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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 7, Issue 2 9/06/12 - 9/13/12

theblacksheeponline.com @TheBlackSheepMSU

Students Found Dead After Consuming Cafeteria Fare Hannah Borland wrote this

EAST LANSING, MI - 17 students were found dead in Michigan State University’s residence halls this past weekend. Their cause of death is presumed to be dehydration and “completely shredded colons” due to “intensely excessive” diarrhea, said the Ingham County coroner. Epidemiologists working on site were unable to determine one specific source of the illness - however, multiple experts say that the university’s overstaffed and unsanitary dining halls might be to blame. “Why anyone would pay to eat in these cafeterias is beyond me,” said noted food biologist Dr. Eliot Snow, “It’s like throwing massive amounts of money at a roulette table, and hoping the ball lands on the right color. But, by ‘roulette table’ I mean ‘overpriced foodservice,’ and by ‘lose your money’ I mean ‘slowly and painfully squirt your life out of your asshole.” He went on to describe MSU’s various dining halls as, “the most fecal-matter infested places I’ve ever been, and I regularly visit countries where cholera is still a threat.” Friends and fellow students of the deceased diners said that they had no idea of neither the dangers of the cafeteria nor of their peers’ illness. Clyde Thompson, roommate of 19-year-old deceased Timothy Hawthorne said, “Sure, Timmy was spending a lot of time in the bathroom, but I figured he had just met a new girl in WoW or something.” Thompson discovered Hawthorne’s body late on Friday night after returning from the MSU vs. Boise State football game, and immediately called 911. One of the deceased was found in his third floor bathroom after residents on the second floor reported a mysterious substance dripping from the ceiling, which, upon analysis, was found to contain remnants of The Gallery at SnyderPhillips’ Pub Menu. Parents of the deceased, as well as the student body, have been demanding answers from the university. In a statement released on Monday, one of MSU’s noted Board of Trustees members said, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I mean— we’ve redecorated nearly every campus dining room. Does a fresh coat of paint and the promise of slightly-better-than-average quality food service not prevent these kinds of things from happening?” The rest of MSU’s board shrugged and nodded noncommittally in agreement with this statement - then returned to their

"freshman's first" a one act play a tragedy unseen since kinglear

page 5

usual agenda of awarding themselves pay increases and supporting the Republican Party. Meanwhile, students continue to ingest the suspect food, only hoping to avoid death. “We don’t have much of a choice, do we?” said West Circle resident Paul Pierce, “As on-campus students, we’re strong-armed into buying meal plans. So it’s either we pay a ton of money to eat there and risk food poisoning, or pay a ton of money to not eat there and acquire syphilis from Rice Kitchen instead. At this time, epidemiologists and on-campus health personnel agree that while prevention is best, it is also unrealistic under MSU’s current “if you’re not a football player, you’re just a dollar sign” policy.

what’s inside

red cedar river monsters something evil's in the red cedar, and it isn't puke

page 7

“Students would be more successful surviving by simply recognizing the symptoms of deadly food-borne illness,” said Dr. Snow, “Perhaps you notice that your roommate no longer has that post-coital glow after going to the bathroom, or they’re groaning like a zombie while on the toilet. Maybe you’ve noticed him or her eating a few of those ‘not-quite-dead-yet’ burgers that are handed out in the cafeterias like free Bibles. Perhaps you noticed the unsavory character serving their food had a few more skin-maggots than usual. In these cases, you should consider that person at-risk, and report their condition immediately.” No further deaths have been confirmed, however, and no steps have been taken to reduce the feces content of MSU’s cafeterias or remove E. coli smearing workers.

east lansing's real estate robber barons

thankfully, you can collect $200 from your parents.

page 10


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Taylor Swift & Andrew Cooper

It's gonna be a soccer player Le'Veon Bell, baby! Yeah! (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Blognosis:

Any self-categorized illness one gives him or herself after researching symptoms of diseases on the internet.

“Toby gave himself a spinal meningitis blognosis after researching neck pain on WebMD.”


page 4

Your First Gameday: A Timeline

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Andrew Rickerman wrote this

Today is the day. Game day.

doing the next one then.”

7:00 a.m: The essentials are in front of you. Pop-Tarts - check. “Vintage” Jeff Smoker jersey, circa 2003 - check. Your good comrade Popov - da! You and your roommate get cleaned up and sauced in no time, meet up with some fellow delinquents who you guess you consider “friends,” and head to an unknown tailgate.

“I don’t know, man, I’m already pretty drunk,” you reply, trying to sound as pathetic and lame as possible. This doesn’t help your cause. “What’s the problem? Won’t be able to get your little baby dick up later?” Your so-called friends pile on, “Baby dick, baby dick!”

