario Stadium and Wario’s Gold Mine.”

225 W UNIVERSITY AVE • GAINESVILLE, FLORIDA MENT

URNA O T G N O P R S BEE

/PRIZE

UP ALLY FULL C

D E C U D E R !

AYCD

TOT

!

D I E G E L L O OVER W/ C

CASH 0 5 2 $ !

Y A D TUES

C

ES I D A L R O F HT! AYCD S!

IG N AFT S R D E I 1 $ D !

A S L Y U S RG ED BEER FO HURSDAY I

T

TL

$4

BOT 0 5 .

1 $ , S R E PITCH

!

Y A D I R F S U O I C I L R A S T FUB F A R D D N A S L L E W AYCD !

G N I L F G N I R P TS S F A Y R A D D 1 $ R , U S HOT S SAT 2 $ , S L L E , $3 W S

ALL C / S R E H C T I $4 P

LONG T H G I N L L A IALS RUN C E P S MINS K 0 1 N I Y R R D E V E ALS SHOT SPECI FUBARRRR

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

The

Top 10

page 13

Ways to Leave Your Mark on Campus

We all want to be remembered. Isn’t that the point of college? Isn’t that our raison d’être? You cry into the heavens, “But how? How do I impress myself upon this Godforsaken rock?” Good news, reader! The Black Sheep’s got your back. Now, with our help, even you can leave your mark on campus!

10.) Marry the Bull Gator statue: The Bull Gator statue is one of the most iconic monuments on UF’s campus. If you were to become the spouse of this zoomorphic statue, well, you’d be crazy, but people will remember you! They’d write books about you. Just think of future Gators reading The Actual Person Who Married an Alligator Statue.

Summers at the University of Flori-Daaamn Where Did Everyone Go? Diego Salazar wrote this Over the summer UF students are divided into two groups: “The Lucky Bastards,” who get to leave the confines of Gainesville and the “Oh Shit, Just Kill Me Now, I Don’t Want to be Here” group that, well, doesn’t.

“The Lucky Bastards” will go back home and eat lots of delicious, homemade food, go on a vacation to Greece or something cool like that, or get an internship in New York with a big-shot law firm. This group can all go fuck themselves with cactuses.

These words are for the rest of us. People from the “Oh Shit, Just Kill Me Now, I Don’t Want to be Here” group will have to stay in Gainesville because they have to work, study, or just because their parents hate them.

The Black Sheep wants to show the light to those who have to stay here in Gainesville. We want to make “The Lucky Bastards” feel jealous, because Gainesville isn’t all that bad over the summer. In fact, it can be pretty cool. And no, this isn’t sarcasm.

If you like chlorine and aren’t disgusted by the fact that some asshole peed in the pool for fun, you won’t want to miss all the pool parties, everywhere, all the time. Most apartment complexes, like Lexington Crossing, The Polos, and The Estates throw giant pool parties with free beer to try to get people to sign a new lease. If you’re a stereotypical college student, you’ll do most anything for a beer, and hey, look, a thing you can do for free beer! Here! Right here! In Gainesville!

Also, Vault, The Grog, and Cantina will be comfortably empty and defiantly cheap. Forget about paying for cover, trying to squeeze through two meatheads to get to the bartender, or trying to grind with a girl while a weird dude grinds on you. Going to a bar

will finally be a nice experience.

If you want to mix things up, go to the Free Fridays Plaza Series every Friday night downtown. There’s a live music event, so you can show off a more cultured side to your summer fling. You know, because if you’re not good looking, then the best way to get into someone’s pants is by showing them how fancy and culturally diverse you are.

If you’re not all about the party and alcohol, and you care a little bit about your grades and neurons, then there’s some good news for you. Library West will be quiet and empty, so you’ll be able to study or hang out in peace. No more blonde bimbos slurping Starbucks or douchebags watching YouTube videos without earphones. In the summer, Library West is yours, baby! You could even run around inside the revolving doors until you puke if you wanted to. You shouldn’t, but you could.

Same thing for the Southwest Recreational Center, you can finally get a squat rack without having to stab anyone first.

But if there’s something that happens here in Gainesville over the summer that doesn’t happen any other time, it’s how nice people become to one another. It’s all the power of friendship! Or the lack thereof, since everyone is alone and miserable.

Summer Gaines-civilians have to come together and befriend weird people they would otherwise never talk to.

So if you’re one of those sad, weird people who have no friends, then you should stay over the summer.

The chances of someone liking you and actually hanging out with you will be greater. Just beware; as soon as everyone comes back in August, you can kiss your equally-miserable summer “friends” goodbye.

