Vol. 6, Issue 4
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FR A 13 EE... -SE LIKE ED BEA THE LO TIN GIC GA 4-S OF EED .
3/20/14 - 4/9/14
DICKINSON HAUNTED
BY GHOSTS OF 10,000 VIRGINITIES PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS Throughout it’s fifty-year history, an astounding amount of students have lost their virginities in the Dickinson complex, leaving the spirit of their pre-sex self behind, UD construction reports state. An estimated 10,000 ghosts remain, unable to move into the afterlife. Students walking through the halls reported the virginities’ ghoulish cries, such as “This never happened, I’m not a lesbian,” coming from the girlhood of Greta Brown, ‘71. “It gets annoying, like when I’m trying to do homework and she keeps yelling ‘say my name,’” says freshman Ian Rosenblatt, whose bed was a testing ground throughout the nineties. Immediately afterwards, the same ghost emitted a faint but clear “I guess I’m allergic to latex now.” While the virginities were not originally a concern in the demolition, recent pollution codes have brought their toxicity and particulate concentration into question, citing ghost vapors as well as “that fishy stink.” “We can’t in good conscience let these buildings be taken down without doing something about these virginities. The air will be thick, everyone has to wear a mask; it’ll look like Beijing. One strong easterly wind and all of New Castle gets oral herpes,” said Delaware Public Health representative Alex Hughes. The EPA has even gotten involved, although they have a different opinion on the issue.
“We can contain this problem from the inside with our specialized Supernatural Containment Unit,” explained a representative who asked to remain unnamed. Upon hearing this, one virginity replied, “Sorry I got blood all over your sheets.” The representative continued, “Supernatural containment was popularized in the 1984 documentary Ghostbusters. Basically, we get three to four guys in here with vacuum cleaners and backpacks, and the problem should be abated within four to five hours.” Upon hearing there were six buildings, as well as a second complex next door, the representative added, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Despite its decrepit reputation, the dorm complex has garnered nostalgia from its past residents. “I’m going to be sad to see those dorms go,” said Hannah Lewitt, ’14. “I had a great freshman year living there, and it’s weird watching them get knocked down, when it was like your old home,” totally unaware that her innocence is still in Building B, occasionally weeping “Does this mean you love me?” for everyone to hear. One virginity who gained campus fame and will surely be missed is that of a sophomore RA named Moaning Myrtle after the ghost from the Harry Potter series. The name was chosen both for her position in
the girls’ bathroom as well as the o-sound she continues to make to this day. The infestation at Dickinson as well as the next-door complex Rodney has incited the university staff to take more preventive measures with newer dorms.
“It’s a tough job,” commented ghost management contractor Donald Davis. “Louis Redding Hall just went up. We did our best to keep it virginity-free, just for one semester, but there’s still one lingering on the fourth floor that we just can’t get out. Every once in a while, you can hear it softly mutter, ‘Right as you put it in?’”
PAGE 4 NEW DINING HALL BEATS COMPETITION TO A PULP
PAGE 13 GIRL SUFFERS PANIC ATTACK FROM READ RECEIPT ANXIETY
PAGE 14 STUDENTS HEAD WRONG WAY FOR SPRING BREAK
THE NATURAL LIGHT REALLY MAKES FOR A NICE AMBIENCE.
LET’S GO BACK TO A TIME WHEN THAT WASN’T AN OPTION.
WHOOPS, THE BEACH IS NOT THAT WAY.
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