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The Black Sheep

peo free. ple ..lik ea w for ill be ll th t h e s h o e ot nex vin her t fe g in cra w w yo u p eek r fa s. ce

Vol. 3, Issue 1

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

8/22/13 - 8/29/13

Bid Day in Tigertown: The Drinking Game BY: hashtagsrat Sorority recruitment at Clemson is an incredibly stressful time, not only for sisters and PNMs, but also for those not participating in the festivities. Our fraternity boys are forced to get drunk for a week straight without a slew of beautiful sorority girls accompanying them on the train to Bad Decision City, since those beautiful sorority girls are all tied up recruiting their new babies. With all of the girls stuck in recruitment and consequently stuck in a dry period, the men of Clemson have to make up for it by getting aggressively drunk and aggressively creepy on girls’ Bid Day. So, creepy boys of Clemson, this one’s for you. Take a drink… When sororities fight over who gets the center spot on Bowman: These girls do NOT mess around. When hair is pulled or a girl gets pushed to the ground, take a sip knowing that she’ll be looking for someone to validate her later that night. When a group of new girls runs down to your ex’s sorority: You’ll need to be hammered to forget how pissed she’ll be when you buck sensitivity and hook up with one of their new girls anyway. When an older sorority girl shoots you a nasty look for being there: Better yet, look her in the eye and drink. Power moves are always appreciated, especially when some stuck-up girl is trying to shame you for trying to welcome the new girls to Clemson Greek life in a positive environment. Sorry you’re romantic.

Every time you find yourself inappropriately attracted to girls that are basically still high schoolers: Do you have a little sister their age? Possibly. Do you really want to think about that now? No. So take a swig of whatever disgusting Everclear-Gatorade concoction you brought with you and try to focus on the burning feeling in your esophagus, not in your blushing cheeks. Every time you feel vaguely creepy for participating; shame is for the sober, right?: It’s a time-honored tradition, and frankly, after a long summer without all of the gorgeous Clemson girls you’ve come to know and have casual sex with, you deserve this. Don’t let the haters get you down. Every time a girl takes a tumble on her way down the hill: Let’s be honest—people really show up to Bid Day en masse to see the few unfortunate girls who careen down the hill onto Bowman as they run to their new home. Schadenfreude: it’s only human. Chug your drink... If there are visible tears: Logistically, there are bound to be a number of girls who didn’t get their top choice. Most girls handle it gracefully, but there are those few who just can’t hold it together as they mope towards their soon-to-be sisters. If there are girls who are too upset to even try and conceal their hurt feelings, pour one out for them…into your mouth. If you’re a senior or super-senior. They’re WAY too young for you, bro: If you’ve thrown away your fake for good, you need to go home. You

Photo Used With Permission by David Platt

were learning how to read when they were in utero, and it’s officially creepy for you to be there.

chair, a sign with your phone number on it, or a camera.

Take a shot... If you were camped out well before the event even started: You deserve immediate, serious liquor in your bloodstream if you demonstrate that much commitment to the festivities at hand. You’re dedicated to being really, really creepy, and we almost salute you for it. Take an additional shot for each of these accessories: a lawn

After two weeks of bro-flirting and Busch Light drinking without a girl in sight, you deserve to raise a glass to the end of your dry period. As you survey the new talent in Tigertown, drink to just how creepy you are and relax. Rush blowout and football are within striking distance, and like any good party, they need a solid pregame.

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page 7

The Top 10

Welcome to Clemson, Home of the Tigers!

Things you must do for the georgia game.

Do you like football, lady?

• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheep_CLEM • theblacksheeponline.com •

page 13

Bartender of the week Aly from wingin’ it doesn’t suggest backpacking in canada.


>> Table of Contents << page 6: The Things you learned from your first day of class

>> So, about that summer bod you never really got…

6

page 7: On the Streets

13

>> What late-night food did you miss most over summer?

page 10: Should I Go on Reddit?

>> Follow our flowchart to potential procrastination.

page 11: The Black Sheep’s Guide to drinking wine like a boss

>> We talk fancy with two wine experts.

page 13: The Inevitable “how was your summer?” conversation

>> We look at four people you will unfortunately run into when you get back to school.

page 14: THe Vice is Right

>> Do you know the prices of your favorite vices?

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page 15: THe Madlib

>> Meeting your roommate’s parents... hungover, of course.

