Clemson Fall Issue 8 - 11/29/12

The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue Volume 3, Issue 8 11/29/12 - 12/7/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_clem

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contents page 5: Quiz Time!

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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Are you a “Jingle Bell Rock” kinda guy? Or a “Baby It’s Cold Outside” kinda raper?

page 6: If Santa Came to Clemson

Table of

what are you most looking forward to during thanksgiving break?

page 6: Top 10 Events on Clemson’s Campus Chad Kelly’s going to be pissed that he is only number 6.

page 11: Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Week Find out how you can blow off some steam for some quick (illegal) stress relief.

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page three p e e h S k The Blaicle App Mob

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Gas Has Rye

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Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

word of the week quipster:

A person who uses outdated phrases in an attempt to be amusingly ironic.

“What do you mean you think I sound like an idiot?

Well how ‘bout you just go talk to the hand, ‘cuz this face don’t wanna hear it?”

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are you smarter than?

Guy From the Bronze Tiger, Baron 1) United States History Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.

A: A book depository

6) Entertainment Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte --among others-- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.

A: Captain America? No wait, Han Solo.

2) Food The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world’s hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.

A: Scoville Units

7) Literature This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.

A: David Wallace

3) Geography These plates’ edges are found at fault lines around the world.

What huge pieces or rock make up the Earth’s crust?

A: Plates... tectonic plates.

8) World Religion Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest?

A: Wait I know this. It starts with an M... Mecca.

4) Math Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.

A: Radius is from center of circle to edge of circle, diameter from edge to edge across the center of the circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle.

9) Biology What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?

A: Is it DNA? No it’s ribonucleic acid so it’s RNA.

5) Technology The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.

A: Photo

10) Current Events Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.

A: Petraeus

FRIDAY IS LADIE’S NIGHT!

correct answers 1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the outside of a circle to it’s center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference

baron's score: 10/10 correct (damn!)

Thai spice Noodles & Rice

1106 Tiger Boulevard.

$2 DRINKS NO COVER BEFORE 12 LADIES FREE ALL NIGHT

is the distance around a circle.

5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus

864.624.9115

COME AND TRY OUR DELICIOUS PAD THAI!

Quiz: What Christmas song are you?

1.) Studying for finals, you listen to: A. None other than our campus radio! The hits!

B. My heartbeat and breath.

C. Christmas Music!!!!!!!

D. I prefer to sit by cute girls and listen to them breathe.

2.) Someone invites you to the third Christmas Party of the weekend, you: A. Will go if the guy to girl ratio is heavily in your favor.

B. Prefer to drink whiskey alone during the holidays.

C. say YES! I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS ALL THE TIME! D. Would rather have your own party, far away from campus.

3.) It’s snowing! This means: A. You get to bundle up in your cutest winter accessories.

B. Death, things are finally dying.

C. St. Nick came! Maybe there are dollars in my shoes!

D. Girls will be easily wooed into staying in warmer places.

4.) People start reminiscing about past Christmases, and now it’s your turn to talk: A. “Last year my significant other and I stayed in and drank wine by the fire. It was so presh.”

B. “Any time of year is good when the old man is too drunk to get mad.”

C. “I can’t decide what Christmas I like the most! I LOVE THEM ALL!” D. You stare into the eyes of the most attractive mate and say “My favorite Christmas has yet to come.”

5.) At what age did you stop believing in Santa?: A. I believe the Christmas Spirit lives on through love.

B. When the old man re-gifted his half pack of cigarettes when I was six.

C. NEVERRRRR!!!!!!

D. I believe Santa lives inside us, and comes out through passionate love making.

6.) What’s your favorite Christmas movie?

A. Love Actually!!

B. The Nightmare Before Christmas.

C. Uh It’s A Wonderful Life? Duh. D. Barbie in a Christmas Carol.

7.) A group you are involved with decides to do a Secret Santa, you buy: A. Hot cocoa and wine :) B. Nothing, I’m sick and can’t leave my apartment…

C. What’s the dollar limit!? I BUY THE BEST GIFTS! D. “Leftover” Magnum condoms.

8.) You’re finally home for winter break, the first thing you do is: A. Send “I miss you,” texts to my significant other(s).

