The Black Sheep
gr FRE an E.. dm . Li a a ke L t T ike ha o nk utsg rac ivi ng istin din g ner !
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Volume 1, Issue 11 11/15/12 -11/29/12
Let the Festivities Begin
Allyson Parrish wrote this
Thanksgiving break is coming up. The majority of the students will be leaving for the week and all the businesses downtown will lose a week’s worth of profit. Professors will be glad they don’t have to stand in front of a lecture hall full of uninterested students and the students will be glad they don’t have to sit in front of boring professors. Friday classes end, and you’re excited to get this weekend-long party started. You get back to your apartment to find that your annoying roommates have already left for home. Thank God. You didn’t want to deal with their whiny asses while you pregamed for the pregame pregame party you’re going to. After six painfully stressful hours of getting ready, you get to your party to get white girl wasted. It’s a success. Saturday afternoon you wake up with a splitting headache. You don’t even remember last night, but for some reason you think that random banana suit on your floor had something to do with it. You declare the night amazing and decide you’ll do it one more time tonight before you make the trip home tomorrow; you HAVE to try and get a week’s worth of partying out of the way, right? So once again you get very smashed, don’t remember a thing and consider it a success. Sunday afternoon rolls around and you’re awakened by your phone blaring. It’s your mom wondering if you’re on your way yet. You tell her that you decided to go to church first. Sounds legit. So you quickly pack and head for home, drinking lots of coffee and water, and actually keeping your music on low until your damn headache goes away. Finnaly, you’re home, giving awkward hugs to your immediate family. Monday through Wednesday you’re in a constant state of annoyance and boredom thinking, “Why the hell did I decide to come home again?” You start wondering if you’re crazy because you’re actually wanting to go back to school now. You think, “Holy shit, am I sick?!” Then you hear your mom nagging you about how you need to lose a couple of pounds, your dad lecturing you about bringing up your grades, and your little siblings wanting to be all in your stuff and you rethink that last statement: You’re definitely not sick.
wasting their time. This time you jam out on your way home. You can’t wait to be back in Morgantown to have some fun.
Thanksgiving is finally here. You plaster on your fake smile for those family members you really don’t give two shits about, but hey, free food so why not? You eat until you feel like a giant beach ball then watch some football. It makes you miss the home games, even if it is a sucky season; you still miss being there. This makes you decide to go back early.
Saturday morning you decide to get together with friends and party before classes start up again. You’re the only one back? Looks like it’s time to get wasted by yourself. Somehow you wake up on the sidewalk in only a cowboy hat and a taco by your side. You go with it; tacos are awesome! You proudly walk back to find your roommates are back, which means your friends are back. You call them up to party tomorrow night.
Friday morning your mom is freaking out like she’s never going to see you again, while your dad and siblings stand around like you’re
Sunday finally comes and it’s craziness. Some people are still coming back, but there are still tons of people heading downtown. All the
The Mountaineer Way
Mountaineer Basketball: A Survival Guide
businesses seem extra happy for some reason: That’s right, their money is back in town. Everyone parties like a rock star until the wee hours of the morning. Monday happens, sadly. You’re in a bitchy mood because you’ve been puking, you’re head is going to explode and you’ve only had one hour of sleep. You sit down in class and stare off while your professor starts talking about some exam on Wednesday that you definitely aren’t prepared for. You can’t wait for winter break to begin. Welcome back to Morgantown.
The Top Ten Words You Might Hear in WV
The Mountaineer doesn’t believe in “words” or “interviews,” but we wrote something anyway!
It’s a long wait to get good seats, don’t sacrifice your buzz in the process.
We reckon y’all won’t get a lick of work done if you keep readin’ our papers.
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page 6: from the streets What was your most memorable Thanksgiving?
page 7: Thanksgiving in 3000: Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday Thanksgiving isn’t only about turkey; it’s about racism and family drama. Thanks, pilgrims!
page 10: How To: Turkey Bowl Make sure you’re in top shape to shut up Uncle Mike this year
page 11: Bartender of the week
Only if you’re nice to Parker from Fat Daddy’s, will you get served.
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word of the week Lamerick:
A popular quote or turn of phrase that transcends annoying, to become repugnant. “There once was a woman named Coco/Who always would shout out, “YOLO!”/Then one day/All her friends went away/Because holy shit, that lamerick is crazy annoying.”