9.) Paint ALL of the trees blue: When UF spent money to realize their dream of creating authentic Dr. Seuss trees, no one objected. And why should they? You’d be hard pressed to find a better example of smart fiscal practice. But, really, it was all a tease. Surely you, like many others, wish all the trees could be blue! If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself.

8.) Write your name on a bathroom stall door: Make sure to scribble your name just under the graphic penis some modern-day Michelangelo created while dropping a deuce.

7.) Become a vigilante: Batman’s in right now. He’s touched many hearts with his unfortunate plight, and he’s not even real! Become his nonfiction equivalent, and you’ll be drowning in acknowledgement. But since you can’t get the rights to be Batman, how about Gatorman? Instead of batarangs, you can throw footballs, unlike your nemesis, Tim Tebow. People will love it.

6.) Create humongous Pokémon chalk drawings: No one will think of this, so you will be completely original. We choose you, Pikachu!

5.) Commit yourself to the art of escapology: Who comes to mind when you ask yourself, “Who was the most popular person ever?” That’s right: Harry Houdini. Houdini got his name out there by performing all kinds of crazy escapist tricks, and his mark was left upon the world. Just get a tank of water and a couple of sharks, you’re good to go.

4.) Buy everyone Tony Bennett’s latest single: Nothing says, “I don’t give a fuck,” like listening to the latest from Tony Bennett, and everyone wants to be tough. You’ll be a hero to many, and a god to few.

3.) Spread the word of The Black Sheep: You might see this as a shameless piece of selfpromotion. How cynical of you. We’re not going to get anywhere if you indulge in this bout of cynicism. Now, stop being so cynical, go tell all your friends about The Black Sheep, and let the fame overwhelm you.

2.) Become a super villain to oppose aforementioned vigilante: Super villains are in right now.

Think about it, did you like The Dark Knight because of Christian Bale’s stellar Batman performance? No! It was all about the Joker. You have to have a gimmick, though. Like, all your henchmen are baby seals, and you’re the Clubber.

1.) Just piss on everything: Congratulations! We all thought of it! Multiple animals mark their territory through urination, so clearly this would be a great play on normality. We’re all masters of comedy! Now, let’s go home, eat ice cream ‘til our teeth go numb, and cry ourselves to sleep.

Kevin Wise wrote this

[PartyPics]

Pictures brought to you by

Check out uber promotions' upcoming Events!

Wednesdays: Grog House (Ladies Night) & Gator City (Ladies Night) Thursday: 8 Seconds (Ladies Night) Friday: Gator City & Envy: 10 cent wells (9pm til midnight) Saturday: Bank Lounge: Nickel Beer & Wine night

Don’t Miss the “End of School Bash” at Gator City and Grog House on Wednesday, April 24th!

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

page 7

are you smarter than? mika farah, watress at farah's

1) The Human Body: A cataract is the clouding of this part of the eye. __________________________________________________

6) History: What river did George Washington famously cross on December 25th, 1776? __________________________________________________

2) State Capitals: Montpelier in this state is the smallest state capital. __________________________________________________

7) Media: What entity satirically touts themselves as “America’s Finest News Source”? __________________________________________________

3) Space: The heliocentric model of the universe proposed

by Copernicus states what? __________________________________________________

8) Liquor: If a liquor is 40-proof, what percent of it is alcohol? __________________________________________________

4) Math: What is two to the power of five (2^5)? __________________________________________________

9) Sports: Name five of the eight major sports franchises that call New York City home. __________________________________________________

5) Music: What was the title of the last Beatles studio album? __________________________________________________

1. The lens. 2. Vermont. 3. Heliocentric -the Earth revolves around the sun. 4. 32. 5. Let it Be. 6. The Delaware River. 7. The Onion. 8. 20%. 9. Yankees, Mets, Giants, Jets, Knicks, Nets, Rangers, Islanders. 10. Tim Gunn

correct answers

10) Fashion: What famous stylist’s catchphrase is “Make it work!”? __________________________________________________

the madlib

mika's answers 1) Uh..the cornea?

2) We’re gonna go with Rhode Island.

3) Is that the Big Bang Theory?

4) Uh…32.

5) Uhm, I’m gonna go with “Hey Jude.”

6) Delaware!

7) New York Times 8) I should know this, I work at a bar….20?

9) Mets, Jets…are Yankees from New York?

