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The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

theblacksheeponline.com

Volume 2, Issue 1 1/26/12 - 2/08/12

How to Get Free Drinks Without Being Forced to Talk to the Douche That Bought You Them Annie Hiner wrote this In college everyone knows as the sun goes down, the boners go up, and every bar has a pack of wild animals searching for their sexual prey. Oftentimes these horndogs come in handy. Drinks at any Dinkytown bar may be cheap but hey, why not have some horny, drunk asshole pay for them? Everyone loves a free drink, yet the aftermath of answering pointless questions about your major and your classes can be a painful experience, especially when you know deep down he cares much more about the size of your bra. Shockingly, there are actually some ways to let him know that a three-dollar drink is not a ticket to a free lay. The Lesbian Card Pulling the lesbian card will make men feel extremely uncomfortable. If you’re dedicated, grab a friend’s hand and begin stroking it. He likely won’t believe you, yet even the drunk assholes of Dinkytown have some respect. If you’re lying, and he knows it, things still work in your benefit. Most guys find it a little embarrassing that you would rather grind with your fake girlfriend, than share a measly conversation about your classes. Usually they lose their pride and move on to the next bimbo. The Ex-Boyfriend Card Even the most desperate guys don’t want to hear you gush on and on about an ex-boyfriend. Guys don’t give a crap if you currently have a boyfriend, in hopes that you’re a cheating whore, yet being a psycho ex-girlfriend is a definite boner-shrinker. The key is to stay persistent and sound as insane as possible. Tell him that the song playing was “your song with him”. Tell him graphic information about your sex with him. Even tell him that you sleep with his t-shirt under your pillow. Just make sure the conversation never gets off topic, and he’ll be gone in no time in fear that sex with you would come with a whole lot of tears. Yuck. Just be Flat Out Weird Just start lying to the dude and making yourself sound like you came from different planet. Tell him you work at White Castle and drive a Segway to work. Tell him you worship cats and are famous on Myspace. Start chewing on your hair while you talk to him. Hell, if all else fails just stare at him silently until he walks away. This option requires great acting skills, because there is a chance he will call your bluff and fall in love with your great humor. Fake a Social Disorder Simply become real tense and start freaking out. Begin shuffling your hands quickly. Talk to him at a rapid pace and explain your severe condition and unbearable anxiety. Faking a social disease may send you directly to hell, but I’m sure you were probably headed there anyway. Pretend You’re in High School If you pretend you are in high school most men will become very freaked out and disgusted with themselves. The key is to make it very apparent that you are indeed

I'm cool, man. you can trust me and my moustache. see page 6

Other stuff

Inside

I'm a Liberal Professor

an immature high schooler. Explain to the guy that the bouncer is your cousin and how excited you are to be in a bar. Start shrieking with joy. Finally, begin talking about how much you love the new Jonas Brothers song, and then it is guaranteed he’ll walk away feeling as perverted as R. Kelly. These dirty little tricks should help you drink that free beer without fear that it was equipped with hours of pointless conversation. Do know that the persistence of a drunken college guy sometimes can reach exponential levels. Levels so high that there is nothing you can say to remove him from your night. Luckily, there is one more thing you can do, it requires some cash and should only be done in emergency situations. When all else fails… Play Nickleback on the Jukebox Let’s be honest, even the horniest guy in the world wouldn’t bang you after that.

It’s easier than stealing candy from a baby. see page 7

How to Predict Someone’s Drink Order

your parents are paying for college, it can’t be that bad.

see page 11

#UMN Problems


02

Table of > > > PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 4 >>> page 10 >>> page 13 >>> PAGE 15 >>>

contents

What Not to Do On Your 21st Birthday

On ours, we walked home in the rain and missed a wet t-shirt contest. Top that.

4

13

15

The Top Ten

Ways to Spot a Minnesotan in a Crowd

Recipe for Disaster

whichever way you want to put together "sausage" and "bacon" is more than fine by us.

Our 2012 Predictions

Meet The Staff!

and in the end, john cusack still isn't able to save the world.

Spring Semester Prospectus

campus manager Luis Guitart

we give some insight on whether or not this semester is going to suck.

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY

Advertising Managers Delaney Coyle Hannah Comer distribution Manager Lamar Roberts

Contributing Writers Anne Hiner katrina nicholson campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?

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page three

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download our free app for iphone and android

so at least you can check the bar specials while in class. Little did Shelly know that the zombie apocalypse was about to start at midnight... with her!

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The first 5 right answers win prizes! word of the week >>> Hairvoyant

Jack Mini In

A Ragbag Cleanlier

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: One’s ability to judge the cleanliness of a potential mate’s pubic region based on their appearance when clothed. Bethany’s hairvoyant nature proved correct when she accurately predicted Kevin’s Black Forest balls.


