The Black Sheep
Fre e ex ...like on bo Va ot len y c tin alli e's ng day you ... r
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 2 2/08/12 - 2/22/12
theblacksheeponline.com
ANTI-VALENTINE’S DAY PARTY! Ryanne Flanders wrote this Purpose: To get drunk and forget that we are all forever alone and single and basically worthless. This provides everyone with a chance to hate on those who are not single, forever alone, and worthless. If you’re lucky, to find someone to bang and cry with after. Bring beer. Who’s Invited: Singletons. Bring coolers. Place: Empty ass, furnitureless, can’t possibly screw anything up, nothing to break college place on that one road everyone knows about but frequently passes and can’t possibly find in drunken stupor. The one off that main road that leads to everything. Bring Jameson. Time: When-the-hell-ever. But don’t show up before 10. That’s lame. All the cool parties are late. So like... Midnight. But really 2 a.m. Bring Captain Morgan. Host: A person who will kick your ass if you think about smoking, throwing up, having sex, or being all-around repulsive in their bedroom. That that to the back yard. Bring Ketel One. Dress Code: Whore-chic. Bring riesling. Directions: Drive until you see some cars going in the same direction and follow them until you happen upon a house with 5174518134875 cars parked in a space meant for 3. This should take about 3 hours, so leave home 5 hours early. On second thought, call a cab. Bring cranberry juice. Theme: Hate. Bitterness. Self-pity. Bring orange juice. RSVP: Call 555-SUCK-IT! (555-782-5481) to leave a voicemail that will never be listened to. Or you can tell a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who knows the guy who lives by the guy that knows the guy throwing the party. Bring ice. Special Notes: Guys, if you’re planning to get laid please know that you will have to listen to numerous
Other stuff
Inside
girls cry about how their ex-boyfriends from three years ago said they loved them and would never leave them, but here they are all alone, and they just really don’t understand, and want someone to love and hold, and they may possibly throw up on your shoes but at least they did it before you were in bed. Make sure to wear a condom because they probably have crabs.
the place for you. Bring condoms. He probably has crabs.
Girls, don’t think you’re going to find a boyfriend here. These guys are preying on your weakness and instability. If you don’t want to be left soulless walking down the street in your clothes from the night before, it would be best not to attend this party. If you must attend, don’t look anyone directly in the eyes. That is, unless you want to be used and abused. If that’s your thing, this is
If you’re not single, don’t come. Seriously. No one wants to see your smug face. So, don’t show up holding hands after your lovely, candlelit dinner thinking you’ll have a couple of drinks and go home. Really. Not a single person in that room wants you there. Go home and make boring, committed, monogamous sex.
The Top Ten
If you don’t like shit-shows, stay home. Chances are you’re in a relationship and this isn’t the place for you anyway. You should stay at home and play Taboo while drinking sangrias and reflecting on how well your life is going. By the way, we hate you.
Valentine’s Day From Every Perspective
Bartender of the Week
Ways to Increase Attendance at Basketball Games
Well, we left out the squirrel’s perspective, that guy’s nuts.
Ali from Burgundy Room doesn’t want to be found.
see page 7
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