Delaware - Issue 7 - 11/20/2014

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 7

UD Initiative to Celebrate Fall Season Fails Miserably Paul Mooney wrote this

A recent initiative by the University of Delaware to celebrate the autumn season has been promptly canceled after being deemed an utter failure by students and public health officials. The initiative, “Dare to be Fall,” was a combination of various programs designed to be “festive, fun, and totally harmless,” according to the school’s website.

Sources say the effort might have been too much, too fast. An initiative to replace all UD buses with horse-drawn hayrides turned from good-natured, seasonal fun to chaos, delays, and destruction.

“I was straight-up kicked in the forehead,” said dissatisfied student and hayride attendee Jody Morris. “Like, that’s how the ride started. Do you know how slow hayrides are? Do you know how scary it is being in a wooden cart going into oncoming traffic?”

The sheer number of horses on campus caused logistical problems everywhere.

The skinny Newark streets caused twelve accidents in the first two days of operation. “This borders on a bit inhumane,” said Newark animal control worker Anna Gruber. “Main Street was covered in dead horses. I could just see the pain in their tearful beady eyes… I haven’t seen this many dead horses on Main Street since the Great Halloween Parade Disaster of ’98.”

An autumn-themed program which involved replacing all the water in the water fountains with warm apple cider was also cancelled.

Problems arose immediately with the heating system, as hot cider originally came out

at a near-boiling 250 degrees Fahrenheit.

“After they had to put the horse down and they forced us all off the hayride, I walked to Perkins to get water because my head was still rocking,” said Morris. “Now my face is burned, my mouth is scalded, and I’m probably concussed.”

Replacing water with cider was originally criticized for health reasons, criticisms which were quickly proven to be valid.

Within two hours of the switch, gym-goers at the Little Bob, hydrated by nothing other than apple cider, were sick and projectile vomiting all across the gym. “I haven’t seen this much vomit on the floor of a university building since the Great Halloween Parade Disaster of ’98,” said janitor David Adam.

Additionally, residue from the cider clogged and caused considerable damage to the plumbing system. Pipes burst in the Little Bob, sending scalding liquid upon the sick, miserable, and boofing students.

“I quit,” said head of UD plumbing services Jimmy Troia upon seeing the gym.

Reports say perhaps the most dangerous aspect of the initiative was the attempt to introduce wild turkeys to the campus habitat, which happened to coincide with their mating season.

“So I leave Perkins and head out to Student Health Services, but the second I turn onto the Green this wild turkey jumps on me and starts pecking me in the face. And it crawls all around me and starts trying to mate with me, I think. I had to fight it off, but he brought backup, so I’m fighting off this gang of turkeys and everyone just stands there looking and does nothing to help,” said Morris.

Touring parents and children, Frisbee players, and slack liners were all chased off the Green by the territorial birds, who had congealed into one writhing mass stretching from the fountain to North Central.

“This is the most turkey sex I’ve seen on

the Green since the Great Halloween Parade Disaster of ’98,” added groundskeeper Thomas Murphy.

After a long three days, Dare to be Fall was canceled and the campus turned back to normal.

“Was it dangerous? Yes. Do I regret it? Sort of. Will it happen again next year? Probably,” said the initiative’s champion, President Patrick Harker.

“As much as it physically maimed me, that was pretty goddamn metal,” added Morris.

PAGE 4

PAGE 7

PAGE 10

ANNOUNCED END OF DICKINSON AND RODNEY

TOP 10: DEPRESSING THINGS ASSOCIATED WITH THANKSGIVING

HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING

STOCKHOLM SYNDROME VICTIMS AMONG THE UPSET.

TOO MANY CARBS = GETTING FAT = NO FRIENDS = NO LIFE.

JUST MEMORIZE THESE ANSWERS AND KEEP TOPPING OFF YOUR WINE.

FOLLOW US @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD NOVEMBER 20th, 2014 - DECEMBER 3rd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Shannon Poulsen

STREET TEAM MANAGER Ryan Olsen

EDITORIAL MANAGER Matt Roarty

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGER Cecelia Tefft

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Carolyn Beatty, Russel Kogan Shiv Patel, Tia Hill, Katie Wall Paul Mooney, Kelly Farrell Sean McBride, Steph Miller

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Emily Nelson

QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

FOLLOW US! @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

GOBBLE

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Damn, these headphones suck!

THE FRENCH RIPPER

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

BARTOGRAPHY To produce a map that shows the location of bars in one’s city.

Ryan’s attempt at bartography was noble, but all the bars in his college town were on the same street.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Developed “Captain’s Reserve” coffee brand.

2

Born in Bothell, Washington.

3

Died in 2010.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @THEBLACKSHEEP_UD

AROUND CAMPUS

ANNOUNCED END OF DICKINSON AND RODNEY UPSETS VICTIMS OF STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

Following the University of Delaware’s announcement that long-time freshman dorms Dickinson and Rodney would be closed and the land sold to private developers, former dorm residents and current victims of Stockholm Syndrome expressed regret that the notoriously shitty resident halls were to be torn down.