04

THe top ten Ways to Spot a Minnesotan in a Crowd 10) Wilderness clothing: If you see someone wearing any type of clothing with animals looking majestic or stoic, chances are they're Minnesotan. Before you jump to this conclusion, however, you must take into account the manner in which they wear it. Minnesotans wear such clothing with pride, whereas others may wear it in a mocking matter. The usual Minnesotan way to display this pride is by wearing a nice big sweatshirt, with a giant moose looking across a beautiful lake, perhaps with a nice solid colored turtleneck underneath. If they're really Minnesotan, they may have the sweatshirt tucked into a nice pair of mom/dad jeans. 9) Polite driving: If you're on the road and you see someone going the speed limit, moving over to let a car merge onto the highway, or even moving over to let a faster car pass them, chances are overwhelming that they're Minnesotan. Minnesotans also have the habit of giving a thank you wave when someone else is polite. In any other state, this is completely unacceptable and even offensive. Minnesotans are often seen struggling in new environments where the drivers are harsh and realistic. It's a sad sight but it makes them easily identifiable.

What Not to do on Your 21st Birthday annie hiner wrote this Happy 21st Birthday! You’ve made it! Surprisingly all those Karkov, Redbull, and Robitussin binges didn’t bring you to beyond your death bed, though sometimes you wish they had. I know you are probably tired because your excitement made you sleep like a six-year old on Christmas Eve, but please listen closely, because you have a lot to learn. First, I know you’re eager, but don’t start too early, that’s a rookie mistake. I understand you’re a newly legal drinker and you are planning to skip your Spanish class to wait outside of Blarney until it opens, but remember patience is a virtue. You’ve been there a thousand times, so just be careful to avoid that awkward moment when the bartender realizes you have been using your older sibling’s ID since freshman year.

a shot for every wasted newly 21-year-old customer that she serves? All those 25-cent tips she’s earned should add up to a least one redheaded slut, right? It is extremely selfish of your waitress, but don’t take it to heart, she’s probably a whore anyway. Also, I know you are going to have a hard time deciding what to order. Shockingly, “surprise me with something fruity”, is not a drink order. You may want to look like an experienced bar patron, so order that beer. Please just know that that Bud Light is not going to score you any “cool points”. Therefore, go ahead and order that blue raspberry blended margarita, but be prepared to look like an asshole all night long.

"shockingly, 'surprise me with something fruitY' is not a drink order."

Second, know that starting too early results in ending too early. If you end your 21st birthday butt naked on your roommate’s bathroom floor with a penis drawn on your face at 11 o’clock, you’ve ruined the day you’ve been living for the past 21 years. Also, do not expect anyone to actually care that it’s your birthday. Sure, your friends will probably pretend to give a shit that it is “your special day”, but I can guarantee that the sad, lonely, 40-year-old man sitting next to you at the bar does not want to buy your annoying ass a shot. Don’t hassle your waitress either. She also does not want to buy you a shot. I know this is a difficult concept for you to grasp. Why shouldn’t this random girl want to buy

Lastly, let’s focus on your attire. I realize this is your birthday and it shall be known the world, but the crown, button, sash, and blinking red light you have picked out may be a little excessive. It may grab the attention of the other bar goers, but I’m quite certain that it is not the attention you’d be hoping for. Just stick to jeans and a t-shirt. It is without a doubt you’ll make it known to the world that it is your 21st, even without a trip to Party City.

All in all, I wish you the best. Drink up, don’t die, and enjoy the life of a 21-year-old. Say goodbye to your pay checks, because the bartenders at Library are waiting for your drunk ass… Sincerely, A 22-year-ol

8) Pronunciation of various words:  Minnesotans typically struggle with the correct pronunciation of the following words: Minnesota, bag, room, roof, gosh, no. Those are only the beginning of the embarrassing struggle we refer to as an accent. Minnesotans cannot speak correctly because we've been conditioned to hold out our vowels and overdo our O’s. It's entertaining for some, annoying to others but to a real Minnesotan, it's normal. 7) Pathetic love for the Vikings: Regardless of how terrible the Vikings are, a true Minnesotan will continue to stick by them. With one of the worst records in the NFL history, every Minnesotan still clung to the fact that we had Jared Allen. We had one good player and that was enough to fan the flame of fandom that coursed through the blood of every diehard Minnesotan. 6) Subsequent hatred for the Packers:  Even though the Packers had the potential to win the Superbowl and boasted one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history, a true Minnesotan hates the Packers on principle. It used to be cute to hate the Packers when the Vikings were actually decent, but now it just looks sad because we have nothing to back up our hatred. 5) Looking like a tourist at all times: Minnesotans have an innocent naiveté about them that is both endearing and troubling. They walk around the Mall of America still in shock and awe, even though they've been there countless times. They take photographs of things that don't need to be photographed and they act surprised by every novelty that comes their way. 4) Unnecessary curiosity regarding construction: A true Minnesotan will analyze all the possibilities of the structure and muse as to its future potential. They always want it to be some sort of restaurant or fast food chain; they hope and pray that it will have a drive through. However, almost every time it turns out to be a bank. 3) Lakes are a big part of life: Every Minnesotan has a weird connection to lakes. We have 10,000 of them so we might as well enjoy them, I guess. However, people have a weird loyalty to their lake. Especially the ones in Minneapolis. People have their favorite lake and they will defend it to the death. It's to the point where each lake has its own stereotype of the type of people who frequent it. 2) Soda is pop: I have no idea why, I don't think anyone knows... But we all refer to any soda drink as pop. Go to any other region in the U.S and they will have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. We constantly get made fun of, but we don't care. We think it's funny that other people are annoyed by it and we continue to do it. This is a defining part of being a Minnesotan. 1) Negative 30 degrees doesn't faze you: In the middle of winter, a Minnesotan considers 10 degrees a reasonable temperature. This December we had temperatures reaching the high 50s and I swear I saw people wearing shorts. Minnesotans will trek out in the dead of winter and act like it's no big deal. A true Minnesotan never complains about the temperature because they always know it could be a hundred times worse.