8:00 a.m: On this fine morning East Lansing looks like a totalitarian state. There are police patrols lining the street, barricades on every corner, and armored vehicles prowling the streets. But at the same time, Jell-o shots are being consumed like candy, one out of three people is pissing on something, and children are left playing amongst the madness as if nothing is wrong. 8:23 a.m: You sheepishly approach a tailgate, fully acknowledging that you have no business being there, and attempt to be as inconspicuous as possible. You haven’t been berated yet, and have only been interrogated about who you know here three or four times. All is going well, until a crazed individual approaches you. He has a beer-bong in hand, and his sights are set on you. It’s almost as if he knows you have one of the weakest stomachs known to man, and wants to put it to the test. He slurs, “Wanna bong a beer?” “I, uhhh, have never really done one before.” He responds in an excited tone, “Oh shit, you are definitely

8:30 a.m: You say, like the forefathers before us once did, “Give me the damn bong.” 8:31 a.m: You stand up as beer drips from your chin. This is awful. The evil concoction of booze and Pop-Tarts inside you needs to be exorcised. You try to make it to the side of the house before the “matter” in your bowels erupts from your mouth, but it’s too late. Popov Tarts. 8:33 a.m: Clutching your knees with snot and tears running down your face, you look up from your hunched position to view the damage. There, lying on the hood of a 2012 Ford Escape is a pyramid-like pile of puke. You can sense that your welcome at the tailgate has expired. It’s time to leave. After wiping your face on your beloved Jeff Smoker jersey, you and your friends are off to Spartan Stadium to wait in line and uh, sober up. Jeff would be proud. 10:21 a.m: After only one small, urine-related incident in line and at least ten seconds of groping courtesy of the ELPD at the gate, you are safely at your seat.

Keeping Summer Alive

12:06 p.m: The morning has been fairly disastrous all things considered, but wait… what’s this gift on the seat? A towel! You tie as many towels into knots as possible and begin hurling them into the mass of people below you. Tying towels has never felt more exhilarating in your life. 12:36 p.m: With 8:34 left in the 2nd quarter, a security guard approaches and escorts you out of the stadium, saying something about “hurting people” and “belligerently drunk.” So, that’s it. No re-entry. Your first football game as an actual Spartan ended before you even got to halftime. Shunned and boozed, you head back to Brody to eat your feelings in the cafeteria the way you paid to.

Zoe Kremke wrote this Although heartbreaking to discuss, it is clear to everyone that summer is coming to a close. The first day of classes has come and gone, and campus is filled with students who are both ready to cheat through their schoolwork and better themselves class by class (only to sleep through every other one). And if you think about it - like an old, injured rabbit that doesn’t move very often, you’re really only a hop, skip, and jump away from winter. But don’t worry, even though it looks like summer is over, it’s totally not done yet! With at least a couple more weeks of global warming-weather left to live it up, here are three things you can do to keep the crazy party-train rolling! Task 1: Go outside wearing little to no clothing. Get out there in your swimsuit (or naked, if you have a backyard that is not next to an elementary school) and sunbathe your sweet, sweet body until you lose track of time and forget to go to class. I know, I know… the incoming fall weather isn’t exactly “ideal” for creating that bronzed Mario Lopez look, but why the hell not, people? Just because “society” and the “weather” tell us that it’s ten degrees cooler, suddenly we’re not allowed to strip down and lay out our bare genitals anymore? Pick the most public spot you can find and let your peers bask in all of your goose-bumped glory (point value doubled if done while reading one of R.L. Stine’s many classics). If nothing else, you can certainly show those pasty newbs

heading to class what living looks like. “It’s a bit nippy,” you say? Wimp. Put a damn scarf on (and only a scarf) and enjoy yourself before global warming goes too far. Task 2: Relive summer via film. When it’s just too goddamn hot to go outside and/or your neighbor filed a restraining order on you for refusing to wear clothes because it’s “your yard, your nudity,” it’s time to cut your losses and go back inside. Because, really, when you just can’t bare (ha!) to go outside and play baseball with your friends, go to an amusement park with Jesse Eisenberg, or get chased by a murderer, there’s no better replacement than the cool breeze of your Lil’ Blizzard whipping at your face as you watch The Sandlot, Adventureland or I Know What You Did Last Summer. Even if you’re one of those people who “needs to get fresh air” or whatever, you still have to go inside sometimes. Where there’s TV and various devices that play movies, which are pretty much like books, but waaay faster. Well, unless you’re poor or Amish. Task 3: Keep the shorts short. Because Michigan’s weather is as unpredictable as your middle-aged parents’ sex life, it could be freezing in two weeks or two months. That being said, it’s absolutely imperative that everyone continues to wear as little clothing as possible while the weather permits. Well, unless you’re

frumpy. In which case, stay inside, Frumps McGoo! For those of us who can pull it off, keeping it skimpy will not only keep your skin tanned the natural way (which is like, totally healthy when you factor in all the Vitamin D and stuff), it will also be much easier to spot all of the ‘tang you wanna bang! Ow! I mean, uh, it’ll be nice to walk to class in cool, comfortable clothing. Assuming you’re not one of those weirdos who loves winter and snow and hates happiness and puppies - you should get started on the end-of-summer-kindof-a-bucket-list we just worked really hard to make for you. And that’s not because we’re impatient, it’s just because we want you to do what all of your middle school friends wanted you to do: H.A.G.S. (H.A.K.A.S. for those of us who didn’t have mothers).


