Vol. 6, Issue 4
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FR A 13 EE... -SE LIKE ED BEA THE LO TIN GIC GA 4-S OF EED .
3/20/14 - 4/9/14
BY GHOSTS OF 10,000 VIRGINITIES PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS Throughout it’s fifty-year history, an astounding amount of students have lost their virginities in the Dickinson complex, leaving the spirit of their pre-sex self behind, UD construction reports state. An estimated 10,000 ghosts remain, unable to move into the afterlife. Students walking through the halls reported the virginities’ ghoulish cries, such as “This never happened, I’m not a lesbian,” coming from the girlhood of Greta Brown, ‘71. “It gets annoying, like when I’m trying to do homework and she keeps yelling ‘say my name,’” says freshman Ian Rosenblatt, whose bed was a testing ground throughout the nineties. Immediately afterwards, the same ghost emitted a faint but clear “I guess I’m allergic to latex now.” While the virginities were not originally a concern in the demolition, recent pollution codes have brought their toxicity and particulate concentration into question, citing ghost vapors as well as “that fishy stink.” “We can’t in good conscience let these buildings be taken down without doing something about these virginities. The air will be thick, everyone has to wear a mask; it’ll look like Beijing. One strong easterly wind and all of New Castle gets oral herpes,” said Delaware Public Health representative Alex Hughes. The EPA has even gotten involved, although they have a different opinion on the issue.
“We can contain this problem from the inside with our specialized Supernatural Containment Unit,” explained a representative who asked to remain unnamed. Upon hearing this, one virginity replied, “Sorry I got blood all over your sheets.” The representative continued, “Supernatural containment was popularized in the 1984 documentary Ghostbusters. Basically, we get three to four guys in here with vacuum cleaners and backpacks, and the problem should be abated within four to five hours.” Upon hearing there were six buildings, as well as a second complex next door, the representative added, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Despite its decrepit reputation, the dorm complex has garnered nostalgia from its past residents. “I’m going to be sad to see those dorms go,” said Hannah Lewitt, ’14. “I had a great freshman year living there, and it’s weird watching them get knocked down, when it was like your old home,” totally unaware that her innocence is still in Building B, occasionally weeping “Does this mean you love me?” for everyone to hear. One virginity who gained campus fame and will surely be missed is that of a sophomore RA named Moaning Myrtle after the ghost from the Harry Potter series. The name was chosen both for her position in
the girls’ bathroom as well as the o-sound she continues to make to this day. The infestation at Dickinson as well as the next-door complex Rodney has incited the university staff to take more preventive measures with newer dorms.
“It’s a tough job,” commented ghost management contractor Donald Davis. “Louis Redding Hall just went up. We did our best to keep it virginity-free, just for one semester, but there’s still one lingering on the fourth floor that we just can’t get out. Every once in a while, you can hear it softly mutter, ‘Right as you put it in?’”
PAGE 4 NEW DINING HALL BEATS COMPETITION TO A PULP
PAGE 13 GIRL SUFFERS PANIC ATTACK FROM READ RECEIPT ANXIETY
PAGE 14 STUDENTS HEAD WRONG WAY FOR SPRING BREAK
THE NATURAL LIGHT REALLY MAKES FOR A NICE AMBIENCE.
LET’S GO BACK TO A TIME WHEN THAT WASN’T AN OPTION.
WHOOPS, THE BEACH IS NOT THAT WAY.
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A man or woman who only discusses negative things. “I don’t want to be a conversatan anymore,” Quinn thought, angrily, “but everyone in this world is so dumb, it just makes everything so stupid.”
