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The Black Sheep

F Hav ree.. e a . fre gre e a at t la su st mm ! er!

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Volume 4, Issue 8 4/26/12 - 5/3/12

The bible:

College edition Nathan Palcowski wrote this

Whether you’re religious or not, the Bible is a pretty well-known book. God makes the universe, boring crap, boring crap, Jesus, boring crap. As college students, we seem to have our own Bible as well- an unspoken code of college ethics and awesome stories from freshmen Genesis to drunken Revelations. But instead of writing papers and studying for exams, what if college kids actually wrote the Bible? Switched everything around and put the creation of all man-kind through a college kids’ eyes. The five loaves of bread and two small fishes would be five pizzas and two beers. Or maybe Top Ramen and chips. Or, how about pizza covered in chips and Ramen cooked with beer instead of water? Has anyone tried that yet? Jesus, I’m hungry. And forget about that whole “sharing with others” thing. A college student would eat all that shit by himself. The Ten Commandments would be Five Commandments, just double spaced to look longer. Screw actually studying God’s lecture notes- if college students wrote the Bible, they’d just have bullshitted the hell out of it. Those idiots that wrote the first draft didn’t use double spacing technology properly. Double spacing is God'sway of telling us that even though we may not know what the hell we’re supposed to be talking about, it will be a miraculous ten pages because He’s got our backs. Hallelujah! The forbidden fruit will get eaten because it isn't dorm food. And if college kids were writing the Bible, it would be eaten pretty much immediately. Every college has pretty crappy food and any chance for a college kid gets to eat home-cooked delicious food, they jump on that opportunity like… well, like a starving 20-year-old on mom’s pot roast. The forbidden fruit in the Bible would have been that home-cooked food. No way in hell it would last very long.

putting a big sign on your forehead that says, “IDIOT.”

Then there’s the reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Look, we all know that sometimes living with somebody that we barely know, or have known for less than 6 months, can be stressful. And you’re lying if there hasn't been a time when you thought to yourself, "Damn, if I just kill em', my life would be so much easier. The bastard’s asleep, he won’t even feel it… What’s that, menacing voice only I can hear? Yes, I suppose that WOULD mean I get his pillow! How cool!" Moses walked in the desert for 40 years because he didn't want to stop and ask for questions like a total freshman. Such a noob. But asking for directions is exactly like

Other stuff

Inside

with enough love, anything can try to grow. see page 5

Hobbit Flowers

Jesus told his followers to wait until marriage to have sex not because he thought it was the right thing to do; it was because he couldn't get any in the first place. I mean, no offense to my main man Jesus Christ, but come on. The dude had, like, a ton of followers. Are we supposed to believe not one of them could cut hair like that guy from Twilight? Also, toothpaste is a pretty recent thing. That probably had an effect on the ladies. And finally, instead of God creating the world in six days and then resting on the seventh. God would have waited till night six, and then pull an all-nighter to put it all together. It explains so much!

Like upside down on a mechanical machine! see page 5

Five Best Places to Spend Your Summer

they'd say "Hey, your phone is on top of me!" see page 11

DSK: If These Seats Could Talk


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page three

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04

THe top ten Things to do in Kalamazoo Before You Graduate 10) Bar crawl: Kalamazoo takes a special pride in its drinking scene. Downtown has a million bars that are all in walking distance of each other. Not to mention it’s a great way to reminisce with friends before you all head for different destinations. 9) Get a shirt from all the local establishments: Kalamazoo has a lot of cool restaurants and bars that you won’t find in any other place. All of these places carry shirts and hoodies that feature their awesome logos. It’s a great way to remember the place you spent your college career.