B. Lay in my bed, reaching for my childhood innocence.

C. Help mom put up all the decorations!

D. Look for porn I might have hid in high school.

answer key: A=1, B=2, C=3, D=4

0-8 “All I Want For Christmas Is You” – Mariah Carey Well aren’t you just a preppy little love bird!? This song revolutionized Christmas by giving people an outright way to say “I want to have sex with you tonight.” So have some wine, wiggle your hips and point at anyone during the chorus, and Santa won’t be the only one coming on Christmas.

9-16 “Carol of the Bells” You are very serious. Christmas is nothing more than a signifier of the endless passage of time.

Christmas bells, snow, and cold weather only mark another year closer to death. People are out there starving, and here we are, worshiping capitalism and reveling in manufactured cheer. In the winter, we should just sit in front of the fireplace, waiting to die.

17-24 “Jingle Bell Rock” You are just the worst. You’re the poster-child for the Christmas season, and everyone cringes at your unwavering enthusiasm this time of year.

It looks like a Christmas bomb exploded in your apartment, and you just love having the sisters over to show it off. If the bar isn’t playing Christmas music, you’ll request it and dance your pants off. DANCE GOD DAMMIT IT’S CHRISTMAS BE HAPPY. 25-32 “Baby It’s Cold Outside” For some reason, winter and Christmas bring out the creep in you. You are the rapiest of the Christmas songs, and unlike Mariah Carey, utterly fail at sexualizing Christmas. The cold weather just gives you a reason to tell girls their “lips look delicious,” and convince them they’ll catch pneumonia if they go outside. Yes, they’ll be way better off staying in your dank love-dungeon for sure.

y asle E in el i EN! D ho’s W OP c u Gro NO

Thurs 11/29: Christopher Branch Fri 11/30: Jamie Wright Experience

Groucho’s Deli: Fast, Fresh, Original Since 1941!

Groucho’s Deli of Clemson 104 Finley St. | Clemson, SC (864) 653.7764 Like us on Facebook!! fb.com/grouchos

The Top 10

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events from fall at clemson 10.) The Dabo Swinney-Steve Spurrier comment war: The Clemson-South Carolina rivalry is in full swing. The two head football coaches have been going through a year-long war of words on interviews and such. The best, by far, was Clemson’s Dabo Swinney’s “TWEET THAT” rant that has become a staple of Clemson-USC rivalry lore: “Carolina is in Chapel Hill, USC is in California, and THE university in THIS state is in CLEMSON, SOUTH CAROLINA. TWEET THAT!” 9.) Renovation of Harcombe Dining Hall: The university deciding to actually invest some of its money into making Harcombe halfway decent has definitely made freshmen a lot happier. While the food may be the same shitty processed Aramark slop, the dining hall itself has more seating options and a more organized layout. We’re just pissed they waited until after we moved off campus to do so.

8.) Technical Renovations to Memorial Stadium: For all of us Clemson students who had to turn around to face the big screen at the top of the hill in previous years, that no longer has to be done. The university installed two smaller screens on each side of the west end zone so the students don’t look like idiots who turned away from the action.

If Santa Came to Clemson University Blake Miller wrote this Girls have already hung up what little of their slutty Halloween costumes remain, and the guys have gained a pants size courtesy of turkey and dressing overload, so you know what that means! It’s that time of the year again for people to pretend like they care about things other than presents! So break out your eggnog and Clemson snuggies, because Ol’ Saint Nick is stopping by to deliver Clemson students what we all really want…

An Undefeated Football Season: Clemson football has teased us with talented teams for years, but we never can capture the magic of that 1981 national championship season again. It’s been the equivalent of buying a really awesome-looking doughnut, but when you bite into the middle of it, instead of delicious cream you have a gross custard that almost loses a home game to Wofford. It doesn’t help the fact that the same conference that has South Carolina has pretty much dominated the college football scene as of late.

Santa, please give us an undefeated football season, and with it, another national championship.

We’ve been good, we swear. Well, better than Alabama fans, at least.

Never to Lose to South Carolina Again: Speaking of those damn chickens, it would really be nice to never have to hear them crow again. Four wins in a row? Seriously? Santa, with one of the most efficient quarterbacks and the best pair of wide receivers in the nation, we think we can manage the winning aspect on our own, but can you please tell Steve Spurrier that he’s not even the best coach in the nation, let alone the state of South Carolina? At the top of our Christmas list, we ask that you end the trash talk that starts in the shithole of the state. Fix Lattimore’s knee though. Poor guy.