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NEW DINING HALL BEATS COMPETITION TO A PULP STEPH MILLER WROTE THIS A recent survey conducted by the Students For On-Campus Chipotle group revealed that an impressive 72.69% of students living on campus prefer UD’s newest — and still being constructed — dining hall to the other four locations available, making it the new go-to destination for meal plan purchasers. Several responses to the survey described the new location as “refreshingly modern, minimalist, and practical in design.” An anonymous participant commented: “I love that it uses all natural light. It gives the place a more organic feel to it. It’s as if the walls haven’t been put up yet! Very cool.” Mallory M., another survey participant, praised the concept of adding fencing around the dining hall. “When I walk through the gate, it feels like walking into a mansion. I feel like eating here is a privilege. In this day and age, the fences make me feel safe while I’m enjoying my meal.” President Harker has praised the new dining hall for its structure and
security. “I wanted to bring this school into the 21st century by giving them a state-of-the-art place to eat. I think we’ve done an excellent job in providing that. The dining hall is secured by a top notch fence, and my genius design gives students a totally new way to experience on-campus dining.” Harker was also proud to announce that the university saved an “undetermined yet large sum of money” by implementing the groundbreaking design. Harker insisted that all of that money would go directly into his annual bonus. When asked about the planning of the dining hall, Harker made sure to take the credit he deserved. “This was an idea that just happened to cross my mind after several people told me about it and I ignored them. I always give credit where it’s due, so I have to say I’m really proud of myself for making this happen.” It’s not just the innovative design
that impressed students; the menu is also drawing lots of attention. UD’s four traditional dining halls typically aim to serve mass-produced versions of home-cooked meals, such as Vegan American Style Meatloaf, Steamed Prince William Blend Vegetables, and Bumblebee Salad. Sometimes, they even recreate local fast food favorites such as the Blue Hen Bowl. But the newly opened location has taken an entirely different approach: a stripped-down menu with only crowd-pleasing choices and little variation. It’s unheard of at UD, but students have quickly fallen in love with it. Each morning the dining hall serves donuts and coffee that employees pick up on the way to work. The food is placed on a single wooden table next to one of a few bulldozers kept on site. “It’s simple and satisfying,” said Carly Burisky of the dining hall’s breakfast offering. “It’s like walking into Dunkin’ Donuts — there’s even a Box O’ Joe! It’s so much better than the coffee machines at the other dining
halls here.” At lunch, employees are sent to pick up sandwiches from the local Subway, which allows students visiting the dining hall to customize their meal in a way that isn’t possible at the other locations. At five o’clock, a Domino’s car arrives, and students can enjoy delivery-quality pizza courtesy of the staff on hand. After the pizza arrives, the staff leaves for the night. “It’s easily the best pizza on campus,” she mumbled through the pizza in her mouth. “It’s always fresh, right out of the box. Why don’t the other halls do this?” Several students were eager to tell The Black Sheep about how much the dining hall means to them. Andrew Russo, a senior, lives off campus but goes out of his way to eat at the dining hall anyway. “I actually live at The Retreat, so it’s an hour away, easy,” he admitted. But that isn’t stopping him from eating here three times a day. “I paid for a meal plan just so I could eat here. It’s
that good.” Matthew Miller, a freshman, had a lot to say about the new eatery. “I live in Dickinson, but I walk here every day. It’d be easier to eat at Rodney, but this is like eating on Main Street. I don’t even have to swipe my ID to get in!” Miller even wrote a touching poem about the dining hall. The Black Sheep has exclusive rights to his masterpiece: When I want some real cuisine I walk across the campus green To where the sun light shines all day And sandwiches are made my way Forget the rotten dining food Always eat here or you’ll get screwed! Award-winning campus sweetheart Miss Diana is rumored to be transferring to the new location once
the roof is finished in a few months, which would make it unbeatable in both popularity and quality service. In a pop-up poll conducted at all five dining locations on campus, 97% of the students polled said they would eat wherever Miss Diana was working. The other 3% had used guest swipes and were not students at the school. It is unclear if she will begin wearing a reflective vest and white hardhat to match the other employees. The new dining hall is still waiting on its official name. Unofficial sources close to President Harker have hinted that it will be named after New Jersey Governor and UD alumnus Chris Christie. Christie is the favorite to earn the honor, as he is a testament to UD’s all-you-can-eat dining tradition.
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AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS IF YOU COULD DO ONE THING ON SPRING BREAK WITH NO CONSEQUENCES, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Brad
“I’d go hunting with Dick Cheney.”
“Go to a different country and not pay — paying is a consequence!”
“I can’t even begin to describe it. It’d be like The Hangover.”
PEOPLE YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAY HI TO WHEN YOU PASS THEM ON CAMPUS
M at at E e om
RUSSEL KOGAN WROTE THIS Quick! There’s someone you see from your second class of the day waving to you, do you wave back? Courtesy says wave back. Here is a list of 10 people you DON’T have to say hi to. In fact, you probably shouldn’t ever say hi to them. 10.) The girl your roommate brought back last weekend: You were about to fall asleep when suddenly, your drunk roommate comes in with a girl twice his size. You cover your head with blankets, but it’s hard not to hear unusual clapping sounds followed by giggling. She wasn’t even aware that you were in the room, so no fake “Hello!” is required. 9.) The classmate you’ve never said a word to: You know him as the kid who always raises his hand but never knows the right answer. You have a strange fascination with his eyebrows. Sure you know his face, but facial recognition does not demand shaking your open-palmed hand. 8.) The guy who you asked if he was still using that bench at the Little Bob: Chances are he’s a professional weight lifter and UFC fighter in some Delaware ring of wrestling. Plus, when you asked, he was still using that bench. If you pass him on the way to class, just walk right by. Besides, if you even look at him again, he might kick your ass.
