Clemson - Issue 1 - 1/24/13

The Black Sheep

FR EE ... dr like in k r that ig ht hal ...t f d here ra nk !

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_clem

Volume 4, Issue 1 • 1/24/13 - 1/30/13

what to you can’t find a (real) job do when blake miller wrote this

For the past four years you’ve done nothing but pretend to study while living the good life. You pretended to spend so many nights in the library that your classmates called you “Cooper,” but you actually partied so much your friends nicknamed you “Dipshit Dropout.” Then, before you know it, it’s over, and the emotional (and sometimes physical) pains of graduation finally start to set in. While many of your peers currently have jobs waiting for them once they exit this university, you’ve looked no further than hurriedly walking across that stage in your cap and gown like a hobo eyeing a Lunchable laying in the middle of a street. Then, as soon as that diploma smacks the palm of your hand, reality hits - wait a minute, what are you supposed to do now?

In this day’s economy, a job opportunity right out of college isn’t the surefire thing you hoped it was when you were applying for student loans a couple semesters ago. But if you haven’t landed that job offer yet, don’t worry. We’re here to put the fun in funemployment, one forced pun at a time! Here’s a list of things you can do besides growing up or accepting responsibility. You know, lame stuff like that.

Consider Becoming a Bum: Before you start putting on your judging pants, Judy, hear us out for a second. Haven’t we all gone a couple days in a row without showering before? And don’t we all have an affinity for sleeping in public places? Well, ladies and gentlemen, guess what bums get to do all day? If you guessed not shower and sleep in public places, then you’re right! You should add deductive reasoning to that sparse resume. Plus, bums get to live wherever they want! Want to live at the beach but can’t afford that condo? Screw it, camp on the sand! You’ve got a better view than any of your friends with “jobs” and “career goals,” and if that not-showering thing starts to bum (ha ha) you out, the ocean will take care of that for you, for free! It’s time to hop on the bum bandwagon now before all that beachfront property is gone.

Move Back in With Your Parents: Notice this option is listed after becoming a bum. That’s because most college students would rather live on the streets than move back in with mom and dad after living with friends for the past four years. However, the streets can’t provide you with home cooked meals and Showtime. Plus, your mom and dad still love you and will welcome you with open arms even after you’ve cost them a ton of money. The creepy bum a couple piers down might welcome you with open arms too, but that’s not the kind of love we’re talking about here.

Bar Star’s Manifesto Every man’s gots to have a code...

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Make a Sex Tape: Hey, it worked for Kim Kardashian.

Work Multiple Minimum-Wage Part-Time Jobs: The feel-good hit of the (insert season here) follows the same tried and true trope: Down-and-out hard luck loser working a bunch of high-stress, lowpaying jobs just to make rent stumbles upon a person/lock of hair/ garbage bag/talking rat that slowly pulls them out of their slump and into a life of glitz and glamour. Well, the talking lock of hair doesn’t talk to the rich guy, does it? Of course not, one has to be poor first. So, get that day job as a garbage man and pair it

what'’s inside

with your night gig as a mortician’s aid, soon enough someone - or something - magical will be along to cast you free of the dregs of society.

In no time at all your peers will be rocking fancy ties or business pumps, working frantically between overeating to ease the pain of the working world. To that we say one thing: Pish-posh! There’s a better way (or four) to make sure life after college is better than life in it!

the 2012 chick-fil-a bowl: memories of an amazing night

bartender of the week

only one tiger could reign supreme!

Shenise from nick’s tavern gets a lot of phone numbers at work; sadly, none of them are from Phil Collins.

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contents page 5: dr. fakelove Or, how i learned to stop caring and fake having a girlfriend.

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 6: top 10 things to do when you have the flu Of course you don’t have to do anything, since you have a great excuse now.

Table of

pages 7: from the streets What’s the one think you’re most excited about this semester?

page 11: we interview: bear in heaven Our chat with the Brooklyn band got kind of deep, then jet skiing with Michelle Obama came up.

page 13: The iBieber Has Achieved Total Control

#Cut4Bieber was the second to last step in Steve Jobs’s plans.

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Sexy Anagrams

! k e e W e h t f o c i P

When it’s crappy outside, might as well have a pool party inside!

(Want to become famous next week?)

Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Reality Ash

VALE AIM DEN

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

word of the week Highrant:

A person who is like, really stingy with letting someone borrow a bowl, man.

