Volume 1, Issue 5 | 11/10/11 - 11/30/11 | WWW.THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Down With The Lottery!
Alex R. wrote this
Virginia Tech in the fall is a college kid’s dream. Experiencing a nationally ranked football team, amazing competition, the thrill of the games and the traditions are what it’s all about. That’s why it’s such a royal bitch that half of the freshmen don’t even get a chance to attend these games, these staples of college life—and all because of the dreaded lottery system employed by this school. The lottery system at Tech is more fundamentally flawed than the Occupy Wall Street protests, and that’s saying something. First of all, neither Virginia Tech nor the lottery itself lets students know when the lottery is open for the next upcoming home game. Last time I looked in the mirror, I wasn’t Nostradamus, and the last time I looked in a crystal ball was…never, so it’d be just peachy if we could get an email notification of these events. The sign up dates have not been uniform at all this season, just take a look back at the lottery sign-up for the UNC Thursday night game—that one came almost 3 weeks in advance (as opposed to the normal 2 weeks), totally mindfucking everyone involved. Many students were so pissed that they missed the sign-up date for VT’s Orange Effect game that they just started pissing all over various pieces of public property on campus. The lottery’s website directly taunts you with their exclusivity, “This is your chance to be part of the action.” A chance? That’s it? This feels like middle school soccer tryouts all over again. What are they going to tell me next? That I can’t sit at the cool kids’ table unless I sign up, and even then will only be considered if I get rid of my horrible acne? And like acne medication, nothing is guaranteed with the lottery. For the lottery
04: time for a prank war
saran wrapping the toilet seat is so high school, here’s some fun, new tricks.
gamblers, East stands are as good as it gets because people want those damn South end tickets about as much as a sane person wants Michele Bachmann to become president. (Not at all). “The lottery ruined my life. The worst was when I won a ticket, but was never even sent the confirmation e-mail. That was a real slap in the face. A real dick slap in the face,” said freshman student, Woody Smalls. The lottery seems to be gaining even more enemies as the basketball season draws nearer. All students at Virginia Tech were able to enter the lottery for basketball season tickets, yet it seems that more than half the people who won tickets were the people who didn’t really give a shit about them in the first place. These entrepreneurs won the luck of the draw, and proceeded to sell their tickets for significantly more than they paid for them. Sly bastards. Virginia Tech really needs to give freshman students an opportunity to purchase season tickets like the rest of the student body. If the freshmen continue to be oppressed in this manner, there’s no doubt in my mind that a riot will ensue. Will we continue to piss all over Blacksburg? Will it escalate to something worse than piss? At this point in the juncture, it’s really just a waiting game. We wait and see if the university responds to our demands, or we wait to see how long it takes students to revolt against the current policies. ¡Viva la Revolución!
11: what your major really means just focus on looking good, it will get you farther in life
12/13: the black sheep interviews:
Double trouble with Mat Kearney and 12th Planet!
Pg5: fall into fashion Here’s how to keep looking hot even when the temperature drops.
Pg9: being vain with vanity license plates Personally, we think “GR8BAL5 is pretty awesome.
Pg5: top ten Reasons why we love the Empo...mainly because it has a cool name.
Pg11: Bartender of the issue: Once you go Greek, you never go back...or so we heard.
Pg6: halloween party pics We really hope Quailman was Pg13: CD Review able to hookup with Loofah Summer Camp- Welcome to Girl. Condale Pg7: sex and the u: the horrors of pda Here’s an idea—get a room so the rest of us don’t puke in the streets.
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time for some prank wars!
Alex R. wrote this
play. Call n e time <3!” Your intended target will have several dick pics sent to their phone in no time at all. Taped Trash: This one doesn’t really require much thought or materials, but it does require some dirty work. All you need is a roll of duct tape and your full trash can to work with, but the basic goal is to tape every item from your trash can onto your victim’s door. By the time you’re done, it should be covered with pubes,pizza crusts, condom wrappers, empty milk jugs, jizz socks, and any other disgusting item that you can find. Then, wait by the door for your victim to arrive so you can see their reaction. Sharing a cramped 12’ x 14’ room amongst numerous other identical rooms with thin walls isn’t exactly the most ideal of living conditions, yet every freshman is forced to experience this lifestyle the first year of their college career. Once all of the awkward meet-and-greets are finally over, the hall’s cliques begin forming. This is also when the pranks begin. Now that we’ve all been on campus for a few months, there have been several pranks pulled in the dorms that range anywhere from utterly disgusting to tastefully humorous— these next few are the cream of the crop from the semester thus far. Vicious Vaseline: You’re walking home from a party late Saturday night. You’re making the drunk stumble back to your door, and as you reach to the doorknob for support, you slip and fall. You fall right onto your neck and paralyze yourself permanently and are unable to feel sex ever again. If you don’t happen to fall, you’ll probably get so frustrated trying to turn the doorknob that you’ll just fall asleep in the hallway. Craigslist Calls: This prank can be arranged in a matter of minutes and serve countless hours of entertainment. For the most serious sabotage, find a picture of a hot girl on Google Images, copy and paste it into a Craigslist ad for the “casual encounters” section, and post your victim’s phone number along with a message that says, “Dis little mami wants u 2 cum
Blocked Exit: This is most likely the only time those ugly, poorly-placed benches in the halls will be put to good use. You’ll want to get three benches and place them in front of the victim’s door, stacking them on top of one another to trap them inside. Not good enough? Zip-tie them together after you’ve stacked them. That way, if the victim hasn’t been keeping up with his or her Creatine regimen, they’ll be helpless to escape and ultimately give up on everything they’ve ever cared about in life. Fake Housing Notice Letter: This one requires a little teamwork with your RA and is a bit time consuming, but totally worth the extra effort in the end. After downloading the Virginia Tech letterhead online (look it up, it’s a real thing), write a fake letter addressed to the victim’s room, stating that there has been misconduct going on in their room. This “misconduct” could be anything from alcohol abuse to my personal favorite, vigorous masturbation (that was reported by multiple different people who could see it through the windows). If you can get your RA to personally deliver the letter to the victim’s room, you have a pretty good chance of making this person shit their pants. And to make sure the joke stays on them, not you, remind your victim that all pranks are made in good fun. Say this even if you don’t mean it, lest you get punched in the face, hard.
