The Black Sheep
FR BOT EE... TOM LIKE OF Y THE OUR FRIE FRI S AT END THE ’S B AG.
Vol. 4, Issue 4
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/20/14 - 3/5/14
A SIMPLE NOTE ON
CLEMSON PARKING SERVICES HASHTAGSRAT WROTE THIS
Dear Fellow Tigers, At some point in every leader’s life, she must choose whether she will be popular or respected. It’s all fine and good to be cool and fun and popular, but every effective individual must eventually make the hard choice to follow the rules, regardless of whether people will dislike them for it. Clemson Parking Services, also known as CPS or The Devil’s Servants, are to be applauded for making those hard choices, for choosing social order over social success. CPS is a perfect example of the social contract. In a functioning, non-anarchical society, citizens agree to render their animalistic free will to law in order to obtain protection and services from their society. In other words, people stop doing whatever ratchet shit that they want to do in order to have the advantages of belonging to a group. So can you blame that godforsaken CPS dude for tooling around the Horseshoe in his little SmartCar and windbreaker, just trying to maintain social order for you selfish twats? It’s not his fault that you decided to hog a 30-minute spot. Furthermore, if you’ve ever noticed the absolute joy that the parking guy derives from handing out tickets, it’s downright cruel of you to attempt to deny him such happiness. As Cher Horowitz so wisely stated, “It’s like that book I read in the 9th grade that said ‘tis a far, far better thing
doing stuff for other people’.” It’s the highest human pursuit to act in a way that will bring joy to others; isn’t it worth it to give both that hard-working gentleman and our university -- which works so hard to not squeeze us for cash at any chance they get- $30 and a little derivative happiness for staying in a 30 minute spot for 35 minutes on a Sunday? It doesn’t seem like that big of a price for blatantly breaking a clearly stated rule, or for making someone’s day. Frankly, one should leave his car out any chance he gets in order to fill that beautiful CPS bastard’s time and wallet. The recently-ticketed should shake the officer’s hand and thank him for his service to our university as he firmly, but lovingly places that orange ticket on his windshield. Considering all the parking enforcement responsibility that he’s charged with -- of the strenuous task of indiscriminately shilling tickets and citations, of all the strain he puts on himself to maintain parking order -- one must fight the urge to tenderly embrace the CPS officer, thanking him for his dutiful service. Think about all of the heinous parking citations that the Clemson student body commits daily, horribly inconveniencing all of the five people who both live on campus and use their car during the school day. In the time that CPS employees mitigate such disorder, one can’t help but get a little emotional. The man doling out the tickets is a modern hero—akin to our boys in blue,
our firefighters, our elementary school teachers, our thankless civil servants. Next time you consider misusing Clemson Parking Services for whatever undoubt-
edly selfish reason you have, stop to consider all of the hard work that CPS does for us, despite the fact that it has brought all of their workers massive unpopularity. He’s just doing his job, you rule-breaking
asshats. Yours in complete and total insincerity, Hashtagsrat
PAGE 4 PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF ANNOYANCE: THE DO’S AND DON’TS
PAGE 6 TOP 10: SPRING BREAK ALTERNATIVES
PAGES 10-11 THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: BIG GIGANTIC
KEEP YOUR LOVEY-DOVEY ANTICS WITHIN YOUR BEDROOM WALLS, PLEASE.
CAN’T AFFORD TO GO ALL OUT FOR SB2K14? HERE ARE SOME SUGGESTIONS.
WE CHAT WITH JEREMY SALKEN OF THE FUNKY HIP-HOP AND JAZZ DUO.
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