The Black Sheep
FR EE ... Lik e on out th rac an is ks tin giv g g in ra g! nd ma
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 10 11/15/12 - 11/29/12
What UVa Is Really Thankful For, really Spencer wrote this It’s just about that time of year when we find ourselves overstuffed with turkey, drifting into a tryptophan coma while watching a football game that we don’t really care about, but, hey, it’s tradition. As college students, we find little time to reflect on how good we have it, but Thanksgiving provides us with an incentive (read: requirement) to think about what we are thankful for here at UVa. While wandering though the colorful foliage that outlines the illustrious Lawn, here are some common “thankful fors” you may hear: We’re so thankful that UVa cares so much about the appearance of our school. Due to the construction EVERYWHERE we now know so many alternate routes to get to classes, as a result of the beautiful “sidewalk closed” signs that barricade every road necessary to get to class. Also, the Rotunda looks oh-so-modern now with all the metal surrounding the beautiful rounded dome. It’s almost as if it’s being hugged by a robot… so cool UVa! And who isn’t grateful for the strong emphasis that UVa puts on safety? Thank goodness they figured out that there is an eight-ton weight limit on the McCormick Road Bridge. Everyone hates the bus anyway, and we’ve found that our love for walking twenty minutes to class in the freezing weather has grown tremendously. It also functions as a great source of exercise, what a bonus! We’re so blessed to attend a school that puts a strong emphasis on sports. Where would we be without our fabulous football team? Singing The Good Ole’ Song after all those touchdowns we score just cheers hearts and warms souls. We’re truly thankful that we get to celebrate such a wonderful team, go Hoos! And how about the way UVa keeps us students so informed? The extensive flyering on the Lawn never gets old. It’s great being bombarded by students desperately trying to get donations to dance marathons, Relay for Life, and various Greek philanthropies. Is there a better place for a college student to spend their money!? Not to mention, the environment benefits so much from the flyers overflowing in the trash cans. Recycling bins would be nice but, then again, who “goes green” anymore?
we were friends?
UVa is a campus filled with fit people. The numerous runners around grounds inspire one to go home, sit on the couch, and cheer them on from a distance as we snack on leftover Halloween candy. And with that we extend a thank you to our athletic, overachieving peers for the self-esteem boost. Thanks guys, y’all keep up the good work! One thing we’re thankful for is the Corner, especially late at night. This alcove of restaurants is always there for us right when drunchies kick in, and the next morning we feel great
knowing that we ate an extensive amount of unhealthy calories while also unnecessarily spending money—killing two birds with one stone, yay living! These are just few of the many things that UVa students have found themselves thankful for over the course of the semester. We encourage all of you to take some time over break to sit back, relax, eat some pumpkin pie, and give some deep thought into what you are truly thankful for.
the bryan hall asshole
your ever evolving high school friends always fall into certain (pitiful) categories.
you look like a pervert, ‘nuff said.
you hate this guy, we hate this guy, commiserate.
contents page 4: ta encounters of the awkward kind
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? email@example.com
Hey, i, uh, really like your marx beard... good job with... class?
page 5: top 10: ways women winter rage baby it’s cold outside... why don’t you stay in my apartment?
page 7: From The Streets quick! there’s a dude with a butcher knife behind you...what do you do? what do you do!
page 9: just stay home no, you really are too sick to come to class. don’t be patient zero.
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
“The One Day a Year When Your Mom Isn’t Your Mom Anymore.”
How come no one believes this is my uniform and I’m back from duty? (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.)
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Kristen Bell & Jared Leto
word of the week Lamerick:
A popular quote or turn of phrase that transcends annoying, to become repugnant. “There once was a woman named Coco/Who always would shout out, “YOLO!”/Then one day/All her friends went away/Because holy shit, that lamerick is crazy annoying.”
