The Black Sheep FR
Lik e en th do ee f g xtr ro a "s tt " a o. tt
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 1 8/30/12 - 9/5/12
WHAT YOU MISSED OVER SUMMER Jason Hewett wrote this
PREPARE YOURSELF: The University has accepted too many students again, but this time they’ve found ways to compensate. Some of these changes may come as a shock, and you may be wondering if you’re going to the same school as last year. Here’s the gist of what you missed - be warned that it may affect your social, scholastic, and sexual lives. FRESHMEN FRIDAYS: After spending much of the entire summer arguing the issue over Facebook, the University of Delaware’s Student Government Association (SGA) signed a bill into law that allows freshmen to stay up past their bedtime on Fridays, provided that they are accompanied by a responsible upperclassman and secured on a leash. UDEL RAISES TUITION “ONLY 4.5%”: Associate Vice President Dean of Admission Esq. Dan Bakersfield announced last month that University of Delaware tuition would be raised, effective fall 2012. Despite numerous complaints from parents and students, Bakersfield said it’s not so bad when you look at the big picture. “You’ve got to understand, college tuition is going up everywhere. The economy in this country is comparable to that of Ireland during the potato famine.” To further elucidate, Bakersfield pulled a potato out of his pocket, only to spill several crumpled $100 bills on the floor. Competitors like Duke University, Villanova, and Wichita Community College of Kansas, have all raised their tuition prices by a steep 5%. Delaware has only raised its tuition by 4.5%, sending just 154 parents into financial crisis. “We had to sell the pool house Lupita was living in so that Christina could still go here,” one mother wrote to President Harker. She said she wasn’t the only parent that was put in this “pickle.” She wasn’t kidding. President Harker’s secretary said she read over 230 emails in July alone, and expects to read the 900th sometime this week. Parents are saying they have “no other choice.” “All I want are answers,” said Sharon Henson, who sold both of her husband’s kidneys to pay tuition for her son, Brian, “I understand why the prices are going up, but as parents, we still deserve answers.” CAMPUS LIFE TO BAN SQUIRRELS: Taking effect September 19th, squirrels are no longer permitted to be on campus. Residence Life Officials say that the bushy-tailed rodents have lived on campus for as long as anyone can remember, and it’s simply
a modest proposal
erin wants to take down corporate america's booth-o-poloy.
time for them to go.
as preparing to fight like real Blue Hens.
“Well, it just seems like the right thing to do,” said Residence Life spokeswoman Nancy Perch.
“Our goal this year is to score more points than our opponents. We’ve seen this type of strategy work well for other teams in the past, so we thought we would try to learn a thing or two from it.”
To the surprise of many, the squirrels have not shown signs of planning to relocate, despite warnings from the heavily armed campus police that this policy would be “Strictly Enforced.” Extensive plans for a massive squirrel catch-and-release deportation have been drawn up. The squirrels will be caught and then transported to Dover, where they will provide an inexhaustible supply of food for the wild rednecks of Slower Lower Delaware. Following the deportation, students and faculty are advised that any squirrel found on campus will receive a fine up to $250. FOOTBALL: HENS LOOK FORWARD TO A WINNING SEASON WITH REVOLUTIONARY GAMEPLAN: At a recent press conference, Coach Wilson said the team’s been putting in a lot of work in the offseason making much-needed changes, as well
While it’s taking some time for players to adapt to this revolutionary philosophy, physical performance has improved all around the field. Quarterbacks have learned which end of the field to throw towards, receivers are learning it’s easier to catch the ball with their hands, and the offensive line coach proudly reported that his players are now competing with the speed of a freshly milked cow. Look on the bright side, your tuition money is paving the way towards a great new semester. Freshmen are always a top choice for pets, and you won’t have to vaccinate them because the squirrels will be gone. Who knows what to expect from the football team? Here’s to current events that matter. Now who’s going out tonight?
the blue hen olympics
dining plan too expensive
avoiding past hookups on the walk to class is a sport.
when the goin' gets turf, the turf gets goin'.
page two word of the week
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
highjack: To steal while under the influence of marijuana.
â€œThe fifteen-year-old quit Taco Bell after his manager berated him over letting some stoner highjack Baja Blast Mountain Dew with a water cup.â€?
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A Modest Proposal for a Boothable America erin eller wrote this even-ask-ers. Some people just inherently look like they want a booth. Their expressions radiate confidence, which is sometimes mistaken for high-maintenance bigotry.
It is a melancholy object to those patrons of the restaurant at which I am employed this summer, that their every wish should not be interpreted as command. As a part-time employee, I comport myself to the creed that “the customer is always right,” even when he is hopelessly and indisputably wrong. But frequently, both employee and customer suffer on behalf of corporate America’s unrelenting grip on the booth industry. In these cases, the hostess, much to a customer’s dismay, is forced to utter those six most dreaded words: “There are no booths available, ma’am.” It’s a tragedy, and the government… no, science, owes us a solution.