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Can I please smell your genes?

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Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_CLEM #BadTimesMan

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Leeweight

Word

The vague weight a college student cites as their actual weight, knowing the number to be inaccurate.

of the

“When Eric told Melissa he weighed 170 pounds, hoping he could keep his shirt on during sex, he was giving her his shameful, shameful leeweight.”

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_CLEM First right answer wins a prize! Check Back Next Week For The Answer!

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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_CLEM and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Gay San Francisco government icon’s sweet bedtime snack. Check back next week for the answer!


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The things you learned From Your First Day Of Class

The

Top

Ten

Things You Must Do for the Georgia Game By: Claire Johnson

8:00 p.m., August 31, 2013 in Clemson, South Carolina. The #5-ranked Dawgs face off against the #8-ranked Tigers in Death Valley. Few games have been as highly anticipated as this season opener. ESPN’s College Gameday will be in Clemson bright and early to kick start the day of tailgating, drinking, and football magic—here’s to making sure you don’t miss out on any of the game day festivities. 10.) Wake up early, drink champagne: Nothing says, “It’s game day!” like a glass of bubbly in the morning. Fight off Friday night’s hangover immediately with a classy glass of champagne a la Clemson, a.k.a champagne and OJ, to start the day off right. 9.) ESPN College Gameday: That’s right folks, ESPN is coming to Clemson and you’d be downright crazy not to get your booty there at 9 a.m. to experience the ultra-fandom that is College Gameday. Paint yourself orange, put on a tiger costume...this is the ultimate opportunity to display your Clemson devotion on national television for all the world to see.

By: Dan Collins It’s the beginning of a new school year in Clemson, South Carolina, and because you had the first day fails it already feels like it’s been irreversibly ruined. Fear not, The Black Sheep is here to make sure the rest of your school days are less terrible than your first. You Need to Get in Some Semblance of Shape: While walking to class is no athletic endeavor, you can look foolish if you’re completely out of shape. You may have forgotten this over the summer, but Clemson is frustratingly hilly. Combined with the first day of school being in the throes of August and that exercise this summer consisted of running to the car to avoid the rain, that seemingly short walk to class can be a minefield of pit stains, death grips to staircase railings, and the need for a swim in the reflection pond. No one wants to be the guy whose leisurely walk to class leaves him noticeably out of breath, looking like an overworked pack horse. And as if that weren’t hazard enough, there are always the notorious backpack strap-induced sweat lines to drive home the fact that you were a lazy sack of garbage all summer. So if you find yourself winded after a briskly-walked trek up the stairs to your apartment, it’s time to get up off your ass and start using that treadmill for something besides a coat rack. Keep Your Eyes on the Road: Unlike many other campuses (Columbia), there are always things to see around Clemson, whether it be the beautiful landscape, a group of football players, or a girl in yoga pants. But as Mugatu would say, “Concentrate Derek, don’t be distracted by all the beautiful celebrities.” Failing to do so can and will lead to major embarrassment. Nothing will make me, er… a person, consider transferring schools faster than tripping over an unseen step because I, no, I mean he was too busy gawking at Sammy Watkins to look where he was going. It can be made even worse if you fall down right in front of him and all his friends

06

laugh at you. And yet, nothing is more humiliating than being caught red-handed in a lengthy stare at the ample pickins’ inside the yoga pants in front of you. So before you strap on your staring goggles, think of the consequences (notably a slap) and hope that your creepiness hasn’t caused her to drop the class you are both headed to; you want a perfectly uninterrupted set to stare at to the music of English 312. Leave Yourself Time to Get to Class Early: On the first day of classes professors will oftentimes be lenient with a student who stumbles into lecture late because he couldn’t find a building that seems to be located in an unfamiliar, not to mention hostile country. But any time after that, tardiness is “absolutely unacceptable” according to an anonymous Clemson professor, not to mention embarrassing. In addition, showing up late or even just barely on time means that you end up with the worst seat in the class. This often involves being seated next to the kid who not only smells like a rotting corpse smothered with raw sewage, but who also won’t let you cheat off of him during the midterm. Selfish bastard. With that in mind, turn off your fourth consecutive viewing of SportsCenter and head to class a couple minutes early; maybe you’ll even snag a seat next to yoga pants girl, where your feeble pickup attempt is what will be called “absolutely unacceptable,” rather than your constant tardiness. If you are able to avoid these common missteps, you’re on your way to having an embarrassment-free semester, at least until you drunkenly hit on your best friend’s 12-year-old sister on game day. And if you are not able to avoid these missteps, remember that people don’t forget and you’ll have to transfer to University of Vermont, where there are neither football players nor girls you would want to see in yoga pants. Oh, and good luck explaining away the imprint of a hand on your face.