TA Encounters of the Awkward Kind
Rob Mogni wrote this You dread it. We dread it. They dread it. You know the situation: Chipotle, Friday night, 7p.m. After impatiently checking your phone for the sixth time for a distracting text message that will never come, you make the fateful decision to let your ADHD get the better of you. As you inspect the odd interior design of this fine eating establishment, you have just discovered the worst possible thing ever. Your history TA—the one whose approval you seek so desperately because discussion disproportionately counts for 50% of your grade—appears just two places behind you in line. Dammit, had you only reassured yourself that Qdoba’s convenience trumps quality any day! Don’t assume that he didn’t notice the nano-second’s worth of eye contact: it’s time to ask yourself: What the hell do I do now?! The Nod: This social convention manifests itself in a colorful variety of forms. Some have mastered it better than others, but no amount of adroitness can overcome the nervous twitch that seizes your body and causes you to make a violently spastic nod, an absurdly sudden motion that is only appropriate when taking an uppercut to the jaw. To be honest, your little paroxysm caught the attention of everyone within a mile radius. It’s best to pretend that you were doing this new yoga move to crack your neck. Your TA obviously notices you at this point, but nothing indicates your self-induced whiplash was directed at him.
The Sup: Perhaps a better approach would be to wait until you are awkwardly close at the register and just so happen to look up at him and give a real man’s “Sup?” right to his face. The problem is your vocal cords have been constricted for the past half hour waiting in line so your manly “Sup?” becomes a pre-pubescent hiccup. The best thing to do is to pretend nothing happened, ignore the awkward stare of the cashier, and walk away before your TA realizes that you were ever attempting to communicate with him. The Wimp: You have learned a lot from countless years of avoiding various charity drives and awareness campaigns that have unendingly separated you from your next class. You know the drill, and your playbook is chock-full of golden techniques for aspiring hermits. Text your mom, slip on the sunglasses, pretend to zone out on the abnormally industrial interior of Chipotle. Anything will suffice. No awkward conversation with any figures of authority will get between you and that burrito. The Man: You know it’s in you somewhere. Maybe it was some re-runs of House or last week’s Boardwalk Empire, but something has recently led you to believe this crazy conception that you are The Man. With a sudden “carpe diem” conviction, you pivot like Kobe, turn toward your TA, open your lungs to shoot out a wildly inappropriate
Buy One, GeT One Free Pizza & aPPs every niGHT aFTer 10PM
By the time you finally get to the line, the burrito guy has no time for you to decide between white or wheat. His manager is in the back giving him the stink-eye; he’s not about to allow you to ruin their rush-hour profits. After wasting all of this energy trying to avoid your TA for a damn burrito, the Chipotle guy will not stand for your indecisiveness and kicks you out. Should’ve gone to Qdoba.
1133 Emmet St Nor th
greeting, and . . . yeah, you just said that. You just told your TA . . . that?! With your . . . what?! In his . . . you went too far, old boy. In the end, it didn’t matter much. Halloweekend has set you back a month’s reading. Failure was your destiny.
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We Were Friends?
Spencer Schloss wrote this
The Top 10
Ways Women Winter Rage 10.) Pregaming: Whether it is an illusion or concrete scientific fact, drinking before going out may aid in your quest to conquer the cold winter weather. Unfortunately, as is true with most pregames, you always run the risk of going too hard. If you have the self-control to actually drink at a relatively steady pace, the drunker you are, the less you’ll be able to feel the unbearable cold. 9.) Disposable jacket: Much like the disposable red Solo cups that litter floors, an array of jackets will also be required during the winter season. Going to UVa, you’ll find the occasional North Face jacket left behind, but other than that, ladies are smart enough to take cheap $20 jackets when they go out. Most stow their jacket in their “friend’s” room at a fraternity house, only to find his door locked later in the night when he’s hooking up with a girl, thus leaving them jacketless. 8.) Going to your favorite frat: You’ll claim that at other houses you’ll have to wait in line, that you know all the brothers here, and that you can get to the third floor to use the cleaner, toilet paper-supplied bathrooms. Most of this may be true, but you’re most excited about their heated basement. Hey, conniving isn’t always a bad thing.