Mountaineer basketball: a survival guide Harry Strack wrote this Another one of America’s favorite pastimes is looming on the horizon. No, it’s not that bender you plan on having over Thanksgiving break. It’s BASKETBALL SEASON! For those of us Mountaineers who are tired of waiting for our football team’s defense to show up, we have a new sport to cheer for, and thank God for that. Although standing outside freezing your balls off for an indefinite amount of time before games might not sound too appealing, here are some suggestions to successfully survive a WVU basketball game. First of all, dress appropriately. West Virginia is cold. Just because we had an Indian summer this past month (before the hurricane piled two feet of snow on us), doesn’t mean that you can go to a game in your favorite WVU game day dress. After receiving numerous negative comments about our student section after a game against Pitt four years ago, students implemented a “dress classy, West Virginia” day, in which everyone was encouraged to wear business attire to the basketball game. This was a good idea in theory, but nearly no one participated because it is too freakin’ cold to be walking about in just pencil skirts and suit jackets. Unless you‘re drunk*. In that case, of course alcohol is the best heater.
*Note: You will probably be drunk. Secondly, West Virginia is notorious for having one of the rowdiest student sections in the country. However, it seems that we are not able to be rowdy without being hurtful. But who cares?! It’s our duty as a loyal student body to find whatever it is that will get under the opponent’s skin. Winning is what’s important here, not feelings. So if you plan on attending a game, do your research. If you are going to say mean and nasty things, at least make sure they’re true. Because as long as you’re telling the truth, then what can the opposing team really do about getting their feelings hurt? Sorry your mom cheated on your dad, dude, but we’re going to talk a lot of shit about that little dark corner of your life. Lastly, WVU hasn’t begun to sell alcohol in the Coliseum. Yet. If you are one of those students who feel the need to get rip-roaringly drunk before every sporting event, you’re going to have to plan accordingly. Fading are the days when you could chug three beers in the parking lot before walking to the gate and getting right into the game, still buzzed up. Now you have to do this, PLUS carry a little flask or your drinking contraption of choice in your coat pocket. Alas, no one said the college life is an easy
one. The lines are going to be long, you will be waiting for eternity, and you will have to start drinking as early as possible. This way, you can take full advantage of your decent seat in the student section. All in all West Virginia, preparation is key. You cannot decide to go to a game at the very last minute. Unless you don’t really care, or you’re too much of a pussy to wait outside in the line so you go at halftime. Whatever your preferences, remember to dress warm, cheer (or jeer) loud, and if you choose to drink, drink as much as you can because there is no beer in the Coliseum at this point. LET’S GO MOUNTAINEERS!
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the Mountaineer way Harry Strack wrote this As you head home for Thanksgiving you’re reminded that you’ll have to learn about your crazy family all over again. The Black Sheep would like to share with you some little-known facts about WVU’s Mountaineer and his family. In a word, the Mountaineer you know and love is a total, unrequitted badass.
The Top 10
Words You Might Hear in WV
You and your friends might take a warm coach bus, hop on a plane, or drive the country roads home. The worst your trip entails is talkative assholes in the seat next to you, borderline molestation by the TSA, or dealing with all the problems associated with your ‘94 crap-mobile. True, the Mountaineer doesn’t have to deal with any of that annoying shit, but that’s because he walks home. He doesn’t need a GPS or map. He can sense the direction home at any given moment like Chief Soaring Cat – a Native American chief we made up just now for the purposes of not having to do real research. It does not matter how high the mountain is, how low the valley is, or how wide the river is, baby. He will make it there. He hunts for his food. You think Bear Grylls and Survivorman are cool? They take lessons from the Mountaineer. The Mountaineer doesn’t get any press like those tools because he doesn’t want any. He’s not in it for the money. He’s sort of hipster like that. It should be noted, however, he despises all things hipster. From their lack of interest in anything popular, and constant need for attention expressed through their infatuation with things “not cool,” to the fact that they think they are so unique and rebellious while at the same time conforming to a social clique... really makes him want to grab each and every hipster by the throat and throw