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“Freshman’s First”A One-act Play Cody Manthei wrote this jorts dragging me into the kitchen and saying, “Well, fresh meat, here’s your initiation!” Brian takes a drink of water. Chaz is speechless, expecting the worst. BRIAN: No, not that, not that weird. Next thing I know though, I’m shot-gunning half a fifth of whiskey. I took it like a champ, but then the darkness started closing in. CHAZ: And then? BRIAN: Well, I remember coming to with a live snake in my hand. They were playing some game called Snake Bite. Not sure on the official rules, but, basically, you pass a live snake around a circle and if it bites you, you chug a beer. CHAZ: Did you get bitten? Scene opens on a freshman, Brian, curled up in a ball on a red futon in his Holden Hall dorm room. Tears forming in the corners of his eyes accentuate his stolid face. Chaz, Brian’s roommate, enters with a tall glass of water and three Midol 800s. Chaz pulls his desk chair closer to the futon, spins it backwards and sits as he hands the “Recovery Kit,” as he calls it, to Brian. CHAZ: Here, I got these from the girl down the hall. She said they would take care of your pain. Brian takes the pills from Chaz. CHAZ: Tell me what happened. BRIAN: I can only piece it together, but every moment I begin to remember is horror. I wish I could pull all the information out of the dark, but I-I just can’t. Brian chugs the water and pops the Midol before starting. BRIAN: Well, it started out just like any night. Drinking a couple beers with the chicks on five—the chick with the tits. She said her brother was having a house party and I should come. I didn’t think anything of it, maybe I was a little nervous, but I was also excited. I mean, it’s happening, my first, real MSU party. So we started walking.

BRIAN: Three times. Brian holds up his hand that shows three sets of bite wounds. BRIAN: After chugging those beers and sucking venom out of my hand, I staggered to the bathroom to hurl. It was locked, so I puked into a nearby pair of Sperrys. I lost a couple hours, but remember making out with a chick. CHAZ: Was she hot at least? BRIAN: I only remember frizzy red hair and a lot to grab onto. CHAZ: So like a five? BRIAN: More like a drunk two. Anyway, some dude came in and passed out on the bed next to us. It was then that I realized what I had my tongue in— and I booked it. When I got back to the living room, the only people left were a girl singing Queen’s “Don’t Stop me Now” and a naked dude dancing on the coffee table. CHAZ: What happened after that? BRIAN: I ran, I just ran. Honestly, man? I just want to go home. I want to tell my mom that I love her.

CHAZ: What was it like when you got there?

Chaz reaches over and takes Brian’s hand.

BRIAN: Incredible! Like a paradise - women dancing, beer flowing, weed smoking, people getting weird; it was a place I’d want to be. But then things started going south.

CHAZ: We’ll get through this. Only four years, that’s all we have to do.

CHAZ: What happened? Brian takes a deep breath, and fights back more tears. BRIAN: Well, it was cool when I got there, but they found out I was a frosh and the hazing began. All I remember is a dude wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and cutoff

BRIAN: Let’s just hope we don’t turn into savages like those nut jobs. The lights start to dim as Dido’s “Graduation” plays in the background. Fin.