Katrina Nicholson wrote this


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SHOUT OUTS! Jake, you look like an idiot in those giant brown boots. Please don't let your mom buy you clothes again. -Mike and Steve To the DJ Saturday...Wearing expensive headphones does not make you an artist. Just play the songs for more than one minute each and don't drop the beat. Thanks. Drunk girl at Jimmy John's...you looked good with that mayo on your face. -dude in Rose jersey who gave you peppers Owning a dragon pillow pet is not acceptable for a grown man to have on his bed. Hide that shit. -Eggz Michelle, I had a great time stuffing snow down your pant and thanks for putting some down mine. I hope that helps explain what happened in bed. -John Blonde in the mini skirt at Sally's who asked me if I was related to Drew Carey...I hate you. There's NO CRYING IN (wii) BASEBALL - SCOTT!!! Jesssss - way to bring in the 21st...the bathroom smelled like Jager for a week... Ginger on crutches in the bookstore on Friday...if you REALLY wanted a piggyback ride up the stairs, you should have asked like you meant it. Amanda, next time we make out, warn me that you've had a tray of blue shots...smurftastic

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com


06

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I'm a liberal professor Ahem. Greetings class. I’m a liberal professor. Before I begin teaching today I would like to remind you that the structure of our course is highly experimental. i.e.: I have not planned anything out for it. So you can all stop this business of asking what is due or where you can find the syllabus. I believe that we need to undo all the “education” you’ve been getting and only use techniques that will teach you how to learn. I employ a modified version of the ancient Greek Socratic method, so you will mostly learn by listening to all of the anecdotes that come into my head during our truly aimless discussions. I have a moustache. I will curse frequently. I will make references to my wife and my sex life. Your inside will tell you that such jokes seem off. Your outside will laugh on cue. On a few days I will stop speaking for the duration of class and allow all of you to lead the discussion. It will be positively uncomfortable. Not unlike the future of our planet if people continue to fuck it up. In fact, I was just reading on the Huffington Post about baby polar bears who are drowning because of all the melting ice in the arctic. Who’s gonna save the baby polar bears? I’m certainly not. Are you? So let’s adopt some goddamn energy efficient everything to get Earth back to the way it was. Hrm. Sorry, class. My wife calls these my “Al Gore Moments.” Gore is on her bang list, along with Obama and Ulysses S. Grant. She likes politicians. I don’t like politicians. I especially don’t like, as you may have guessed, Republicans. Why any of these two-bit candidates are even on TV in the first place is beyond me. They’re all escapees from the loony bin.

Now, enough of that boring stuff. Hah. Class, let’s talk about the origins of happiness. I know them. I’m your professor. But rather than tell you what these origins are, I will instead call on one of you to see what answer you’ll contrive. Once you’ve inadvertently stated society’s prevailing notions of happiness and revealed your unique style of bullshit artistry to the class, I’ll completely shoot you down with a simple answer that is inarguably correct. Let’s begin. Genevieve: What are the origins of happiness? Success, you say? By success do you mean money? Even if that isn’t what you meant, you’re not wrong, Genevieve. Money provides comforts that definitely make life easier. Hell, I should know thanks to the sales from my last book. But contrary to what those Wall Street fuckwads will tell you, it isn’t money that gives us happiness. It’s love. Class, you don’t need a therapist; go have a long conversation with your parents about your childhood. You don’t need friends; go get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that’s everyone you need. You see, everything you’ve been told about how to live your life is a lie. Just remember, if it feels good and it doesn’t hurt anyone, do it. That’s what she said.

NOW HIRING!

So there you are, sitting in class (well, not really since you’re reading this) and you think to yourself, “Man, I wish I could be doing something fun right now...like writing about how much I hate campus parking, or why my friend who went to Wisco is now the biggest douchebag in the world!” Well good news—we want to cover those topics and more! Or maybe you want to market our awesome mobile apps and our website? Or you want to throw parties? Whatever it is, we want you on board...now!

writers | marketing & pr

UMN@theblacksheeponline.com


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How To Predict Someone’s Drink Order

