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The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 4, Issue 3 2/9/12 - 2/22/12

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Michigan Chic

Hannah Weyer wrote this

Michiganders have always been a little strange. Who the hell put a C instead of a W at the end of Mackinac? We’re the only people that have a permanent map on our hand.

It’s an inevitable evolution: Anyone who chooses to spend their life in a state that consistently ignores the weather norms for the season with blizzards in April or thaws in December must themselves be slightly insane. And then they meet other slightly insane people who also stayed in the state, fall in slightly insane love and have less slightly insane little babies. It’s a cycle, and one that has produced many insane gems, such as Tim Allen, Kid Rock and Ted Nugent.

I’ve lived here all my life, which says something for my sanity, and sometimes even I’m completely baffled by the state. Michigan is better at keeping our relationship interesting than a bipolar nymphomaniac with a leather fetish. But as surprising as 40 degrees in February is, the recent beautiful weather is not nearly as shocking as the first time you see someone wearing Michigan Chic. Prepare yourself a box of self-pity tissues, NYC and Paris, the fashion capitals, might be transferred to the good ol’ Great Lakes State.

Michigan Chic, for lack of a suitably “WTF” name, is a clothing trend that has been popping up all over campus. A student wears a thick winter coat, warm boots, a hat, a scarf and shorts. Not even long shorts; pretty much just Spanx. And his girlfriend wears an even shorter skirt.

Read that again and try to create a mental picture. Have you stopped to consider how truly Michigan-level insane it is to wear something half-meant for snow and half-meant for the beach? Try to picture her thought process as she laid out her outfit for the day.

Coat: Sure. It’s February. I can understand that. And the thick felty-plaidish ones are pretty.

Hat: Absolutely. Hats are a fashion staple in winter. And ushankas are adorable, no matter what my fifteen-year-old sister sniggers about mine, even though her love of Uggs forbids her from ever having another opinion about fashion. Yeah, I said it.

Boots: Yes. Line ‘em with faux fur and wrap that toasty goodness around your toes. Even Wellies are good, and they have the added function of never letting your socks get wet.

Shorts:…Even in a hypothetical situation, I cannot justify the shorts.

I can appreciate that lately the weather has allowed for such a strange and top-heavy fashion statement. But Michigan Chic wouldn’t truly be a product of Michigan if it didn’t have the flavorings of insanity. The next time it snows- and it will, it’s Michigan- pay at-

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tention to what everyone’s wearing. Hand to God, you will see girls wading through the blizzard in their shorts. And your heart will go out to them for a brief second, before you see that those crazy bitches ain’t even shivering- generations of Michigan breeding have given them both a dangerous insanity and blood hotter than molten steel.

I’m not making fun, oh dear Michigan brethren. Anyone as bat shit nuts as a Michigan Chic model is not someone I’d ever want to piss off. I’m simply pointing out an interesting and altogether flattering trend. Your butt has truly never looked better than when it’s framed by one of those arctic coats from the L.L. Bean catalog and the skirt you bought for the beach party six months ago. And even if I don’t quite embrace the fashion statement, watching you crazy freaks makes me more proud of my state than pointing at my palm ever did. Rock on, crazycakes. Rock the hell on.

Sometimes just because you can, doesn’t mean you shoud.

This is assuming you go to the library, of course.

Ways to Survive This Valentine’s Day

see page 4

see page 5

see page 7

A Statement on Body Statements

People You Meet At The Waldo Library

The Top Ten

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page three

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Surprisingly, this wasn't the strangest fetish party we've been to.

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Definition: Any argument that is a direct result of two people fighting over one woman.

The herfuffle between Keith and Marshall hit an apex when Marshall took Amanda ice skating over the weekend.

04

THe top ten Musts For a Bronco's 21st Birthday celebrations come once a year, but a 21st birthday celebration is once in a lifetime. Yes, I know that’s an obvious fact I’m just trying to be sentimental here ya fuck. This birthday is a right of passage. You’ve spent years running through forests away from cops, stealing liquor from your parent’s basement, and hours trying to find someone to buy for you. You have earned this celebration. There are 10 things that every WMU student MUST do on this glorious day.

10) Hand down your fake ID: If you’re lucky enough to have had another alter ego for the past few years, you should share that joy. Pick a friend of yours that kinda somewhat a little resembles you, and hand it down. If you’re a girl the only thing that matters is the hair color.