For all you firsties, going home for Thanksgiving could be the first time you’ve seen your high school friends since the summer. Usually fall breaks don’t match up, or your friends’ schools don’t have them. Many college students struggle to grasp their identity among throngs of peers who are seemingly just like them, and consequently use their newfound college freedom for personal reinvention. Maybe they want to change up their look, or even their name. Thought your best friends name was Hannah? Nope! Now it’s Parker because she wants to convey her new sense of uniqueness through her truly distinct name. It’s not just names, it’s personalities, and here’s a few you may encounter among your brand-new high school homies: The Party Girl: We all have that one friend who never had a sip of alcohol in her life, but as soon as she arrived at college it was all good girls gone wild. You saw her pics on Facebook… with the half shirt, mouth open, head tilt, Solo cup held high…but could it really be true? As she indulges you with stories of keg stands, one night stands, and blackouts, casually hide your Dayquil leftover from that inevitable winter cold. You don’t want her getting anymore ideas. With this character, it is time to recognize that the days of innocent game nights of Apples to Apples and Bananagrams are over. Unless, of course, it involves drinking when your adjective isn’t picked, or waterfalling every time the Helen Keller card comes up. Freshman Fifteen: Hey, girl can’t help it. The unlimited food at the dining hall, high caloric consumption from alcohol, and the long walk to the gym (aka not going to the gym) all work in perfect harmony to create a downward, outward spiral of weight gain. With this scenario, it is best to avoid any jaw drops; you tried to give her the benefit of the doubt with her Facebook pics, hoping the camera added ten pounds. Thinking of her best interest, don’t offer her any pumpkin pie. Sisters for Life: The Greek system is a large part of many universities, but some people take their involvement to the next level. As the big
UGL letters blare on your friend’s UGL sweatshirt, tank, t-shirt, lanyard, sweatband, water bottle, condom holster and full back tattoo, avoid saying, “Wait…are you in a sorority?” She likely won’t catch on to the sarcasm and tell a lengthy tale of her experience in rush, how she knew UGL was the place for her, and how she will never break the bonds of her Strawberry Sisters…which is good since it looks like your friendship is shot. Yo Chillax: Some of your friends may discover a plant that is highly praised in many circles— cannabis. Consequently their vocab will consist of “Dude that’s chill” and “Wanna blaze?” Unless you’re into that kind of thing, your deadbeat friend is a lost cause, and your only chance of bonding will be flying high with him and discussing the virtues of moving to Colorado or Washington. The High School Hang-On: Some people just can’t handle beginning college. You will encounter a friend who proceeds to be the Debbie Downer of the group as she tells sad tales of crying herself to sleep every night because she misses the comfort of Mommy and Daddy. She will continuously bring up the good ol’ high school days when everything was simpler and Dad could write all her essays. Resist the urge to pry the pacifier out of this friend’s mouth and keep the eye rolls to a minimum. It is inevitable that your acquaintances from high school will fade. However, you will still be obligated to say hi to them at your local Starbucks as you struggle to make small talk because you can’t remember where they go to school, or if they even graduated. Yes, it is unfortunate that your core group of high school buds may dwindle, and on Thursday you may find yourself sitting down to give thanks among strangers you once knew. On the bright side, it will be just like the first Thanksgiving in 1621 when the unfamiliar pilgrims and Indians sat down to celebrate a successful harvest and indulge in a delicious feast. So, just be thankful that you’re not going in cold.
7.) Bar hopping: If you are “21” it is more socially acceptable to come bundled up as opposed to being a first year and feeling the need to look like you fit in. While some of you are looking to get laid at bars (and truthfully who isn’t?), bars require less than your A-game to make an impression. 6.) Flat boots: As opposed to heeled boots, flat boots allow ladies to run to bus stops to keep warm. While this minor detail may be overlooked, you’ll be glad you wore flat boots when you run all the way home, hoping to beat the Jimmy John’s driver back to your place. 5.) Chapstick: Nothing is worse than making out with a person and feeling their grossly chapped lips rubbing up against your face. Keeping your lips well-moisturized increases your chances of getting laid, because no one likes feeling like they’re making out with their grandpa. Not that we’ve ever done that, right grandpa? 4.) Pledge rides: Once recruitment commences in the winter, pledges are available to provide rides for older brothers and their hookups of the weekend. They are at the beck and call of the fraternity and facilitate their brother’s successes in the bedroom as Mr. Right (Now) takes one more lady off the streets walking home in the cold. 3.) Bean boots: Bean boots are acceptable to wear out partying. Fraternity men can attest that they are a gender-friendly boot that ladies can wear out with thick wool socks while still looking sexy. Or, well, not sexy, just not asexual. 2.) Having your own party: Holding a party at your place of residence is the easiest way to still party. This way, you don’t have to leave your house and can still have a rager without having to face the outside world. Also, this way if you get lucky, you only have to walk ten feet (if that) to reach your bed. On the other side of the coin, people only have to walk ten feet to shame your sleepy ass. 1.) SafeRide: SafeRide is the gift that keeps on giving. Not only do they take you home if you live on Grounds, but you’re sharing a heated van with eight other strangers who are equally as cold as you are. Bless the people who drive SafeRide cars, saving university students one at a time.
