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The Black Sheep

Fr Oh ee...li wa ke it, th it's at d a p ollar oo dol bill! lar .

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

theblacksheeponline.com @Black_Sheep_WMU

Volume 4, Issue 6 3/29/12 - 4/11/12

So, your sibling wants to be a Chippewa? Hannah Weyer wrote this

Making mistakes is a vital part of growing up. Young adults are bound to dare each other to eat an entire anchovy pizza in one sitting, or participate in way too many keg stands or, for the real stupid, buy a Nickelback CD. Making mistakes is how we test the limits of our capabilities and gain a fuller understanding of the world and where we stand in it. All of us here at WMU had, or still have, those moments of introspection that come with wiping out while longboarding down a hill. So, most of us can be sympathetic, or even supportive, when our little brothers and sisters do something even more moronic. But there is one mistake that no Bronco worth their hide can abide by- one heinous, appalling, stupid mistake that can and will tear your family apart by its seams and motorboat its corpse. Going to Central. It doesn't happen very often, but Broncos whose siblings have allied themselves with the Chips must take swift and brutal action the moment their little brother or sister announces their intent to apply. Be subtle. Be nurturing. But squash that Central-shaped bug in their system faster than you can say “Fuck the Chips.” I’ve compiled a list of ways to complete this mission before it’s too late and disowning them is your only option. Hurry, we don’t have much time! Bring them to visit WMU: Western Michigan University is awesome. Aside from an incredible campus and super sweet papers like The Black Sheep, the people here are fucking rad. We have goofy drunks and daredevil drunks, loud drunks, stoner drunks, affectionate drunks, hungry, weepy and happy drunks, naked drunks, passed out drunks, naked passed out drunks and Mormons. There's no better display of diversity in all of Michigan, and if your sibling doesn't love the people here, then she doesn't love you. If that’s the case then Grand Valley University would be a better option… Talk up WMU: Obviously. Tell your brother about the raging parties. Tell your sister about the amazing professors. Talk about how a class inspired you to volunteer at a nursing home on weekends (but don't mention what you really

Other stuff

Inside

Surviving on the Cheap

did every weekend instead.) When you're home, flip on a WMU game and let your family see how enthusiastically you cheer for "sports ball". Subtly mention how you heard that the Central quarter-defender is out for the season because his gonorrhea spread to his eyeballs. Hit them: This is an advanced psychological manipulation technique. Every time your little brother or sister mentions Central, hit them. If you're doing it right, very soon they will learn to correctly associate words like "CMU," "Chips," "Central" and "slutty bitch" with physical pain. Because this is so subtle, they won't understand WHY their arm hurts when they speak That Which Must Not Be Named, just that Central is a thing that causes pain. Let them visit Central: Sending your innocent little

sibling into enemy territory seems like a terrible idea, at first. Instead, it’s exactly the reason why your little Bilbo needs a suitable Gandalf to guide them. With a fake beard and a big stick, you or a trustworthy friend can sneak into Mordor itself to point out the atrocities The Eye has committed. Look upon the wretched souls, twisted with stupidity and STDs. Look, I say! Steel your nerves don't let your sibling see how the creatures disgust you! They will see the herpes-ridden goblins for themselves and they will understand that you are trying to keep them from Central out of love. They will never doubt you again. If none of these techniques work for your sibling and they actually become a student at CUM... oh pardon my spelling error I suppose I meant CMU… there’s nothing left that you can do. Let the process of disowning begin.

A Guide to Getting by for the rest of the semester.

"Stop or we'll shoot" has nothing to do with shots, people.

a fun way to enjoy your summer and make some money... But not.

see page 4

see page 5

see page 7

Decoding What You Hear on A Night Out The Truth About Internships


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Definition: One’s inability to understand the reasoning behind a hook-up the next day. Days later Molly couldn’t figure out why she had slept with Kevin, it was inexdickable.


04

THe top ten Stupid Michigan Laws We’ve all heard that each state has some ridiculous laws that no one really enforces, but have you ever actually taken the time to look up Michigan’s to see what stupid rules pass? No? I’ve compiled a list- so you didn’t have toof the ridiculous Michigan laws. 10) NOBYOB (Kinda): Permitting diners to take home an unfinished bottle of alcohol rather than consuming it all before leaving to prevent “waste” encourages moderation and discourages intoxication. However, this is prohibited in Michigan. The next time someone yells at you to finish your beer remember that they’re just trying to stop you from being arrested. 9) Keep it in your pants, pops: Adultery is illegal, but can only be punished upon a complaint by the affected husband or wife. Keeping it in your pants not only will save you a bitch slap to the face, but it’ll save you big bucks in court fees. Just say no to sluts, or make sure that your significant other won’t take you to court.

surviving on the cheap: a guide to getting by for the rest of the semester Gramps gave you. Unless you’re a cokehead, it is the most useful powder you’ll encounter in college.

7) Back that ass into the garage: In Detroit couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple’s property. You’re not gonna be doing the dirty on your driveway while your mother is outside gardening. I understand laws about alcohol, but laws preventing getting it in are just inhuman.