@BlackSheep_VT The Black Sheep at Virginia Tech
top 10 Reasons We Love the Empo
Fall Into Fashion
10. Socializing: The Empo is like happy hour, all the time. There are about 500 seats in the Empo and if you have a test big enough to go all the way there to study, you’re bound to find some of your bff’s in the building. Didn’t get seated near them? No big deal, just hang out at their pod and gossip about the slick-looking bro you went home with on Saturday night.
Miranda Korschun wrote this
It’s well known that when the fall flows in girls have to come up with something other than miniskirts and skimpy tops to keep boys’ heads turning like the leaves. Whore couture is no stranger to the seasons’ demands for sensible and sexy attire. No one likes a bright blue pair of legs peeking out of a sundress. It’s just wrong. Not to mention unattractive on multiple levels.
9. Watching Hulu on the Huge Monitors: Those huge monitors aren’t really ideal for FaceStalking because the whole room knows who you’re checking out. More than likely, the guy behind you is tweeting his buddy about the chick who’s gone through all 1,258 of his pictures as you’re doing just that. So, instead of becoming your crush’s laughing stock pull up some Parks & Recreation on the big screen instead.
Ladies of Blacksburg, I implore you, do not step foot out of your apartment this fall in anything less than your prettiest little outfits. There is no need to go into fashion hibernation just because it gets a little nippley, ahem, nippy outside. Step 1: Attack that wardrobe It’s time to update your “OMG I’m late for class and need something NOW” rack. Push over those little skirts and adorable printed shorts. Bring on the sexy leggings, jeggings and skinny jeans. Play up those boot-cut booties and v-neck sweater boobies. Every man is a sucker for a girl in a tight sweater. There is something soft and warm about a pair of sweater-clad-tatas that just makes a man want to bury his face between them. Step 2: Dress for your body type Please, please, please girls, dress for your body type. You know whom we’re talking about. No one wants to be the one people shake their heads at as her thighs jiggle through the jeggings at every passerby. If you’re a curvier girl, pick up a few pairs of comfortably-fitting bootcut or lightly flared denim for this fall. The extended hourglass shape they’ll give your body will balance out any top heaviness or big hips. Pair them with a low-heeled boot or ballet flats and you’re golden. That said, if you are blessed with every fashionista’s dream body-- and by that I mean you’re a skinny bitch—rock those tight leggings and jeans. Pair them with some knee-high brown or black leather boots, or even Uggs (but only when it’s below freezing).Bring on those flow-y tunics and layered oversized sweaters. If you look like you’re swimming in your
shirt, it’s perfect. If you look like you’re suffocating in your pants, they’re just right. Step 3: Dress for the weather If Virginia pulls a freak snowstorm, strut out of your apartment that day like a Colorado snow bunny, not in a casual loose-knit sweater and leggings. You’d die of pneumonia! The only thing I find more amusingly stupid than a chunky girl in clothes that are way too tight is a girl that is looking faintly blue and ghost-like because she is obviously underdressed. Pull out those adorable beanies with flowers and bows, earmuffs that sparkle, and brightly-colored scarves. And best of all, a lot of places make mittens with flip on-and-off thumb caps—hello text-friendly winter apparel! And for the love of all things covered in glitter, if you must wear the leggings to complete your look, double-layer that shit up. So carry on whores and bores of Blacksburg. Take my advice or trash the paper right now. The choice is yours. However, if I see any of you pulling these kinds of whore couture fashion infractions this season, I will laugh at your embarrassing wardrobe missteps. Happy dressing, my fall fashionistas!