A Type Two Boother only wants to feel important. Maybe even, dare I say, loved? And why shouldn’t he? A patron should only be rewarded for his hardship with a chance to say “no” to quadrupedal structures. A few harsh words of dissatisfaction to the smiling hostess will give the Two a sense of importance in this pointless life. Alas, this is the distinction between a Type Two and a Type Three Boother, who already knows how important he is and simply expects all others to notice.
In order to reverse this blasphemy and ensure the reception of booths for the brunching upper-middle class, it is necessary to design a portable, customizable booth that patrons can bring with them to restaurants. No longer will Americans settle for chairs! No longer will Americans be forced to remain booth-less while chefs prepare their meals and starving artists bring them those meals! These are the culprits, these are the three types of boothers in this world:
That’s not to say that booths don’t have their faults. Inevitably, one fateful person will be forced to take the aisle seat of a booth bench. Comparable to the aisle seat in an airplane, this is the leading cause of the little shuffle every party does before settling the world-scale problem of “Where do you want to sit?” But before these very important decisions can be made, a hostess must lead the party to a booth. God forbid the alternative. In the rational customer’s eye, pulling out a chair is just a businessman’s metaphor for pulling away the welcome mat.
Type One Boother: We’ll-wait-however-long-it-takes-just-don’tmake-us-sit-at-that-open-table-ers. Upon entering the restaurant, these people desperately express their booth-related needs quickly, directly, and with panic in their eyes. They will wait for a booth for hours, even if there are other tables available right away. Type Two Boother: Wait-until-the-hostess-takes-us-all-the-wayacross-the-restaurant-then-ask-for-a-booth-ers. Commonly heard asking the questions “What about that booth over there with the reserved sign on it?” and “You don’t have a booth for us?” Type Three Boother: You-can-see-my-soul-through-my-eyestelling-you-I’ll-reject-any-table-that-is-not-a-booth-so-don’t-
Entrepreneurs, this is your market. Now here’s your big break – my proposal, BYOB (Bring Your Own Booth) plan will not only ensure the comfort of all restaurant patrons, but it will create jobs for Americans and, in its own way, help cure world hunger. There’s nothing a Type One Boother loves more on a hot summer’s day than the novelty of climbing into the bench of a booth. Nothing tugs at his heartstrings quite like the backs of his thighs adhering to the cheap plastic or that awkward announcement of “I need to use the facilities,” causing his pals to unpeel their skin from the upholstery. These things are fundamental to eating out - even more than the subsequent roaming of the restaurant in search of the bathrooms.
In a world of so many booth-lovers and so few booths, something must be done. When we finally begin to reject the scarcity of the average booths of corporate America, we will truly have a fist over the establishment. Until then, our rights to freedom will never be fully embraced. America, the applications of BYOB are in no way limited to restaurants; soon we will have intimate but unlimited seating at other places of community. Think ball games! Black Friday lines! Funerals! The possibilities are endless. So say no to the smug, fake smile on that perky college dropout’s face at the host stand, and say yes to America’s future.
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The Top ten
#SayDela-What? Tweets at UD Kelia Scott wrote this Twitter is a great forum for posting all things thought-provoking, newsworthy, or sometimes just plain silly. Every author has their own personality and style, and the tweeters at Delaware are no exception. Here are some of the tweets you might come across this school year in 140 characters or less:
10. The Zack Morris: Zack can be seen waving his shiny new credit card at the bartender with no success. This recent UD grad got a job and is ready to show the people of Grotto that he is a successful businessman (intern). It may take Preppy a while to get you that drink, but hey, when he does it’ll be with vibes and charisma. And great, great hair.
@PresidentHarker - “Just filled my pool with bills from your fall tuition. Who’s up for some laps?”
9. The Kelly Kapowski: Even with the help of the rest of the gang, she totally forgot where she was going out tonight. What Kapowski does know is that she has serious decisions to make. Preppy may have a credit card, but Slater has those wrestling moves. Choose wisely, Kel.
@C’sgetDegrees - “At first I was only in it for easy A’s. Then I found out I earned a Theater minor by accident #whoops #hollywoodhereIcome.”
8. The AC Slater: Slater is doing what he does best; being self-absorbed. You’ll find this boy rocking a backwards polo hat while chugging his signature drink with boys from his “team”. But this kid is ready to compete, so before you challenge him to a race, remember who the drink is named after.
@HenHouseHooligan - “I ordered the extra big mirrors to make it easier to check yourself out #jacked #off #takeapicforlater #foryourself #youarevain.” @FrenziedFreshman - “Do they hand out North Face jackets to everyone at orientation or something? Maybe there’s a dress code. Do they give detentions if we don’t wear them?” @ChiefofPolice - “My favorite part of this job is ghost riding the squad car. #taxdollar$” @omnomTrabant - “Do people really only walk through for the free stuff? #usedandabused.”