8.) Get your tailgate on: Whether you have a coveted Friar’s spot or some rich family friends with a spot near the stadium, get tailgating early and make sure the beer is flowing. We gotta show those Georgia fans why Clemson is the best place in the South, nay, nation, to tailgate. 7.) Show the Dawgs our South Carolina hospitality: Interacting with the Dawg fans not only shows off our Clemson class and spirit, but also heats up the rivalry going into the game. Share some tailgating hospitality and break bread with fellow football enthusiasts or challenge the day’s rivals to a friendly game of corn hole. Getting to know some folks from Athens will make the victory over the Dawgs that much sweeter. 6.) Go to the Quad: Free beer, free food, music and frat boys doing frat things. It’s a rambunctious good time on the Quad, worth a midday walk through to get you in the spirit. 5.) Place your bets: In a highly-charged game like this one, gambling only makes the game more exciting. It’s a high risk, high reward situation. $300 says we win in OT and Tahj throws the game-winning pass...whatever you decide, just be sure you don’t blow all of next semester’s tuition. 4.) Jet Fuel: Every Clemson student will say no game day is complete without a couple of Jet Fuels to pump you up. Tailgating all day takes stamina, and nothing can help out a floundering fan quite like the kick of a Friar’s Jet Fuel. 3.) Start the Cadence Count: No football game or tailgate is official without several chants of the beloved Cadence Count. Expect to shout it out all day and prepare to wake up without a voice on Sunday. 2.) Go to the game: Don’t be that drunk girl passed out under the frat tent at 6 p.m. This is the season opener, against the #5-ranked team in the nation! Attendance is mandatory for anyone who calls himself a Clemson fan. 1.) Rush the field: Once we’ve showed those Dawgs what Death Valley is all about, there’s nothing left to do but rush the field and sing the Alma Mater to our boys. Go Tigers!


read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Welcome to Clemson! Home of the Tigers!

on the Streets What Late-Night Food Did You Miss Most Over Summer? nior Amy A., Ju

Do You Like Football, Lady? By: Amanda Moore College; myriad films have infected the minds of high school girls with preconceived notions of what it’s like, but anyone who has experienced time at Clemson knows that nothing can prepare you for the real deal. Universities attempt to supply incoming ladies with an abundance of resources to cushion the blow she feels upon beginning this foreign journey, orientation is designed to give her a glimpse of what she may encounter, and RAs are always willing to lend a helping hand. However, everyone conveniently leaves out information about what it truly means to be a woman at Clemson. Clothing: One word: Norts. Athletic apparel is acceptable for almost every occasion. Don’t worry, no one can tell that you slept in these clothes out of sheer laziness or that you have no intention of working out later in the day. Every shirt should bear a frocket and if you can monogram that frocket, even better. Chacos, no matter how unattractive you think they are, match any outfit and let everyone know that you are “outdoorsy,” even if only in the sense that you enjoy getting drunk on the lawn of your favorite fraternity house. Also, a girl’s closet isn’t complete without a set of cowboy boots, because clearly your dingy pair is the only logical footwear to compliment that new $300 dress. Blue Laws: Progress hasn’t spread through the entire South, leaving swaths that still breed colonial ideals. Clemson gals still have to follow Blue Laws, pesky regulations that restrict our dire alcohol needs. Stock your bar before Sunday and prepare to end your downtown escapades by midnight on Saturday. Keep in mind that most things in Clemson don’t open before 1p.m. on Sundays and liquor stores close at 7p.m., so plan your weekend wisely. Fortunately, adaptation has instilled instinctual drinking habits in women campus over that remain uninhibited at all costs. Experienced lady drinkers with worn livers can locate alcohol better than they can an Entourage sale.