“Pat, don’t be such a highrant, I just need to smoke a little so I can catch some z’s tonight, dude.”

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The Bar Star’s Manifesto

Thomas Stewart wrote this

So you wanna be a Bar Star? Well grab your snapback and hold the hell onto it because you’re about to get a crash course in being a Boss-HogAlpha-Male-Snatch-Wrangler. Follow this guide and you’ll be King of Loose Change in no time. That’s right, welcome to the big leagues, bro.

First, make sure you’re looking like a boss. Does your Affliction t-shirt have at least eight skulls floating around some SICK barbed wire iron crucifix on it? Check. Do your $300 blue jeans inexplicably have fleur-delis on the butt pockets? Chickety-check. White Pumas for the gentleman who refuses to compromise, and demands a shoe that screams both style and androgyny? Check and mate! Now, have you used an entire bottle of gel to make your hair into a unicorn horn? Oh, you better believe that’s a check!

Now that you look like a million bucks, it’s time to spend that much at the bar. A true Bar Star drinks nothing but top shelf liquor. No way would a baaawse like Ricky Rozay lead you wrong. Plus, if there’s any honeys around it’s important to really shout the top shelf part because, you know, chicks love that ca-lassy shit.

This next one goes without saying: order shots. You secretly think alcohol tastes icky, and shots get it down the hatch pronto, Tonto.

Take that shot and let everyone know you’re counting down the days until Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy is back by making a face so uncomfortable it’s like a shirtless Steve Buscemi just hugged you from behind. But don’t chase it, only weak women chase things. Then, slam that glass down and roar like you’re Mufasa on Pride Rock, you big beautiful lion.

Roaring is key. It intimidates the lesser men (i.e. everyone) and lets the broads know you mean business, loud and over-compensating business.

For good measure, scream out something cool that will make everyone like and respect you, like “Turnt up!” (in a 2 Chainz voice, naturally).

At this point someone might throw a bottle at your head saying, “It’s one in the afternoon on a Wednesday. Shut up, spazz.” Don’t let it stop you; brush off the haters and shine on like the bedazzles on your shirt, you crazy little diamond; they’re just threatened by your steez.

Speaking of steez, having the right attitude is important if you want to be the big dog. Having a conversation isn’t cool -- a bunch of blow and wearing Oakleys indoors is cool. Cut out that lame getting to know people stuff and stick to leaning against the bar shouting out random onomatopoeias, “Boom blakow!” is a personal favorite.

Now, if some jabroni eyeballs you the wrong way, or you run out of onomatopoeias, simply start a fight. If there’s one thing that establishes Bar Stardom and gets ladies falling all over you it’s getting your Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out on over some real petty stuff. It’ll show the bitties you’re even more spontaneous, dangerous, and exciting than your barbed wire tat already leads on.

This should also go without saying, but when you’re looking for some mouth-breather cruising for a bruising make sure he is much smaller than you and cannot defend himself. If this joker’s big and scary, then avoid actually fighting and just shout, “Hold me back!” a lot to your party posse. Then after the chump walks away you can all safely call him a pussy. Yeah, you know the drill.

“But why’s a boozing, babe-slaying pirate king like yourself sharing all your secrets?” you’re surely asking yourself in a less masculine voice than mine. Well, maybe I’m getting sentimental about my legacy in my

FRIDAY IS LADIE’S NIGHT!

ninth year of college, maybe my liver has finally quit on me, or maybe I’m just not allowed in the majority of Clemson bars anymore. They say they’ll take me out back and beat me with a tube sock full of pennies, but I can fend off like, eight of those bitches.

My reasons aren’t important. What is important is that you go be the Bar Star this city needs. Wherever a butt is creepily pinched, you’ll be there. Wherever someone takes a bump off a filthy toilet seat in a bar, you’ll be there. Wherever someone is throwing up inside a bar but denies it immediately after and keeps violently dancing, you’ll be there.

Godspeed, dawg.

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Dr. Fakelove, or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Fake Having a Girlfriend black sheep staff wrote this So, life has you down? Classes a grind? Depressed because you can’t figure out where Cookout is located? It’s going to be okay, if only your friends would stop asking you when you’re going to get a girlfriend or boyfriend! Maybe you don’t want one -- you’re a big beautiful truck who don’t need no man.