“It just makes me so sad,” said Dorothy Grambel, whose former pain at living in tiny, cramped rooms had caused her to slowly develop an intense emotional attachment to West Campus. “I have so many fond memories,” she said about the time in her life that, in the moment, was almost unbearably unpleasant.

While rumors that the old, unsanitary, and yet twistedlycherished dorms would be

closed have circulated for some time, formal plans to excise the property that every year seems to get infected with mold have come only recently.

“We understand that many came to love these dorms,” President Patrick Harker said about the place so isolated and filled with despair that residents of Rodney called themselves the Rodjects. “But the university is moving in a direction that, unfortunately, won’t include them,” he continued, talking about the buildings built as cheaply as possible using federal grants in 1966.

While Dickinson is scheduled to remain open for an additional two or three more years, Rodney and Rodney Dining Hall will be gone by next fall, leaving them unable to first torment and then cruelly bond with freshmen one last time.

“I really liked the courtyard,” said

Grambel of the despondent grassy gap that evoked vivid images of a mental asylum.

Other former residents, such as now-senior and former Dickinson resident Trevor Lee, agreed with Grambel.

“I mean, who will ever get to walk down Rape Alley again?” said Lee. “You know, that place so loveable we imagined the possibility of being violently, sexually violated every time we passed through.

“To think, no one else will ever have to feel that again. Makes you weep for our future children.”

Administration officials noted that the dorms – despite their small room sizes, distance from the rest of campus, and general decay – managed to elicit enough psychologically-perverted sympathy to rank first in a survey of freshman residencies.

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“The rooms were so bad that they actually forced people to go outside, where they met other students who had similarly awful rooms,” explained Alexine Cloonan, project manager of Facilities and Construction. “The students then apparently congratulated the dorms themselves for this, which, I mean, ok…”

West Campus was also conveniently located next to the music complex, which would have been great if all the residents had been music majors. Instead, the distance from the rest of campus fostered an acute sense of isolation which many freshmen mistook for “community.”

Former residents also fondly remembered the Rodney Dining Hall, notorious for its poor quality and also beloved due to an adverse reaction to multiple and consistent instances of abuse. “The food was always a little worse, the staff was

always a little meaner, the lights were always a little dimmer,” said Lee. “Even as I’m saying it, it just fills me with so much joy,” he continued, his ego constructing

an illogical rationalization in what psychologists say is a foolish attempt to prevent further suffering at the abuser’s hand.

“West Campus, best campus!” said Grambel, without a hint of irony.

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

First Student Gets Busted for Smoking on Campus

UNIVERSITY INITIATES MEASURE TO PROMINENTLY FEATURE NON-EXISTENT BELLS

During a break between classes, Ray Simpson, a sophomore photography major, went on with his regular habit of lighting a cigarette before his next class when sources say he officially became the first student to get busted for smoking on campus.

In an email sent to the student body, President Patrick Harker outlined steps that the University of Delaware would take to make the community more aware of the historic bell tower on campus that’s actually just a speaker in the top of Memorial Hall. “Founded in 1996, our historic ‘carillon system,’ which replaced an actual carillon, will deviate from the everyday programming starting on Sunday,” the email read.

Derek Frisicchio wrote this

Before Simpson could even finish his first drag on the top of Memorial Hall’s steps, Officer Jesse Nortwood confronted Simpson about smoking on campus property, which the student government banned in an initiative last spring.

“The Chief reminded yesterday me that we had this code about smoking on campus,” explained Nortwood. “So I guess it was like, well, here’s an opportunity.”

“Somehow, despite already having none, I really lost respect for the school officials,” said Simpson. “I mean, look around.

Everyone still smokes on campus. It’s complete bull how I’m the one getting caught.”

The deviation, which the administration is calling “Bell Appreciation Week,” will introduce a new schedule of bell sounds. Rather than ringing once every hour as per usual, the bells will ring once a minute, as a sort of minute hand for bell towers. “For example,” read the email, “if it is 2:55, the bells will ring once a second for 55 seconds, and after a five-second break it will be 2:56, at which point the bells start up again.”

To cap off the Bell Appreciation Week, or to “ring in the new week,” as the email called it, the bell will play one continuous tone for the entirety of Saturday.

Nortwood reportedly agreed.

“Honestly, there are no signs around, and I think I’m the only officer who heard about the rule,” he told Simpson, “I feel bad now.”

Since Nortwood could not erase the fine (“because I already handed it out,” he explained) he had another idea in order to console Simpson. “I took out my recently-bought pack of cigarettes and told him ‘Hey, these are on me.’”

Witnesses tell The Black Sheep that Officer Nortwood and Simpson now frequent Memorial Hall’s steps for smoke breaks, becoming “great friends” in the process.