Clark and His Stupid Test Phil McCracken wrote this

Clark woke up to the sound of his roommate gently closing the door behind him. Alex Luthor was actually stupidly good at sneaking out unnoticed, but Clark had insanely super hearing. He bolted up and looked at his alarm clock. “Dammit, Lex!” Clark cursed. “I told you to wake me up!” There was less than five minutes to get from his dorm room in the Valleys to his English class in Brown Hall for the exam. Lexwould probably take some rocket-powered invention or other and get there with plenty of time, the bald piece of crap. Why was Clark stuck with a roommate whose only mission in life was to make his own miserable? Not for the first time that semester, Clark jumped out the third floor window. He made a mental note to buy another screen and began to run. He got all the way to Sindecuse before he realized he was still in his underwear. Clark ran back to his dorm, jumped three floors to his window and threw on his least dirty pants and that shirt his friend Lois always commented on- the one that said, “USA: BACK TO BACK WORLD WAR CHAMPIONS.” Satisfied, Clark jumped back out the window and flew to Brown Hall. Living in the Valleys was SUCH a pain in the ass. Clark landed in the bushes by the Miller Auditorium. He checked to make sure no one was watching and slipped on his hipster glasses. He had perfect eyesight, and his eyes even shot lasers sometimes, but chicks seriously dig the dorky look. After checking that his windblown hair was mussed just the way Lois liked, Clark ran up to the third floor in Brown Hall with four minutes and thirty seconds to spare. “Clark!” Lois greeted him in the classroom. Everyone else looked like zombies this early in the morning right before a test, but Clark’s fellow journalism major was never anything but chipper. If Clark had the capacity to be hung-over like everyone else in his class, he might have been just as annoyed. But no matter how many bottles of Jaeger he chugged, he never thought Lois was anything but cool and super hot. Clark looked through Lois’ shirt to see which bra she was wearing today as she came in for a hug. The yellow push-up. Nice. “Are you ready for the test?” Lois asked a little too loudly. Their classmate, Winslow, groaned and tried to Force Choke Lois. Clark smiled. “I’m never ready, dude.” Lois punched Clark playfully. “Shut up, you always get the highest grade in the class.” “Well, yeah. I’m always copying you.” Lois laughed loudly and their classmates cried for blood.

Just then, the door swung open to reveal Clark’s roommate and nemesis. Lex panted triumphantly in the doorway until he caught sight of Clark. His shit-eating smirk fell and he gasped. “You-!” “Hey, dude,” Clark said angrily. “What the hell? I asked you to wake me up!” Lex ignored him. “How the hell did you get here before me? God DAMN, parking sucks here!” “GAH!” Winslow Schott cried. “SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU OBNOXIOUS CRETINS!” The rest of the class murmured in half- drunk agreement just as the professor walked in. “Everyone have a seat,” he said.“Luthor, close your mouth, you little shit. You look like a bald fish.” Lex glared at Clark and sullenly sat behind him. Lois hid a giggle and sat next to Clark. Professor Hamilton cleared his throat. “Alright. Now, I know we had a test scheduled today-“ “BOO!” came the unanimous cry. A paper airplane hit the whiteboard. “BUT,” the professor yelled, “It seems I have misplaced every single copy of the exam and replaced them with what looks to be naked pictures of my mother sleeping.” Clark’s eyes sparkled and he tried not to grin. The picture idea had come to him in a stroke of genius. “I’ve scheduled myself a psychiatric evaluation to deal with this,” said Professor Hamilton. “You are all free to go.” Without a second thought, the class jumped to their feet and ran for the door, leaving their English professor to sob quietly into his hands. “Wow!” Lois said to Clark as they walked by the fountain. “What good luck! Now I won’t be late for my date with Superman!” “About that,” Clark frowned. “I heard he actually prefers being called Captain Thunderstorm Pussysmasher.” “Oh, Clark!” she laughed. “You’re so funny!” Clark sighed. “Look, Lois, a squirrel.” “Squirrel!” Clark quickly took off his hipster glasses just as Lois turned back. “Oh!” she said, delighted. “Superman! I was just talking about you to my friend Clark! Where did he run off to?” “Never mind that,” Superman said. “We’ve got a reservation to keep in Paris. I hope you like escargot.” “Yay!” Lois said. “I don’t even know what that is!”

