Vol. 6, Issue 2
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E WIN ...LIKE TER THE WIL HO L SO PE T ON HAT END .
2/27/14 - 3/12/14
TRABANT WORKERS AFTER DARK: AN EXPOSÉ SHIVA PATEL WROTE THIS Earlier this year, rumors were buzzing around campus relating to a mafia link within the Trabant food court. However, as mysteriously as they started, the rumors were dispelled and never spoken of again. So, being this campus’ #1 news investigator guys, The Black Sheep decided to investigate the suspicious activities within UD’s hub. Uncovering the masterminds behind this mythical mafia was one of our first objectives. But, we couldn’t just publish the members and leave the issue alone. We needed to uncover the roles the members of this mafia play. Deciding to get a first-hand story, we understood the danger we put ourselves in. Nevertheless, this campus, this state, and the world needed to have their veils of ignorance lifted to see the light. To infiltrate the ranks we needed to look the part and fully dress up as Trabant employees. Those investigating from The Black Sheep grabbed a thick-tipped sharpie and began drawing intricate floral patterns, random quotes, and names on our arms. Tattoos complete. Then, we grabbed piercing stickers and placed them on various parts of our face — most of us decided to model the Marilyn Monroe pierced cheek design, though some implemented a fake Prince Albert. Some bags under our eyes and an angry complexion later, we finally looked the part. Oddly, Trabant was terribly under-
staffed and the manager graciously accepted all of our applications. We were hitred within the first few hours, and we learned that the student workers had no clue of what we were after. They only use the job to fulfill their work-study requirements, not to notice other workers. We received a tip from an unnamed source, who happens to work at Chick-fil-A, that at the top of the Trabant hierarchy are the cashier women. They became The Black Sheep’s main target. In the beginning, the cashiers were aloof and distant towards us, but after about a month of baking cookies for them, cleaning their tills, and some classic brown-nosing, they invited us to a game of poker after everyone’s shifts. After closing, Trabant is an eerie place. The only sounds came from our shoe soles squeaking on the clean and polished linoleum floor. Above, the blue and gold lights were dimly lit, which cast a green glow that Jay Gatsby would admire. We heard a soft cackle in the distance, so we trailed to where the noise originated — the Trabant Multipurpose Room. There, in the middle of the room, sat a huge poker table, and at the head was Big Nancy. As far as autocratic leaders go, Big Nancy puts Stalin to shame. She created the ring and controls all of its actions.
We learned that growing up in a wealthy Georgia suburb, the social gatherings and debutante balls never satisfied her. So, at the age of 19, she broke up with her fiancé, stole her father’s Porsche, and set for Delaware: a small state with a smaller university she knew she could control. To her left sat Big Nancy’s right hand man, Sal. On the surface, Sal acts tamer than Nancy, but get on his bad side and you’ll never eat a Quiznos’ sub again. He once said that he keeps his bald brown head shiny so that whoever looks at him can see the fear in their own eyes. There were more people at the poker table, but they were little more than drones, obeying Big Nancy and Sal. As we took our seats at the poker table, we knew there was no turning back. It wasn’t long until Big Nancy and Sal began to spill their plans. They began with their dismay with President Harker. In July of 2006, Delaware’s President Roselle was stepping down. Nancy and Sal used that opportunity to elect one of their own. His name: Patrick T. Harker. They used all of their combined resources to ensure that the university’s board would elect Patrick Harker as UD’s newest president. The Black Sheep learned that, to get their way, the gang used tactics such as sneaking laxatives in the food and threatening to use blue hens
for chicken nugget meat. Eventually the board agreed, and Dr. Harker became President Harker. However, Big Nancy felt that President Harker was straying from the powers that got him there. According to her, Harker infrequently attended mafia meetings and stopped returning their calls. Big Nancy wanted to take him down. Sal suggested removing the gates from his home, the rest of the gang quietly gave a singular nod in agreement. The Black Sheep then realized how monumental our story
was. With that singular meeting, we learned not just about the scandal with President Harker, but with all the idiosyncrasies about UD. Strict parking laws come from Nancy’s demands to always have a close, open spot. Inadequate salting on pathways provides comic relief for Sal as he watches students fall down. Tons of construction ensures job security for Nancy’s long line of hard-hatted lovers. Even the campus squirrels strange behavior can be explained: Sal feeds them his drugs when the
boss comes ‘round with surprise health checks! When the meeting adjourned, The Black Sheep went to our respective offices, tore off our disguises, and began writing about our experience. The power had gone off multiple times, and we feared that the cashiers knew about us all along. In spite of this, we still want this article in the public eye. The campus has the right to know what really happens in Trabant after dark and who the real administrators of the university are.
PAGE 4 WINTER FREEZE LEAVES NEWARK HOMELESS-LESS
PAGE 7 TOP 10: THINGS COLLEGE KIDS WOULD DO FOR FREE CHIPOTLE
PAGE 14 LIFELONG LEARNING WITH GUY HANSON
READ ABOUT GETTING SWEPT UP IN THE MIGRATION.
LONG SHORT STORY, THEY’D DO BASICALLY ANYTHING.
GET SOME ADVICE FROM YOUR FAVORITE OLD MAN IN CLASS.
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