More Parking Spaces or Less Parking Enforcement: Both would be nice, but we’ll settle for one or the other. We’ve all been in the position where we’re running late for class and have to creepily stalk people walking to their cars just to see if we can steal their parking spot. That’s just uncomfortable for everyone, even kids who wear trench coats. And unless Clemson wants half of its student population with misunderstood restraining orders, we need to get some more parking, and fast. Or better yet, we could just eliminate the Parking Nazis that rule with an iron fist. Those parking enforcement cars look like they came straight out of the set of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, so don’t let them show you up, Santa.

I think their hearts are three sizes too small, and it’s resulting in all of our savings shrinking along with them.

More Restaurant Variety: Don’t get us wrong, we love sandwiches and 3 a.m. Cook-out runs just as much as the next guy, but when there seems to be 5,000 Subways within walking distance of campus, it’s time we let one of them go and replace it with something that is more appealing to the masses. You can find a Wendy’s or a McDonald’s in every town across the nation - we want more restaurants that enhance Clemson’s already unique college atmosphere. We’ve got Triple T’s for our weekends - how about more places that deliver so we don’t have to go out in public with our hangovers? Hook us up, Santa.

Help us stocking stuff our faces.

It’s a small list, Santa, but it means a lot to us. We could use a pick-me-up at least, and if that means the next hurricane wiping out The University ofSouth Carolina only, that will do. Just don’t write us another note saying “A puppy would die in my sleigh so stop asking and leave more cigarettes next year,” because we got enough of that in our childhood.

7.) The Library Reflecting Pond is a normal color: Remember last year when some campus group had the brilliant idea to attempt to dye the reflecting pond orange for the Auburn game? And after a week, it looked like someone had explosive diarrhea all up in there?

Well it looks like they learned their lesson after it took the whole year and a deep clean to go away.

6.) Chad Kelly swag: For those of you who don’t know who this blustering presence on campus is, Chad Kelly was a QB recruit from Buffalo, NY. He immediately started controversy by trying to call out the starting quarterback, Tajh Boyd for his job, and starting a Twitter war with backup QB Cole Stoudt.

What a winner. He also got into a fight with a kid outside of one of his classes. Yeah Chad, keep walking with your obnoxious looking headphones and your giant iPad around campus. Swag.

5.) Southern Living Well: Important publication Southern Living recently recognized Clemson as the nation’s top spot for tailgating. Of course, if any publication is to comment on tailgate quality, it’s Southern Living, as those north of the Mason-Dixon have no idea what a real tailgate is like. It’s like, have you seen our women and...uh...our men?

4.) Completion of the Academic Success Center: The students were graciously given a new Academic Success Center by the Class of 1956. Now students have both a library and an Academic Success Center to cram in their last studying before finals or exams! Now we have more tutors at your disposal to show how unintelligent and unprepared we are! Thanks Class of 1956! You guys rock!

3.) Clemson football didn’t pull a Clemson: Since this campus pretty much revolves around the football team, we added another football event. The Tigers finished the ACC regular season with only one loss, to the #4 Florida State Criminoles in Tallanasty. They didn’t give up one of those boneheaded losses to a crappy team like we’ve become famous for, such as NC State or GT last year. Hopefully, we’re over this trend.

2.) Clemson has its largest freshman class ever: The soon-to-be Class of 2016 broke the school record with 3,450 new freshmen coming in. Guess what seniors? That means 3,450 more freshmen to rob the cradle with! Just make sure you check their IDs for under 18s.

Also of note, the university still has fewer students and remains better than that poor excuse for an institution down in Columbia. Go Tigers, go America.

1.) The 2012 Election Cycle: 2012 was a presidential election year that made Clemson’s campus particularly interesting. Nothing makes people more polarized than politics. While everyone has their right to express political opinions, Clemson seems to be predominantly on one side of the spectrum. This was illustrated when the student section booed during the induction oath of new military recruits at Death Valley after the line “obey the order of the President of the United States” was read. Classy, we know. Also, the students exercised their constitutional rights and demanded from the university a day off for Election Day. Getting a day off by petitioning the president of Clemson was pretty awesome. Way to go us!

