Vol. 6, Issue 5
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
F COM REE... PUT LIKE ERS UNA AT T TTE HE NDE LIB D RAR Y.
4/10/14 - 4/23/14
GIRL WATCHES STRANGERS’ THINGS IN UNIVERSITY LIBRARY, DIES SEAN McBRIDE WROTE THIS Delaware student Ashley Greene was found dead at her study lounge on Thursday night after the stress of watching too many strangers’ things overwhelmed her. That night, a stranger asked Greene to watch his things while he went to the bathroom. Forgetting that he left his book with a stranger, he never returned. Five other strangers saw Greene watching the book, and decided to dump their unwanted items off as well. One by one, they dropped their things and asked her to watch them while they would “return shortly.” Four days later, Greene was found dead at her study table in the library from apparent anxiety, dehydration, and hunger, surrounded by an unhealthy amount of strangers’ things. The Black Sheep interviewed her roommate, Amanda Livingston, to get her opinion on the recent passing of her roommate. “I am like, really, really sad right now. We were so similar and we did everything together. I don’t really know what I’m going to do now. It’s not all bad though. I heard a rumor that if your roommate dies during the semester, you get a 4.0. To be honest, this all came at a pretty good time because my grades were starting to slip a little bit. And look, I don’t even have to try the rest
of the semester! But I am sad, I really am. Boy, will that 4.0 look nice though.” “Greene was just an innocent girl asked by an inordinate amount of strangers to watch their things for ‘just one second’ while they ‘run to the bathroom,’ causing her to die in the seat she didn’t leave for four days” said private investigator Neil Reymond. “Never once did she question the whereabouts of these people.” The Black Sheep was able to catch up to one of the “strangers,” Ryan Francis, who had dumped his things with Greene. “I didn’t mean for her to die. I don’t think anyone actually thought she would watch our stuff for that long. I saw one guy ask her to watch his stuff while he went to the bathroom. I realized I had to go, and she said yes, so she became that designated person,” said Francis. “I mean clearly she had trust issues if she was willing to protect the things of people she didn’t even know. I was like the 4th person, too. When you see someone willing to just watch your stuff, in this world, you gotta just take advantage of it and give anything you have.” When asked why he never returned for his items, Francis responded he “trusted her enough to never lose the things” so much that he forgot he even “left them in the first place.”
PAGE 7 TOP 10: WAYS TO GET OVER A BAD INTERVIEW PUT THE SUICIDE NOTE DOWN, DAMMIT, AND FLIP TO PAGE 7.
“Watching stranger’s things has been a growing problem in libraries across America. No longer can one sit in a library, free of responsibility, and keep to themselves. Strangers now take advantage of the
weaker, loyal library-goers which has led to circumstances like this. Well nothing this extreme,” said librarian Melanie Cruger. “Greene’s loyalty is one for the books.”
A memorial service will be held at 5:00p.m. this Saturday. Personal lockers will be provided for those who to have their items protected.
PAGES 10-11 JESUS OF BLAZERETH EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.
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PAGE 15 KID WHO RIDES RAZOR SCOOTER TO SCOOT ACROSS AMERICA AN EXPERIENCE HE’S BEEN PREPPING FOR HIS WHOLE LIFE.