@PresidentHarker - “Labor Day Weekend kegger at the mansion! Last names A-M bring booze, N-Z bring some drunk eats.”
@PresidentHarker - “Thinking of using some leftover grant money to build a statue of myself. 20 ft tall isn’t too big, right? Would gold be too much?”
@ChiefofPolice - “We try to focus on serious crimes like jaywalking and noise violations to keep you kids safe. You should be thanking us. #taxdollar$”
@FrenziedFreshman - “Hmm what to wear today, my Uggs, Rainbows, or Sperrys? #lifechoices #need2impresstheuppaclass”
@C’sgetDegrees - “I set up my schedule up so my weekend is actually longer than my week. Monday is the new Friday, Friday is still Friday.”
@ChiefofPolice - “I’m too generous with the parking meters, $1.00 for 5 minutes is more than enough time. You’re all spoiled little brats anyway. #TAXDOLLADOLLABILLZYALL #collegefund”
@ChiefofPolice - “College should be for hitting the books, not hitting the bars. #Thatwasapun #laughorgetaticket”
@omnomTrabant - “We sell milkshakes now, f’real! #FreshmanFifteen #whoneedsbooze?”
Saved by the Bell Characters You Meet at Grotto
@C’sgetDegrees - “Math? Yeah right, I’m a Comm Major. I’m learning Real World skills.” @FrenziedFreshman - “This Rodney Single makes me feel like Harry Potter living in the cupboard under the stairs.”
@ C ’s g e t D e g re e s - “ T h a t t h e s i s p a p e r d u e tomorrow? I’ll write it after the daydrink. #lubedup #creativityflowinginmybraingrapes”
@C’sgetDegrees - “I can honestly say having Facebook Chat on helps me to study. #procrastinationLOL”
@PresidentHarker - “I’m sure I’m not the only one who brings a hip flask to every awards ceremony and graduation. #getshardereveryyear #phoningitin”
@HenHouseHooligan - “6 Treadmills is enough for 15,000 undergrads, right? #runoutsideyadopes #justgiveusmoremoney #TaxDollar$”
@C’sgetDegrees - “Oh you put the lecture slides online? Guess I’ll just see you at the final. #daydrinking #procrasturbation”
@FrenziedFreshman - “I’m used to waking up early for high school, I’m sure I’ll have no trouble making all my 8 am’s. #2young2feelhungover #IlOvECoFfEe~!”
@omnomTrabant - “Trying to find a seat during lunchtime reminds me of the ‘Cornucopia’ scene of The Hunger Games. #Iwillcutyou #notasgoodlooking”
@omnomTrabant - “No I don’t think it’s ridiculous to charge $8 for that PB&J. I’d pay $10.”
@FrenziedFreshman - “Took my chances and ate the shrimp cocktail in the dining hall #YOLO.”
@PresidentHarker - “Breaking up with Coca-Cola was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made as President, but it had to be done. Bitch was crazy. CorporateDollar$”
@ChiefofPolice - “When I was in school, we thought a night of Charades was a wild time. What happened to you kids? #drugs #dancing”
@HenHouseHooligan - “That Old Spice stench from all the frat boys is overwhelming the fan system so much that the paint is starting to peel. #toxic #palpable #muskisnotsexy”
7. The Jessie Spano: Jessie is the girl that doesn’t want to be here, but her roommate Kelly forced her to come out. The only thing stiffer than this girl’s hold on her drink is the stick firmly shoved up her ass. But after Slater makes one of his classic rude remarks, we’ll see just who’s calling her “Mama” tonight… 6. The Screech Powers: Screech is what we call a “townie”. He was born and raised in good old Delaware, he frequents Grotto every night of the week, but he doesn’t actually attend UD. But hey, don’t feel too bad for him, he went to grade school with Zack, guaranteeing at least one drink that won’t be poured in his face tonight. 5. The Mr. Belding: Mr. Belding attended University of Delaware back in the 60’s but still hasn’t lost that Blue Hen pride. He’s there at 6p.m. before every game, telling you stories about when he was a young college kid. Just don’t let him near Kelly. 4. The Lisa Turtle: Lisa loves one thing and one thing only: Instagram. Or maybe it’s Twitter. Actually, it could be Facebook. One thing is for sure, she wants it to be KNOWN that she is at Grotto. Between swipes of Daddy’s credit card, she’ll be cruising the bar for the latest hot gossip to post online, and you could be next. 3. The Bayside Tigers: You know, with all this high school-esqe drama going around, you’ve got to be thankful for this group of guys. All they want to do is watch the game; they don’t care who Kelly makes out with. It’s the little things, ya know? 2. The Violet Anne Bickerstaff: You’re not really sure who this girl is but apparently she just used the words “Newark royalty” to describe herself. And is that a tramp stamp of the number 302? Wait, Lisa just told you this girl dated Screech in high school. Things are starting to make sense now. 1. The Mrs. Belding: You’ve heard stories of Mrs. Belding before; the legendary creature that preys on guys like Slater and Zack and makes them, uh “real men”. You’ve seen her at half price nachos with her newly divorced friends, but you never thought you would see her here. Does anyone know if she’s still with Mr. Belding or has Cougar Town come calling?
