Volume 7
The Black Sheep
you Free get ! Hon you est r w ly, l i-fi. ike Not how eve n so rry.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 4
Harker Concerned Alumni Too Excited To Be Back UDel Staff wrote this With Homecoming rapidly approaching, sources say that University of Delaware President Patrick Harker is concerned that alumni are too excited to return to the middling public university that produced them. The alumni, most of whom graduated tens of thousands of dollars in debt, will be greeted with a wide swath of activities, including a football game, affinity reunions, and the chance to once more roam the grounds that left them so utterly unprepared for the real world. “With my Path to Prominence, I aimed to make Delaware a premier college,” said President Harker. “However, that is clearly not what happened. Why do so many people come back? Surely building the ISE Lab doesn’t make up for putting them through what essentially amounted to a velvet-coated degree mill?” Many alumni are reportedly eager to revisit the scene of some of the greatest moments of their young adult lives, much of which actually happened off-campus at parties and other get-togethers that didn’t involve the university at all. “That’s just it, what exactly did we offer them? I mean, this year the freshmen got a silent disco for their welcome weekend for crying out loud,” Harker wondered. “In fact, most of the fun they had probably came because they broke university regulations regarding things like alcohol and noise violations.”
The former students, often with degrees for fields in which the University of Delaware holds little sway, are said to be anticipating a fun weekend of drinking and seeing old friends, with whom they will note the struggles of post-collegiate life and bemoan the lack of meaningful professional connections. They will reportedly also be on the lookout for professors whose offices they never visited and whose teachings left no lasting impact on their lives. “What employer is looking at a business degree from the University of Delaware and saying, ‘hey, this kid’s got the goods?’” asked Harker. “We’ve got physical therapy, I guess. But we only let about six students into the graduate program each year. So we’re significantly aiding the professional prospects of six students, and everyone else is along for the ride.” Among the excitement surrounding Homecoming is the possibility for appearances by famous alumni such as Joe Flacco and Vice President Joe Biden. “Flacco was a transfer from Pittsburgh who just wanted to tear up lower-division talent so yeah; I suppose it’s nice we were able to keep our athletic prowess low enough to give him that opportunity. And Biden? He got a sub-2.0 GPA. Not sure we were an accurate bellwether or incubator of potential talent,” Harker said. Sources say the alumni, who have helped contribute to an endowment that now
PAGE 5 PRO-LIFE GROUP THROWS ICE CREAM SOCIAL PROMISES IT WON’T BE ABOUT ABORTION.
tops 1.17 billion dollars, will return to their normal lives the following week, swollen with nostalgia for a place that left most with debts they continue to pay off.
“I just don’t understand what the alumni think they got out of all this, and why they continue to support us so much,” confessed Harker. “We’ve taught them how to memorize facts by rote, sure, and sometimes how to argue by parroting the conclusions of
others, but we haven’t taught them how to question the assumptions behind those, or to critically evaluate the institutions that reinforce them.” “Actually, that explains it,” he concluded.
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TOP 10: SEX TIPS FOR FALL
ENGINEERING STUDENTS BEGIN SEMIANNUAL MATING RITUAL
RAKE PLAY IS NOT RECOMMENDED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
THE ONE GIRL IN CLASS IS IN FOR A RUDE-AWAKENING.
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