10) I have no idea.

mika's score: 3.5/10 correct

Before the Ride Back Home with Mom and Dad

“Bye __1__, see you in about 20 minutes,” my mom said as I hung up the __2__ . Now it was really time to clean up my room and get all my stuff together. I already had my __3__ all over my tiny double room, but my __4__ roommate had her own mess too. As I shoved the beer and vodka bottles into my__5__ , I also made sure to hide all the recipes from ABC Liquor. I also packed my collage full of pictures of my friends and I, dressed like __6__, one picture in particular with my friend’s head __7__ a toilet as they __8__ chunks of that Mickey D’s burger they had earlier that night.

“For the love of God, will you please get rid of that __9__ blanket?! I swear there is a huge __10__ stain on that thing! I would move it myself but I would probably get __11__ or something!” I shouted at my roommate as I also shoved a Playboy __12__ under the bed. As I pulled things like dirty old __13__ and __14__ from under my bed, I came across __15__ wrappers and a random pair of __16__. Of course, right at that second there was a knock on the door. “Sweetie, we’re here!” I heard my mom shout. As my roommate opened the door, I flung __17__ out of the window. My mom rushed in, __18__ me, pinched my cheeks, and after inspecting my face, asked me, “__19__, what is that smell and why do your eyes look so red? Are you not sleeping because you __20__ so much?” “Sure, mom…that’s it… __21__…”

I muttered as I grabbed my last bag and walked out the door.

1. Name 2. Slang for phone 3. Noun 4. Adjective 5. Item of clothing 6. Noun, plural 7. Preposition 8. Verb 9. Adjective 10. Liquid 11. Disease

12. Noun 13. Item of clothing 14. Item of clothing 15. Noun 16. Item of clothing 17. Noun 18. Verb, pasttense 19. Nickname 20. Verb 21. same as #20

By: Ashley Mondesir

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our Mobile App! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE

The Grid

DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID

special NIGHT

SATURDAY Nickel Night!

10-12 Nickel Coors Draft and Nickel House Wine

EVERY DAY! $8.99 Shock Top Pitchers, 5 for $12 Bud/ bud Light buckets $5 PBR Tallboy and a Shot of Jameson

thursday

College Night! Ladies Drink Free, $2 Longnecks Live DJ - Country, Hip Hop & Rock

Beat The ClockQ! 10-11: $1 Single Wells, House Wine, Coors Draft 11-12: $1.50 Single Wells, House Wine, Coors Draft | 12-1: $2 Single Wells, House Wine, Coors Draft 1-2: $2.50 Single Wells, House Wine, Coors Draft

FRIday

$9 All You Can Drink Wells and Longnecks Play Corn Hole and Pool! Linedance ALL NIGHT LONG $2 Saturdays! $2 Captain, $2 Smirnoff Vodka (including flavors), $2 Jim Beam, $2 Domestic Bottles

WED.

tuesday

monday

sunday

$2 Saturdays! $2 Captain, $2 Smirnoff Vodka (including flavors), $2 Jim Beam, $2 Domestic Bottles

saturday

proudly serving gainesville since 1994

Closed

Closed

Closed

Closed

MONDAY! BURGER NIGHT! $3 Burgers, $6 Coors Pitchers, $0.59 cent wings 5-9pm

Friday, April 19th and Saturday, April 20th features local band, Scuttered The Bruce

EVERYDAY! $2.50 Wells $1.50 PBR and Miller High Life Tallboys $5 Gyro and Fries

PENNY WINE NIGHT! Penny Wine for Ladies! $8.99 Shock Top Pitchers, 5 for $12 Bud/bud Light buckets, $5 PBR Tallboy and a Shot of Jameson

$6 Miller Lite Pitchers, $3 Captain Morgan

Happy Hour- 4-9pm; 9pm-close: Durty Nelly’s Television, Jams start at 9:30, featuring Leroy the Love Toy, No Cover; $2.50 domestic pints, $6 domestic pitchers, $2.50 import bottles, $3.50 import pints, $10.50 import pitchers, $5 Stoli singles, $5 Crown Royal, Maker’s Mark and Jack Daniel’s singles, $2.50 Kamikaze and Sex on the Beach shots, $5 Jager and Vegas bombs

$2.50 Wells $1.50 PBR and Miller High Life Tallboys $5 Gyro and Fries

Martini/Beer Night $4 Martinis All Night All Beers $1 off

$8.99 Shock Top Pitchers, 5 for $12 Bud/bud Light buckets $5 PBR Tallboy and a Shot of Jameson

$6.49 Coors Light Pitchers, $6 Bombs

Happy hour 4-9pm; 9pm-close: $6 PB&J, $7 Irish Car Bombs, $6 Jager and Vegas Bombs

$2.50 Wells $1.50 PBR and Miller High Life Tallboys $5 Gyro and Fries

Nickel Night!