Simpson explained that, in the end, everything was for the best. “There has been some good that came out of this experience,” Simpson justified.

“Because of Officer Nortwood, I smoke menthols now.”

Sources say anticipation among the students is high. “I think the bells are the coolest thing ever,” said freshman Shannon Moore. “I mean, obviously when I realized that we don’t have a real bell tower and we play a speaker I thought it was really pathetic, but UD offers something new. While other schools have bell towers, I found out that we are alone in pretending to have things that other schools have to impress tour groups! And not having a bell tower isn’t the worst thing in the world. At least our school was founded way back in 1743; there’s nothing dubious about that fact at all!”

The school’s carillon system used to be actual, physical, real, “acoustic” bells, until it was switch to a tape in 2002 and then to a digital system in 2007.

Continuing with this tradition, rumors indicate that over the summer, the university will replace the homeless guy who plays guitar on Main Street with a boom box.

Paul Mooney wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS When you are a Pizza Emperor for Life, the only pizza available to your loyal servants will be...

DANIELLE

“Regular plain pizza so that everyone can do what they want with it to make it their favorite, and if they hate it I’ll eat it all.”

DENESH

“You know that one porno where the guy is a pizza delivery guy and he has a hole cut in the pizza to stick his dick in it?

That’s the pizza I would pick.”

KYLE

“Pizza Hut makes a pizza with stuffed crust and pepperoni.”

06

THE TOP TEN Depressing Things Associated With Thanksgiving

Shannon Poulsen wrote this Like the annual trek back to your hometown to meet your now-unwanted high school friends, here are a few items/concepts that really trigger the Thanksgiving spirit.

10.) Watching a football game with lonely men: Some may argue this is really just a sign of being in a Buffalo Wild Wings past 10 p.m, but look closer: those adults at least have companionship. Your family consists of several uncles that never married, or some that are and despise their wives. Their facial expressions are dead ringers for that Great Depression mother photo.

9.) Cornucopias: Along with stereotypical headdresses or Pilgrims and Native Americans, they exist solely to teach paper-crafting skills to elementary students across America.

8.) The promise of Christmas: After the clock strikes midnight on the eve of October 31st, all carved pumpkins begin their transformation into poinsettias. Witnessing the gradual transformation of the neighborhood is a sure indicator that Thanksgiving is coming and is also being forgotten.

7.) Black Friday: Thanksgiving may be a time of giving thanks for all that you have, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be chased with a day of commercialism! Look out for the ads that highlight the better versions of everything you have, make a list, and hunt them down twelve hours after your family’s immense display of gratitude.

COME SEE WHAT ALL THE

FUN IS ABOUT

6.) Sitting in a food coma for more than four hours: When you roll over and realize your twenty minute nap turned into a four-hour snooze, congratulate yourself for finding an acceptable excuse to avoid your family, and remind yourself to do it again next year.

5.) Seeing a turkey baster: Except for one day, they knock around in your kitchen drawer, getting in the way of your family’s carving knife, rolling pin, and other kitchen tools. So when you spot this on the counter, you know it’s Thanksgiving Time™.

4.) That cranberry goop stuff: Recognizing the prank of passing it off as a foodstuff, the whole US population prepares the Jello-like material and serves it, partaking in the traditional joke. At least, we think.

3.) Receiving questions about your weight gain: This is the first time most of your family members will have seen your post-summer body, post-dining hall diet for three months. When you hear the soft sound of “John, maybe only one cookie for dessert?” appreciate it like it’s the theme song of Thanksgiving.

OPEN THANKSGIVING AT 7pm

2.) Sitting at the kids’ table even though you’re 21: Isolated, annoyed, drinking a few glasses of wine, and jealous, sitting at the kids table is a key factor of Thanksgiving. Get back at the older family members who excluded you by teaching their kids a bunch of vulgarity.

COME PARTY WITH DJ ANDREW HUGH!

1.) Recognizing your singlehood: You can avoid confronting your relationship status from summer to fall, and you can deny it on Halloween by ignoring their group costumes, and instead sleeping with a weird, sexy version of Elsa. But you can’t deny it when you get asked if it’s “too soon” for your sister to bring her boyfriend to the Thanksgiving family gathering. For the record, it’s not, but you hate her for it anyway.

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THE BAR GRID Happy Hour! Monday-Friday 3-7PM $3 & $5 Food Specials $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria

FRI & SAT: Happy Hour 3-7 $1 Off Crafts, $2 Domestic Pints $3 Rails, $4 Ciders $5 Glasses of Wine

Open Thanksgiving at 7pm Come Party with DJ Andrew Hugh! $2 Rail Drinks

FRIDAY! $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light

Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria

Thirsty Thursday! $2 Domestic Pints $3 Shooters & Rails $4 Domestic Pitchers & LITs DJ Rundrew & Chorduroy

All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day) 1/2 Price Burgers 11:30am-3pm, House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh

DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas

Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria

9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas

Happy Hour 3-7 $1 Off Crafts, $2 Domestic Pints $3 Rails, $4 Ciders $5 Glasses of Wine

$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday Live Bands!