The Top ten

Signs You Should Drop A Class The first month of school ain’t out yet, so you still have some time to make “adjustments” to your class schedule. Like a river, your goal is to find the path of least resistance. Here are some signs that your class might be “damming” you. 10. You Sharted on the First Day: You’re a celebrity in your class, but it’s for all the wrong reasons. Your classmates may forget everything they learned in that class within a few weeks of it ending, but, rest assured, they’ll never forget the culprit of their ISS 210’s “poo-dunit.” 9. You’ve Already Missed a Test: Would you rather bust ass trying to dig your way out of a hole this semester, or simply drop the class, have less credits, and maybe push graduation back a year or so? Seriously, who doesn’t want to make their time in East Lansing last as long as possible? 8. You Failed to Seduce Your TA: Your quest to get some extra credit and get some T ‘n A from your TA fails miserably after you attempt to grease the wheels of academia with nothing more than alcohol and a “mildly consensual” backrub. Yeah, you’re never going to be able to have a non-awkward presence in that class now. 7. Less than Ten Classmates: People are quickly going to catch on that you’re not as studious as you appear in your LinkedIn picture. Between your perpetual body-odor of booze and blood, and the vague, non-descript responses you give to the professor’s questions about the readings you didn’t do, there’s no hiding in here. 6. You Actually Have to Read: Two weeks in and you’re already behind in the reading. Why bother catching up; there are plenty of classes at State that you can four-point without reading or even being literate. Forestry 101, anyone? 5. It’s a Women’s Studies Course: You’re probably not a militantly radical feminist, but your professor and her posse of shorthaired, female storm troopers (or, your fellow students) are. Better run, or be held up to the class as an example of our society’s “patriarchal system of oppression,” regardless of your gender. 4. You Have An International Instructor: Your two years of Mandarin lessons feel pretty weak as the indecipherable sounds of your TA’s “teaching” cascade into your ears. Instead of throwing money at a class you literally don’t understand, maybe you should take it with a professor who speaks English instead of “English.” 3. The Class is Far Away: So you live up in Chandler’s Crossings and expect to make an 8:00 A.M. in Akers? Your options are to either camp out in front of the building biweekly, or change your major to avoid this particular pre-req. 2. It’s Breaking the Bank: Let me get this straight, professor - so in addition to the hundreds of dollars per credit that we’re spending, you’d like us to buy a $200 textbook, a $36 iClicker, and an $84 course pack? Instead, how about I spend zero dollars to not take your class? 1. There’s No One to Bang: Look to the left, look to the right. Do the thing where you crane your neck back. Yup, this class is Uglytown, population: everyone. Really, what’s the point of even attending without any eye candy to make it all better?

Ziev and Justin wrote this


From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve found in your parents’ bedroom? "I found porn DVDs. It was like six years ago when I was searching for Christmas presents." - Michael C. Senior

"A used condom, but my mom has her tubes tied…" - Eddy G., 1st year grad student.

"A Dildo." - Erin G., Junior.

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)


page 7

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Red Cedar River Monsters Alex Everard wrote this Greetings, I’m Jeremy Wade: master angler, master baiter, and conqueror of some of the world’s most exotic fish. I’ve caught a shark with my bare hands, a 500-pound catfish, and numerous other river monsters. Now, I’ve come to East Lansing to capture my most elusive adversary yet: The Red Cedar Killer. Little is known about this monster— some say it’s an eight-foot mutant salmon, others claim it’s a prehistoric mudskipper about the size of a short bus. Whatever is lurking in these waters, it’s responsible for the death of at least one freshman. Last week, Jarrod Beck acted on a dare from his roommate to strip naked and swim across the Red Cedar. Approximately halfway across the river, a large disruption became visible from underneath the water. Jarrod began to struggle and scream as the fish took hold of him. Allegedly, his last words were “My Sperrys!” Tragic. I’m here to avenge Jarrod’s death by catching this beast. After meeting the locals, it’s clear that this aquatic beast’s main diet is expired cafeteria food, which university employees have been dumping into the Red Cedar since the late 1980s. My calculations indicate that this creature could be over a metric ton by now with a hearty appetite for melted ice cream, quite reminiscent to the contestants on The Biggest Loser.

I’ve also talked to the only local who claims to have seen this beast, a can-collector known simply as “Willie.” “Hell yeah I’ve seen that mufucka,” he told me. “See this scar right here? (pulls down pants) Mufuckin’ James! He got me! I was just wading in the river, you know, catching cans as they floated by and that mufucka jumped right out the water and bit me in the ass!” I was intrigued. He continued, pants still pulled down. “Yeah but it’s aight I got that mufucka back… all I had on me was my walking stick so I bashed that mufucka in his dome like ‘BLAW!’ and he let go.” I gave Willie a bag of cans and in return he let me examine his wound. I tallied thirty-six tooth marks, each approximately an inch wide. We have a certified monster on our hands. Day One: I’ve caught nothing but a moped tire and a squirmy international student. Day Two: Unsuccessful. I’ve switched my bait from ice cream to pizza slices due to japery from students who don’t fully appreciate my quest for this freshwater beast, yet I press onward. Day Three: Fish on! I’ve found myself with an undeniable monster on the end of my line. I managed to reel it into the banks of the Red Cedar after near an hour of fighting.

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What I discovered is astonishing. The Red Cedar Killer is a Spartabass – a species of fish that was previously believed to have been hunted to extinction in Sparta. According to legend, King Leonidas himself caught a 700 lb Spartabass and feasted for weeks with the people of Sparta. However, the one I’ve landed is closer to 1,000 lbs and much more docile. Those years of eating lost Combo Exchange meals and refuse of passersby has tamed this once-ferocious beast. In fact, I would venture to say Jarrod’s death was a simple misunderstanding, and that this fish was simply mistaken for what it saw as a game-day bratwurst. People of East Lansing: I have accomplished my goal and captured the Spartabass. Though it was not easy, it was my most fulfilling catch thus far. Join me next week as I venture to Ann Arbor to land a fish that is said to have bitten the leg off of the last moderately attractive woman in the area, dropping her from an 8 to a 5.25. This has been Jeremy Wade, signing off!