But shit, people are really persistent when it comes to this sort of thing. They start to ask questions, like, “Why did you get two burritos if you’re just going home alone?” (that question answers itself, doesn’t it?) or, “Do you do anything besides run a Madden franchise and write comedy articles?” (the Dolphins aren’t going to lead themselves out of mediocrity). Well, enough is enough.

The Black Sheep has dug through the middle school playbook and found the perfect solution: you’re going to invent a signifcant other.

“But The Black Sheep,” you begin. Let us interject; it’s Dr. The Black Sheep. We did not get our doctorate in comedy to be addressed as “The Black Sheep.”

“But Dr. The Black Sheep, isn’t it dangerous to have a fake boo? Notre Dame just had a big scandal with Manti Te’o!” To that we say, eh, maybe. The thing you have to keep in mind is that you’re not a star linebacker at the largest football program in the country. You are not a blip on anyone’s radar. If the world were VCU, your significance as an individual would be about equal to those fliers for dubstep shows that get passed around in the Compass. Plus, we’re not going to make the mistakes that those Fighting Irish scrubs did.

First, no high profile schools for your fake ladyfriend or boytoy. Stanford? Easily verified, has a significant alumni pool, maybe overly ambitious (seriously, you’re you, why would anyone who got into a good school want to be your internet date?). Nothing doing there, shoot for something more obscure, but believable. It should be reasonably far away to explain why they don’t visit, intriguing enough to spin a story around, and common enough to where people don’t poke around too much. For the sake of this article, let’s pretend your fake hook-up goes to… Wyoming. It helps to know about the university that you’re

pretending to date someone from, so Wyoming’s mascot is the Cowboys, it’s located in Laramie, and Dick Cheney went to school there. This should be enough to keep anyone from thinking it’s just something that you made up.

“Your girlfriend goes to Wyoming?” “Yep, she’s a big Cowboys fan and Dick Cheney went there!” “Fair enough, I totally believe she exists!” *high five*.

Second, no fake social media accounts. One, you’d have to interact with it, which is just depressing. It’s the technological equivalent of practicing kissing with your pillow (Ed. note: As the staff consists solely of sexhavers, we cannot confirm whether or not people still kiss their pillows). Two, it leads to questions: “Why did this social media account just come into existence? Why don’t they have a lot of friends? Why are all of their profile pics airbrushed or just stock images of flowers?” Remember, you created a fake girlfriend or boyfriend to avoid answering questions about your personal life; the last thing you want to do is talk about someone else’s life, especially when they don’t exist in the first place. If anyone questions why the ethereal hookup has no social media presence, explain that they’re pretty much the biggest hipster you know, which is why they’re going to Wyoming. It’s ironic. Keep everything simple and you won’t have to juggle lies.

Third, have an exit strategy. You can milk the long-distance-fake-partner for about three months, but then you gotta ditch that fake bitch. You’ll be given about a month of grieving time after that by the people around you. You won’t actually be sad, but fake it. It’ll make the whole thing believable, and people like to feel like they’ve given you some sort of unconditional support.

You may wonder, “Why three months?” Well, that’s about the time you’ll have before people start asking, “So when is he/she going to visit?” Tell people you have Skype dates to keep in touch, and use this time to take up a hobby, like woodworking, or ball handling (in hopes of walking onto the Rams next season) (Ed. note: It’s much easier to walk on as a shooter than a point guard,

everyone needs a guy who can stand in the corner and make threes). Eventually, what you’re going to want to do is have one of these Skype dates “go wrong” (do not practice your hobby that night, you don’t want to explain to people why you have a whittling kit out in your apartment) and then call a friend, distraught over your long-distance relationship. Your friend may smugly reassure you that it was a bad idea to ever get involved with someone over the internet, especially long distance; this is good, because they will be too busy patting themselves on the back to examine anything too closely.

If it all goes smoothly, people might even recognize that yes, you are a human being capable of having human feelings for another human, and therefore not feel the need to worry about your sex life! Sure, it might seem like a lot of work for a few months without people bugging you about your significant other, but you can’t put a price on peace of mind.

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The

Top 10

theblacksheeponline.com

things to do when you have the flu

Just when you thought that hangover you had last week after a rough night of partying was bad, the flu sneaks up and Jackie Chans your ass into next week. We hear it from just about everyone; our moms, our professors, our managers…“Wash your hands with soap and water.