Dustin Bertelsen wrote this

Crazy Uncle Jackson’s $20 Gift Basket Bonanza!!!

Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?

For the Very Virginal

For the Super Study Buddy

For the Rowdy Roommate

Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”

If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick?

The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet.

1 Starbucks gift card ($5) She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you by morning.

1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8) If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night?

1 Post-it tags ($4) She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important.

1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3) Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.

1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6) Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays.

1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6) The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not.

1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4) It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit.

1 Korky Plunger ($4) Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”

For the Hometown Homeboy

For the Mother Hen

Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday-- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do.

1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4) When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it.

1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5) Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early.

1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6) Yes, page one has the missionary position on it.

14gb MircoSD Card ($4) He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.

For the Brokest of Bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one.

Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change.

1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50) He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving.

1 12oz bottle of Sriracha sauce ($3) Everything he eats may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms.

2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9) The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache.

1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6) Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.

Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her.

1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10) With eagle-eye vision, she’ll be able to protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun.

1 Leash ($6) Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close.

1 Whistle bracelet ($2) As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box.

1 Appointment book ($2) If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.

1 Soda Can Stash ($8) No matter the vice, a parent will find it.

Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can.

4 Random shirts from the local Goodwill. When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings.

1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5) When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one.

1 Community college bumper sticker ($3) When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.

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SPECIAL NIGHT

12/21: End of the World Clear the Cooler Party! All Specials at Rock Bottom Prices

Monday Night Football Special $12.50 Buckets of beer (4 Beers) and $3 L.I.T.

FRI: Ladies Night! $2 Drink Specials No Cover Before 12 Ladies Free All Night!

Happy Hour Everyday 5-8PM $1.50 High Life & Busch Lt. $2 Wells | 1/2 Price Wine Glasses $5 Burger w/ Fries, $5 Chicken Sandwich, 1/2 Price Select Apps

THUR.

Burger and a Beer! $7.50 Burgers with choice of Beer $5.50 32 ounce Liquor Pitchers

32oz Thursday $10 32oz Margarita (Regular, Peach, Melon)

College night! $2 Drink Specials $0.25 Rolling Rock No Cover w/ College ID

11/29: Christopher Branch Happy Hour 5-7PM Everyday: $1.50 High Life and Busch Lt.

FRI.

12/21: End of the World Clear the Cooler Party! All Specials at Rock Bottom Prices

$3 Red Stag & $3 Capt Morgan

Ladies Night! $2 Drink Specials No Cover Before 12 Ladies Free All Night!

11/30: Jamie Wright Experience Happy Hour 5-7PM Everyday: $5 Burger w/ Fries

SAT.

Show up Before 12am to Avoid the Overtime Line!

(No special on gamedays)

$3 Pinnacle Flavors

Dance Party! $1 Jello Shots

$2 Wells 5-7PM Everyday

SUN.

Come Buy Your Beer and Wine To-Go on Sundays! (only with a membership)

Closed

Call to Book Your Next Mixer!

Closed

MON.

Kitchen open 11:30AM- 11PM with Daily Lunch Specials

Monday Night Football Special $12.50 Buckets of beer (4 Beers) and $3 L.I.T.

Call to Book Your Next Mixer!

Monday Night Football! $18.95 for 20 Wings and a Beer Bucket $0.50 Wings 5-7 Everyday

TUE.

$5.75 Large pizza $4.75 Bud Light Pitchers $2.25 House Liqour from 4-8

$3 Martinis

Call to Book Your Next Mixer!

Closed

WED.

The Grid

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Yeungs and Wings! $4.75 Yeungling Pitchers $6.75 for a Dozen Wings

Call to Book Your Next Mixer!

Working Women’s Wednesday!

1/2 Price Drinks for Ladies 1/2 Price Apps 5-7 Everyday

$3 Tequila

real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing.

Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays!

But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays.

Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all!

But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop.

Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted!

But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.

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Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again.

Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents!

But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right.

Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy!

But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays.

Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time!

But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer.

Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list!

But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethic friends’ memories do not, you racist.

Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner!

But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength.

Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do.

But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies.

Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome!