Got the entrepreneurial bug? Check out Blacksburg’s Premiere Coworking Community
8. Taking Laps: The Empo is also a great place to get your exercise for the afternoon. It’s important to take a “lap” around the Empo once each hour to ensure that no one else has arrived that you haven’t socialized with yet . 7. Sneaking in Red Bull: There’s little more you can do to piss off the Math Empo staff then bringing in an unauthorized can of Red Bull. Bring two. The hiss of a recently-opened Red Bull usually attracts three employees by your side within a matter of minutes. When you open it, go ahead and chug it before they try to take it away. 6.Get on the “Banned List”: I’ve been at Tech for a while and I’ve consistently tried to get put on the Banned List but it seems damn near impossible. Since I was a freshman, there has only ever been one person on the list. What do I have to do, set the place on fire? Wait a second… 5.Get Sick: The Empo is a hotbed for germs. Just watch the people around you. The guy next to you is sneezing, the girl next to you can’t stop coughing, and the dude in the other row is sweating so hard during his proctored exam that he can’t even hold onto his mouse. Whenever I feel like getting the crud during the winter and being knocked down and out for a week I start the journey at the Empo. 4.Flash Mobs: A contemporary cultural trend that started a few years ago occasionally tries to take over the Empo. Students tried it once and it was shut down approximately two minutes later, but not before garnering the attention of four police officers, the Empo staff, and about 1,840 Virginia Tech Students. It could’ve been legit, Enter Sandman and all, but the Empo did not want to lose its reputation of being the most boring place on Earth. We’d still like to see it happen again, though. Perhaps The Black Sheep-sponsored? And yes, that is a challenge. 3.Updating Facebook and Twitter: The first thing I do when I go to the Empo is update my Facebook status with my location. I do this because I know that all 1,274 of my Facebook friends need to know that I’m sitting at 2D6. If they didn’t know that, they may have to text me and ask where I’m at, which is far more difficult. And whenever I realize I forgot something, I tweet about it. My favorite part is when I say “I forgot my earbuds! Someone bring me an extra pair to 2D6!?”
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2.Undressing People (with your eyes): Ah, everyone’s favorite Empo past time. A place littered with good-looking college kids that you can undress with your eyes the whole time you’re there! The girl with the leggings and Uggs is much more attractive sitting on her desk studying than she was sitting on the curb this past weekend. And the guy in the polo and khakis, who was also in a polo and khakis this weekend, seems like much less of a douche while handing out Adderall to his friends than he did when he was hitting on you this weekend. 1. Adderall Abundance: Speaking of Adderall…I think the basement of the Empo is secretly an Adderall factory. It’s never more than about fifteen minutes after you arrive that you see someone exchanging those Limitless pills in exchange for last semester’s test.
staff wrote this
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SEX and the u
By now, most of you readers probably think that the staff at The Black Sheep is filled with nothing more than a bunch of socially awkward hit-it-and-quit-it alcoholics. But, the truth is, even a bunch of schmucks like us can appreciate the art of love and the beauty of relationships when it’s appropriate. That being said, some of you idiots don’t realize that showcasing your lovin’ is a privilege, not a right, and it really tends to ruin everything ever for everyone else. There are two types of people when it comes to this kind of behavior: People who engage in PDA, and people who engage in PDA’s bastard twin, PDH, or Public Displays of Horniness. Couples who engage in PDA are generally hated by their audiences for a multitude of reasons, but even a heartless bitch has an occasional “aww” moment when she sees a couple holding hands on a peaceful walk across campus on a starry night, although that “aw” is almost always fol-
the horrors of pda
lowed by a jealous comment like, “she’s probably a slut.” On the other hand, there’s also PDA that people are just genuinely disgusted by. For instance, just a few days ago a couple was making out on the bus before 8 a.m. What’s wrong with this picture? Well, let me paint it for you: Because it’s 7:45 a.m. and you two seem pretty worthless, I’m going to assume that one or both of you didn’t brush your teeth. There is a gaggle of grumpy, hateful, half-asleep individuals who would like to get some coffee before they see people swapping saliva only a few feet away, and it reminds them of how alone they really are. Do you really think that people can’t see you? There’s not exactly a lot of entertainment on public transportation, so it’s pretty safe to assume that everyone had their eyes on your tonsil hockey show in the front. Or, even worse, do you think you’re making people jealous? You might stir up some jealousy if you were even a remotely attractive couple, but you’re riding the dirty public bus and your girl’s muffin top is hardly tantalizing. As much as we hate PDA like the above example, there’s one thing worse than this—the public displays of horniness. This really only happens downtown, and it’s usually after someone’s had one (or twelve) too many drinks. The big-
Liz McDonald wrote this gest difference lies in the fact that it is painfully obvious that the people involved probably didn’t know each other prior to about, oh, an hour ago. While normal PDA may be revolting and unnecessary, at least you can recognize that it’s between two people who are young and in love (maybe), while PDH is just revolting and unnecessary. How can you tell if PDH will be happening in a place near you? Easy. See a girl wearing a dress that’s clearly too short? (Extra points if everyone in the bar catches a peek at her va-jay). Yep, definitely going to be a PDH. See a guy with his hand on her upper thigh? Also a precursor to a PDH. See a couple whose hands are not visible at all? Soon to be a Super PDH. If all these factors are present, look around. Other bystanders will probably be taking videos, openly masturbating, or if they’re drunk enough—trying to make it a threesome. While the whole display is generally pretty disgusting, everyone can appreciate the joy one experiences when they witness other people making total asses of themselves in public. Especially if it’s someone you know, then you get to remind him or her of their dirty deed in the morning.