annie hiner wrote this

Want to buy that hottie you spotted across the bar a drink? Not sure what to order? No worries, people are so predictable. When it comes to drinks, you can almost always judge a book by its cover. Superficial “Hot” Girls: These are the type of girls that turn everybody’s heads as they strut into the bar. These girls walk around campus like a pack of North Face-sponsored whores, putting little to no effort into their appearance. Yet, when the sun goes down they make a complete transformation. Even at the most disgusting dive bars these girls find it necessary to dress like they are being featured in a Jay-Z video, despite the fact that after a few drinks they are often seen stumbling around like crippled toddlers unable to function in heels. So what drink will have these hotties sitting on your face? Well vodka of course! Your best bet would be a vodka cranberry or vodka lemonade. Hot girls prefer anything with enough sugar to allow them to binge up that Caesar salad that they can’t get off their conscience. The typical hot girl also enjoys a good vodka soda or vodka tonic, that way she can eat a crouton the next day without falling into a deep depression. Drunk Parents: Game day arrives, and the bar is infested with parents decked out in your school colors. As much as you want to say, “your time has passed, get the hell out of here”, you also would like to brag to your friends that you got lucky with your best friend’s mom. The group of adults may average at an age of about 55, yet they are the “cool” parents who haven’t forgotten how to party. So what will have Mrs. Johnson stroking your leg, as Mr. Johnson drunkenly drools over the slutty cocktail waitress? Buy several pitchers of margaritas and Miller Lite, and you’ll be pressed against her mom jeans in no time. Moms love margaritas because tequila often voids the memories of all the old lady problems they possess, such as bunions, FUPAs, and hot flashes. Dads love Miller Lite because their wives make them. Order a few pitchers, and it is guaranteed that Mrs. Johnson will be grinding on you to the sounds of LMFAO, while Mr. Johnson’s casual waitress flirting allows him to achieve his first erection in 8 years. Everybody wins. Hipsters: Just when you think that those Zooey Deschanel, ironic love movies have been lying to you, you discover your perfect match across the bar. You can’t remember if you’ve seen him

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before in your dreams or if he is just the Jimmy Johns delivery man. Yet, if you are seeing through your thick-rimmed glasses correctly you’ve found your prince charming. You cannot wait to have a long drunken conversation about how much you both love Modest Mouse and Donnie Darko. So what drink do you buy for your hairy prince? It is required that you order a PBR tall boy. It would be foolish to offer him a PBR on tap, because Mr. Flannel’s obscure looking beer will bring him down three points on the trendy scale. If you are really trying to impress, buy him a shot of Jameson, but never with a chaser. A chaser will make him appear less of a man, as if the skinny jeans did'nt do the job already. Frat Bros: You’re in luck, you picked the perfect day to hit the bar. The guys from (insert house of your choice) are pre-gaming before their spring formal. You really want to order the President of the fraternity a drink. This is not because of generosity; rather in hope that a few more drinks will send him over the edge causing him to puke, cause a ruckus, and eventually be thrown out of the bar. So what drink will get him hard like a fresh new pair of Sperry’s? Unfortunately most bars do not have Keystone on tap, therefore you must buy him a Coors Light, Miller Lite, Miller High Life, or a Bud Light. Despite the fact that frat bros like to brag about their excessive amount of money at their “Young Republicans” meetings, they drink cheap beer. This may be because they simply don't know what a good beer is, or because they are saving up for new Ralph Lauren polos and Tiësto tickets. Whether you are looking to get laid, fall in love, or just for pure amusement, buying drinks for others often works in your benefit, especially when you know what to order. Keeping these simple ideas in mind will not only impress your friends with your psychic abilities, but may also let you finally cross off “hooking up with a MILF” on your bucket list.


The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

WEDNESDAY: 2-4-1 Everything Behind the Bar!

Tuesday: Hard Shell Taco Tuesday Birthday Night and Karaoke Drink free the week of your birthday (w/ 5 friends 21+)

Fridays & Saturdays Puck'n Bottle Special $8 Bud Light Taps in water bottle Ask your server for details $4 Bud Light Tap Refills $3.50 Bud Light 12oz. bottles Shoot to win prizes

AUC2D* (All-U-Care-2-Drink)

THURSDAY FRIDAY

$2.50 LITs $2 Coors Lite Pints Karaoke!

$2 Michelob Golden $2.50 Rails Live Music

2-for-1’s Nacho Platters Live DJ

Friday After Class (3-6p.m.) $1 pints, $1.50 margaritas Sizzling Fajita Platters

*(college or military ID for AUC2D)

$6 AUC2D Domestic Taps $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Wells $1 O-Bombs $3 Jack Daniels & SoCo

Happy Hour Every Single Day! Check Below for Times and Specials! Located at 1320 W. Lake Street in Uptown! Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm-12am) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

$2 Jäger, Cherry & O Bombs $3.50 Bud Light Bottles $4 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands Late Night Happy Hour! (7-10pm) $4 Vodka/Redbulls $3 Any Pint and Drink $17 Shipwreck & O Face Fishbowls

Friday Night Fish Fry Happy Hour (3pm-6pm): $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

$2 Jäger, Cherry & O Bombs $3.50 Bud Light Bottles $4 Bacardi Drinks $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands Late Night Happy Hour! (7-10pm) $4 Vodka/Redbulls $3 Any Pint and Drink

Kegs & Eggs from 10am-1pm Happy Hour (3pm-6pm) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

$3 U-Call-It’s $6 Bud Light Pitchers $11 Bud Light Beer Towers

Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers from 10am-Noon Breakfast Menu 10am-2pm Happy Hour (10pm-1am) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

$2.50 Well Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud Light Beer Towers

$2 Sloppy Jacks (Open to Close) Beer Pong Leagues Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm-12am) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

SATURDAY

$3 U Call It Shots $3 Domestic Bottles DJ Kazaam

Breakfast 10a.m-2p.m. Bloodies & Beer Pitchers of Jumbo Wings

SUNDAY

$7.99 All-You-Can-Drink Mimosas $9 Buckets of Beer $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Breakfast 10a.m-2p.m. Bloodies & Beer U Pick the Food Special (chimichangas, nachos, tacos, pitchers of wings)

MONDAY

$3 Coors Mugs $5 Double Jamo Ginger Open Mic Night!