Kat Locke wrote this
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The Blue Hen Olympics Brittany Choplin wrote this
This summer we all watched people do unbelievably awesome things that made us feel inadequate. But here in Newark, there’s another competition. We haven’t hosted the Olympics, but we impress in other ways. Here are four events that’ll land that gold medal for mom to hang on the fridge. The Awkward Dodge: There’s nothing worse than an unwanted run-in with a past hook-up or previous friend on the way to class. Bronze: You laugh and talk loudly with your friend, apparently having the time of your life. Though effective, it’s obviously overdramatized. Silver: You dig for your phone and begin texting everyone you know. But somehow the walk now feels miles long. And you may or may not have almost tripped over Kirkbride Jesus. Gold: You look directly at him as if you don’t recognize him and smile daringly to see if he’ll wave. If he does, you can ignore him and watch as he awkwardly squirms. Friday Class Crawl: Quite the opposite of the bar crawl that landed you in the fetal position, this event involves crawling away from fun. Friday mornings are a breathtaking sight at Delaware. Bronze: You throw on the first t-shirt you find, realizing it is inside out when you get to class. The kid next to you is sniffing the air and you know he can smell the alcohol on you. Your stomach flips and a dash to the bathroom is embarrassing but necessary. Silver: You roll out of bed and into class. You gasp as you realize your half-finished assignment is still at home being used as a coaster for your last drink. It seemed a lot funnier at the time. Gold: Somehow you get to class in clean clothes and a large pair of sunglasses to shield your eyes from the sun. Soon enough you’ll be back in bed clutching your pillow and lying through your teeth as you whisper, “I’m never drinking again.”
100m Fountainstroke: You always pass the fountain and lock eyes with your friends, accepting that one day you’ll be splashing around in it like the idiot you really are. Bronze: The bars are closed, and the water beckons you. Unfortunately you’re the only one doing what the cool kids do and your friends upload pictures with captions like “awesome dolphin pose” and “naked fountain dance.” Oops. Silver: As you jump in with your friends, you realize it’s cold tonight and the water is no Jacuzzi. You see flashlights in the distance. Busted. Gold: It’s a beautiful night and the fountain has transformed into your personal swimming pool. You splash around like a five-year-old, climbing the book statue to reenact Titanic. NDB Wrestling: There’s nothing better for a hangover, study break, or empty stomach than Newark Deli & Bagels. Unfortunately, the rest of campus thinks so too. Bronze: You wait in a seven hour line only to wait an additional seven hours to receive your food. It’s Saturday and there are tours galore, so the number of people on campus has nearly doubled, along with your hunger. Silver: You lock eyes with the girl who walked in the door at the same time and you pick up the pace. She could put you one bacon, egg, and cheese away from victory. You smile as you pull ahead and beat her to the mile-long line. Gold: NDB is empty, you sing “Hallelujah” in your head, and skip to the counter to receive your food almost instantly. You take cover in a corner table far from loud noises and bright lights to consume your bagel. This campus is filled with potential Olympic talent, which we demonstrate every semester instead of every four years. I’d like to see Ryan Lochte avoid his exes, hungover on the way to class after a night of fountain swimming. No chance in Hell.
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Dining Plan Too Expensive, Students Graze on Central Green Dillon McLaughlin wrote this Turns out the grass, along with the money you save eating it, is greener. With dining hall prices approaching $2,200 per semester, students have begun consuming the sprawling grassland between Memorial Hall and Delaware Ave in a desperate effort to cut costs. Introduced to the campus in the late 1940s, the dining hall was created to provide good food at an affordable price. In 1948, students feasted for a semester and paid only $6. As inflation inevitably took its toll, the price reached $24 per semester by 1958, a 400 percent increase in only 10 years. It continued to increase, but policy always held to the original mission statement, “UD dining halls are devoted to making sure your child doesn't die, economically or corporeally.” This year a new mission statement has been adopted: “Make your choice, puny mortal.” Greg Fleming, sophomore Phys Ed major, is out to pasture. “Financial aid's not what it used to be and costs just sneak up on you,” he says. “One minute you're chowing down in Russell on some grilled cheese, the next your savings disappear and you're forcing yourself mouth-first into a lawn.” “You gotta do what you gotta do, I guess,” added Fleming, bending down for another face full of landscaping. “I guess I've always thought of us as livestock, getting herded from building to building and the grunting that qualifies as class participation, but I never thought it would come to this,” says junior Stan Garandino, stopping mid-chew, jaw askew, grass pulp dripping from the corners of his mouth. “It's degrading, but at least this way my mom won't be on me about eating salad.”