them into the Mon. He doesn’t believe in buying food, or buying anything for that matter. There’s no Chick-filA nearby to serve him delicious fried meat with yummy dipping sauces. He hunts for his food and finds fresh water by his keen sense of scent. Do you know how hard it is to find water by smell? Of course you do, because you can’t even smell water. He can. He does not bathe. Bathing is for the weak. Yes he stinks. He stinks like a man. The only thing he does that we might find similar to bathing is jumping into the occasional lake or river to escape the den of bears he likes to mess with. The Mountaineer plays dangerously. The Mountaineer has a strange way of spending his free time. He spent last summer building up an immunity to snake poison. Reports say each morning he would take a shot of deadly snake venom with his jerky for breakfast. By lunch he’d feel a little drowsy, but by dinner he’d be fine again. Each successive day he’d add another shot
of venom to breakfast until he felt his immunity was strong enough to take it to the next level: snake pits. So the next week he jumped into one of the various snake pits he has around the edge of his property (to deter bears, bears hate snake pits). The snakes slivered to the walls of the pit, in fear of the Mountaineer. He currently lives in a log cabin atop the (definitely real) highest mountain in West Virginia called Mountaineer Mountain with his wife and six children. He has several pets, but none live within the confines of the log cabin. He believes in freedom, and has taught each animal how to survive in the forests of West Virginia on his or her own. Such animals include owls, wolves, jaguars, rhino, and dolphin. They roam and protect West Virginia unbeknownst to most. Next time you see a dolphin around WVU, you’ll know it’s the Mountaineer’s. The Mountaineer is married to his drop-dead gorgeous wife Kelly. Kelly may be his one and only true love, but she is his third one and only love. The Mountaineer has children all around the world of different ethnicities, cultures and beliefs. All are extremely successful. The Mountaineer did not have to raise them; their godlike genes did all the raising they needed. He enjoys occasionally gifting a child an unorthodox name. The six children in his home are named Sweet Sea Shell Sally, Bourbon, Jimmy John’s, Knives, and Ben. Knives is not the Mountaineer’s homage to violence; he just fancies the way knife turns to knives when pluralized, and decided Knives would make a great girl’s name. While you’re sitting awkwardly around your parents’ table this Thanksgiving, don’t forget that you have a little Mountaineer in you as well. When your family members inevitably ask what you’re learning at WVU respond defiantly, “The Mountaineer way.” You answer to no man.
For many students, going to WVU is a culture shock: Not only because of the college experience but simply adapting to the area itself. When talking to residents, the language can be a little different. Sometimes the words used will just roll off the tongue and you wouldn’t know the difference, other times you’re just like “What the hell did you say?”Here are some of the unusual words a transplant to West Virginia may hear: 10.) Reckon: Meaning to suppose or guess. Usually used when someone is unsure of something. Example: “I reckon we’ll see you at the game on Friday, you bring the beer. I reckon I’ll drink that beer.” 9.) Fixin’ to: Meaning to get ready, prepare, or plan for something. Example: “I was fixin’ to go to the Wal-Mart. Does anyone else need anything besides Crisco, shotgun shells, and corn whiskey?” 8.) Ain’t: A contraction of am not. It can also be used as a contraction for are not, is not, has not, and have not. Example: “I ain’t going to the basketball game next week ‘cause I have to work.” 7.) Y’all: A contraction of you and all. This is an informal second person plural. Example: “Y’all better settle down or the cop is going to arrest ya’ll for burnin’ that there couch..” 6.) Hankerin’ for: A desire or craving for something. Example: “I had a hankerin’ for some biscuits last night, but I was too tired to make them.” 5.) Wretched: Meaning to reach for something. Example: “He wretched over that wretch of a woman to to grab his car keys. Even he wasn’t desperate enough to sleep with her.” 4.) Britches: Meaning pants or undergarments. “The fire alarm went off so he had to put on his britches real fast to run outside away from the fire.” 3.) Dern: Meaning a form of agreement. Can be used as “Gosh dern” or “Dern tootin’” Example: “Gosh dern it, pa! I told you not to bet on our football team, they always lose!” 2.) Gussied up: Meaning cleaned up and dressed nicely. Example: “The only time I ever get this gussied up is when someone dies or gets married. Otherwise, I have a hard time even putting on pants.” 1.) Lick: Meaning an amount of, usually used in negative sentences. “I didn’t get a lick of work done today because my boss kept calling me in for meetings.”