2-for-1’s Chimichanga Night (that’s your burrito fried golden brown!)

TUESDAY

South of the Border Night $3 Mexican Beers $3 Tequila Shots

Hard Shell Taco Tuesday Birthday Night and Karaoke Drink free the week of your birthday (w/ 5 friends 21+)

$3 U-call-it’s

Trashy Can Tuesday: $1.50 Cans Live Acoustic Music Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm12am): $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

Team Trivia with big prizes 29cent Jumbo Wings

15¢ Wings (9pm ‘til they’re gone) $8 Bottomless Mugs (Miller Lite, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart) $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

$3 Mini Menu from 6pm-Close (includes $3 pitchers of Miller Lite from 6pm-9pm) Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm12am): $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

WEDNESDAY

2-4-1 Everything Behind the Bar!


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WILD WEDNESDAYS! $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots Live DJ/Dancing | College I.D. Night Free Drinks 11pm - Midnight (w/ college I.D.) $5 Cover Without College I.D.

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday

SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyone Drinks Free! 9:30pm - 10:30pm Plus, 10 P.M. to Close: $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

1/2 Price Apps Ladies Drink Free 9pm-11pm

THURSDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-midnight $2.50 "U" Call Its $1.50 Miller Lite Taps $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-midnight $3.00 Long Islands 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

FRIDAY

Happy Hour: 3-midnight $2.50 "U" Call Its $1.50 Miller Lite Taps $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-midnight $3.00 Long Islands 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

SATURDAY

S.I.N (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

45 Cent Wings All Day

SUNDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its 99 cent taco's from 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Taps and Rail Drinks 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers

MONDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its $2.50 Cheeseburger and Fries 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Bottles and Rails 9-close

Everyone Drinks Free! 9:30pm - 10:30pm Plus, 10 P.M. to Close: $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm

TUESDAY

White Trash Wednesday Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its Free bacon from 9pm till it's gone 25 cent wings 3-midnight $1 PBR and High Life Tall Boys $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-close

WILD WEDNESDAYS! $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots Live DJ/Dancing | College I.D. Night Free Drinks 11pm - Midnight (w/ college I.D.) $5 Cover Without College I.D.

$1 Tacos 3pm-close

WEDNESDAY

S.I.N (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-11 $2.50 "U" Call Its $1 Domestic Taps and Rails $2 Import Taps 9-close

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The Bar Grid


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Bartender

of the

Issue

r Ross Gebaunde eatery

loon a a s 's y l l a S

Nick Name: Rossanova Age: 21 Status: Single Major: Global Studies and Political Science Drink Recipe: Long Island Ice Tea—Gin, Triple Sec, Vodka. Rum, Sour Mix, Splash of Coke Shot Recipe: Rumpleshots— Straight Rumplemintz “I Dare You” Recipe: Aborted Fetus Shot—Peach Schnapps, Bailey’s, Splash of Grenadine Porn Name: Filipino Fyre Tattoos: 2 Bear Claws on forearms, Greek tattoo on ribs,

drinking game:

thumper

Thumper? I don’t even know her. The game that makes the moment at every party where it’s time to give the busty chick the universal gesture for jacking off go considerably smoother. What You’ll Need: Stable furniture, pent-up aggression, friends, and any form of alcohol. (Germans are not necessary but highly recommended.) Number of Players: Six people will work; but the more people you’ve got, the higher level of perversion you’ll reach. Shoot for eight to twelve. Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough that you’ll wake up to find a VCR improperly installed to your microwave with the melted sequel to Bambi inside. How to Play: - Gather everyone around a table, they’re allowed to beat the crap out of it. - Each player comes up with his/her own hand gesture. If you’re stumped, try to think of a gesture you’d like to see the tittly girl sitting across from you perform. - After all players have gotten a chance to remember everyone else’s gestures, everyone begins drumming on the table, and they do so until the round ends. - The leader then shouts, “What’s the name of the game?” And everyone else answers, “Thumper!” The leader then asks, “Why do we play?” And everyone responds, “To get fucked up!” Or, “To hinder judgment and make sexually suggestive hand signals that will hopefully lead to a poor decision at some point later tonight!" - The leader then performs his gesture (say, air-drinking a cup of tea with proper, pinkieextended technique) followed by another player’s gesture (say, fisting to forearm depth in the circle he made with his other arm). The player whose gesture was last performed, Air-Fister (not to be confused with the porn-version of The Last Air Bender), now does his own gesture followed by a different player’s gesture. - The round continues until a player either screws up one of the two gestures, takes too long to finish, or forgets a gesture entirely. The drumming then stops and the loser is singled-out with chants of, “You suck (5x). Drink bitch!” - The loser then becomes the new leader and the cycle repeats. The game is over: Once you’ve shattered your roommate’s glass coffee table and he doesn’t even give a shit.

