The Black Sheep
Fr Oh ee...li wa ke it, th it's at d a p ollar oo dol bill! lar .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @Black_Sheep_WMU
Volume 4, Issue 6 3/29/12 - 4/11/12
So, your sibling wants to be a Chippewa? Hannah Weyer wrote this
Making mistakes is a vital part of growing up. Young adults are bound to dare each other to eat an entire anchovy pizza in one sitting, or participate in way too many keg stands or, for the real stupid, buy a Nickelback CD. Making mistakes is how we test the limits of our capabilities and gain a fuller understanding of the world and where we stand in it. All of us here at WMU had, or still have, those moments of introspection that come with wiping out while longboarding down a hill. So, most of us can be sympathetic, or even supportive, when our little brothers and sisters do something even more moronic. But there is one mistake that no Bronco worth their hide can abide by- one heinous, appalling, stupid mistake that can and will tear your family apart by its seams and motorboat its corpse. Going to Central. It doesn't happen very often, but Broncos whose siblings have allied themselves with the Chips must take swift and brutal action the moment their little brother or sister announces their intent to apply. Be subtle. Be nurturing. But squash that Central-shaped bug in their system faster than you can say “Fuck the Chips.” I’ve compiled a list of ways to complete this mission before it’s too late and disowning them is your only option. Hurry, we don’t have much time! Bring them to visit WMU: Western Michigan University is awesome. Aside from an incredible campus and super sweet papers like The Black Sheep, the people here are fucking rad. We have goofy drunks and daredevil drunks, loud drunks, stoner drunks, affectionate drunks, hungry, weepy and happy drunks, naked drunks, passed out drunks, naked passed out drunks and Mormons. There's no better display of diversity in all of Michigan, and if your sibling doesn't love the people here, then she doesn't love you. If that’s the case then Grand Valley University would be a better option… Talk up WMU: Obviously. Tell your brother about the raging parties. Tell your sister about the amazing professors. Talk about how a class inspired you to volunteer at a nursing home on weekends (but don't mention what you really
Other stuff
Inside
Surviving on the Cheap
did every weekend instead.) When you're home, flip on a WMU game and let your family see how enthusiastically you cheer for "sports ball". Subtly mention how you heard that the Central quarter-defender is out for the season because his gonorrhea spread to his eyeballs. Hit them: This is an advanced psychological manipulation technique. Every time your little brother or sister mentions Central, hit them. If you're doing it right, very soon they will learn to correctly associate words like "CMU," "Chips," "Central" and "slutty bitch" with physical pain. Because this is so subtle, they won't understand WHY their arm hurts when they speak That Which Must Not Be Named, just that Central is a thing that causes pain. Let them visit Central: Sending your innocent little
sibling into enemy territory seems like a terrible idea, at first. Instead, it’s exactly the reason why your little Bilbo needs a suitable Gandalf to guide them. With a fake beard and a big stick, you or a trustworthy friend can sneak into Mordor itself to point out the atrocities The Eye has committed. Look upon the wretched souls, twisted with stupidity and STDs. Look, I say! Steel your nerves don't let your sibling see how the creatures disgust you! They will see the herpes-ridden goblins for themselves and they will understand that you are trying to keep them from Central out of love. They will never doubt you again. If none of these techniques work for your sibling and they actually become a student at CUM... oh pardon my spelling error I suppose I meant CMU… there’s nothing left that you can do. Let the process of disowning begin.
A Guide to Getting by for the rest of the semester.
"Stop or we'll shoot" has nothing to do with shots, people.
a fun way to enjoy your summer and make some money... But not.
see page 4
see page 5
see page 7
Decoding What You Hear on A Night Out The Truth About Internships