“Cookout.”

unior Taylor H., J

be monogrammed-- shirts, hats, wallets, handbags, underwear that you just bought- anything. Hide your kids, hide your wives, because they monogramming everything out there (boyfriends included). It’s a time-honored tradition we Southerners have held on to: laying claim to everything we can get our hands on. We’ve slapped a classier name on an antique routine and upgraded from branding farm animals to monogramming collars for our animals. Weather: Imagine what you think the temperature will be, and then add 30 degrees. Southern heat is like no other; in no time you will be sweating more than a sinner on judgment day. Expect to simmer in a constant pool of sweat throughout the summer months or live in denial and call it your summer shine. You’re better off wearing as little clothing as possible, unless you’re willing to take multiple showers a day. If all else fails, throw on a pair of workout clothes and claim you’ve been hitting the gym. When it rains, it pours; cave in and join the rain boot fad. Trudging through a monsoon to get to your 8 a.m. is a lot more bearable when you arrive to class without being forced to change socks in front of the stud who sits next to you. And considering the recent rain in Clemson, investing in a canoe and some paddles wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

“Hide your kids, hide your wives, because they monogramming everything out there (boyfriends included). “

Football: Learn football or pretend to know it. Face it, when you go to school in the South, football comes first. Saying you don’t like football in the South is like saying you’re a terrorist in an airport. If you can’t bear to watch the game, at least make it to a tailgate and claim you’re “too drunk” to make it into the stadium. Like an Asian’s first born male son, football signifies pride and status. Whether during a casual chat with a classmate or during an awkward ride on the CAT bus, you can always bet on football being a surefire topic of conversation. When in doubt, Nuk it out. Monogramming: When it comes to monogramming, like quoting Mean Girls, the limit does not exist. If it can be monogrammed it will

The truth is once you come to the South, prepared or not, marinating in the culture of the southland changes you. Before you know it you’ll catch yourself owning more t-shirts and Lily dresses than blouses, explaining daily situations in terms of football, and reworking your schedule to accommodate your drinking needs. So, if you’re willing to accept these fundamentals of college in the South, welcome to Clemson. If you aren’t, bless your heart.

“Cookout.”

Junior Morgan C.,

“Spill the Beans.”

07


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Mondays: $3 Long Islands Monday Night Football Special: Bucket of Chicken and Fries for $15

thursday

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

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FRIday

$6 Liquor Pitchers until 8pm $1.50 Mystery Beers 10pm Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

$2.50 Fireball Shots Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Sex on the Beach, $3 Blue Motorcycles

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Trivia at 8pm! (No trivia on home football games)

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All food specials start at 4 pm $1 Beef, Blackened Chicken or Pulled Pork Tacos, $3.00 Nachos & Cheese, $5.00 Loaded Nachos (Add chicken, beef or pork for $1.00), $1.50 for 7oz Coronitas or a Bucket of 8 for $9.50

$3 Long Islands Monday Night Football Special: Bucket of Chicken and Fries for $15

tuesday

Tourney Tuesday 10pm Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

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$3 Red Stag, $3 Captain Morgan

wednesday

Follow us on Twitter! @CUHangover Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

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$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

thursday

Monday: $6 Weekly Special 104.9 will be in the house for a Radio Show!

SPECIAL NIGHT


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The Black Sheep’s Guide to Drinking Wine Like A Boss Hey reader, what’s in your stash of booze, like, right now? We bet it’s something like 6 beers that once came in a 30-pack, half a plastic bottle of something that smells like rubbing alcohol’s shotgun shack cousin, and maybe if you’re really lucky, a half-bag of something reminiscent of “wine.” This is the year you said you were going to do things up right, keep it classy, but you don’t know where to begin. Well, how about with a nice (glass) bottle of wine?

TBS: When getting introduced to “good” wine, how would a college student on a budget go from a Tour De Franzia to a nice bottle of wine with dinner? Blake: First, stay away from the mainstream publications and seek out a local, passionate wine guy. The big guys are going to be wooed by the money and others’ agendas. This local guy can find you something that was like the chardonnay you had at your mom’s house that you liked, and he can introduce you to new wines you might like as well. Build a relationship with someone; if it’s a buck more, who cares? You get that value in a different way when he can show you lesser-known wines that are great values. Also, go to wine tastings. There are websites that’ll show you when and where they are. Go with a group of friends and just try different things. It’s inexpensive and it’s an experience.