But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet.

Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out!

But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em.

Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit!

But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.

HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.

DJANGO UNCHAINED

KESHA - WARRIOR

WII U

Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox

lame

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How do you carry on your college lifestyle when home?

“I plan on sleeping. Lots of sleep! So I guess I’m not really carrying on my college lifestyle over break.”

- Jerome, Senior

The Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Week chris dart wrote this

Finals suck, that’s just a straight-up fact. You spent the whole semester planning your wedding on Pinterest or drooling over Mind the Gap Monday galleries on the Chive, and now the week has finally come where you have to cram four months worth of nonsense into your head within a few hours. Red Bull, Adderall, coffee, and sweet study playlists all help you focus as you hunker down in Cooper for some excruciating studying, but sometimes you just need to blow off some steam. All to often, just having a beer or pwning a few n00bz in COD doesn’t quite do it. No way, sometimes you need something more to take the edge off.

Something illegal. Here are a few ways to blow off some steam (that would be dope as shit) (but that you probably shouldn’t do).

Shop!: Some people blow steam off by spending money on material goods that we don’t really need. A set of Ugg boots here (are they still relevant?) a pair of Ray-Bans there and POOF! The stress of finals has immediately dispersed. But we’re college kids, we don’t have any money! Easy fix! Just steal someone’s identity and use their credit card to order the entire J.Crew catalog. By the time they finally do put you in jail, finals week will be way over and your clothes will be out of fashion anyway.

Publicly ask for weed!: Weed is a traditional favorite. Roll a blunt, take a hit, sit back and watch Hey Arnold! The more weed the better. Put up an ad on Craigslist (please, don’t actually do this) for some ganja and hit that kush up. If Clemson’s finest break in, just make sure they wait until the part where Helga punches Stinky is over before they haul you away. That shit is hilarious.

Break into Death Valley!: Sports more your thing? No problem, we got you covered. Break into Death Valley and play some football with some buddies. Heck, you might even be able to make our defense if you prove that you can actually make a tackle. Just kidding, we’re still learning. But nothing will make dad proud like a sex tape filmed at the 50 yard line.

Break things!: Have you ever seen that episode of How I Met Your Mother where Barney smashes a TV every time he hears

Ted say he slept with Robin? Destroying shit makes you feel a lot better. Office Space anyone? Find some shitty TV, steal or jack your neighbors, take it out in the street and beat the hell out of it. Better yet, destroy someone’s car, preferably a white Ford Mustang with license plate SC1 QB7. The fewer douchebags driving around, the better. When the cops finally find you, just deny, deny, deny. “Nah bro, that’s not me.”

“I do lots of outdoor stuff and exercise. Like running and kayaking, oh and shopping!” - Alice, Senior

SCREAM!: Screaming at the top of your lungs can help release some built-up stress. Break into Tillman, head to the top of the clock tower and start screaming. Do a cadence count or two. In no time, you’ll have a huge crowd of fellow student’s cheering you on and the occasional jokester telling you not to jump. If the cops show up and haul you away, be sure to pull a Randy Marsh and pull your pants down as you’re being led to the car. “Oh, I’m sorry! I thought this was America!”

Skinny dip in the Reflecting Pond!: Finally, lots of people like to use exercise to release final week stress. Too bad Fike isn’t open 24 hours a day like Cookout seems to be. It’s no wonder you’re getting fatter. When the urge to work out finally hits you at 3:30a.m. the night before the test, crawl out of your cave in Cooper and take a quick dip in the reflection pond. No swimsuit?

No problem! A skinny dip might get you a cold and an addition to your permanent record, but at least you won’t be stressed out for your final! No, you’ll just be in jail.

While all of these are surefire ways for you to spend the night in Clemson’s famous slammer, at least you’ll get woken up by a McDonalds sausage and egg biscuit in the morning. (Little known factoid: all inmates get a free biscuit upon waking up in Hotel del Clemson Jail, upon realizing they’re in deep shit. Now that’s southern hospitality). If you can, though, avoid all these and just push through the pain. Finals week is just a week, after all. It could be worse; you could have had to study all year! Good Luck!

“Studying for upcoming classes for next semester and going to bars. A little bit of school and party. So college.”