Original Designed Tattoo by my best friend on bicep Least Favorite Animal: Hate! Hate! Hate Dolphins! They should die. (Read about Dolphin rape caves on Google and you’ll know) Celebrity Threesome: Me, Jessica Alba, and Mila Kunis Hangover Cure: Rumplemintz Life Motto: Dad always says, “If you want something done do it yourself, and do it right the first time” Favorite Sex Position: Doggy Style. Keep it simple

recipe for disaster:

Bacon-Wrapped Sausage or Sausage-Filled Bacon Bacon or sausage? Always with the ultimatum. Tired of having to order a number six and a seven off the breakfast menu at the local D’s just to do what they should already be doing? Yeah, I’m talking about merging the deliciousness of those wavy strips of red, white, and reddish-white brown and the lusciousness of those links of porkish-ecstasy. Enough talk. Let’s put this pig back together. What You’ll Need: Toothpicks, a 1/2 lb. of bacon, and a 1/2 lb. package of pork sausage are all that’s required, but a few slices of American cheese, maple syrup, two encased dead baby chickens, and about a quarter box of pancake mix will allow you to finish the job that Ronny McDonny has always refused to. Cook Time: Drunk, a good hour. Sober, forty-five minutes. Fatty Factor: There are 560 calories in a sausage McGriddle and 420 calories in the bacon variant. That’s roughly 1,000 calories - so double that. Let’s Get Baked: - While still in the package, slice the bacon strips in half length-wise. Cut the sausage into pieces roughly the same width as your bacon. - Wrap the bacon strips around the sausages and hold in place with toothpicks. - Place your mini Franken-pigs on a cookie sheet and throw these puppies in the oven set at 300°F for 45 minutes. (Optional) McMcGriddle or The Number 67 - So you’ve decided that you’re capable of making executive decisions at McDonald’s and you’re about to make the McMcGriddle at four in the morning, congrats. If you’re in a poor enough condition that you need instructions to scramble eggs and pan up some cakes, maybe you shouldn’t push your luck any further. You’re going to need it to remember to remove the toothpicks. - Shove your eggs and your meat abomination inside a big-ass pancake and fold. You’ve just created a completely mobile breakfast. Go fuck yourself, cereal bar.


11

www.theblacksheeponline.com

#UMNproblems Annie Hiner wrote this

Here at the University of Minnesota we pride ourselves on our diversity, rankings, and research. Yet, shit isn’t always sunny in Minneapolis. We are infested with sorostitutes, Carlson douchebags and lousy out-of-staters We walk 30 miles to class in the blistering snow. We also have one of the worst football teams in the NCAA. Sure, FlexDine pays for my morning latte, yet sometimes shit gets real hard around these parts, and that is why we have #umnproblems. •

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The Jazz Man got fired, now how am I supposed to enjoy the campus connector? #umnproblems Gosh why does Boynton have to be closed on Sundays? Now I have to spend 40 dollars on the morning after pill at CVS. #umnproblems I got mugged on my way to marketing. #umnproblems What the hell is Mike Gould even talking about? #umnproblems Who is Marqueis Gray anyway? #umnproblems SigEp. #umnproblems I got my real ID taken away at Burrito Loco. #umnproblems I bought football season tickets and I haven’t even gone to a game. #umnproblems I live in Bailey. #umnproblems I didn’t get invited to the pirate party. #umnproblems I have to walk by the plasma center to get to my apartment. #umnproblems If I see another Spring Jam party tank, fanny pack, and neon sunglasses I think I might lose it. #umnproblems The self check out at CVS ruined my day. #umnproblems

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I still have free Durex condoms and banana flavored lube from freshman year. #umnproblems Where are all the straight guys? #umnproblems The only thing I gained from that class was sudoku skills. #umproblems I can’t walk to class without being chased down my Mormons and social activists. #umnproblems That bitch has the same fedora as me. #umnproblems I’m banned from Mesa. #umnproblems I have to drive to Taco Bell. #umnproblems All my old fun, party friends from freshmen year transferred to Augsburg. #sober #umnproblems The drunk bus is taking forever. #umnproblems Shit, my parents found out that I bought their Christmas presents with my student account… That they pay for. #umnproblems Fuck Paradigm copies. #umnproblems I have to buy a five dollar coffee that I don’t even want just to use Purple Onion’s shitty internet. #umnproblems


our 2012 predictions February 5: After Tom Brady secures a 27-25

Super Bowl victory on a Hail Mary, Tim Tebow appears above the crowd to denounce him as Satan. An epic battle ensues, with Brady winning. Tebow dies and immediately ascends to heaven, unlike Jesus, who had to wait three days.

By Brendan

April 5: On the night NBC

airs the series finale for critical darling Community, show creator Dan Harmon commits suicide. He leaves a note littered with sex jokes, references to alcoholism and forced laughter, titling it, “Are You There, Idiots, It’s Me, Dan.”

June 6: Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, unveils the iPhone 5 to a stunned audience. The updated Siri software offers several voice options, ranging from “sassy black lady” to “unintelligibly Asian.” Shareholders vote him out later that week.

march 22:

january 30: In a shock-

ing move, Arrested Development creator Mitchell Hurwitz announces there will be no movie, claiming, “…And that’s why you don’t expect anything good to happen, ever.”

Less than six months after filing for divorce, Kim Kardashian shocks the world with a surprise second marriage, to a mirror. When questioned, Kim replies, “Because now I’m always with someone I truly love.”

may 18: Universal pictures releases board game science fiction film Battleship. Across the United States several branches of the National Alliance for Mental Illness protest the film, asking that Universal stop releasing films that “pander to our demographic.”