The Black Sheep is here to help. We sat down with two wine professionals to ask them how to integrate sweet, sweet wine into both the college lifestyle and budget. Blake Krynicky is a former chef and consultant now working for Fetzer Vineyards, one of the first sustainable vineyards in California. Bryan Cass is the son of the founder of Cass Vineyards and holds a master’s degree in wine business, which makes us insanely jealous. By: Brendan

Or, just get a group of people to chip in and have a night where you go, “everyone bring a French white wine under ten bucks.” TBS: How is Franzia different from stuff that comes in a bottle? Bryan: The cheap stuff, they don’t use oak barrels, even for red wine. That’s important for making a complex wine, not just fermented grapes. The quality of the grapes is worse, too. A lot of the cheap stuff is made with Grenache, which you can get 10 to 15 tons an acre, but there’s so many grapes that the actual plant has an issue with making grapes of good quality. TBS: Is there a rule of thumb when it comes to wine price points? Blake: There are great wines available for under $20. Even at $15. From $10 to $15, you’ll also find some really good wine. Once you’re sinking under $6 for a bottle you’ve got to be careful. There’s some decent wines out there under that price, but wine’s the most expensive of beer, wine and spirits to produce, so you know they have to cut corners somewhere. $6 to $10 is a great price range to explore when on a budget. Bryan: Nowadays there’s a lot of good stuff that’s $10 to $15, and it’s stuff that’s available at a supermarket. A bottle of wine is about 6 beers in terms of alcohol content, so if you think of cost that way, it’s a decent rule of thumb. A pretty good bottle of wine is about the price of a good 6-pack. TBS: Are there varieties or styles of wine that are generally better at that lower price point? Blake: Certain wines are more expensive to produce. For example, you’re not going to get the same quality in a sub-$10 pinot noir that you will in a cabernet sauvignon because it’s more difficult to cultivate. Imports, like Argentinean wine or Chilean wine, with basics like chardonnay or cabernet, you can do well. TBS: How does region affect wine? Bryan: Typically people break down wines into “old world” wines and “new world wines.” Old world would be Europe, and new world

wines are from everywhere else. New world wines tend to be a little fruitier than old world wines and maybe are a little more approachable flavor-wise for a new drinker. TBS: How do a grape’s origins affect how the wine tastes? Blake: It has a huge effect on the grape. The same grapes grown in different countries—or even different microclimates—will taste different. Wine grapes can taste like a million different things. It’ll exhibit differences if grown in volcanic soil or a mountain valley. Malbecs are popular now, and it’s very easy to tell the differences between them. TBS: Anything to consider when pairing food with wine? Bryan: White wines with no oak and no sugar go really good with spicy food, like Thai or Mexican. Lighter reds are better with pork and turkey and ham. Darker reds are good with more robust meats like beef or lamb. I mean, going on Google and looking for wine pairings is really helpful. Blake: Wines made in certain styles are better with food as opposed to cocktailing. Wines with balance go better with food, while wines that have enhanced aspects are better standing on their own. Some big cabernets are fun to drink, but then you try it with food and it’ll be overpowering. Some zinfandels are very fruit-forward with high alcohol, they’ll be fun to cocktail with, but they won’t work well with food. TBS: What’s the best way to research wine? Blake: Talk to people who know more than you, but be careful. How are they presenting this information? They shouldn’t tell you what you should like, they should suggest based on the information you provide them. Bryan: Online information is pretty accurate; I trust a lot of the websites out there. TBS: What would you tell someone who claims they just don’t like wine? Blake: It’s an acquired taste, and those tastes change. I will eventually find something you like, there’s so many wines out there, there’s going to be one the person will enjoy. So, next time you think of pairing a forty of Olde English 800 with that Easy Mac and taco shell dinner, don’t. Grab a bottle of wine and be classy with your taco shell self.


Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single

into my bank account and use it for food.

Major: Graphic Communications

Five words on Clemson’s upcoming season?: Excited, winning, Tajh, beat USC.

Favorite Drink: Dragonberry, water with a splash of sour Favorite Shot: Gobstopper Disgusting Drink: Prairie Fire What was the best, worst thing you did this summer?: Lived in Atlanta, but leaving to go backpacking in Canada. Who or what are you most excited to see back on campus?: All my regulars to come back to Wingin’ It. What’s the first thing you’re doing to a freshman?: Introduce them to the Wingin’ It Wing Challenge. They’ll cry.