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You’re So Vain
Liz McDonald wrote this
2.) “VTENGR,” “BIO GIRL”: I think there is a common misconception about people with license plates that establish what they study in school. On first impression, one might think that the driver is really proud of what they are studying. I’m thinking not. These are the people that are trying with every fiber in their being to not drop out. Or worse, their parents are stepping in to help. “Oh, you had a 0.05 GPA last semester? Sorry honey, but we’ll put a reminder on your car that you’re going to be an engineer someday!” The other option is to try and use this approach to get laid. I can imagine a creepy guy leading a girl from TOTS to the Squires Lot…”What’s that baby, you noticed my license plate says rocket scientist? I’ll take you to the moon...” One of the most apt terms ever coined in the English language has to be “vanity plate.” Why? Because any owner is nothing more than another vain idiot who feels the need to publicly embarrass him or herself anywhere he or she goes. Let me take a second to shed a tear for all those who I offended – I’m sure none of you are really like that, right? Wrong. From an outsider, someone who just has random letters and numbers on her metal tags, lets discuss what your vanity plate says about you. I’ve made up a few, just for good measure. 1.) “K8S CAR”, “B3NS BMW”: Thank god you established that this car belongs to someone; otherwise I might have tried to get in and drive away in it myself. I’ve never understood this. Do you often forget what vehicle is yours, so you really need to put your name on it? Are you that grandma that parks at the mall and then wanders for days because they didn’t write down the number on the nearest light pole? Even worse, I’m going to go ahead and say that your name isn’t the one on the title for the car. Either Mommy and Daddy aren’t thrilled that you’re taking all the credit or you’re a spoiled brat they encourage to live in a fantasy world. Either way…that’s sad.
3.) “DA K1NG,” “PRINCE55”: You people are assholes. Sorry, there’s no way around this one. The other day I waited for some guy with a license plate – that implied he was royalty – to get out of a parallel parking spot. It took over 6 minutes. If you can’t drive, you most certainly shouldn’t have a vanity plate that implies that you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. These also shouldn’t be accepted as gifts from parents. Remember, while they did bring you into this world, they are also the same people who lied about Santa Clause for years. Just because mum and pop think you’re “HAWT BABE,” or “SMRT GUY,” society might feel different. It’s like the age-old saying – ‘Mommy and Daddy love you, everyone else thinks you’re a douchebag.” 4.) “VT 2012,” 1L0V3VA”: What if you don’t graduate on time? What if you move? Freaking idiots. Now that you recognize just how offensive your idiocy is to the rest of the world, for the love of all things alcoholic and good, go rip the plate off your car. If you’re one of the huge offenders that have a vanity plate on the front and back: take care of the problem before you catch herpes.
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What Your Major Really Says About You first place? Know your role, woman!
Architecture: You’re mysterious and creative, but people don’t know much about you because you spend most of your time cooped up in a studio, working on blueprints of dick-shaped buildings and vaginashaped tunnels. Well, the guys at least. Art History: Quick—what’s the difference between Monet and Manet… wait, knowing that still won’t get you a job after graduation. But, on the plus side, you probably give the best homemade birthday cards of all time, you artsy kid, you!
You might be proud of your GPA and completely happy with your current major (and I hope you are), but have you ever wondered what your major really says about you to the uninformed public? For all you know, there are strangers who want you dead solely because of your studies. (There are, and they’re all plotting against you.) Accounting: Oh, you must love math and numbers and calculators. What a nerd! Hey nerd, wanna do my taxes?! I bet you’d love that, wouldn’t you? No? You wouldn’t? Doubt it! Agriculture: Everyone assumes that you own all of the following: Camouflage clothing, Carhartt gear, a pickup truck, and cowboy boots. Your slow, southern accent sounds like sweet, sassy molassey, but it also makes it hard to take anything you say seriously. Apparel, Housing, and Resource Management: Uhh…what does this even mean? You’re really going for is your “Mrs.” degree. And if that’s all you’re here for, why did you even leave the kitchen in the
Biology: You read about phalluses and touch your own, and people who don’t read about phalluses get theirs touched. Different strokes for different folks. Computer Science: GameStop’s best customers, YouPorn’s most frequent visitors, and our generation’s future millionaires. We make fun of you now, but you’ll be laughing when we sign up for a Spacebook account. English: I bet you’re checking this article for spelling and grammar mistakes right now, aren’t you? Well, cut it out— it’s annoying. How many of you want to be teachers when you graduate? What’s that… you don’t want to teach? Yeah, uh, good luck with that whole “writing” thing. Environmental Science: You make us feel bad for using styrofoam to-go boxes from West End, but you grow and sell the best bud in the tri-county area, so we’re square. We may not be interested in participating in your protest, but we certainly wouldn’t protest one of your finely-rolled blunts.
Sophia P. wrote this
French: What are you really going to do with a French major? There are only two countries that speak French and one of them is in Canada. Thanks, but no thanks—I’m not falling for that trap. General Engineering: Well, aside from your socially awkward behavior, there’s not much else to make fun of. You may not be the smoothest talker, but your fat starting salary will speak for itself. Human Development: Are you a student-athlete? Do you have class with at least 35% of your teammates? Yeah, thought so. Philosophy: You may know the ins and outs of Kant’s magnum opus Critique of Pure Reason, but there isn’t exactly a high demand for philosophers in this economy. You’re probably pretty fun to get stoned with, and you’ll have a lot of free time for that between trips to the welfare office. Political Science: You scoff at people for their lack of political knowledge, but your primary political opinions have been formed by your parents and The Daily Show. You better check yo’self before you wreck yo’self in a real debate. Psychology: There are at least a handful of people who avoid you solely because you’re a psych major and they don’t want to be diagnosed with some disease or disorder that you’ve barely read a chapter. Choosing a major isn’t easy—that’s why people change them so often. So, if you finished reading this article and realized that your major is as useless as everyone else thinks it is, don’t panic; the 4-year plan is for overachievers anyway.