10-12 Nickel Coors Draft and Nickel House Wine

$8.99 Shock Top Pitchers, 5 for $12 Bud/bud Light buckets, $5 PBR Tallboy and a Shot of Jameson

$6 Miller Pitchers, $6 Bombs

Happy hour 4-9pm; 9pm-close: $6 PB&J, $7 Irish Car Bombs, $6 Jager and Vegas Bombs

$2.50 Wells $1.50 PBR and Miller High Life Tallboys $5 Gyro and Fries

Available For Private Parties

$8.99 Shock Top Pitchers, 5 for $12 Bud/bud Light buckets $5 PBR Tallboy and a Shot of Jameson

$0.59 Wings, $5.99 Cheeseburger Baskets, $6 Coors Pitchers

Happy hour all day! $3 Jameson shots, $3 Jager shots and $5 PB&J

$2.50 Wells $1.50 PBR and Miller High Life Tallboys $5 Gyro and Fries

Available For Private Parties

$8.99 Shock Top Pitchers, 5 for $12 Bud/bud Light buckets, $5 PBR Tallboy and a Shot of Jameson

BURGER NIGHT! $3 Burgers, $6 Coors Pitchers, $0.59 cent wings 5-9pm

Happy hour 4-9pm; 9pm-close: $2 domestic bottles, $2 domestic pints, $5 PB&J, $3 Jameson shots, $6 domestic pitchers, $4.50 Absolut singles, $2.50 Kamizake and Sex on the Beach shot

$2.50 Wells $1.50 PBR and Miller High Life Tallboys $5 Gyro and Fries

Available For Private Parties

$8.99 Shock Top Pitchers, 5 for $12 Bud/bud Light buckets $5 PBR Tallboy and a Shot of Jameson

$6 Miller Pitchers, $8.99 Swamphead Pitchers

Happy hour 4-9:30pm Trivia Night sponsored by Jameson that starts at 8:30pm with prizes: 1st= $25 Nelly’s Gift Certificate, 2nd= $15 Nelly’s Gift Certificate and 3rd= free draft pitcher for the team

$2.50 Wells $1.50 PBR and Miller High Life Tallboys $5 Gyro and Fries

Available For Private Parties

$8.99 Shock Top Pitchers, 5 for $12 Bud/bud Light buckets, $5 PBR Tallboy and a Shot of Jameson

LADIES NIGHT! No cover, $1 Doubles for ladies, 6pm

Service Industry Night- 10% off with current pay stub; Happy hour 4-9pm; Karaoke starting at 9:30pm; 9pm-close- $2.50 domestic pints and bottles, $6 domestic pitchers, $3.50 Blue Moon and Sweet Water pints, $10 Blue Moon and Sweet Water pitchers, $3 wells/$6 doubles, $2 Kamikaze and Sex on the Beach shots, $5 Jager and Vegas bombs

$2.50 Wells $1.50 PBR and Miller High Life Tallboys $5 Gyro and Fries

If you don’t start following us...

YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEPUF Scan to go right to the page!

Sweet Mel’s

The Grid

food live music dancing

2 for 1 Long Island All Day, Every Day! $1 Wells and $1.50 Sweet Mel’s Draft from 4pm-7pm

$3.99 Chicken Tender Basket 11-4 Trivia Night! $1.75 Bottles/ Drafts, $2 Wells

Available for parties!

Thirsty Thursday - No cover! $2 pints/$3 tankards of Yuengling, Shock Top, and Amber Bock; D Bada and guest DJs on the patio all night.

2 for 1 Long Island All Day $1 Wells and $1.50 Sweet Mel’s Draft from 4pm-7pm | $2 Wells (7pm-close) | $2 SoCo and $2 Fire Eater | $4 Classic Martinis and $5 Specialty Martinis $9.99 AYC Eat Wings (11am-3pm)

“Fubarlicious Friday” AYCD Wells and Drafts

2-7pm Happy Hour, $1 off all drafts; $1 off all drafts if wearing GHoB gear

$3.99 Chicken Tender Baskets 11-4 $0.10 Wells, $3 Keystone Pitchers, $4 Domestic Pitchers

BEAT THE CLOCK! Pitchers start at 25 cents at 9 pm and go up 25 cents every 15 minutes, Plus $2 wells

Follow us on Facebook!