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The Bar Grid

January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm.

   

$2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.  

SPECIAL NIGHT

WED, 9/05 THURS, 9/06 FRI, 9/07

TUES: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's Wednesday  $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Daily Specials:   Monday 9pm-Close Rolling Rock Bottles   $2.50 - Pints $3.50 $2.50 – Call Long Drinks Islands Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots

6  $2.00 – Well Drinks           $3.00 – Premium Drafts   $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13  $2.00 – Domestic Drafts   $2.50 – Well Drinks $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20              $2.50 – Call Drinks                    Friday 9pm-Close   $3.50 – All Pints 3PM BURGER BASH $3.00-–8PM Well Drinks $1 Burgers Fries 1/2 OFF Drinks Saturday$1 9pm-Close 27  $3.50 – All Pints (excludes top shelf liqours)           $3.00 – Well Drinks 8PM - Close: Ladies Night w/ DJ KING   Sunday All Day $2.50 You Call It's, $2.50 $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Miller MimosasLt, Coors Lt, $3.00 – Pints Rolling Rock Bottles, $3.50 Long Islands   Shots $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint   $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Every Day   $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots      $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs

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FRIDAY NIGHT UNDER THE 9pm – Close EveryLIGHTS Day ½ITS Off – A Potato Skins GREAT DAY Hush Puppies & Onion Rings TO BE A SPARTAN   OPEN EARLY!!!!!!

SUNDAY: $3 Bloody Marys Thursday  Friday  Saturday  $3 Mimosas 31  1  2  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  Global Village   $3.00 ALL Draft Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $8 Burger and Pint Special 7 

DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar) 

14  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar) 

SAT, 9/08

$3.50 All Flavored Vodka's $3.50 Captain Morgans $3 Wells and Domestic Beers $3 Soco Lime $3 Kamikaze Shots DJ BIG MIKE

1/2 Off Night DJ Juan Trevino 22 

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MONDAY-THURSDAY HAPPY HOUR! 3pm - 7pm: $3 Well Drinks, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts, $1 Off All Wines, $1 Off All Appetizers Happy Hour: 3pm - 7pm! 9pm to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3pm - 7pm! 9pm to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots Happy Hour: 3pm - 7pm! $3 Corona & Sol, $2 Rolling Rock Btls., $4 Dirty Corona Btls., $3 Shot of Well Tequila, $6 Marg./Daiquiri Mini Pitchers 9pm - 2am: $3 Single Call Drinks & Tequila $4 23oz Domestic Draft, $3 Flavored Vodka Bomb

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Beats

Happy Hour 3pm - 7pm: $5 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Off All Wines, $3 Single Wells 9pm - 2am: $6 32oz Mini Buckets (exl. Red Bull), $1 off all Draft Beers, $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes & Washington Apple Shots 11am - 4pm: $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts | Bloody Mary Bar! Happy Hour 3pm -7pm: $1 off all Kraft Beers, $3.50 23oz Domestic Drafts 9pm - 2am: $1 off all Kraft Beers $3 23oz Domestic Drafts

SUN, 9/09

We're at home recovering...you?

$3 Bloody Marys $3 Mimosas $3.00 ALL Draft Pints $8 Burger and Pint Special

MON, 9/10

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Shot Special DJ KING

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells

Happy Hour: 3pm - 7pm! 9pm to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

TUES, 9/11

Ladies Night w/ DJ KING $2.50 You Call It's $2.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Long Islands $2.50 Soco Lime & Kamikaze Shots

$2.50 Call Liquor $3 All Pints DJ Juan Trevino

Happy Hour: 3pm - 7pm! 9pm to 2am: $3.50 Dbl. Well Drinks, $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3 Shot Special, $2 Kamikaze Shots

WED, 9/12

$2 Well Drinks $2.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $3 Bud Lt Platinum $3 White Gummy Bear Shots DJ BIG MIKE

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THURSDAY: Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes

FRIDAY: Happy Hour 4PM - 7PM: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

Welcome Back! Specials run open-close 7 days a week

SPECIAL NIGHT

18+ Night! Doors open at 10

$1.50 Off 60oz Pitchers of Labatt Blue, Miller Lite, Sam Adams, Blue Moon, Leinie's Seasonal, Guiness

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 9/05

Ladies Night! Ladies Express Entry Line AND No Cover...All Night $3 Labatts, $3 Calls Late Night Hotcakes

$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

THURS, 9/06

TGIF @ The Shark $3 Doubles $2 Can Beer $3 Bahama Mama

Happy Hour 4PM - 7PM: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo w/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 9/07

Go Green!