Coffee or Energy Drinks, $2-$4: If you’re not lucky enough to own an Adderall prescription or have a friend with one then coffee and energy drinks are the next best thing. There’s no way you’re going to memorize an entire semester’s worth of work without them.

6) Candy may not contain more than 1% alcohol: Now this is just preposterous. What is a beautiful summer day without Jell-o shots made from Five O’Clock? Imagine a life without the enjoyable taste of gummy bears soaked in liquor. I don’t even want to think about it.

andrea walker wrote this It’s the end of the semester, the final lap, and I can tell that your your bank account is dwindling at a precipitous rate. Here are a few cheap things that will help keep you sane so you make it out alive to enjoy sweet, sweet summer. 12 pack Condoms, Sindecuse Health Center, $3: Nothing helps you blow off some steam like a little lovemaking. But nothing is more disappointing than that moment when things are getting hot and heavy on your bed ... and you realize that neither of you has a condom. Who can blame you? You’re a broke college student and the things are expensive. But alas, Sindecuse saves the day selling a dozen condoms for the price of two 24 oz beers. At a measly 25 cents apiece, that’s cheaper than the retail price for a cigarette (but let’s hope that the wearer of the condom lasts longer than one). Thanks to Sindecuse, the cheapest stress reliever is now even cheaper. Beanie/Hat, $10: College is stressful and time consuming. It gets hard to find the time to do the necessary things; such as sleep, eat, and groom yourself. Let’s face it, when you wake up with 20 minutes to get to class, you definitely don’t have time to shower. Fortunately, investing in a few good hats will make you look a little more presentable AND give you more time to finish that assignment due right before class. Milwaukee’s Best Ice 24 oz, $1: Alcohol is the best way to reward yourself after spending hours in the library, but it isn’t a free reward. Milwaukee’s Best Ice is the cheapest around. Besides, two in and you no longer realize that what you’re drinking tastes like the can it came from. Baking Soda, $0.80: Baking soda is an age-old fix-all that’ll be around long after you’re dead in the ground. This stuff can do anything. At around 50 cents a ton you may as well take advantage of it. With water it can become toothpaste or an exfoliant. It’ll remove the blood from a bar fight off your shirt and deodorize the wet sock smell from your laundry bag and nullify the smell of bait from the mini-fridge

8) Persons may not be drunk on trains: It’s my personal belief that every human should be able to choo-choochoose the right to be white girl wasted any time, any place.

Goldfish, $2-$10: Living with your friends has positives and negatives. There are times when the last thing you want is to be alone, but you’re also holding back from choking your roommate and their significant other for not leaving the room for the last three days. Fish are perfect. They are adorable and don’t talk so you can’t get sick of them. They’ll be your little orange personal motivational coaches to keep studying. Headphones, $10: Roommate sex plus you trying to study never results in a good grade. Nightlight, $1: If you share a room with someone it’s important to possess a nightlight if you’re trying to get it on with your homework. It also sets a relaxing mood and it will prevent your roommate from flipping the lights on right when they walk in. It instantly creates quiet study area and signals your roommate to shut the hell up for the night. A Stress Ball, $5: This will prevent you from killing the people in your group project, punching your roommates in the face for blaring music, and preventing you from jumping off of Sprau Tower. You can net everything above for less than $50. That’s a bad night out at the bars, a cheap trip to Meijer, 1/3 the cost of an abortion (or so we heard) or 50 items off of the McDonald’s Dollar Menu. Can’t spare that change? You have more things to worry about than your grades, my friend.

5) You may not swear in front of women and children: If you are a woman or child reading this please read carefully: fuck, shit, asshole, dickhead, twatface, fucking fucker fuck shit. That is all. 4) Bathing suit blues: In Rochester, Michigan anyone bathing in public must have his or her bathing suit inspected by a police officer. I understand where the people of Rochester are coming from. I wish this law was in effect at Campus Court’s pool. 3) The Whitney Houston: In Detroit, Michigan it is illegal to sleep in a bathtub. That’s just taking away a bed for thousands of drunks across the globe. 2) No, John Cusack!: Right here in Kalamazoo it is illegal to serenade your girlfriend. This is stupid. Guys rarely do nice things for girls in the first place, now we’re going to make sure they don’t even have the option? Sick deal, government. 1) In Brighton, Michigan annoying someone is a crime: If I’m ever in Brighton with someone that annoys the hell out of me there’s nothing stopping me from dialing 911. Image the look on their faces when their rights are read and the reason why they’re in handcuffs is explained. Good job on this one, Brighton.

dana borzea wrote this


05

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Decoding What You Hear On A Night Out Nathan Palcowski wrote this

When you’re going out at night you can’t help but hear those talking around you. But not everything you hear means exactly what you think. Here are some things that you’re going to hear, and what they mean according to the person who is saying it. “I'LL MEET YOU THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.”: In which a guy means, “Let me take a shower, order a pizza, jerk off while I wait for the pizza, eat the pizza, then debate whether or not I actually want to go out.” “SHOTS!”: A girl saying this means she wants to get drunk. Not now, not later, but, like, five minutes ago. A guy saying this to a girl then he really wants her to get drunk yesterday. A girl saying this to other girls means she’s bored with her friends, and only finds them amusing when she’s hammered. “I'M SO DRUNK RIGHT NOW”: Normally the drunkest people are the ones trying to prove that they’re “not that drunk.” Admitting your sloshed state is just a cry for attention. You're practically begging some member of the opposite sex to take them home and give them all the attention they can handle the thirty minutes before they fall alseep.  