8) Flag poles: It’s said that if you stand in the middle of the flag poles at the center of campus and scream it will echo “for days.” Well, maybe not for days, but definitely REALLY LOUDLY. Have a loudness contest with your friends- Loser has to buy the “leaving forever” drinks! 7) Attend a house party: After you reach the glorious age of 21 it is easy to forget about house parties as you turn into a bar star. Don’t forget the first three years of our college vacation were spent at house parties. As a last she-bang, take a trip down memory lane and do it all over again. 6) attempt to run through the fountains: Everyone knows there’s a fine if you get caught in the coolest and place on campus. If you want be remembered here at WMU for the rest of its existence, sack up and do it big. Follow your dreams and sprint through those fountains! 5) Ride the bull at Wild Bull Saloon: Whether you’re a freshman on 18-and-up Thursday night or you just need to take a load off, get on the bull and ride that thang. Just remember to hold on tight and try not to vomit. 4) Go to Bell’s Brewery and Eccentric Cafe and try their top beers: Not many cities have their own brewery that has top beers like Bell’s; we’re kind of big deal. Make time to go and get familiar with the top brews. You can sip like a girl or chug like a boss. Either way, you won’t regret it. 3) Wayside Wednesday: From girls walking into glass doors because of the excessive amounts of booze consumed to dropping it low on the dance floor with the Kalamazoo locals; this night is one that can’t happen without a story you’ll tell for years on end. 2) Grotto Trivia: The Grotto rocks Kalamazoo, and when you add fantastic trivia to the mix, it’s scientifically impossible to have a bad time.Bring a diverse group with you and get everyone to bring their A-game. You (yes, YOU) could win a Grotto gift card for your awesomeness! 1) Step on the W: It’s the old folk tale every student thinks about when they pass that damn W. They tell you if you step on it, you will fail a semester of classes. We all say it’s just some dumb myth, but will walk a distance around the brick columns to avoid it. After you’re safely graduated, dance all over that stupid letter. Maximum effect achieved by scream-singing Jay-Z’s “I came, I saw, I conquered” while jumping up and down.

Kelly Weatherwax wrote this


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Hobbit Flowers

05

Hannah Weyer wrote this

So far college has been a fantastic learning experience. I would even go so far as to call it “educational.” I have learned Mandarin grammar, how to calculate compounded interest, how to hide from Parking Services and that Georgia is also a country somewhere in Eastern Europe.

birds hate me. I don’t trust bunnies and I’m not sure where to get a hedgehog. I have so much contempt for everything fish. I’m not about to get pregnant to train myself to be an aunt, so that leaves only plants to make me less of a jackass with living things.

But even as valuable as this new information is, the most important things I have learned are about who I am. This year has led to a few surprising epiphanies, some of which have shaken me to my very core. But even the terrible realization that I actually kind of like Coldplay didn’t prepare me for treason against my sex.

I did what anyone serious about their botanical pursuits would do. I went to the dollar store and purchased a fine plastic pot for my darlings. I bought their finest dollar store soil. I browsed their excellent seed selection until I saw them. Acidenth blublu… accithalus…acidenzel… I can’t freaking spell it, OK? But I don’t have to. The moment I saw those dusty, brown, wrinkled bulbs, I knew what it means to love. I clutched them to my chest and told the sales girl that I wanted these for my own, and price wasn’t an issue. She agreed and took my dollar.