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Timothy Reid Jackson Souvlaki Nickname: Dingdong Best/Worst Halloween costume you’ve ever seen: Worst: Trashbag, she was just a trashbag. Best: Lil Wayne in jail. He had the orange jumpsuit, dreads, tattoos and he was white. Favorite drunk food: Waffle House Favorite Liquor: Maker’s Mark Quickest way for a customer to piss you off: Ask a stupid question. Favorite thing on the menu: Pork Kabob Best night of the week to be here: Sunday, it’s relaxed but we’re definitely
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busy from the weekend still. The most Greek thing in the restaurant: The big map in the corner, I think it’s Greek. VT/GT game prediction: VT, I don’t know, I don’t really care. Favorite party theme: ABC (anything but clothes) or Tour d’Franzia Advice to bad tippers: Work a restaurant job, or work in the food industry . Anything else you’d like to say to TBS: Non-tippers go to hell.
recipe for disaster:
Hot Dog Mac and Cheese
Remember when you were a kid and your mom made you lunch? It was probably macaroni and cheese and a hot dog on multiple occasions. I bet you miss those days. Lucky for you, there’s a college kid’s version of it!
What you need: Any box of mac and cheese, any kind of hot dog, a stove, a microwave, pepper (optional), tobasco sauce (optional), and bread (also optional). Cook time: Ten minutes. Tops. Fatty factor: This all depends on your meat to pasta ratio. It’s clearly carb and sodium heavy, but who cares? You can be healthy when you graduate. Let’s Get bakin’: -Turn on the stovetop. -Boil that water. -Add the noodles and wait for them to soften. -Drain noodles. -Microwave your desired amount of hot dogs on a paper plate. Maximum 1 minute. -Add your butter to the macaroni and stir until it’s mostly melted. -Add the provided cheese packet and stir. -Add the milk (for cheesier mac and cheese, add minimal milk). -Stir until it’s all nice and creamy. -Chop up your hot dogs into small pieces. -Add the hot dogs to the macaroni and cheese. Stir. -For some extra flavor, add your desired amount of pepper and/or tobasco sauce. -If you’re in the mood for a sandwich, grab some bread and pile on the Mac and Cheese. -Get a plate, and go at it like you’re about to be fucking executed. Or if you’re in the mood for something lighter and more hilarious, eat it in front of your friends and make panting noises as you chew. This lets them know how orgasmic it is. This recipe is awesome because it’s a throwback to your childhood. It’s cheap and affordable (ideal college kid foods), and if you decide to use the bread, it’s even going to help out your hangover!
the entertainment page the black sheep interviews:
12 planet th
The Black Sheep: How did you get involved making dubstep music? Was there a moment you first heard dubstep and you realized that’s what you wanted to do? 12th Planet: Before the whole dubstep explosion I was producing and DJing drum and bass, my alias was Infiltrata and I was touring really, really hard. I was always going to England, and I was also playing in Europe, Canada, and all over the US. I got to hang out in Europe in 2005 or 2006, and I played this show that had a checkin room with a screen playing this music that sounded like slow drum and bass, and I was like, “What is this stuff?,” like I kind of didn’t like it at first. I just thought it was some sick joke. One of my boys was like “Have you ever heard this music dubstep?” I went to England again to that same place for New Year’s Eve and we saw how fast dubstep was, we heard like 40 different languages in one night. It was people from Slovakia and China and people from Hungary and Amsterdam and France and everyone was there to just support the movement, and this was in 2006? Maybe 2007? That’s when I got hooked, it just blew my mind, everything about it. TBS: How would you describe how dubstep differs from regular electronic music? 12th Planet: The difference was more blatant four or five years ago, but I think where dubstep is now is this kind of melting pot of like electro house and big room house and rave, and drum and bass all put into one. It used to just be noises, like all other electronic music, but it had different BPM, beats per minutes. It has 140 beats per minute, but the people singing are at half-time, like 70 BPM, but the rest of the energy on the track is at 140 BPM. That’s
Rising dubstep DJ, 12th Planet, has more enthusiasm than you could pack into a bottle rocket. This LA native can talk for hours, about getting his DJ name from a book about aliens (“It will fucking change you life. It fucked me up so hard.”) to what he calls his bong (“I think it’s just called ‘The Lakers Bong.’”) But mostly this down-to-earth dude loves making music, preferably with Skrillex at all times of the day, and performing for the masses. Check him out with Skrillex on The Mothership Tour, hitting up towns all around the US.
JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS
the difference between all the other electronic music and dubstep, the beats per minute. TBS: How do you go about making a new song and new beats? 12th Planet: I just get a little inspiration and smoke a little weed and just start writing. I don’t start with drums or start with bass, I just do whatever I feel like. If I have a sample I’ll start with the sample and build around, but if I have a drum kit that I made I’ll just start with that drum kit, or if I’m messing around with a razor or something that makes a cool noise, I’ll just make a song from there. Sometimes they see the light of day, sometime they don’t. One out of every 15 tracks sees the light of day. TBS: You’re on tour now with Skrillex, and it seems like you guys are pretty good friends. How did you guys meet? 12th Planet: Oh, that’s my bud. That’s a damn good question. He was always that kid that was at the shows and we’d talk about the songs that were playing. Then we saw each other at Coachella like two years ago and he started sending me tracks and I fell in love with them right off the bat. Before he started making beats by himself he was in that band From First to Last which was a vocal project, and in those tracks he had sick production and the songwriting was amazing. So I invited him to come sing his songs on my sets, so we did that two or three times and we’ve just been close every since. He lives in downtown LA, I live in downtown, we have a lot of the same friends. It’s always party time. TBS: What can someone expect from a 12th Planet Show?
thanks for nothing, thanksgiving! Music: Mary J. BligeMy Life II…The Journey Continues Release Date: November 21, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: The soulful wail of Mrs. Blige is the siren song for recently-broken hearts. Even if you’re serially single, keep this album on repeat— and loud—to make sure that no one joins you in the fake frown town you’ve built. If any siblings don’t fall for the ruse, you’re going to have to recruit them, we suggest offering a 20% cut of whatever your parents give you for pity presents.
12th Planet: Lots of jumping and girls taking their shirts off and crowd-surfing and people rushing the barricade and having so much fun. TBS: Do you have any pre-show rituals or post-show rituals? 12th Planet: I used to just drink a lot, but now I’m just sober for all my shows, so that’s my ritual now. It used to be instead of trying to entertain everybody else it was just me partying and DJing for myself. Now it’s like, since I’m on this tour and playing 5000 capacity rooms you kind of have to be on point and interact with the crowd and have a better performance. So I was like that [inebriated] for the last two or three years but the last couple of months, the last 40 or 50 shows, I’ve been kind of sober. That’s my pre-show ritual now; my post-show ritual is to get drunk. TBS: What’s the first thing you’re drinking? 12th Planet: I’m drinking Stella. It’s my favorite beer, it’s on my rider. That and vodka and sugarfree Red Bull. TBS: What else is on your rider? 12th Planet: A bucket of fried chicken, grape soda, Magnum condoms, watermelon and grapes. TBS: If you could collaborate with anybody dead or alive, who would you pick? 12th Planet: Skrillex, every day of the week. If I could I’d work with him every minute of every day. TBS: So I have a feeling I already know this answer, but if you were trapped in an elevator for 24-hours who is the one person you
wish you were stuck with? 12th Planet: Skrillex, that’s my boy. We’d make that empty elevator a party, we’d probably make music off the level buttons on the elevator, maybe hit the fire alarm a few times. Record it on a phone and call it a day. TBS: In your dressing room, or in life, would you prefer to have a chocolate fountain or a melted cheese fountain? 12th Planet: A chocolate fountain. But the cheese does sound kind of good, too. I can’t answer that question. If it’s nacho cheese to dip nachos in it, then I’m going with that. TBS: Finish this sentence: “Nothing turns me on more than…” 12th Planet: Oh. That’s a tough one. I should go with the obvious, but that’s not interesting. Oh gosh, fuck. I mean… uh… uh… oh god this is tough! TBS: If you want to say “tits and ass” you can say that. 12th Planet: Tits and ass, dude! Let’s go with that. That’s the honest to God truth. Watching Breaking Bad turns me on, too. JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS
Excited to spend some quality time with the family this Thanksgiving? Didn’t think so. Here’s some Thanksgiving releases that scream, “My media intake is more important than talking to you.” By: Brendan
Movie: The Muppets Release Date: November 23, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: Your parents grew up during the Muppets’ heyday, back when they’d light up a jay, flip on channel 2 and mellow out before a night on the town. They’ll know exactly why you’re seeing this movie, but will be too scared of potential confrontation to call you out on your motives.
Video Game: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 Release Date: November 8, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: “I swear to shit you little scummy jizz taster, try to come in here again and I’ll fistfuck your decapitated mom’s neckhole.” Your parents will assume the machine gun swearing directed towards 13-year-olds coming from your side of the door is meant for them. They never knew you thought about grandma that way, especially after she died in that horrific guillotine accident.
We got to chat with Mat Kearney, a passionate 30-something singer/songwriter/storyteller to talk about life as an ever evolving musician. Be sure to check out Kearney’s latest album Young Love, as well as on a tour near you. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you describe yourself as a musician?