just slutty enough for my master plan to work.” “I LOVE THIS SONG”: This means, “I think I know four words to this song, but I’m going to try and sing it anyway.” This is mainly used by screaming, shoeless sorority girls in the middle of the dance floor. “I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN, WE SHOULD HANG OUT MORE”: In reality, you didn't like these people until you had a few. Then they became your best friend for the night. You will never hang out again, though you might friend one of them on Facebook. “DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY PLACE AND CHILL?”: The phrase that every guy tries to score with at the end of the night. Usually it’s used when a girl wants drunk munchies. It’s a perfect line if you compliment it with an offer of some comfy sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt. She can take her heels off…then those sweatpants. Then the dignity. “I THINK I'M GOING TO PUKE”:  Translation: “I'm pretty sure I am going to puke later tonight. You have two choices. You can either stay with me or help me keep the puke out of my hair when the time comes, or we can just get it on right now before I puke on you later.”

“CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?”: Mainly said by guys, as women know that going out means they don't have to pay “YOU LOOK FAMILIAR, DO I KNOW YOU?”: “Hey, aren't for a drink. The guy who is asking you this usually means, you that kid that was in my orientation group freshman “I have just enough money for one drink, and you look

year?” It’s also a great cover for “I stalked your whole Facebook profile even if you don't know it.” “I’M NOT EVEN THAT DRUNK”: They’re trying to say is “I really am that drunk, but I'm trying to make it seem like I'm not so that you can still talk to me and not think that my life is in total shambles. “ Of course there are millions of different phrases, all with slightly different meanings, and a night out on the town quickly turns into a night of drunken linguistics. Hey, do you think WMU offers a degree in that?

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shiT BroNCos the truth about Never sAy

internships

The internet is a great source of millions of videos that waste hours of your time so it only feels like you’ve been messing around online for biggest 10 minutes. wouldn’t want Internships are the pain Who in the ass. You to watch catallvideos and it, theI “It’s Cold The D” music were thinking just So said it. In Seriously, finding, videoapplying, instead ofinterviewing studying for aand chemistry waitingexam? around in antici-

pation all for a stupid internship consumes most of

Since our you’re a college student youhard havetoa find Facebook lives. I thought it was a jobaccount, in high and because you’re bored in class you slip in a headphone school. Reality check: I would give anything to work and hit up Youtube. Undoubtedly you’ve seen the “shit atsay” an ice cream shop all summer instead doingof people videos. They’re self-explanatory, it’s of a video actualpeople work. You candon’t tell the on campus shit certain say and say.students Surprisingly enough, DAnA Wrote tHis therewho has yet be one about For shame! Arecheckwe so areto struggling withWMU. this daunting task: Or their maybeemail it’s what wefour don’t say thatanswering sets us apart. ing every seconds, every Vanessa Leiner wrote thisplain? If you’re a true number Bronco, none of these words will critiquever come unknown that calls their phone, out of your mouth.

ing their resumes during class and being generally irritable and sleep deprived. It’s harder to get one “I wish my room smelled like Dunbar.” than it is to find parking on campus. But why all the “I know exactly where Rood Hall is.” it down. internship drama? Let’s break

“Did you read that awesome article in The Herald?”

07 07

“They need fewer booths in Bistro 3.” “I can tell you everything that I did last night.” sometimes it seems more logical to just get a job “Can I borrow your tail tomorrow?” at a restaurant for the summer so we can afford “WMU hockey sucks.” our already meager existence, even if it means we “So many open parking spaces!” won’t get a job after graduation. “I’ve never seen the 'Scott’s is buying gold, silver, and coins!’ commercial.” “OfYou’re coursenever I go 35good on West Michigan Ave.” enough: Sometimes it feels like noformatter howold much we volunteer or how “Thanks the Bible man.” many our since resume will just never “I’ve heldRSOs ontowe myjoin, eco-mug freshman year.” be good enough. feels likeat I should ‘Thanks garbage manItfor coming 6a.m.” have known what go I wanted to basketball be when I game was fourteen “Wanna to a WMU tonight?”years old so I could have been Express buildingtoo.” my resume with “I would’ve got rid of Panda work andgirls kissing ass. After you just “Did youexperience see all the hot at Parkview?” finally submitted anjumping application that feelbus.” good “I’ve never considered in front of you a WMU about, there is always that “why on earth would “Fight Broncos Fight…what’s the next line?” they choose me over “Sindecuse diagnosed me someone correctly.”else?” feeling that’s enough to make you drink yourself into a coma and “Thanks for awkwardly playing your guitar while I’m studyfail out. ing.” “Of course I remember your name.” “I think I’m going to go for St. Patrick’s Day.” Procrastination: Wehome are college students; our job is topong? waitNever until the last to do things. It’s the “Beer heard of minute it.” first you learnsmoke aboutweed.” surviving in college. But “Oh no thing thanks, I don’t while over having already applied to “Let’s go the to the recachievers between 6-8.” eight drink different in November and the “I don’t wine internships out of a box.” average population doesn’t evenout begin toflagpoles.” think “Let’s see what everyone is handing at the about it until February or March…well that’s just “They didn’t sell to me a TJ’s.” great. By time get around to actually applying, “It’s not UClub, it’swe Campus Habitat.” our application is added onto a pile of hundreds of “I’ll just have one beer tonight.” other hopefuls. “Solar panels, finally!” “Anyone want to live with me at Western View?” It’s the reality of internships. While this “I love the harsh new E-learning.” might feelonshit luck, let it “No man Imake have you to pass theout Denof Pop, I’mdon’t broke.” bring you down. Easier said than done, I know. But “I’m transferring to Central.”