Fb.com/TheMidnightGainesville

2 for 1 Long Island All Day $1 Wells and $1.50 Sweet Mel’s Draft from 4pm-7pm $2.00 SoCo and $2 Fire Eater $9.99 All You Can Eat Wings (11am-3pm)

“Saturday Spring Fling” $4 Pitchers, $3 Wells, $2 Shots, $1 Drafts

2-7pm Happy Hour, $1 off all drafts; $1 off all drafts if wearing GHoB gear

$1 Wells/Drafts, $3 Vodka and Red Bull

Free wells and drafts 9pm -12:30 am

Follow us on Facebook!

Fb.com/TheMidnightGainesville

2 for 1 Long Island All Day $1 Wells and $1.50 Sweet Mel’s Draft from 4pm-7pm $2 SoCo and $2 Fire Eater

Call to reserve FUBAR for private events!

Hospitality Night (starts at 7pm): 50% off all service industry employee’s tabs (with proof of employment); $1 off all drafts starting at 7pm if wearing GHoB gear.

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Burger Baskets, $3 Keystone Pitchers, $5.90 for 10 Wings

Closed

Starting at 5pm: Get a Glass Sunday: Buy the featured beer and receive a free glass from the brewery Starting at 10pm: Sunday Schoolin’ - with DJ Bada and DJ Adikt on the Patio; $2 Yuengling and Shock Top pints all night!

2 for 1 Long Island All Day $1 Wells and $1.50 Sweet Mel’s Draft from 4pm-7pm $1 Off Bloody Mary and Jameson

sunday

Call to reserve FUBAR for private events!

Appreciation Night (open-close): 50% off all drafts if you’re wearing any GHoB gear Happy hour: 2-7pm - $1 off all drafts and BOGO glasses of wine

$3.99 Cheeseburger Basket 11-4 $3 Bacardi Mojitos, Calls, and Premiums

Available for parties!

Starting at 9pm: Trivia Night with $6 Yuengling and Shock Top pitchers all night!

2 for 1 Long Island All Day $1 Wells and $1.50 Sweet Mel’s Draft from 4pm-7pm $9.99 All You Can Eat Wings (11am-3pm)

monday

Totally Full Cup Tuesday! $250 Prize Pool Beer Pong Tournament, AYCD! Reduced Cover with College ID!

Tap Takeover!! Happy hour: 2-7pm, $1 off all drafts and BOGO glasses of wine.

Starting at 7pm, $1 off all drafts if wearing GHoB gear

$3.99 Corn Dog Basket 11-4 Happy Hour ALL DAY

AYCD Wells and drafts

Tankard Tuesday - No Cover; $3 25oz. Yuengling, Shock Top, Killians and Amber Bock drafts, $5 25oz. craft and import drafts DJ Dillon Roseon the patio from open to close

2 for 1 Long Island All Day $1 Wells and $1.50 Sweet Mel’s Draft from 4pm-7pm Trivia Starts at 7:30: Win a $20 Bar Tab $9.99 All You Can Eat Wings (11am-3pm)

tuesday

Call to reserve FUBAR for private events!

Happy hour: 2-7pm: $1 off all drafts and BOGO glasses of wine; Starting at 7pm $1 off all drafts if wearing GHoB gear Trivia Night from 9-11pm

$3.99 Fish Sandwich 11-4 Ladies Night: Ladies Drink Free 9-12

Ladies Night! Ladies drink free until 1pm Free Beer for All 9:30-10:30, $3 Captain

Wino Wednesday!

BOGO glasses of wine, sangria and wine cocktails all night!

2 for 1 Long Island All Day $1 Wells and $1.50 Sweet Mel’s Draft from 4pm-7pm $9.99 All You Can Eat Wings (11am-3pm) $0.45 Wing Night (6-10:30)

WED.

Ladies Night: 50% off all fruit beers and ciders!

Happy hour: 2-7pm: $1 off all drafts and BOGO glasses of wine Starting at 7pm, $1 off all drafts if wearing GHoB gear

Wino Wednesday!

BOGO glasses of wine, sangria and wine cocktails all night!

saturday

LADIES NIGHT! AYCD for Ladies, $4 Pitchers, $1.50 Bottled Beer for Guys!

2-4-1 Drafts!