All Out Saturdays $3 Long Island $2 PBR and Keystone Drafts Late Night French Toast Sticks

Come Try East Lansing's Best Olive Burger

Country Night $1 Pints 6-8 pm

$2.50 Bottles of Labatt Blue, Labatt Blue Light, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian AND FREE PARKING!

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

SUN, 9/09

$2.50 Bottles of Miller Lite and Miller Genuine Draft $2.75 Shots of Jack Daniels

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

MON, 9/10

1/2 OFF NIGHT!

$2.75 24oz Drafts of Labatt Blue, and Miller Light $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guinness

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers

TUES, 9/11

18+ Night! Doors open at 10

$1.50 Off 60oz Pitchers of Labatt Blue, Miller Lite, Sam Adams, Blue Moon, Leinie's Seasonal, Guiness

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 9/12

Happy Hour Tue-Sun 6-9 pm $2 Everything Bar Crawl? Contact Marc@elevatedendeavors.com

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!

SAT, 9/08

DOWNLOAD OUR APP AND GET THESE SPECIALS ON YOUR PHONE! MORE BARS COMING EVERY WEEK!

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page 10

East Lansing’s Real Estate Robber Barons

theblacksheeponline.com

Ziev Beresh wrote this

When selecting their housing, most students feel overwhelmed at the prospect of choosing a living situation that best suits them. Given the amount of overpriced hobbit holes studding any local company’s property list, it’s a tough decision indeed. People often say that real estate is all about “location, location, location,” but since we live in East Lansing, you can bet it’s going to be about DTN, CRMC, or the university’s residence halls. These three hold a virtual monopoly on housing in East Lansing, and if there are three things we know about monopolies, it’s that they’re illegal, they inflate prices and the board game version of them always ends in rage. The housing game in this town is no different. Let’s begin with the living situation most of us first experience— the dorms. Michigan State University boasts the largest on-campus residence hall system in the country, with a reported 14,500 students “living on” each year, and a capacity of 16,713. But wait a second. With the amount of students living in the dorms not exceeding the capacity, why is it that three people are so often packed into rooms meant for two? Unless the university is keeping an entire residence hall empty, the numbers don’t add up. A quick perusal of the rates on liveon.msu.edu revealed that undergraduate halls are the most expensive, while other “specialty” halls such as Owen for graduates, and Van Hoosen for chicks, are significantly cheaper. In fact, the cost of undergrad halls is almost doubled in comparison. What is the source of this extra expense? Why, a shiny

meal plan, classified by a precious metal (platinum, gold, or silver), of course. By forcing every student who lives in the undergraduate halls to buy a meal plan, the university makes a lot more money by adding additional students to two-bed rooms in undergraduate halls than they would if said students lived somewhere else. Funny, there weren’t any “triple rooms” listed on the website. Besides the possible addition of yet a third person’s body odors to your living space, finding a place to live off campus makes sense because it’s generally cheaper. So do you live in an apartment or a house? Well, seeing as how DTN owns most apartments in East Lansing, and CRMC owns most houses, you should probably go with the better company. So which one is it? If you decide to go with DTN, you’ll be paying for amenities like cable, internet, and water— things that most other apartment companies in the area include for free. This is on top of the inflated rental price and your security deposit. And since you’re also the one paying for heat, the company isn’t really motivated to update the insulation in many of its apartments. If you need repairs, call and request them, then do it five more times. Once they’re done, say goodbye to your security deposit! If all this sounds exaggerated, read some of the apartment reviews on allmsu.com. They use the word “shithole” a lot. Their words, not ours! Now, let’s say you decide to lease a house. If it’s with CRMC, better invest in a good rake and a snow shovel, and use ‘em - or watch out for city fines shoved in your mailbox.

Or get ready to wake up one morning to the sight of your house being painted a different color, as happened at a friend of mine’s CRMC-owned property without warning. It’s now poop-green. Hide yo’ pets, hide yo’ bongs, and hide yo’ firearms, because your living space will be searched. I mean inspected, several times throughout the year. Finally, if you’re not paying New York City-rates for your place, it’ll be a dump. Trust me. And if you are paying New York City-rates, it will be less of a dump, but still a shitty house in the East Lansing, Michigan – not a swanky flat in Manhattan. So who, oh who, do you lease from? Don’t worry— though these three companies own most of the property in East Lansing, they don’t own all of it. Search wide, and search early. Find a private landlord who you actually have to meet, one that takes care of your place because it’s one of only a few properties he owns. Dealing with a person instead of a company will make your life a lot easier should any problems arise. And maybe you’ll even like your place. Small businesses! America!