Alessandra Hope wrote this
No Shave November is a fun game in which you and your buddies who are wholly incapable of growing a full beard give it the old “college try.” That said, everyone is embarrassed after a few days when the one guy with a dash of the Mediterranean in his lineage has a solid beard, while you itch and scratch like you acquired the clap on your face (indeed, this is actually a possibility). Nevertheless, you press on. There are few things more freeing than throwing appearance to the wind in favor of peach fuzz patches adorning a largely pre-pubescent face. Alas, there is a shelf life to your bearded jaunt through November - not even a mother will love your sorry excuse for facial hair. Nope, you will stroll through the door of your childhood home and, barely able to get a hello out, your mom will give you the sternest look this side of assault and battery. This will likely be followed by some passive aggressive comment about how “that’s not a thing is it?” If it is a “thing” that you bring to the dinner table the first night, expect a full on assault by the angry mama bear. If you are lucky, the up-untilnow hibernating father figure will step in with some aggressive comment of his own. Maybe he will even threaten to bring out his straight razor, which he will frighteningly claim to not know how to use very well. Assuming you don’t want to head back to school looking like Freddy Krueger or, better yet, a victim of a bath salts-induced attack, you will likely fold. Yet, maybe you are more brave. Maybe you have grown some proverbial balls in your short time at college.
Pierce Bishop wrote this
To you, good fellow, we give you your misguided bliss and raise you family uproar. There you sit proudly on Turkey Day giving a flirtatious smirk to the neighbor girl and making everyone uncomfortable with the disconnected brigades of ants on your face. Indeed, your facial hair is so offensive that the Homeowners’ Association has already sent letters banning you from the local pool next summer (that mustache screams “I’m a child toucher”). Things come to a head when a bit of gravy remains on your upper lip after a spoonful of your grandmother’s mashed potatoes. The 85-year-old who normally doesn’t make a peep, pipes up to say that no grandchild of hers would ever look like the homeless man she saw next to 7-Eleven earlier in the day. Mom shoots back (coming to your defense? No, using this time to attack an old wound) that, more importantly, she would never let her offspring bring a significant other to a holiday with a tattoo on their neck, gesturing toward your cousin’s boyfriend who also has a ponytail. At this point, all hell breaks loose. The previously sleeping grandfather tells poor grandma that he has been carrying on an affair with the cleaner for fifteen years, Uncle Ed (the one who is still unmarried and unemployed but is “trying”) announces he is starting the county’s first communist party, and your cousin Steve announces to everyone that he is gay and moving to be with his boyfriend in San Francisco (which, unlike most instances of coming out, is actually a surprise). You asshole. All you had to do was shave and you could’ve dove into a tryptophan food coma. But, no, you had to push
the envelope and rig a familial implosion. Hell, if you had shaved maybe the neighbor girl would’ve given you, you college educated dog you, a little “season’s greetings” after dinner. At least your own grandmother wouldn’t have been sent to the hospital with chest pains after watching her daughters go at each other with asparagus spears. So, you scraggly faced bastard, have your fun now. But when it’s time to head home, do your family a favor and give up on No Shave November.
