Vol. 6, Issue 6
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
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4/24/14 - 5/7/14
FRESHMAN WHO WILL ONE DAY CURE CANCER
PASSES OUT, SOILS PANTS ON BENCH OUTSIDE LITTLE BOB PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS On Saturday around 3:30a.m., Patrick Fields, the student who will one day create an effective treatment that reverses cancerous cell growth, lost consciousness and bowel control on a cold, wet bench outside the Bob Carpenter Center. Fields, a biomedical engineering student who will graduate with a 3.9 GPA and head an oncology research team at the University of California—Berkeley, stumbled upon the bench at 3:22 after running across the brick pathway outside of the Little Bob. He had just physically collided with it, resulting in what will be found to be a hairline fracture in his kneecap.
“I DON’T SUPPORT POLICE BRUTALITY, BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE I’LL THINK ABOUT IT AND IT MAKES ME SMILE. THIS WAS DEFINITELY ONE OF THOSE TIMES.” “lol turn dwwn for wht,” Fields commented in a text message he sent to his friend at 3:25. Sources who saw Fields say that in the five minutes before he fell asleep in his drunken stupor, it was unclear if he was actually done partying or not. “He seemed to be trying to get up, but at the same time his upper body started to lie down. It was like his legs were fighting the rest of his body,” reported a Newark police officer who preferred to remain anonymous. “I’m supposed to go over and check out the situation right away, but it
was pretty entertaining.” Another bystander confirmed that at about 3:27, with the hand that would one day shake the hand of the chairman of the Nobel Prize Committee and rest on the shoulders of thousands of saved patients, the 2029 Time Man of the Year caught a yellow stream of his own chunky vomit, which he then wiped on the muddy ground. Things turned sour as Fields drifted asleep, loosening his muscles in a process he’ll learn about in future physiology classes, and defecated his pants. “At some point I realized that his legs were doing this weird crab-walk-type thing, and the rest of his body wasn’t moving, so I went over to assess the situation. Looking back, that’s probably the time he crapped his pants. He also boofed somewhere along the timeline,” said the unnamed officer. At 3:29, the future professor of biochemistry at the California Institute of Technology, who would coincidentally make his findings through research on colon cells, had fallen victim to the impaired motor ability of intoxication, as well as the effects of a diet that has very little fiber. “ug wtf wher u i gota poop,” Fields commented in another text message to the same friend, which was followed by an emoji symbol of a smiling brown triangle.
This was his last recorded comment before his brain involuntarily lost conscious and his bowels relaxed, letting flow a thin stream of diarrhea that seeped through his jeans and drizzled onto the wet brick below him. “Sometimes the students make me seriously reevaluate my life choices. I like my
job. But every once in a while, you’re staring at a pile of liquid shit, and you know there’s going to be a kid sitting in the back of your car on top of his own feces, and you’ll have to clean it up in the morning,” said the officer. “I don’t support police brutality, but every once in a while I’ll think about it and it makes me smile. This was definitely one of those times.”
When reached for comment, Fields said very little due to a mixture of dehydration and shame, but he did say “I’m never drinking that much again,” a promise to himself he’ll refute in 2025 at a national oncology research convention, where he will urinate in a row of display petri dishes and pass out on the floor.
PAGE 4 DELAWARE GIRL WINS BEST PROFILE PICTURE CONTEST
PAGE 7 IDEAS FOR MEMORABLE LIBRARY BOOK BAG INSPECTIONS
PAGE 13 WARM WEATHER SIGNALS NEW STUDENT MATING SEASON
CRAMMING EVERY CLICHE INTO ONE PHOTO SURE WORKS WONDERS.
A LION CUB? HUNDRED DOLLS BILLS, YA’LL? A GLOBE? THE LIST GOES ON.
AFTER BEING COOPED UP ALL WINTER, THE KIDS ARE STARTING TO GET FRISKY.
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