“Jin Hau Lu Bajanstalki is my professor, YES!” “I’ll for sure pick you up from Miller at 2p.m.” Finding the damn things: BroncoJobs only goes so “President Dunn who?” far. As in…Kalamazoo far,and faceScoops.” it, we don’t “Wise choice replacing Taco Bell withlet’s Western want to be stuck in Michigan for the rest of our “I miss living in the Valleys.” lives. Don’t get me wrong, I would be lost without “Step on the W for good luck.” BroncoJobs, but after I apply for every internship “My fake worked at the Grotto, again.” on there where do I go? Google is fine and other in“Did you read that awesome article in The Herald?” ternship websites are good. And let’s all take a sec“Do you to staythat in this ondwant to admit weweekend?” ask our parents if they have a “Wendy’s always gets myororder recommendation knowright.” someone in our field who “I love walking classfree in the snow, bothlong. ways.” could useto some labor alluphill summer “Nursing is so easy to get into.” “How do you get to the flagpoles?” Paying the big bucks: Companies know that any ea“Let’s just walk home from Wayside.” ger college student will do anything to put a quality “I just need one minute to print something off in the lab.” internship on their resume. They use this eagerness “I’ve never got a parking ticket.” to their advantage by not paying us a dime. If you “So my girlfriend from Central…” get a paid internship, take it before I do. We can “I know exactly whyto there’s whale onlet campus. barely afford go toacollege, alone “work all we are college students; we drink all day then rally “Ew, Sweetwater’s.” summer 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. with no bank to show for andthat’s go out night. canWe’re conquer anything, Well, it,at that’s theWe issue. different aftereven all. “I understand go internship the wrong way in roundit. And ifwhy youpeople want to overseas or out of stupid internships. They say silence is golden, that may not necessarily be true, abouts.” state, good luck getting scholarships or financial but what you don’t say can tell you who you really are.

aid. While we all desperately want an internship,


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THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50

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After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS

TUESDAY: 60 Cent Hamm's Cans DJ 5-0

$1 Rolling Rock Cans Starting at Midnight

SAT, 3/31

$2.50 U-CALL ITS 3PM-1AM 1/2 OFF ENTREES

½ Off All Food and Drinks Noon-Midnight

$4 All Bombs, $4 Shot AND a Beer (well shot & domestic bottle) $10 Pizza AND Beer (large 1 topping & domestic pitcher) $1 Off All Bottles (6PM - Close)

SUN, 4/1

FUNDAY SUNDAY $3 Wells, $5 Domestic Pitchers $7 Bell's/Blue Moon Pitchers 3pm-1am $5 Medium Pepperoni Pizza GROTTOHLIC Discount Day

$3 Bloody Marys $2 Domestic 22oz Drafts $2 House Shots

Open for special events only. Call to find out what counts!

Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells

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$2 for 2 tacos 3-11pm $2.50 All BELL’S Beer $3.00 Long Island, Long Beach, Blue Island

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)? Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub!

“W” Club night (3PM - Close) Members Only, Ask About Joining! $3 Domestic Liters, $5 Specialty Liters & $5 Wings TEAM TRIVIA 8pm PK Passport Night: 1/2 Off Startup, $1 Off Bottles, $5 Wings

$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

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LIVE TEAM TRIVIA @ 8PM 1st Place $30, 2nd $20, 3rd $10 $3 Miller Lite Mugs 8pm-1am $3 Bacardi/Smirnoff (incl. flav) 9pm-1am GROTTOHLIC Discount Day

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$2.50 Pints of Bud Light and Miller Lt. 12-8 $3 U Call Its 9-1am Large, 1-Topping Pizza $7.99

Party Night! $3.50 Featured Domestic Bottles $4 Sex on the Beach

$.50 Rolling Rock Drafts $1.50 Well Drinks

SAT, 3/31

$12 Buckets of Beer Build Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3.99 Build Your Own Burger

Closed

1/2 Off ALL Food and Drink with WMU ID card or SIN card

SUN, 4/1

$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs $3.75 Premium and Specialty Mugs 35 cent Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings

Closed

$5 Man-Tini $5 1 Item Pizzas $3 Domestic Mugs

MON, 4/2

Service Industry Night! 1/2 Off! $6.50 Medium Pizza

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1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11

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The Bar Grid $1 PBR Pints ($2 in your mug if you're a mug club member) for all Detroit HOME games! $2.50 Tall Boys for ALL Detroit games (Miller Lt., Bud & Bud Lt., & PBR) STUDY HALL Daily 3-6 $1 PBR, $2.50 Well & Call Drinks New Fall 2011 TAPAS Menu: Everything $3 or Less!

THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50

Pitcher Night $6.25+ Mixed Drink Pitchers $5.50 Domestic Beer Pitchers $2 Waldo's Shots $1 Burgers

LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS

SPECIAL NIGHT

OBERON SEASON!!! Happy Hour Mon-Fri 3-7pm Detroit Sports Drink Specials DAILY FOOD SPECIALS

THURS, 4/5

Thirsty Thursday & Happy Hour 3-7pm $5 Handhelds (Burgers Wraps, Sandwiches) $2.25 Domestic Mugs 7-10pm $2.50 Bud/Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Wells $3 SoCo Lime Shots 9pm-1am

Progressive Wells from 8-12 Starting at $1.50

FRI, 4/6

T. GROTTO I. F. Happy Hour 3-7pm 2 For $20 ( 1 App, 2 Entrees or Med 3 Topping Pizza, 1 Dessert) $1 Rolling Rock Pints/PBR Bottles $3 Washington Apple Shots $4 Long Island/Long Beach 9pm-1am

19 and Up Night! w/ College ID $1 Domestic Pints $2 House Shots $5 Pizza

All Day Happy Hour (12PM - Close) $2.50 Wells and Calls

9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums

After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS

SATURDAY: ½ Off All food and Drinks Noon-Midnight

$1 Rolling Rock Cans Starting at Midnight

SAT, 4/7

$2.50 U-CALL ITS 3PM-1AM 1/2 OFF ENTREES

½ Off All Food and Drinks Noon-Midnight

$4 All Bombs $4 Shot AND a Beer (well shot & domestic bottle) $10 Pizza AND Beer (large 1 topping & domestic pitcher) $1 Off All Bottles (6PM - Close)

SUN, 4/8

FUNDAY SUNDAY $3 Wells, $5 Domestic Pitchers $7 Bell's/Blue Moon Pitchers 3pm-1am $5 Medium Pepperoni Pizza GROTTOHLIC Discount Day

$3 Bloody Marys $2 Domestic 22oz Drafts $2 House Shots

Open for special events only. Call to find out what counts!

Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells

Closed

$2 for 2 tacos 3-11pm $2.50 All BELL’S Beer $3.00 Long Island, Long Beach, Blue Island

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)? Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub!

“W” Club night (3PM - Close) Members Only, Ask About Joining! $3 Domestic Liters, $5 Specialty Liters & $5 Wings TEAM TRIVIA 8pm PK Passport Night: 1/2 Off Startup, $1 Off Bottles, $5 Wings

$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

Waldo's Vodka Night (6-Close) $3 Shots & Drinks $5 Martinis 1/2 Off Food for WMU and K College STAFF FREE POOL

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pts, $3.25 Super Prem Pts. $2.00 well drinks $4.00 double wells

(33% Off Any Regular Priced Food/Drink Item)

MON, 4/9

BURGERS AND BREWS $4 DELUXE Burger Basket (3-10) $1 PBR Pints (3pm-1am) $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Manager Choice Shots 9pm-1am GROTTOHLIC Discount Day

(33% Off Any Regular Priced Food/Drink Item)

TUES, 4/10

BOOZEDAY TUESDAY Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 ANYTHING 9pm-1am 50 CENT WINGS (9 Delicious Flavors)

WED, 4/11

LIVE TEAM TRIVIA @ 8PM 1st Place $30, 2nd $20, 3rd $10 $3 Miller Lite Mugs 8pm-1am $3 Bacardi/Smirnoff (incl. flav) 9pm-1am GROTTOHLIC Discount Day

Happy Hour 3-7pm

(33% Off Any Regular Priced Food/Drink Item)

60 Cent Hamm's Cans DJ 5-0

$2.50 22oz Miller Lite $2.75 Wells, $2 House Shots $1 Tacos & Karaoke Bags Tournament w/ Ca$h Prize


now hiring! JOBS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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THURSDAY: Mac Miller After Party 18+ Show! Tickets on sale NOW! Only $10 in advance!

FRIDAY Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys

1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11

SPECIAL NIGHT

Canadian Nights $3 Labatt and Molson $6.50 Medium Pizza Mac Miller After Party - 18+ Show! Tickets on sale NOW! Only $10 in advance!

Monster Thursday $3 Wells $3.50 Coronas 18+ Allowed!

College Night! $5.00 Martinis | $3.00 U Call It $7.50 Man-tini (6pm - 12am)

THURS, 4/5

Draft Night! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leinie Pints $4.99 3 Shot Martinis Dance Club Open $5.99 Lunch Specials

Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys

$1 Bud and Bud Light Pints $3.00 U Call It. | $7.50 Man-tini (6pm - 1am)

FRI, 4/6

$2.50 Pints of Bud Light and Miller Lt. 12-8 $3 U Call Its 9-1am 1-Topping Large Pizza $7.99

Party Night! $3.50 Featured Domestic Bottles $4 Sex on the Beach

$.50 Rolling Rock Drafts $1.50 Well Drinks

SAT, 4/7

$12 Buckets of Beer Build Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3.99 Build Your Own Burger

Closed

1/2 Off ALL Food and Drink with WMU ID card or SIN card

SUN, 4/8

$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs $3.75 Premium and Specialty Mugs 35 cent Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings

Closed

$5 Man-Tini $5 1 Item Pizzas $3 Domestic Mugs

MON, 4/9

Service Industry Night! 1/2 Off! $6.50 Medium Pizza

Closed

1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11

TUES, 4/10

College Night at Wayside $0.50 drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ Stoz Dance Club Open!