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light

SATURDAY

Brunch 11-4PM: $3 Mimosa’s $5 Bloody Mary’s/Maria’s 9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer $5, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas

Happy Hour 3-7 $1 Off Crafts, $2 Domestic Pints $3 Rails, $4 Ciders $5 Glasses of Wine

Brunch 10am-2pm, $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student ID)

$3 Big Miller Lites College Football

SUNDAY

Brunch 11-4PM $3 Mimosa’s $5 Bloody Mary’s/Maria’s $1 Off ALL BEERS during NFL Games

Irish Sundays! $1 Off Irish Pints Live Irish Music at 4PM

Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites

MONDAY

Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria $3 & $5 Food Specials MNF: 8PM-Close: $2 Drafts

$3 Blue Moons $4 Dogfish $5 Gourmet Hot Dogs

1/2 Price Appetizers 5pm-Close, $5 Off Big Beer Bottles Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints

TUESDAY

Happy Hour 3-7PM $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria $3 & $5 Food Specials 8PM-Close: $5 Margaritas, $18 Pitchers of Sangria

1/2 Price Burgers $4 Personal Pitchers Quizzo at 9PM

$4 Double LIT’s 1/2 Price Burgers All Day Come Check Out Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh Every Tuesday Night!

COLLEGE NIGHT! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.

WEDNESDAY

Happy Hour 3-7PM: $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks $4 Glasses of Wine & Sangria Cards Against Humanity Night: 7- Close $2 Drafts, $5 Infusion Drinks, $3 Fireball

Yuengs & Wings! $0.45 Wings $2 Yuenglings

1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, 1/2 Price Burgers All Day $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light

SPECIAL NIGHT

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

9-Close: $5 Fireball Shot & Draft Beer, $3 Infusion Shots and $2.50 Empanadas

THE BAR GRID The Gobble Off! Thanksgiving Eve at Kildare’s Live Competition at 10pm & 12am $100 Gift Cards for the Best Gobble!

Happy Hour!

4-7pm Monday - Friday: $1 Off Mixed Drinks, $6 Pitchers $2 Drafts, $4 House Wines $3 Red Sangria Glasses

Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu

$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5 Pubwiches, $2 Rail Pints BOMB NIGHT: $5 Bomb Drinks, Car Bombs & Irish Trash Cans, DJ starts at 10p, 1/2 price drinks 10p-12a

MUG NIGHT! $2 Drafts & $3 Well Drinks (Only with Mug) $3 Purple Gatorades $3 Applesauce 4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts

International Night feat. DJ Bis 9-close Drink Specials: $3 Single, $5 Double, $3.50 Corona Football Specials: $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games

$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Happy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light

THURSDAY

Newark’s Best Happy Hour! 5p-7p: $2 Drafts, 1/2 price apps Live Music 6p-9p, $3 Bartenders Choice, $3 Flavored Pinnacle Drinks, $4 Fireball, DJ Bis on at 10p

4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts 9-Close: $3 Big Bottle Bud Lights $3 Donkey Punch, $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Royal Flush shot $3 Blue Hen Shots

Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu

FREE Happy Hour Carving Station 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, Fireball Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy

Brunch (until 3p) with Bloody Mary and Mimosa bar, EPL Soccer on the Big Screen, $9.99 Celtric Entrees $4 Irish Drafts, Jameson & Red Bull Vodka, $5 Carbombs

9-Close: $4 Redbull or Monster and Vodka, $4 Bomb Shots $3 Vodka Drinks $3 Green Tea Shots $3 White Gummy Bear Shots

Newark’s New Soccer Headquarters Showing All Games!

9am-2pm Brunch: Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

Chef's Special!

DJ 9pm $4 Tall Smirnoff Flavored Drinks $2.50 Coors Light

SATURDAY

Brunch (until 3p) with Bloody Mary and Mimosa bar, $10.99 AYCE wings & fries, $4 drafts, $3 Big Arse 22oz bud lights, $3 You Call Its, 1/2 price drinks 10p-12a

Sunday Funday All Happy Hour Specials $3 Applesauce $3 Vodka Drinks

Soccer and Brunch 9am-2pm Football Specials: $3.50 25oz. Bud Light, $17 Bud Light Tower, $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $23.99

All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $19 $2.50 Coors Light

SUNDAY

$10.99 AYCE Wings & Fries, $3 Big Arse 22oz Yuengling, $3 Captain Morgan Drinks, Newark’s Best Pub Quiz at 9p! 1/2 price drinks 10p-12a

4-Close: $4 Select Craft Drafts 9-Close: $3 Chocolate Cake Shots $3 Vodka Drinks

Football Specials: $3.50 25oz. Bud Light, $17 Bud Light Tower, $6 Medium Cheese Pizza During All NFL Games Medium Cheese Pizza & 10 Wings $13.99 Large Cheese Pizza & 20 Wings $23.99