I can’t ever have kids. Forget that children are disgusting. Forget that they’re always sticky even though they haven’t been around anything sticky. Forget that they have drippy stupid noses and terrible handwritThe moment I got to my room, I filled the pot with soil and gently ing. A woman is bound by biological law to love children and use her planted all four. I filled their tummies with loving water and waited gross organs to make them, and I really, really don’t want to. And waited. I got bored of watching them and decided to Google my flowers. I still didn’t know how to spell it, but I think Google knew Almost by definition, a woman should be nurturing and motherly. I had what I meant. The pictures look like something that would grow in the cold ravioli, Cheez-Its and NyQuil for breakfast. Keeping things alive is Shire, so I lovingly nicknamed my darlings “Hobbit Flowers.” The web not in my skill-set, and I just can’t trust myself to not accidentally kill site that I skimmed told me that I had to wait at least a couple weeks a kid. for them to sprout, and a few more to flower. This will not do. Sure, kids and I are mutually repulsed by each other now, but I won’t always been this young and selfish. There may come a time in my life when I want to be more than just totally awesome. Someday I may have to be a reliable adult for someone I absolutely love. Whether I plan for it or not, I may someday be an auntie. If that day ever comes, I need to be good at making things live. I need practice.

one morning to see the very first sprouts of green peeking over the soil. I danced. I danced with joy and spun the pot around the room. I sang about how proud I was of my babies and kissed the green leaves. Until I asked Google again. Turns out Hobbit Flowers look completely different when they sprout, i.e. not skinny green weeds.

“That’s okay,” I told myself. “You have to be patient with things like life. Rome wasn’t born in a day.” So every day I poured a little water on the soil and told my bulbs I was proud of them. I decided to be the most nurturing, most patient, best looking mother four bulbs could ask for.

I’m not sure how I killed my flowers. Google tells me it may have been the Sprite I gave them to celebrate our first night as a family. Or maybe I planted them upside down, or played the wrong music to get them to sleep. But somehow I managed to murder the only plants that ever mattered to me.

It was really boring.

I can never have kids. And neither can my sisters. I can’t risk killing my nieces, so from now on, I’m going to have to spike everything my sisters put in their mouths with birth control. It’s the only way.

A dog is out of the question. I live in the dorms, and puppies are simply But last week, all my boredom, patience and water paid off. I woke up too awesomely adorable for my RAs to handle. Reptiles scare me and


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shiT BroNCos TheNever Five Best Places sAy to Spend Your Summer

The internet is a great source of millions of videos that waste hours of your time so it only feels like you’ve been messing online forof10the minutes. want It’saround here! The end school Who year wouldn’t is upon us, to watch videos the “It’s Cold In The D” music and cat most of usand couldn’t beSohappier! If you’re taking videoclasses instead this of studying forwe a chemistry exam? summer, have much pity for the

fool. Many students will be looking for something to

Since do you’re college student you students, have a Facebook account, this asummer. As college there aren’t and because you’re bored in class you slip in a headphone too many people with the money for big trips. and hit up Youtube. Undoubtedly you’ve seen the “shit Everyone knows the big money is for spring break. people say” videos. They’re self-explanatory, it’s a video of So here are five places for WMUenough, students shit certain people say affordable and don’t say. Surprisingly DAnA Wrote tHis thereto hasgoyet besummer. one about WMU. For shame! Are we so to to this Or maybe it’s what we don’t say that sets us apart. Katie Batt wrote thisplain? If you’re a true Bronco, none of these words will ever come Friend’s Cabin: We’re in Michigan; therefore, out ofAyour mouth.

everyone and their uncle has a cabin up North. If

“Did you read that awesome article in The Herald?”