Closed

$2 Drafts and Pints (Open - 12) $12 Martini Sampler

WED, 4/11

Get on the grid! ads@theblacksheeponline.com

The Bar Grid


Sweeps Season: With sweeps season upon us we decided to highlight the best, the worst and the rest of first-season shows the only way we know how: In the most juvenile way possible.

Happy Endings (ABC)

Marry, Bang, Kill Edition

Marry!

In a sentence: Attractive twenty-somethings act like attractive twenty-somethings.

Why we’re proposing: Sure, you may not like Zooey Deschanel. “She’s too purposely quirky!” you say. “Even when she’s supposed to be upset, she comes off like a sad koala!” says another person. “Her acting skills are ruff at best!” says the dog TV critic.

Happy Endings is ridiculous in how ridiculous it isn’t. The show refuses to get by on lame comedy gags and overdone tropes, and manages to find humor in having the characters act in a way that people actually act, but funnier.

To you we say, “Who gives a shit?”

That’s Happy Endings now. It shows how goofy assumedly normal people can be in their private lives. Not all investment bankers are huge dicks? You don’t say! A food truck owner that doesn’t The show is full of plausible scenarios execut- have to be some overly-quirky buffoon hell-bend on remaining that way? Zuh? ed in funny ways. Remember early episodes of How I Met Your Mother, before you just A comedy based in reality, teased out to be wanted the damn show to end so Ted Mosby hilarious? Well, we’ll be damned. could just get on with his miserable life?

Person of Interest (CBS) Ba ng! In a sentence: The weird guy from Lost hires Jesus to kick some ass and take some names.

Which of the following shows maintains a more likely premise:

Well-endowed lesbian nuns fly armed-to-theteeth cyborg dragons through space in an attempt to rid the universe of alien pedophiles.

It’s certainly a lot closer than one would think. Yet, the show kinda-sorta works. Person of Interest sticks closely to its premise, is well-casted, and presents interesting scenarios with each new episode. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of hours to fill in a programming schedule, and to fill them without making the viewer want to throw their remote through the TV with disgust is certain worthy of some praise.?

Kill!

There’s the stale jokes: Kat Dennings has big boobs! The other girl is blonde! Creeps! Horn-dogs! There’s the flat premise: Life is hard for two gals just a-tryin to make it in the big city, LOL!

Or, think about it this way: Without Miss. D. New Girl would be terrible. Replace her with Laura Prepon? Horrible. Jenna Fischer? Surely you jest! That one girl from that other thing? No way! The show isn’t terrible, and we can all thank her for that. Heil, er…thanks, Zooey!

In a sentence: Wait, someone explain to us why people have children?

Bang!

But strip those cast members away and look at where Up All Night stands right now. Eh. Maybe it’s the subject matter—it’s hard to relate to the perils of child rearing when you haven’t done it yourself. Like a clown falling off the Empire State Building, we know that the situations the couple is led into should be funny, but when face meets pavement it’s a sad, empty feeling more than it is a laugh.

sodes, and the moral each story: Premise: The parents cope with traveling with a child for the first time. Moral: Don’t have kids if you like seeing cool shit. Premise: After the baby, the marriage is lacking in sex. Moral: Do you like sex? Don’t have kids. This was supposed to be a comedy, right?

Alcatraz (Fox) In a sentence: Hey look, someone thought the fat guy from Lost deserved his own TV show!

Kill!

Why it should die: Alcatraz is little more than a extravagant mad lib done up with dark undertones and pseudo-science writing in an attempt to lure in a sizable chunk of Lost fans fiending for another psychodrama fix.

Why it should die: Though we respect the religious beliefs of others, we find it impossible to come to terms with the idea that one could believe in a higher power in light of 2 Broke Girls’ existence. That may sound a little harsh, but the show is truly an affront to whichever god you worship.

henchmen, hearing of the Hebrew Holocaust. That…uh…didn’t work so we—Zooey Deschanel, everyone!

Up All Night (NBC)

Seriously, look at the premise of two epi-

2 Broke Girls (CBS) In a sentence: Hot girls make fun of vaguelydefined stereotypes while looking hot, just like high school!

New Girl is the perfect vehicle for all of Zooey Deschanel’s wild, wacky quirks. She manages to evoke grins, giggles and guffaws in equal doses simply by being herself. Seriously, she’s so stinkin’ adorable that we can’t control our childish choice to chain words together into alliterative sentences. What else does that work with? Let’s find out: The cute and cuddly kitten clawed clumsily at the creased corduroys. How adorable! On the other hand: Hitler happily high-fived his

Why we want to bang it: Will Arnett gets a lifetime pass for Arrested Development, Christina Applegate is above average in everything she stars in, and Maya Rudolph has a strong enough comedy portfolio to make us believe that this show has the potential to go beyond where it is now.