You don’t want to catch the flu!” It’s a shame we didn’t Lysol and disinfect every square inch of our living spaces, because now it’s bed rest until we can actually get up without vomiting everywhere.

chick-fil-a bowl 2012:

memories of an amazing night Dustin Bertelsen wrote this The Clemson faithful all know the Clemson football team was invited to the 2012 Chickfil-A bowl this past season, where our Clemson Tigers faced the LSU Tigers in one of the most highly anticipated non-BCS matchups of the whole bowl season. Having attended it myself, it sure was an experience.

It was only fitting that Clemson would open the season with a win over another “tigers” team in Atlanta, cruising past Auburn 26 -19, and end the season with a tight win over another formidable “tigers” squad, LSU. The great thing about this win was how the sports world, who tends to have this obsessive love affair with all of the SEC, gave Clemson little chance, expecting LSU to run our beloved kitty cats off the field. To David Pollack and the rest of the ESPN crew that doubted Clemson, a big affectionate “Go f*** yourself!” is coming from the student section of Memorial Stadium.

And while the game was fun to watch, the best case study in fandom occurs when forced to partake in just one bowl game with LSU fans. LSU fans are louder, drunker, and more obnoxious than the worst Gamecocks fan.

These folks look like they’re straight out of Duck Dynasty or Swamp People. They can barely be understood, as they don’t speak a real language (Cajun French shouldn’t even be considered a language). The Bayou Bengal faithful only have a few cheers they actually use, which include the bastardized French “Geaux Tigers,” which was idiotic given that LSU was playing another “tigers” team. Otherwise, prepare yourself for 25,000

morons chanting only “L-S-U” with the heavy Southern drawl that would make even a South Carolinian cringe.

While the fans were obnoxious, even more annoying was the scoreboard, dominated by LSU for most of the game. In the waning moments of the game Clemson had come within 2 points, but LSU had the ball and was supposed to run the clock out. However, LSU’s Mad Hatter, Les Miles, couldn’t stop. He decided to throw three times with a quarterback best described as, “meh,” stopping the clock and eventually giving the ball back to Clemson to win the game. Judging by the LSU fans’ reactions, this is typical of Les Miles and had been plaguing LSU all season. Oh well, sucks to be them.

The game came down to a 4th and 16 play, in which Clemson quarterback Tajh Boyd connected on a pass to DeAndre “Nuk” Hopkins, setting up Clemson for the game-winning field goal by Chandler Catanzaro. Because of this drive, Catanzaro, Boyd, and Hopkins will have statues of them erected in Death Valley, post-haste. Even better, they’re going to get laid like, all of the time.

Winning this game should give Clemson the exclusive rights to the “Death Valley” moniker for their stadium. Sorry, you god-awful fans with your faux tiger chants. Clemson carries a lot of momentum going into the 2013 season. Hey, maybe next year we can be the team that gets embarrassed by Alabama in the National Championship. A Clemson fan could only hope.

10.) Become familiar with your new best friend…soup: Chicken noodle soup with a Coke on the side. If you ain’t got any, then be sure to hit up the closest BiLo and BOGO like your life depends on it. Not only is this one of the only things you’ll be able to keep down, but it’s useless eating other foods; your lack of taste buds will just make them taste like paper, anyway.

9.) Load up on the vitamin C: No need to waste booze money on a real doctor, they all give the same advice, anyway: Lots of vitamin C, plenty of sleep, and some Advil to keep your temperature down. Even though you’re sick, vitamin C goes great with vodka, so mix up those screwdrivers and you’ll start feeling better in no time.

8.) Make your bed into a fort of pillows and blankets: Let’s face it, we’re all kids at heart. What better way to stay in bed than to build a ginormous fort that protects you from the cruel world just outside your door? This is a great way to get in touch with your inner self, and to really remember what it’s like to be a careless kid whose only worry is what to bring for show-and-tell.

7.) Watch every reality show there is: Okay, so we all say we don’t watch those ridiculous reality shows like Jersey Shore or Real Housewives, but deep down inside it’s our secret pleasure. What better way to feel better about yourself than to watch morons fighting over who took a crap in the toilet and didn’t flush it?