$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $5 Jose Cuervo Margaritas on the Rocks, $2.50 Coors Light

MONDAY

Burger Night! $5 1/2 lb. Burgers 16oz Long Island Iced Tea Pints, $4 Fireball, $2 Bud Lights, Newark’s Famous Karaoke Dance Party at 10p

4-9pm: $6 Pitchers, $2 Drafts 9-Close: $3 Tequila Sunrise Shots $3 Vodka Drinks

Best Happy Hour in Town Mon.-Sat. 4-7pm $3 Beer Specials $4 Signature Drinks $5 App Menu

$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $4 Tall Tito’s Vodka Drinks $2.50 Coors Light

TUESDAY

$5 Flatbreads, $3 Seasonal Drafts, $4 Irish Trilogy, $4 Jameson, $4 Red Bull & Vodka Laura Lea & Steve Duo 9pm

4-Close: $4 Glasses House Wine 9-Close: $3 Chocolate Cake Shots $3 Vodka Drinks

Yeungs & Wings 5-close $0.49 Traditional, $0.59 Breaded $2 Yuengling Pints

Half-Price Burgers $4 Tall Whipped Smirnoff Vodka Drinks

WEDNESDAY

College Night!

FRIDAY

HOW TO AVOID THE

WORST QUESTIONS

YOU’LL BE ASKED AT

THANKSGIVING Question: “Are you working at all?”

Who’s Asking It: Your uncle on your mom’s side.

Why It’s Asked: Your family wants you to have real-life experiences instead of just going to classes.

What You Should Say: “School is really my full-time job, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had some jobs here and there to get some spending money, but I definitely need to focus on my schoolwork more.”

What You Really Mean: ”If someone would be willing to hire me for the 90 minutes between me getting home for class and me heading out to hang out with friends, I’d have a job.”

Question: “Are you seeing anyone special?”

Who’s Asking It: Your aunt on your dad’s side.

Why It’s Asked: Closed-minded family members are worried you’re gay until you get married.

What You Should Say: “You know, I’m just so busy with classes that it seems almost impossible to make time for a significant other. I barely have time to make time for myself, let alone someone else.”

What You Really Mean: “It takes too much effort to impress someone of the opposite sex at 8 a.m., and that’s just something I can’t handle on a daily basis. The closest relationship I have right now is with Netflix.”

Question: “How’s that 4.0 coming?”

Who’s Asking It: Your 25-year-old cousin who just graduated from law school.

Why It’s Asked: Because it’s actually important to get good grades.

What You Should Say: “Oh, it’s going really well. I’m working really hard to keep up the As. One day you’ll be working for me!”

What You Really Mean: *Uncontrollable laughter* “You’re kidding, right?”

Thanksgiving is a special holiday that brings the whole family together to celebrate football, eating and being thankful for all the things we have in our lives. Thanksgiving is also a time when family members you see maybe twice a year ask college students the “typical” college questions. The Black Sheep brings you the most typical questions you hear around the smorgasbord of food, and how to walk the line with your response. Remember, you’re not lying, you’re just telling a modified truth.

Question: “What are parties like in college?”

Who’s Asking It: Your 14-year-old cousin who looks up to you.

Why It’s Asked: Little ones are curious about everything.

What You Should Say: “They’re not like what you see in the movies. People don’t pass out on the roof and get wild until 4 a.m. Don’t believe everything you see.”

What You Really Mean: “It’s a rarity for someone to make it to the roof before they pass out. I did see a girl throw up in her own hair at a Halloween party though, and it wasn’t because she ate too much candy.”

KATELIN HOWELL WROTE THIS

Question: “You’re not getting into all those drugs now, right?”

Question: “What do you want to do with an [insert major here] degree?”

Who’s Asking It: A different uncle on your dad’s side. With a wink.

Why It’s Asked: Because they remember college in the 80s.

What You Can Say: “I’ve been to parties where there have been drugs around. They way people act while on drugs looks so crazy, I don’t know how people do it regularly.”

What You Really Mean: “I’ve done drugs at some of those parties and I act just as crazy as everyone else. Once, I woke up in our school’s fountain in the middle of campus with no pants. I have no idea how I got there. I actually don’t know how people do it regularly.”

Who’s Asking It: Your grandmother on your mom’s side.

Why It’s Asked: Life was simpler in the olden days and they can’t imagine how an apparel studies major is a real thing.

What You Should Say: “I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’d like to achieve with this degree, but as graduation draws near I’m sure the classes I’ll be taking will prepare me for exactly what I want out of the path I’ve chosen.”

What You Really Mean: “Honestly I have no idea what the hell I want to do. Hopefully something here will point me in the right direction. I’ll take whatever job I’m lucky enough to get after I graduate. Can you believe apparel studies is a thing?”

