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The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 4 3/22/12 - 4/12/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_OM
breaking news! ryanne wrote this
“Attention Everyone! The Maynard W. Quimby Medicinal Plant Garden is on fire! Get inside immediately! People have already been affected and the city is being overrun! All of the area’s restaurants and gas stations are filled to capacity. It’s not safe to drive in these conditions! Let’s check in with our correspondents around Oxford to get a look at the madness.” “Thank you, Sarah. I’m here on the Square with the managers of some of the restaurants. Here we have the manager of Old Venice Pizza. Sir, can you tell me what your restaurant has been experiencing?” “Yes ma’am. Our restaurant has been taken over by ravenous patrons. They’ve been ordering massive pies, and some bills have totaled well over $100 for just a couple of people. Even the older people are ordering entire pizzas for themselves. I’ve never seen anything like it. We’re running out of food, and the kitchen staff is exhausted.” “Yes, it’s like that at Boure as well! We’re cooking anything we can find at this point. Our cooks are emptying out the freezers. There are lines upstairs and downstairs, but no one seems to be getting out of control. They’re just lazily waiting for more food.” “Is it like that at every restaurant?” “Yeah! At Irie some of the people found where we keep the extra food, and now there are people eating blocks of cheese and pickles.” “Well then. Back to you Sarah.” “It certainly is a sight out there guys. We’ve got a helicopter hovering above the highway, and there doesn’t seem to be any traffic trouble. If anything, everyone is
Other stuff
Inside
driving way slower! Let’s check in with the captain of Oxford Police." “Currently, we’re not pulling anyone over, because we just don’t have the manpower. The drivers seem to be moving slowly, and there haven’t been any wrecks. This is probably the calmest day we’ve ever seen on the roads. Hopefully, we can keep this up. We’ve got all our guys out keeping an eye on everything just in case something occurs, but if things continue this way we won’t have a problem. The only indication of something out of the ordinary are the people getting trapped on the roundabouts. They don’t seem to know how to get off, so we’ve got our guys out there directing traffic.” “Apparently the gas stations are experiencing crowds as well. We checked in with the cashiers at Double Quick and they say the slushy machines were completely empty within half an hour. The chips, candy, and drinks are flying off the shelves. No one seems to have a problem with the lengthy lines.”
The Top Ten Munchies
“The store most overrun is Wal-mart. The cashiers say the patrons have been mainly buying food and drinks. They also report unusual grocery combinations. Customers have been buying things like Velveeta and marshmallows, Nutella and Doritos, hot dogs and ice cream, among many other crazy things. All employees unaffected by the blaze have been asked to come into work, but there’s still outnumbered. Every register is open and the lines are growing by the minute.” “Once again, if you are not inside, get there quickly. The plant is still burning and more locals are being affected. The worst of the smoke is surrounding Hwy 6. If you’re on the other side, you should be safe. There have been reports of increased traffic on the highway as some seem to want to see for themselves. The fire department is trying to find the cause of the fire, and police are keeping an eye out for possible suspects. Stay tuned to WCBU for more details.”
Getting Over the Spring Break Slump
Free Kony?! Alright!
Ten tasty delectables for your munchie needs, not for the calorie conscious.
There’s no need to sit at home crying and eating your weight in frosting.
Really, who is going to turn this idea down?
see page 4
see page 7
see page 10