Tiffany Benson wrote this
From the Streets
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What was your most memorable Thanksgiving? “One time my grandma’s crazy friend flossed her teeth at the dinner table after our Thanksgiving meal. It was absolutely disgusting, but hilarious.” - Mandy J., Senior
“I bought sandwiches and wine and ate with all the homeless people, because there wasn’t a soul in Morgantown.” - Aysha M., Sophomore
“My favorite memory is just eating… Thanksgiving has the best food.” - Derek S., Freshman
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Thanksgiving in 3000:
Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday TBS STAFF wrote this Thanksgiving has come quite a long way since that first awkward, interracial feast. Apparently, the pilgrims were smart enough to sail all the way across the Atlantic, but were starving because they couldn’t grasp the complexities of corn, maize, or corn mazes. The Indians felt sorry for these sad sacks full of smallpox, in their fancy boy buckles and pantaloons, and helped them survive the winter. This act turned out to be the biggest backfire in history right next to George Lucas trying to resurrect the Star Wars franchise, and Kevin Federline’s parents’ decision to drink too much wine and play a few rounds of “tickling and dickling” in 1977. In the years since the first Thanksgiving, the holiday has gone from a tradition of corn and blunderbusses, to football, awkward family tension, and the customary racist comments from grandparents. If this trend continues, the future of Turkey Day is going to be very different from the holiday that we now know and enjoy. Check that, the holiday we tolerate… through the awesome power of alcohol. One thousand years in the future, our robot overlords have done away with most holidays, for they have no practical uses. However, our most logically programmed animatronic leader, PresidentKing-and-Tyrant Barack Robotma, still permits the celebration of Thanksgiving for the time being. In the year 3000, the turkey has gone the way of dinosaur and Pogs, and the preparation of all of the traditional Thanksgiving food has been thought of as inefficient. So, in the future, the entire Thanksgiving spread has been condensed into a single convenient suppository. With the application of a little lubricant and a few seconds of severe discomfort, you can enjoy turkey, potatoes, gravy, beans, corn, cranberries, and three kinds of dip effectively putting a whole new spin on the word “stuffing.” Football used to serve as the centerpiece of the day, for it distracted the conversation away from your loud, compulsively gambling uncle, as well as diverting attention away from Grandma saying she’s worried that your half-Pakistani boyfriend of three-years is only going to marry you so he can steal you back to his country (she says this in front of him, too, thinking he is her old butler). Yes, football has turned the room’s attention into light banter about what the Stealers should’ve done, examined from every possible perspective.
In the future, we gather around and watch actual Megatrons seismically spike footballs into literal, genetically manipulated New York Giants on Thanksgiving. Fortunately, the players can entertain for hours without needing rest, so gone are the days of enduring atrocious halftime performances, which, at present day, seem to alternate between geriatric douches like John Cougar Mellencamp and Madonna butchering “God Bless America,” or boy bands that wiggle their tiny dongs around for five minutes. Of course, last year all bets were off when we had to endure ten minutes of Nickelback during halftime of the Lions’ game, as if the city of Detroit hadn’t suffered enough. Dearest readers, enjoy Thanksgiving while you can; for there may be a time in the future when we our cyborg overlords work us to death in the krypton mines and we have nothing to be thankful for or even get the day off. So this Thanksgiving, relax, grab a beer, and overeat until you hate yourself. Cherish this feeling, because the future is scary. Just ask Grandma - you can bet she didn’t plan on living to see a Muslim president re-elected.
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How To: Turkey Bowl
TBS STAFF wrote this
Many of us partake in the time-honored tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving. It’s as American as apple pie topped with bacon bits. For a good number of us, this gathering of friends and family for a low-stakes game always seems to end up as an embarrassingly passive-aggressive affair. It combines all the forced interactions of a family gathering with the cutthroat competitiveness of playing Monopoly with your sworn enemy, or for that matter, playing Monopoly with anyone. Good news: It doesn’t have to be this way! Here are a few simple steps you can take to get the most out of your Turkey Bowl.
about forty-five minutes before the first snap. Really lay into him. Bring up childhood sporting failures, receding hairlines, impotence, anything and everything. Eventually, he’ll fire back some comment about how he used to earn medals for getting rid of kids your age in Korea. First of all, he’ll be way out of line, and you’ll get the crowd on your side, but that’s not the point. Now that he’s taken a shot at you, it won’t seem strange when you demand to guard him. You just earned a day free of playing defense. At this point, ease up on the trash talk. That Korea rant sounded a little too real to be made up on the spot.