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7.) The people who you engaged in 2-minute meaningless conversations during Rush: He knows where you live on campus, why you wanted to rush, your major, and where you’re from. But considering you didn’t get a bid, he probably hates you. Stare straight ahead.
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6.) The kid who shared an elevator with you: You recognize her from around campus, but don’t know much more. When she left the elevator, you let out the fart you were holding in, and convinced yourself that she didn’t hear it. Don’t try to redeem yourself by saying “hi” to her on the way to class—trust us, she heard.
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5.) The girl that you made magical love-at-first-sight eye-contact with for a split second: You were in the dining hall getting your usual blend of ginger ale and apple juice when there she was. She looked like an angel in yoga pants. As soon as you felt a boner coming on, you made awkward eye-contact with her and immediately averted your gaze. Try talking to her when you’re drunk at a party, not while rushing to class. 4.) One of the kids you met within the first few days of school: You were moving in with your parents when you first saw him. His dad made some dumb joketo your dad about kids growing up. You know his name and he probably knows yours, but it’s ok to let the freshman kindness die out. Don’t wave.
IT’S TIME TO GET OUT
3.) The guy who you caught masturbating: You were looking for his roommate and you opened the door. He was at his desk making passionate love with himself. You made unbearable eye-contact with him as you said “sorry,” and walked out. Please, don’t say hi to him.
SEXY SUNDRESS PARTY TUESDAY, APRIL 8th
2.) The guy who caught you masturbating: You were making passionate love with yourself when one of your roommate’s friends bursts in. You make unbearable eye-contact with him as he says ”sorry,’ and walks out. Don’t expect him to say hi to you, don’t say hi back, and definitely don’t wave to him with the hand he caught you making love to.
LITTLE BLACK DRESS PARTY TUESDAY, APRIL 29th
1.) The girl who lied that she had a boyfriend so she didn’t have to dance with you: You were at a party when you asked a lovely maiden if she wanted to dance. She responded with a gentle “sorry, I have a boyfriend.” You saw her with three guys that night, two of which brought her upstairs. If you do happen to pass her, don’t acknowledge her. By now, she’s forgotten you even crossed her path.
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Everyday! $3 12oz beers, $5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees
Ole After Hours (Everyday, 10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
GET OUT THOSE DRESSES! Annual Sexy Sundress Party 4/8 Our Little Black Dress Party 4/29 With Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh $4 Double LIT’s Every Tuesday!
Monday-Friday Happy Hour 3-7 $2 16oz Domestic Drafts $3 22oz Domestic Drafts $2 Rail Drinks 1/2 price glasses of house wine
Free upgrade to a fruit head hookah with the purchase of two entrees
Live Entertainment! $2 Drafts $4 Mojitos, Margaritas Infusion Drinks Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day) 1/2 Price Burgers 11:30am-3pm, House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh
Buy one get one free all flatbread pizzas all day long $6 48oz pitchers of Coors Light, Miller Lite, or Yuengling 8-close
$5 Long Island Ice Teas
$3 Coronas, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
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$5 Apps 3-6 and 10-close
$3 All 12oz Beer
Spanish Brunch 11 am to 3 pm, $3 Mimosas During Brunch $3 Bud Light, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
$2.50 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student id)
$4 Pinnacle Vodka Drinks 8-close
Free appetizer with purchase of 2 entrees
Spanish Brunch 11 am to 3 pm, $3 Mimosas During Brunch Desserts 50% off from 3 to close Ole After Hours (10pm to Close)
Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover
Sunday Funday All Day Happy Hour Drinks $2 16oz Domestic Drafts $3 22oz Domestic Drafts $2 Rail Drinks 1/2 price glasses of house wine
$3 12oz Dogfish Head, Free $5 appetizer with purchase of two entrees
$2.50 Montaditos (Spanish Sliders, $3 Buds Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials, $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
1/2 Price Appetizers 5pmClose, $5 Off Big Beer Bottles Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM
1/2 Price Boneless Wings All Day Long! $5 Ole Smokey Moonshine Drinks (8-Close)
$5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees
$2.50 Empanadas, $2 Drafts Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
$4 Double LIT’s Every Tuesday!
Kids eat free all day long with the purchase of an adult entree! Trivia with a chance to win $50, $30, or $20 in Turtle Bucks $5 LIT’s 8-close
$3 12oz Blue Moon
$3 Captian Morgan, $2 Draft Beers, $5 Flatbread Pizzas Ole After Hours (10pm to Close) $3 Beer Specials $3 Shots, $4 Vodka Drinks
1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, $10 Pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea, $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft, Karaoke!