SATURDAY! Free wells and drafts 9pm -12:30 am

FRIday

SUNDAY Happy Hour All Day! $3 Burger Baskets, $3 Keystone Pitchers, $5.90 for 10 Wings

thursday

Sat. April 20: 4/20 Event: 5-6 featured drafts all for $4.20; Buy a pint of Sweet Water 420 to enter into a raffle for a free pint glass!

special NIGHT

Saturday Spring Fling! $4 Pitchers, $3 Wells, $2 Shots, $1 Drafts

l l a e r ’ e W

! ! ! e i d o t g n i o g write A Tale re to re e w s n icke e end of times.” If D d n e e th ession with th s s a b w o r it u , s o e d m n a ti tem, ake rst of e political sys it was the wo y’re sure to m iv , e s is th e iv d m r; e ti a f m y, o m g t u s lo s e n this techno me.

“It was the b the big scree note bitchin’ g n ’d ti e h it , h ickles, in no ti 3 P s 1 ie r.

0 v 2 D o t, in m a s t c h ie d it ig a C e ese ur de of Two e sky with yo us? Look at th th e v in e li r e ie b rr ’t a c n o ty ol’ kit of days. D an and Quinn e living in the d b n l ’l re u B o y y b k n in e Writt you th

Oblivion - April 29th What it’s About: In the distant future, mankind has evacuated Earth after a devastating intergalactic war with a race known as the Scavs. When Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) investigates a fallen spacecraft and its sexy lady pilot on a routine mission to now-devastated Earth, he discovers that humans are still living there.

What Oblivion is Saying About Us: “Even if we prevail against super-alien species in the future, it doesn’t mean we can prevail against ourselves.”

Why it’s Bullshit: Everyone knows humans are merely entrapments for the immortal, spiritual thetan. And everyone knows that thetans have innumerable past lives and arrived on Earth thousands of years ago to hole up in human bodies. So if Earth is destroyed, the thetans would just leave these physical bodies behind and move on to another world.

Unless, of course, the thetan inside Tom Cruise is reliving an experience it had prior to its existence on Earth. Then it all makes sense.

Rapturepalooza May 10th, (Limited) What it’s About: The rapture is unleashed upon earth with a hilarious twist in that the animals talk and the Antichrist (Craig Robinson), is a foul-mouthed party animal. It’s up to two teens to lock the Antichrist up, and save humanity from being sucked into the netherworld.

What Rapturepalooza is Saying About Us: “Yo humanity is turning into a bunch of atheist heathens, but like, what if that Bible shit came true LOL?” Why it’s Bullshit: If the rapture is going to be anything like the Bible says it’s going to be, God, or gods, or the Devil, Antichrist, Gilbert Gottfried, or the Four Horsemen are going to rain death upon everyone in one fell swoop. Birds aren’t going to crack jokes and shit on your car, and the Antichrist isn’t going to hang around and shoot the shit with the locals. No pair of awkward teens

are going to team up with the Big Man to lock the Antichrist up, and all of humanity will die a horrible death… except the Christians. Or the Mormons. Or the Phelps family. Or the… well, you get the idea.

Star Trek Into Darkness - May 15th

Epic - May 24th What it’s About: Mary Catherine lives in a lush forest with her father, a professor who studies a group of warriors protecting the forest against evil. One day her father doesn’t come back, and upon going out to find him she finds herself among a group of glowing, falling leaves. After grabbing one she immediately shrinks and encounters the group of warriors her father studied.

She is then forced to assist in their war against forces of evil known as the Boggans, while trying to return home.

What it’s About: After being called back home, the crew of the Enterprise finds a seemingly unstoppable force has left the Earth in chaos. Kirk and his crew are tasked with leading a deadly manhunt to capture the party responsible.

What Epic is Saying About Us: “To be saved from the threat of mankind, Mother Nature has to fight.”

Why it’s Bullshit: Epic assumes that humans have seen nature circling the toilet bowl and just said “Well, we’ve already done this much damage, so...whatever. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.” No. Humanity recognizes the damage we’ve done. As a result we’ve targeted the behaviors and methods that cause such destruction and worked diligently to slow them down, hoping to reverse them. Think of how far we’ve come in just the last ten years with fuel efficiency and alternative energies, and think of where we’ll be in another ten years. Yes we’ve got a ways to go, but implying that it’s too late – that the world is on the verge of environmental catastrophe – is just silly.

What Star Trek Into Darkness is Saying About Us: “Humanity is destined to destroy itself from within.”

Why it’s Bullshit: We’re still here, aren’t we? With over 17,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, if some state power megalomaniac was dead-set on ending it all, he’d just do it. Thing is, mankind is all about self-preservation, and without another habitable planet to

ship off to, dude’s just as fucked as the rest of us. Even if some shitbird did get ahold of a bomb, he could make part of the world uninhabitable, but there’s plenty of room to live in northern Canada, even if no one really wants to while away time there.