Question: “How was the…” *another family member interrupts you* “What a cock-block, am I right?”

Question: “Have you found a church at your school?”

Who’s Asking It: Your 54-year-old uncle on your mom’s side who tries to act like he’s 19.

Why It’s Asked: You’re not really sure what just happened here.

What You Should Say: “I’m sorry, what were you gonna say?”

What You Really Mean: “What… um… I’m sorry, did you just say cock-block to me?”

Question: “What has been your favorite experience at college so far?”

Who’s Asking It: Your dad.

Why It’s Asked: This is a trick question to see what kinds of activities you’ve been up to.

What You Should Say: “Meeting people who share the same interests as me has been great. I love hanging out with people who accept me and who like to do the same things as me.”

What You Really Mean: “Meeting people like me who like to party like me and get as drunk as me. That’s been my favorite experience so far.”

Who’s Asking It: Your very conservative grandmother on your mom’s side.

Why It’s Asked: If you don’t go to church while in college, according to your conservative grandmother, you’re going to hell.

What You Should Say: “There are lots of churches around campus, but usually I spend my Sunday mornings studying or catching up on some sleep.”

What You Really Mean: “I usually rage too hard Saturday night so I physically can’t get out of bed before 1 p.m.”

Question: “You better graduate on time! Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.”

Who’s Asking It: Your grandfather on your dad’s side.

Why It’s Asked: You’re making your parents poor, and they keep asking your grandparents for money. He’s pissed about it.

What You Should Say: “I definitely know how expensive it is! I love college though. It’s been a great experience and it’s going to be really hard leaving it one day.”

What You Really Mean: “I’m literally never going to leave college ever.”

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Bigoted Relative Mercifully Falls Into Post-Thanksgiving Dinner Food Coma Katie Wall wrote this

The true meaning of Thanksgiving was present this year at the Davis family gathering, where it is reported that the Davis’ had much to be thankful for after bigoted relative Steve Davis fell into a postdinner food coma.

Mr. Davis, who fell asleep shortly after consuming two plates of turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, and three glasses of wine, is middle aged, reportedly has a yard sign displayed on his lawn reading, “God Guns and Guts Made My America” and a sticker on the rear windshield of his car showing a dog peeing on the Obama campaign slogan.

make sure everyone knew that he wished people would just shut up about Michael Sam already and that black people should learn “to stop talking jive” if they wanted to be taken seriously.

Eye-witnesses from the gathering last year tell The Black Sheep that 2013’s outbursts included racial and homophobic slurs, suspicion with Obama’s role in the attack on Pearl Harbor, and referral to fellow family member Josh Davis’s new fiancée Kim Yuang as “Ms. Oriental.”

Arnold Harlow, brother-in-law to Mr. Davis, explained that “We all noticed that he was eating an unhealthy amount of food, we were all disgusted. But I think I speak for the family when I say that any level of disgust that I had from watching him eat did not rival my disgust for his opinions.”

“I think I speak for the family when I say that any level of disgust that I had from watching him eat did not rival my disgust for his opinions.”

Sources claim that had Mr. Davis not fallen victim to the food coma that subdued him, he would likely have continued loudly interrupting unrelated conversations to

Family member Sadie Davis said, “My name is Sadie and I’m nine. I know what third trimester abortion is because Uncle

Steve told me but my mom says that I’m not allowed to talk about it to my friends.”

Even the slightest lull in conversation is reportedly seized by Mr. Davis, who fills the momentary silence with a provocation towards political debate. Topics frequented

by Mr. Davis are said to include gun control, abortion, Calvinism, the Civil Rights movement, and proper employment opportunities for women. Documented reactions to Mr. Davis’s outburst include awkward laughter, encouraging children to leave the room, and in unfortunate cases, misguided attempts to offer a moderate opinion to Mr. Davis, which last led to the conclusion that “Hitler wanted to take away our guns, too. And they won’t tell you this in the lamestream media, but all the Nazi officials were gays.”

The uncomfortable political onslaught was once again set in motion at this year’s gathering, with Mr. Davis explaining the “myth” of the gender pay gap to 12-yearold Todd Davis. However, through what has been described as, “the greatest blessing that has ever come to our family,” Mr. Davis was rendered incapable of delivering his

Newark PD To Use Money From Dage Charges On Giant Beer Fountain Russel Kogan Wrote This

rant as the meal’s dense caloric intake took hold.

Attempting to discuss the ambiguity behind “Barack Hussein Obama’s” birth certificate, only a spray of hateless crumbs was produced from Mr. Davis’ oily lips. Several attempts were made by Mr. Davis to continue his speech, but all were

In a statement released by the Chief of the Newark Police, the department plans to spend all of the $85,115 in fines from a recent dage bust on a 20-by-20-foot beer fountain, a cotton candy machine, and several hundred Insomnia cookies.