$3 off Burgers all day long $3.50 bottles of Dogfish 90, Sierra Nevada, Anchor Steam, Barking Squirrel, Flying Dog, Otter Creek 8-close
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid
DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas
$5 Pubwiches, $2 Rail Pints, $5 Bomb Drinks, Car Bombs & Irish Trash Cans, DJ Collision 10pm
1/2 Price Wings, DJ Kevin Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
International Night with DJ BIS No Cover! $2.50 Bud Light, $3.50 Corona $3 Whatevers
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Happy Hour! 6pm - 8pm: $2 Select Drafts, 1/2 Price Apps $3 Bartender’s Choice, $3 Flavored Pinnacle Drinks, DJ Collision 10pm
1/2 Price Salads 11am-4pm, Seafood Night, DJ Nii Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $4 Long Island Ice Teas, $4 Fireball and Blue Ball Shots
Live Acoustic Music from 6 - 10 College Night! $3 Bacardi Oakheart Mugs, $2 24oz Drafts
Brunch 11am - 2pm, Live DJ 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Washington Apples
Book Your Event or Party! Call 302-738-0808
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
Brunch 10am - 2pm, 1/2 Price Entrees 4pm - 10pm, 1/2 Price Apps 9pm - Close 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails
Lazy Day with Luke and Ashley, $3 Mimosas All Day
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $19 $2.50 Coors Light
1/2 Price Apps 4-7PM
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar until 3pm
$3 Carlsberg, $3 Fireball and Bartender’s Choice, $4 Red Bull Vodka, DJ Infamos (9pm-1am)
Wednesday - Wings and Yuengs
$2.50 COORS LIGHT ALL DAY, EVERY DAY!
$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Hapy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light College Night!
FREE Happy Hour Carving Station 9pm - Close: $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts, $3 Rail Drinks, SoCo Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
Tuesday - Karaoke Night
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles, $4.50 RBVs
Happy Hour! Monday-Thursday, 6pm-8pm 1/2 Prize Apps, 22oz Draft Specials, $3 Beer of the Month Pints
EVERYDAY: $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar until 3pm 1/2 Off Entrees, $3 22oz Bud Light, $3 Call Drinks
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
Wing Night! $0.35 Wings, $3 22oz Yuengling, $2 Rail Pints Pub Quiz: Win Prizes! 9- 12am
$6.99 All You Can Eat Pizzas, Breadsticks and Bolis! 5-8pm All Day and Night! $2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
Burger Night! $5 1/2 lb. Burgers $2 Rail Pints & Bud Light Pints, $3 16oz Long Island Pints, $4 Fireball Karaoke Dance Party! 10pm
1/2 Price Nachos, Quizzo Tuesday Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
Karaoke from 9-1am! $3 Singles, $5 Doubles
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Weinhard's IPA
$5 Craic Nachos, $3 Pinnacle Flavors, $2 Miller Lite Pub Pong 9pm, DJ Biz!
1/2 Price Sandwiches and Salads, 1/2 Price Appetizers 9-close, Live Music Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Blue Moon, $3 Captain Drinks
Wings and Yuengs $0.55 Wings, $2 Yuenglings
Half Price Burgers
Half Price Burgers, Salsa Night Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Wells, $4 Fireball Shots
(and a half )
why you should stop kidnapping the elderly Tex Mex wrote this We know what you’re thinking: “Seriously, The Black Sheep, are you trying to suck the fun out of my Friday nights?” Trust us, we’re more upset about corporate making us write this as some stupid “learn from your mistakes/help us get out of the legal trouble you caused us” piece. So, as useless as it sounds, here’s 11 ½ reasons why you should stop kidnapping the elderly.
1. it’s just too expensive of a hobby
3.you’re running out of ideas for ransom letters
Studies have shown that smoking a pack of cigarettes everyday for a year can end up costing over $2,000. A year of kidnapping old people could cost you $1,000 alone on gas (depending on the location of your preferred retirement home), over $2,000 in pre-chewed foods, $3,000 for assorted entertainment like silk doilies and seasons of Golden Girls on DVD, and $500 for parts and maintenance. Unless you’ve kidnapped an aging Mr. Monopoly, your stupid part-time job isn’t going to cut it.
For the first couple of weeks, there was nothing quite as exciting as writing to morbidly stressedout family members that you have their dear Gammy Marjorie captive and she’s worth approximately “X” amount of dollars. Nowadays, you’re likely too busy to cut individual letters from magazines and you’re running out of eerie, foggy piers to host transactions. You can always send a, “Hi, [FAMILY NAME]. This is [CAPTIVE ELDER]. I am doing fine,” card, but where’s the soul in that?