Make a difference in a minor’s life.

9) Buy alcohol at The Den: Everyone has seen the “Wall of Shame” filled with fake IDs behind the counter. If anyone has ever bought there with a fake, we applaud you. For the other 99% of students who haven’t accomplished that awesomeness, on your big day you know you’re going to walk in with a grin and confidently flash that horizontal license.

a statement on body statements Kelly Weatherwax wrote this Our bodies have always been a canvas used to make a statement since before fashion had come about. It’s the one thing that a person has always had complete control over, when they’re 18 and living in America, at least. Your body! You can pierce it, ink it, wear the ugliest clothes on it, whatever! But in this day and age it might get a little freaky, statements that have been made on the human body are pushing limits further than before, from tattoos to piercings, to every kind of body “art”.

If you go to our trusty friend Google and type in the words “the worst tattoos ever,” I advise you to be cautious of what you click on. The first hit is a webpage with a picture of a tramp stamp that says “Semen Demon.” Can you imagine what that will look like in fifty years? Can you imagine what “that” will look like in fifty years? If you’re not already disturbed enough to stop reading, the picture below that fine piece of art is a stick man body placed under a nipple...I’m serious. As you scroll more you’re shocked by images of “pussy eater” above a man’s lip, a dolphin smoking a joint, and a BlackBerry phone with “iPhone Sucks” scrawled underneath it.

You’ll also see face tattoos, which are about as acceptable as walking around naked; you don’t fucking do it if you want to be an active member of society.

their back. But wait, the cringing doesn’t stop there! The individual then proceeds to wrap ribbon between them to resemble a tied-up corset made out of their skin…yup that really exists. Good luck never being able to sleep or play contact sports.

Browsing the list of diverse piercings, you will come across “Pregnancy Jewelry.” First Teen Mom, then teen pregnancy clothing lines, now this bullshit? Our society hit an all-time low with this category. If the thought of pregnancy jewelry isn’t bad enough I know exactly what will make you want to yack your dinner: Pimped out genitals.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, there are human beings who put bling on their between-thelegs bumps. This is one of those things that you’ll hear about, but never really believe that anyone would do something so ridiculous and painful, until you see the graphic images on Google.

"face tattoos are about as acceptable as walking around naked."

As if tattoos don’t take it far enough, these days piercings are pushing limits as well. Eyebrow hoops and nipple piercings have been around for a while, but for some reason people believe they need to look extra cool and different from everyone else. One of the most painful and odd piercings I’ve seen is the corset. Let me create a visual for you: An individual - one with obvious daddy issues - has piercings going up and down in two lines down

Our society has come very far, positively, from believing that tattoos and piercings were wrong, to employers openly hiring tattooed individuals without judgment. Less judgment is always great news to our envelope-pushing generation! But, when is it too much? I think we all can agree that lists starts with the face tattoos. Yes, Mike Tyson is number one. If you visit the Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum in New York City you will meet a man whose body is completely tattooed from head to toe, although it’s not the most ideal of jobs, he too has found a gig, when just a mere ten years ago that would be unheard of.

So, tat it up, pierce it out, combine the two however you like. But if you literally put “stupid” on your forehead like one man did…then you get what you deserve, STUPID!

8) Purchase for those less fortunate: When we say “less fortunate,” we mean those who are legally not allowed to purchase the drank that makes life a little better. So, take a moment to swing by Meijer and get those freshmen friends from your high school some Burnett’s. You’ll need all the good karma you can get for later.

7) Go to The Grotto: The Grotto’s ability to catch fake IDs is unnatural. The chances of your fake working here are no better than chances of it working if you showed it to a cop.

Even on your birthday make sure you bring double form of ID, they’ll deny you otherwise.

6) Take a Prairie Fire shot: This bad boy includes one part tequila or whiskey, with one part Tabasco hot sauce, then sprinkle pepper for taste purposes. Disgusting? Don’t be a pussy, just do it.

5) Belligerent karaoke at Big Deals: You + drinks + a microphone = the best rendition of “Birthday Sex” of all time.

Your slurred words will add that extra entertainment. Use the buddy system while you’re on stage to prevent head trauma if you fall.