Why we want to bang it: In short, few shows get as much mileage out of willful suspension of disbelief as Person of Interest does.

Or,

Marry!

In a sentence: Aww…Zooey Deschanel!

Why we’re proposing: Yes, we’re kinda cheating with a show that technically debuted a year ago, but the fall schedule offered Happy Endings its first chance at a full-slate season. This is a good thing.

Altruistic genius billionaire conceives of a way to identify villains and victims prior to crimes being committed. As a result, he hires an ex-CIA field officer to take care of his dirty work.

New Girl (FOX)

There’s the oddly racist ensemble cast featuring a nerdy Asian, a creepy Eastern European cook and the token black guy. Then there’s the laugh track. Nothing says, “we think the show’s demographic is a group of vegetative-state slapdicks” like a laugh track. It’s like the producers are screaming, “she spilled soup on her tits, laugh, monkeys! Do it now so Chevy will buy some more truckin’ ads!”

One can easily picture the writing room, a bunch of suits lording over feeble, weakwilled writers willing to put pen to paper for a quick paycheck. Every time a writer submits a draft, it’s sent back moments later with notes littered with impossible-to-decipher demands like, “needs more intrigue” or “lacking techno mumbo-jumbo.” The end result is a show that just kind of exists for the sake of existing. To make a food

allegory that only Hurley could love, it would be like ten chefs trying to cook the same steak. Each one would try to improve the cut of meat in their own way. One would broil it. Another would move it to a grill, someone would try to pan fry it. In the end, it’s a charred husk of its former self. At this point the guests don’t want to eat it, but they’re thinking, “well, we already drove here, why the hell not?”


the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Bad Veins

Bad Veins, a rock duo hailing from lovely Cincinnati, Ohio, are an up-and coming band known for melding a unique sound with pop sensibility. Frontman Benjamin Davis chatted with us about just that prior to the release of their album, The Mess We Made, debuting on April 24th. The Black Sheep: Your new album, The Mess We’ve Made, drops on April 24th. How did, or how does, the creative process work in a band that only has two members? Benjamin Davis: Well, that’s a loaded question. I think that a four-piece band would be a lot different from how we do it. Undeniably, I am a control freak, and I have my hand in everything. That’s even true with [drummer] Sebastien’s work. With just us two, we talk openly about ideas all the time, and I have to try to create room for him to be creative. TBS: Bad Veins was intended to be a solo project for you, but you later found Sebastien and wanted him to be a part of the work, correct? Ben: Yeah. For me, he had the work ethic I was looking for in a bandmate. A lot of people don’t believe that one could be a musician for a living, and they don’t understand the baby steps a group needs to take to get there. There’s that old saying, “The difference between a goal and a dream is a plan.” I feel like most people don’t have that plan, and a lot of other bands think, “Well, we’ll never be big, so why practice?” Sebastien saw that there are achievable goals and wants to put in the work to make it happen. That’s a rare trait in a person.

cd review

ofwgkta the of tape, vol 2 Odd Future delivers yet again, one swear word at a time.

After putting themselves on the map last year and slapping us all in the face with their hardcore beats, OFWGKTA (more simply referred to as Odd Future) has come back to grace our presence with their fourth album, The OF Tape, Vol. 2. Last summer’s emergence of The Odd Future Tape was actually made in 2008, but came to the public's attention (more or less) when they were put on the Pitchfork Music Festival line-up. So, naturally, everyone started freaking out about them. They swear a lot, and "misogynistic" doesn’t even seem like a harsh enough term to describe these dudes who casually rap about graphic rape. But, we’ve had a year to digest their intensity, and I’d like to think we’re all over the initial shock value (primarily brought forth by the infamous, yet bratty frontman, Tyler, the Creator). No, this time around we can really listen to their music, be entertained by their seriously wacky antics and focus less on their shtick. The first single is “Rella,” which came out with an equally entertaining music video. The beat is fast and subtle, with the rap flow as crisp as the lyrics are witty (“Then my dick went limp so, took about

3 pills of Extenzo / Now my dick’s longer than a 5 door limo.”) It’s also nice to see that Frank Ocean is still with the group (after being featured on a few tracks for Kanye and Jay-Z’s mega-collaboration Watch the Throne, I could see Tyler’s bitchass getting pissy about it, but it’s cool to see they’re still “homies” or something). His truly great singing voice is also refreshing to the normally scrappy rapping, especially in “Analog 2.” Just about every song on The OF Tape, Vol. 2. has something about it that makes it different from the one before it, and that’s ultimately what makes this album so great. For some bizarre reason, however, there are two songs, “50” and “We Got Bitches,” that sound as though they were produced differently, or recorded differently, or something. They sound so out of place, so much less… polished—it sounds so thrown together that it’s kind of funny. “We Got Bitches,” especially, is like a throwback to a terrible wannabe rapper who brags way too much about what they’ve got when they really just got an album advance and will be in serious debt in about a year: “We got bitches, we got bitches, we got bitches.

out now

TBS: You talk about having your hand in a lot of the music behind this band, but how has Sebastien’s presence shaped the group? Ben: What Seb brings to the band is incredible, because I would not or could not do what we do without him. I often compare him to the Muppet Animal. They’re both drummers, they’re both crazy and if you add an Animal to your band, you’d have to keep them under control, making sure that they’re fitting into the world you’re working in. TBS: How do you view your new album in light of your other work? Ben: I don’t think that our dynamic has changed between the first two records—we approach making music the same way. On this album, though, I had a lot more attention to detail, and there’s a lot more to listen to—to wrap your brain around—and that’s largely because I spent more time composing and arranging on this album.