2. you have your own grandparents Depending on how long you’ve been up to your shenanigans, you could have anywhere from three to three hundred stolen elders crammed into your basement. Why ignore the perfectly sound grandparents you already have at your disposal? We know about the stack of unopened, cheesy Christmas cards sitting on your desk waiting to be opened. For shame.
4. your car will get that new “old people” smell At this point, you definitely shouldn’t be driving your mom’s matte black minivan for your raids anymore because it’s not exactly the most inconspicuous looking vehicle. Depending on how ransom money has gone (if you’re into that sort of thing), you’ve probably treated yourself to a nice early-2000s Honda Civic, or at least a car that makes wide scale abduction a little more tasteful and environmentally friendly. But it’s only a matter of time before that “scented pine” air freshener yields to “formaldehyde and prunes.”
ELEVEN REASONS / STOP KIDNAPPING THE ELDERLY
5. you’re tired of being mistaken for someone’s grandchild Agnes tells you every day that you remind her of her handsome, strapping-young-lad-of-a-grandson, David, and it’s breaking your fucking heart. For the first few weeks, it was fun to humor the Alzheimer’s sufferers of the lot, taking on different personas they found heartwarming. You probably haven’t realized that you ended up with a wicked case of multiple personality disorder, a few good-and-confused elders, and a writhingly depressing story that will probably get picked up by Spielberg in time for the next Academy Awards.
6. they’re causing you to seriously doubt your generation You probably thought that the whole “Back in my day…” story intro was only in the movies, and boy-oh-boy, you couldn’t have been more wrong. At this point, you had to have gone through enough of Boris’ talks about the early 50s to know that being a Millennial is bad, and you should feel horrible about it. Did you know that, back in his day, Americans used to be afraid of red-stained, good-for-nothing Commie bastards rather than flat-out electing one as President? Or how about the fact that Elvis was the real king of rock before those damned Beatles brought long hair and sex appeal to this once-fine country? Yeah, the 90s sure were better times, huh?
7. they don’t make the best sweatshop laborers Let’s be honest for a second, buddy: We all know that some people are in this business just for the money, and that passionless person could very well be you. The flaw in your likely failing operation is that you’ve been abducting the wrong age demographic this whole time. When you order Gertrude to tweak the inner screws of the textile machine, did you take into account that she needs reading glasses? Not to mention that you’ve probably been breaking some sort of labor law because of some dumb Retirement Act that forces you to treat your aging workers like people. You’re operating at a loss, friend, and it might be time to file for bankruptcy before you’re as old as your work force.
8. you’re almost out of random relatives to impersonate It was easy enough the first time to just stroll on in Shady Oaks
and proclaim that you were Bobby [LAST NAME], fit and able to pick up your dear Grandpa [LAST NAME FROM EXCEL SHEET] before wheeling his confused ass straight from the exit ramp to the back of your trunk. However, only an amateur old people snatcher would dare waltz into a nursing home with the same disguise twice. Forty-seven fake occupations and innumerable drag outfits that even Mrs. Doubtfire would find questionable later, your only viable options at this point probably rely heavily on skin pigmentation. Then again, with your track record, it may be clear that the reception staff clearly doesn’t give a shit of who stays and who goes.
9. your social life is suffering Remember the good old days when your friends wanted to play “house” and you always wanted to be the grandparent? Or when you would always insist in high school that you be called “The Grandpappy” with zero explanation? You even don’t go out dressed like a pigeon for the old ladies at the park to get closer to their soft, sagging skin nearly as much as you used to. In between those pastimes and listening to Lawrence Welk vinyls, it’s hard to believe why you would ever even consider kidnapping old people in the first place.
10. you’re eventually going to have to tell the nurse you’ve fallen in love with what you “really” do Your stops at the reception desk are becoming more than just “small-talk chats.” Your first couple dates with Mary were wonderful, and there’s no doubting she’s an absolute angel. Hell, you’re set to meet the parents next week. You know the inevitable “So, X, what exactly do you do for a living?” question is going to pop up, and “entrepreneur” just isn’t going to cut it anymore.
11. you’ve begun to realize that changing catheters isn’t as fun as it sounds To an extent, this one’s very much like hyping up alcohol as a teenager, only to find out that it loses its thrill very
quickly. If you’ve been someone who’s been an equal opportunity kidnapper supporting all old folks without preference, good on you, but that decision’s about to bite you square in the tuckus. Your house smells more of elderly urine than the usual aroma of cat urine, and it has likely made all of the cats you stole last summer incredibly jealous. If you can’t balance the overpowering stench of household urine across all kidnapped parties, you may as well admit that you don’t take abducting geezers seriously, and that’s pretty upsetting to us.