“As soon as I saw all those students drinkin’ and bein’ reckless, I knew we was gonna bring in a lotta money,” police officer Brian Kawolski told The Black Sheep. “It was like an early Christmas! All the officers began writin’ up lists of what we wanted for the department. I personally wanted to get a tiger to scare away drunk kids, but none of the other guys were having it. You know sometimes I feel like they don’t take me seriously.”

Other suggestions on how to spend the money included the purchase of a giant bouncy castle, Rolex watches for the whole department, a military tank, and a lifetime supply of Lucky Charms, which sources say “could still happen.” Another source confirms that the police are “waiting for a final quote on that bouncy castle.”

In the meantime, the beer fountain, which will cost $80,000 alone, is in the process of being designed.

Sources say that it will look similar to the one on South Green, but instead of being filled with water, it will be filled with 30 gallons of beer.

In addition, it will have a statue of a generic male student throwing up a stream of beer in the middle.

The statue will be located directly in front of the Newark Police Station.

“I’m really liking how the statue is coming together,” said Mayor of Newark, Polly Sierer. “It warns students about the dangers of binge drinking, but at the same time it shows that the Newark PD are real people who like to have fun.”

unsuccessful. Mr. Davis, wide-eyed and red in the face, finally succumbed to the coma brought on by his own gluttony.

Carl Davis, nephew to Steve Davis and theater major at University of Southern California, tells The Black Sheep, “This was the best Thanksgiving of my life. This might have been the best day of my life.”

In a letter from the NPD to the Newark City Council, the officers outlined what items they wanted and the reasons why they wanted each item, which sources say all read “because we’re fucking police officers, that’s why.”

“There are laws,” stated Corporal Greg Micolucci sternly, “and if people don’t follow those laws, there are consequences. Those consequences allow us to buy things. That’s why we figured we’d get a huge beer fountain. We’re all gonna get so fucked up, I can’t wait!”

Over the past few years, the police have reportedly gathered an arsenal of useless things with the money they’ve obtained from underage drinking tickets. They already have a golden toilet, a margarita machine, and an unquantifiable amount of Toblerone chocolate.

“There’s nothing wrong with underage drinking,” said one police officer. “Heck, when we were their age, the drinking age was 18. We just want more money.

Because more money means more Toblerone.”

The plan is to unveil the fountain on the anniversary of the dage bust to celebrate the historic occasion, where the police will hold a giant party outside the station with loud music, a cotton candy machine, and, of course, a giant beer fountain. “It’s gonna be the sickest day party anyone’s ever seen,” remarked Kawolski. “Good thing we’re all over 21.”

Both government and university officials are confident in the Newark Police’s decisions on how to spend the money. In a recent interview with University of Delaware President Patrick Harker, Harker said, “We stand behind the actions of the Newark police. Plus, those guys are my drinking buddies. You should see Micolucci chug a beer. He can do it in like five seconds, it’s insane!”

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Married • Favorite Drink: Ketel One on the rocks Favorite Shot: Grand Marnier • Disgusting Drink: Anything with cream What drink is much better in the winter than it is in the summer?: Scotch, just a rule of thumb. Brown liquor in the winter, clear in the summer.

As a bartender, what do you see as an acceptable tipping policy?: 18-20% Make an argument for fall being the best season?: The students are back.

Where’s the most surprising place you’ve ever found money?: In the Kate’s bathroom.

Who is your favorite alumnus of UD, and why?: Kevin Mench. He would always come in during homecoming and treat us great.

What are you terrible at, but fine with being terrible at?: Dancing.

ANDY of KLONDIKE KATE’S THE DRINKING GAME

The puny mortals have offended you, m’lord, what shall we do with them?: Cut ‘em off.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: For hard-hitting articles like this one.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

DEALING WITH FAMILY

THE FINAL POTLUCK

So, you’re a big shot frat star who challenges everyone he meets to outdrink him? Fret not, because your family is rounding up the troops for Thanksgiving – why not give your old greatgrandmother’s liver a run for her money?

With Thanksgiving approaching, it’s time to start training your stomach by stretching it as wide as you possibly can. Before you leave your apartment for the week, it’s time to utilize what’s left in your fridge to whip up one last masterpiece. You don’t want to come back to a fridge of expired perishables, do you? No. No you don’t.

What You’ll Need: As many boxes of wine as you can fit in your trunk.

Number of Players: You and your whole stinkin’ family. If you’re one of those families who can get more than just your immediate relatives together for a holiday, shit’s about to get real.

Level of Intoxication: Enough to not be able to distinguish between your aunt and your girlfriend.

How to Play: Take a drink when: - A family member asks if you’re dating someone.

- Somebody falls asleep after dinner.

- Somebody sneaks the dog some food.

- You talk to someone in your “family” you’ve never met before.

- Your bratty sister fights over who’s breaking the wishbone.

- You hear Christmas music.

- Your grandma starts singing Christmas music.

- Someone makes a cheeky joke about starting a diet “right after this meal.”