07 07

“They need fewer booths in Bistro 3.” “I can tell you everything that I did last night.” with amusement parks. We do have a good number “Can I borrow your tail tomorrow?” of options. Cedar Point, Michigan’s Adventure, Six “WMU hockey sucks.” Flags. Just take your pick. All of them offer scream“So many open parking spaces!” inducing rides and overpriced food that, if you’re “I’ve never seen the 'Scott’s is buying gold, silver, and coins!’ doing “amusement park” right, you’re going to see commercial.” in Iagohalf hour. And standing in the sun for “Ofagain course 35 on West Michigan Ave.” an hour while you wait for your two minute ride is “Thanks for the Bible old man.” another great way to get tan! “I’ve held onto my eco-mug since freshman year.” ‘Thanks garbage man for coming at 6a.m.” A Cruise: I know what game you’re thinking. This “Wanna go toNow, a WMU basketball tonight?” is NOT affordable. Believe me, this “I would’ve got rid of Panda Express too.”is a good plan and there isn't larger of money involved! All “Did you see all thea hot girlssum at Parkview?” younever haveconsidered to do is pack yourself in aoflarge boxbus.” (don’t “I’ve jumping in front a WMU forget the air holes) and ship yourself to the port. “Fight Broncos Fight…what’s the next line?” Just make sure theme crew thinks you’re a box of food “Sindecuse diagnosed correctly.” or alcohol, or some other product they order in “Thanks for awkwardly playing your guitar while I’m studybulk. Once on the ship, break out of your box and ing.” as your a (mer)maid. “Ofdisguise course Iyourself remember name.” Take on whatever accent want andhome boom, got aDay.” way to “I think I’myou going to go for you’ve St. Patrick’s move around the ship without getting in trouble. “Beer pong? Never heard of it.” “Oh no thanks, I don’t smoke weed.” Thego Couch: “Let’s to the It’s rec summer between break, 6-8.” people. Most of us have jobs nooflonger “I don’t drinkbut winewe out a box.”have class. Go ahead, unbutton those pants is and be a bum. four “Let’s see what everyone handing out atThe the next flagpoles.” months should to relax as much as possible “They didn’t sell tobe meused a TJ’s.” before another of school. On the days you “It’s not UClub, it’s year Campus Habitat.” have longer have to worry about home“I’ll justoff, haveyou oneno beer tonight.” workpanels, or waking up early. What better way to spend “Solar finally!” the day before a wild summer night than being “Anyone want to live with me at Western View?” a total bum, laying on the couch with a bunch of “I love the new E-learning.” snacks around you? Go ahead, let your hair down. “No man I have to pass on the Den Pop, I’m broke.” “I’m transferring to Central.”

you swing going toDunbar.” your friend’s cabin without “I wish mycan room smelled like their parents insisting on chaperoning then you are “I know exactly where Rood Hall is.” home for a summer party. Oh, your friend has “Jin Hau Lu free Bajanstalki is my professor, YES!” a boat? Even better! It’sMiller a less “I’ll for sure pick you up from at fancy 2p.m.”yacht party! Wear Dunn a monocle “President who?” and sip cabernet, and it’s a more party! Think it as your personal “Wisefancy choiceyacht replacing Taco Bell of with Western Scoops.” spring break without the extra cost and annoying “I miss living in the Valleys.” travelling. “Step on the W for good luck.” “My fake worked at the Grotto, again.” Theread Beach: Shore hasinraised the importance “Did you that Jersey awesome article The Herald?” of tanning to new andweekend?” terrifying levels. But not all “Do you want to stay in this of usalways can afford that classy Oompa Loompa look. “Wendy’s gets my order right.” Why go totoaclass tanning salon when you canways.” get just as “I love walking in the snow, uphill both tan from a day on the beach? Michigan is freaking “Nursing is so easy to get into.” with Most neighborhoods here have “Howlousy do you get lakes. to the flagpoles?” their own damn lake and private beach. So hop “Let’s just walk home from Wayside.” a fence or two and spend some time in the sun! “I just need one minute to print something off in the lab.” Going to a tanning salon is the boring way of get“I’ve never got a parking ticket.” ting tan. Besides, sunburns are hilarious. Putting “So my girlfriend from Central…” quarters on your friend’s back while he cooks like “I know exactly why there’s a whale on campus. “ bacon? Classic! So there you have it, WMU students! Five afford“Ew, Sweetwater’s.” able things can doissue. this summer. Don’t party Well, that’s it, you that’s the We’re different after all. “I understand why people go the wrong way in roundtoosay hard while (Ha!not Psych!). Havebe funtrue, Amusement Parks: And I’m freeeee! Free fallin’! They silence is you’re golden,away that may necessarily abouts.” buteverybody! what you don’t say can tell you who you really are. People from Michigan seem to have an obsession


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drinking game:

Status: Single

Worst pick up line: “Baby you don't have to pick up any beer, I've got a six pack right here.”