11 1/2. You’ve realized that the police are outside your house Like, they’re literally about to burst through the front door right now. We agreed to tip them off in order to lessen our own sentence. We sincerely apologize, but if it took you the full 11 1/2 reasons before you realized that you needed to get the hell out of dodge and let your people go, then you probably deserved to get caught anyway. Sorry!
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Relationship Status: In a relationship
Major: Graduated in economics Favorite Drink: Jameson on the rocks Favorite Shot: Patron Café Disgusting Drink: Campari
What’s the least-used liquor behind your bar?: Malibu Red Has anyone ever tried to pay for a drink with something other than money or sex?: Slices of pizza
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DRINKING GAME Finger Bowl Drinking games are usually based on skill, which is why, Jesus Christ, Arnold, hit the f***ing cup once in a while, man! Finally we get to share a game based on luck, meaning finally, Arnold, we can mitigate your overall awfulness. What You’ll Need: 1 bowl, different types of alcohol and some fingers. Number of Players: As many that can fit around a table. Level of Intoxication: One person could puke pretty fast, that’s for sure. How to Play: - Get a bowl and place it in the center of a table. - Everyone should pour some of their alcohol into the bowl. The drinks can be anything—beer, tequila, a rum and Coke, whatever. You can put as much or as little as you want in there as well. - Everyone stands around the table and places one finger on the lip of the bowl. So if there are 5 people playing, there should be 5 fingers on the bowl (duh). - All players close their eyes. - One person counts to 3. At the count of one, decided whether or not to remove your finger from the bowl. - After he says “three,” everyone shouts out how many fingers they think will remain on the bowl. - Each person needs to account for the number the person to their right announces. - For example, the counter shouts, “one, two, three!” and you say “six,” if there are six fingers left on the bowl, you are out and can sit off to the side until the game is done. - The counter can vary the pace they say the numbers to mess people up when trying to pull their fingers away. - The last person standing has to drink the mixture in the bowl. The Game Ends When: There’s vomit in the bowl, because there probably will be.
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What’s your favorite rap line?: “Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.” Why shouldn’t we ask you to borrow some money?: You’d be wasting your breath. What carnival game, if forced, would you bet your life on?: The water squirt game because someone always wins. Would you rather push a grandma down the stairs or shit all over the bed during sex?: Shit all over the bed during sex, I love my grandma. I know what you are, but what am I?: Uh…. What would you name your own brand of malt liquor?: It’ll Get You Drunk Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m in it.
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GIRL SUFFERS PANIC ATTACK FROM READ RECEIPT ANXIETY TIA HILL WROTE THIS
University of Delaware sophomore Casey Hartman recently suffered a panic attack and was institutionalized after turning on the read receipts for her iPhone when she opened, but did not respond to, several texts from multiple friends. “It’s like…oh, so you have time to breathe but you don’t have time to respond to my text? I see how it is,” said one of Casey’s friends.
just wanna be like ‘Oops time’s up, our friendship’s over!’” remarked Jill Stein, a friend of the victim.
read receipts involves ignoring chain text messages, which many psychiatrists say are real and will actually cause bad luck.
According to doctors, Hartman also experienced classic LOL Syndrome, a disorder that was discovered by a group of doctors in 2008, and is not as funny as the name implies. It occurs when one does not know how to respond to a simple “lol.”
According to Dr. Brennan Fielder, these chain messages are so much more than some loser with a full keyboard on his phone and plenty of time on his hands.
“When people don’t respond to my texts within a reasonable amount of time, I just wanna be like ‘Oops time’s up, our friendship’s over!’” When turned on, iPhone read receipts let the person you have been texting know when you have opened and read their message. According to a recent study, 70% of the divorces and 12% of the murders in the United States have been due to read receipt related incidents since the iPhone was first released in 2007.
“It’s just really freaking stressful,” said Hartman, who was interviewed from her room in the local mental hospital. “You get a text that’s like ‘lol’ and it’s like….Do I respond to this? It’s a one-word response so should I say something back? Should I just say LOL, too? I can’t just ignore it because they know I’ve opened it!”