Mat Kearney: Not very well. I tend to say I’m a songwriter but when I think “What kind of music?” it’s somewhere between melodic storytelling and beats. I haven’t quite figured out how I fit into the whole thing, I can’t tell if that’s what makes me annoying or endearing, but I’m trying to figure that out myself. TBS: If you were to describe yourself in 5 words to a stranger, what words would you use? MK: Storyteller, epic, melodic, beat-driven, songwriter. TBS: You talk about where you do and do not fit in, and you’ve said that your influences range from Bob Dylan to A Tribe Called Quest. When you write music, do you purposely try to incorporate those contrasting sounds or is it just natural? MK: It’s a natural evolution, it’s reconciling where you’ve come from and what you’re into currently. [When I was young] I was a little skater kid that listened to a lot of hip-hop music and ran around getting arrested for doing graffiti on things, and then I went to college and become a literature major and prided myself on my ability to write. At the core I still love rhythmic story telling but I also fall in love with different kinds of music every day. TBS: Who are some musicians today that you really enjoy? MK: I really love Drake’s last record, if we’re talking about hip-hop. I still think Tom Waits is the greatest living. I really like Adele’s record, I know it’s a huge record. I really enjoy the new Noah and the Whale, too. TBS: How do you go through the songwriting process when it’s just you and your guitar? Do you ever hesitate because there isn’t really someone to check you, or do you like not having to run your ideas past someone else? MK: I think I have a cool thing going because when it comes to sitting down and writing a song by myself there’s a magic in that that happens and I do that. There’s songs like “Learning to Love Again” and “Rochester” on my record that are just me and a guitar in my living room. But a lot of songs that I write, the music is a collaboration. A lot of the record we would sit down and create beats and grooves and changes, almost like a hip-hop record. Then I would take it away and try to write the most gut-wrenching story over the grooves. Maybe we would add guitar later so I had something to do on stage, but there are a lot of collaborations going on. TBS: Do you go into writing a new album with an idea in mind? How much thought goes into an album? MK: It’s much more organic, how the songs come out. Singer/songwriters get boring most of the time, so I knew that I wanted to have moments where you would put this record on in your car and it would make your head bob. But I also knew
Welcome to Condale
We’ll be welcomed back to Summer Camp any day.
When I think of the noun “summer camp,” visions of running around in a wet swimsuit, flirting with the boys in the older cabins and maxing out on popsicles is what floods my mind. The music that could be the proverbial soundtrack to all of that carefree nonsense is inconsequently from a London duo called Summer Camp who, despite only making music together for about two years, have managed to make their mark on the fuzzy-wuzzy buzzband circuit. And maybe because they look so good with that sunkissed glow. Welcome to Condale starts off with a great catchy pop tune “Better Off Without You” that sounds vaguely 80s but in the best, most genuine way. The album continues on in a similar poppy fashion, with spurts of interesting interludes like the beginning of “I Want You,” which sounds like the beginning of a dramatic movie scene and continues on with somewhat daunting lyrics and slow-downed techno beats. The British influence on the band is somehow more prominent during the track “Losing My Mind” where both members of the band come in for vocals, providing that nice texture of varying vocal styles. “Down” is another awesome, catchy tune that makes you want to do the running man in neon leg-warmers, like, so badly. Their stand-out track, though, is “Ghost Train” which starts off with a
spoken break-up (“I wanna get hurt!”) and continues on into a beautifully orchestrated song that has all the makings for a summer romance. Or a winter romance—something has to keep you warm these days. Either way, this will be a track you’ll have on repeat and be so content about it. While the album does an overall great job with the music and the lyrics, it could stand for a little bit more diversity. The slower songs come at you like an unexpected wedgie, one that you couldn’t even laugh at later. But what’s great about Summer Camp is their unique sound, and that they own it. For seemingly ripping off any number of ‘80s band, this group plays it up perfectly without being forced or kitsch, yet still manages to put a hip 2000s spin on it that is as much refreshing as it is beneficial. To be able to strike that balance shows their legitimate talent, and is what gives me hope that this group will continue to do great things. Hopefully they’ll be back next year… please, please let them be back next year, but with smoother skin and no more braces. Sounds Like: Summertime in 1985. Download: Ghost Train, Down, 1988 Listen to it When: The cold is getting you down, and so is 2011.
that I wanted to have these stories that had to follow, these gut-wrenching narratives of people. I want one of those people to be myself and those people around me, and I guess that’s all I knew when I set out to make this record. Me falling in love and getting married and that part of my life, there are a lot of songs about that butterfly-in-your-stomach thing, because I was going through that. TBS: How do you strike that balance between experimenting with music and knowing that fans and others above you have expectations of you? MK: I don’t know how to do that, I struggle with that. On this record I didn’t make a licensing record, which I’ve been known to do. I wrote about a lot of specifics and I know that doesn’t always work well when you’re trying to license it, but I just felt like I needed to do that for my own sake and for a story that I wanted to tell. You don’t want to totally change the rules on your fans every record, but I think my voice and my writing approach and the stories I choose to write about, people can relate to that stylistically and also emotionally. TBS: How is the touring lifestyle different for someone who plays on stage alone? MK: We’re a 5-piece band and it’s pretty rock-heavy; I more model myself after Bruce Springsteen then Bob Dylan. I’ve had guys that have played with me for six years and they are some of my best friends and they play on my records. It’s an interesting existence because at the end of the day you have the final say, but there’s a lot of times where it’s very democratic process, much like a band. I don’t think I get the full benefit of the camaraderie that comes with being in a band; there’s some days where this is a job for some people, and with all the traveling it gets lonely. I try to level the playing field so they feel respected as band members on stage. It’s a weird distance. I think the way I’ve gotten around it is just hiring really good friends. TBS: If you had the opportunity to collaborate with someone living or dead, who would you choose? MK: Bruce Springsteen or Jay-Z. It’d be exciting. TBS: If tomorrows aliens come to planet Earth and they chose you to fight for the survival of the world with any one thing, what topic do you take them on in? MK: I would put them in a navigational challenge – I am like Magellan in my head, man. Meet me anywhere, and I know exactly what direction we are in. I know where I am at all moments, it’s kind of spooky to people. I know the quickest route to everywhere we’re going, always. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? MK: It would be pepper turkey, Muenster cheese, lettuce, red onions, balsamic vinegar. Classic. It works every time.