This “alternative nourishment strategy” was first promoted in the Environmental Studies major in 2004, but was dismissed as a “fanatical devotion” to the field of study. However, when the practice became a lifestyle choice among other majors, people began to take notice. “I saw kids bent over on the college lawn,” says 31-yearold Newark native Amy Harrelson. “I was rushing to meet some friends at Grotto, so I didn't pay much attention. But later, after quite a few drinks, my friends and I were looking for something to do.” Harrelson and her friends went to the green and participated in a boisterous late night session of “student tipping,” a variation on the popular rural activity “cow tipping.” “They were just standing there with this stupidly glazedover look in their eyes. How could we not?” says Harrelson. When asked about the dangers of ingesting the large amounts of the pesticide 2,4-Dichlorophenoxyacetic Acid, students were unanimously unconcerned. “The way I see it, this is no more of a risk than Bruce Banner took saving that kid from the gamma bomb, the one Bruce Wayne takes every night, or what the Fantastic Four experienced in that solar storm,” says super senior Gerald Hightman. “If I come away from this as a human bug zapper with a slightly higher risk of cancer, I'd call this a win-win.” The Black Sheep reached out to historians to find some precedence for the new eating habits. They were not alarmed at the resurgence of the alternative nourishment strategies, citing similar situations throughout history. “In particularly dire circumstances, man kind has found other ways to sustain themselves,” says Harold Arnold, an
unfortunately named historian at the Smithsonian Museum of American History. “At Valley Forge the Continental Army ate their leather shoes and belts, the ill-fated Donner Party turned to cannibalism during their trek westward, and Junie B. Jones poured orange juice in her cereal and it was delicious only it didn't taste that good.” Authorities have sequestered the area, warning civilians not to make eye contact with the grazing pupils. Unsuspecting pedestrians could elicit a herbivorous underclassmen's violent charge, a blow that could fatally wound the victim's credit score. Teachers have noticed a 1,300% increase in cud chewing in all fields of study except Criminal Psychology, where rates remain unchanged.
bartender of the week Brett l. grotto Shifts to catch him: Sunday and Monday nights, as well as every other Saturday. Drink He Made: Long Island (duh Grotto is known for them!) Sign: Gemini Besides Long Islands, what is your “signature drink” that everyone asks you to make?: Blueberry Lemonades. They’re super girlie. Do you ever have women come in and flirt to try and get free drinks from you?: Less than 10 a week, but there are repeat offenders. Do you ever try to get a girl’s attention with your bartending skills?: Yes, Alumni Night. I did well on Alumni Night. Where is the best place to get it on with someone in Grotto?: The handicap bathroom. You said that without hesitation!: It has a lock! You didn’t have to even ask me that
the drinking game
Flip Cup Bananagrams Whether you like it or not, school is here. Since you’ve drank yourself silly this summer and need a little brain boost, here’s a way to wipe those cobwebs from your noggin and get Tipsy Russell at the same time. What You’ll Need: 50 cups, beer, Bananagrams or Scrabble letter tiles, and vodka. Number of Players: No more than five. Good thing you don’t have many friends. Level of Intoxication: Pukin’ in the banana bag. How to Play: - Set up 50 cups on a table. - Fill 35 with beer and 15 with vodka. Make sure the vodka cups are randomly dispersed among the beer cups. - Give every player 15 Bananagram pieces, face down. - All players must flip their pieces over at the same time. - Players individually begin creating words in a crossword-like fashion. - Players may trade letters with their opponents. - When a player uses all of her letters, he or she says “Peel!” and every player must choose one cup and flip it on the table. - If the cup doesn’t land facedown, that player must toss back another cup. This continues until a player successfully lands a cup upside down. - If a player has letters that are impossible to place in their crossword, that player can call out “Dump!” and exchange the letter for more letters depending on how many cups he or she drinks (for example, if the player drinks two cups, he or she can take two new letters). - Once someone uses all of their letters, they say “Bananagrams!” and every other player must take a shot. The Game Ends When: Someone gets “Bananagrams!” Refill all cups and start over.
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question, anyone in here knows that! What is the craziest thing you have ever done for a tip?: I once carried a girl around the bar 5 times during a scavenger hunt. They gave me $50. What night is the sloppiest night of the week?: Tuesdays. It’s $2 Tuesdays…it’s…it’s just a mess. Have you ever served Joe Flacco?: I haven’t served him, I don’t even know if I was old enough to when he was here, but I have had drinks with him. What’s the best thing a girl can do to get your number while you are on the job?: You just have to ask, you can’t just leave your number and expect me to call. Sometimes there are like 4 guys working at a time and we don’t know who it’s for. What do you think is the best perk of being a bartender?: You get to meet a lot of people and you get to have fun with drunken people without having to be drunk.