Fav drink recipe: Pink Drink - X-Rated vodka, pineapple vodka, soda and splash of pineapple juice.

Best perk of being a bar tender: Besides making fat cash...witnessing others making fools out of themselves.

Fav shot recipe: Chocolate Covered Pretzel - Pinnacle Whipped, hazelnut, creme de cocoa and follow it with licking salt.

Biggest win (or fail depending on how you see it): One night I watched a guy vomit in his mouth then turn around and make out with a girl.

I dare you shot: Puerto Rican HookerShot of tequila followed by a shot of pickle juice.

Craziest thing you've ever seen on the job: While working the dance club a girl was Jersey Turnpiking on this guy then grabbed a chair and mounted him. We had to get security to make them stop before they had sex on the dance floor.

Drink you make the most: Long Island Iced Teas

Thirty-One

Much like turning the amp up to eleven was critical to Spinal Tap’s success, playing Thirty-One is, like, ten times better than just playing blackjack. Also, there’s beer involved. What You Need: Beer, a deck of cards, basic math skills. Players: Two, but you should probably hit until you get three. Level of Intoxication: It’s like black-out blackjack. How to Play: - Like blackjack, the game has one dealer and several players. - A round begins with all players receiving three cards, two face-down and one face-up. - The cards are worth the number indicated on the face. Face cards are worth 10. Aces are worth 1 or 11. - The dealer circles around the table. Players must receive a card or knock. - If a player knocks, each other player has the opportunity to draw one more card. - Players reveal their cards. The player with the lowest total loses. - Any player that busts also loses. - Losers must drink an entire beer before they lose their next hand. - The deal is passed to the left before the next round begins. The Game Ends When: Someone gets hit for hitting one too many times.

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DSK: If these seats could talk Vanessa Leiner wrote this

Every Bronco knows that the key letters to a safe ride home after our crazy Wastern nights aren’t DD- they’re DSK, our friendly, fun students who volunteer to get our drunken asses home. However (or should I say luckily) not everyone knows the horror and embarrassment that scoots in and out of the backseat of DSK cars each and every weekend. But what if the backseat of DSK cars could talk? Maybe we wouldn’t lose our keys and cell phones. I can only imagine how many times the backseat has had to listen to kids bitch about how they “swear I just had it” and “they were in my pocket.” Losing things sober: annoying. Losing things wasted: see ya never, iPhone and house keys. The backseat could buy all new upholstery with the crap we leave in it. Maybe we would know who is lying next to us in bed in the morning. Nothing worse than rolling over and being face-to-face with a total stranger. How badly do you wish you could call the backseat and be like “Hey remember the guy who I was straddling and playing kissy face with last night?” Then the backseat would respond with something like “Yes, you stupid whore.His name is Alex and you might want to get tested.” The backseat likes to keep it real. Maybe we would still be in a relationship. Calling your significant other at 3 a.m. when you’re shit faced is never a good idea. Since your friends are too incoherent to tell you not to call, the backseat would encourage you to wait until morning. “You know it will only end in a fight, and doesn’t puking sound way better than crying and screaming right now?” Yes it does, backseat! You’re the beBLARGHURAPH!