madlib: your own worst movie 1: Thing 2: Type of person 3: Action 4: Verb 5: Noun 6: Movie 7: Movie 8: Verb 9: City or town 10: Age 11: Gender 12: Name 13: Same name as 12 14: Verb 15: Adjective
16: Same name as 12 17: Adjective 18: Verb 19: Same thing as 1 20: Verb 21: Noun 22: Verb 23: Same person as 2 24: Same person as 2 25: Noun 26: Verb 27: Same noun as 25 28: Verb
( class time )
Dude, did you hear about my awesome movie idea? I want to do a movie where ___1___ and ___2___ are forced to ___3___ to ensure the ___4___ of the ___5___. Basically, it’s going to be like ___6___ meets ___7___, only with more ___8___. The film opens in ___9___, when a ___10___-year-old ___11___ named ___12___ is woken up in the middle of the night by a strange noise. When ___13___ looks outside she starts ___14___. It’s pretty ___15___. The next day ___16___ only vaguely remembered what had happened the night before, though she was sure it was ___17___. On her way to class things seemed weird. The streets were empty, no one was outside, shops were closed. It’s as if the entire town was inside ___18___ each other. Turns out, they were. You see, the ___19___ had a very specific agenda. They wanted to ___20___ the ___21___ through ___22___. They thought if they had every ___23___ other ___24___, the ___25___ would ___26___ and the ___27___ would ___28___. Doesn’t that sound like a badass movie, dude?
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A Very Guy Fawkes partyscope Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): You have just the right amount of gonads to lead a revolution. Whether it be government-related, #occupysesamestreet, or a sexual revolution even the hippies would be jealous of, go and be the best Charles Manson you can be! (note: The Black Sheep does not support “drinking the Kool-Aid”) Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): We all just want to be loved. You especially, you needy bitch. But you know who will love you back? Batshit crazy revolutionaries and/or serial killers! Go find someone who will love your forever, and perhaps who will wear your skin as a dress. Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Your incessant need to talk can only help you in one area: public speaking. Hell, if the devil Michelle Bachmann can gather followers, so can you! Go ahead and bitch about tuition and pretend like the government cares. Cancer (June 22 - July 22): With your constant feelings of insecurity, you would make a fabulous crony. Try to find
someone charismatic to follow around like a puppy (and occasionally have some doggy-style fun with). Who knows? You might even end up in a polygamist clan with your own primetime cable show! Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): You attention seeking whoreface. *cough* I’m sorry I meant “big personality”. Everyone loves you! Which means they’re probably listen to you, even if you tell them to do stupid shit. Try out your power; can you get your friends to break in to your college’s Student Affairs office and wallpaper it with screenshots of one of Anna Nicole Smith’s “movies”? Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): To put it plainly, you are a pain in the ass. You would probably rather be bitching about your life than anything else. So I guess now you’ll just have one more thing to bitch about. BE HAPPY. Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): You just wish everyone would leave you alone. Well if your pals are going to try and blow up a government institution, just hunker down in your nuclear bomb shelter and wait for the world to burn. There’s plenty of Internet porn to keep you busy for years.
YEARS. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): You would describe yourself as ‘intense”. Your friends would describe you as ‘a raving bitch.’ I suggest finding an Aries, coercing them into sex, and then pretending to be pregnant so they will make you their right-hand woman in their new totalitarian regime. Oh, wait, you already did that once in high school? I’m so shocked. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Spunky and adventurous, you are the sneaky kind of uprising leader. You have a lot of friends and are well-liked, so just as easily as you slip in “hey, we should fuck” to a hottie and then carry on your conversation like nothing happened, you can start dropping nuggets of discourse. Example: “Hey man, how about that last touchdown? Our QB really pitched the WE SHOULD SHANK THE PRESIDENT ball at the last second, it was awesome!” Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Always the wannabe, never the leader. Robin, just accept that you’ll always be second best and go find
( class time )
your Batman, wallow in self-pity, and then sleep with a hooker to make yourself feel something after years of being numb to the world. No doubt you’ll get herpes in the process, but hey, at least you’re good at pretending you have a soul. Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): You are motherfucking weird. Like, “I read Playboy only for the articles” weird. You probably have a lot of pentup anger, don’t you? Be your own one-man revolution and make a statue of Guy Fawkes entirely out of cheese as a symbol of your angst. Actually, you probably have already done that. Well, fuck, I’m out of ideas. Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Get out of your own head. Seriously, no one spends more time being confused for no reason as you do. You will most likely end up being a sex toy for a cult leader and then try to escape, but will end up with Stockholm Syndrome anyways. Have a great future!
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Virginia Tech - 11/9/11 - v01i05