- Kyle, Super senior

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The Black Sheep's Millennial Nativity: Can you find all ten contemporary idols in this nativity scene? If St. Jar Jar answers your prayers, send in your answers and we'll send you some sweet swag!

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CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME

Home Alone

A Christmas Story

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Take a drink when someone crashes into the McCallister lawn jockey Take a drink when anytime a scene features hilariously deadly head trauma Take a drink when anyone says, “Uh, he should be dead, right?”

Take a drink when you notice product placement Take a drink for “KEVIN!” Take two drinks for every Old Man Marley sighting Take two drinks when Kevin talks to himself or breaks the fourth wall Chug your drink during “Carol of the Bells”

Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams.

Take a drink when Mr. Parker mentions the furnace.

Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out!”

Take a drink when Randy whines or cries.

Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker.

Take two drinks when anytime you see any Wizard of Oz character or the Wizard of Oz is mentioned Chug your drink for the Old Man’s lamp Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells”

Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas Take a drink when something goes wrong Take a drink when a calendar door is opened Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie Take two drinks when Clark's bonus is referenced in conversation Finish your drink for every family lesson learned or attempted

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Elf

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys Chug your drink when Rudolph flies

Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas spirit Take a drink when Buddy is scared Take a drink when Buddy screams Santa Take a drink when Buddy sings Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to Take a drink when maple syrup is shown or mentioned Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up

Take a drink when Gonzo narrates Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument Take a drink when bell rings or a clock tolls Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly Take a drink when THE BELL TOLLS ONE! Take a drink when Michael Caine gets teary-eyed Take two drinks for each new ghost Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes Take three drinks when Beaker flips off Scrooge as he and Bunsen are leaving Scrooge's office Finish your drink and cry when Tiny Tim dies.

Finish another when they sing "The Love We Found”

around Clemson!

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d n o p n o i t c e l f e r t l

Meet The Staff campus manager Molly Griffin

pr/Marketing TEAM Zach Adamo

campus director Brendan Bonham

Advertising Managers Frances Johnson

owner Atish Doshi

Writers Dustin Bertelsen, Blake Miller

Founders Molly Griffin, Matthew Clayton, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers

Cartoonist Andreas Aristides distribution manager Jason Glover Social media manager Lauren White

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Editorial manager Chris Dart

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n Todaros e Bowman Harcombe b Cooper m Downtown Redfern find someValley of the best or worst o Death places (depending on your c Hendrix Little John around clemson! perspective) Gardens r Botanical todaros Reflection Pond a Spill Thebowman Beans harcombe h Fike cooper Java City downtown e The Union redfern death valley x hendrix e little john botanical gardens a reflection pond spill the beans o fike t java city the union s

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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the madlib

twas the night before christmas break.. .

Twas the night before Christmas Break, when all through the __1__ not a __2__ was __3__, not even a __4__. __5__ was cramming for his/her __6__ final, In hopes that soon after, he/she could crack open a __7__ All hopped up on __8__ and a few Adderall, __9__ knew that soon, he/she’d be drunk at __10__ Only a few more hours, until they were free, if only they’d stop surfing __11__ and study When out in the __12__ there arose such a __13__, __14__ sprung up to see what was the matter Out in the __15__ he/she saw a __16__ delivery guy, here with much needed __17__ to get him/her through the night Back to the books, __18__ went in such a hurry, only __19__ hours more did he/she have left to study. __20__, __21__, and mother __22__-ing __23__s. __24__ just said “screw it, let’s just get it done.”

When the hour finally came, to take his/her last final, __25__ walked into class, donning a very __26__ smile Feeling __27__ about the test, but glad that the semester was over, __28__ went back home, and worked his/her first Christmas Break hangover.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good __29__.

15) Place 16) Food 17) Food 18) Same name as 5 19) Number 20) Noun 21) Noun 22) swear word 23) Noun 24) Same name as 5 25) Same name as 5 26) Adjective 27) Adjective 28) Same name as 5 29) Noun

go tigers!

go tigers!

By: chris dart

1) Place on Campus 2) Noun 3) Verb 4) amount 5) Name 6) A shitty class 7) Alcoholic beverage 8) Noun 9) Same name as 5 10) A bar in downtown Clemson 11) Favorite website 12) Place 13) Sound 14) Same name as 5