The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com
Volume 2, Issue 1 1/26/12 - 2/08/12
How to Get Free Drinks Without Being Forced to Talk to the Douche That Bought You Them Annie Hiner wrote this In college everyone knows as the sun goes down, the boners go up, and every bar has a pack of wild animals searching for their sexual prey. Oftentimes these horndogs come in handy. Drinks at any Dinkytown bar may be cheap but hey, why not have some horny, drunk asshole pay for them? Everyone loves a free drink, yet the aftermath of answering pointless questions about your major and your classes can be a painful experience, especially when you know deep down he cares much more about the size of your bra. Shockingly, there are actually some ways to let him know that a three-dollar drink is not a ticket to a free lay. The Lesbian Card Pulling the lesbian card will make men feel extremely uncomfortable. If you’re dedicated, grab a friend’s hand and begin stroking it. He likely won’t believe you, yet even the drunk assholes of Dinkytown have some respect. If you’re lying, and he knows it, things still work in your benefit. Most guys find it a little embarrassing that you would rather grind with your fake girlfriend, than share a measly conversation about your classes. Usually they lose their pride and move on to the next bimbo. The Ex-Boyfriend Card Even the most desperate guys don’t want to hear you gush on and on about an ex-boyfriend. Guys don’t give a crap if you currently have a boyfriend, in hopes that you’re a cheating whore, yet being a psycho ex-girlfriend is a definite boner-shrinker. The key is to stay persistent and sound as insane as possible. Tell him that the song playing was “your song with him”. Tell him graphic information about your sex with him. Even tell him that you sleep with his t-shirt under your pillow. Just make sure the conversation never gets off topic, and he’ll be gone in no time in fear that sex with you would come with a whole lot of tears. Yuck. Just be Flat Out Weird Just start lying to the dude and making yourself sound like you came from different planet. Tell him you work at White Castle and drive a Segway to work. Tell him you worship cats and are famous on Myspace. Start chewing on your hair while you talk to him. Hell, if all else fails just stare at him silently until he walks away. This option requires great acting skills, because there is a chance he will call your bluff and fall in love with your great humor. Fake a Social Disorder Simply become real tense and start freaking out. Begin shuffling your hands quickly. Talk to him at a rapid pace and explain your severe condition and unbearable anxiety. Faking a social disease may send you directly to hell, but I’m sure you were probably headed there anyway. Pretend You’re in High School If you pretend you are in high school most men will become very freaked out and disgusted with themselves. The key is to make it very apparent that you are indeed
I'm cool, man. you can trust me and my moustache. see page 6
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I'm a Liberal Professor
an immature high schooler. Explain to the guy that the bouncer is your cousin and how excited you are to be in a bar. Start shrieking with joy. Finally, begin talking about how much you love the new Jonas Brothers song, and then it is guaranteed he’ll walk away feeling as perverted as R. Kelly. These dirty little tricks should help you drink that free beer without fear that it was equipped with hours of pointless conversation. Do know that the persistence of a drunken college guy sometimes can reach exponential levels. Levels so high that there is nothing you can say to remove him from your night. Luckily, there is one more thing you can do, it requires some cash and should only be done in emergency situations. When all else fails… Play Nickleback on the Jukebox Let’s be honest, even the horniest guy in the world wouldn’t bang you after that.
It’s easier than stealing candy from a baby. see page 7
How to Predict Someone’s Drink Order
your parents are paying for college, it can’t be that bad.
see page 11
#UMN Problems