After earth - June 7th What it’s About: After a cataclysmic event humans are forced to evacuate Earth. Mother Gaia reverts to a primal state full of lush forests and new nasty baddies that have evolved to kill humans. When Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son (Jaden Smith) return 1,000 years later, they find this out the hard way.

What After Earth is Saying About Us: “Humanity is the real parasite on this wretched rock!”

Why it’s Bullshit: 65 million years ago. 200 million years ago. 250 million years ago. 360 million years ago.

440 million years ago. These are all major extinction events that have occurred on our own planet; shit got fucked up on the oft long before we put emission regulations on the table. That depressing sack of lard who drives three blocks to buy a frozen burrito isn’t helping things, but he’ll be dead in five years. We really need to be worried about whoever keeps lobbing space rocks at us from the Oort Cloud; we’ve had our eye on you, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Pacific rim JUly 12th

What it’s About: Earth is overcome by a pandemic that sees most of the world’s population turned into zombies. United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is enlisted in saving what remains of mankind.

What World War Z is Saying About Us: “Even at the height of our society we can’t escape our basest needs.”

Why it’s Bullshit: Of course we can. The majority of modern civilization (read: non-crunchy hippies) no longer live in trees. Sure, maybe evolution over millions of years doesn’t count, but every single popular modern-day religion has basic tenents that are all, “Be cool to everyone else, man.” If we couldn’t defy our core instincts we wouldn’t donate that almostspoiled can of beans to the homeless shelter,

we’d eat that shit up. Shit, man’s driving force is survival of his genes by any means necessary, and only lacrosse players find rape an acceptable form of sex these days.

Elysium - August 9th

What it’s About: Enormous monsters arise from a crevice in the Pacific Ocean, killing millions of people and threatening humanity. To combat them, mankind builds enormous robots driven by men tasked with stopping the threat.

What it’s About: In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. One unlikely hero hopes to bridge the gap between the two.

What Pacific Rim is Saying About Us: “Against an unforeseen and relentless foe, no technology can save man.”

Why it’s Bullshit: It’s like Hollywood producers haven’t heard of vaccinations. The Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918 killed 50 million to 100 million people.

That was 1-3% of the Earth’s population at the time. Fast forward 90 years, the world’s

World war z June 21st

What Elysium is Saying About Us: “The meek shall inherit the Earth (except it’ll be real shitty because the rich people be rich peopl’n).”

population has tripled, but the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has killed 16,000 unlucky souls. Hypodermic needles with fluid injections may not be as sexy as stories-tall robots, but they’re just as good at kicking ass.

Why it’s Bullshit: Though modern living standards are better than ever for first-world nations, each day it gets harder and harder for a poor person to engender change. Back in the day of pointy sharp metal sticks all an unhappy peasant had to do was poke the king, then the dude would get head lice and die in six hours.

Modern medicine is basically the video game troll of modern society: Nice leg shot, newb.

Poor people ain’t gonna fix shit.

KEEP CAL M AND EAT AT FARAH'S

KEEP CAL M AND EAT AT FARAH'S

Best Wings & Falafel in Gainesville.

Best Wings & Falafel in Gainesville.

www.farahsontheavenue.com

www.farahsontheavenue.com

KEEP CAL M AND EAT AT FARAH'S

KEEP CAL M AND EAT AT FARAH'S

Best Wings & Falafel in Gainesville.

Best Wings & Falafel in Gainesville.

www.farahsontheavenue.com

www.farahsontheavenue.com

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

page 13

The Plague of Finals Week: Studentis Procrastinatoris Christine Latham wrote this If you’ve recently noticed the flux in student population, it’s just the the re-emergence of C-average students from their beerinduced stupor. As the semester comes to a close, they can be found crawling back to academia to spend the last two weeks of school enjoying the most underappreciated segment of the college experience: studying. These students are typically deterred from attending class by rain, cold, heat, classes uphill from their current location (i.e. anywhere North of McCarty Hall), or a combination thereof.

But in these last few days of the semester, a slew of avid procrastinators descend on main campus like the plague. In fact, the difficulties associated with end-of-thesemester crowding are like a swarming of locusts that we like to call Studentis Procrastinatoris. Here, we examine the three greatest challenges one faces when dealing with the swarming Studentis Procrastinatoris: gregariousness, migratory behavior, and dense population.