6.) Catch up on some Facebook creepin’: Facebook creeping is a daily task that many of us don’t even realize we’re doing. One day, someone will be talking about their new puppy, and you realize the only reason you know they have a new puppy is because you Facebook stalked the shit out of their page the night before. It gets tough keeping up with everyone and all of their drama when you have homework to do, but now that you’re quarantined to your germy room, it’s a great time to get the latest dirt on all those friends you love to hate.

5.) Cough all over everything: Hey, look at it as if you’re doing the world a favor. Now that you’re infecting everyone with your germs, they don’t have to waste money on a flu shot or living in fear of becoming the flu’s next victim. It’s common courtesy to cover your mouth, but why bother when someone infected you by doing just that in the first place? Who said anything about being considerate? It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and we’re just living in it.

4.) Use “I have the flu” as an excuse for everything: You have to admit, having the flu is a great excuse for just about anything: going to class, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, spending time with your significant other, even going to work. For the most part, it’s a great excuse to get out of shit you don’t want to do.

3.) Watch YouTube videos of cats: Seriously, who doesn’t like watching cats do funny stuff? Their just so stinking cute when they chase around pink ribbon or chase a dog into a sliding glass door.

These videos are easy to find and great to post on other’s Facebook walls, showcasing your major obsession with all things cats.

2.) Overdose on NyQuil: Lil Wayne’s on that purple drank, why aren’t you? No, but really, the best way to forget you’re sick is to pretend like your partying hard and take as many shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, (errrrrrbody) of NyQuil that you can. The best part is that you sleep through the night and have awesome dreams of flying high through the sky on a broom with Harry Potter in a Quidditch tournament.

1.) Use these days not as sick days, but vacation days: The start of the new semester is always the worst, and as the pile of homework keeps getting bigger, we dream about the white beaches and spring break hookups in March. The flu could be looked at in two ways: Sick days or Vacation days.

We say, welcome to Spring break part 1! Don’t mope around and complain about being sick. Look at the flu as a great time to catch up on some much needed sleep before midterms, and an even better reason to skip classes due to “not wanting to infect people.”

nicole germany wrote this

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What's the one thing you’'re most excited for this new semester?

“Since I’m graduating in December, I’m excited about this not being my last semester at Clemson like many people I know.” - Pierre T., Senior

“This semester I am most excited for getting my grades back up and meeting a lot of new people, whether it be at classes or awesome parties.”

- Matthew M., Freshman

“I’m most excited for finally getting into classes I wanted and need.” - Heather F., Sophomore

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thursday 1/24

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College night! $2 Drink Specials $0.25 Rolling Rock No Cover w/ College ID

32oz Thursday! $5 32oz Margarita (Regular, Peach, Melon)

FRIday 1/25

$6 Pitchers $1.50 Mystery Beer $2.00 Mystery Mini Bottle

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OVERTIME

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bartender of the week shenise t. nick's tavern and deli Relationship status: Taken Favorite Drink: Gin and tonic Favorite Shot: Breakfast shot (Jameson, butterscotch, orange juice) Worst Drink: Jägermeister What celebrity or celebrities should just quit while they’re ahead: The Kardashians

Funniest thing you’ve heard as a bartender: Well since we only serve beer, people will come in and order a shot and we’ll tell them we don’t serve liquor. Once after that, someone tried to order a shot of Jägermeister.

If you could have a superpower what would it be: Teleportation What’s your guilty pleasure: Phil Collins

Worst pickup line: A piece of paper with a line drawn on it, “You picked it up so you have to give me your number.”

What’s the worst thing you’ve seen a roommate do: Throw up on my bed when they were drunk.

Favorite Disney Movie: Up

On average, how many guys ask for your number on the weekend: On average, 50. Of those 50, only 2 are actually good looking.

If you could meet a historical figure, who would it be: James Brown, the singer. We could party together.

Tattoos or piercings: Yes, both.

the drinking game:

recipe for disaster:

Tits and beer! Can you think of a better combination? This game will now give you an excuse to check out some boobs without having to worry about looking like a creep, all while getting drunk. Sounds like a win-win to us.

You might hear a lot of talk about chips being drunk food, but that does not have to be the case. With a little ingenuity and elbow-grease, chips can be utilized to create a cheap and delicious main course for any drunken occasion.

What You’ll Need: 13 cups, beer pong table, 2 ping pong balls Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: Depends on the size of your tits, and how well you can use them.