4) Let people sing you “Happy Birthday”: We don’t care if you’re embarrassed by the thought of being the center of attention while an entire bar sings to you, it’s a birthday must. If you love being the center of attention, this will be even better than the 127 birthday wish notifications on Facebook from people you don’t know.

3) Yell, Yell, Yell!: If something needs to be said, yell it.

Notify everyone around you that it’s your birthday, you’re drunk, and how badly you want to have sex with anyone in the vicinity. Any other comments that you probably shouldn’t be yelling in public, yell.

2) Order a drunken feast: No mac and cheese for you!

Pita Pit? Spice and Rice? Anything that’s usually out of your price range for the drunken munchies…get it! The thought of a Philly steak Pita Pit wrap after leaving the bars sounds godly.

1) Mission Impossible (To remember): It’s a requirement that you must get as annihilated as humanly possible, without dying of course. We’re talking freshman year welcome week hammered.

dana borzea wrote this

05

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Hipsterism: Since when did it become cool to look homeless?

Mitch Barnett wrote this

As I walk around campus every day I can’t help but think, “What is happening to our generation?” What I see is a group of people not creating their own style or culture, but mirroring subcultures of the ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s hippies, rockers, and punks.

The only definite thing that I’ve come to find about these “hipsters” is that nobody wants to be one, even them.

These people are truly self-loathing bums. It might sound strange, but it seems hipsters hate hipsters more than they hate anyone else. Calling someone a "hipster" has become one of the worst insults you can bestow upon somebody. If you want to completely discredit someone and everything they stand for, just break out the H-word and watch their credibility go down the drain. Once you’ve been dubbed a hipster, you become meaningless. Even worse, you instantly become that guy.

The thing is, I don’t know what specifically bothers me the most about ‘them.’ It’s not just one thing, but a collection of annoyances. It’s their food, their music and sense of entitlement. It’s also the most physically noticeable aspect, the way they dress. Most days I don’t know if these people are actually in my class or if I should give them the loose change in my pocket.

a regular basis?

In hipsterism, they always eat organically. They shop at Whole Foods and eat locally grown corn, or so they say. They are always talking about how they are not just vegetarian, but are vegan, which is like a whole lot better for you and it totally saves more animals, and I just don’t care.

The music is another thing that really grinds my gears. People involved with hipsterism will like a band and talk them up so much until I can’t stand it any more. They judge bands based off of what it says on Pitchfork and then stop following them as soon as they hear it on the radio. And I always thought the point of liking a band was to follow them and learn everything you can about them.

The thing that probably bothers me the most out of all of these annoyances is the hipsters’ sense of self entitlement.

They think they are suffering so much, but shopping at Goodwill just to have the appearance and driving around in your nice fancy car is pretty contradicting.

After having watched and researched hipsters, I’ve created my own definition. Hipsterism is a subculture of relatively young middle class students and older teens who Every day when I see these people, I can’t help but think are mostly interested in independent films, older clothing that they look homeless. They wear raggy pants, old 1990s styles, and Pitchfork media. And they also share a sincere trench coats and hats so large that sometimes I can’t tell if passion for throwing their obscure knowledge in your face. it’s actually a hat or just a really large sock. I mean, since What a group of cool dudes. when did it become cool to purposely appear homeless on

The five people you meet at the Waldo Library Kelly Weatherwax wrote this

If Mos Eisley is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, then the Western Michigan campus isn’t much better. We mean that in a good way, of course. Where else could one find Michiganites roaming around in such different states at all hours of the day? Still, there’s a core—a heart—of this madness, and it’s the Waldo Library. Below are the five kinds of weirdos you meet at Waldo.

The Club Lib Student: This student only ever steps foot into the library on finals week, because “Club Lib” is the place to be. Said student has always slid by studying right before class and been able to join in class discussions just because they know their way with words.

His philosophical mindset is basically, “Time is never wasted if you’re wasted all the time.” The majority of his time at the library will be spent on the second floor walking around, Facebooking, and talking really loud to his friends about last weekend’s happenings. If you are sitting anywhere near this annoying excuse for a college student, get up and move before you word vomit “Shut the fuck up!” at him. It will happen so fast you won’t even realize you did it until he's giving you dirty looks and talking even louder. The Club Libbers will leave having the same amount done as they had when they arrived.