Recipe for Disaster
S’mores Puppy Chow S’mores-flavored puppy chow, need we say more? Get s’more deliciousness without the pain-in-the-ass task of building, maintaining and extinguishing a bonfire. Where can one build a roaring campfire on a college campus, anyway? This grub is so delicious you might need a clean pair of pants afterwards. You’re welcome. What You’ll Need: Golden Grahams, chocolate chips, and mini-marshmallows. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: Your stomach won’t grow outward, your teeth will just cave in. They’re totally worth it, though. Let’s Get Baked: - Microwave the chocolate chips in a bowl until fully melted. Don’t burn ‘em or it’ll stink up your apartment. - Stir the chocolate until all the lumps and bubbles are gone. - Pour your Golden Grahams into a bowl. - Slowly pour chocolate all over your cereal. - Mix the cereal until all pieces are covered in chocolate. Add a little more if you’re feeling generous. - Take the mini marshmallows and mix them into your chocolate-covered cereal. - Put your final product in the freezer until the chocolate has hardened. Taste just one handful of this and we promise you’ll never make an old, boring s’more again.
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From the Streets
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
what is something that your parents warned you about college that they were right about? "My Mom warned me about all the things guys would say just to get into my pants." - Jessica L., Class of '13
"They wanted to make sure I stayed focused on school. I never thought about how hard it is to balance work and having fun." - Josh T., Class of 2015
"They warned me about the food. I thought it was good, but as the semester rolled on I realized what my parents meant by everything starting to taste the same." - Lauren L., Class of 2013
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6 Fall Films That Probably Won't Suck
Sadly, summer is over, spelling the end of the summer blockbuster. The Avengers, Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises - and other non-superhero films that people cared about all came out this summer. Sadly, there are no more huge hype machines screaming at us from every conceivable media outlet about what to go see. Gone are guaranteed action, adventure, and intrigue, now the threeminute trailers for movies coming out now may contain the only entertaining moments of the entire film. That doesn’t mean everything will be crap. Here we have a list of six flicks that look to be worth the time this coming autumn. By: Michael Mattucci
Dredd 3D - September 21
Frankenweenie - october 5
pitch perfect - october 5
Based on the 2000 AD comic-book character, Dredd is a member of a police force of the future called Judges who have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner. They are the law. After the 1995 Sylvester Stallone catastrophe known as Judge Dredd, this movie should easily hurdle the low-set bar left by Mr. Sly’s goofy turn as a roided-out future Rambo. However, while it will undoubtedly be an improvement from its 90s counterpart, on its own merits it could still fail to impress. It's a simple story, and for it to work the direction and performances need to be on point, lest it turn out to be a Michael Bay-esque action orgy.
Tim Burton remakes his own 1984 short film, this time going for the stop-motion he's so famous for (even if he didn't actually direct The Nightmare Before Christmas). The main character, Victor, loves his dog so much that he finds a way to bring him back to life! Shenanigans ensue as he tries to keep his creation a secret from the rest of the neighborhood. And no, he doesn’t have sex with the dog, why would you even think that?
A musical comedy about a group of misfits who form an all-girl a capella group to compete against the boys? Clearly it's a Glee/ girl power! cash-in, but could the student surpass its master? Glee has always been a "you love it or you hate it" program, but many Gleeks are losing faith in the show. Pitch Perfect looks to plummet down the forgettable movie musical hole, joining the ranks of Hairspray and From Justin to Kelly. If it doesn’t, we’ll sing its greatness from the mountaintops, because who doesn’t need more ridiculous musicals full of singing teenagers? It’s just like real life, minus the social awkwardness and bacne!
By reworking one of his earliest concepts, Burton has the opportunity to get back into form with a dark but family-friendly comedy that also tugs at your heartstrings. Remember the emotional rollercoaster that was Dark Shadows? No? Well, neither do we. Oh well, at least he's not bringing his wife, Johnny Depp, and his mistress, Helena Bonham Carter down with him this time.
Paranormal Activity 4 october 19
The Man with the Iron Fists november 2
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 | november 16
The exact plot is being kept under wraps (probably because it’s the exact same plot as the other three films), but Katy and her nephew Hunter, both missing since the events of the first two films, are now living next door to an unsuspecting family. These movies certainly stick to what Edgar Allen Poe called a "singular effect.” But just as Saw through Saw XXVI proved, many consumers love being force-fed the same scare tactics. And while they do try and change the game a little with each installment, overall we can't imagine this film will change your tune if you disliked the first three. And if you disliked the first three, why do you keep coming back? PHONY!