The Dark Knight Rises (as Will Your Penis When Watching the) Trailer Holy fucking shit— if this is the year I finally die from alcohol, the Mayan apocalypse, or butt worms, please let it be after I see The Dark Knight Rises. A life lived without seeing the third act of the Batman thrill-ogy would clearly be a life not worth living at all. Down the road, when all of us are on our respective deathbeds (from the inevitable plagues of Robot-Lupus and Super-Diabetes), at least each of us will be able to remember marriage, having kids, and of course—watching The Dark Knight Rises. So far, our groveling nation has only been privy to the trailer of said movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, you’re an idiot, but don’t worry… your fun Uncle Justin is here to walk you through the experience of this anythingbut-average trailer. It begins with the National Anthem being sung by a small child at a football stadium. It’s the calm before the impending storm—a storm that’s brewing both on the screen and in your pants. A quick straightening of your trouser region is encouraged to free up some room at this point, as your Dick Cheney will be readying himself to fire at someone or something at any time. At this point, you’re going to be sweating a lot. There’s really no getting around it, either—I mean, you’re getting aroused, your pre-boner is in effect, and you’re watching the new Batman trailer; it’s only natural that you’re dripping moisture as if a post-Katrina levee has broken all over you. Suddenly, Christopher Nolan’s name flashes across the screen causing your schlong to go from a halfchub to a Rigid Richard in record time.

You’ll debate trying to hide this Woody Allen of yours, but ultimately decide that pulling your attention away from this trailer isn’t worth it. Plus, if anyone were to call you out on it, you could instantly question why they were fixated on your crotch when there is nothing but pure Batman-badassery taking place on the giant screen in front of them. The screen then cuts to Bane watching a gaggle of gunwielding convicts emerge from a hole in a prison wall. Flashbacks from a Thanksgiving parade in Detroit start flooding back to you as your vision begins to narrow from this fear-boner situation. This causes more blood from your brain to rush away from your senses and down to your already-fiery crotch. Congratulations, your ticket to Boner-roo can now be punched. Your fingers grip the armrests and the muscles in your legs start to twitch uncontrollably. A football field explodes on screen and a soft involuntary grunt comes out of your mouth. You’re so close to sexual release that you debate pulling a Pee Wee Herman and just pumping those last few strokes out, but alas, you reconsider when you remember what happened to him after that. Even though you know the consequences, you can’t help yourself. Between the pure, unadulterated awesomeness of every gadget, the Batwing chasing tanks, and epic battle scenes from start to finish, you finally break and start orgasming uncontrollably. You make an erect deposit in the front of your pants just as the final image fades.

A few moments pass and you regain control of your body once again. You take a quick survey of your surroundings before you slink out of the theater (since you really only came for The Dark Knight Rises trailer and don’t really give a shit about watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol). You make the awkward walk to the bathroom and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Once you’re there, you’ll clean up that pool of Hellman’s man-naise that has collected in your underpants and head home to bed to see it all over again in your dreams.


2012 predictions July 20: In a surprise

reveal, audiences discover The Dark Knight Rises is also a sequel to another Christian Bale vehicle: American Psycho. Christopher Nolan explains that Batman is actually the psychotic Patrick Bateman’s humbler, do-gooder split personality.

september 8: In a last-gasp attempt to remain relevant, Miley Cyrus’ Playboy spread hits newsstands. Pedophiles ignore her for being too old, while the rest of the world continues to masturbate to DVDA internet pornography.

November 6:

In his Presidential victory speech, 3rd party candidate Ron Paul reveals the true extent of his previous hints at racism, noting, “I'm going to show every black woman in this bitch my white house!”

october 2: Less august 12: Dr.

Dre’s long-anticipated Detox is finally released. Accountants in their mid-thirties the world over rejoice, while high school kids wonder why Eminem’s step dad is rapping.

cd review

than a year old, Blue Ivy Carter, the daughter of Jay-Z and Beyonce, releases her first album, Destiny’s Child. It debuts at #1 on Billboard, and makes the prodigy the youngest self-made millionaire ever.

out now

skrillex Bangarang EP The latest from the god of dubstep certainly is bangin’.

The world wakes to K’iche’, the Mayan god of death. With John Cusack on vacation the world’s leaders are forced to nuke the entire world to prevent K’iche’s dark reign, thus fulfilling the prophecy.

GRADE B

It’s easy to hate on dubstep (just bass drops and weird noises, right?) just like it’s easy to hate on any genre; pop music is just over-produced whiney white girls singing about boys and rap music is just Autotuned black dudes rappin’ about guns and bitches. So, if you want to believe the generalizations, fine – be content with Taylor Swift and T-Pain, but the latest from mainstream dubstep darling, Skrillex, dares to be more than just that. The Bangarang EP is enough for anyone—new listeners get a taste for the style and dubstep diehards get their fix of original beats, sounds and a few surprising bass drops. It’s nothing to write home about, but it certainly gets you in the mood.

plays up more direct enthusiasm and originality than the former. The rest of the album continues on in a perfect mess of loud, nasty beats, setting the mood for a partially blacked-out weekend night. “Breakin’ a Sweat” features samples from The Doors, which is pretty interesting, and is also slightly Girl Talk of him, but still really good. “Right on Time” is another awesome track with a seemingly endless build up that leaves you perfectly on edge, on edge, on edge—just before it slows down long enough to bring you back to reality with an ideal bass drop. It’s a track like this that shows Skrillex knows exactly what he’s doing and not just some punk with a sound machine.