Let’s Play Our Music Obnoxiously Loud Student: He annoys everyone around him, and “annoy” is an understatement. He’s the one that has his music blasting, but since Drake is screaming at the entire floor through his headphones, he sees nothing wrong with it. Honestly, how does he not understand one’s ears are not meant to take such abuse? It’s not okay to be able to hear your music a seat away, let alone three tables away. If you’re getting dirty looks from everyone around you, seeing people constantly sitting down and getting up around you and finding yourself asking “what’d you say” on a daily basis, you are this person. Do us all a favor, turn it down.

The A.D.D. Student: He might be found doing homework, but come by twenty minutes later and he’ll be

killing an hour on Facebook. Or you might catch him walking around starring at the weird paintings, outlining the picture on his textbook, or anything else completely unproductive like checking out all the girls wearing yoga pants that walk by or stopping by Smoothie King on the second floor to kill some time. He does get some stuff done, but he has to spend double the time at the library to finish it. He can’t help the lack of concentration, but don’t pity him, he’s not the person you want to go to the library to study with.

The Overachiever: This student is the mayor of Waldo Library on Foursquare. They are posted up doing work every day in their reserved cubby by the window. They come alone to the library and do not talk to a single soul while inside. Facebook is out of the question. Their cellphones are turned off and they have headphones in their ears playing classical music to drown own the sounds of other students breathing around them. They’re coming to the library for one thing and one thing only and that is to GSDADB (get shit done all day, baby), and that they will. The only thing louder than the classical music blasting in their ears is their parents’ voice screaming “you can do better!”

The Hungover Student: You will find this student at the library on Sundays, still reeking of booze from the weekend and with 7-Eleven’s largest size coffee in hand.

We should all give them props for getting up, even if it’s 3 p.m., and actually getting to the library. While at the lib they will tackle some homework, in between running to the bathroom to throw up and having flashbacks from their epic weekend of being a natural Bronco and suffering through three crazy nights of vodka-induced haziness.

If you see someone running, don’t panic because it’s just probably the hung-over student trying to savor some of the dignity he still has left.

That’s it. That’s the list of crazies. Don’t think you’re one of them? Take a look in the mirror, pal, you’re probably more insane than them all.

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top ten ways to survive this valentine's day Vanessa leiner wrote this All my single ladies…and guys…while the single life is where it’s at on the weekends, Valentine’s Day will not do you any favors in playing down the hot pink and roses. So, here are some tips and tricks to help you survive this Valentine’s Day without doing something drastic, like getting a Match.com account.

10) Stay off of Facebook: Do yourself a favor and avoid seeing all of those mobile uploads of flowers, new gifts and sappy status. More importantly, avoid being that person whose status is bitching about being alone or how you want everyone whose status is “I love my girlfriend so much” to jump off a cliff. Save yourself and stay off.

9) Guys, watch some dude movies: Don’t give that girl who rejected you or a second thought this Valentine’s Day. You deserve better, and what better way to remember that there are more fish in the sea then to sit down with your bros and watch some hot babes on TV? Pop in Transformers because who doesn’t want to watch Megan Fox run around and fight off robots?

Okay so maybe Megan Fox isn’t your Valentine, but that bod will make you forget about your female problems.

8) Ladies, avoid romance movies: Unless you want to sit, cry and yell at the TV about why you don’t have a Noah in your life as you watch The Notebook, stick to a late night flick along the lines of Saw or Step Brothers.

7) Avoid grocery stores at all costs: Walgreens, Meijer and Wal-Mart will have outrageous displays of red roses and candy. This will only rub in the fact that you are single, causing extreme bouts of nausea. Chances are there will be hanging hearts and other cheesy decorations that might tempt you into tearing them down and ripping them into pieces in the middle of the store. Avoid the embarrassment of such a breakdown and stay far, far away.

6) Don’t raid your fridge: Make sure you do a pre-Valentine’s Day clean-out of you fridge to eliminate all the frosting, raw cookie dough or chocolate syrup that may be hiding somewhere.

The last thing you need is to be awake at 1 a.m. feeling sorry for yourself and accidentally dive mouth-first into the fridge.

5) Don’t have a pity party: No one gives a shit that you are in bed, holding your blanket and having a sob session over some stupid romance movie. Pull yourself together. Do you really want to deal with a boyfriend or girlfriend? No! This is college, the best years of your life; live it up, make bad choices and report to no one.

