The Black Sheep
he FRE al th E... l ser ike vic a f es lu s (it 's hot a tr fro ac m kin st u g ch den t ip, sh hh !)
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 4 10/11/12 - 10/24/12
theblacksheeponline.com @theblacksheepUD
NEW HOMECOMING TRADITION GIVES POPULAR KIDS ONE MORE CHANCE TO BE COOL BEFORE ENTERING REAL WORLD Jason Hewett wrote this The University of Delaware has finally launched its “Dare to Rule” campaign in which a King and Queen will be crowned at the homecoming football game on October 20th. Seniors who have spent the past four years being cooler than everyone else will be nominated by their cool friends and everyone will just vote for them, because they’re popular, sources say. The University has acknowledged harsh criticism, but claims that homecoming simply aims to be fair to everyone. “These nerds need to stop bitching about homecoming,” said homecoming committee spokesman Rob Johnson, “they don’t see the big picture. After graduation, who’s going to get the jobs and the six figure paychecks? Some of our students aren’t so lucky to have academic scholarships, or good study habits, or the desire to get ahead in life. We owe those students something memorable—something they can look back on and hold on to before they go out into the real world to learn how to fix your air conditioner or unclog your toilet.” Senior Phil Gaines, a class of ’09 graduate of Weston High School, NJ thought he missed his last chance at the good ‘ol days when he failed to make UD’s football team as a walk-on. But Gaines said the chance to be crowned homecoming king again has inspired him to make the best out of all the time he has left. “My brothers and I were just talking about like—when’s the last time we broke out the lettermen jackets? When’s the last time we almost got busted for hooking up in a porta-potty? Yeah, bro, we’re totally bringing it back for homecoming.” Lori Krenston, a Senior who graduated from St. Mark's High School, DE, also said that homecoming will help create memories that will last a lifetime. “Oh my God, homecoming? Are you going to vote for me? Oh my God! Thank you so much!” Once crowned, the King and Queen will be aided by UD alumni, who will serve as advisors in dealing with the political turmoil that comes with being the most perfect people in school.
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“It’s not as easy as you might think,” said homecoming adviser Jen Austrobaugh, “when you have good looks and good grades and good hair and a good-looking boyfriend or girlfriend, you have a lot of good things going for you, and that can be a lot sometimes.” Following up with her statement, Austrobaugh confirmed that the homecoming committee already has on its agenda a campaign for “Coolness Awareness Month” (CAM) with hopes that all popular kids will finally be given the recognition they deserve. Junior Chelsea Johnson made it her goal to hook up with every football player before graduation - an accomplishment that went unrecognized in high school. Johnson is an avid
what’s inside
supporter of CAM and said she’s looking forward to being recognized accordingly. “I guess if I didn’t get to be homecoming queen, then it’s like, no big deal because I’m still a lot prettier than a lot of the candidates anyway, so I think that’s why CAM is so important.” Though students like Johnson have bright futures, factors such as global warming, the unforgiving economy, and the extinction of the West African Giraffe Cricket have overshadowed any realistic hope for a future in the real world. “We need everyone to come out and support us for homecoming,” Johnson said, “this is the last time we’re going to be important, so pay attention to us now.”
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How to Maintain Senioritis and a 4.0
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