Gregariousness is established early in the swarming process, as the immature procrastinators begin to form colonies and descend on Library West. This phase of the life cycle is typically observed during reading days, when procrastinators undergo a gradual metamorphosis within the confines of the library. Nursed by a steady supply of Starbucks, procrastinators will molt away the day-to-day niceties that were previously afforded by ample time spent doing anything but learning.

On Friday evening before finals week, these nymphs will have completed their transformation, and emerge from Library West free of makeup, charm, sense of humor, designer labels, and any kind of non-essential hygiene product, such as perfume, cologne, or body lotion. Bonded by a simultaneous shedding of attractivity, the swarm that emerges will be tighterbanded than size-six jeggings on your Uncle Jim. Much like watching Uncle Jim shimmy into an offensively inadequate poly-cotton blend, the sight of the impending swarm will make you want to gouge your eyes out.

From this point, the swarm will be characterized by their migratory behavior.

The horde will consume campus and the surrounding facilities, like your Uncle Jim’s masses of fat that overflow onto the other passengers’ seats on an airplane.

In grasshoppers, swarming and the ensuing migratory patterns are behaviors induced by tactile stimulation of the hind legs. Similarly, swarming and migration of procrastinators is elicited by tactile stimulation of the posterior end, typically a good ass chewing from a professor or advisor. In both cases, this stimulation

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

“Wha's the first thing you're going to do after your last exam?”

“It’s gonna be a Monday night so I’ll definitely go out. I’d go fishing too, but I can’t go fishing the moment I get out of my exam.” - Yossi S.

“I’m gonna let out a primal scream that’s been pent up for this semester.” - Simon M.

causes the individuals to change color, eat much more, and breed much more easily.

Much to the delight of business owners in Midtown, the Friday night before finals brings an army of college students who can be readily identified by a slightly lighter complexion, a result of two days spent in the library basement, and a ravenous appetite -- characteristic of an individual who has been subsisting on Starbucks pastries, and the insatiable need for social stimulation that stems from not speaking to anyone but that creepy study buddy Dave for 48 hours straight. Migratory activity will peak on the Wednesday of finals week when the procrastinators will fill every good, quiet study spot including the basement of Marston, the second floor of the Reitz, and Pugh Hall.

Perhaps the most striking characteristic of the swarming Studentis Procrastanatoris is the sheer size of the population. However intimidating the population size, it is never impossible to control or to use the situation to your advantage. While biological pesticides often control grasshoppers, academic pesticides can control procrastinators. A few well-placed pieces of false information can cause unsuspecting procrastinators to fail exams in multiple

disciplines. False information can be passed from procrastinator to procrastinator, like a grade-dependent game of telephone.

False information has been shown to cause low to failing final exam grades, and eventually withdrawal from the university.

Conversely, procrastinators can be used as experimental models for diligent students.

Through experimentation, detailed information can be obtained on the difficulty of electives, the efficiency of bus routes, and the best bars. Procrastinators are exceptionally good models for the aforementioned activities because of their seeming lack of dignity and time management, and the ease of replacing them.

If you find that the large, unrefined population of swarming procrastinators is stripping the library of pertinent material and damaging the furniture in campus restaurants, take heart, because finals week is only five days long. After that, procrastinators will return to their burrows to underachieve, and complete their life cycle. Until then, it should be noted that locusts are edible insects, and considered to be a delicacy in some countries. If all else fails, it is socially acceptable to bite their heads off.

“Go home! I’m ready to hit up Melbourne Beach where I’m from and go skim boarding with my brother. ” - Jeffrey D.

page 14

passing the bar

theblacksheeponline.com

If you're too cool for Keystone or stopped bonging Busch Lights months ago, well la-di-dah. Test your knowledge on these blank beer labels to see how well you know your stuff. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll win a prize.

the wordsearch: Stoner lingo Baked Blazed Blunts Bong Chronic Ganja Grass

Skunk Fatty Shake Hash Spliff Heady Stoned Joint Tree Munchies Pothead Vaporizer Weed Roach Schwag

Meet The Staff campus manager Tanai Milgram

distribution manager Parker Mills

Editorial managers Teelah Kreiselman, Sarah Mason

campus director Brendan Bonham

Advertising Managers Parker Mills, Brittany Hypes

owner Atish Doshi

Writers Christine Latham, Ashley Mondesir Anthony Tran-Son-Tay, Diego Salazar Alyssa Hockenstein social media manager Kelli Conville

Founders Tanai Milgram, Parker Mills, Brittany Hypes. Sarah Mason Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608.712.0900

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1, Chicago, IL 60622 Corporate: 217.390-1747 Advertising: 608.712.0900