The Black Sheep
F Hav ree.. e a . fre gre e a at t la su st mm ! er!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
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Volume 4, Issue 8 4/26/12 - 5/3/12
The bible:
College edition Nathan Palcowski wrote this
Whether you’re religious or not, the Bible is a pretty well-known book. God makes the universe, boring crap, boring crap, Jesus, boring crap. As college students, we seem to have our own Bible as well- an unspoken code of college ethics and awesome stories from freshmen Genesis to drunken Revelations. But instead of writing papers and studying for exams, what if college kids actually wrote the Bible? Switched everything around and put the creation of all man-kind through a college kids’ eyes. The five loaves of bread and two small fishes would be five pizzas and two beers. Or maybe Top Ramen and chips. Or, how about pizza covered in chips and Ramen cooked with beer instead of water? Has anyone tried that yet? Jesus, I’m hungry. And forget about that whole “sharing with others” thing. A college student would eat all that shit by himself. The Ten Commandments would be Five Commandments, just double spaced to look longer. Screw actually studying God’s lecture notes- if college students wrote the Bible, they’d just have bullshitted the hell out of it. Those idiots that wrote the first draft didn’t use double spacing technology properly. Double spacing is God'sway of telling us that even though we may not know what the hell we’re supposed to be talking about, it will be a miraculous ten pages because He’s got our backs. Hallelujah! The forbidden fruit will get eaten because it isn't dorm food. And if college kids were writing the Bible, it would be eaten pretty much immediately. Every college has pretty crappy food and any chance for a college kid gets to eat home-cooked delicious food, they jump on that opportunity like… well, like a starving 20-year-old on mom’s pot roast. The forbidden fruit in the Bible would have been that home-cooked food. No way in hell it would last very long.
putting a big sign on your forehead that says, “IDIOT.”
Then there’s the reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Look, we all know that sometimes living with somebody that we barely know, or have known for less than 6 months, can be stressful. And you’re lying if there hasn't been a time when you thought to yourself, "Damn, if I just kill em', my life would be so much easier. The bastard’s asleep, he won’t even feel it… What’s that, menacing voice only I can hear? Yes, I suppose that WOULD mean I get his pillow! How cool!" Moses walked in the desert for 40 years because he didn't want to stop and ask for questions like a total freshman. Such a noob. But asking for directions is exactly like
Other stuff
Inside
with enough love, anything can try to grow. see page 5
Hobbit Flowers
Jesus told his followers to wait until marriage to have sex not because he thought it was the right thing to do; it was because he couldn't get any in the first place. I mean, no offense to my main man Jesus Christ, but come on. The dude had, like, a ton of followers. Are we supposed to believe not one of them could cut hair like that guy from Twilight? Also, toothpaste is a pretty recent thing. That probably had an effect on the ladies. And finally, instead of God creating the world in six days and then resting on the seventh. God would have waited till night six, and then pull an all-nighter to put it all together. It explains so much!
Like upside down on a mechanical machine! see page 5
Five Best Places to Spend Your Summer
they'd say "Hey, your phone is on top of me!" see page 11
DSK: If These Seats Could Talk