What You’ll Need: Chips of many kind, cheese, sour cream, beef, and anything else you would like to add.

Cook Time: 20 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Depends on if you include Cool Ranch Doritos or not.

tits

How to Play: - Divide the players up into two teams of two players.

- Each team sets up on either with players on opposite corners of the table. For example, Team A would have one player on the right near corner of the table, and one player on the far left corner of the table.

- In front of each player is a three-cup pyramid. Place a cup filled with beer in the center of the table.

- In order to sink a cup, a team member must bounce the ball once on the table, bounce off the tits or chest of the other teammate, and fall in one of the three cups.

- When this happens the opponent on the same side must drink the sunk cup and “flip cup” it before s/he may shoot again.

- When a team no longer has any of their opponents’ cups in front of them, they may shoot for the middle cup.

- A team can only win when they double bounce the ping pong ball into the middle cup.

- The losing team then has to drink the final cup.

Next time you’re with some girls or guys and you want an excuse to check out or be checked out, this game is a winner! Just make sure to compliment the girl on her skills; girls love the compliment.

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chip explosion

Directions: - Begin by cooking up some beef on the stove. You can use any meat you want, but we’ll go with beef. “B” is for beginners.

- While the beef is cooking, take all of your different kinds of chips and place them into a bowl.

- Sprinkle cheese onto the chips and place it in the microwave for 2 minutes.

- After ensuring that the cheese is melted, pour the beef into the bowl and add sour cream.

- Add any other food you want into your very own chip casserole.

The secret to making this dish extra good is to buy as many different kinds of chips as possible. With Martin Luther King, Jr. Day just behind us, remember that diversity is the key!

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

we interview:

bear in heaven

Brooklyn-based band Bear in Heaven has a sound that you can’t quite put your finger on. A bit of rock and a bit of electronic noise with a psychedelic undertone gives these guys a totally unique sound. Their music might not be so easily definable, but when we got to chat with head honcho Jon Philpot, it was clear that cool dudes make cool music. We go to chat with Philpot about a whole range of things, from the meaning of the band name to ridin’ jet skis. You know it’s a good chat when jet skiing comes up.

The Black Sheep: How’d you get started playing music?

Jon Philpot: I went to college and bought a guitar and basically it just went from there, I just kept playing music. I didn’t know what I was doing, and then I started making noise music and trance, and then went into more normal music. I played piano when I was a little kid but I hated it. I hate piano lessons, like having to learn something. Kids were outside playing and you were inside trying to play this stupid song that you didn’t like.

TBS: You never get to play cool songs during piano lessons.

JP: Yeah! I wanted to learn, like, Prince songs, or something like that.

TBS: Where’d you grow up?

JP: I grew up in Marietta, Georgia. It was good, it was peaceful. There were trees and creeks and dirt bike jumps and that kind of shit. But living there, you hit a wall, and you want to be a punk-rock kid and you just look like an idiot because you’re out in the sticks.

TBS: Did growing up Georgia have any influence on the music you play now?

JP: Oh, definitely. There was a lot of strange, one-thing-leads-to-another kind of situations. I had an internship with this record label called Table of Elements, this minimal, experimental label. They specialized in early minimalism, just some freaking-ass art. For some unknown reason to me, they moved their offices to Georgia. I thought it’d be a good idea to intern at this record label, and I learned a great deal about not just art music, but art itself, from these folks, and that kind of set my sail in that direction. It was eye opening, and I think if I lived somewhere else where there was a multitude of options instead of just this one, weird group of people, then I would’ve done something else.

TBS: Is there an explanation behind the name Bear in Heaven?

JP: There’s a constellation with a bear in it, and there’s also the philosophy that everything that you do and everything you take here on Earth is what you’ll bear in heaven.

TBS: Could you compare Bear in Heaven to any other bands?

JP: Comparing is a hard one. I’m not even going to toot my own horn, and to say that we’re “unique” is out of naivety. We approach music in sort of a non-standard way. Our music starts in many different ways, but the one thing we’ve always done is made sure that we’re not doing anything that sounds like something that’s happening, we try to stay away from that. We steer clear of the pop music form, but we’re sort of opening our doors up to all different forms.

TBS: Is there a story behind your latest album title, I Love You, It’s Cool? It seems kind of sad, or something.