From the Streets
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What would you do if someone suddenly came up behind you with a butcher knife? “Well I would probably get to turn around, in which case I could decide whether to run away or size up my attacker to see if I could fight back.” - Keating
“I don’t know what I would do. I would probably just freeze.” - Ellie
“I would definitely scream and try to fight back. Either way, there’s a risk of me getting hurt, so I might as well do the best I can. Plus I think I’m a strong person.” - Adeline
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Just Stay Home
Pierce Bishop wrote this
Don’t come to class. It’s really that simple. If you are sick, even if it’s just a little cough or a stuffy nose, don’t you dare come to class. For your sake, for everyone else’s sake, just don’t do it. You may be thinking, “Wait, what? I’m barely coughing at all.” Let me paint this little picture for you then: You are in a lecture of some 250 people, let’s say it is in Maury 209. It’s a huge classroom, a lot of people show up and a lot don’t (given it’s a sociology class and it’s mid-November). Your thought is, “Oh, no one will hear me if I cough occasionally into my hand.” So when water, tea, and or coffee do not suppress that little cough of yours, you let it out. No problem, right? Wrong. First off, your “little” cough woke up the innocent half of the class that was minding their own business and sleeping up to this point. Yes, you think you did a great job of covering it up but you have become a devilish noise maker that everyone has to deal with. Also, something to note, you are in a college classroom. You are cramped in tightly and everyone will descend the same staircase to get out of this place. There may be a thought that you are not contagious but, rest assured, your cough got at least five people sick who will
get another five sick, each, and then you’ve started a university-wide epidemic, you’re a regular Typhoid Mary. Yet, probably most important to class in this the moment, you have started off one of the most annoying chain reactions that can ever be experienced in a classroom setting. Your cough convinces the guy two rows ahead of you that it is a good time to blow his nose. After he does this, in a booming, tuba-sounding fashion, the girl to his left in the middle part of the classroom decides to let out a cough of her own. Now, it all goes to shit. Link after link of sniffing, coughing, nose-blowing people create a cycle that continues for the next thirty minutes of class. All the people that expected to score a few easy clicker points or take a solid nap before their midterm in an hour, are now completely focused on and annoyed by the stunt you’ve gotten rolling. The professor has been drowned out entirely and even he has gotten into the act of clearing his scratchy throat…directly into his microphone that he has set to “deafening.” Way to go, champ. Sure, you never missed a day in high school and you have not missed a class so far at UVa, but you should reconsider this little streak. Seriously, if you go to Student
Health they will take really awesome care of you (word is they will give you Vicodin for strep throat, but you didn’t hear it from me) and your TA/Professor will totally understand why you weren’t in class. Given that, though, your fellow students will not give a damn why you are in class. They will want you to leave…via the window they throw you out of. So go get better and don’t start a coughing chain reaction. Some of us are trying to take a solid nap after last night’s raging. Oh, and if you try to go into the McGregor Room with that cough, you deserve to get punched in the neck.
it’s turkey time!
Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn
The Future Serial Killer
The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid
What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.
What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”
Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig — Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.
Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.
’ ’ The Protege
The Early Puberty Little Asshole
The Refugee from a War-Torn Country
What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.
What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.
What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.
The fatty fat fat fat
The poor poor kid
What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several x-rays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.
What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.
The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times) What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.
bartender of the week Alicia F. Boylan Heights Most unusual thing you’ve made: Our Picklebacks are pretty popular, but I think they’re very strange. You take a shot of bourbon and chase it with pickle juice. I’ve made it but I haven’t tried it myself - I like pickles - but it’s too strange for me! Best beer to go with a burger: Scrimshaw - it’s a Pilsner. It’s got a little kick to it, but it’s light enough that you don’t get too full after eating a burger. Do you have a guiding style or philosophy to your work: I love having fun while working - the most fun I have is when there’s a band or a DJ and being behind the bar with all the other bartenders, dancing and having a good time. That would be my philosophy. Best music to mix to: I’m a huge fan of techno, but I love everything. We had a funk band playing here the other night - but essentially, songs that are upbeat. Do you have a favorite flavor or syrup that you like to use: We often don’t have time to use a lot of those because we’re so high-volume. But I work a lot of brunch shifts, and I love making Bloody Marys, and experimenting with different ingredients, tastes and textures in Bloody Marys. A drink that showcases all your skills: I think it would be our Seth’s wave shots - to make something strong yet tasty is an essential skill as a bartender. That is, to make things that would taste good and yet have a decent amount of alcohol in them. (That’s what they’re drinking it for in the first place, right?) If you were a customer here, what would you order: I often am a customer here! I’m here always when I’m not working. My go-to is either Blue Moon or Scrimshaw beer, or just a simple vodka tonic.
the drinking game
Recipe for Disaster
Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.