4) Forget your worries with a box of wine: Hopefully you will just fall asleep and wake up tomorrow, not even remembering that Valentine’s Day ever happened. Just don’t take your problems to the bar and end up being a hot, crying mess in public. This rule applies to the other 364 days of the year as well.

3) Send that, “Hey, what are you doing?” text at 1 a.m. to your go-to booty call: If he or she is single - which I hope for your moral value they are - you can send that text earlier than usual. Misery loves company…and sex.

2) Don’t contact your ex: Whether they don’t respond or they’re being a dick, it will ruin the rest of your night. Nothing good will come from it. Worse comes to worst, resort back to #3 and you’ll be way better off.

1) If all else fails change the date on your laptop and cell phone to February 15th just like Valentine’s Day 2012 never happened: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

NOW HIRING! So there you are, sitting in class (well, not really since you’re reading this) and you think to yourself, “Man, I wish I could be doing something fun right now...like writing about how much I hate campus parking, or why my friend who went to Central is now the biggest douchebag in the world!” Well good news—we want to cover those topics and more! Or maybe you want to market our awesome mobile apps and our website? Or you want to throw parties? Whatever it is, we want you on board...now!

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The Bar Grid

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The Bar Grid $1 PBR Pints ($2 in your mug if you're a mug club member) for all Detroit HOME games! $2.50 Tall Boys for ALL Detroit games (Miller Lt., Bud & Bud Lt., & PBR) STUDY HALL Daily 3-6 $1 PBR, $2.50 Well & Call Drinks New Fall 2011 TAPAS Menu: Everything $3 or Less!

THURS/SAT: 9 to Close Half-Price Drinks EVERY NIGHT After 10pmReg Stix w/Dill $2.50, Chzy Stix w/dill $3.50

Pitcher Night $6.25+ Mixed Drink Pitchers $5.50 Domestic Beer Pitchers $2 Waldo's Shots $1 Burgers

LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS

$1 Domestic Drafts $2 House Shots

All Day Happy Hour (12PM - Close) $2.50 Wells and Calls

9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums

SAT, 2/18

½ Off All food and Drinks Noon-Midnight

$4 All Bombs $4 Shot AND a Beer (well shot & domestic bottle) $10 Pizza AND Beer (large 1 topping & domestic pitcher) $1 Off All Bottles (6PM - Close)

After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS

SUN, 2/19

$3 Bloody Marys $2 Domestic 22oz Drafts $2 House Shots

Open for special events only.

Call to find out what counts!

Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells

MON, 2/20

$2.50 22oz Budweiser and Bud Light $2 House Shots

$2 for 2 tacos 3-11pm $2.50 All BELL’S Beer $3.00 Long Island, Long Beach, Blue Island

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells)?

Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub!

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$2 Tuesdays (Domestics, Wells, House Shots)

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$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

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SATURDAY: ½ Off All food and Drinks Noon-Midnight Progressive Wells from 8-12 Starting at $1.50 $1 Rolling Rock Cans Starting at Midnight

@Black_Sheep_WMU All your friends are doing it

FRIDAY: Draft Night! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leinie Pints $4.99 3 Shot Martinis Dance Club Open

FRIDAY Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys

1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11

SPECIAL NIGHT

Canadian Nights $3 Labatt and Molson $6.50 Medium Pizza

Monster Thursday $3 Wells $3.50 Coronas 18+ Allowed!

Ladies Night! $5 Martinis $3 U Call Its $6.75 Man-tinis (Open - 12)

THURS, 2/16

Draft Night! $1 Domestic Pints $1.50 Leinie Pints $4.99 3 Shot Martinis Dance Club Open

Live Bands - DJ Mix $4 Big PBR Cans $4 John Dalys

$1 Bud and Bud Lite Pints $3 You-Call-It $6.75 Mantini's (Open to 1)

FRI, 2/17

$2.50 Pints of Bud Light and Miller Lt. 12-8 $3 U Call Its 9-1am 1-Topping Large Pizza $7.99

Party Night! $3.50 Featured Domestic Bottles $4 Sex on the Beach

$.50 Rolling Rock Drafts $1.50 Well Drinks

SAT, 2/18

$12 Buckets of Beer Build Your Own Bloody Mary Bar $3.99 Build Your Own Burger

Closed

1/2 Off ALL Food and Drink with WMU ID card or SIN card

SUN, 2/19

$3.25 25oz Domestic Mugs $3.75 Premium and Specialty Mugs 35 cent Wings 50 cent Boneless Wings

Closed

$5 Man-Tini $5 1 Item Pizzas $3 Domestic Mugs

MON, 2/20

Service Industry Night!