JP: It’s a little loaded, that one. It embodies a lot of emotions that were happening with us at that time. It was oddly given to us by one of our ex-bandmates, he wrote these notes and he wrote one to me, and hid it underneath some of my gear. It said “Dear Jon, I love you, it’s cool.” The reality of it that there’s this kind of double meaning, you can sense the lament but also the actual positivity that I think all of us were feeling at that time. It’s nice, it’s a nice sentiment.

TBS: If you weren’t making music for a living, what do you think you’d be doing?

JP: Editing television and film, that’s what I do now when I’m not making music, so I’d just be doing a lot more of that. If I wasn’t doing that, I’d probably be chillin’, maybe boating? Maybe some jet skis? I’d be doing that.

TBS: Would you rather: Michelle Obama or Sarah Palin?

TBS: Michelle Obama. Well, depends what the spin on it is. If it was go hunting, I’d say Sarah Palin. If it was to have a party, I’d invite Michelle Obama.

TBS: Who would you rather go jet skiing with?

JP: Can I pick both of them? Sandwiched in-between them? That’d be amazing.

TBS: What’s your spirit animal?

JP: I’d say a dog. An American mutt, you know? A cross between a beagle and a golden retriever, like a fast frisbee dog.

TBS: What your drink of choice?

JP: Mescal.

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

winter x games January 24th - 27th on ESPN

The winter X Games are upon us once again, starting Thursday afternoon and lasting through Sunday night. Indulge in insane winter sports like men’s and women’s superpipe or big air. If you have the luxury of a 3D TV, prepare to have your mind blown watching athletes flip around in your face.

movie 43 out January 25th

A series of 12 short films follow three kids as they scour the wild wild west that is the internet to find the most banned, offensive movie in the world. This film stars one of the biggest ensemble casts ever, from Kate Winslet to Richard Gere and every level of celebrity in between. Let’s hope the plot doesn’t rely too heavily on that.

local natives - hummingbird out January 27th

It’s about damn time the geniuses in Local Natives released another studio album, their second, Hummingbird. After coming off an impressive debut album from early 2010, these guys don’t seem to stray much from their heartfelt sound of folk-rock in their latest album. Check out their singles “Heavy Feet” and “Breakers.”

passing the bar

If you're too cool for Keystone or stopped bonging Busch Lights months ago, well ladi-dah. Test your knowledge on these blank beer labels to see how well you know your stuff. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll win a prize.

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

page 13

The iBieber Has Achieved Total Control tbs staff wrote this On March 1, 1994, Steve Jobs emotionally sat bedside of a beautiful, newborn baby boy. Maybe born is the wrong word to use. More like constructed. His realistic, glowing skin and luscious hair was exactly what he was looking for. “He is perfect,” Jobs whispered quietly, before thanking the handsome couple in the corner for their genetic donations and politely ushering them out of the room. Jobs closed the door behind him as a sneaky smile slowly spread across his face. “Finally.”

Flash to present day, and Steve Jobs has recently departed from the Earth, but his legacy remains. Apple Inc. is a worldwide technological powerhouse with enough persuasive power to make every single suckered consumer purchase unnecessary updates every few months. Now Chairman Arthur Levinson is left to continue on with the empire Jobs built, including the most important project of all. It has been kept quiet since its creation but has always been in the public eye.

Levinson sits alone on a late Wednesday night in an empty conference room at the Apple headquarters. On his computer screen shines the the latest iTunes Terms and Conditions, recently updated with more subliminal messages and agreements. “Levinson,” a voice suddenly booms from the ceiling, startling Levinson.

“Yes, Mr. Jobs?” Jobs’s hologram appears on the center of the conference table.

“How have things been progressing with young Justin?”

“Excellent, sir. Mr. Bieber is working just as you planned.”

“I saw his success before I passed over. I saw the way he attracted nearly every pre-teen girl in the English speaking world. But as of late, what has been accomplished? I would hope that this plan has not reached some sort of standstill.”

“Oh, no, sir. Not at all. Mr. Bieber has recently finished his tour and is working on releasing a small acoustic album.”

“There haven’t been any… problems, have there? Any issues I should be concerned about?”

Levinson froze and felt his heart sink deep into his stomach. His nervously twisted his fingers and drops of sweat began to form on Levinson’s

brow. “Well, Mr. Jobs. I guess there has been one small issue. But PR covered it pretty well, in my opinion. I don’t think it will be discussed much further.”