In case you aren’t aware and/or above it all, Skrillex is a 24-year-old producer who has pioneered the dubstep/electronic scene in the past few years. He’s been nominated for five Grammy awards this year, including Best New Artist for his explosive hit, “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites.” It’s the tune barely-legals and early twenty-somethings will be playing in their minds when they reminisce about their first time taking ecstasy. Ahh, the simple things in life. With his sweet hair-do and incredible energy, it’s no wonder Skrillex has been the face of this blossoming genre.

You have to take this music in stride, though. Just like you wouldn’t blast Bon Iver before a tailgate, you wouldn’t listen to Skrillex softly in the background whilst studying for a philosophy exam. But for those who still aren’t convinced, I tempt you to see this dude perform. As with most music, it’s far more amped up when seen live, and that enthusiasm is propelled into any future instance of listening to said music. You remember the lights, the sounds, and the feeling you had when you were with your friends, dancing and loving life. Drugs? Yeah, maybe, but music like this makes you feel just as good.

Naturally, the Bangarang EP is only 7 songs, but within those 30 minutes is some of his more ambitious material. The title track featuring Sirah is the first standout. “Kyoto” is another track featuring this Sirah lady, and definitely

December 20:

Sounds Like: Bloops, bleeps, and some sweet bass drops. Download: Bangarang, Right on Time, Kyoto Listen to it When: Anytime you aren’t trying to focus.

UPCOMING RELEASES Craig Finn - Clear Heart Full Eyes Ingrid Michaelson - Human Again

Nada Surf -The Stars are Indifferent to Astronomy

Tim McGraw- Emotional Traffic Rodrigo y Gabriela - Area 52

Lamb of God - Resolution Kellie Pickler - 100 Proof


The Black Sheep Spring Semester Presents

2012 Prospectus

Think spring 2012 is destined to a semester-long balls-to-the-wall blast? Certain that the 18 hours you’re forced to take will keep you sunshine-free until late May? Fear not! The Black Sheep is here to help.

social life

+1 For each bar within walking distance of your apartment. +1 For every 100 miles away your spring break destination is. +1 For every sitting area your apartment has. +1.5 For each member of the opposite sex living less than three doors away from you. +2 For each friend you have working in the service industry. +2 For every late-night food establishment or taxi cap number in your phone. +2 For each person you know who can sneak you into a campus cafeteria. +3 For each $1,000 in student aid you have left in your bank account. +3 For each club you happily participate in. +10 For each credit card your parents gave you. -1 For each person you have to share a bathroom with. -1 For every year old your car is. -2 For every 50 miles away your significant other is. -5 For each resume-building club you’re in.

SOCIAL LIFE SCORE: ________

work +2 For every dollar above minimum wage you make. +4 If your manager is the same age as you. +5 If your place of work closes by sundown. +10 If you don’t have a job and your parents support you. -5 If you work in the service industry.

WORK SCORE: ________

class

+1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +2 For every $100 your parents gave you for books. +3 For each class you’re taking in a lecture hall. +4 For each class you’re taking with a friend this semester. +5 For each GPA-boosting elective you’re taking. -1 For every hour before 11 a.m. that class begins, or after 3 p.m. class ends. -2 For each class you’re taking in a small classroom. -3 For each group project on a syllabus. -.25 For each page of classwork you’re required to hand in this semester.

CLASS SCORE: ________

Now add up your score.

A scale of 1-100 will give an accurate measure of how rockin’ your semester will be. Score 100 and you’ll be tagging tail like a genuine beaver trapper. 50? You can do better. 0, um, just stay away from the bleach, okay?

TOTAL SCORE: _____/100


the madlib:

the bookstore Man, I’m so happy my parents decided to give me $__1__ for this semester’s books, after that __2__ GPA last semester I was scared my parents would make me pay my own tuition. Thank god that didn’t happen, can you believe I actually started looking for a job at __3__? According to my list I’m going to need the book for __4__. And… it’s $__5__. Seriously? It’s like the professors are trying to __6__ me with a __7__ wrapped in __8__. Plus, by my count that money could be better spent on two dozen __9__ of __10__. And what’s with this optional reading bullshit? This professor I’ve never met, __11__, recommends that I spend $__12__ so I can learn more about the __13__ of the __14__? It’s like he doesn’t even know that __15__ exists. Well, at least I should spend some of this money on school supplies, by the end of last semester I was drawing pictures of __16__ on a __17__ using a __18__, and that’s gotta change. But can you believe __19__ cost $4 each? I can just make my own out of __20__ and spend the cash at __21__. And why do __22__ come in packs of __23__? I only need one. Eh, I’ll just steal it. If this semester is anything like the last I should probably look into that job at __24__.

1) Amount of money 2) Last semester’s GPA 3) Crappy place of employment 4) Class you’re taking 5) Amount of money 6) Depraved act 7) Object 8) Flexible object 9) Things 10) Thing 11) Professor’s name 12) Amount of money 13) Feature

14) Person or people 15) Vaguely credible website 16) Something vulgar 17) Odd object 18) Poor writing tool 19) School supply 20) Household item 21) Local restaurant 22) School supply 23) Number 24) Crappy place of employment

class tim e

class tim e


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Minny - 1/25/12 - v02i01