. M S! E C I H P T Y T E R T A A P H R U R YO O S U M D E N E H S T E . V LEOT EMBARASSED OR BECOME INFAMOUS PICS@THEBLACKTSHHROEUEGPHOONULRINWEE.CBSOITME! R G O P P A R U O IA V & . D E K M O A .C N E N T I L E N G O P R E E O H , S K Y C R A L C B , E H H T G U A L , WHAT?) (WAIT


page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

bartender of the week phil r. woody's oasis Name: Phil Raymond Age: 29, no wait, make that 23. Major: Forestry Relationship Status: Single, not looking for anything special

Candyland

What’s the weirdest thing in your backpack? Left right center dice.

Nickname: Phillip Morris Franklin III

Describe your typical customer: A coop member.

Favorite “walks into a bar” joke: Horse walks into a bar; bartender says “Hey why the long face?”

What’s your favorite drink to make when a girl asks for something fruity? Stoli Around the World

What’s your bartending pet peeve: When people don’t want to be carded because they’re regulars.

Favorite drinking game: Quarters

Which famous person would you like to talk to over drinks? Jerry Garcia

the drinking game

Liquor of choice: Crown Royal if money isn’t involved (however in the parking lot of a concert—Fireball. Definitely fireball.)

Would you rather be the one getting sick from drinking or having to clean up someone else’s ‘vom’? Get sick myself.

Recipe for Disaster

cereal fruit pie

So maybe we’re trying to hold onto our childhood, or maybe we just find pleasure in corrupting childhood games. Either way, this game is bitchin’.

It’s hard getting away with eating dessert for breakfast, but lucky for you we’ve come up with an airtight recipe that will have you cramming sugar down your gullet on a daily basis.

What You’ll Need: Candyland board game, alcohol of your choice, beer. Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: You’ll be trying to get Princess Lolly and Queen Frostine to skinny dip in the Ice Cream Sea.

What You’ll Need: Fruity Pebbles, strawberries, cool whip, butter, plastic bag, 9 inch pie pan. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: You’re basically eating a stick of butter, so take that for what it’s worth.

How to Play: - Set up your Candyland board game and stack your shuffled cards together in a pile. - Set up four shot glasses and four cups of beer. - Players must choose a color that will remain theirs for the rest of the game. - First player must draw a card and move to the closest corresponding color. - If the color on the card matches the player’s color, they can move ahead to the closest square of that color. This player also chooses one other player to chug a beer, one second for each square the piece moves forward. - If the color on the card is not their color, they must move backward on the board to that color and chug beer for one second for each square the piece moves backward. - The player then sits on that color until they pull their color, taking a shot every turn they don’t.

Let’s Get Baked: - Fill a large plastic bag with Fruity Pebbles. Smash the bag until all the cereal is crushed to little pieces. - Combine ½ cup of butter with the cereal in a bowl and microwave until the butter is melted. - Stir until all the butter and cereal is one hot primordial soup. - Take your “pie crust” and lay it down on your buttered or non-stick pan. - Place in a 350 degree oven for about 10 minutes, take it out and let it sit for another 10 minutes. - Once cooled, fill the crust with cool whip. - Pop in some cut up strawberries or preferred fruit. - Dig in!

The Game Ends When: Someone reaches Candyland or someone gets Gloppy all over the board.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

You might think because it has the word “pie” in it that it must be a dessert. Well, it also has the word “cereal,” and therefore you can eat it for breakfast!

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com


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yuvonne

marie

jake

Nick

Where you’re from: Battle Creek, MI

Where you’re from: Manhattan, NY

Where you’re from: Chicago

Where you’re from: Chicago

Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party

Who are you excited to see?: Alesso

Who are you excited to see?: Team Bayside High

Who are you excited to see?: Mord Fustang

Who are you wearing?: Hello Kitty

Who are you wearing?: Bass Bunny

Who are you wearing?: Stuff from a thrift store.

Who are you wearing?: Nero

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Fuck bitches, get money.”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Bring the motherfuckin’ ruckus!”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Trappin’ ain’t dead, niggas just scared.”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Girls, rub on ya titties.”

Alex

kitty

j-dizzle

alexa

Where you’re from: Chicago

Where you’re from: Another World

Where you’re from: Clouds

Where you’re from: Indiana

Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party

Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party

Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party

Who are you excited to see?: Axwell

Who are you wearing?: “Ray Varner’s clothes.”

Who are you wearing?: My clothing.

Who are you wearing?: Bear Man Big

Who are you wearing?: Homemade everything.

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Throw ya mouth on it.”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “I can’t do that right now.”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Suck a dick, ho.”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “I can’t think right now.”

tyler

erica

chloe

charlie

Where you’re from: Grand Rapids, MI

Where you’re from: Battle Creek, MI

Where you’re from: Midway

Where you’re from: Brookfield

Who are you excited to see?: Axwell

Who are you excited to see?: STS9

Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party

Who are you excited to see?: STS9

Who are you wearing?: My blue Morphsuit.