What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.
What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…
What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.
How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. - Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!
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The Bryan Hall Asshole
Rob Mogni wrote this
We cherish our historical importance here at the University of Virginia, from our UNESCO World Heritage status to the world-renowned McIntire School of Commerce, from Thomas Jefferson to Edgar Allen Poe. But friends, we are missing history in the making. Perhaps in contemporary society one looks at UVa and thinks “Z Society” or “Katie Couric,” but three hundred years from now historians will look back on us and speak of one individual who has, and forever will drastically change the course of our daily lives. Yes, I am speaking of the Bryan Hall Asshole on the Bryan Hall Bridge. Don’t be fooled: the Bryan Hall Asshole comes in many forms, but his morphing outward appearance never seems to change his unique behavioral traits. All of his outrageously silly attributes must revolve around a level of obliviousness so unsurpassable, that any man of punctuality must necessarily burst into flames upon sensing his presence. For those who value the additional ten minutes between classes, the question is how do we identify the Asshole and how—sweet lord baby Jesus, please tell us how—do we avoid him? First and foremost, we know that Bryan Hall Asshologists (men of science who study the Bryan Hall Asshole) have statistically proven that the Asshole appears between just about every break in classes. What’s that? But you only
have 15 minutes to walk from the Physics Building to Wilson? Make it thirty, pal. Unlike the Black Knight who tried in vain to keep King Arthur from his quest for the Holy Grail, the Bryan Hall Asshole is much more subtle and absolutely invincible. Asshologists have also provided evidence that there is approximately a 90% chance that the Asshole will have his face buried in his trendy iPhone 5, ironically sending out his fifth consecutive tweet about Bryan Hall traffic. Little does he know, that while he is convincing himself that his friends give a single fuck about anything he puts on Twitter, he is leaving a 30-mile gap between him and the person in front of him. Perhaps his troll-face has grown so large that he has acquired friends with similar orders of magnitude of assholeness, and is talking to them on the phone in a foreign language, secretly making fun of the human conga line piling up behind him. Additionally, the Asshole will appear to defy the space-time continuum by occupying all lanes of traffic at all times. Column after column, a gap seems to finally appear with the perfect passing opportunity, but with a quick oblivious shift right, the chance is gone. Let’s be honest, it would be so much easier to tap the Asshole on the shoulder and say, “HEY ASSHOLE, STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE!” but who are you kidding? You don’t have the stones.
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Mind you, the Bryan Hall Asshole is a clever shape-shifter. Just when you think that you have finally gotten the better of him, a suspicious sorority girl appears in the distance, strutting along in a hungover haze. Maybe he even cloned himself into the several moral guilt-trippers who are blocking both entrances to inform you that vegetarianism is wrong because it hurts plants’ feelings. In any case, the reasonable alternative is to simply avoid the Bryan Hall Bridge all together. The injuries that one will incur from somersaulting head first down into the Amphitheater and bouldering back up the opposite hill far outweighs the stress of dealing with the Bryan Hall Asshole.
the search & find
Think you found everything in the Pleasantville Thanksgiving? Send an email to email@example.com, and let us know where it all is. If you're right, you'll win a prize!
the classtime “Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’” “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiving dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!”
madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130
“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__—who was convicted of trafficking __15__ to the world’s most powerful country, __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!”
“Enough with the introductions “Now here comes a classic—the tur__4__, let’s take a look at what this key balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avparade has to offer!” enue it—Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has burst into flames! It’s “First up today is the wonderful beyond belief! Beyond imagination! __5__ balloon! Can you believe the I can see celebrity balloon handler company chose to brand themselves __20__ running for her life. She— with a __6__? The company really she’s not going to make it! People took a turn for the worse __7__ years are taking shelter in the brand-new ago, when founder __8__ revealed __21__ Building! This is a day that that he’s actually a __9__.” will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!”
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copy editor It could be you! Apply Online! Advertising Manager AJ Nair Writers Spencer Schloss, Ana Saragoza Robert Mongi photographer John Soong distribution manager Peter Finocchio Social media manager Monica Mohapatra
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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