This is a story of a village in nineteenth-century China banding together to fight off a larger threat. Don't come to the theater expecting any level of historical accuracy. The Man with the Iron Fists looks to be a crazy over-the-top kung-fu action film with its own unique style brought to you by RZA, one of the most prominent members of the Wu-Tang Clan. However, he only co-wrote the film. His partner in this endeavor? Eli Roth, whose writing experience centers around the teenagers he brutally tortures in his gore-porn films. So let's hope he didn't help with the dialogue this time around. Here is a Rothian gem from Cabin Fever, in case you’re not familiar with his genius: Paul – “Why would you wanna kill squirrels?” Bert - “'cause they're gay.”
This made it on the list because regardless of the hate it gets, the franchise has a huge fanbase that throws its parent’s/boyfriend’s money at it. A success is a success. It's Twilight - no further introductions needed. If you're a Twilight fan there's pretty much nothing I can say to make you want to go see this any more or less than you already do. As for the people being dragged to this by their significant other, one can only hope that the film comes full-circle from terrible to terribly entertaining. Otherwise, constant remind your partner of the sexual courtesies they owe you for actually seeing this.
fitz & the tantrums
Noelle Scaggs, lead female vocalist for the indie soul band Fitz & The Tanturms, may be technically considered a “tantrum” in the band, but her powerhouse voice makes her the feistiest of them all. We had the chance to chat with the singer about performing love songs, being the only chick in a gaggle of guys, and, of course Ryan Gosling. Check out their hit album, Pickin’ up the Pieces while you wait for their newest album in 2013. By: Jess Sommers The Black Sheep: How did you get to know Michael Fitzpatrick, and how did Fitz & The Tantrums get started? Noelle Scaggs: Michael had been going through a really bad break-up and he wrote the song “Breakin’ the Chains of Love,” which was kind of his first song he had written with this Motown style. He called up John Wicks, a mutual friend of ours and our current drummer , to help develop more of these types of songs, which turned into our first EP, Songs for a Breakup, Vol. 1. So I went to the rehearsal studio and the first rehearsal we all just really jelled, mine and Michael’s voice jelled really well together. It felt like we had been performing for a long time. The beginning stages were really cool because it was a rare happening, you know, finding musicians who can really play and you have this moment of knowing this works. You’re not really sure where it’s going to go, but it really worked out. And everything with the band kept falling into place. We just kept getting offered gigs , and then came people who wanted to manage us. We had been together for six months before we go an offer for our first tour, with Hepcat and Flogging Molly, then came touring with Maroon 5. It was really special . TBS: A lot of your songs have to do with love and heartbreak. Tell me a little bit about the songwriting process. Noelle: On the new record we’ll all just get together and kind of jam out. The guys will send a track and Michael and I will build from them; I’ll create the lyrics and sometimes I’ll do the melody, or we’ll go back and forth. It’s just a melting pot of ideas that happen. I’ll write some stuff at my house and send it to Michael, he’ll vibe off of it and decide if he likes it or not, and vice versa. It’s a very collaborative effort. With Picking up the Pieces, because of the situation of Michael coming out of love, the entire story of that record was about breaking up and trying to get through that process. When I came to the table and brought that female dynamic, it became the two sides of the tale instead of just being about the male heartbreak. You get that female side as well which really dominates on stage. [Michael and I] have a really cool dynamic. TBS: So how do you like being the only girl in a group of guys? Noelle: I’ve been doing this for a long time and I’m used to being the only woman in a lot of bands. In my former band I was the only woman as well, and I was the front woman, so I’ve gotten used to it. You do have those times where you miss having a woman around. Thankfully, one of our managers is a woman and she comes on tour with us, so it gives me a nice break from being around all the guys all the time. But these guys are really amazing people, they’re really mature, it’s not like I’m touring with a bunch of teenagers who don’t really understand the business. We’re all good friends, we all respect each other, and, for that, it’s really cool. They’re very sensitive to me being the princess of the group. TBS: You personally have collaborated with a ton of different kinds of artists. Who are some of your favorites? Noelle: I really enjoyed working with will.i.am. He’s a really interesting character in the studio in that he just lets you go, he lets you flow, and the minute that he hears something good he’s like, “I want you do that.” He’s always been this really cool person to just jam out with and try to develop ideas and not really think about what’s going to happen. You just try things and have fun with it. I’ve always really enjoyed that about him in the studio, like I could just be playing around with something and he’d be like, “Go do that!” TBS: What are some things you always have around when you’re getting ready for a show? Noelle: Slippery Elm, it’s basically a root that comes in capsules that Michael and I drink in a tea, especially during cold season. I always, always, always have my watch. I don’t really like having my phone on me constantly, and that’s the reason why I bought the watch, so I know how much time we have before we go on stage. TBS: If you were stuck in an elevator for 24-hours, what one person would you ideally like to be stuck with? Noelle: From the music stand point, Thom Yorke. Also, maybe Ryan Gosling. I wouldn’t mind being locked up in an elevator with him, that’d be cool.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Animal collective - Centipede hz out september 4 Experimental physco geniuses Animal Collective are out with their latest record Centipede HZ. This being their sixth studio album is supposedly less ambient, and more “live-band” rock, but with still all the screams and sounds that we’ve come to know and love from these Baltimore-natives. cat power - sun out september 4 Cat Power aka Chan Marshall’s latest album Sun is her first alloriginal album in six years and, dammit, we know it’ll be worth the wait. The elusive singer has jumped many hurdles to get to this point, including declaring bankruptcy and a stint in the hospital. She’s a total badass though, and we’re glad to see her back. Check out her latest single “Cherokee.” Breaking Bad - Season 5, part 1 finale Sunday, september 2 @ 10pm EST Walt (Bryan Cranston) is becoming more and more desperate to stay in the meth business and having an even harder time convincing Jesse (Aaron Paul) to stay aboard. We’re curious to see how part 1 of Season 5 is going to end, and already anxious for Summer 2013 to come so we can see if Walt will finally get caught - and if Skyler will ever stop crying.