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Maybe we would remember all the awesome snacks we were going to make when we got home before passing out. Some of the best snack concoctions are created in the earliest and drunkest hours of our lives. Frosting on waffles? Chicken finger sandwich? The world will never remember…but the backseat will. It’s a shame all of our culinary creativity is forgotten sooner than the stupid shit we did that night. Maybe we would know why we sobbed like a little baby last night. “She called me ugly!” “He was making out with my roommate!” “She slept with my brother!” “I miss my dog!” “I need my mom!” Who the hell knows why we cry our eyes out when we are drunk. Instead of waking up and asking your roommates, who were just as inebriated as you, why you were so emotional the backseat could tell you what bullshit reason you had for being an emotional nut case, and maybe wouldn’t laugh so hard at you. The back seat knows all and hears all. Maybe we would know why everyone hates us. Drunken words are sober thoughts, says every asshole ever. The backseat could explain why no one is responding to your text messages or answering your phone calls. Who knows what you said at that party to your roommates and that random group of people standing on the deck? The backseat knows. You might not remember telling your friends you want them to die but surely you rambled about it to your DSK backseat. You don’t remember puking on that guy, breaking that table or getting kicked out of the bar but the backseat heard all about it. DSK backseats hear the crying, yelling, bitching and puking that take place on a nightly basis around WMU. Only God and the backseat know what happen every weekend at WMU, and maybe it should stay that way. If only what happened in the backseat stayed in the backseat….


summer

blockbusted How movies that look so right

could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.

The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow? Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit. Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated. Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks. Commissioner A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (10 years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?

Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by god it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this… this is not a good thing. Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star Wars universe, and Ridley It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “it’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the coldblooded Mark Zuckerberg. So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us megafrownie all over the place. Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film heads in

Scott is decidedly different from stuff-my-pants-so-fullwith-money-my-gunt-getspaper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, callbacks and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.

Gordon becomes a bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy. Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very good-ness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.

The Campaign

Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:

movies that look crappy

but might just turn out okay Men in black 3

After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John

Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal. Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man…because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard. Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair. to keep the film set in some sort of reality, the movie (Each character awkwardly quickly spirals to a dark place stares at the other for thirty rife with one-liner one-upmanseconds.) ship until the audience’s heads simultaneously explode. And It doesn’t work. Instead of having that’s bad for repeat viewings. a comparatively sane character

In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”

that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.

magic mike

This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres. In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”

The Amazing Spiderman Brave

this direction. Peter Parker is supposed to be a snarky dick, not a whiney pussy. We have you on watch, Garfield.

Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist. Toy Story 2: Male protagonist. Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist. Finding Nemo: Male protagonist. The Incredibles: Male protagonist. Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist. Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist. Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of boobs. That’s not

cause for concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.

rock of ages

Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.

ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden. Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.


the music page

what to expect at electric forest music festival With the school year wrapping up and summer nearly at our fingertips, festival season is like the Christmas of summertime, that is if Christmas lasted five days and happened every other weekend. The summer music festival scene reaches its apex in our backyard, with the Electric Forest Music Festival in Rothbury, Michigan. Though this year marks its fourth anniversary, the festival had a bumpy start when it was canceled after two years in 2010. Thankfully it returned in 2011 reborn, renamed and reenergized into a jam-band and electronic music hybrid festival that appeals to all ends of the music-lovers spectrum. Electric Forest is much more than an amazing five-day experience of celebrating music. It’s about being in the great outdoors with new and old friends, having amazing experiences and making unforgettable (or at least somewhat-hazy) memories. There’s free yoga in the afternoon, and glow-inthe-dark disc golf at dusk. There’s impressive hula-hoopers and hacky sackers galore, strange home-made contraptions around every corner just to trip you out, a seemingly infinite amount of glow sticks at your disposal and, if that all happens to bore you, an endless amount of eccentric The String Cheese Incident fans to keep the people-watching pastime entertaining. Did we mention the awe-inspiring beauty of the electric forest, an indescribable show of towering lit-up trees, captivatingly creative 3D fixtures, bizarre balls of lights hanging from who knows what and so much more that even the most sober will stay entertained? If that doesn’t make you squeal a little, then we’re not sure what will. Whether this is your first or fortieth music festival, Electric Forest is a unique experience that’ll stay with you forever. Here are some things to expect should you venture to this great experience:

Camping is No Joke: Camping at Electric Forest is about as barebones as it gets. You can’t have campfires, so don’t bring any food that needs to be cooked, but don’t forget that you can always splurge on some hot food inside the festival. Speaking of food, watch out for anything melting or spoiling in your car. You might only be there for four days, but ice melts in like, five hours, so check those plums you casually left in the backseat. Ice is available for sale at a hefty price and, depending on where you’re camping, it’s a bit of a walk to

get. And somehow, carrying 10 pounds of ice is a lot heavier than holding an adorable 10-pound puppy.