1/2 Off! $6.50 Medium Pizza

Closed

1-2-3 Tuesdays $1 Wells 8-10pm, $2 Wells 10-12 $3 Wells 12-2 1/2 Off All Apps 7-11

TUES, 2/21

College Night at Wayside $0.50 drafts, $1.25 wells DJ Kane and DJ Stoz Dance Club Open!

Closed

$2 Drafts and Pints (Open - 12) $12 Martini Sampler

WED, 2/22

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The Bar Grid

the entertainment page

oscar-baiting

cd review

On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.

The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!

Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a downand-out urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat.

One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot.

The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.

The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a primand-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum.

She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.

Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.

of montreal Paralytic Stalks Paralyzing the stalks that are your brain nerves, of Montreal definitely delivers.

GRADE B-

Of Montreal is weird. Kind of like Animal Collective weird, but a little more listenable initially. And also kind of like David Bowie weird, but a lot of danceable tunes. This gang of poppy lunatics hail from Georgia, which is quite the distance from Montreal, but has little to do with the band anyway. Their latest, Paralytic Stalks, is only a reminder of how crazy this band is, how universally abstract you are, and if those mushrooms have set in or if you’re just in a permanently good mood.

and one of my favorites on the album. The beginning starts off with unusual beats and higher-pitched singing, bordering on hardly catchy, but definitely interesting enough to stand out. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle, it starts to slow down with some distant chanting, forcing the listener to take a breath, lean back and hold on. The song tapers off into near nothingness, with just the slightest hint of static to keep the listener hanging on for more, ending in a nice light with soft piano and vocals. Ahhh… everything will be okay.

Since forming in 1996, of Montreal has put out nearly a dozen full-length albums, with Paralytic Stalks being their 11th. While the majority of the album isn’t eerie, creepy, dramatic abstract sounds, these are what make the album uniquely poppy. Mixed in between pop tunes and electronic beats, these acid-induced dark sounds are a far cry from modern indie pop music and a damn refreshing cry at that. The ambient and eclectic layering of sounds are great to listen to with or without drugs involved, giving the listener an experience and actual feeling, which is hard to come by these days.

Sure, Kevin Barnes unique psychedelic vocals might freak you the fuck out, but at least you’re feeling something.

This kind of music is hard to judge. Do I like listening to it? Of course— it’s different and it gets my attention, and sometimes even forces me to bob my head around.

Do I want to listen to it on repeat? Probably not, because I think it might stress me out a little. But there’s no denying the utter creativity that this group has, comparable to greats like the aforementioned Animal Collective, Bowie, and even The Beatles. If you’re looking for something that’s out of your comfort level, of Montreal’s Paralytic Stalks will definitely do the trick.

Their final track, “Authentic Pyrrhic Remission” is just over 13 minutes long, yet feels like 3 different songs,

Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream.

A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen.

out now

The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultra-slow motion. Run time: 6 hours.

Sounds Like: Trippy Beatles with poppy screaming.

Download: Wintered Debts, Authentic Pyrrhic Remission Listen to it When: You’re weird, and want to feel normal.

War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.

UPCOMING RELEASES Van Halen - A Different Kind of Truth Dierks Bentley - Home

Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom The Lemonheads - Hotel Sessions

The Fray - Scars & Stories Dr. Dog - Be the Void

Ben Kweller - Go Fly a Kite Air- Le Voyage Dans La Lune

13

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Beat The Black Sheep:

The Taco Bell Challenge

Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us?

By Brendan

The Challenge

How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?

TheA 6’3”, Challenger 185lb male.

TheUm,Plan of Attack to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.

The Prediction

I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.

The Retroactive Diary Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of selfshame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can.

Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting.

Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a co-worker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge.

Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it.

Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.

Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult.

Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this.

Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected.

Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people.

Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)

time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds

Are You In?

Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.

The Aftermath

Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain.

The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.

Don’t Believe Us?

Well, we videotaped the whole thing.

Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.

