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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 7, Issue 2 9/06/12 - 9/13/12
theblacksheeponline.com @TheBlackSheepMSU
Students Found Dead After Consuming Cafeteria Fare Hannah Borland wrote this
EAST LANSING, MI - 17 students were found dead in Michigan State University’s residence halls this past weekend. Their cause of death is presumed to be dehydration and “completely shredded colons” due to “intensely excessive” diarrhea, said the Ingham County coroner. Epidemiologists working on site were unable to determine one specific source of the illness - however, multiple experts say that the university’s overstaffed and unsanitary dining halls might be to blame. “Why anyone would pay to eat in these cafeterias is beyond me,” said noted food biologist Dr. Eliot Snow, “It’s like throwing massive amounts of money at a roulette table, and hoping the ball lands on the right color. But, by ‘roulette table’ I mean ‘overpriced foodservice,’ and by ‘lose your money’ I mean ‘slowly and painfully squirt your life out of your asshole.” He went on to describe MSU’s various dining halls as, “the most fecal-matter infested places I’ve ever been, and I regularly visit countries where cholera is still a threat.” Friends and fellow students of the deceased diners said that they had no idea of neither the dangers of the cafeteria nor of their peers’ illness. Clyde Thompson, roommate of 19-year-old deceased Timothy Hawthorne said, “Sure, Timmy was spending a lot of time in the bathroom, but I figured he had just met a new girl in WoW or something.” Thompson discovered Hawthorne’s body late on Friday night after returning from the MSU vs. Boise State football game, and immediately called 911. One of the deceased was found in his third floor bathroom after residents on the second floor reported a mysterious substance dripping from the ceiling, which, upon analysis, was found to contain remnants of The Gallery at SnyderPhillips’ Pub Menu. Parents of the deceased, as well as the student body, have been demanding answers from the university. In a statement released on Monday, one of MSU’s noted Board of Trustees members said, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I mean— we’ve redecorated nearly every campus dining room. Does a fresh coat of paint and the promise of slightly-better-than-average quality food service not prevent these kinds of things from happening?” The rest of MSU’s board shrugged and nodded noncommittally in agreement with this statement - then returned to their
"freshman's first" a one act play a tragedy unseen since kinglear
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usual agenda of awarding themselves pay increases and supporting the Republican Party. Meanwhile, students continue to ingest the suspect food, only hoping to avoid death. “We don’t have much of a choice, do we?” said West Circle resident Paul Pierce, “As on-campus students, we’re strong-armed into buying meal plans. So it’s either we pay a ton of money to eat there and risk food poisoning, or pay a ton of money to not eat there and acquire syphilis from Rice Kitchen instead. At this time, epidemiologists and on-campus health personnel agree that while prevention is best, it is also unrealistic under MSU’s current “if you’re not a football player, you’re just a dollar sign” policy.
what’s inside
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“Students would be more successful surviving by simply recognizing the symptoms of deadly food-borne illness,” said Dr. Snow, “Perhaps you notice that your roommate no longer has that post-coital glow after going to the bathroom, or they’re groaning like a zombie while on the toilet. Maybe you’ve noticed him or her eating a few of those ‘not-quite-dead-yet’ burgers that are handed out in the cafeterias like free Bibles. Perhaps you noticed the unsavory character serving their food had a few more skin-maggots than usual. In these cases, you should consider that person at-risk, and report their condition immediately.” No further deaths have been confirmed, however, and no steps have been taken to reduce the feces content of MSU’s cafeterias or remove E. coli smearing workers.
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thankfully, you can collect $200 from your parents.
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