Become One With Walking: Speaking of walking, you best embrace it. The later you arrive at the festival, the farther away from the festival grounds you’ll be camping. This means you’ll be walking that much farther to get anywhere you need to go. Even if you’re towards the middle of camping it’s about 10 minutes to just get to the entrance of the festival, and once inside it’s a good half hour from front to back. But when it’s warm outside and you’re feeling good with your friends, the immense amount of walking should just become a part of the experience, instead of a death march to get to the fun. We’re not going to be like yo mama and tell you to wear “comfy, practical shoes” because we all know flip-flops are practically the most comfortable, the same ones we’ve been sporting for the past two summers. Bring an extra pair because it’d sure suck to lose yours in some mud, but if all else fails you can go barefoot to truly be one with nature.

Embrace the Weird: Last year it rained the first night, and wouldn’t it have been a damn shame if your adventuresome self hadn’t popped out of your shell, staying in your tent all night moaning about the weather? You’re a fool if you don’t bring a $5 poncho, so bust that puppy out, get ankle-deep in mud (see “bring an extra pair of flip-flops”) and see the bands you drove many, many hours for. The next day, when you’re inevitably dirty and sweaty, there’s alternatives to washing away the weird. There are some janky showers available for about $10, but there is also a lake that you can take a refreshing dip in. Is the lake a little dirty? It sure is, but it’ll

feel amazing after two days in heat, and it’s better than nothing. You’ll feel like a brand new person, and ready to rage for the rest of the weekend.

It’s All About the Music, Man: But no matter who you came here to see or what you wanted to do, everyone is at Electric Forest for one reason; to get fucked up and see awesome live music. The golden child of fun party music, DJ Girl Talk will grace the festival for the second time blending together 90s hits, rap, rock, techno and everything in between for our raging enjoyment. Diplo’s reggae party band Major Lazer is sure to bring their A-game to their first ever Electric Forest performance. One part hip-hop, one part reggae, all parts funky fun, not to mention their notoriously outrageous onstage performance, these guys will certainly wake up anyone who’s been zoning out. One of the more famous musicians you may have never heard of performing this year is English/ Canadian electronic-musician Richie Hawtin, who’s been creating minimal techno beats for over two decades, becoming an influential part of the Detroit techno scene (he grew up in Windsor, Ontario, the same place you puked out of a cab when you were 17). Do yourself a favor and check out this legend, who’ll surely put on an unforgettable set. A young buck who’s no stranger to the festival scene, MiM0SA’s experimental techno is just the thing to listen to if you aren’t sure if you want to get amped up or if you want to simply stare into some beautiful lights. He’s two parts fast paced and one part slowed-down vibes, creating just the right mixture to make everything okay. If you’re feeling like a chill pill is in order (and we don’t blame you one bit), Sound Tribe Sector 9 is blessing us with two performances this year. Go on and try to plan your vibed-out swaying with any other shows that you might want to check out because, though the settimes haven’t bet scheduled yet, STS9’s previous late-night shows have gone until the sun rises. Don’t you feel mellowed out already? Electric Forest Music Festival is June 28th - July 1st in Rothbury, Michigan. Tickets are on sale now at electricforestfestival.com.


Show Us Your Booze! : Cinco de Mayo Edition


show us your booze! cinco de mayo edition

Meet The Staff! campus manager Hannah Weyer

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