GRADE A-

We got diamonds, we got diamonds, we got diamonds. We got cars, we got cars, we got cars. We got Jacuzzis, and your bitch be on my dick.” Cool…and original! Bitches, diamonds, cars, Jacuzzis. So, party it’s like it’s 1999? At the end of the day, though, for a group of ambitious and confident rappers who barely qualify as 20-somethings, these dudes have a sweet future in front of them. Last summer it would have been easy to write them off as a one-time deal that were just wilin’ out and got lucky with a few songs, had some laughs, and got into some trouble. The truth is, these guys have talent. And that talent is blatantly apparent on this album. OFWGKTA knows how to draw in fans (by putting Tyler’s face and beautiful long locks as the head of a centaur who also happens to be a fan of coke) and also how to keep them (by continuing to make awesome rap music). Sounds Like: A passive-aggressive man who somehow still has swagger. Download: Rella, Lean, Oldie Listen to it When: You’re fittin’ to get hype.

TBS: How do you strike the balance between doing right by your fans and maintaining a fresh sound? Ben: Seb and I both really love pop music. We like rock—when we’re on tour we’ll have some Zeppelin or some Sabbath—but we’ll also get into Katy Perry or Fleetwood Mac. Anything that has accessibility and pop sensibility we like. I feel like I have to make that music, and coincidentally other people seem to like it. So, the harder I work at my craft, the closer I actually get to pop music. TBS: You won the Target Music Maker Award, as well as a few other accolades. How do you qualify that in your terms of success? Ben: I definitely don’t revel in awards. If anything I’m cursed with the “now what?” syndrome, where I can never enjoy anything because I want to figure out what’s next. Sometimes that’s good—it keeps you going and makes you want to get better, but at the same time you never enjoy it. TBS: When you tour do you find you have a hard time translating your sound? Ben: We use the old binary reel-to-reel tape deck and we place it center stage for a live show. So, while we’re not trying to recreate the album live, the elements of it are there. We don’t try to trick anyone into thinking we’re reproducing the sound ourselves, though. TBS: And what are one of these live shows like? Ben: You should expect to hear things you don’t normally hear, because of the backing tracks we choose to use. Harps, woodwinds, brass, lush arrangements to flesh out the music. Now you don’t see that stuff a lot.

UPCOMING RELEASES Lionel Richie - Tuskegee Madonna - MDNA

Overkill - The Electric Age Flying Colors - Flying Colors

Iron Maiden - En Vivo! Justin Townes Earle - Nothing's Going to Change...

Britt Nocle -Gold Clay Aiken - Steadfast


www.theblacksheeponline.com

15

Issue

Bartender

of the

Age: 19 Nickname: J-Dog

Favorite Pick Up Line: “What size shoe do you wear baby? I’m gonna guess size sexy.”

Status: Sophomore Major: Undecided Drink Recipe: Cheshire Cat- Spiced rum, peach schnapps and orange juice

ki

ls o k a J e d a J wayside

the glass window of the dance room thinking it was just an opening.

parmesan cheese and peppers

Shot recipe: Sex With an Alligator- Shot of melon liquor chilled with sour and pineapple mixed with Jaegar and black raspberry schnapps I Dare You: Pond ScumTequila sprinkled with

Number one thing on your bucket list: Travel to Australia, ever since seeing Finding Nemo.

If you could punch a celeb in the face who would it be: The entire cast of Jersey Shore, except Snooki because she’s preggo now.

Most awesome place you’ve hooked up: In a cave up north.

Which celeb would you have sex with: Ryan Gosling Funniest thing you’ve seen on the job: Someone ran through

Turn ons: Nice teeth and blue eyes. Turn offs: Bad breath and when guys randomly spit. Blondes or brunettes: Brunettes.

Meet The Staff!

Happy Hour

campus manager Dana Borzea

MONDAY-FRIDAY 3-7PM thegrottoatcapones.com | 269.276.7000

(269) 343-7482 pitapitusa.com

Awesome Daily Food Specials!

Contributing Writers Vanessa Legutko Kelly Weatherwax Kyle Duberville Hannah Weyer Katie Batt Michael Oszust Mitch Barnett Andrea Walker Cody Kimball Lulu Kourdie Samuel Howard Distribution Manager Chase Olender

Advertising ManagerS Nate Boyer John Williamson pr team You? campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham

Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com ads@theblacksheeponline.com

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WMU - 3/28/12 - v04i06  

Western Michigan Spring 2012 Issue 6