14

Bartender

of the

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Issue Nickname: Chico

3 Things you would want on a deserted island: Water, alcohol, Motrin

Status: In a relationship Major: Psychology Drink Recipe: Crazy Karl: Captain Morgan, Peach vodka, Triple sec, Amaretto, sour mix and orange juice Shot Recipe: strawberry and blueberry vodka, melon, banana, blue Curacao, sour, and sprite

Lisa Miko

pone's

Funniest thing you have seen on the job: Some drunk girl falling out of her bar stool backwards Ever catch anyone with a fake?

Yea, I knew the girl’s sister and she was using her sister's ID Did you ever have a fake yourself? Yes, it worked

"I Dare You" Recipe: 7 Seas: the first 7 things you see

Favorite movie: Transformers

Favorite drink: Caramelos

Favorite TV show: Boardwalk Empire

Personal theme song: Rihanna and Jay Z, “Run This Town”

ca grotto at

Favorite Color: Coral Ideal date: Something romantic

drinking game:

deal or no deal

Since we’re all in the Valentine’s Day spirit, The Black Sheep thought it would be great to play a little game that exposes all of the nasty sexual fantasies that you and your boy/girlfriend have played out.

What You’ll Need: A blank deck of cards (or just cut up pieces of paper, you cheap bastard), shot glasses, and any form of liquor. May we suggest Fruit Punch Burnett’s? It’s red! Like V-day!

Number of Players: The more the merrier! And the more opportunity for all of your friends to reveal some things that you may or may not have wanted to know.

Level of Intoxication: Depending on how slutty the people you hang out with are, well, things can get pretty shitty.

How to Play: - Have everyone think of the most crude and disturbing sexual performances that they can possibly wrap their perverted minds around and write them on the cards. Try to think of at least 20.

- Each person picks a card one at a time.

- Read the card aloud. For example, “Ate donuts off of my boyfriend’s butt with my hands tied behind my back.” If you have done the act described on the card, you must take a shot.

-Depending on the severity of the card, the group can up-vote it to two shots. Things like “juggled balls” obviously only get one shot, but something like, “Performed the Alaskan Pipeline on my girlfriend,” definitely should be up-voted to two. Maybe even three. Look it up.

- Keep tally of how many shots each person has taken.

-At the end of the game, the person who has taken the most shots is not only is the drunkest, but also has to let everyone slap him or her on the bare ass with a leather belt.

NOTE: The point of this game is to get drunk and admit some weird things for the love of St. Valentine. If you lie about what you have (or haven’t) done, then you will be punished. Some way, somehow, by a higher power.

The Game Ends When: You’ve run out of cards and everyone is thoroughly humiliated and strangely turned on.

Meet The Staff! campus manager Dana Borzea

Contributing Writers Vanessa Legutko Kelly Weatherwax Kyle Duberville Hannah Weyer Katie Batt Michael Oszust Mitch Barnett Andrea Walker Cody Kimball Lulu Kourdie Samuel Howard Distribution Manager Chase Olender

Advertising ManagerS Nate Boyer John Williamson pr team You? campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham

Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com ads@theblacksheeponline.com

217.390.1747

seek and find

Do you think you can find all this shit in that little fancy room? It ain't your mama's messy dorm room, so good luck, bro.

Send us an email at games@theblacksheeponline.com showing us or telling us where everything is, and we may just give you some lovin'.

class tim e

m.a.s.h

tally

box

what does your future hold?

Wife • Ashley Tisdale • Ashley Judd • Ashley Olsen • Ashy Larry

Met At • Court-ordered community service • Westboro Baptist Church protest • Disco Lovers Anonymous meeting • The champagne room

Date Night Movie of Choice • Weekend at Bernie’s 2 • Gigli • Weapons of Ass Destruction 4 • Schindler’s List

First Child’s Name • Destiny Favorite Hobby • Nebuchadnezzar • Tandem peeping Tom • Choreographed butchery • Dipshit • Amateur casket building • Krystal • Self-righteous indignation

Theme Wedding • Pirates of the Buttibbean • Kris and Kim Take Two • Our Love Is Deeper Than Our Cuts (Emo) • Threesome With Jesus Housepet • Giant cockroach • Wild boar • Gimp • Primordial ooze

class tim e

Husband • Jon Stewart • John Goodman • Johnny Depp • Zombie John Wayne Gacy