Aly of Wingin’ It

What are you actually going to do with your parents’ textbook money?: I’ll probably put it

What’s your best bit of tailgating advice for freshmen?: Make friends with someone who has a nice set up and a big TV. How long can the average student hold out before skipping their first class?: A day! What was your summer anthem?: “Wake Me Up” by Avicii. Do you want to have a tickle fight?: No way! I hate that. When does winter break start?: Right before Thanksgiving. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s not your typical Clemson stuff. It’s a unique college paper!

Recipe for disaster Back to School Burgers Now that you’re finally back on campus, it’s time to start being an adult again by grocery shopping and making your own food. Since the weather is still nice for a while, here’s a quick dinner recipe that is yummy, simple and great for the grill. What You’ll Need: Hamburger patties and buns, your favorite burger fixings (cheese, lettuce, onions, tomatoes), cans of Keystone, and French fries or hash browns. Cook Time: About 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: You could always use veggie burgers, but that’s no fun. Let’s Get Baked: - Heat up the grill (most likely the mini George Foreman on your counter, amirite?). - If you’re making hash browns, put a skillet on the stove with a little oil and dump ‘em in. - Turn the burner up to medium. - Toss your burger patty on the grill and let it cook for a few minutes. - We suggest toasting your burger bun and laying on a slice of cheese while it’s still warm. - While your burger cooks, crack open a Keystone (take a sip, you know you want to) and pour a little bit over your burger. - After the suds soak in, flip the burger and pour a little more on the other side. - Keep repeating this until the burger is cooked to your liking. - Slip the patty off the grill and onto the bun. - Dump on your French fries or turn off your stove and add the hash browns. - Add the rest of your toppings, crack open another beer and you’re done! The perfect precursor to your first night out back on campus.

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The Inevitable “How was your summer?” Conversation By: The Black Sheep Everyone’s least favorite part about coming back to school is the unwritten requirement to ask people (whether you actually talk to them or just recognize their face), “How was your summer?” You just have to. And if you don’t, you’re a dick. Because why wouldn’t you want to know how Katie’s two months in Cabo were? Or how beautiful the view was when Lauren biked over the Brooklyn Bridge on the way to her internship at InStyle? You know it’s coming, and it’s going to be terrible. So to help you out with this year’s forced exchange of summer reminiscence, here are four people you will unfortunately run into when you get back to school, and how to deal with them. The “Gym Rat”: To be frank, don’t even bother with this guy because he doesn’t have one interesting story in that steroid-induced bulbous head of his. He’s gonna tell you how he started dead-lifting 365, how working construction was “the best thing that’s ever happened to him,” and how he sides with A-Rod on the whole HGH scandal. If you get cornered by The Gym Rat, make sure to thank him for the eight-second iPhone videos of him on Facebook pushing around a tire in an abandoned parking lot while his moron of a friend screams “Fuel to the fire, keep it burning!” Then walk away, because he could crush your normal-sized head with just his thumb and pointer finger. Question he’ll ask you: “Do you even lift bro?” (But seriously.) The “Yeah I Didn’t Do Much” Dude: This guy will make you feel infinitely better about yourself, so stick around just to hear how painfully boring his three months off were. He worked the checkout lane once a week at Home Depot, spent mornings and afternoons inside either playing Starcraft II or reading fan fiction on Starcraft II, and huddled around a

bonfire in 92-degree heat, splitting a 12-er of Busch Light with his buddy Stephen on the weekends. Before this conversation, you wouldn’t have even believed you could waste a summer like this guy has. Question he’ll ask you: “You don’t think they have an Xbox at this party, do you?” The “I Was Abroad!” Girl: Holy shit man, this girl is the worst. Get out as fast as you can with this one. The girl who went abroad this summer is only talking to you in order to point out that you didn't go abroad this summer. Her only goal is to make you feel like a worthless peasant who chose to stay in the United States when you totally could have gone on gondola rides in Venice and Vespa tours in Paris or wherever the hell she went. She actually didn’t even learn anything or appreciate the culture while she was there, but she totally had Instagram aimed and ready to go at all times and saw all of Europe through her shitty 5-megapixel camera. But it’s okay, because now she has 40 more followers than she did a few months ago, 10 less than the amount of hashtags she uses on each picture. Question she’ll ask you: “Wait you didn’t go abroad, did you? Okay good.” The “New York Internship” Girl: How is this girl not broke and homeless? From what we know, New York apartments cost about $1,200 a month for a closet-sized room, and Glamour Magazine pays their interns in last season’s scarves. But three minutes into the conversation you’ll learn that her parents “helped her out a little,” and she “basically lived on pizza and Barefoot pinot grigio.” Ignoring her modesty and all-around glitzy aura, you’ll quickly realize that she genuinely thinks she is exponentially better than you, and she has her NYC Subway pass to prove it. She’ll bore your ear off about how “New York is so much different than Columbia,” when it’s the same damn thing, except people are just a little snobbier and instead