the classtime madlib: 1st day of freshman year I’m just reading over my ___1___ entry from yesterday, where I live-blogged my first day of college. Holy ___2___, I am awesome: 8 am: Okay, so I’m getting ready for my first “class” lol. This to-go coffee mug is so perfect for ___3___ and ___4___. Plus I’ll look so ___5___ around the guys. I hope some are wearing ___6___! 10:20 am: Thaaaat was boring. Skipping ___7___ because I don’t even know what I want to be yet. I’m thinking I could be the next ___8___ because I’m so emotional and creative. Hopefully my roommate is back, she’s from ___9___ but I can tell she’s got a wild side to her, like that bitch ___10___. Maybe she’ll want to rip the ___11___ and go H.A.M. in the caf. 11:30 am: WOW what a ___12___! She said she won’t smoke yet because she usually waits until right before dinner. I wonder if everything is okay? I found her fifth of ___13___ and I’m just going to have a sip.
11:55am: I just Googled hiccup cure. :/ 1:30 pm: So I went to the Caf by myself and spilled a tray of ___14___ all over this cute darkskinned boy. I said “___15___, you ain’t trippin’, I am trippin.’” Everyone laughed at me! Maybe I’ll be the next Chelsea Handler?
1) online blog/journal 2) expletive 3) Cheap liquor 4) unusual mixer 5) adjective for smart 6) type of fabric 7) Entry-level math 8) Trendy author
2pm: I just ordered an extra-large, double ___16___ pizza, about to carry it down the hall to make some drinkin’ buddies. 4:35 PM: OH MY GOSH I just got this sophomore to buy me alcohol, but she insisted on a 6-pack of ___17___ instead of the 30 rack I hoped for. She goes, “You don’t want to end up like ___18____.” I was kind of offended, but I took them anyway. 9:30 pm: Wow, I’ve never had a nap like that before! Feels like I’ve been on ___20___ for like three years. I went to the bathroom and saw I had vomit on my ___21____ so that’s cool. Met some girls bonging ___22___ in the bathroom, so I think I’m going to meet up with them now. College is awesome!
9) foreign country 10) rowdy celebrity 11) weed smoking device 12) adjective for dork 13) expensive liquor 14) drunk food 15) slang for boy 16) meat topping 17) craft beer 18) celebrity in #10 19) Trashy mtv show 20) Planet 21) Article of clothing 22) cheap beer
G N I H T E M O S S Y A THERE’S ALW TE’S!
A K T A G N I N E HAPP TINI TUESDAYS
G. AND DJ NICK SPINNIN TS AF DR HT LIG $2 , $3 VODKA DRINKS -11PM) + $2 LIGHT
PM BOX WINE GLASSES (9 $3 S Y A D S R U H BOX WINE T D DJ KEVIN SPINNING AN KS IN DR A DK VO TS AND O DRAFTS, $3 JAGER SH
PM) CRAFT BEERS (9PM - 11 $4 S Y A ID R F R E CRAFT BE D DJ WILL SPINNING AN TS O SH L AL EB FIR $3
+ $3 VODKA DRINKS, PM - 11PM) + $10
INNY GIRL DRINKS (9 SK $5 S Y A D R U T SKINNY GIRL SA E (5PM - 10PM) + $3 VODKA DRINKS & $3 GUMMY BEAR IN OFF ALL BOTTLES OF W EW HUGH SPINNING DR AN DJ + ) SE O CL SHOTS (9PM
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