“When people don’t respond to my texts within a reasonable amount of time, I
One of the most common ways in which texters suffer mental breakdowns from
“If you ignore a chain text message and choose not to forward it, there is a 72% chance you will die during your lifetime. And that’s a fact,” said Fielder. “Hartman has previously fallen victim to not passing these messages on. This could possibly have contributed to her mental breakdown -- not passing them on is bad luck. “I got one of those texts that was like ‘Forward this to twelve people or you’ll have bad luck for the next four years’ and literally like five seconds later, I stubbed my toe. That’s how I know those things are true, too,” remarked Hartman, still shaken from the toe stubbing. “This could possibly have contributed to her mental breakdown, not passing them
on is bad luck,” said Fielder. Some doctors and therapists even had cases of people who have been involved in conversations that lasted for months, sometimes even years, all because neither person could bring themselves to stop responding. However for some, read receipt anxiety will never become an issue. “I don’t really see the problem here. I love my iPhone,” said senior Kate Braithwaite. “I had a kidney removed and sold it on the black market to pay for my new iPhone
5S because, like, have you heard Siri talk? That girl is amazing.” Hartman will most likely remain in the mental hospital over the course of the next few months, starting with flip phones and then slowly easing her way back into iPhone usage until she is once again able to hold a conversation without threat of another panic attack. When reached for comment, the student who first provoked Hartman’s attack, who chose not to be identified, claimed that she “literally can’t right now.”
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Keystone Light Poster Turns House into Coolest Pad in Newark Daniel McGinley wrote this
Students Head WrongWay for Spring Break Alexis Miller wrote this
Completing its transformation from ramshackle offcampus townhouse to the coolest place in Newark, sources confirmed that the residence at 1070 Haines Street had finally found, purchased, and put up a Keystone Light poster. The months-long search for the poster, which depicts popular mascot Keith Stone saying lines as “smooth” as the namesake beer, turned what had once been an otherwise ordinary domicile into a hotspot of social interaction. “I’ve been getting compliments about it already,” said resident Greg Girardi, a senior sports management major. “It’s pretty funny, you know? [Keith Stone]’s sayin’ ‘Hold my stones.’ Like balls. I dunno, it grows on you.” The poster shares wall space with other certified cool hangings, including a Mr. T poster, a “Table of Elements”-style mixed drink chart, and an aggressively sexual banner featuring several naked women lying in a row on a bed. While individually they are “alright, I guess,” says fellow tenant Dexter Bishop, a senior biomedical engineering major, together they “kick fucking ass.” “It’s like how you’ll curl up your fingers one by one, and at first it’s not anything, but then bam! You got a fist. No-fist, fist, no-fist, fist. The Keystone Light poster is like the thumb bending in and completing the fist.
Or like the rug that ties the room together,” continued Bishop. “Hey [fellow housemate Rudy] Dixon! That’s a pretty good theme for the next party. Big Lebowski. We’ll wear robes and shit. We’ll figure it out.” According to Girardi, they have already received several unsolicited requests to throw parties. “It’s like I told Dex,” he said, “we just don’t have enough days in the week for every party and every idea that pops into our heads.” Girardi then looked up the nearby staircase, and continued, “Poor Dixon. It’s gonna be sad when I tell him we can’t have The Big Lebowski bash.” When this reporter finally talked to Dixon, he said, “I’ve never even seen The Big Lebowski.”
Hundreds of students from the University of Delaware headed north for spring break 2014, creating chaos and frenzy amongst the country. This is a break from the “normal” spring break crowd, which typically joins the birds and elderly in their migration south. “I usually help thousands of students find the most inexpensive way to get to Panama City. This year I just didn’t know what was going on. I sold 1,500 tickets to Maine. What on God’s green earth is going on?” said the local AAA representative. This year, drunken Delaware students backed North I95 up for miles heading to Maine for spring break. Twitter and Instagram feeds showed daily commuters angrily throwing coffee cups and baby seats
out of their windows at the spring breakers. Some stuck in traffic put a spin on their frustration. “I figured if you can’t beat ‘em, you might as well join ‘em.” Andy Stewart, 35, tweeted a picture of him and a buddy drinking with a few college kids, “#tb-Friday.” The age gap was palpable. The Black Sheep interviewed several students regarding the question that has the entire country puzzled. “I didn’t want to worry about getting in shape yet. Now I have until summer to get my abs beach ready. I can layer on the sweatshirts and jackets and no girl’s going to think twice about why I’m covered up,” said senior Robert Koufax. “I love the snow! This winter has
been wonderful and I’m so upset it’s melting. So I’m heading north to get another week to throw snowballs and build snow angels. And so I can keep wearing my Uggs,” said Beth Doback, also a senior. Local Maine newspapers reported confused and worried residents calling police and stores running out of alcohol. “I really hope this doesn’t happen again. We have a nice community of lean, beautiful people here in Maine. I don’t want our towns to be flooded with the bloated, snow-loving alcoholics that UD has to offer,” said Mayor Tim Ford. Reports indicate that with a proper exercise routine and a normal winter, this northern phenomenon will not happen again.
