Volume 7
The Black Sheep
Fre e! L at y ike dr our ied Gra out ndm can a’s h dy co ous rn e.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 5
REDDING CELEBRATES
FIRST EVER THREE-WAY Paul Mooney wrote this At 12:48 a.m., Saturday, October 18th, reports confirm the first ever ménage a trois was performed in Louis L. Redding Hall room 371, with freshmen Stephen Hirschfeld, Stacy Wallace, and Heather Robinson. The residence hall is currently in its second year of operation. The participants are all currently in their eighteenth year of operation. Immediately following the conclusion of the event, the traditional groundbreaking ceremony that occurs at every first dorm three-way commenced. The door to Wallace’s room burst open and a shower of glitter and confetti poured down onto the floor. A lectern was carried in and President Harker entered, joined by Provost Domenico Grasso. “Dare to be first!” he bellowed over the surprisingly loud speaker system used for the event. “Students, lovers,” he said, addressing the three students, “you have brought new meaning to the term ‘3@UD.’ A lot of people dare to be first, but you have dared to be first in a way other people have not dared to be, and dared to do that first. One of you also dared to ask the other two to have a three-way, and that requires some serious cojones.” Following President Harker’s ensuing twenty minute speech, the rest of the celebrations were in order. Sources say the UD Marching Band filled the hallways of
the dorm and surrounded the bed, playing a fast, swinging arrangement of “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye in a medley with “Afternoon Delight.” Hirschfeld’s parents, Ari and Golde Hirschfeld, next approached the lectern and addressed the assembled crowd. “We are so proud of our boy for finding not one, but two nice young girls,” said Mrs. Hirschfeld. “We were so worried he wouldn’t make friends, since that’s always been an issue. He’s shy, and he’s not very athletic, but he’s been good about his inhaler and he isn’t eating as much gluten. Jordi, are they Jewish?” The air wafted with new beginnings and the smell of post-bang funk as family, friends, and friends with benefits were joined together in the wonderful celebration of life and finally being able to cross “three-way” off their bucket lists. The climax of the massive ceremony was the introduction of the all-time record holder for three-ways at UD, Vice President Joe Biden. “I would like to congratulate the three of you for such a historic event,” said Biden. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a three-way at the University of Delaware. It’s been, like, six months.” “I want to thank you and offer you praise for breaking this ground,” he continued. “This will live on, not only by every person who has to sleep on that mattress after you, but everyone in the hall who can now
feel extra inadequate about their sex life. Good luck with your future three-ways. Seriously, good luck. You’ll need it,” he added, before leaving with Mr. and Mrs. Hirschfeld to perform the second ever three-way in Redding Hall.
The ceremony concluded with blue and gold condom balloons being released, as well as three white doves, which immediately panicked at their inability to escape and started attacking and pecking at everyone in the room. After their removal,
a large banner that read “Dare To Be First” was hung in the doorway. One that read “Dare To Come Last” was hung immediately under it.
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