What You’ll Need: Every edible thing left in your apartment. Wouldn’t want it to go to waste, think of the starving children in Greenland.

Fatty Factor: What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

Let’s Get Baked: - Slam some bread down on a plate. Don’t worry if there’s mold – it adds character, texture and flavor.

- Microwave those leftover frozen vegetables you bought because you “were being healthy” but never glanced at.

- Just slab your leftover dairy and deli products onto the bread. Hold your breath when the spoiled milk comes into play.

- Grab that old bag of chips you have from the beginning of the semester and sprinkle them on top, because spices are for those fancy-schmancy high class folk.

- Close your eyes, take a big bite, and pray to god you don’t get food poisoning.

The Game Ends When: Everybody passes out from food or alcohol, and the creeping thought of hightailing it back to campus finally kicks in.

If you can stomach the whole thing, hopefully it doesn’t come back out in an hour. Chances are 70% of the shit between those slices of bread is expired, so prayers to you, friend. Be thankful that your body doesn’t hate you as much as you hate it.

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Tia Hill wrote this

University of Delaware senior Angela Talbot revealed this week that she has spent the duration of the fall semester surviving solely on free samples from eateries along Main Street.

Talbot got the idea after realizing that the employees at restaurants in the mall food court could do little to stop her from taking unlimited samples. “One day I was stuffed after eating about twelve different samples of mini pieces of teriyaki chicken from some Chinese restaurant, and after that I realized why not try it here at school?”

While a dining hall is not the ideal situation for her quest, Talbot says she often simply walks into restaurants as if she is going to purchase something, asks for a sample to help her make a decision, and then leaves. “Half the restaurants on Main Street don’t even let people take a while to choose because they’re afraid it’s gonna be me again.

“Living off free samples just means having a lot of self control, drinking a lot of free water, and having access to multiple costumes so that you can always go back and get more without being judged,” explained Talbot, who is a frequent customer at a local costume store, and makes her own fake mustaches.

“Every time she comes in here she’s wearing a

different beard or mustache, paired with her normal everyday clothes as if we aren’t going to realize that it’s her,” said the exasperated owner of Yogurt City.

“If you’re reading this, Sample Girl, WE KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE A GINGER BEARD.” Many local restaurant owners have expressed disgust with this practice, but most are more worried about what might compel a college student to engage in such a seemingly nonsensical practice.

“The first day she came back three times for icing samples, and the only reason she stopped coming in multiple times a day is because I asked her when was the last time she’d been to the dentist,” complained the owner of Bing’s Bakery. “And that was it for me, because dental hygiene is a must in the cupcake business.”

So far, Talbot has only managed to garner the attention of irate restaurant owners and those worried about her health and daily caloric intake.

“I have tried telling her that she needs to eat something bigger than the size of an infant’s fist, but she just won’t. She’s really standing by this whole experiment, no matter how much I try to tell her that bite-sized cocktail wieners have, like, negative nutritional value,” said her worried mother, whose

care packages have been ignored and replaced with mini Starbucks drinks.

Talbot, however, can only see the bright side of her recent money-saving, food-tasting adventure.

“It’s like extreme couponing, except I’ll only take the coupons if they come on a platter with a toothpick in it in the form of a free sample,” explained Talbot,

while dressed as a pirate in yet another attempt to throw restaurant owners off her trail. “Honestly, I think I deserve a reality show. I could put Honey Boo Boo to shame with my eating habits.”

When confronted about her habit and informed that millions of people do only get very little to eat every day and suffer from hunger, Talbot responded, “OMG what’s their secret? Do they have Twitter?”

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PAGE 13 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Girl Spends Entire Semester Living Off Free Samples From Main Street

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FAMOUS TOMS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 1) Tom Ford is famous for the turnaround of which fashion company?

3) Tommy Pickles is a character on which Nickelodeon show?

4) Tom Anderson was your first friend on this social networking site.

8) Tom Hanks won his first Academy Award for his role in which film?

9) THOMAS is a database in the United State Congress of what kind of information?

10) The 3rd President of the United States, Thomas who?

11) The 4th album by The Who. 15) Jean Ralphio’s friend Tom in Parks and Recreation.

16) Rotten Tomatoes is a website devoted to what? (two words) 18) Tom Arnold is famous for being married to who?

19) Tom Cruise’s real last name is this.

DOWN: 2) Tom and Jerry is a show based on what two animals?

4) Tom Brady played football for which university?

5) Tom Riddle is which character in Harry Potter?

6) Tom Petty's band.

7) This Thomas is a famous painter from the 1700s.

12) Tom Yorke is the lead singer of this band.

13) Perhaps Mark Twain’s most famous character, two words.

14) This Thomas invented the light bulb, amongst many other things.

17) A popular company, owned by Entenmann’s, that makes English muffins.

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION

Can you believe that Amanda Bynes and Aubrey Plaza are connected in 6 steps? It's so crazy! Do you know how? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!