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Squirrel Frat Eager to Sink its Teeth into Greek Life KELLY FARRELL WROTE THIS The UD Greek scene is heating up this spring, as university officials announced the addition of Beta Rho Omicron, which is open to members of the squirrel community. This chapter of BRO prides itself on honoring the three “Branches” of Excellence—Scampering, Scavenging, and Just Going Nuts.
President Jimmy Proudpaws, a senior exercise science major, was eager to give The Black Sheep the scoop. “Yeah, we’re just ready to go all-out on this. Our first event’s going to be a recruitment meeting in the nice trashcan outside Trabant. My bro Matt’s gonna hit up
the dumpster of Kate’s beforehand, I’m so stoked.” Following the informal meeting, BRO will host a mixer with Delta Omega Gamma, the training service dog sorority. “Yeah, none of us have squirrel girls, so we’re looking forward to getting some bitches,” added BRO Social Chair Chip Twirlytail, a junior business major. The frat’s drink of choice is oak-matured mead, and rumor has it that the brothers have a soft spot for hanging out outside the Morris Library smoking grass. They plan on hosting a variety of theme nights, including “Grande Nights,” where partygoers don abandoned Starbucks cups (with points awarded for complexity of the drinker’s name), and “Blastoffs,” where the brothers take turns consuming Pop Rocks until they pass out from a gnarly case of the giggles. “The recruits we’ve met so far are brighteyed and bushy-tailed, eager to get involved in the recruitment process. They must, however, maintain their grades and scavenging records in order to be considered. Many freshmen we spoke to broke off mid-sentence upon remembering that
they had no idea where they’d hidden last weekend’s acorns. They’d dash off, making their way around campus using old Tech Deck longboards,” said a University Greek Life official on Saturday. We managed to corner Hunter McScamper, a first-year, who’s working on his credentials. “Yeah, I’ve got like forty YogoWorld coupons right now, and uh,” he paused, looking behind him, where another BRO hopeful was leaping up the trunk of an elm tree outside near Sussex Hall. “NO. NO. WHAT THE SHIT, DAVE?!” It seemed another recruit had made off with the swag. The two tussled for a few minutes before becoming distracted by a refreshing gust of wind. They quickly hugged and exchanged the secret BRO handshake as a truce.
Not all are as enthusiastic, though. When asked about the 2005 bill authored by his committee, former Senator Ted McHossel responded: “This was a low point in my career. I’d ingested 4 tabs of LSD in the hour prior to voting and was feeling really passionate about squirrel freedoms. The bill passed on the condition that I resign immediately. But the Nuts4Freedom party jumped all over it like it was a crunchy leaf or something.” Jimmy Proudpaws isn’t dissuaded by his species’ checkered path in higher education.
The UD community seems to have taken an interest in the new organization.
“I think there are some people in the PanHellenic group who’d like to see us gone, but it’s no skin off my whiskery nose, ya know.” He relaxed, jamming along to some classic Alvin and the Chipmunks with a friend, each of them curled up in one side of a pair of Beats headphones.
“This is an exciting time in the rodent world,” says anthropology professor Dr. James Richardson. “It was only in the last decade that Title LXII gave squirrels equal funding athletics funding under NCAA federal law.”
“It seems that whether or not the world is ready for them, this adorable group of kinsmen is ready to squirrel it away into their stash,” confessed a UD Sigma Alpha Pledge. “Hopefully they remember where they’ve hidden it.”
ACROSS: 3) American political satirist, comedian and television host. 6) Steve Irwin died from this animal. 8) Steve Jobs created this revolutionary brand. 10) Steve Carell shouts this person’s name while getting waxed in 40 Year-Old Virgin, two words. 12) This famous Stephen is a celebrity physicist. 14) Shia LaBeouf was the lead actos in this Disney Channel show, two words. 16) He directed Jaws and E.T., just to name a few. 17) Stephen Colletti, also know at “Ste-phennnn!” was first DOWN: 1) In our humble opinion, the best host of Family Feud. 2) Stephen Hillenburg created this popular Nickelodean animated series. 3) Steven Tyler is the lead singer of this band. 7) This famous Stevie sang “Edge of Seventeen.” 8) This Steve is Stone Cold 9) Brothers Alex, Daniel, Wiliam and Stephen.11) Stephen, the “City Surrounded by Gold, is in which state? 13) Blind musician born in Sag-
inaw, Michigan. 15) This Stephen wrote the lyrics for West Side Story. 18) Stephen King’s The Shining has this infamous saying, two words.
famous steve(n)s daying who on Laguna Beach? 19) This fictional Steve famously said, “Did I do that?”