A fire lit at the feet of Jobs’s holographic glow. His fists clenched. His face tightened. “Explain yourself, Arthur. Tell me what you have done to my child.”

“It was not me, sir. You know that I would never do anything to hurt such a precious component to the corporation.” Levinson felt his voice faltering; he knew Jobs could sense the fear.“Just recently he became involved with, well, with the herb, sir.”

“Cannabis?”

“Yes, sir.” Levinson lowered his head and waited for the blow. But instead a grin stretched across Jobs’s face, and he rubbed his hands together in celebration.

“Excellent.” Levinson looked up at Jobs, confused by the lack of punishment. “How did the fan base react?

Levinson straightened up in his chair. “Surprisingly strong, sir. Dangerous actually. Many of the young, female fans inflicted pain onto their bodies hoping it would suppress Mr. Bieber’s urges to smoke.”

Jobs raised his eyebrows. “Self harm, eh? Things are going much better than I had expected. You are doing a fantastic job, Levinson.”

“But sir, I don’t understand…”

Jobs smiled, a true genuine smile, something Levinson had never seen during their meetings. “Arthur, you don’t understand. If Justin Bieber can make the children of the world do this … well, then frankly, he can make them do anything.” He paused to let the disgusting truth sink in.

“Years before he was manufactured, I knew I wanted my company to take the planet by storm, but I needed a spokesperson, someone the people would fawn over. Justin’s birth was the proudest day of my life. He truly is a son to me. After years of waiting for his influence to reach the masses, I know now is the time. Now he has control over the human population. He can make them do anything.”

Levinson heard the excitement in Jobs’s voice and began to feel more relaxed, knowing that, once again, the iGod had him in good hands. “So what is the ultimate plan, sir?”

“With Justin, I plan to have to world rise up, don my iconic black turtleneck, and complete the domination. Justin will seduce them all into the basement of the Microsoft headquarters with his boyish good looks and when the time is right, have them detonate the bomb I have planted inside of him. Once that is done, the mob will finish off the leader. We will kill that nerd Bill Gates. Then the world will have no choice but to drop PCs and purchase our products. We will monopolize the entire technological industry.”

Levinson saw the evil gleam behind his boss’s eyes and felt slightly aroused. “You never cease to amaze me.”

Jobs’s face tightened again. “Go, Levinson. Bring Justin here. We begin tonight.”

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the madlib: back to school Deciding you need a break from all that nonsense, you head over __8__’s house, knowing he’ll be down to __9__ some __10__. You walk into his house and the whole family is sobbing; apparently his __11__suddenly __12__. Now you’re telling him everything is going to be __13__, but you really, reFirst your __4__ began be- ally just want to go to __14__ rating you for showing up at and __15__. home with so much __5__.

Doesn’t she understand Of course things continue to that it’s really expensive to get worse. A few days later do it at school? Then your you find out that __16__, __6__ asked why you reek the ex- you still quietly lust of __7__, like there’s a good over, is now dating __17__. way to answer that question You still despise __18__ for __19__ on your __20__ as a in front of the parents. joke your __21__year of high

school.

Nothing really got worse through Christmas, but New Year’s saw the ultimate shitstorm come crashing ashore.

After __22__ ditched you at a __23__ you decided to head home. When you walked in you heard a shriek. A naked, quivering mass of flesh was on the couch. It was your __24__, with __25__ on top. Then, on top of both of them was a __26__. You immediately started __27__ and __28__, though you’re not sure which one came first.

So yeah, thank god you’re back at school.

1) Your hometown 2) Verb 3) Noun 4) Family member 5) Noun 6) Different family member than 4 7) Libation 8) Male friend’s name 9) Verb 10) Noun 11) Pet 12) Verb (past tense) 13) Adjective 14) Location 15) Verb

16) Name 17) Name of nemesis 18) Same as 16 19) Verb (-ing) 20) Body part 21)Year in high school 22) Name 23) Inopportune location 24) Family member 25) Family member 26) Animal 27) Verb (-ing) 28) Verb (-ing)

go tigers!

go tigers!

It seems like it was just yesterday you were packing up your things and heading back to __1__ to enjoy a month-long break. You were determined to relax, promising yourself that you’d __2__ one __3__ every day you were home. Well, that didn’t happen.