of the alleyways, it’s the streets that smell like garbage. Nevertheless, you will feel jealous, but that’s natural. Not for the reasons she thinks you should be, like seeing Penn Badgley skateboarding in SoHo, but because her future looks incredibly promising while yours looks more and more like Amanda Bynes’. Question she’ll ask you: “Do you watch Girls? No? How about Sex and the City? Oh, because we ate lunch at the place where they shot that one scene...” Just avoid people as much as possible the first few days, and if you do accidentally run into someone you don’t wish to speak to, have a lot of “Gotta go, bye” excuses ready in your arsenal. However if you do get stuck in an unfortunate situation, just lie your ass off and hope your made-up summer makes them just as jealous and annoyed.

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Hi there and welcome to The Vice is Right! I’m your host, Brew Carey, here today with another exciting game for you, contestant. In front of you there are eight listed prices, each with two items beside the price. One of these items is good, something your parents would be happy to see you spend their money on. The other is the vice item, purchasing this would make them question why they’re paying for you to go to Brew U. Now here’s the tricky part, you have to guess which item’s price, according to Amazon, is actually listed. If you get them all right you’ll win a spot in our Bro-case Hoedown! Check your answers at the bottom of the page, and good luck on The Vice is Right!

Pens • Condoms • Hard Drive • Ramen • TV • Detergent • Kiddie Pool • Underwear

Answer Key (Correct Item Listed):


madlib

Meeting Your roommate’s parents

Well we tried to be responsible, but like most things at

___1___, drinking just sort of happened. We were only going to have a glass of ___2___ (on the rocks, of course), sit on the porch and listen to ___3___ and chat about ___4___’s weight gain, because GROSS.

and throw a party. Only ___13___ showed up, but that second keg was necessary. Hobo ___14___ showed up and he brought ___15___ for us. Tom from ___16___ came by and even did a ___17___-second keg stand! I got my ass kicked in ___18___ by ___19___, who ended up passing out on our couch.

But then we saw ___5___ walk by with a ___6___ in her hand, and she decided to sit down with us and have a drink. When we started to get tipsy, my roommate went inside to get ___7___ to sober us up… but came out with her ___8___ shot glasses she smuggled from ___9___ on her “___10___” study abroad trip and a bottle of ___11___ vodka.

Overall it was a very successful night, but when my roommate’s parents showed up, she wasn’t even here. Luckily they were chill with eating cold leftover pizza and sipping on last night’s leftover keg. Mr. ___20___ can sure put them back! When my roommate came back she reeked of ___21___ and looked like ___22___’s little sister. They then all left and went to the bar. Then ___23___ got it on in the kitchen! Such a ___24___ After that was killed, the next natural step was to get a keg of ___12___ time! 1: Your university 2: Liquor 3: 90s pop star 4: Recent celebrity 5: Wacky friend 6: Malt liquor 7: Type of lunch meat

8: Body part 9: Sketchy country 10: Overused synonym for good 11: Exotic fruit 12: Shitty beer 13: The current time

Meet The Staff campus manager Rebecka Talley

campus director Brendan Bonham

Editorial manager Courtney Paul

owner Atish Doshi

Advertising Managers Zach Silverman, Payton Shiver

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

Writers Amanda Moore, Dan Collins Claire Johnson, Amanda Hoefer Social media manager Courtney Merlo Marketing TEAM Michelle Dubiel

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

14: Average dude’s name 15: Drug 16: Local pizza place 17: Your birthday 18: Drinking game 19: Local athletic celebrity

20: Your roommate’s last name 21: Men’s cologne 22: Trashy celebrity 23: Same as #19 24: Same as #10

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622

Corporate: 217.390-1747 • Advertising: 608.712.0900

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome Back, Students!

Clemson, Issue 1, 8/22/13  

Clemson, Issue 1, 8/22/13

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