Who are you wearing?: American Squidbilly Rash

Who are you wearing?: Everything

Who are you wearing?: Wakarusa

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Smoke weed every day.”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Rub on my nipples.”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Party at the Holiday Inn!”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “I got that good dick girl, you didn’t know.”


6 Fall Films That Probably Won't Suck

Sadly, summer is over, spelling the end of the summer blockbuster. The Avengers, Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises - and other non-superhero films that people cared about all came out this summer. Sadly, there are no more huge hype machines screaming at us from every conceivable media outlet about what to go see. Gone are guaranteed action, adventure, and intrigue, now the threeminute trailers for movies coming out now may contain the only entertaining moments of the entire film. That doesn’t mean everything will be crap. Here we have a list of six flicks that look to be worth the time this coming autumn. By: Michael Mattucci

Dredd 3D - September 21

Frankenweenie - october 5

pitch perfect - october 5

Based on the 2000 AD comic-book character, Dredd is a member of a police force of the future called Judges who have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner. They are the law. After the 1995 Sylvester Stallone catastrophe known as Judge Dredd, this movie should easily hurdle the low-set bar left by Mr. Sly’s goofy turn as a roided-out future Rambo. However, while it will undoubtedly be an improvement from its 90s counterpart, on its own merits it could still fail to impress. It's a simple story, and for it to work the direction and performances need to be on point, lest it turn out to be a Michael Bay-esque action orgy.

Tim Burton remakes his own 1984 short film, this time going for the stop-motion he's so famous for (even if he didn't actually direct The Nightmare Before Christmas). The main character, Victor, loves his dog so much that he finds a way to bring him back to life! Shenanigans ensue as he tries to keep his creation a secret from the rest of the neighborhood. And no, he doesn’t have sex with the dog, why would you even think that?

A musical comedy about a group of misfits who form an all-girl a capella group to compete against the boys? Clearly it's a Glee/ girl power! cash-in, but could the student surpass its master? Glee has always been a "you love it or you hate it" program, but many Gleeks are losing faith in the show. Pitch Perfect looks to plummet down the forgettable movie musical hole, joining the ranks of Hairspray and From Justin to Kelly. If it doesn’t, we’ll sing its greatness from the mountaintops, because who doesn’t need more ridiculous musicals full of singing teenagers? It’s just like real life, minus the social awkwardness and bacne!

By reworking one of his earliest concepts, Burton has the opportunity to get back into form with a dark but family-friendly comedy that also tugs at your heartstrings. Remember the emotional rollercoaster that was Dark Shadows? No? Well, neither do we. Oh well, at least he's not bringing his wife, Johnny Depp, and his mistress, Helena Bonham Carter down with him this time.

Paranormal Activity 4 october 19

The Man with the Iron Fists november 2

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 | november 16

The exact plot is being kept under wraps (probably because it’s the exact same plot as the other three films), but Katy and her nephew Hunter, both missing since the events of the first two films, are now living next door to an unsuspecting family. These movies certainly stick to what Edgar Allen Poe called a "singular effect.” But just as Saw through Saw XXVI proved, many consumers love being force-fed the same scare tactics. And while they do try and change the game a little with each installment, overall we can't imagine this film will change your tune if you disliked the first three. And if you disliked the first three, why do you keep coming back? PHONY!

This is a story of a village in nineteenth-century China banding together to fight off a larger threat. Don't come to the theater expecting any level of historical accuracy. The Man with the Iron Fists looks to be a crazy over-the-top kung-fu action film with its own unique style brought to you by RZA, one of the most prominent members of the Wu-Tang Clan. However, he only co-wrote the film. His partner in this endeavor? Eli Roth, whose writing experience centers around the teenagers he brutally tortures in his gore-porn films. So let's hope he didn't help with the dialogue this time around. Here is a Rothian gem from Cabin Fever, in case you’re not familiar with his genius: Paul – “Why would you wanna kill squirrels?” Bert - “'cause they're gay.”

This made it on the list because regardless of the hate it gets, the franchise has a huge fanbase that throws its parent’s/boyfriend’s money at it. A success is a success. It's Twilight - no further introductions needed. If you're a Twilight fan there's pretty much nothing I can say to make you want to go see this any more or less than you already do. As for the people being dragged to this by their significant other, one can only hope that the film comes full-circle from terrible to terribly entertaining. Otherwise, constantly remind your partner of the sexual courtesies they owe you for actually seeing this.


the Seek and find

how many can you find? email us all the secret locations and win a prize! puzzles@theblacksheeponline.com


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Michigan State Fall Issue 2 - 9/05/12