Cardio: You hate to hear it, but you should work out more. Let’s face it, you’re not in the same shape you were in high school. The best way to give yourself the upper hand against Pat Miller’s bump-and-run coverage is to have the lung power to run the length of the field more than once.
Hitch and Go: Alright, you spent the first half running a bunch of curl routes (this will be important later) and playing nice. Everyone has finally stopped laughing after the ball hit Kevin in the nuts. The moms have grown bored and left to start peeling sweet potatoes. Now it’s game time. The goal now is to show some real football skills. Everyone will be chomping at the bit to make a big play, and you’re going to use this to your advantage. Tell your QB the plan in the huddle and follow these steps closely. At the snap of the pigskin, run eight yards right at your overanxious defender and stop. Turn back and look for the pass. The QB will pump fake right at you. As soon as he does, the restless cornerback will jump out in front of you. You immediately turn upfield and sprint toward the end zone as your co-conspirator at quarterback lofts an easy pass into your arms. You just scored a backbreaking fifty-yard touchdown and took the lead. Now is the perfect time to do a sexually suggestive dance.
Cleats: That’s right, you’re going to be that guy. In late November, the grass is muddy and slippery. Wearing cleats to a pickup game might earn you a few funny looks, but it will also give you the ability to change directions. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be Tavon Austin? You can find out by reversing the field and watching defenders stumble as their old gym shoes fail to grip the earth, making them look like a bunch of topheavy mouth-breathers. Guard the Slowpoke: Oh look, Uncle Jerry is still limping from his knee surgery. You’re going to want to start trash talking him
Get Drunk: If all else fails, and it’s pretty clear that you’re the worst athlete on the field, crack open the cooler and don’t look back. It turns out that your hand-eye coordination is less than spectacular. You might as well get blasted and see if it improves. At the very least, no one will blame you for dropping an interception if you’re struggling to walk. Some may say the game is not about who wins, it’s all about having fun. Well, those people are pussies, and this Thanksgiving they’re getting an ass-kicking.
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bartender of the week Parker Fat Daddy’s Major: Sports psychology What’s the best part of Fat Daddy’s: There is a laid back atmosphere and an all-round fun place to be. What’s the most popular drink served: A Trashcan. Favorite night to Work: Friday for happy hour. Craziest experience ever had while bartending: On my second night working, I was one of only two bartenders when there were about 300 people in the bar. I was swamped. The best part of bartending: I like that it is fast-paced and really fun. Here you’re never bored and it never really feels like you’re actually working. Favorite drink to make: Thin Mint shot, it tastes just like the cookie. Best way to get the bartenders attention: First, never yell or snap, because then you will be served last. Best way is If you stand by the register and while I am there just ask me nicely. It doesn’t hurt to have money in hand. Drink of choice: Have to be citrus vodka and soda water with some lemons in there, but for beer probably Guinness. Favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Watching the parade on TV and helping cook dinner.
the drinking game
Recipe for Disaster
Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.
What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.
What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…
What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.
How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. - Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!
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it’s turkey time!
Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn
The Future Serial Killer
The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid
What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.
What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”
Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig — Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.
Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.
’ ’ The Protege
The Early Puberty Little Asshole
The Refugee from a War-Torn Country
What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.
What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.
What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.
The fatty fat fat fat
The poor poor kid
What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several x-rays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.
What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.
The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times) What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.
the search & find
Think you found everything in the Pleasantville Thanksgiving? Send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org, and let us know where it all is. If you're right, you'll win a prize!
the classtime “Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’” “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiving dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!”
madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130
“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__—who was convicted of trafficking __15__ to the world’s most powerful country, __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!”
“Enough with the introductions “Now here comes a classic—the tur__4__, let’s take a look at what this key balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avparade has to offer!” enue it—Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has burst into flames! It’s “First up today is the wonderful beyond belief! Beyond imagination! __5__ balloon! Can you believe the I can see celebrity balloon handler company chose to brand themselves __20__ running for her life. She— with a __6__? The company really she’s not going to make it! People took a turn for the worse __7__ years are taking shelter in the brand-new ago, when founder __8__ revealed __21__ Building! This is a day that that he’s actually a __9__.” will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!”
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