The Black Sheep
FR EE ... of like ST Ds you fr r e om xo Sp tic rin co l g Bre lec ak tion .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 4 • 3/14/13 - 3/26/13
theblacksheeponline.com @theblacksheepUD
Spring Break Proves Disastrous for ignorant dude Dillon McLaughlin and Shannon Poulsen wrote this Spring break officially starts this week, marking the beginning of a string of boner-killing circumstances for Andrew Marshall and his vacationing friends. Marshall has been planning his Cancun spring break for nearly four months. The break begins this Friday and will disappoint Marshall and his friends up until class resumes a week from Monday. Accompanying Marshall are Davis Inglewood, a junior biology major; Harry Cooper, a sophomore who still doesn’t know what he wants to major in before going to medical school; Gary Marshall, Andrew’s older brother and a senior English major; and Gary’s friend Tucker Turner, a senior sociology major. No girls are coming for Marshall’s fear that they will “cock-block like mad, yo.” “I'm really looking forward to this year's break,” said Marshall. “I've got roughly six gallons of assorted alcohols and I plan on needing to restock by Wednesday.” He planned all this without the knowledge of the impending Hurricane Julio, the path of which will sweep directly over the Fiesta Americana Grand Coral Beach Resort and Spa. “I picked it because the name means American Party,” said Marshall, demonstrating his mind-blowing proficiency at elementary Spanish. “We really want to hit the beaches, check out bitches in bikinis, and find some of that repurposed rocket fuel from The Rum Diaries,” said Inglewood. “And it’s been awhile since I’ve seen a mostly naked woman, and if I don’t take some body shots from desperate, single college girls, I’ve failed myself.” Most of their spring break will be spent inside, weathering Julio, ordering delivery from the Mexi-Chinese takeout place down the street, and sorting through the rubble of Cancun, looking for the natives’ loved ones in a shameless attempt to pick up women. “Oh yeah, Tucker’s bringing his N64 down with him, just in case one of the nights isn’t so great,” said the older Marshall. “But Cancun doesn’t get much bad weather, so I can’t imagine we’ll need it a whole lot.” On Thursday night, when they can finally leave the hotel, none of them will be able to score.
“Cooper knelt down behind me, grabbed my ass, and sang ‘I’ve got a love-uh-ly bunch of coconuts,’ just like that scene in Lion King,” Fiesta Americana owner Catarina Gutierrez says in the future. “There were fat tears in his eyes and snot running down his nose. These boys need to go home.”
“Oh my god, they were sooooo gross,” vacationer Amanda Saliorus will say. “They came in to the bar already wasted and relentlessly hit on me and my friend Brie. They called us, ‘pretty young things.’ Ewww, that’s something that old-man perverts say. It was like I had five new uncles.”
Their return flight the following Friday will be delayed eight hours as airport workers attempt to clear the runway of displaced hurricane victims and the boys will share a row with a family of toddlers who didn’t get their juice this morning.
“I’m pretty sure they drank some kind of grain alcohol out of a milk carton during their pregame and mocked the missing-child notice on the side of it,” Stephanie Altrum also says in the future. “All they talked about was how much salami they’d be able to fit in a dead raccoon. And then one of them ran in with a knife and a feral cat, saying it was the closest thing he could find to a raccoon and where does the club keep the lunchmeats.”
In an attempt to hide his embarrassment at “not getting his D wet,” the Saturday after his return, Inglewood will Photoshop pictures of himself with mostly naked women on the beaches of Cancun and upload them to Facebook. With the destruction from Julio being so well covered, everyone will know the pictures are fake and Inglewood won’t sleep with an attractive woman for four more years.
Reports indicate that the last night of their trip will be spent in a run-down karaoke bar, putting coins in a jukebox to “have the experience.” Tucker will grab an indigenous Mexican rattlesnake and emulate Britney Spears circa the 2001 VMAs while singing “I’m a Slave 4 U” in a horrible southern accent.
A St. Paddy's Day in the Life of Green Beer In case you’ve ever been drunk enough to wonder what your beer is thinking.
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Turner will brag about the trip for a week, realize that he left his N64 there, and sob quietly in his room, mourning his lost piece of nostalgia. “This is definitely going to be a break to hide from my grandchildren,” said Marshall. “I just hope I pack enough underwear. Sometimes I forget and then the whole vacation is ruined.”
what'’s inside Physics of Spring
We explain why your GPA springs forward in the fall and falls back in the spring.
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The People You See at the Bar on St. Paddy’s Day
We all know these guys. We all hate these guys. Don’t be these guys.
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